Tag: #survivor

The dance…

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Last Friday, we had our local American Cancer Society Relay for Life. It used to be that people walked all through the night, but too many people left early, so ours goes until 1am. The picture is of my husband quickly walking away after a little two-step we did at the Relay event. They had a live band and it was playing some good country songs… and I just thought we needed to dance. Why? Because we can. Because it’s been 3 1/2 years since I was diagnosed & 3 years since a hysterectomy & broken foot all at once. Because dancing with my husband makes my heart happy. Because we don’t dance enough. Because it was a day to celebrate survivor & remember those no longer with us.

I’ve participated in Relay for Life for the last 4 years. The first year, I was still recovering & had a boot on my broken foot. This year, I was a team captain for our team at work. The survivor lap is more emotional than I am ever prepared for. With a sea of purple shirts & purple balloons, it’s an overwhelming sense of gratitude. We walk as one… each with a different story but all connected together. Then we walk a lap with our caregivers. My two sons and my husband walked with me. Our kids were 8 & 11 when I was diagnosed. I participated in this event so that someday, kids won’t have to hear their mom say, “I have cancer.”

The band played a song that made me cry… “I’m gonna love you through it,” by Martina McBride. Just typing it out, my eyes are welling up with tears. Grateful… just so grateful that I had someone to love me through it. I only had to change a couple of words in the song & it could have been written for me. When you’re weak, I’ll be strong. And he was. And so were many other special people in my life. Just take my hand, together we can do it. I’m gonna love you through it.

They also played “The Dance,” by Garth Brooks. Tears filled my eyes as we lit the luminarias in honor of a survivor & in memory of someone who had passed. I could have missed the pain, but I’d have to miss the dance. Oh, how true. So, while we were the only ones two-stepping on the track, I didn’t want to miss the dance.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you take the time to dance, because there are those who cannot… and those who would give anything to have one more dance with the one they loved.

Faith of many kinds…

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When I was in high school, I won a 4-H public speaking competition. I went on to the districts and to state … and won. Instead of a trophy or a ribbon, I won a trip to Israel. This was not too long after the 1991 scud missile attack. It was a 10 day long trip. I was the North Dakota representative, there was a girl from Minnesota and a girl from South Dakota. We would travel with a male chaperone from Minnesota and meet up with an Israeli host family. We came from different faith backgrounds: Lutheran, Catholic and Mormon. It was an amazing trip of a lifetime. We toured much of the country (it is very small). We went to the Lebanese border, ate lunch by the Sea of Galilee, touched the Wailing Wall, stood on the Mount of Olives, swam in the Dead Sea, saw the scrolls, stayed at a Kibbutz, walked in Jerusalem, toured their Parliment building… it was a full trip. And my parents let me go!!! They let a 17 year old girl fly across the globe with strangers. As a parent of a teen, that freaks me out. What faith they had in me, the 4-H council and these strangers! I love my parents deeply and I know they wouldn’t have sent me if they thought I would be in danger. We were very safe on our trip. Our host knew what areas were safe and what to avoid. The people that I was traveling with were nice people. This was before the age of cell phones. We didn’t have much contact the entire 10 days… my mommy heart now knows it must have been the longest 10 days of my mom’s life. I am forever grateful for the opportunity to go.

Faith (noun) complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Also: a strong belief in God or the doctrines of a religion.

I just sent our oldest son for Texas for a week with his church group. 12 kids total and 3 chaperones will spend a week doing service work, attending conferences and getting to sightsee a little. They are supposed to limit their cell phone use and just be present in the moment. It’s only the first full day for them. Other than knowing that he arrived in Texas and it’s hot there, I don’t know much else. I sent him with some cash, a VISA card and lots of faith – of both kinds. There will be 30,000 kids at the convention. I have no doubt it will be an amazing experience for him. I didn’t go on the Lutheran youth trip when I was in high school because it was around the time of my Israel trip noted above. I hope he has stories to tell when he gets back and that his faith grows as a result of the trip. Slowly, I am learning to have faith that we’ve given our sons a firm foundation. I’m learning to let go.

I bought myself some flowers this week for my desk to remind me of the beauty all around. It was also a little bit to cheer me up and take my mind off of the fear of letting my son travel and to just have faith. Wherever you’re at on your journey, I hope you will take a leap of faith, have faith in others & in yourself and grow your faith (whatever that may be.) You are enough. You are always enough. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

When an oil change does more than change the oil…

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I went to get my oil changed over lunch today. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen. When I arrived, there was a little girl in the waiting area, and her mom was talking to someone about brakes. She was going to color a rainbow (to keep her busy while her mom talked). “Mom, Mom, Mom…. what color comes next? Yellow???” The mother was ignoring her. I’m not judging, I’ve been there. 1,000 questions from your 4 year old and you’re just trying to figure out something with your vehicle. “Mom, mom, mommy…. what color is next?” This went on for a while. The mother went to an office to talk about a different car, and the girl stayed coloring in the lobby. She struck up a conversation. “What color comes after yellow?” “Green,” I told her. “It’s like the rainbow on your skirt.” She was wearing a cute little skirt with rainbow colors and sparkly silver sandals. She came and sat down by me, not scared at all. She told me who she was coloring the picture for, what their dogs names were, about gymnastics & fairs and rainbows. And my heart just smiled. I put my phone down and had a conversation with a little girl who just wanted to be heard. And seen (she showed me some “tricks” she could do). She brushed away her brown hair from her face and her eyes lit up. She would sometimes run over and ask her mom a clarifying question, “what was the name of the ride I like at the fair?”… then she’d skip back over to me and finish her story.

When they were getting ready to leave, I reminded her to take her picture. She told her mom that she had been talking to this girl, and smiled at me. I’m not called a girl much anymore. At 44, I’m usually referred to as “ma’am or miss.” I told her to have a great day and she skipped out the door. She was a reminder today to listen to little kids. I know it can get annoying at times, but they don’t stay 4 for long. One day, her mom will pick her up for the last time. One day, she will be more worried about boys than rainbows. Some of my “one days” have come and gone and my sons are growing taller than me. I won’t get that time back. Regrets or not, I can’t undo the past. I can listen more going forward. I can try to spend more time with them and not rush.

The oil change today changed my perspective. The little rainbow girl will stay in my head & remind me to have more fun and to listen. Whatever journey you’re on, I hope you’re able to impact the life of a child. Whether it’s your kid, your grandkids, a neighbor kid, or a little girl at a car dealership… take 15 minutes. Listen to their magical story and it might just change your day.

The birds & the bears…

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I realized it’s been quite a while since I’ve written a post. I’ve started several, but something silly happened. I noticed that my blog was read around the world. Literally – people from other countries were reading my blogs. And as cool and humbling as that was, it scared me. I don’t really like to “be seen.” Since then, I’ve been taking some writing classes and some self development type classes. I realized now is the time to step forward. So here I am again 😉.

The necklace above is one I bought for myself. Someone once told me that my spirit animal is a bear. Whether or not you believe in that kind of thing doesn’t really matter to me – I thought it was cool & appropriate. I am fiercely protective of my two “cubs”… but not only them… I’m protective of those I’m close to. Make fun of my kid? Mama bear comes out. Make my sister sad? Mama bear again. Make my friend cry? Yep, Mama bear. The bear holding the fish was at our house when we bought it. We thought of getting rid of it, but I think it needs to stay. It’s a reminder to me of my strength. It also reminds me that I need to be aware of my mama bear and sometimes back off. I can’t rush in to save the day. I can’t beat up the bully or take revenge on a mean person. Sometimes people need to wade their way through their own battles and learn to find their inner bear. It’s really difficult though. My controlling nature and desire for my loved ones to be happy makes it hard to keep the bear silent. Instead, I just need to tell them, “I’m here for you.” I think they know if they ever really needed my mama bear side, it would be there.

These two pictures are of a cardinal bird Mom in our shrub & of the nest itself. She guarded the eggs for quite a while. We didn’t touch them – we just observed. Then one day there was an egg missing. Two days later, the other egg was missing. We assume it was the red squirrel, but we can’t be sure. What does this have to do with anything? My own nest was partially empty this week. Our oldest son was at FFA camp, and I felt “off.” School is out and summer activities have begun. We are working a lot on our farm to get things planted and nurtured and watered…. but something was missing. Work went on for me as normal and our youngest had band camp & golf lesson, but something was missing. I felt like that mama bird must have felt when her first egg was gone. Luckily, mine returns today.

I realized part of the reason it bothered me was because I couldn’t control what was happening. He was only 2 hrs away, but I didn’t know what he was up to. I didn’t know if he was behaving, or brushing his teeth or being kind to others. Whew. Control. Something I will need to keep working on. Keep letting him explore and experience, while keeping my mama bird & mama bear off to the sideline.

On your journey of enough, I hope you have a mama bear friend… but I also hope you find the one inside of you. It’s there. I wish you peace and awareness and acceptance. You are enough. You’ve always been enough.

So close…

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Do you ever feel like this pool ball? Do you feel on the edge – soooo close, just not quite there? What’s the thing you need to push you forward or onto something great? How long will you sit there?

A few things happened to me after I had cancer. Aside from physical changes, my outlook on life changed some also. “Life is too short” took on a whole new meaning for me. I would sit at my desk job, feeling bad because I wasn’t making a difference in the world.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Life is too short to be stressed.

Life is too short to be angry.

Life is too short to _____ (fill in the blank).

I might not be “changing the world” like I envisioned, but I am changing my world and my family’s world. I’ve tried a bunch of new things in the last 3 years… I joined a wine club, taken a Healing Touch class, joined a church small group, become a co-chair of our Relay for Life team, taken intuition & spirit classes and shot a bow & arrow. Do you ever get a whispering feeling nudging you in a certain direction? If you don’t pay attention to it, does it get louder? Are you like the pool ball, sitting on the edge? Don’t let fear hold you back. There is a Christian radio song called “Fear is a Liar.” It’s a great song. Fear is a liar. It will try to keep you small and safe and comfortable. Don’t believe the lies.

On your journey of enough, I hope you listen to the nudge instead of just sitting on the edge. I hope you take a risk, make someone smile, try something new, meet a new friend, experience something amazing. Peace be with you on your journey. Life really is short – make the most of it.

What NOT to do…

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We are used to seeing signs and messages about what NOT to do… No parking, no smoking, no loitering. We don’t think twice about their meaning. For the most part, they are straight forward and make sense. But what about people? Do you have people in your life who are showing you what NOT to do? Sometimes, I feel like we ignore those people as being signs or teachers. We dismiss them as being annoying or mean or frustrating, but maybe they have a message for us.

If everyone crosses our path for a reason, the difficult people are there for a reason too. For example, the person who is really prejudiced…did they teach you to be more accepting of others? The person who is ungrateful and rude…did they teach you to use softer words and say “thank you” more? I feel like if someone is in my path to teach me something, they won’t leave until I learn it… or someone new and similar will show up. Sometimes it’s a reflection on how I talk to myself (mean things in my head about my weight or writing or parenting). Until I fix or heal those things, I will keep getting opportunities to learn more.

There are plenty of people who are good examples too. The people who you admire, look up to or strive to be like – they also have something to teach us. If we see something positive in others, we should look for it in ourselves too. So, if you are also a teacher for others, what are you going to choose to be?… the positive example or the example of what NOT to do? Each day on Earth, we have a choice. On your journey of enough, I hope you will be a positive example to others and learn from those who can’t seem to find a silver lining.

“Can we fix it?”

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When our oldest son was growing up, he loved Bob the Builder. It was (maybe still is) a cartoon about a construction guy named Bob, who had talking vehicles that helped him fix things. Their slogan was, “Can we fix it? Yes, we can!” And there was a song that followed. My husband stayed at home with the boys when they were little, so he heard this song… a LOT. One day, he got tired of it, and switched it to the Spanish version. Since we don’t know much Spanish, he thought it would quickly get shut off because it would be too confusing. He was wrong. Instead, it seemed like a fun new adventure to hear things in a whole new way.

I’m finding myself wanting to “fix” things that aren’t mine to fix. My life path is taking a bit of a detour/side road, and the control freak side of me is wanting to call in Bob the Builder. If I could just “fix” it and make it all better, then life could go on as planned… or would it? Would it turn into a version that I couldn’t understand, trying to figure out how to switch the remote back?We usually have “rear-view mirror” epiphanies… it’s sometimes easy to see what our lesson was after the fact. In the middle of it, it’s messy and confusing & feels like we are watching an episode that we don’t know how to follow along with.

Sometimes we try to “fix things” with external stuff in hopes it will fill us up. (Mine was Caribou coffee, sunshine, peanut butter & chocolate, as shown in the picture) Sometimes we use music or meditation to distract us a bit. When we try to use alcohol or drugs to escape and not deal with it at all, it does not make it go away. Whatever we are supposed to learn is still there.

I’m trying to learn how to be mindful and set intentions in my day. Some days it’s great and keeps me moving forward. Some days, like yesterday, I can almost see it going down the drain. It’s an old school merry-go-round with nobody to stop it. Too many things just out of my control…. but I have to stop. And breathe. And realize there is a lesson in this somewhere. It might take me years to see it… but it’s there. Something is happening to help me grow & teach me what I need to know to move forward. My mentor frequently says, “Things are happening FOR you, not TO you. Look for the blessings.” I’m learning a lot this week. Perhaps you are too. Some things aren’t mine to fix, and that is OK.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough… Peace to fill you as you sit in the sunshine, peace to fill you as you look for the light. Peace… (and some chocolate or coffee) Take a deep breath and smile, even if you don’t mean it yet. I hope soon you will.

Friday the 13th…

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It’s Friday the 13th. This is my black cat. Did you worry about this day? Were you anticipating the bad things that would happen? If you were planning on the day being bad or full of mishaps you were probably right. If you hadn’t noticed what day it was, or weren’t worried about what would happen, you were also probably right.

I’m learning about the power of thoughts… the background noise in our heads (Some is louder than others). What does your background noise sound like? Is it positive or negative. Whatever it is, it will shape your day. Do you plan on something going wrong? Then it’s likely it will. Do you look for the silver lining? Then it’s likely you will find it. “Thoughts become things.” I’m not sure who said it originally, but my boss said it recently & it really stuck. The saying, along with several classes I’m taking and groups I am a part of – has me shifting my thoughts. My black cat isn’t bad luck. The 13th day of the month doesn’t make it worse, regardless of the day it falls on in the week. Each day we have a choice to make… will it be a good day or a bad day? Some things are out of our control, but our reactions are within our control. If lots of things seem to be going wrong, search for the good. Find one thing, even a small thing & be thankful for that. The next day, try to find two positive things.

I wish you luck on your journey of enough, but mostly I wish you peace and happiness. I wish for you to experience joy and gratitude. Once you do, I hope you will share the good with others… share a smile, a word of encouragement, a compliment. You may be their “one thing” that they are thankful for today.

Embracing 3 years…

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Some people will ignore this as “just another cancer anniversary post, but it’s more than that. 3 years ago today, I rang the bell as a cancer survivor. I still carry the card with me from the cancer center:

“Ring this bell Three times well Its toll to clearly say, My treatment’s done This course is run And I am on my way.”

I brought my family with me that day. I almost didn’t. I was tired from the radiation & hadn’t thought about “bothering them” to come and be with me. Bothering. How often do we not let others help us or let them in because we don’t want to bother them? Way too often. 3 years ago, I almost stood there by myself because I didn’t want to be a bother. I already had way too much attention on me. I already felt bad about so much time being spent on me. So many times throughout my cancer treatments, I didn’t want to be a bother. I didn’t want to ask for help with meals or call someone just to talk about “normal life” or let someone clean my house.

We do this regardless if we have cancer or not. We don’t think that we are worth someone’s time. We are wrong. My mom would have loved it if I bothered her more to help me or to just listen. My friend would have felt useful if I would have bothered her more to bring a meal or just visit over coffee. We need to realize that we are not a bother or a waste of time. We are worthy. The worth needs to come from within. You need to believe it first. Once you do, you can let people in. Sure, that can be scary… there is usually a fear of rejection. But what if they say “yes” and they would love to help/listen/visit/clean? They will feel great for being there for you & you will feel great because some burden has been lifted from your shoulders.

In honor of my 3 year anniversary, I invite you to write down all of the ways you think you are a bother. Write them on a piece of paper. Then shred the paper or (safely) burn it. Do NOT hold onto it. Get rid of that – let it go. Then fill yourself up with something good, something you enjoy. I wish you peace on your journey. You are not alone, you are not a bother, and you ARE enough!

Learn from the bad, remember the good…

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99 what??

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

99 problems?

Nope. My grandma would have been 99 on Easter. She was an April Fool’s baby. Her birthday was always easy for me to remember. This picture was taken 5 years ago. (It’s a little blurry but you get the idea) My son was 6 at the time. He could make her smile like nobody else could. He would visit with her and wasn’t scared of older people like some kids are. She passed away at 95. I can’t even imagine all of the change she saw in her lifetime. She lived through the depression. She raised 10 kids. She didn’t lead an easy life, but it was full. One thing I will always remember is how much my grandparents loved each other. They would hold hands, giggle/laugh and have fun. They loved to dance when they were able, before arthritis made it difficult for grandma to walk. They played cards together and with friends. It wasn’t that they never fought, but they must have forgiven… found a way to come together despite their differences. It’s the kind of relationship I’ve wanted to emulate. Maybe it’s part of the reason I married my husband- I’d always be sure to laugh.

I don’t know all of the details of their bad times. I don’t know about the depression of the 30’s and 40’s, shortages of food or money, or what it’s like to lose a child. I feel like both of my grandparents would say, “Learn from the bad times, but remember the good times.” They weren’t negative people. They didn’t dwell on the crummy stuff in the past. They learned from those experiences, but I feel like they remembered the good instead of the struggles.

Same goes for the memories of them. I feel like they would want the good times to come to mind first… the big family gatherings, the laughter, the food shared, the games and the fun. Sometimes I find myself dwelling in the past. I feel guilty for yelling at my 3 yr old (12 years ago!), or regret words said or things I did in high school (even longer ago!!) I need to honor those things as a part of what shaped my story, but it’s not my current story. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move forward.

We recently went on a “spring break” trip to learn about making maple syrup and then to Nashville, Memphis & Bowling Green. Will my kids remember every detail from the trip? No. I hope they have a general memory that it was a fun trip, including the Grand Ole Opry, the Bass Pyramid & the Corvette Museum. They (hopefully) won’t remember the argument about Algebra before hand or any of the other small things along the way. Hopefully, they will learn from the Algebra struggles but remember the trip.

We are all too hard on ourselves. We carry around the baggage of the past, unwilling to set it down and hand it over because we’ve gotten comfortable with it. It’s ok to set it down. It’s ok to write a new chapter to your story. This is your journey- make the most of it. When you lay down the baggage of the past, you make more room for great new experiences.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you always learn from the bad, but remember the good!!