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Just breathe…

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How long can you hold your breath? Just recently, I held mine for 8 days. Not literally of course, but it sure felt like it.

Last Thursday, I had my follow up MRI. I had one last January before my lumpectomy. (The one last January found 2 spots that the mammogram had missed. One was pre-cancer & was removed. The other was not cancer and was just “marked” with a metal clip so they can watch it.) I wasn’t expecting anything to come from the one last week. I went in, asked for extra ear protection (I highly recommend it) – & spent 30 min visualizing the lake. For this type of MRI, you are on your stomach, with your chest through the table. I did just fine & went back to work after. I was hoping to just get a letter in the mail 7-10 days later. 

I was shocked when the surgeon called me at home after supper. “There is a spot/nodule on your right breast (opposite from previous cancer) that has changed since last year. We will want to have you come in and check it out.” It would be Thursday before I could get in for an ultrasound & possible biopsy. The waiting game sucks. I had kind of forgotten how much it stinks. I didn’t want to alarm my kids. As honest as I was throughout my cancer, I just simply didn’t know enough to tell them anything yet. I’d deal with that if I needed to when that time came. 

I had the distraction of a weekend with family for Easter and then back to work for more waiting. I talked with the Roger Maris Cancer Center’s psych Dr on Monday. She talked about prayer & meditation & ways to get me through to Thursday without going too stir crazy. You see, this type of thing is what (most) cancer survivors fear. It’s what nobody talks about or prepares you for. The “what ifs”… What if the cancer comes back, what if it metastasized, what if I can’t tell  that something changed etc etc. This is the kind of thing that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. As much as I remained positive & strong through my cancer, fear over took me this time. I did ok (not super, but ok) until Wednesday. The day before the ultrasound & biopsy I was a bit of a mess. Only a handful of people knew about it, but those who did were sending up some pretty big prayers. Songs would come on the radio that made me teary. The thought of having to tell my kids again made my heart ache. 

Thursday came & I spent an hour of the morning having reiki to try and calm and balance me. I had breakfast with my aunt & she came with me to the ultrasound. Being a cancer survivor herself, she knew what to expect. They let her come in with me for the ultrasound. The spot they were looking for was deep, closer to the chest wal. It was difficult to find, which was good and bad. The Dr came in to look and said that if I was anyone else, with no history of cancer, they’d just wait and see. He also said that he realized I’d probably worry for 6 months if I decided to just wait, so he would do the biopsy. Yes, please. Peace of mind is worth the temporary pain. Plus it was already scheduled so I could do it right away. 

This is my 4th biopsy (3 last year.) They put lidocaine in to numb it, then go in with a long needle to get a sample. Then they put a tiny clip in that spot to mark it for future reference. One that’s done, they have to put pressure on your chest for 15 minutes. Yep, that’s as fun as it sounds…not fun. Awkward small talk etc. After that, they do a mammogram again to see that the clip is in place. They send you on your way with ice packs in your bra. Time to rest. It would be Monday before they had results. Initially the Dr thought it looked good, so I should be relieved. Since I’ve heard, “I’m sure it’s nothing” before and they were wrong, I would wait until I got the call to celebrate.

I didn’t have to wait until Monday. The Dr called tonight with good news that the biopsy wasn’t cancer. It was inflammatory tissue (& other words that I didn’t hear because I was still just absorbing the good news.) Yahooooo! NOW I can smile, be relieved & celebrate! 

And I can breathe…

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Just Fishing…

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No, we aren’t fishing just yet. This picture was taken a few years ago of me and my boys fishing at Itasca State Park. (The barn wood frame was made by my husband.) One of my favorite songs is a country song – Just Fishin’ by Trace Adkins. It talks about a dad fishing with his daughter. She thinks they’re just fishing, but they’re really bonding, talking, spending time together. While we tend to focus on big things to do with our kids, sometimes it’s the small stuff that means the most. As my kids get older, I tend to wonder if I’ve done enough with them. Did I do enough of the things that help create those bonds that last forever? Did I listen enough to them when they were smaller to make them feel comfortable talking to me when they get older?

I wonder about these things, and then my 13 year old goes on and on about fishing tackle, kayak modifications for fishing and different kinds of bows and bow hunting… and I think, maybe I’ve done ok. He did his radio commentary for his speech meets about fishing, and how you should go fishing as a family & how it brings you closer as a family. He did this on his own, and reading it kind of made me melt. I’m not telling the story to make you think I’ve got it all together- far from it. I’m telling you so that maybe you realize you’re doing a better job than you think. To my 9 year old, I’m still a super hero but I know that won’t always be the case. This 13 year old boy thing is new territory for both of us though. We are figuring it out together & sometimes I get clues that it’s going to be ok.

 If fishing is something that opens the door to other conversations, then I will get my rod and reel ready. I’ll also be prepared to cook up a fish dinner. And he thinks we’re just fishin’.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. 

Sometimes you just need to say, “why not?”

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Last Saturday, we went skiing for the last time at Andes Tower Hills in Alexandria, MN.  Through the generosity of some wonderful friends & the people at Andes, we were able to enjoy a great skiing season this year. I didn’t count how many times we went, but it was quite a few. We enjoyed our time with family and friends in the crisp northern winter. Saturday was unusually warm… 60+ in March isn’t very common. It was the last day that they were going to be open, so we went. Even by 11am, there were areas of slush on the hills. They have an event called “the pond plunge” – where you ski down one of the steepest hills into a pool of water at least 10 feet long. Most people end up falling in & the water is very cold. Only a few glide across. Some people dress up in shorts or scuba gear or Hawaiian outfits as they go down. My husband decided to ski down the bunny hill instead of the big hill as Elf on the Shelf. “Why not?!” The kids thought it was great. The people who know him didn’t bat an eye – of course it’s something he would do. He got asked, “oh you must be doing the pond plunge?” He said, “Nope, just having fun!”

This month, I’m trying an Ayurveda digestive reset. “Why not?” One week of food journaling, one week of clean eating, one week of kitchari, another week of clean eating. The first week, I said goodbye to some downfalls- donuts, burgers, pizza, etc. This week, I’ve gone 3 days without added sugar. I’m admittedly a band wagon jumper. I’ve tried lots of things in the past, but this is more about jump starting a healthier eating style & finding my triggers. I eat when I’m frustrated or bored… I bake when I’m stressed. If I want this past year’s cancer to be my last, I need to make some changes. “Why not?”

Change is scary. Adjusting to the new normal takes time. Learning to adapt is something they don’t talk to you about after the active treatment is over. Similar things when you have a tragic event – PTSD. Doctors treat your physical body and send you on your way. Lots of emotional things change too. One thing that might happen is a realization that life is short, so don’t wait. Tell your friends and family what they mean to you. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Do something scary. Try something new. Ski in an Elf costume or try a new diet… “Why not?!”

Prodigal 

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  Ok, I know I jump around between cancer, survivor stuff, family issues and faith… I’m kind of like a dog after a squirrel some days. Today, I’m sharing some thoughts on a recent scripture reading. Stay with me…

The story of the Prodigal son was one of my least favorite Bible stories. It always made me uncomfortable. Why does the son who does nothing & squandered his father’s money get accepted back like a hero? It annoyed me, and went against the “hard work will reap rewards” idea. Regardless of how many times I heard the sermon related to this passage, I still never got the meaning behind it.

Then a new song came on Christian radio – “Prodigal.” It’s a catchy tune, but more importantly, it made me think of it in a very different way. “Wherever you are, whatever you did, it’s a page in your book but it isn’t the end. Your father will meet you with arms open wide, this is where your heart belongs. Come running like a prodigal.” Ok, in all of the years that I’ve heard this story, I’ve never thought of myself as a prodigal and God as the father in the story. It somehow clicked because of this song – WE are the ones off doing our own thing, and God will run to us when we are ready to come “home.” Yes?! 

Unconditional love – whenever you’re ready, He will be waiting with arms open wide. Wow, how cool is that?! Do you ever feel so messed up in your day, frustrated by little things, constrained by your past that you think you’re not “enough?” (Obviously I do since that’s the name of the blog.) How comforting is it to know that we are accepted for how we are, messy and all? Wheew. We are lucky. To God, we are enough. We were His idea & he smiles like a proud, happy father when we decide to come running back home. 

I’m not sure what compelled me to post this, but I’m guessing that someone needed to hear this message. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. 

Why are we sheep?

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 I Googled to see “how many times are we called sheep in the Bible?” The answer was … over 200 times!! We spent a nice Sunday at my nephew’s farm with hundreds of sheep and over 150 new baby lambs. We joked about being called sheep in the Bible and how that’s not really a compliment. But then again, if Jesus is called “the lamb of God,” then maybe it’s not totally an insult. And, if you have seen new baby lambs, they are super cute. We brought some friends with us and their girls got to experience the farm. They chased and held baby lambs. They learned so much & had a blast.

As my brother-in-law, sister, nieces and nephews explained things about the farm and how they worked, I stood back and watched in awe. The way that they care for the sheep & the new baby lambs is just amazing. They know how much they eat, how many there are, how many babies there are, when the lambs will get weaned from their moms and when they will go to market & on and on. As much as it is a business and a job, it really is a labor of love. They love to share it too, to take time out to explain things to interested new comers.

I was just so proud of them and how this farm unites them – how it always has. In good times and bad, they always stuck together. The kids all learned the value of hard work, got to witness the miracle of birth, and to understand death & loss. They’re no longer little kids, but have grown into wonderful adults and young-adults. They have each other’s back, and are great examples of being a good neighbor or a good shepherd.

My brother-in-law was in a serious farm accident less than 2 years ago. It was an event that, as tragic and scary as it was, drew them closer together. It drew us all closer together. And people came to help them, to stand in and be the shepherd for a while until he could recover. To see him this weekend – walking, lifting baby lambs and telling all about the farm, it literally warmed my heart. He is still “the miracle man” in my book – the fact that he’s here today is certainly a miracle.

Maybe being a sheep isn’t such a bad thing. You see, we are all a part of God’s flock. As much as we don’t want to admit it, we are sometimes lost and wandering & we need a shepherd to guide us (& maybe a good sheep dog.)

One foot in front of the other…

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The cartoon movie “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” would play once every Christmas season when I was a kid. This was, of course, pre-cartoon network or movie channels on TV. There was a catchy tune that he sang to the Winter Warlock called “one foot in front of the other.” It went through my head a lot today, and I said it more than once. Today was my long run for the half marathon training with the Faster Stronger Runner group. I would need to go over 5 miles on my uncooperative foot. The first couple of miles was ok & I was able to visit some with fellow runners. Then my foot went numb and my hip hurt, so I walked a while.

I felt like there was such a battle going on in my head. Feeling not enough crossed my mind more than once. “Maybe I should just run at home instead.” “How am I going to go 8 more miles when it comes to May?” You get the idea. So I slowed down and allowed the feeling to come back into my foot. I became thankful that I’m able to walk/jog at all… It’s a privilege we often take for granted. My mind went back to last April when I broke my left foot – and I was thankful that I was no longer in a boot or using a knee scooter. And I reflected on all that I had overcome in the last year, & I was able to jog again.

An admitted introvert, sometimes this time alone is good for me. As long as I can steer towards the glass half full, it can be a time to recharge. I also found both a dime and a penny on my run- significant to me, symbolizing those who are watching over me. This made me a a little teary eyed. Even though I took a couple of wrong turns, I found my way back (with an added half mile “detour”.) It’s such a great group of people – very encouraging, never making me feel like I don’t belong. Running reminds me of pregnancy… At first you think, “I can do this.” Then is the “this sucks, I’m never doing this again” stage. Finally is the amnesia stage, “that wasn’t so bad, I can do it again.” By the time I was in the shower, I hit the amnesia stage.

So when asked how my run was, “I put one foot in front of the other.” And I did. And it was enough for today. Sometimes that’s all we can do. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

 

Warrior… I like that

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Today was my oncology follow up. Once again I was a little more nervous than I had prepared to be. Once again, I went alone… armed with my notebook of questions. I’m not sure what I was nervous about. I didn’t expect him to find anything. I think it’s because this wasn’t supposed to happen in the first place that puts those thoughts in my head.

Anyway, it went well. He didn’t find anything to be concerned about. Yeah!! Wheew. Once again, I’m relieved that I had a good report. I’ve been struggling with joint pain since November and I brought that up. All of the positive thinking wasn’t making it any better… and now I am attempting to run a half marathon? He suggested a week or two off my current meds and see if I notice a difference. If I feel better, then it was related to meds and he will switch me to a different kind of “anti-cancer/hormone” med. If it’s the same, then it’s menopause related. (Still no hot flashes though – hurrah!!) Dizziness/vertigo and pain in my foot – not sure what all of that is. Will see if either get any better.

Still having too many “what if” feelings, so I’ll meet with someone from Roger Maris to talk about ways of coping after cancer. Also found a saying that I like – referring to being a “warrior” instead of “survivor.” I kind of like warrior so here it is:

  
I wouldn’t say I’ve been through hell, but it was quite a year. Here’s to a great 2016. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. 

Up hill

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Have you ever walked, run, biked or hiked up a big hill? I feel like I’m at the bottom of the hill & it’s called “the teen years of your firstborn.” I’m at the bottom of the hill, looking up, wondering how I’m going to get up it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son. He’s great. It’s me I’m worried about. Lately I have a huge heaping spoonful of mommy guilt & not being “good enough.” It kind of feels like a lump in my throat.

This is a tough one to talk about. I wasn’t previously aware of different parenting skills. Would mine be good enough? I grew up with loving parents so I assumed that most people love their kids & they turn out ok. (I’m admittedly naive that way) Having been married 7 years before having our first son, I had lots of time to prepare. But then again, how could I prepare? How do you prepare for the firsts with your first child?  How do you prepare for bullies & heartbreaks, science fairs & math tests and to go through the teen years again? I remember graduating high school and being SO glad to be done with it. Glad I never have to do that again!! But I was wrong. Kind of like how people don’t tell you all the bad & scary parts of pregnancy, labor or your 40’s…people neglect to remind you that you DO have to go through the teen years again. This time, as a parent.

There have been a lot of articles out there about your kids & missing out on things and how to let them experience life. Articles that leave me in tears. The 13 year old in front of me is still my first baby. I realize that these past 13 years, I’ve been preparing us both for this time in our lives (whether I knew it or not.) But I still wonder if I did enough. Did I lay a good enough foundation to get us both through the next 5 years and beyond? I failed at teaching him to chew with his mouth shut, what else did I fail at? Did I gain his trust so he will tell me about his life? It really is a balance between letting them experience things and guiding & directing them.

For me, as a parent, I really want him to be a good person. While he may struggle with math, I want him to do the best that he can. I don’t expect him to get straight A’s, but I do want him to try. I want him to be responsible. I want him to know God and be comfortable praying to him. I want him to help others when he sees someone who needs help. I want him to do things that make him happy. I want him to believe he can fish for a living someday. I want him to feel loved and secure. And I want him to always give his mom a hug.

I hope that the way I’ve lived my life, loved my family & the way I beat cancer are good examples for him. I’ve prayed a lot about this lately and I’ve just asked for guidance. Please help me to be a good enough mommy to get through the teen years. Peace be with you on your journey of “enough.”

(Ok, I frequently end my blogs with “peace be with you” & that may seem odd so let me explain. After I was “done” with cancer, I had a Reiki reading. The wonderful gal who did it said, “There is just something about you that is different. Not just the cancer but like your whole attitude shifted.” I mentioned that I feel peace like I’ve never felt before. “Yes!”, she said… “That’s it… Peace.” So, when I say peace be with you, I really do hope that you can find peace. Because even with all of my teen struggles and marathon fears, I still have peace. Peace that comes from knowing God has plans bigger than mine, and it’s in His hands)

Different is OK

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So I started half marathon training for the Fargo marathon in May. I’ve done some 5ks since being diagnosed but this will be the farthest that I’ve gone. I signed up when I was full of optimism & believed that I could do anything. I also wanted to prove to my boys that they could do anything they put their minds to. 

I’m still optimistic, but that snowball of self doubt started rolling. Aches and pains and vertigo left me questioning my decision. But I’ve already committed & I don’t want to back down. While most people think running is all physical, those who have done it can tell you that it’s a LOT more mental than you’d think. And, my mental game is strong, as Cam would say. 

I’ve tried to change my body with the power of positive thinking… “My foot feels fine” (not the one that was broken, the other one), “my joints feel great”, “I am stable and grounded.” That wasn’t really working. Then Saturday came – the first outside training day. Since Cam is a trainer for the full marathon group, he will keep me accountable & make sure I show up. 

I forgot many things about running. I mean the motion is pretty simple, it’s the other stuff I forgot… I forgot how gross it can be – sweaty & snotty & stinky. I forgot about the mind games … “Just run to the next mailbox, then you can walk.” I also forgot about the sense of accomplishment.  I guess I wasn’t prepared for how different it would be though. My body is different, but different is ok. 

Tonight as I went outside & did my 2 miles, my toes still went numb & my joints ached. But I was thankful. It’s world cancer day & I’m considered a survivor. I’m thankful that I’m here & that I’m fine. Thankful that I can walk & jog and breathe in the crisp air. I may not ever feel like a runner, but perhaps this is another lesson in being “enough”… Enough for me, enough for my family & enough to make it 13.1 miles in May. Perhaps I will feel “Incredible!”

  

Lucky 13 🍀

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Not sure if it’s lucky or not, but our oldest son just turned 13. When I see the young man in front of me, I still see him as a toddler or a 6 year old. I remember him watching tractor videos, farming my carpet & learning to read. He’s a healthy teenager. While I wish I could keep that little boy who loved my lap, I am thankful to get to see him growing into a thoughtful young man. Will there be struggles? Sure, that’s part of it all. I’ve seen glimpses of what is to come. Moments of defiance or testing boundaries have started to peek out. But, my sweet teen still asks me to “shut his door” at night, just to give me an extra kiss.

He spent his 13th birthday skiing – one of his favorite things. He got some fishing tackle, a gift card to Scheels sporting goods, and we activated one of our old (non-smart) phones for him. Instead of the homemade cakes, cookies or cupcakes, he picked out assorted cheesecake for his birthday. And he had cheesecake & coffee for breakfast.  He was skiing both Saturday & Sunday. The only thing that would have been better is if there was ice fishing also. He did tricks on the ski/snowboard terrain park and took a nasty fall. But since we got it on video, it became like a “cool scar” – a badge of honor in his world. I was just glad he had a helmet on.
He has changed a lot in the last year and there will be more changes to come. I’m thankful to be here for it. I plan to soak it all up. My “5 more years” will fly by in an instant. Something happens when you go through a life changing event… your perspective changes (or I think it should).  You appreciate things more, take some time to breathe, allow yourself to take more risks and, if you have a teenager, you go on the “black runs/the most difficult” ski runs just to make your son go WOW!

I’m a long way from being enough, but I’ll get there. And, to my new teenager, hopefully I will be enough of a mom to make a positive impact on his life. To show him how to push through pain, have faith in God, believe in yourself & to go outside your comfort zone. On the eve of my surgery anniversary & just a few days away from half marathon training, I have a lot to reflect on. I have some anxiety about it all, but I have a great support group and I’ll have a great cheering section. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.