Tag: #survivor

Pins & needles…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

“Sitting on pins and needles” is a phrase that dates back to the 19th century. The fact that the saying has been around for 200 years means it’s something super common. We don’t always discuss our “pins & needles” moments. The intensity may vary, but they happen to all of us.

Last week I had my yearly mammogram. Because I am a breast cancer survivor, I have an MRI and alternating 3D mammogram every 6 months. Pins & needles. I feel fine, but is it really still ok? What if they see something I hadn’t noticed. What if a marker (tiny clip they put in where they do biopsies) has changes by it…. what if. I got the results this week, and it was normal. Wheew.

Last week, our oldest son went to the cardiologist for his heart. They did an EKG, we met with the Dr, did an Echo of his heart, and met with the Dr. again. We left there with a 24 hr heart monitor. He wore it as instructed. Then we sent it back to them. Now we wait. Pins and needles. Thoughts race through our minds of what if. We still wait… Up to a week before they have the test results. Mama bear will give them a call on Wednesday. They will likely do a stress test and then figure out the next steps. I wish I could tell kids to be nice and not make fun of him. I wish I could take the pains away.

Wednesday is the same day I go back to Fargo for oncology follow up. Obviously, if my mammogram was fine, this should be a quick visit. It will take longer to drive up there than it will for the appointment. Still some pins and needles. What will he say? Will he release me to Alexandria instead? Will he want me to still come twice a year or will it be only yearly? Then what? I’m approaching 5 yrs from diagnosis. It’s a day I always knew would come, but there has been a lot of pins and needles in between.

I know so many people on different kinds of pins and needles: job changes, pregnancy, relationships, finances, family issues, health concerns…. we all have our own version. The person who seemed “prickly” today may have some pins and needles bothering them. Be kind.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find some peace in your “pins & needles” moments. Be the listening ear or the cheerleader for someone else who is experiencing their own “pins & needles” moments. Life is short, let’s be there for each other.

What’s trying to steal your joy?

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Last week, our oldest son was startled by a noise in the window well. Sometimes a frog or critter will end up stuck down there. This was different. A weasel had gotten in and was on his window. Now, if you’ve read my blogs before, you know that I have chickens. If you’ve watched Looney Tunes, you know that weasels love chickens also… but in a different way.

I love my chickens. They are my pets. They do give me eggs, but mostly, they bring me joy. I love the way they run up to me. I love their clucks and noises. I love learning about what their noises mean. I love hearing stories from my mom about her chickens when she was growing up. I don’t have any mean chickens. They just make me smile… bring me joy.

My husband has run many marathons. I think he was up to 16 full marathons before we moved. For a while, he did two per year… one in May and one in October. As crazy as it sounds, it brought him joy. Much like my chickens bring me joy, running brought him joy.

Our oldest son loves fishing… joy. Our youngest son loves his cat… joy. A friend of mine loves sloths… joy. Another friend loves to clean… joy. Someone else’s “joy” doesn’t need to make sense to you. Whatever brings you JOY, do more of that. Love to paint? Do that. Does nature bring you joy? Go out for a walk. Love to bake? Make something for a college student and mail them a care package. Love books? Volunteer to read to kids.

We get caught up in being busy and think we don’t have time for joy. It should be one of the things we do every day. Every day we should chose joy. Don’t let time or schedules or weasels try to steal your joy away. Sneak it in… even a little bit of something that brings you joy can turn your day around. Our journeys aren’t meant to be boring or difficult or painful. Try to find room for a little joy.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find your “chickens” aka JOY, and don’t let anyone steal it!

The fine line…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Today is October 1st. Typically “Pinktober” reminds us of breast cancer awareness. When I was getting ready this morning, I wasn’t sure if I should wear pink. Do I wear pink all month long? I’ve done that before. Do I ignore it and go on with my day? It’s a fine line between hope and fear.

I wasn’t sure what I’d write about today. I had three other topics in mind, but all of these “pink” messages and memories popped up, so I took that as my sign. (Even though I likely lost many people once they saw the subject.) I’ve put away many of my warrior/survivor/pink shirts. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge it. Every day I have a reminder of what I went through. Do I wear pink for me? For you? For someone just diagnosed? Maybe all of the above.

I wear pink for me as a reminder of my strength. When we were cleaning the boys’ rooms this weekend, there was a shirt from a 5k we ran, supporting breast cancer research. It said “I run for ____” and “mom” was written in black sharpie in that blank. A lump formed in my throat and I just couldn’t get rid of it. Even though it no longer fit, I had to save it. Part of me wasn’t ready yet.

I wear pink for you. I wear it as a reminder to get checked. Have a yearly mammogram. Encourage others to do the same. The temporary pain is minimal. Don’t ignore something unusual. Don’t assume it can’t happen to you. Don’t put it off. You may think I’m annoying, but if it reminds someone to schedule their appointment, it’s worth it.

I wear pink for someone recently diagnosed. When I was diagnosed, I didn’t wear a giant sign that said “Hey, guess what? I just found out I have invasive ductal carcinoma.” I looked fine. I looked normal. I didn’t lose my hair. Someone else might be going through the same thing. Or their wife, friend, daughter or sister. I’m here with you. I support you. I wear pink for you.

I actually felt ill today. The thought of October brings anxiety that punches me in the gut. I think I’m fine, and then “wham.” Do I live in fear of recurrence or hope for good heath? The fine line. Today, I chose hope. I chose to make a change, to chose joy, to live my best life. I chose to support “Pink it Forward” – an organization who sends care packages to breast cancer patients. I chose to write about it because it’s a part of me. It doesn’t define me, but it shaped me in ways I wouldn’t have thought possible.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you have the courage to make the appointment. May you chose hope over fear in all aspects of your life. Life is short, enjoy the journey.

Change …

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Since the start of autumn/fall happened on the 23rd, I thought it was appropriate to talk about change. It’s not just the leaves in MN changing, many people I know are going through life changes too. It reminds me that we are all in different stages of our seasons. We might be letting go, or saying goodbye, or changing, or welcoming something new.

A friend with a new job and a move across the country…

A sister who dropped off her youngest daughter at college and is now an empty nester…

A family who laid their 12 year old son to rest after a battle with cancer…

A friend who holds a fundraiser in honor of his late wife, and helps others with financial burdens…

A friend who navigates the medical terms, the stress and the anxiety of a child with autism & epilepsy…

A husband who deals with the anniversary of the loss of his mother …

A niece who prepares to move away this winter…

A friend who reads the statistics of stage 4 metastatic breast cancer…

So many people are going through big changes or have significant reminders of big life changes. What do you do? What do you say? How can you help? We worry about saying the wrong thing. We hold back because we want to do the right thing. What’s worse than possibly saying the wrong thing? Silence. Nothingness. I remember being surprised when some friends of mine were silent during my cancer. A friend whose nephew died by suicide said the same thing – people leaving hurt the worst.

Friends, we all go through change. Some of it we didn’t ask for. It’s how we grow. It’s how we learn. It’s how we move forward. Sometimes the change is messy and hurtful and sometimes it’s exciting and wonderful. If you know of someone going through a change, you don’t need to fix it or make it better, you just need to be there for them. Let them know you care, however seems appropriate…Send them a card, support their fundraiser, let them cry on your shoulder, laugh with them, make them a care package, pray for them, cheer for them… just love them.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May the fall season remind us that letting go can be beautiful, and spring will come again.

Speak kindly…

On By journeyofenough2 Comments

After spending part of a Wednesday night in the ER with our oldest son, I have some thoughts to reflect upon. He had complained of chest pain/pressure before, but it always went away and wasn’t accompanied by other symptoms. That night, his face was red and his left arm bothered him. Hmmm, I’m not messing with heart issues, so we made a trip to the ER. I knew the walk-in wouldn’t have the ability to run the tests we needed, and we already met the insurance deductible after his brother’s skiing/broken leg this past winter. I could see the worry in his eyes… “What if I have a heart attack? I’m too young.” I tried not to convey the worry in mine. He’s had a couple of brushes with death, and I’m not ready for him to go.

The ER treated both of us with compassion. They explained what they were doing. They showed him his heart beats on the screen and how his flipped down and had some pauses. They turned the ultrasound screen towards him so he could see his heart and lungs. (“Want to see your liver? Here is your kidney!”) They showed him the EKG print out. They explained what the blood work was for and what the blood looked like (and that they normally draw a couple of extra in case the doctors request additional tests.) As they explained what an ectopic atrial rhythm is, I could see his fear lessen. As they talked about cardiology consults and possible next steps, I could see him relax. He was seen and heard, and not ignored.

I did get the question about why we waited so long to come in. Well, he had no other symptoms to go with it. Also, I don’t see him 24/7, so I don’t know how often this happened. The questions made me feel like a bad mom. It made me doubt myself. I had to focus on the fact that I did bring him in.

Thursday morning, I was very tired. I went to work as normal, but wasn’t very focused. Then we went to the regular Dr on Friday to get a referral. More questions, “Why didn’t you come in sooner?” It takes the wind out of me. It makes me feel less than as a mom. Then (at work) to get questions or hear comments about being gone for the appointment makes me feel less than as an employee.

Always speak kindly. Don’t assume you know the story.

The woman who looks tired? She may have stayed up all night worrying about her kids. She may have just a heard a diagnosis she can’t wrap her head around. She may have spent time in the hospital with her father. She might be wondering how to hold it all together. She may be struggling with infertility, too scared to share her story. She may feel the weight of financial burdens. She may be struggling with anxiety and depression, wondering why she can’t just be grateful. She may have had a tough conversation with her kids.

The woman who has missed a lot of work? She may be going to counseling. She may be taking her child to counseling. She may have gone to her doctor appointment, only to hear “try again next month.” She may be having radiation treatments that leave her so exhausted, but she shows back up to work anyway because she’s scared of losing her job. She may have a sick kid and have nobody else to watch him.

At one time in my life, these were my real scenarios. Not all at once, but sometimes more than one at a time. The list could go on and on. My point is, we all need to speak with more kindness & less judgement. More “how are you doing?” and less “where were you?” Truth be told, most of the time, I feel like I’m failing…Treading water and almost out of breath. It’s like a balancing act on a teeter totter while juggling – we all have our own version. If I spend more time at work, I feel like a bad mom. If I spend more time with my family, I feel like a bad employee. If I spend more time for myself, I feel like a bad spouse. Too many “hats” … too many roles… only one me.

I’m stretched thin, but I’m getting heavier. I know I’m not alone. I know there are other moms out there with the same balancing act. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to have a crappy day. I know one day I will sit in my empty house and wish for the busy that I have now. Until then, I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Speak kindly to others, you never know what burdens lie on their heart.

Do you have an internal crowing competition?

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Mid-May, we added 10 chickens to our farm. At the time, we weren’t sure if they were hens or roosters. We were still learning about chickens, but I knew I wanted to have some.

Fast forward to August, when two of our chickens started “cock-a-doodle-doing.” My husband wasn’t impressed & quickly offered to get rid of them (because he thought they would bother the neighbors). We live in the country and the state park is across the road from us, so we really only have one house close by. Turns out, we have 4 roosters. Two of them crow more than the others. In fact, they have a bit of a competition to see who can crow the most or the loudest (we aren’t sure which, they didn’t say.) We’ll see if the video works…

In this video, Cluck Norris starts out first. Teriyaki follows. The tan one is Cluck Norris. The brown one is Teriyaki (whom I’ve written about before… turns out is a “roo” and now likes that to be known to everyone.)

My chickens sure have taught me a lot of things. I’m thankful to have let them into our lives. I was talking with a mentor the other day and I said, “I feel like there are two parts to me: 1) Organized, planning, in control side 2) Creative, free, baking/painting/sewing side. They are kind of like my roosters, crowing in competition to see who gets noticed.” She said, “They are both sides of you. Both your organized and your creative sides make you unique.” Wow. I hadn’t thought of it that way before. Instead of one trait being better or worse, they both work together to make me who I am.

Sadly, we don’t need 4 roosters for 6 hens (we don’t really need any, but Col.Sanders and Hawk don’t crow). We are giving Cluck Norris and Teriyaki to a family who will let them free range on their farm. They will have new adventures ahead of them. I will miss their personalities, but I’m thankful for all they have taught me.

Cluck Norris

Teriyaki (first one to go for a walk with the chicken harness.)

I will miss the way they run over to the fence to see if I have treats. I will miss the strange clucks and noises they make. I’m interested to see if the two remaining Roos change in personality. Will any of the hens miss them? (Probably not, Ha Ha)

Do you have an internal crowing competition? Do you struggle with which side is better or worse? Which side can be seen and which one you feel like you need to hide? I encourage you to honor and embrace both sides. It makes you a unique individual. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May both sides of you crow with glee. Just don’t wake the neighbors up at 5am!

Like sands through the hourglass…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

How many of you said, “So are the Days of our Lives?” Ha ha. Yeah, I used to watch that soap opera. I think if I tuned in now, they would still have the same story line.

Tuesday marks the start of school in most MN towns. Usually the Tuesday after Labor Day, the unofficial end of summer. This year we will have a 7th grader and a junior. As we were making a quick trip back to Rollag, to the Western MN Steam Threshers Reunion, my husband said, “This will be less and less, you know.” (I pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about.) “This, the making memories stuff.” Yeah, I know. Like sands through the hourglass, it just goes faster and faster. Our job isn’t to keep them at home forever though. Our job is to prepare them to be on their own. They might not remember every camping trip or adventure we went on, but hopefully they will have a general sense of having a good childhood. And hopefully, they will be prepared to be independent adults.

We’ve been blessed with good kids. Not perfect kids, but good kids. They’ve made our job a little easier. We’ve still had plenty of roller coaster moments. Highs and lows that I’m not fully prepared to share (mainly because of the impact it may have on the boys.) Hopefully we’ve given them a foundation of faith and family. Hopefully they know that we will love them through it, whatever that may be. I’ll be their biggest cheerleader but will also give them “the mom look” if they’re being inappropriate. We just hope we’re not messing them up. Do all parents wonder this? Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s a common thing or if it’s just my over-active imagination. My boys probably don’t cook as much as they should or independently start laundry. They do fold clothes and mow and can build a campfire with some birch bark and a match.

If you have kids or grandkids heading back to school, say a prayer with me. “Dear Lord, please watch over our kids. Help them to be kind and patient. Help them to look out for others. Help them to listen and learn. Please be with the teachers and support staff as they try to guide and teach them. Keep them safe. Amen.”

Here we go, only one more “first day of school” picture with all three of these guys. Love you!

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Instead of wishing the time would slow down, let’s be thankful it’s still moving forward. We can do this!

Even hummingbirds need to rest…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

This window hummingbird feeder has been the source of much entertainment over the course of this summer. We knew these would work, because we had seen them at Itasca State Park. They have a restaurant in the park (because it’s so huge), and they have hummingbird feeders on the windows. They don’t need red nectar… they don’t even need a red feeder. We have a purple one in our back yard & it also attracts the tiny birds.

I used to assume hummingbirds didn’t sit still. I had heard that their wings are always moving. Not true. The one above was just sitting. We’ve seen it with others also. There are 4-5 that frequent our yard now. We have the window feeder in the front and two hanging feeders in the back.

This one was hovering above my rug, in the rain. (I also thought they didn’t fly in the rain… again, wrong)

This past weekend was full. I worked, drove to Minneapolis, met up with friends, went mini golfing at the Mall of America, went to Vikings game, went to MN state fair to see our son at the FFA Miracle of Birth building, half of us drove back home, half stayed for 4-H judging day. We didn’t do the farmers market since we already had planned to be out of town (and our beans are producing less). Some days I feel like the first hummingbird, barely sitting still for a moment… wondering if someone else is going to swoop in… Buzzing from fake flower to fake flower to real flower and back again. Even hummingbirds rest. I should observe nature a little more, maybe I’d learn something. It’s ok to rest.

I’m gonna type that part again, in case you weren’t paying attention… It’s OK to REST. Even God rested. Why do we think we have to buzz around all the time? “There is so much to do.” Yeah, I get it. I have a husband, two kids, 10 chickens, a cat, a full time job, a very busy “side” job of farmers market and a couple of direct sales things. I know busy. I value the buzzing and I feel super guilty if I rest. That doesn’t make me better than someone who rests. It doesn’t make me better than someone who knows when to stop. I did sit down tonight, but that didn’t stop my mind from racing…

We’re not doing the market Tuesday, so I don’t have to make the pies until Wednesday, after back to school night at two different schools. But we should pick beans for the lady who wanted 5 bags, even though it rained. Maybe tomorrow. Finish getting school supplies since that starts next week. Clean the house before baking and clean again before company comes. Get all of the laundry off the spare bed. Did I wash those sheets? I can’t remember. Find someone to take some roosters so I can keep the hens long enough to actually get eggs. When should we move the coop? Why do they always pick on Noodle (the smallest chicken). Water the new strawberries. Figure out how to maximize our growing area for next year. Did I send the email I was supposed to for work? What about the writing seminar next May. Yeah, I should do that. Dallas starts at the tech school. He’s a junior? When did that happen? When should we go out for anniversary supper? Maybe next week? Did I order dish soap? Finish making the beds – I need to do that. I really need to lose weight – again. Oh yeah, and it’s Monday night so I have to finish my blog post.

I realize it’s a long paragraph, but that’s just some of what was going through my head while I was “relaxing” for a few minutes. I’m guessing many of you do the same thing. Why do we feel guilty when we rest? Why do we skip our 15 minute breaks at work or work through lunch because we’re so busy? Why do we think we need to multi task, when all it does is give half of our attention to something that deserves all of it? I’d like to say I will try to do better this week, but you read all the stuff that’s going on, when am I going to do that? I need to delegate. I need to ask for help. I need to sit and have coffee and relax. Even the hummingbird relaxes after a jolt of sugar water. I should be able to relax after a cup of caffeine. Juggling it all can get exhausting. I hear ya. Keeping mental track of where every item is in your house, just in case someone needs it can be a mental drain. Add on the multiple “to do” lists and schedules and variables. Ugh. I wish I had some solid advice to insert here. LOL. I don’t. Just know there is at least one momma swimming up stream with you. If you are resting while you read this, you’re a step ahead. Hopefully you weren’t thinking of your grocery list in the middle.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you find some rest this week. Even for a moment. Close your eyes and breathe deep. Really deep. And if you need me, I’ll be covered in flour Wednesday night, but I’m sure I’ll be up late. I’ll say a prayer for you too. We’re in this together.

Don’t assume…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

You know what they say about “assume”? Yep, it makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” That might be a little harsh for this story, but you get the idea – we shouldn’t assume anything.

Recently, we started taking our produce and baked goods to the local Farmers Market. For three years, we’ve worked our land, expanded our growing area and learned new techniques. We knew we wanted to do this. We knew it was our plan, and we had the land for it. It doesn’t come right away though. It takes time. Something that’s difficult for kids to understand… waiting. Our boys grumbled at the work involved but they helped anyway. Our first garden here in MN was eaten by rabbits and deer. Then the 6″ fence went up… no more deer. Part of the land used to be a road. Part of the land used to be a burn pit. It’s all been transformed. It’s grown and expanded, mostly by hand. Weeds removed, fences and planters put up. Slowly it started to take shape. This year we were finally ready to make it happen.

When we did our first market, I assumed that the lack of interest from the boys would carry forward. The youngest can be a bit of a complainer and procrastinator. I assumed he wouldn’t like it. I should know better. Don’t assume. He counted every cucumber and Krispie treat. He wrote down every sale. He talked with other vendors about growing techniques and types of plants and varieties of beans and cucumbers. He became our inventory control person. And he saw that we sold stuff… the fruits of our labor. He paid attention to what other vendors brought and what was popular. I assumed my teenage son wouldn’t be interested in this venture. I was wrong.

How many times do we assume something about others without giving them a chance? Do you assume you know someone else’s story or struggle? Do you ever stereotype your kids and not give them a chance to expand themselves? Do you ever do that with yourself? Do you ever assume you’ll be bad at something so you don’t even try? Do you ever assume that it’s not worth the risk, so why put yourself out there? I sure have.

  • I assume nobody would pay me to write, so I write a blog each week, for free.
  • I assume nobody would want to hear me speak & tell my story, so I don’t even try.
  • I assume people won’t find me interesting, so I don’t attempt to make new friends.
  • I assume people will judge my house, so I don’t have much company.
  • I assume I’ll just end up at this same weight, so I stop trying to diet.

The list could go on, but you get the idea. When we assume, we aren’t even giving them/us a chance. We figure we already know how the story will end, so we don’t even start. What if we did the thing we’ve always wanted to do? What if we took the leap, wrote the book, talked to the new person, or invited someone new to coffee? What if we opened our hearts?

We assume we know our own story and we already know the ending. God’s not done with us though. His plans are greater than ours. He made us each with a special purpose. Our soul knows what we are supposed to do. That thing that lights you up and makes you smile? Yeah, that. Often times we think we know better. We assume we are in control and we already have it figured out. But what if there was more? What if we allowed abundance and joy and prosperity in, instead of assuming we weren’t worthy? Wow. Amazing things could happen… things we haven’t even dreamed of yet.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May your only assumptions be positive ones…imagine the possibilities!

Do you feel like you’re just hanging on?

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

There are some milkweed plants in our back yard. They are actually in our plantings amongst the flowers. They’re not supposed to be there. Most people would pull it out. I wanted it left in. I know milkweed is an important part of Monarch butterflies’ habitat. I counted 15 caterpillars the other day. They are all different sizes and stages. The one in the picture is about the size of my little finger. They will eat up all of the leaves and drop many droppings. They haven’t created their cocoons or chrysalis yet. They aren’t yet butterflies, but I know they will be.

Are you at a stage in your life where you feel like you’re upside down like this caterpillar? Or, would you rather stay in a cocoon and not break out into the world? Maybe you’re not sure you will ever be a butterfly? Sometimes we don’t know there was someone who created a sanctuary or a safe place for us… there was someone who didn’t pick the weed we are living on. The caterpillar might not yet realize they will be flying in a few weeks. Their world will expand outside this lonely plant. They will soar through the air.

This little caterpillar isn’t comparing itself to the larger one. It will grow in time, and will become the same size butterfly when it’s done. As I sit in my cluttered living room, surrounded by 4-h fair projects and Farmer’s market signs & materials, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. It’s easy to compare my house to my friend’s homes (that look like they are from a magazine). I feel like I’ve gone through the caterpillar and butterfly stages more than once. I remember the cocoon days where it felt impossible to get out of bed. I’ve felt on top of the world, soaring above the trees…. and I’ve felt upside down on a stationary leaf.

Some days it might feel like you’re just barely holding on. Hold on anyway. Your butterfly days may be just around the corner. All of that “messy” may turn into something beautiful. Look around you at all of the miracles in nature. I encourage you to stop and say thank you. Thank you for our messes that turn us into butterflies. Thank you for our cocoons to protect us in the transition. Thank you for our friends to fly with us.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.… whether you’re in the caterpillar or butterfly stage of your life, hold on. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s. It’s uniquely your own, and completely beautiful. You are loved.