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Not done…

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So, it was almost a year ago when I had my lumpectomy to remove the cancerous and pre-cancerous tumors. Yesterday I had my follow up with the surgeon. I was unsure as to what to expect. I wasn’t decked out in pink, but I had my birthday necklace and my pink ribbon shoes. I went alone, but was in a much larger room than before.  It went well. He didn’t notice anything abnormal or concerning. The 3D mammogram had looked good. That’s awesome all awesome news! The pain I still have will likely always be there. Since I had the mammogram in Oct, I can have an MRI in March. Yes, please.

As I waited to get the MRI info filled out, I kept thinking, “it’s not done.” Even though the surgery is done and the radiation is done, I’m still not DONE. There are always check ups … With the surgeon, with the Oncologist, with the radiation Oncologist etc. I look fine and I feel pretty healthy, but for the next 5-10 yrs, I will have check ups. They will eventually be more spread out. It’s easy for everyone else to see me as “done” but to me, I’m not done. There are things that pop up & create anxiety … Recurrence, metastic breast cancer, etc. The stats on recurrence and metastic breast cancer (showing up in some other/random area of your body) is enough to freak a person out. I try to focus on being the 70% that don’t get metastic cancer but there is that number in the back of my mind … 30% is high.

On the way to my appointment, I heard the song “Blessings” on the radio. If you’ve not heard it, Google it. It’s a good song.

“What if our blessings come through raindrops. What if our healing comes through tears.”

This song was playing as my sister drove to the hospital to be there for my lumpectomy and here it was on my “anniversary.” It’s not a coincidence. Sometimes God needs to nudge us and remind us of things. So, while it may not always be easy, I choose hope. I choose to believe that I will have many great years ahead of me. And, whatever comes my way, I will try to handle it with God’s help. While I’m not “done”, I hold my head up and make the most of it.

Oh, and you are enough… I can’t tell you too many times! Peace be with you on your journey.

Pay it forward – Pink version 

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There is a nonprofit organization called Pink it Forward. The group of 4 women have been impacted by breast cancer. With 3 of them having beaten breast cancer, they wanted a way to Pay it Forward for other women battling the disease. They send out free care packages to women going through treatment. They raise funds to cover the costs of the care packages & shipping. One of the care packages is a hand-made tied fleece blanket. This past Friday, they held 2 “Wine and Tie” events (in Bismarck & Fargo). Volunteers brought 2 yards of fleece and were treated to wine & appetizers & more wine.

I asked my friend, Jessie to come with me to tie blankets. I also notified my co-workers of the event and had 2 more friends show up, Kristi & Charla. The 4 of us made 7 blankets in just 3 hours. We visited, had some wine & even tied some extra blankets with fleece that people donated (people who weren’t able to attend the event). Charla even won a door prize. I’m not sure how many blankets were made total, but it was a nice table full.

I love this organization & what they do. It’s such a wonderful idea… to pay it forward to other survivors & let them know that they have a sisterhood supporting them. It’s not just women though. There were men at the event – so “shout out” to the dudes making tie blankets with us!

When you finish treatment, it’s common to want to help others. This is a great way to do that.  If you know someone going through treatment and want to help them but don’t know what to do, send them one of these care packages. It costs you nothing & will make their day!  When you are going through this yourself, people mean well by saying “let me know what we can do for you”. Let me tell you from experience, they won’t tell you what to do for them because they don’t know. They are just trying to exist, keep it together, make it through appointments, treatments, keep working, keep the family “normal”, try to balance it all etc. They most likely won’t call you on a random Tuesday & ask you to make supper. Just bring them something. Who would turn down a meal that’s ready to go or to freeze for later? Um, probably nobody. Just do it. 99% of the time, you will be making their day – trust me. I was soooo thankful for everyone who brought meals during my treatments and recoveries. I hear people say, “But I’m not a good cook” – you know what? Olive Garden lets you order take out, and most places do. Pick up a meal if you don’t cook – your recipient won’t care. They will just be relieved that it’s one less thing to worry about. Ok, that was a bit of a rant, but you get the idea.

Thank you to my friends for coming to make blankets with me on a cold January Friday night. You are making the day of 7 ladies whom you will likely never meet. How cool is that?! Maybe next year we will have an even bigger group! I plan on helping my 2 boys make tie blankets for Pink it Forward this summer. Visit http://www.pinkitforward.net to learn more about this cool group of ladies!

Time out?

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If you have kids, you may have given them a “time out” before. Have you ever felt like YOU needed one? I’ve felt that way for the last week. Part of it is getting back into the swing of things after holiday break. Part is nerves about upcoming half marathon training. Part is work stress. Part is the crazy cold weather (-25 wind chill). Part, a big part, is the appointment next week. Next Tuesday, I have my (almost) 1 year anniversary of my lumpectomy, so I have a follow up with the surgeon. Because the mammogram was clear, I expect this appointment to be pretty “routine”. You’d think its no big deal. I mean I’m cured, right?

I’m fully confident that things are fine. I keep telling myself that. But there is that doubt that likes to creep in to survivors’ minds…Why does it still hurt? Does that mean something? Will the feeling ever change? What will he say? The list goes on. There should be a list that they give you called “these things are normal” so people like me can read it and cross things off. Oh, that feeling is normal? Ok. I can deal with that. But, my husband reminds me that normal is over rated. Still, there is a yearn to feel normal. 

Recently, a fellow survivor/friend and I went to a painting event. It was a fun afternoon. This was the first time that she had referred to herself as a survivor… Said it out loud. Trust me, it’s a big deal. When you’re in the midst of treatment, you just fight through. But after, you step back and realize “wow, I did it” – and you acknowledge that what you did was a big deal. So, saying it out loud is a big deal. I’m super proud of her. I’ve been pretty vocal and have tried to draw attention to  breast cancer happening in young women. She fought hard too, but hasn’t wanted the attention. I admire her strength. We’ve learned a lot from each other in the last year. My time out place would be much like the painting that we did. 

Tuesday will go fine. The winter won’t last forever. Half marathon training will be tough, but I can do it. And I will think of our painting as my time out place. I wish you peace on your journey of enough.

 

“Positivi-tea”

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It’s the first Monday of the New Year. I still enjoyed my morning coffee at work, but I decided to mix it up with some tea. I found this tea called positive energy tea. Although I’m not sure if tea can make you feel more positive, it’s worth a shot. If nothing else, the citrus flavor goes well with the EmergenC that was added to it (due to 12 yr old having a bad cold that I don’t want to get). 

Can tea really change our mood? What can? What can shift your thoughts from “ugh, it’s Monday” to “OK, let’s go, it’s Monday!”? Everyone has their own trigger to shift their mood. It might take a while to find it, and you need to be open to the idea, but I think it’s possible. What changes your mood for the positive?  Is it a walk outside? A run? A pet? A hug from someone you love? 

As we start a new year, we might need some reminders of the good things. We will be bombarded with messages of not being enough disguised as resolutions … You should lose weight, exercise more, quit smoking, quit drinking soda… The list goes on and on. Did you ever see the movie “What about Bob?!” If you haven’t seen it, rent it some snowy Saturday. “Baby Steps” is the name of the book in the movie … Take baby steps to get where you want to be, baby steps to your goals. Small steps are ok, it doesn’t have to be a monumental change. Keep that in mind as we start out 2016. It takes 16 weeks to train for a marathon, not 16 days. If you want to lose 20lbs, it won’t happen in 20 days. Give yourself permission to take baby steps, and remember… You ARE enough! Oh, and try some tea!

Turn over a new leaf…

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Happy New Year. January 1st is the biggest “Monday” of all. Time to turn over a new leaf. Time to start a new good habit and lose an old bad one. “I’ll start my diet on Monday or on January 1st” – similar ideas. January is typically the time for new resolutions, when we think that somehow things will be different. It’s just a day. Or is it? This year it falls on Friday, which makes for a nice long weekend.

What are your New Years resolutions? What new leaf do you want to turn over? I’m not sure that I’ve decided what mine are. I’m kind of running out of time, huh?  I’m guessing I can come up with something. Here we go…

I will train for and run my 4th half marathon.  

I’m not sure if this counts as a resolution, but it’s something big that I’m planning to do. I start training the end of January. In the early morning. In North Dakota. What was I thinking? I’m not much of a morning person. Even though I’m typing this in my bed, on my phone, at 5 am, I’d rather be sleeping. Every Saturday for 16-18 weeks I will need to be up at this time to drive into Fargo (15-20 min) to run. I’m also not a big fan of winter. We run outside the whole time. And I’m not a fast runner. I jog and walk. I don’t do 8 minute mile pace runs. I’m more of a 12-15 minute girl. So, you may be wondering why I signed up for this. I kind of am too, but there are lots of reasons. Listing them will also help me to remember my motivation. 

1. Because I can. I can run. I lived through cancer & broken foot & hysterectomy. I should be able to go 13 miles.

2. I can be an advocate & raise money for Lend a Hand (an organization in Fargo who helps people with the financial struggles of medical costs)

3. It’s another time where I will get to wear lots of pink & raise awareness for young women – Get your mammogram!!

4. I will have a big cheering section. (I hope) This year, I’m requesting my family & friends to come out and cheer me on. I’ve run the Fargo Half Marathon before, but didn’t specifically ask people to come out & cheer me on. This year will be different. I want to see those people who cheered me on through my cancer struggle to cheer me on to this finish line. And, if you’ve never witnessed a marathon before, you will be inspired. Trust me.

5. My 3 biggest fans will be there. I want to show to my kids that I can do anything – and so can they. I also want to thank my husband for believing in me. (He will be the one with the megaphone & super loud cowbell)

So there. I have declared it. I also plan to lose some weight along the way and get healthier.

2016 will be a great year. Day 1 of the rest of my life. Cheers to you on your journey & whatever “finish line” you are looking to cross. We CAN do it!!  

 

Memories

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Facebook started a thing where it reminds you of what you posted a year ago. Originally I thought this was cool. You could look back at what you posted last year or even several years ago. It was neat to see my boys as little guys instead of the young men they are becoming.

But then summer came and it reminded me of my brother in law, Jeff’s farm accident. It was tough to think back to that time. It was scary and all seemed like a dream. For those of you who are not close to me, he was driven over by a tractor and miraculously lived. He is even walking again. We referred to him as “the miracle man” or “Superman”. As tough as it was to be reminded of that time, there were many good things to follow… recovery, walking, a wedding and an announcement of a new baby on the way (first grandchild for him and my sister). Wheew, made it through that.

Then December came and after Dec 9th, my diagnosis date, I kept getting reminders of my cancer. A year ago, I announced my diagnosis. A year ago, I had an MRI. A year ago, I was meeting with several doctors, trying to figure out a plan. All reminders of what seems like a dream. A year ago, I was scared. But, a year ago, I was hopeful and positive that I would beat this. A year ago, I was thankful for the support of my family & friends and even strangers.

Life throws us curve balls every now and then. We just need to know how to react. If we have faith and stay positive, great things will come. I make it no secret that my faith in God helped to get me through my cancer journey. I learned to talk to him like another friend. I learned to ask for help when I didn’t feel strong. I asked him to watch over my family, and I thanked him. There was still so much to be thankful for. I wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone, but it did change me. I like to think I’m slower, more patient, and more trusting of his plan.

So, today I share with you my memory from a year ago. We all stood together, mom, my two sisters & I ready to “fight like a girl”…. And we did!

Seriously?!

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Let’s not take life so seriously. Yesterday, my husband, Cameron, dressed up like a real live Elf on the Shelf and had pictures & video taken all around our school. He works at the school as a para, and when they asked if he’d dress up like the famous red Elf, he cheerfully agreed. Most people would say “that’s nuts”, or would be embarrassed that someone might see them.

Not Cam.

He was excited to do it. He knew that it would make people laugh & smile and maybe not take life so seriously for a moment. There comes a point in most people’s lives where they quit doing stuff like this… goofy, fun stuff just to make someone smile.

Not Cam.

I’m thankful that he’s still a big kid. Without his humor & positive attitude, the last year would have been more difficult. If I hadn’t had him by my side through my “cancer journey”, the path might not have looked the same. I would have laughed less, cried more & likely wouldn’t have recovered as quickly. But he WAS with me. He held my hand, made me laugh & kept me moving. Was he scared & worried? I’m sure he was. But he knows I’m a tough chick & he believed in me. He wore funny shirts to my Dr appointments & surgeries. He made the Dr laugh on many occasions.

We may be an unlikely couple, but we balance each other out. He makes life fun & I make sure he doesn’t go too far. Let’s take some time to make sure that our family feels like they are “enough” too. Merry Christmas!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46Ki46_XAJ0

Confessions of a “busy mom”

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This last weekend flew by. Don’t they all? Time seems to speed up this time of year. Even though it was busy, I couldn’t shake the feeling of not doing “enough”.

We finally got our tree up on Saturday. We decorated the tree, went to work the concession stand at school & then went to a holiday party for work. Sunday morning we opted to skip the church kindergarten  program and instead, we went skiing. It’s easy to feel guilty for not going to church. Especially now that our oldest son is in confirmation. But my views on attendance has shifted in the last several years. Does he get more out of being forced to go, or does he get more out of enjoying God’s handiwork? Instead of sitting in a pew, he was skiing down a hill. He was enjoying the beautiful weather, getting a feel of his skiis against the snow cone like snow. He was testing out his skills (mini jumps), and gaining confidence with a dose of humility (falling). I doubt he felt very guilty. Instead he was thankful. My “almost 13” year old thanked us, without prompting, for taking them skiing. In my mind, that kind of makes God smile.

Instead of cleaning my house Sunday, I spent the day skiing too. My cluttered counter & piles of clothes would need to wait. If you come to my house on any random day, it will be a mess. It just is. It’s hard for me to accept that most days, but spending time with my kids trumps cleaning. And yet, it can make me feel like I’m not “enough”. In whose opinion though? My kids don’t care. Their friends don’t seem to. It’s just something that I feel like I should do more of. But then I look at my boys and get teary at the idea that they won’t be living here forever. And my counters stay messy and we go ski instead.

Please take the time to enjoy the Christmas season. Let Thanksgiving flow over from November and remind you to still be thankful. Even if it’s hard to be thankful, think of one thing a day that you are thankful for. It will start to shift your mindset and will likely make God smile. Your messy counters will wait. And, in case nobody told you, You ARE enough! Peace be with you on your journey.