Tag: #breastcancer

Are you resisting the good?

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This photo came up on my Facebook feed today. I remember this day. Our youngest son was 4. He was not a fan of Santa. Each year, we went to Santa Village in Fargo. It was an old farm that was made into a “park” for the Fargo Park District. Every year for Christmas, they set up a model train in the barn, made crafts, decorated cookies with Mrs.Claus, saw the reindeer, wrote letters to Santa and got to visit with him. The visiting part didn’t always go well. Some years, we had to wait in a long line to visit with Santa. He always wore over-all’s since he was at the farm. He wasn’t in his red suit until Christmas, of course. He had white hair and glasses and was soft spoken.

Myles was not a fan of any kind of mascots or life size cartoon characters & he wasn’t a fan of Santa. You can see my husband laughing hysterically & our other son with a big grin like “I’m getting his presents too!” We went back later and tried again. This time, he sat on his lap and even gave him a hug.

It made me think – how many times do we resist something good just because it’s scary. Have you ever passed up an opportunity because you didn’t want to go outside your comfort zone? Have you ever stayed away from someone unfamiliar? What if they were like Santa? A little scary at first, but really kind hearted. What if there was a great gift waiting for you but you were too stuck in your ways to check it out? Next time you encounter an opportunity, think of Santa. Just maybe don’t scream or cry like our son did.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Ho ho ho.

Drop the hiking pack…

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I took this picture after dropping my son off at school. What a beautiful sunrise. (I added the words to make it more “artsy”) But, it got me thinking – how many days do we drag yesterday with us instead of starting over. Have you seen the movie “50 First dates?” Adam Sandler falls in love with Drew Barrymore, but she has short term memory loss. She forgets yesterday & starts over each day. I wouldn’t want to forget yesterday, but maybe I don’t need to hold onto it so much. You’ve heard people say they have “emotional baggage.” To me, that brings up a powerful mental image. The heavy baggage of yesterday that we carry around…We dwell on it. We let it define us. We let it hold us down & keep us from moving forward.

Have you ever pictured it? Have you pictured getting rid of it? Have you seen yourself lifting it off your shoulders like one of those giant hiking backpacks? Give it a try. Picture yourself taking off that burden. Release that fear, that anger, that guilt, that doubt. You don’t need to carry it with you. It does not need to define you. It may have shaped who you are, but it doesn’t need to weigh you down and keep you from discovering something new about yourself.

You might not want to get rid of your big hiking pack. I get it, it’s comfortable & safe. It feels like something you’re supposed to have on, to carry around and to keep you from running too far or trying something too crazy. Ok, so what if you took baby steps & took a few things out of your pack to start with? Maybe you’re not ready to kick it down the street just yet. What if you wrote down something from that backpack & then tossed it away? We did this at a retreat & it was a powerful experience. Toss it. Got rid of it. Throw it in the fire or into the garbage. You don’t need it anymore. You don’t need it to define you. Fill yourself up with some laughs. Let that laughter take the spot of whatever you took out of that pack. See how much lighter the laughter is? It’s bound to make you smile too.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I wish you peace that you will find from the release of your baggage. Fill it up with enough love to keep you warm, enough laughter to keep you light & enough hope to keep you moving forward.

When no news is good news …

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My Halloween mammogram results were mailed to me. I am so thankful that I didn’t get a call. I knew that if there was something suspicious they would have called in 1-2 days. So delighted to see this in the mail today. 

My results were “normal.” Hallelujah! There were 3 ladies named Mavis getting mammograms on Tuesday. What are the odds of that?! I take it as a sign that I was supported.  I felt the love and support of everyone who said they would hold my hand through it. 

If you are a lady & haven’t had a mammogram yet this year, please do so. It could literally save your life!! (Men get breast cancer also but I’m not sure about insurance coverage for men) When you do, I hope you hear no news and get a letter instead of a call. Thank your technician because they also helped. Tell someone you trust that you’re going so they can pray with you. One year, my best friend came with me and we had lunch and drinks before hand.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. 

Hibernation…

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It’s opening deer season in MN tomorrow and everyone is excited about getting out and hunting. Except me. I’m excited for my husband & son, but I won’t be sitting in a deer stand myself. I’m more of an “inside girl” in the winter. I try to ski and liked snowshoeing, but I still don’t love winter. Yep, I’m aware of where I live… winter is inevitable. It’s been in the 30’s for several days, and while that makes my son super excited that “ice will be forming on the lakes,” I just want to crawl into my hot coffee & eat all of my Halloween candy. It’s been super cold at work so I’ve had layers on. (Not as cold as my old job where I had a heater and fingerless gloves like from The Breakfast Club movie.) It’s cold enough that I crank it up to “nursing home hot” when I get home.

Hiding. Hibernation. Isolation. It’s easier to do here when it’s cold. It’s easier to get stuck inside under a cozy blanket and nap away the winter. But that’s not what we are called to do. We are called to connect with others, to support each other and to experience our lives. Remember how I told you that I joined a Connect Group at church? Connection. Why are we so scared of it? I met with two strangers and they didn’t laugh at me or call me nuts. We all have our own version of crazy, so we shouldn’t hide ourselves away just for fear of rejection. I went to a retreat last weekend with 18 other ladies I had never met. Me. An introvert. Guess what? It was great! It was amazing and it was fun. Connection. We all crave it whether we admit it or not. I cried and laughed with 18 strangers and made 18 new friends. I opened up my small circle to let people in. They didn’t run away. They hugged me instead. They cried with me and laughed with me. 

Even though I feel like a momma bear some days, I’m not meant to hibernate. Neither are you. I challenge you to let someone new get to know you. The real you, the authentic you. May your journey of enough include some new paths, new friends and new experiences. Life is short, go live it! 

Peace be with you!

Hibernation…

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It’s opening deer season in MN tomorrow and everyone is excited about getting out and hunting. Except me. I’m excited for my husband & son, but I won’t be sitting in a deer stand myself. I’m more of an “inside girl” in the winter. I try to ski and liked snowshoeing, but I still don’t love winter. Yep, I’m aware of where I live… winter is inevitable. It’s been in the 30’s for several days, and while that makes my son super excited that “ice will be forming on the lakes,” I just want to crawl into my hot coffee & eat all of my Halloween candy. It’s been super cold at work so I’ve had layers on. (Not as cold as my old job where I had a heater and fingerless gloves like from The Breakfast Club movie.) It’s cold enough that I crank it up to “nursing home hot” when I get home.

Hiding. Hibernation. Isolation. It’s easier to do here when it’s cold. It’s easier to get stuck inside under a cozy blanket and nap away the winter. But that’s not what we are called to do. We are called to connect with others, to support each other and to experience our lives. Remember how I told you that I joined a Connect Group at church? Connection. Why are we so scared of it? I met with two strangers and they didn’t laugh at me or call me nuts. We all have our own version of crazy, so we shouldn’t hide ourselves away just for fear of rejection. I went to a retreat last weekend with 18 other ladies I had never met. Me. An introvert. Guess what? It was great! It was amazing and it was fun. Connection. We all crave it whether we admit it or not. I cried and laughed with 18 strangers and made 18 new friends. I opened up my small circle to let people in. They didn’t run away. They hugged me instead. They cried with me and laughed with me. 

Even though I feel like a momma bear some days, I’m not meant to hibernate. Neither are you. I challenge you to let someone new get to know you. The real you, the authentic you. May your journey of enough include some new paths, new friends and new experiences. Life is short, go live it! 

Peace be with you!

Grace …

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“the condition or fact of being favored by someone”

synonyms: favor, approval, approbation, acceptance, esteem, regard, respect; goodwill

Grace. There are at least 5 different meanings when I look it up. I felt it the other night. We were at church for confirmation & the parents go to a small group while the kids are in their own group. It’s led by a lady who is trained in the “Nurtured Heart” approach. Our previous school did lots of things with this. My husband had gone to training in it also. She talked about how we need to give our kids a safe place. We shouldn’t be hard on them or freak out at them. Some parents talked about their kids being perfectionists. I said that I just wanted mine to care more so I didn’t have to hound him to do homework. I sat with my arms crossed, feeling like a failure. I’m sure my body language was obvious.

I yell. I hound. I curse (out loud & in my head… not out loud at church of course). After the parent session was over, I grumbled in my head and met Dallas to go home. In the car, we talked about what our groups were doing. “What are they doing in your group, Mom?” My summary was less than stellar (apologies to the church people who may read this). “We talked about the Nurtured Heart.” He asked what it was. “Well, I’m not supposed to freak out at you, so I’m feeling like a $@&y mom.” His voice sounded surprised. “You’re not a crappy mom, you’re a great mom.” I told him how I felt bad for hounding him to do homework & turn stuff in. He said that it was ok, & he actually appreciates it because sometimes he forgets. 

Grace. 

9th grade in a new, big school is overwhelming. I guess it’s ok for your mom to remind you to turn in your stuff. If I hadn’t talked about this, I would have gone home, playing that crappy Mom scenario over and over in my head. I would have made up a whole story that was negative and self-hating. Instead, I asked and he gave me grace.

Fast forward to parent teacher conferences last night… there were some assignments that still weren’t turned in. While talking with the teachers, they were more than willing to let him turn the work in still. Grace. Because he asked. Because he cared. 

Grace. I’ve seen the word pop up a number of times in the last week. I started writing and then stopped. Put my blog post in “draft” mode and waited. But it appeared again and today, so someone needs to hear about Grace. To me, it means acceptance, forgiveness & love. I need to show it to my son more. I need to show it to myself more. I’m guessing you need it too. We all do. 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you keep your hearts open to give grace & accept grace along the way. 

Experiment of One Word…

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One word. I was a part of a group/class and one of our assignments was to ask on social media: “describe me in 1 word.” We could not say why or respond with anything other than “thank you.” This felt strange. It felt like I was fishing for compliments and laying my heart out. The most amazing thing happened: I got practice accepting a compliment. Instead of brushing it off or adding a “but…” – all I did was reply thank you. It’s harder to do than you think. How many times does someone compliment you and you add a “thanks, BUT I got it on sale” or some other comment that tends to diminish their compliment? Try it out. If someone compliments you, just say thank you, and smile. Soak up the positive energy & spread it around to someone else. 

Another great thing happened… I now have a whole list of words to describe myself. Instead of the negative comments that sometimes float around in my head, I have a whole list of great words. I heard from people I wouldn’t have expected a comment from. I heard responses I wasn’t anticipating. They all remind me of who I am to others & who I should be to myself. I typed them all out in different fonts and  fun colors and hung it in my room. I haven’t been brave enough to hang it at work yet. One word came up twice and made me teary… Enough. Oh, yes! Enough! What a great reminder. 

Given the recent tragic shooting in Las Vegas, it made me think of this “one word.” It doesn’t cost anything to give people a compliment. It’s free to give people a new word to describe themselves. What if you could make someone’s day? What if you could lift them up when they are down? What if you could make them feel loved? You can. Oh precious soul, you do have the power to make someone else feel enough. Or beautiful… or inspirational… or talented. We don’t know how long we have on this earth. Don’t leave those good words unsaid. I challenge you to tell someone what they mean to you. Give them a new positive word. 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I’d love to hear what your one word is.

Hold my hand…

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“Fine.” That’s what most people say when you ask, “How are you doing?” Most people are also liars when it comes to this question, but we still ask just to be nice, or fill an awkward silence or make us think that by asking we are somehow better connected. They talked about it at church last night. The pastor talked about people coming to church to feel a sense of community, but not being willing to get past the “fine.”  I get it. I’m there with you. It’s scary. It’s scary to open up to someone else and/or someone new. What if they look at you funny? What if they avoid you next time? What if they laugh, think you’re crazy or tell their friends to avoid you? But what if they care? What if, by opening up, you make a new friend or a new connection? What if you are the listening ear that someone else needs & you make their day? (By the way, you may never know or realize that this happens… people don’t always come back saying, “thanks for listening or caring.”)

So, here I am… being vulnerable… asking for you to hold my hand. (Virtually, of course.) I have my “routine” mammogram tomorrow (Friday) now changed to Monday 10/23. It comes 6 months after the MRI. This is the schedule for a while, after finding breast cancer on my left side. It still makes me nervous. It still takes my breath away. It still makes me feel like an actual elephant is sitting on my chest. I was thinking it would be later in October, but they had an opening this week, and it worked into the schedule. It’s for the best that I didn’t have 25 days to think about it. I only had 2. (I literally wrote this post at noon and they called me to change it to Oct 23rd, so I DO have 25 days to wait. I guess this gives me extra time for prayers.) This will be my first one at the clinic in town instead of driving back to Fargo.  I can do this. It’s quick, it’s not super painful and it’s necessary. I know God’s in control of this, but I can’t help wonder what is up his sleeve for me. I hope it’s to live a long life, see my kids grow & marry, and have families of their own. We aren’t guaranteed that… but that’s my hope. 

I learned to pray more intentionally after several significant life events. So here is my request: Imagine you are holding my hand on October 23rd. I may squeeze your hand when they press the machine down. The scar tissue is still tender. I may shed a tear because I’m just so thankful to be alive. Pray specifically for peace… for a sense of calm to wash over me. Pray for a good, clear scan. Pray for quick results & good news. Then, go hug someone. If you are a female, schedule your damn mammogram. Just do it. I don’t care what size or shape you are… just make the appointment. And when you do, you can message me to pray for you and I promise I will. 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have enough courage to open up and let people in. May you have enough faith to get you through tough times. May you have enough friends to hold your hand so that you don’t even notice the mammogram machine smush.

Better Connected

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I looked in the mirror after the church service Wednesday night, looking for grey hair. When did I become a grumpy old church lady? Do you know what I’m talking about? We had some sweet grey haired ladies in our Lutheran church growing up. They sure would give you a “look” if your kids were misbehaving. As our pastor talked, people talked amongst themselves… loudly. Not just kids, but adults too… talking without respect for the pastor. Their conversation was much more important than whatever he was saying about the new Confirmission year (confirmation + mission). I felt myself being annoyed and wondering what the pastor was feeling. I certainly was grumpy about it but I didn’t make any “church lady glances.”

Our church has a “theme” each year. Last year, it was Church in the Wild. It focused on getting out into the community to share our faith. This year, the theme is Better Connected. They bring in a guest speaker every so often. That night it was a youth pastor who spoke of being called out of our comfort zone. When he spoke, those side conversations stopped. Everyone was paying attention. (Thank goodness) This topic was perfect for me. Although I’m no longer considered a youth, the idea of being better connected with strangers is certainly out of my comfort zone. As part of the Better Connected theme, they are starting small groups. Ugh small groups? Will there be “ice breakers” also? Normally, I’d pretend that I didn’t see the sign up sheet, come up with an excuse not to do it, or avoid everyone who tried to ask me about it. In the spirit of trying new things, I signed up. Aaahh. Can you believe this?! Add this to the list of things I never thought I’d do. Oh and while I was at it, last week I also went to a Parents Advisory Council (kinda like PTA) at Myles’ school. 

Why, oh why am I doing these things? Modeling. No, not in the sense of fashion (for sure that’s not me)… in the sense of modeling for my kids. To show them that it’s ok to step outside your comfort zone. It’s ok to try new things. It’s ok to open up and let people in. Scary? Hell, yes. But, I felt that tap on my shoulder to do this. I’m excited to see what will come of it. If I don’t try, I will never know. 

My journey of enough is taking me on a different path. A path that I never thought I’d go down. It’s safe and comfortable to stay with what you know… but what if something great comes out of the new path? What if I inspire my kids or make a new friend? I’ll keep you posted on how this all shakes out. Maybe you’ll feel compelled to try something new too. Maybe you’ll find your new favorite hobby or wine or friend. 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Hang on and enjoy the ride!

Good news and donuts…

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I’ve transitioned almost everything after our move… new dentist, orthodontist, new church, new doctor, new place to change the oil and find cheap bread (different places). One thing that I’ve held out on is my oncologist. I can’t bring myself to change that one just yet. There’s a reason why we are reluctant to change – it’s safe and comfortable and predictable to stay with what you know. Even with all of the changes that I’ve gone through in the last year, this is one that I’m waiting a little longer to change. So, for now, I will drive back to Fargo every 6 months to meet with my oncologist. 

Leading up to the appointment, we were on a family trip, so my mind was pre occupied with vacation stuff. I did find myself being “short” with my family, but I didn’t make the connection- appointment was coming up and I was anxious. It’s been more than 2 years since I rang the bell signifying the end of my cancer, but the what ifs are hard to push out of my mind. What if I missed something in a self exam? What if there is a different cancer somewhere else? I tried to quiet my mind on the drive to Fargo and stopped for a quick cappuccino Heath Blizzard before my appointment. 

Breathe…

I checked in to the front desk at the cancer center. Every time I’m there, I’m one of the youngest people there. I also look healthy, aside from being a little overweight… I don’t fit in. I wonder about everyone’s story. We all have a story. The grey haired couple argued about which direction to go. The lady in a wheelchair wanted her leg adjusted. The lady with a walker and a scarf on her head looked for a place to sit. All different stories with a common thread… cancer. I didn’t have to wait long before the nurse called my name. I stepped on the scale and walked back to the exam room.

Breathe…

Vitals and verbal updates, then wait for the Doctor. While I waited, I thought back to that first appointment with him, when they had to re-do my blood pressure because it was off the charts. I didn’t have to wait too long before he came in. I had nothing new to report, but he would check things over just to be sure. I got the all clear – stat on the same “anti-cancer” meds and see him again in 6 months. I can have my 3D mammograms and MRI done in Alexandria.  

Wheew! BIG breath.

As I left the clinic, I found my way down to Broadway and just had to stop for donuts. I wish I didn’t tie food to celebrating, but I do. Good news called for good donuts. Maybe someone will start a trend of celebration carrots, but until then… peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you be blessed with good news and donuts!