Month: March 2018

Eraser tip that makes you hold your breath…

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An eraser tip. You know what I’m talking about. It’s usually perched on the top of a #2 pencil. But why hold your breath? Are you taking a test? Kind of…

As a cancer survivor, self checks are important but scary. A few weeks ago, I felt a lump on my left side. This was the side I had cancer on, had a lumpectomy & radiation. I thought maybe it was my imagination… maybe it wasn’t new. Maybe it was scar tissue. Maybe if I don’t think about it or talk about it, it won’t happen. If thoughts become things, I don’t want this to be either. So I told nobody. Not one person. I knew my oncology follow up was coming up soon, so I’d have it checked then.

Breathe…

My appointment was on a Friday afternoon. It works out well because I miss less work and the parking is way better also. I assured everyone it was a routine check up and it wouldn’t take long. When I mentioned the lump to the Dr, his face turned serious. He knew that an eraser tip could change my life again. He could feel the lump I was talking about & immediately called to see if they could get an ultrasound done yet that same day (Friday afternoon, what are the odds?). Odds or spirit or God or good vibes- something was working because I got in right away. It was 4:30 by the time I got up there. I knew the routine, but I still felt like I was holding my breath.

Breathe…

Cold ultrasound gel goes on. “Oh, this spot here?”… yep – not my imagination. “It’s probably nothing.” Forgive me for not believing you, but I’ve heard that before (I said in my head). She went to talk to the Dr. Then the Dr came in to look for herself. She pointed the screen towards me and explained what she was seeing… normal tissue, muscle & the lump… it was just a fatty tissue. Nothing to worry about.

Breathe…

Routine breast MRI was coming due soon also. I asked if I could have it done here to save me a trip. Sure enough, they could get me in the following Thursday. Excellent! Again, supposed to be routine, but this would see deeper & clearer and be confirmation of how good things are. This MRI room had headphones so you could hear music along with the loud noises of the machine. Nice. For this MRI, you lay on your stomach… arms above your head, chest through two holes in the bottom & you go in head first. It takes about 30-40 min. My mind drifted and raced and calmed.

Breathe…

I was back to work by 9:30am. Excellent. Now to wait. I was surprised to see the Sanford number show up as a missed call and voice mail at 11am. Ugh. Voice mail? They don’t call that quick and not with good news. I called back. “Your MRI was all clear.” 5 words that made me feel like cheering. Wheew.

Breathe…

In 6 months, I’ll have a mammogram again, but until then, I can breathe. I may never look at an eraser the same way again though. One thing I’m learning is to stop and breathe. On your journey of enough may you take the time to breathe deeply. Whatever you’re going through, stop and take a good deep breath. You’re alive, you’re here, and you are enough. Exhale.

International Women’s Day

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Yesterday, these flowers arrived on my desk. A random act of kindness from my best friend. While some people may see a beautiful spring bouquet, I see support. I see an invisible bond, unbroken by 112 mile distance. I see a friend who would give me a hug if she was physically here. I see reassurance that I’m not alone. I see acknowledgement that some days, this “Mom” thing can be hard… but together we are stronger.

I didn’t do anything special for International Women’s Day. It was a pretty normal Thursday for me. One difference was that these flowers greeted me this morning… a reminder that I’m in someone else’s thoughts (& actual prayers). What if we supported each other more as women? What if we compared less and complimented more? What if we were accepted just as we are? What if we cheered each other on more? I feel like there is such a struggle to prove ourselves as being enough…. but not too much! Be assertive, but not too bossy. Be kind, but not too soft. Be smart, but not too much of a “know it all.” Be a successful businesswoman, but still a good mom.

I’ve joined a few online groups in the past year- the members are mainly women. While some days I feel like sharing with them, other times I feel not enough. Not because of anything they’ve said – it’s in my head. All of the “what if’s” that are really ridiculous worries – that likely are lies- come flooding into my head. Part of it is breaking out of my introvert shell & letting people in. Do you know what I mean? It’s scary. It’s unfamiliar…. but, it’s possible. Good things can come from this too. I’ve met some amazing people. It will take a while before I randomly send them flowers, but maybe I should. It could likely make their day – or at least make them smile (every time they see them).

Whatever you chose to do on this day, I hope you will remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH. Each and every day. Show up for yourself, be kind to yourself & spread that kind kindness to others. Peace be with you today.