Have you ever walked, run, biked or hiked up a big hill? I feel like I’m at the bottom of the hill & it’s called “the teen years of your firstborn.” I’m at the bottom of the hill, looking up, wondering how I’m going to get up it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son. He’s great. It’s me I’m worried about. Lately I have a huge heaping spoonful of mommy guilt & not being “good enough.” It kind of feels like a lump in my throat.
This is a tough one to talk about. I wasn’t previously aware of different parenting skills. Would mine be good enough? I grew up with loving parents so I assumed that most people love their kids & they turn out ok. (I’m admittedly naive that way) Having been married 7 years before having our first son, I had lots of time to prepare. But then again, how could I prepare? How do you prepare for the firsts with your first child? How do you prepare for bullies & heartbreaks, science fairs & math tests and to go through the teen years again? I remember graduating high school and being SO glad to be done with it. Glad I never have to do that again!! But I was wrong. Kind of like how people don’t tell you all the bad & scary parts of pregnancy, labor or your 40’s…people neglect to remind you that you DO have to go through the teen years again. This time, as a parent.
There have been a lot of articles out there about your kids & missing out on things and how to let them experience life. Articles that leave me in tears. The 13 year old in front of me is still my first baby. I realize that these past 13 years, I’ve been preparing us both for this time in our lives (whether I knew it or not.) But I still wonder if I did enough. Did I lay a good enough foundation to get us both through the next 5 years and beyond? I failed at teaching him to chew with his mouth shut, what else did I fail at? Did I gain his trust so he will tell me about his life? It really is a balance between letting them experience things and guiding & directing them.
For me, as a parent, I really want him to be a good person. While he may struggle with math, I want him to do the best that he can. I don’t expect him to get straight A’s, but I do want him to try. I want him to be responsible. I want him to know God and be comfortable praying to him. I want him to help others when he sees someone who needs help. I want him to do things that make him happy. I want him to believe he can fish for a living someday. I want him to feel loved and secure. And I want him to always give his mom a hug.
I hope that the way I’ve lived my life, loved my family & the way I beat cancer are good examples for him. I’ve prayed a lot about this lately and I’ve just asked for guidance. Please help me to be a good enough mommy to get through the teen years. Peace be with you on your journey of “enough.”
(Ok, I frequently end my blogs with “peace be with you” & that may seem odd so let me explain. After I was “done” with cancer, I had a Reiki reading. The wonderful gal who did it said, “There is just something about you that is different. Not just the cancer but like your whole attitude shifted.” I mentioned that I feel peace like I’ve never felt before. “Yes!”, she said… “That’s it… Peace.” So, when I say peace be with you, I really do hope that you can find peace. Because even with all of my teen struggles and marathon fears, I still have peace. Peace that comes from knowing God has plans bigger than mine, and it’s in His hands)
One thought on “Up hill”
Enjoyed your post! You will do awesome will your teenager!! Something I ponder often is “God loves my child more than I can comprehend”