Tag: #hopeful

Good news and donuts…

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I’ve transitioned almost everything after our move… new dentist, orthodontist, new church, new doctor, new place to change the oil and find cheap bread (different places). One thing that I’ve held out on is my oncologist. I can’t bring myself to change that one just yet. There’s a reason why we are reluctant to change – it’s safe and comfortable and predictable to stay with what you know. Even with all of the changes that I’ve gone through in the last year, this is one that I’m waiting a little longer to change. So, for now, I will drive back to Fargo every 6 months to meet with my oncologist. 

Leading up to the appointment, we were on a family trip, so my mind was pre occupied with vacation stuff. I did find myself being “short” with my family, but I didn’t make the connection- appointment was coming up and I was anxious. It’s been more than 2 years since I rang the bell signifying the end of my cancer, but the what ifs are hard to push out of my mind. What if I missed something in a self exam? What if there is a different cancer somewhere else? I tried to quiet my mind on the drive to Fargo and stopped for a quick cappuccino Heath Blizzard before my appointment. 

Breathe…

I checked in to the front desk at the cancer center. Every time I’m there, I’m one of the youngest people there. I also look healthy, aside from being a little overweight… I don’t fit in. I wonder about everyone’s story. We all have a story. The grey haired couple argued about which direction to go. The lady in a wheelchair wanted her leg adjusted. The lady with a walker and a scarf on her head looked for a place to sit. All different stories with a common thread… cancer. I didn’t have to wait long before the nurse called my name. I stepped on the scale and walked back to the exam room.

Breathe…

Vitals and verbal updates, then wait for the Doctor. While I waited, I thought back to that first appointment with him, when they had to re-do my blood pressure because it was off the charts. I didn’t have to wait too long before he came in. I had nothing new to report, but he would check things over just to be sure. I got the all clear – stat on the same “anti-cancer” meds and see him again in 6 months. I can have my 3D mammograms and MRI done in Alexandria.  

Wheew! BIG breath.

As I left the clinic, I found my way down to Broadway and just had to stop for donuts. I wish I didn’t tie food to celebrating, but I do. Good news called for good donuts. Maybe someone will start a trend of celebration carrots, but until then… peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you be blessed with good news and donuts! 

Free to grow…

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School is starting for our North Dakota friends, and before we know it, we will have our new “back to school pictures” too. This photo was from 5 years ago. 5 years. Myles was just going into Kindergarten and Dallas was going into 4th grade. Sometimes when I look at my boys, this is what I see. I’m guessing that my parents still see a blonde 5 year old with curly pigtails. I imagine it’s similar for other parents… you see a growing son or daughter before you, but your mind jumps back to years ago. Those little hands that just wanted you to hold them, those big backpacks on their little bodies, those smiles – eager with anticipation for a new school year. 

I often hear people say, “I wish I could keep them this age forever.” I get the idea behind it, but it also makes me think of those parents that don’t get to see their kids grow – they are taken from them all too soon, and they are “frozen in time.” They won’t get to experience life with them beyond that point. That picture is the last one they will take. There won’t be totes of school papers, pictures from the big game or prom or weddings. I know that may seem harsh, but there are families in this area dealing with that this year. There are families everywhere dealing with it. 

So, while we soak up the last few days of summer and get ready for back-to-school nights, let’s remember to be thankful. Be thankful that your kids are free to grow. Be thankful for their busy schedules and noisy friends and games. Be thankful that they’ve grown out of their new clothes already. Just stop and breathe it all in. Soak it up like a sponge and thank God for another year with them. Think of those parents who won’t get to experience this. (Maybe have coffee with them or just give them a hug). 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough & may God grant you growing kids. 

Sometimes you get an answer you weren’t expecting…

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Last Saturday, I spent the day at the Northwestern Christian Writers Conference  in Minneapolis. I had signed up several months ago, feeling led or drawn to do this. Then the week before the conference, doubt set in… “Why on earth did you sign up for this?!” “What were you thinking?!” “You’re not a good enough writer to go to a conference!” “What do you really want to get out of this?!” “You’re not Christian enough- you only have a few verses memorized.” You get the idea. I asked a friend what I should do – should I still go? I’m not even sure what I want from it. Her advice was great… “Go. Soak it all in. Leave behind any doubts and just see where it leads you.” 

So I did.

Me and several hundred other people. I was amazed at the number of people in the auditorium for the opening message. I looked around and saw a wide variety of people. I had come alone, but some people there clearly knew each other. Some made new friends with whoever was sitting next to them. I grabbed a coffee and almond bread (which was super delicious- like poppyseed but with almonds) and tried to blend in. I felt like this should be a safe place. It’s a Christian writers conference… everyone should be nice, right? The opening message was good. There was a worship band who sang upbeat music to get us all inspired. Then we had break out sessions – groups of 100 or less got together in separate rooms to lean about specific topics. There were people there with varying writing styles, platforms and goals –  children’s books, novels, greeting card writer, bloggers etc. you few the idea. 

It was a roller coaster day. Intimidating. Uplifting. Intriguing. That was all before lunch. Then I had a one on one appointment with an actual published writer. We had 10 minutes in the cafeteria. The bell went off and your 10 minutes started. You got a warning bell at 9 minutes and then another bell at 10 minutes – switch. I didn’t even know what I wanted to ask. I was flustered & insecure. She asked about what I write and I told her. She talked about “branding” and “marketing” and how my blog name was too vague and I needed to be more consistent with my writing. And she didn’t smile. Not once. She almost looked past me when she talked. Unemotional. Unimpressed. I could feel all of my excitement getting sucked out of my soul and stepped on. Then the words all flooded back in to fill that void – “See, you shouldn’t have come.” “What were you thinking?” I almost left early, but I didn’t. I found the courage to stay. 

Then another break out session. This one was the one I needed. While waiting in the classroom for the session to start, a gal sat by me. She was confident and bubbly. “I love your hair!”, she said with an enthusiastic smile. “Is it naturally red & naturally curly??”, she asked with intrigue. “Naturally curly, artificially red,” I said quietly, returning the smile. She asked what kind of writing I do (which was appropriate, given the fact that we were at a writers conference). I told her that I’m kind of a blogger. “Kind of?!”, she said with the same energy as before. “Girlfriend, you are a blogger! You own it!” I thanked her and told her a little bit of my story. She told me some of hers. Then the session began.

“If something doesn’t feel right, then it’s not the right time. God’s timing is different than ours. You will know when the time is right to move forward or take the next step.” This was the part that I took away from the session. This is what I needed to hear. I was led to the conference to get a feel for what I’d experience if I advanced my writing. But those things aren’t what I want. I don’t want a brand name or a marketing department or critics or a schedule & deadline. I just want to write… for me, for you, when I’m inspired. And I grinned. 

It’s ok to not advance this further. It’s ok to have only 20 or so people read what I write.  It’s ok. It’s enough. Maybe someday things will change. Maybe I will write a newspaper article or be a guest blogger or write a book. But if it doesn’t happen, that’s ok too. 

I hope that you feel direction in your life. What are you called to do? If you don’t feel it, are you listening for it? Are you paying attention? Sometimes it takes a while to get the answer we are looking for. Sometimes we end up following a whole new path. We are here for such a short time. Enjoy the journey!

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. (And yes, I’m keeping the name & not yet changing it to something more generic or searchable… because I can)

Have a friend who thinks you are enough…

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Change is hard. It’s scary. It’s also not impossible. It’s been 6 months since we moved … half of a calendar year has gone by in a new state, new city, new schools, new jobs, new churches, new Dr’s. We are still adjusting but we are also doing fine. More people were worried about my kids than my husband and I. “It must be hard to move at that age.” “I can’t believe you changed schools during the school year.” You get the idea – I must have ruined their lives. Only, I didn’t.

Kids are way more resilient than we give them credit for. Yes, we moved our kids. But we also love and support them, we feed and clothe them and take them places. They aren’t abused, neglected, dealing with alcoholic parents or wondering where their next meal will come from. Many of their classmates are. We just don’t see or talk about it as much. Kids are also more easy going (sometimes). They may be more open to learning about “the new kid.” The boys still miss their friends deeply, but they are also making new friends. Much easier than the adults are. Making new friends as an adult is harder, in my opinion.

I don’t have anything to compare it to. We moved to Kindred when I was 1. I graduated from high school in the same town. I even moved back for a period of time. I didn’t have much change of scenery. I wasn’t forced to adapt. That’s not a bad thing – it was comfortable and secure. It was safe.

Making friends as an adult is hard for me. I’ve become even more introverted than before. I fear rejection & judgement. It’s scary and doesn’t feel safe. I am admittedly hard to know. I have a small circle of close friends, but those are ones that I would do anything for. I am very thankful for them. I became friends with Jessie when we were neighbors. I offered some baby clothes to my pregnant neighbor, and somehow we clicked. Similar values, love to bake, both introverted. We would go on walks around our neighborhood & talk for hours. We’d lose track of time while we put on miles. We’d have monthly group suppers (with enough food to feed many) Then she moved. Just 15 miles, but it was so hard. Would we stay friends? Would we still see each other? I mourned the loss of my best friend & walking partner…The person who didn’t care if my house was messy or not. She accepted me for me. The real me was enough for her. Fast forward many years…We stayed friends and are still close, even though I’m farther away. It just takes more planning to get together in person. She knows that if she texts me at 11:30pm, that I’m sleeping but I will reply to her at 6am when I get up. Our kids have grown up together and act more like cousins or brothers and sisters than just friends.

Friendship are hard, but they are possible. I may meet some new people, but I will always cherish the friends in my circle. I know people who are making some big life moves, and the thought of leaving their friends is hard. My advice is this: “you will make time for what/whom is important to you.” Peace be with you on your journey and may you always has a friend who believes you are enough. (Because you ARE!)

4 more years…(not political)

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With it being Inauguration Day, you might have thought politics were the topic of the blog today. I will refrain from political posts because I don’t think my opinion will change your mind. This isn’t about politics. My oldest son has a birthday coming up. He will be 14. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I only have 4 more years! 4 years from now he will be 18 and will be figuring out his next path in life. Wasn’t it yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital? So tiny in the big car seat?! Wasn’t it yesterday that he was farming and put a toy fence around baby Myles to make sure that he wouldn’t escape? Wasn’t it yesterday when he lost his first tooth, had his first day at preschool or learned to ride bike?

The picture above is his baby hat and one of his tiny socks (crayon for size reference.) Now, he is taller than me. He’s becoming such a neat young man. I get to drive them both to school in the morning. Yes, they could take the bus, but I really treasure our time together. Just a quick start to the day may turn into talks about school or ice fishing or the status of the home sale. I also take him to confirmation on Wednesday nights. They do it a little different here. There is a small service and then the kids break out into 2 groups and the adults talk about the Bible verse and our highs/lows. Anyone who knows me, knows that small talk with strangers makes me uncomfortable. It’s way way outside my comfort zone. Why did I agree to take him? Why didn’t I just drop him off and come back later? Example. I want to show him how important this is, and I want to show him that it’s ok to go outside of your comfort zone. I realize now that my mom did the same thing for me. Maybe 30 yrs from now, he will get to do the same for his kids. I’ve always been content to sit in the back and blend in. I’d quietly volunteer but not get too involved. I felt led to this place, and we happen to have a familiar pastor. Perhaps there are greater things at work here. In fact, I know there is. I just need to be open to it.

Some days, my journey of enough leaves me feeling like the sands of time are slipping through my fingers. Some days, my journey makes me feel like I should have done more as a mom. And then, some days, I get a hug out of the blue and a peek into my teen’s life. And in those moments, I feel enough. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

The rest of the story…

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sunset lake

Some people don’t care for Facebook and others love it. The ones who dislike it usually do because they feel it’s “fake” or “too negative” or just not real. I understand that, but I happen to like it. I like to feel connected to my relatives and friends by seeing pictures of them. I slide past the ones that have too much drama or differing views and linger more on the pictures of family adventures or positive quotes. I “like” a bunch of positive quote sites or ones that are scripture based. It’s my way of letting in those reminders or nudges that I need just when I need them. Some days those posts are so meaningful and hit home so much that they make me teary (that happens more now than before.)

Yet with each smiling photo, there is a back story. Paul Harvey was frequently on in our family vehicle while I was young. His segment was “the rest of the story…” and would talk about the back story or give more info on what the headlines were talking about. I thought of that the other day when one of my favorite pictures of the boys popped up in my Facebook Memories. It’s of them at sunset standing by a lake. It’s a gorgeous picture. The “rest of the story” is that there were 10,000 mosquitos by the lake that night at dusk. The kids were getting eaten alive and they all tried to stay still long enough to get that photo then race back to the campground. I love the picture because I love the water and the lake and those 3 men in the photo. It also is a good reminder that things aren’t always as they seem. That mom that posted her smiling kids at the zoo… she might have just lost her cool before that about ice cream or them fighting about what animal they were going to see next. The photo of the runner who finished the marathon… his body is hurting more than you can tell, his toes are bloody and parts of his body are chafing that he’d rather not talk about. The person who has gained weight but took pictures anyway… maybe they are on medication that has caused it or 100 other reasons why. That doesn’t mean that we should stop sharing the photos. It just means that we should take them for what they are and not assume we know the back story.

We do that to people a lot. (At least I’m guiltier of it than I’d like to admit.) We assume we know “the rest of the story…”  We assume that the person in the meeting was just crabby. We don’t know that they just learned that a friend of theirs had passed away. We assume the clerk at the store is having a bad day. We don’t know that this is their second job just to make ends meet. We assume the kid at school is naughty. We don’t know that he’s unsure of when he will eat again over the weekend, and fearful of what will happen to him or his siblings. We THINK we know the rest of the story but we don’t. We should just reach out to people more and care more. Me included. When I post pictures of our family this coming week in Duluth, you wouldn’t know the back story (except I’m telling you now. You wouldn’t know that my Oncology follow up is Wednesday and this was a good distraction to make me think about the Dr. less and of my family more. You might not know that the recent loss of friends unexpectedly has made me want to embrace life. You might not be aware that we know our 13 year old might not think a “Tall Ship Festival” with his family will be cool in 3 years, so we are going now while it is.  We assume. You know what that does. (There is a saying that goes along with that – if you’re not sure, Google it) It leads us to either assume the best or the worst depending on what type of person we are. It makes us judge others when the judging is not ours to do.

My challenge to you is this… keep sharing pictures of your family, dog, cat, kids, and friends – whatever. Just don’t assume you know the rest of the story when you see someone else’s pictures, unless you’ve walked in their shoes. Even then, those shoes might be a different size. Share some love. Help people along their journey of enough – that good karma will come back to help you someday also. Peace be with you.

Plans…

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Planning… It’s kind of what I do. I mean literally, as a job, I’m a production planner. It carries over into my personal life too. My husband isn’t a planner, so that’s one of my roles in this relationship. I plan the birthday parties, family trips, what people are going to wear for holidays etc. (I’m bad at planning supper but I honestly don’t know too many people who love that role.)

 As a result of my love for planning, my kids have grown to expect that I will have a plan. This past year has changed me in more ways than one. MY plans kind of went out the window. You see, cancer was not part of my plan. It was part of God’s plan for me. I wasn’t super excited about his plan, but it shaped me into a bit of a different person. Aside from the physical changes, I also changed my level of “control.” Part of the great thing about planning is that you’re in control of the outcome (most of the time.) Giving up that control means that you don’t know what will happen next. Kinda scary, right?! It’s ok – just take baby steps.

My personal life planning decreased because I was just focused on getting through treatment, getting through the next step, and the next, etc. Many times in the last year, my boys have said “what’s the plan?” My answer was, “I don’t know.” This frequently is met with confused looks – what do you mean you don’t know?! Mom always knows the plan. Well, this past year has helped me to trust more in God’s plan. I know he’s not done with me yet. Part of his plan for me was to learn let go of control and trust. He knew I wouldn’t have slowed down enough after the hysterectomy, so he “blessed” me with a broken foot to force the slow down. Ok, I get it, sometimes I’m a slow learner. I’m also still learning that it’s ok to not have a plan sometimes & things will still turn out.

Ironically, I’m telling you about how good I am of letting go of planning while I am planning a family reunion for 100 people. Ok, I didn’t say I completely gave it up, I said I was getting better. I still have a job in planning so I can’t give it up completely. So, there will be lists and spreadsheets with details about the party… but without it, we might not all get together. And that’s another thing this last year has taught me – family is important & you never know how long you have to enjoy them. And I know that our reunion weekend will be wonderful & filled with lots of love and laughter. We have some pretty cool angels watching over us, and they’ll be wondering what games we will be playing & betting on who will win at Whist.

My point is, to God, we are enough. We are a part of His plan. While it might not always make sense in the moment, sometimes we can see the meaning after it’s all over with. I think I could write a book on “oh, that’s what that was for” type moments. But that’s another subject. For now,trust His plans for you. You are enough to the God of the universe – how cool is that?!!

Prodigal 

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  Ok, I know I jump around between cancer, survivor stuff, family issues and faith… I’m kind of like a dog after a squirrel some days. Today, I’m sharing some thoughts on a recent scripture reading. Stay with me…

The story of the Prodigal son was one of my least favorite Bible stories. It always made me uncomfortable. Why does the son who does nothing & squandered his father’s money get accepted back like a hero? It annoyed me, and went against the “hard work will reap rewards” idea. Regardless of how many times I heard the sermon related to this passage, I still never got the meaning behind it.

Then a new song came on Christian radio – “Prodigal.” It’s a catchy tune, but more importantly, it made me think of it in a very different way. “Wherever you are, whatever you did, it’s a page in your book but it isn’t the end. Your father will meet you with arms open wide, this is where your heart belongs. Come running like a prodigal.” Ok, in all of the years that I’ve heard this story, I’ve never thought of myself as a prodigal and God as the father in the story. It somehow clicked because of this song – WE are the ones off doing our own thing, and God will run to us when we are ready to come “home.” Yes?! 

Unconditional love – whenever you’re ready, He will be waiting with arms open wide. Wow, how cool is that?! Do you ever feel so messed up in your day, frustrated by little things, constrained by your past that you think you’re not “enough?” (Obviously I do since that’s the name of the blog.) How comforting is it to know that we are accepted for how we are, messy and all? Wheew. We are lucky. To God, we are enough. We were His idea & he smiles like a proud, happy father when we decide to come running back home. 

I’m not sure what compelled me to post this, but I’m guessing that someone needed to hear this message. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.