Planning… It’s kind of what I do. I mean literally, as a job, I’m a production planner. It carries over into my personal life too. My husband isn’t a planner, so that’s one of my roles in this relationship. I plan the birthday parties, family trips, what people are going to wear for holidays etc. (I’m bad at planning supper but I honestly don’t know too many people who love that role.)
As a result of my love for planning, my kids have grown to expect that I will have a plan. This past year has changed me in more ways than one. MY plans kind of went out the window. You see, cancer was not part of my plan. It was part of God’s plan for me. I wasn’t super excited about his plan, but it shaped me into a bit of a different person. Aside from the physical changes, I also changed my level of “control.” Part of the great thing about planning is that you’re in control of the outcome (most of the time.) Giving up that control means that you don’t know what will happen next. Kinda scary, right?! It’s ok – just take baby steps.
My personal life planning decreased because I was just focused on getting through treatment, getting through the next step, and the next, etc. Many times in the last year, my boys have said “what’s the plan?” My answer was, “I don’t know.” This frequently is met with confused looks – what do you mean you don’t know?! Mom always knows the plan. Well, this past year has helped me to trust more in God’s plan. I know he’s not done with me yet. Part of his plan for me was to learn let go of control and trust. He knew I wouldn’t have slowed down enough after the hysterectomy, so he “blessed” me with a broken foot to force the slow down. Ok, I get it, sometimes I’m a slow learner. I’m also still learning that it’s ok to not have a plan sometimes & things will still turn out.
Ironically, I’m telling you about how good I am of letting go of planning while I am planning a family reunion for 100 people. Ok, I didn’t say I completely gave it up, I said I was getting better. I still have a job in planning so I can’t give it up completely. So, there will be lists and spreadsheets with details about the party… but without it, we might not all get together. And that’s another thing this last year has taught me – family is important & you never know how long you have to enjoy them. And I know that our reunion weekend will be wonderful & filled with lots of love and laughter. We have some pretty cool angels watching over us, and they’ll be wondering what games we will be playing & betting on who will win at Whist.
My point is, to God, we are enough. We are a part of His plan. While it might not always make sense in the moment, sometimes we can see the meaning after it’s all over with. I think I could write a book on “oh, that’s what that was for” type moments. But that’s another subject. For now,trust His plans for you. You are enough to the God of the universe – how cool is that?!!