Tag: #faith

Friday the 13th…

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It’s Friday the 13th. This is my black cat. Did you worry about this day? Were you anticipating the bad things that would happen? If you were planning on the day being bad or full of mishaps you were probably right. If you hadn’t noticed what day it was, or weren’t worried about what would happen, you were also probably right.

I’m learning about the power of thoughts… the background noise in our heads (Some is louder than others). What does your background noise sound like? Is it positive or negative. Whatever it is, it will shape your day. Do you plan on something going wrong? Then it’s likely it will. Do you look for the silver lining? Then it’s likely you will find it. “Thoughts become things.” I’m not sure who said it originally, but my boss said it recently & it really stuck. The saying, along with several classes I’m taking and groups I am a part of – has me shifting my thoughts. My black cat isn’t bad luck. The 13th day of the month doesn’t make it worse, regardless of the day it falls on in the week. Each day we have a choice to make… will it be a good day or a bad day? Some things are out of our control, but our reactions are within our control. If lots of things seem to be going wrong, search for the good. Find one thing, even a small thing & be thankful for that. The next day, try to find two positive things.

I wish you luck on your journey of enough, but mostly I wish you peace and happiness. I wish for you to experience joy and gratitude. Once you do, I hope you will share the good with others… share a smile, a word of encouragement, a compliment. You may be their “one thing” that they are thankful for today.

Embracing 3 years…

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Some people will ignore this as “just another cancer anniversary post, but it’s more than that. 3 years ago today, I rang the bell as a cancer survivor. I still carry the card with me from the cancer center:

“Ring this bell Three times well Its toll to clearly say, My treatment’s done This course is run And I am on my way.”

I brought my family with me that day. I almost didn’t. I was tired from the radiation & hadn’t thought about “bothering them” to come and be with me. Bothering. How often do we not let others help us or let them in because we don’t want to bother them? Way too often. 3 years ago, I almost stood there by myself because I didn’t want to be a bother. I already had way too much attention on me. I already felt bad about so much time being spent on me. So many times throughout my cancer treatments, I didn’t want to be a bother. I didn’t want to ask for help with meals or call someone just to talk about “normal life” or let someone clean my house.

We do this regardless if we have cancer or not. We don’t think that we are worth someone’s time. We are wrong. My mom would have loved it if I bothered her more to help me or to just listen. My friend would have felt useful if I would have bothered her more to bring a meal or just visit over coffee. We need to realize that we are not a bother or a waste of time. We are worthy. The worth needs to come from within. You need to believe it first. Once you do, you can let people in. Sure, that can be scary… there is usually a fear of rejection. But what if they say “yes” and they would love to help/listen/visit/clean? They will feel great for being there for you & you will feel great because some burden has been lifted from your shoulders.

In honor of my 3 year anniversary, I invite you to write down all of the ways you think you are a bother. Write them on a piece of paper. Then shred the paper or (safely) burn it. Do NOT hold onto it. Get rid of that – let it go. Then fill yourself up with something good, something you enjoy. I wish you peace on your journey. You are not alone, you are not a bother, and you ARE enough!

Learn from the bad, remember the good…

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99 what??

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

99 problems?

Nope. My grandma would have been 99 on Easter. She was an April Fool’s baby. Her birthday was always easy for me to remember. This picture was taken 5 years ago. (It’s a little blurry but you get the idea) My son was 6 at the time. He could make her smile like nobody else could. He would visit with her and wasn’t scared of older people like some kids are. She passed away at 95. I can’t even imagine all of the change she saw in her lifetime. She lived through the depression. She raised 10 kids. She didn’t lead an easy life, but it was full. One thing I will always remember is how much my grandparents loved each other. They would hold hands, giggle/laugh and have fun. They loved to dance when they were able, before arthritis made it difficult for grandma to walk. They played cards together and with friends. It wasn’t that they never fought, but they must have forgiven… found a way to come together despite their differences. It’s the kind of relationship I’ve wanted to emulate. Maybe it’s part of the reason I married my husband- I’d always be sure to laugh.

I don’t know all of the details of their bad times. I don’t know about the depression of the 30’s and 40’s, shortages of food or money, or what it’s like to lose a child. I feel like both of my grandparents would say, “Learn from the bad times, but remember the good times.” They weren’t negative people. They didn’t dwell on the crummy stuff in the past. They learned from those experiences, but I feel like they remembered the good instead of the struggles.

Same goes for the memories of them. I feel like they would want the good times to come to mind first… the big family gatherings, the laughter, the food shared, the games and the fun. Sometimes I find myself dwelling in the past. I feel guilty for yelling at my 3 yr old (12 years ago!), or regret words said or things I did in high school (even longer ago!!) I need to honor those things as a part of what shaped my story, but it’s not my current story. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move forward.

We recently went on a “spring break” trip to learn about making maple syrup and then to Nashville, Memphis & Bowling Green. Will my kids remember every detail from the trip? No. I hope they have a general memory that it was a fun trip, including the Grand Ole Opry, the Bass Pyramid & the Corvette Museum. They (hopefully) won’t remember the argument about Algebra before hand or any of the other small things along the way. Hopefully, they will learn from the Algebra struggles but remember the trip.

We are all too hard on ourselves. We carry around the baggage of the past, unwilling to set it down and hand it over because we’ve gotten comfortable with it. It’s ok to set it down. It’s ok to write a new chapter to your story. This is your journey- make the most of it. When you lay down the baggage of the past, you make more room for great new experiences.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you always learn from the bad, but remember the good!!

Eraser tip that makes you hold your breath…

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An eraser tip. You know what I’m talking about. It’s usually perched on the top of a #2 pencil. But why hold your breath? Are you taking a test? Kind of…

As a cancer survivor, self checks are important but scary. A few weeks ago, I felt a lump on my left side. This was the side I had cancer on, had a lumpectomy & radiation. I thought maybe it was my imagination… maybe it wasn’t new. Maybe it was scar tissue. Maybe if I don’t think about it or talk about it, it won’t happen. If thoughts become things, I don’t want this to be either. So I told nobody. Not one person. I knew my oncology follow up was coming up soon, so I’d have it checked then.

Breathe…

My appointment was on a Friday afternoon. It works out well because I miss less work and the parking is way better also. I assured everyone it was a routine check up and it wouldn’t take long. When I mentioned the lump to the Dr, his face turned serious. He knew that an eraser tip could change my life again. He could feel the lump I was talking about & immediately called to see if they could get an ultrasound done yet that same day (Friday afternoon, what are the odds?). Odds or spirit or God or good vibes- something was working because I got in right away. It was 4:30 by the time I got up there. I knew the routine, but I still felt like I was holding my breath.

Breathe…

Cold ultrasound gel goes on. “Oh, this spot here?”… yep – not my imagination. “It’s probably nothing.” Forgive me for not believing you, but I’ve heard that before (I said in my head). She went to talk to the Dr. Then the Dr came in to look for herself. She pointed the screen towards me and explained what she was seeing… normal tissue, muscle & the lump… it was just a fatty tissue. Nothing to worry about.

Breathe…

Routine breast MRI was coming due soon also. I asked if I could have it done here to save me a trip. Sure enough, they could get me in the following Thursday. Excellent! Again, supposed to be routine, but this would see deeper & clearer and be confirmation of how good things are. This MRI room had headphones so you could hear music along with the loud noises of the machine. Nice. For this MRI, you lay on your stomach… arms above your head, chest through two holes in the bottom & you go in head first. It takes about 30-40 min. My mind drifted and raced and calmed.

Breathe…

I was back to work by 9:30am. Excellent. Now to wait. I was surprised to see the Sanford number show up as a missed call and voice mail at 11am. Ugh. Voice mail? They don’t call that quick and not with good news. I called back. “Your MRI was all clear.” 5 words that made me feel like cheering. Wheew.

Breathe…

In 6 months, I’ll have a mammogram again, but until then, I can breathe. I may never look at an eraser the same way again though. One thing I’m learning is to stop and breathe. On your journey of enough may you take the time to breathe deeply. Whatever you’re going through, stop and take a good deep breath. You’re alive, you’re here, and you are enough. Exhale.

International Women’s Day

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Yesterday, these flowers arrived on my desk. A random act of kindness from my best friend. While some people may see a beautiful spring bouquet, I see support. I see an invisible bond, unbroken by 112 mile distance. I see a friend who would give me a hug if she was physically here. I see reassurance that I’m not alone. I see acknowledgement that some days, this “Mom” thing can be hard… but together we are stronger.

I didn’t do anything special for International Women’s Day. It was a pretty normal Thursday for me. One difference was that these flowers greeted me this morning… a reminder that I’m in someone else’s thoughts (& actual prayers). What if we supported each other more as women? What if we compared less and complimented more? What if we were accepted just as we are? What if we cheered each other on more? I feel like there is such a struggle to prove ourselves as being enough…. but not too much! Be assertive, but not too bossy. Be kind, but not too soft. Be smart, but not too much of a “know it all.” Be a successful businesswoman, but still a good mom.

I’ve joined a few online groups in the past year- the members are mainly women. While some days I feel like sharing with them, other times I feel not enough. Not because of anything they’ve said – it’s in my head. All of the “what if’s” that are really ridiculous worries – that likely are lies- come flooding into my head. Part of it is breaking out of my introvert shell & letting people in. Do you know what I mean? It’s scary. It’s unfamiliar…. but, it’s possible. Good things can come from this too. I’ve met some amazing people. It will take a while before I randomly send them flowers, but maybe I should. It could likely make their day – or at least make them smile (every time they see them).

Whatever you chose to do on this day, I hope you will remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH. Each and every day. Show up for yourself, be kind to yourself & spread that kind kindness to others. Peace be with you today.

Why are you here?

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If you’ve ever used the “Yelp” app, it’s pretty handy. We use it a lot when we travel, to find places to eat. There are reviews from customers & usually some details about hours, price, menu etc. When we went to St.Louis at the end of last summer, we used it to find IMO’s pizza. We took a break from our BBQ coma and tried something different. It was a small little pizza joint in a strip mall, but there were a few of them around the city. We ordered a couple of different kinds so we could try them out. (This was my first experience eating eggs on pizza)

We must have asked some silly questions & we obviously had an accent compared to St. Louis, so the ladies asked us where we were from. When we said MN, they all looked shocked. “Why are you HERE??!,” said one of them with a confused look on her face. We told them that we had gotten some cheap airline tickets and had never been here before, so we thought, “What the heck?” They thought it was so cool that we were from that far away & asked a few questions about the Midwest.

Why did we take a random trip to St.Louis? Because I want my kids to know that their world can be bigger than 1 or 2 states. I remember growing up in ND and several of my classmates had never been to the state capital city of Bismarck (3 hrs away). When our family would take trips, they were usually small day trips around the state. Because we had cattle and sheep (& they like to eat every day), our choices were limited. I went on several trips for school or 4-h as I got older. I’ve never been to any place too extravagant, but I still enjoy the experience of traveling. I want my kids to have those experiences too. Lately, it seems they would rather have a snowmobile instead of a trip, but they still enjoy the trips. Those memories and experiences are something they will always carry with them. So, we will go on another random trip to Nashville for spring break. Instead of going somewhere tropical, we’re going to Nashville. Why? We’ve never been there, the flights were cheap… so, why not?! Maybe someone in Nashville will ask us why we are there.

Whatever journey you’re on, take some time for something new. If you have kids, go places with them. Go to a state park or learn how to make maple syrup or take a random trip to Nashville. While they may not remember specifics 10 yrs later, they will remember that you went… and that will be enough.

1 and 8 A+

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1 in 8 women get breast cancer. I’m one of them. 3 years ago today, I found out that I wouldn’t need chemo for my breast cancer treatment. There was an 8% chance of it returning based on the tests that were done. Doing chemo would reduce that by 1%. The risk didn’t outweigh the benefits so they strongly suggested no chemo. I remember being relieved and excited but also cautious. One friend had said to me, “wouldn’t you feel horrible if you didn’t do chemo and it returned?” That stuck in the back of my mind, but I had to look at the numbers. I recently tried to Google what 1% chances there were but that didn’t come up with easy results. I’m my head, I thought I’d have a 1% chance of pretty much anything else happening to me, so it didn’t seem worth the risk.

Today, on this “anniversary” of sorts, I gave blood. I’m A+ blood type. I didn’t correlate the dates when I made the appointment, but I think it’s cool. A (+) positive thing to do that could make a big difference to someone I’ll never meet. There is a lot of negative going on, so if you’re able to donate blood – do something positive. It takes less than an hour of your time & could make a surgery go smoother or an ER visit a life saving one.

Peace be with you today, with whatever is going on in your journey. You’ve been equipped for whatever it is. I hope you know that you are loved, and you are enough.

Just show up…

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I spent part of Friday at a funeral. My uncle passed away, so I drove down to the funeral. I wasn’t the only one. There are 10 kids on my mom’s side, and 8 of the 9 living siblings showed up for the funeral. The one who couldn’t make it felt very bad, but they weren’t able to change travel plans. My mom’s sister passed away several years ago with breast cancer. It was her husband who passed recently after a stroke. As our family filled the fireside lounge, I looked around at how many aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids had made the trip to pay their respects. But mostly, they wanted to be there for my cousins. Although they are adults with kids of their own, I imagine it’s still difficult to lose a parent. This is something that has always struck me as special about this family – and I doubt many of them give it a second thought… they show up. They show up for weddings and funerals, graduations and parties. They show up for each other without thinking it’s a big deal. But it is. Especially to the people they show up for.

I think people get hung up on the right thing to say or do, when sometimes we just need to show up. A hug or a smile or a kind word goes a long way. It doesn’t need to be a grand gesture. They just need to know that someone cares. Regardless of what you do, it will be enough if you show up.

A few years ago, we had a family reunion on this side. There are around 100 of us, and that’s just the “immediate family.” We laughed and played games and ate & drank too much, and we were there for each other. I like to think that my kids learn more about family when this huge group is together. They learn how to be close even when miles separate them. They learn how to pick up where they left off. They learn how to play cards and laugh until you cry. Another reunion is in the works, and I’m honored to be planning it.

My aunt who passed was a neat lady. Red hair and a soft smile, she was also a planner. She was the glue that brought the family together. She planned events and parties but she really knew how to make people feel special. In the small North Dakota town where my grandparents lived, there used to be a Dairy Queen. I remember my aunt taking me there for a treat. Mostly, she made me feel seen, important & special. I was probably a pre teen at the time. That memory stuck with me. When someone compares me to her, I am extremely honored. I felt her presence at the funeral. I pictured her sitting next to me in the empty chair, and she was grinning. She was so glad her family had come together to honor her husband. She was glad they showed up.

So, I hope this will remind you that however you decide to show up, it will be enough. Visit the person who is lonely. Bring a meal to someone who is struggling. Just show up. Don’t worry about it being a big enough gesture. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you know that God can dwell within you, and when we show up for each other, we are sharing that love.

PS- this beautiful necklace was given to me by my thoughtful niece… my saying and my birthstone. I’m so thankful.

Now there is math…

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3 years ago, it was a Tuesday (& not just a random Tuesday)… my life was changing. I was getting ready to have lumpectomy surgery the next day. My thoughts were consumed with cancer treatment and recovery (& bills and how to manage time off from work). I remember thinking that I would always feel the impact of cancer, but also wanting to fight it & get rid of it. I remember certain strange things and not others. Now, I have to do math to remember how long it’s been. Someday, it will be 10 years ago, then 20. The date of the surgery is easy to remember because it’s my sister’s birthday. I’m pretty sure she used her birthday wish on me that year (thanks, Marla!)

I know I have written about it each year, but in case you don’t feel like going back through my blog posts and CaringBridge sites, I’ll give you some highlights. My surgery was early on a Wednesday morning. I wore my pink fuzzy pajama top with buttons & brought my pink boxing gloves and my biggest cheerleader (my husband). He wore his camel T-shirt that said “Hump Day.” It made several people laugh & some people roll their eyes. I remember having to have the wire guided procedure with not enough pain killer. I remember laughing so hard with Cameron in the waiting room that I thought we’d get kicked out. I remember the long ride to the surgery room & how cold it was in there. I remember waking up groggy, bandaged and with a dry mouth. I remember puking in the elevator. I remember seeing Cam and my sister, Marie. (Since she’s a nurse, she gets to come along & interpret medical stuff for most of us. Plus she’s a prayer warrior & generally an awesome person.) I remember telling Cam that I wanted to “bust out of the hospital,” which made him laugh – given the recent surgery. 😉 After keeping some crackers down and proving I could pee on my own, I was released.

No driving for a week, drink lots of water, check the two surgery sites, keep ahead of the pain… I remember those directions. I think I mainly used Advil & Tylenol because I’m not a fan of painkillers. It felt like the world around me was going fast and I was in slow motion. My boys were 12 & 8. Sometimes I forget how hard that must have been on them… how scary to have your mom go through cancer when you’re that young. I tried to be extra tough for them, so they would know that I was going to be OK. Sometimes I forget how hard it was on my husband, my sisters, my parents… there isn’t much they could do to make me better. But they were there for me and supported me.

I met with a breast cancer survivor shortly after I was done with radiation. She told me that eventually, you won’t think about it every day. Eventually normal will return. She was right. Now I have to do math to remember how long it’s been. I’m beyond thankful for all I’ve learned over the last 3 years. I’m thankful for feeling the power of prayer. I’m thankful for my voice – to be my own advocate for my health. I’m thankful for this journey, because through it all, I’m learning that I am enough. Just as I am. Always. You are too!

You never know what will stick…

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9 years ago, my nephew (& husband) took my oldest son ice fishing. Cameron was convinced that if Dallas was out in the cold, not catching fish, that the experience would make him not want to ice fish again & he’d be off the hook (so to speak) for future requests. But that’s not what happened. Within minutes of their ice fishing expedition, Dallas caught a Northern almost as big as he was (he was 5yrs old). The smile on his face says it all. He was hooked!! He told me that it must be a world record. To him, it was. He has loved fishing of all kinds and has spent many hours in ice houses over the past year.

You never know what will “stick”… what things your kids will end up loving. They don’t come with a manual or instruction guide. You both learn as you go. Each kid is different. Just because one loves something doesn’t mean the other will. Dallas loves fishing but Myles only likes it if he’s catching. Dallas would sit in a boat or an ice house for hours on end (and has) & Myles would rather play in the snow or sand, play with sticks or hunt for frogs. Myles even made his own “pole” out of a stick, some line and a hook and called it The Fish Stick. He actually caught fish with it more than once.

I’m certainly not an expert in children, but I think it’s important to give them a variety of experiences to see what sticks. They won’t know what they love if they don’t get to try a bunch of things. Myles recently started guitar lessons. He’s not really into sports, partially because he’s just not competitive. He loves guitar. The smile on his face when he learned to play was like Dallas catching his big Northern. He loves to draw and create things. Dallas is into all things outdoors and hunting. If he said he was going to live in a cabin in the woods when he grows up, I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

As adults, we aren’t too old to try something new either. Maybe it’s a painting class or archery or yoga or snowshoeing… you might just find your new favorite thing. It’s easy for us to get stuck in a rut… to repeat our days because it’s comfortable & safe. But, what if you tried something new (food or activity). You might just find something that sticks, or you might open up ideas for someone else. So, I challenge you to try something new or expose your kids to something new. Peace be with you on your journey of enough & I hope you find your new favorite thing!