Different is OK

So I started half marathon training for the Fargo marathon in May. I’ve done some 5ks since being diagnosed but this will be the farthest that I’ve gone. I signed up when I was full of optimism & believed that I could do anything. I also wanted to prove to my boys that they could do anything they put their minds to. 

I’m still optimistic, but that snowball of self doubt started rolling. Aches and pains and vertigo left me questioning my decision. But I’ve already committed & I don’t want to back down. While most people think running is all physical, those who have done it can tell you that it’s a LOT more mental than you’d think. And, my mental game is strong, as Cam would say. 

I’ve tried to change my body with the power of positive thinking… “My foot feels fine” (not the one that was broken, the other one), “my joints feel great”, “I am stable and grounded.” That wasn’t really working. Then Saturday came – the first outside training day. Since Cam is a trainer for the full marathon group, he will keep me accountable & make sure I show up. 

I forgot many things about running. I mean the motion is pretty simple, it’s the other stuff I forgot… I forgot how gross it can be – sweaty & snotty & stinky. I forgot about the mind games … “Just run to the next mailbox, then you can walk.” I also forgot about the sense of accomplishment.  I guess I wasn’t prepared for how different it would be though. My body is different, but different is ok. 

Tonight as I went outside & did my 2 miles, my toes still went numb & my joints ached. But I was thankful. It’s world cancer day & I’m considered a survivor. I’m thankful that I’m here & that I’m fine. Thankful that I can walk & jog and breathe in the crisp air. I may not ever feel like a runner, but perhaps this is another lesson in being “enough”… Enough for me, enough for my family & enough to make it 13.1 miles in May. Perhaps I will feel “Incredible!”


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