Tag: #hope

Traveled down the road and back again…

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Sorry I missed last week. Ironically, I didn’t write because I was learning more about writing. I’m taking a class in the evening and learning about writing copy. It’s been a while since I’ve taken a class with homework, but I finished my first assignment. I also got caught up on the lessons last weekend. I have great respect for people who go back to school (after many years) while working and still doing all of the other life things. It’s certainly not easy. It has sparked my creativity and excitement for something new. Anyway, that’s the long version of why I didn’t write here last week.

I was thinking a lot about friendship this past weekend also. Isn’t it interesting how we become friends as adults? Kids just go up to someone and start playing a game or give them a cool rock… that’s their new friend. Adults try to find someone they have a lot in common with. Maybe we meet online or through a mutual friend. Maybe we meet at a community event or our kids are in the same activity. Maybe we are neighbors or meet at a retreat. There are so many options, but the next step is also varied. Do you just visit at the common event or do you speak outside of that venue also? Do you text, call or follow on social media? How often should you communicate? What’s appropriate to share? When do you consider yourself friends?

I’ve had friends come and go. It’s not always easy to part ways. Sometimes it’s a move to a different city or a different job that changes your friendship. Sometimes it’s a different opinion or even a loss of that common bond. I’ve thought I was someone’s friend before, but they made it clear that I was just a client or just an employee. Sometimes it’s hard to accept if you’re not the one initiating the separation. I’ve heard someone say, “bless and release them,” and I try to remember this when I feel bad. People come in and out of our lives for various reason. It may be for friendship, for learning what we do (or don’t) like, or even for creating a connection with someone else. It’s interesting how many different communities we can be a part of all at one time. As I go through my certification course and learn more about writing and publishing, I will likely meet some new “friends,” and inherently we will have at least one thing in common – writing. I’m excited to see what connections form as a result. Even thought I am not super outgoing, I am welcoming this opportunity. It’s a good time for me to take these classes since my evenings aren’t yet spent outside. It’s also a step outside of my comfort zone.

Soon, the snow will melt and the garden will be ready to plant. Just as we plant the seeds for the garden, we can plant seeds for friendships and connections. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Thank you for being a friend.

If you give a mom a mission….

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You’ve probably seen or read the books “If you Give a Pig a Pancake,” or “If You Give a Moose a Muffin,” by Laura Numeroff. There are at least 9 books with a similar theme. They are super cute and catchy. This past weekend they kept going through my mind. Why would I be thinking of random children’s books? Taxes. I was supposed to be doing taxes.

Since we have a side business, Frueh Market, and I am also a Norwex consultant on the side, our taxes are a little more complicated than they used to be. The idea of it being overwhelming prompts a kind of avoidance feeling… I want to do anything but that task. So here is my Saturday/Sunday version of “If you give a mom a mission…”

If you give a mom a mission (doing taxes), she will want to make sure she does a great job. Since taxes are overwhelming, she will look for some cocoa to drink while she does this task. When she goes to get the cocoa, she notices that some corn syrup spilled on the lazy Susan. She will see that it has made other things sticky, so she takes everything off the shelf. She finds some things she no longer needs, and some things that have expired, so she starts to throw what she doesn’t need. She sees the sugar container, and that reminds her that she has some red M&M’s left. She decides to make some cookies with them. Since the sugar was on the other shelf, she decided to clean off that shelf also. While she is cleaning off the other shelf, she sees cocoa powder, which reminds her she came into the kitchen to get cocoa. The cocoa will make her think of spices, so she will decide to clean her spice cabinet also. While she is in the spice cabinet, she sees some Italian seasoning which reminds her that she has a large Italian seasoning in the other lazy Susan. She will start to combine spices, and will see the red pepper flakes. The red pepper flakes will remind her of her chickens. So, she will go give water and treats to her chickens. Her chickens will remind her of the farm and the fact that she needs to do her taxes. While she is looking for some receipts, she will find some papers she no longer needs. She will decide to go through the stack of papers and burn what she doesn’t need. As she is throwing papers, she will notice her carpet needs to be vacuumed. She will vacuum her office and decide she needs to vacuum the bedroom also. In order to vacuum the bedroom, she will need to clean some things off the floor. While she is picking things up off the floor, she will remember she was going to put away some Christmas sweaters. Christmas sweaters will make her think of giving, which will make her think of donations, which will make her think of taxes.

On and on it went throughout the weekend. Tuesday night, I completed most of the tax prep and finalized it today. In the meantime, I got 4 shelves of Lazy Susan cleaned, the spice cabinet, my office, carpets, silverware drawer, medicine cabinets, closet and more. Some of these things I’ve held onto for too many years. It was a relief to get rid of some clutter, donate things, and do some pre-spring cleaning! If you came to my house now, you wouldn’t know I cleaned, but I could give you a cookie.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. And, if you want to get some projects done, tell yourself you’re going to do taxes!

It’s free…

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A very small number of people know that I had a bit of a scare in the last week or so. There was a red spot and some pain on my right side. Although I had my mammogram in January, it wasn’t going away and I don’t really want to take chances. They only do ultrasounds certain days in my town so I had to wait a week. I contemplated canceling the appointment because it was getting a little better, but I decided to go anyway.

The ultrasound tech was so kind. She complimented my shoes and talked about how she was thinking of getting a pair. She asked about my hair, if it was naturally curly. She talked about her friend’s curly hair and how she wished she had curly hair. She noticed my Valentine nails & we talked about those for a bit. She put me at ease. Kindness is free. She could have just done the ultrasound & sent me on my way. Instead, she validated my concerns, saw me as a person, not just another patient, and complimented three things about me. She asked several times if I was warm enough. She sat with me while we waited for the scan to be read in Fargo.

The scan showed it was ok…Probably just a skin blemish. She said the only “wrong” thing to do is to ignore changes. She walked me out and told me to have a great day. The sun is shining, I still had some money on a Starbucks gift card and I now have a clean bill of health. Life is good. Kindness is free. We should sprinkle it around a little more freely. Share some joy with someone!

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You know your own body the best. Advocate for yourself and do not feel bad about doing so.

Be fabulous…

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This fabulous, tutu wearing, glitter crowned, dancing chicken hangs in my office. It’s a card I got for my birthday. It makes me smile and reminds me that we can all be fabulous. She reminds me of my chicken, Sesame. Yes, my chickens have worn tutus. In fact, there is a video of them running around with tutus and I was laughing so hard while filming that I literally almost fell to the ground in the woods.

How often do you underestimate yourself? How many times do you avoid something new because it’s scary? Fear of failure or rejection, imposter syndrome, lack of self confidence… all those things try to keep us small. We wonder if we are enough. We may miss out on life.

Our youngest son has a You Tube show “The Unspecified Show.” He started it last year when he was 15. He has adjusted and improved and now he has added a podcast (Be Unspecified Podcast). At 16, he’s more brave than many adults. He took a chance, and he’s fabulous. He has learned new skills, advocated for himself, met with businesses, had a float in the parade, is working on an adopt a highway section, and has grown his audience. I am so proud of him.

He has inspired me to reach further myself. I am working on self-publishing a book and starting a another project also. It’s going to be fabulous. I’m going to learn, grow and meet new people. Is it scary? Yep, yes it is. I don’t want to be left with “what if’s.” Life is short, make it great!

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Have a fabulous day!

Everybody sleeps…

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My cat was happy to be a “sleep model.” It’s something he excels at. Growing up in the 70’s/80’s, Sesame Street was frequently on after school. I can still remember the song, “Everybody Sleeps.” I feel like it was supposed to encourage kids by letting them know that sleep was good and normal and everyone had to sleep, even animals.

About a week ago, I started feeling crummy (fever, sore throat & cough.) I could hardly get out of bed. I slept all of the next day, was weak and had no appetite. Assuming it was influenza, but wanting to be sure, my husband took me to the clinic. A lovely nose swab later, I learned I had Covid. This is the first time I’ve had it throughout the pandemic (that I’m aware of.) I was pretty miserable for a few days, then mainly tired with lingering cough. For some reason, the “Everybody Sleeps” song went through my head a lot. Maybe it was a way of telling myself it was OK to rest. I kind of felt like a caterpillar in a messy cocoon. The days blurred together amidst dreams and thoughts. Most of this week I’ve been moving in slow motion. I’m feeling much better now and I’m glad to have more energy.

The illness forced me to ask for help, to say no to things I wanted to do, and to just rest. Everybody sleeps, but everybody gets sick or has struggles too. Sometimes we forget there are more things that we have in common than things that divide us. If you’re going through a caterpillar time, allow yourself some rest. It’s ok to pause. I only wish I slept as soundly as my cat.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

No more math

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This is the year I turn 50. Don’t bake a cake yet, it’s not until November. This is also the year I won’t have to do math to figure out how old I am. Not that my age comes up a lot, but if I’m filling out a form and it asks for my age, I always have to do the math. Not this year! I’m 49 until the end of November and then I’m 50.

I remember when 50 seemed “old.” I’m not sure what I thought I’d be doing at 50. Six year old me would have been a vet or worked at a zoo by now. Sixteen year old me would be an artist. Nineteen year old me would be a physical therapist who acts in a local theater. Twenty five year old me just wanted to be a mom more than anything. I don’t have a fancy job, have a big title or own a big business (I don’t think our farm counts). I am a loving wife, mom, sister, daughter and friend with a bunch of random dreams and a job that supports our family.

If you’ve followed along, or know me in person, you know I’m a list maker, a planner. I often have spreadsheets for planning work and personal things. Yes, there was a spreadsheet for our recent trip to Houston. Mainly because the plan changed and my memory isn’t as good. I wanted to make sure we saw and did the things I had looked into with some extra time for “random things.” I’ve been thinking of making a “to do” list for my 50th year. I probably won’t do a big party. It’s not my thing and quite frankly, I think only a handful of people would show up and that would bum me out. So, I think I’m going to set my intentions for this year. I’m going to make this my luckiest year yet.

Some people don’t celebrate birthdays. I’d be willing to bet, if you asked most cancer survivors, they would say they do. Another trip around the sun is nothing to take for granted. Not everyone is given the opportunity to be here 50 years. I’m thankful.

I’m a little scared about listing them because of fear of failure. What if I don’t do the things? In the spirit of stepping outside my comfort zone, I’ll share a few. Not to brag, but to dream out loud and welcome these great things into my life. (In no particular order):

  • I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. This year will be the year I make it happen. (Feel free to send me tips on this, keeping in mind a budget for 4.)
  • I’m going to dust off my treadmill and at least walk most days. When it’s not snowy or the air doesn’t hurt my face, I’ll walk outside.
  • I will spent time in nature daily. Yes, the chickens are included with this!
  • I will create again by sewing or painting. I will continue writing and will expand my reach. I will get paid for my writing.
  • I will declutter, starting with my closet. I’ll keep only the things that make me feel great (either they are comfy or make me feel pretty.)
  • I am welcoming financial abundance this year. I can’t wait to see what this year will bring.
  • My A1C (diabetes) will be within normal range. I will reach my goal weight.

I’m sure there will be more to add. It’s not really a “New Year’s resolution,” it feels bigger than that. And more impactful… like a stretch goal I actually want to do. I understand the concept of stretch goals at work, but it always made me feel like, “your goal isn’t good enough, so list this crazy stretch goal that you’re unlikely to achieve so we can set you up for failure.”

I’m going to make a calendar reminder to look back at this post the end of December & see how the year went. I know it will be filled with wedding events for my niece, many birthdays and trips and a lot of changes. Good things are in store. Dream big, friends.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Cheers to a year with less birthday math!

RSD…

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(Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. I’m just speaking from my own experience)

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) isn’t a medical diagnosis, but a symptom associated with ADHD. I wouldn’t have ever found out about it, but I’ve researched more about ADHD since our oldest son’s diagnosis. I knew ADHD probably applied to my husband, but I didn’t think it applied to me until I learned about RSD. Once I read about it, a lightbulb went off and I felt understood.

Perhaps I wasn’t crazy every time I “overreacted” to rejection. I vividly remember being rejected by friends in high school. I cried and felt like an utter failure when I got a bad review for teaching a class. I panicked, fearing I’d be fired after I failed a test for a professional certification. When a friend stopped talking to me, I was convinced I had done something wrong. I often don’t start a task because I’m afraid of not doing it perfectly. It’s also probably one of the reasons I avoid crowds because I don’t want to feel rejected. Each week when I write, I worry about it not being good enough. Hence my journey of enough.

Web MD describes it as follows:

“Dysphoria” comes from a Greek word that means “hard to bear.” People who have RSD don’t handle rejection well. They get very upset if they think someone has shunned or criticized them, even if that’s not the case. Up to 99% of teens and adults with ADHD are more sensitive than usual to rejection. And nearly 1 in 3 say it’s the hardest part of living with ADHD. People who have the condition sometimes work hard to make everyone like and admire them. Or they might stop trying and stay out of any situation where they might get hurt. This social withdrawal can look like social phobia, which is a serious fear of being embarrassed in public.

Telling someone with depression to cheer up does not work. Telling someone with anxiety to calm down doesn’t work. Telling someone with RSD to get over it doesn’t work either. I don’t know much about it yet and I have not been formally diagnosed. I just know that it resonated with me so much. The feelings seem more intense for me than it does for most people. For me, awareness is a good step. Now it’s just to determine the next step. (Keep in mind that sharing this is pretty vulnerable & opening myself up for rejection)

I’m wishing you peace on your journey of enough. May 2023 be all you hoped for.

Cat, dog, snowstorm & solstice…

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Not being able to plan is difficult for this planner. The pic is of my cat on his “cattop,” which is a regular laptop size and lightly heated cat laptop. He loves it. He is not a fan of the dog though. Our oldest son (& his dog) drove home from MT early to get ahead of the winter storm. It is supposed to hit almost all of the upper Midwest Wednesday through Saturday. The cat is used to being the only pet aside from the chickens. He has had to adjust his routine. Plans had to change… work adjustments made for our son, flights changed for other family members, and meal changes (we are probably not grilling in a blizzard).

This time of year can be wonderful, but it can also be stressful. We try to plan a wonderful, magical Christmas & holiday break. We rush trying to find the right gift, plan a great meal or make everyone’s favorite treat. This year, on the winter solstice, we have winter storm warnings, blizzard warnings & wind chill warnings. Estimated 5-10” of snow, 30-50 mph winds and -30 to -45 wind chills add another layer of holiday stress. We are having remote school on Thursday. My nephews have a large number of cattle and are trying to keep them all fed, warm and alive. They had three feet of snow last week. We could make a list of issues or struggles, but this year we are especially thankful for family.

When asked what I wanted for Christmas, I said I wanted experiences instead of things. I want to spend time with family, I want to travel safely and make memories. I want to frost sugar cookies and play Bunco. I want to share holiday treats to spread joy (& also so I eat fewer goodies.) I want to take some deep breaths and smile.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough this holiday season. May your time be filled with family, friends and food. Safe travels for those traveling. Wishing peace to those missing loved ones this year too. I’m likely taking next week off from writing as I soak up some family time and cheesy holiday movies. Happy Holidays!

Journey through time…

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Time is a funny thing. Some days it seems to creep along, and other times you wake up and realized years have passed by. That’s where I’m at this week. Eleven years ago, I ran my first half marathon in Las Vegas. After watching Cameron run a bunch of full marathons (26.2 miles), I thought I’d try the half marathon (13.1 miles). It was a “Rock & Roll” marathon at night on the Vegas strip. It was around the same time as the National Finals Rodeo, so we did a multipurpose trip. It was a memorable experience for sure. I finished the race, with Cameron pacing me and keeping my spirits up. Navigating the stairs of the rodeo arena the next day was a bit of a challenge. We had a fun time.

8 years ago this week, I heard the diagnosis of breast cancer. I’m sure there are some people that get annoyed when I bring it up. But, I was 41 and I want people to be aware that it can happen at younger ages, and to be advocates for their own health. 8 years ago I didn’t know where I would be. I hoped I’d be cured and healthy. I didn’t think I’d be in Minnesota. I am healthy and doing well. The diabetes diagnosis isn’t related to cancer (more related to gestational diabetes & genetics).

7 years ago, we went back to Vegas and we were able to go to the “Tough Enough to Wear Pink” night at the rodeo. It was an emotional experience to be there as a survivor. I felt guilt for taking a trip, but I was an important part of the healing journey. The guilt is something I’ve wrestled with for 7 years. It’s time to let that go. Because my cancer came in December, and I was healthy before that, we had to pay out of pocket for November & December appointments/procedures to meet our deductible, and then start all over again in January. It was more than we could handle financially, and we needed some help. The school put on a fundraiser for us to help with medical bills. I knew there would be people who judged us for taking a trip the same year we needed financial help. I need to let go of that guilt. They don’t know the full story. Have you heard the saying, “what people think of you is not your concern?” This applies here.

So, this week especially, I’m setting down that guilt. I’m blessing and releasing the fear, shame and anxiety that filled me up for so long. I am putting it down and walking the other way. I’m moving forward in good health and in joy, knowing I am enough. You are too. You don’t need to explain your life or your choices. You need to be happy. I honestly hope you are.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. This time of year we see many signs about peace. I hope you find it. Don’t let the outside expectations steal your joy. You deserve joy, not because of what you do, but because you are here to experience love.

Circus, hamster wheel and mind tornadoes…

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I recently learned that not everyone has a dialogue going constantly in their head. Not everyone has overlapping stories, memories, to-do lists, replays of conversations, future conversations, “what ifs” & “could have dones.” I wonder what that’s like. Maybe it’s because I’m a writer, empath or have undiagnosed ADHD… but it’s a circus up in my head. It’s like if you took the movie Inside Out and had them all taking at once. Even when I try to meditate, my grocery list pops in my head, or the thing I should have/or shouldn’t have said either yesterday or 30 years ago. Pause. Breathe. Relax. Let go.

I think it’s one of the reasons why I rarely see people while shopping. If I’m at the grocery store, I’m doing a mental scan of my kitchen. What did I forget? Do we have enough cream soup? Did I remember the apples? Is there enough yogurt for lunch? On top of the other stuff that races through, it’s especially “busy” while shopping. I’m less present to what’s going on around me. I don’t see the people around me, so I often don’t even know that someone I know is in the same store. When my husband does the shopping, he gets what is on the list and that’s it. He doesn’t wonder if we have enough of this or that. He doesn’t think of what meals we will have this week, what’s in the fridge and what we need for the freezer. I love him dearly, but he just doesn’t think that way. He gets what’s on the list and he leaves.

I’m sure you’ve seen articles before on how “many women are exhausted.” Those of us with this mental gymnastics competition are even more exhausted. We want nothing more than to turn our brain down, hit a pause button or have someone else take care of some of these things. Yet we probably stink at asking! Several of us are addicted to social media because we try to zone out and slow the hamster wheel in our heads. We say we are “fine” when people ask how we are doing, but many of us are hanging on by a thread. We don’t want to complain, seem needy or weak, so we keep it to ourselves.

If you’re like me, I encourage you to write it down. Whether or not you read it again isn’t really the point, (unless it’s a grocery list then maybe make a separate list.) I need to do more of this – writing it down to stop it from spinning around in my head. If I write it down with pen on a paper, my mind breathes a little sigh of relief, “Oh, ok. I don’t have to keep that thought spinning up here and try to remember.” Several of these things we don’t really need to remember anyway. Maybe if we (and myself included) start this practice (back) up in December, we can have a more peaceful holiday.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May your mind tornado be slowed to a gentle breeze, and may you find peace this holiday season. Oh, and if you see me, but I seem oblivious, go ahead and say “hi,” I’d love to visit, I was just thinking about peanut butter.