Tag: #faith

Multiplicity

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On a very cold North Dakota January day, I went to my very last OB appointment for our first baby. There was a storm predicted for the weekend and my doctor wanted to make sure I didn’t have to deliver at home. It was a Thursday. He said I was close enough and he could induce me to get the labor started. If I remember correctly, I was induced that afternoon – for some reason, 4:30 sticks in my mind, but my husband probably remembers better than I do.

The first baby is a big deal. We had been waiting and hoping and praying for this for years. We also didn’t know what to expect. The info they tell you ahead of time is silly.

  • Have a birth plan
  • Bring some music
  • Bring some card games along to pass time
  • Maybe these work for some people, but I certainly didn’t listen to music or feel like playing cards. As the wind howled outside, we counted contractions and nurses came in and out of the room to check on the progress. We weren’t planning on staying up all night. We didn’t know what to expect. Some people are in labor for days, and others just for a few hours. We had the TV on, hoping it would keep Cameron awake enough for the labor. There weren’t as many options back then. The movie that was on was “Multiplicity” from 1996.

    • If you haven’t seen it… Doug, played by Michael Keaton, is overwhelmed by life and had the opportunity to clone himself. The clone can go to work and he can do stuff around the house and with his family. Then he makes another clone because he still doesn’t have enough time or enough of him to go around. While he is gone, the clones make a copy of a clone – so now there are 4. The “copy of the copy” isn’t as helpful but adds to the comedy part of it.

    The movie was on again at the time of our son’s 16th birthday. All 4 of us watched it together. As we sat there, my husband grinned, “remember where we were 16 years ago?” Yes, yes I do. The boys thought the movie was funny. My husband thought this was also pretty good material for my blog. We all feel stretched thin at times… wishing we could be more places, do more things, relax more, or volunteer more. It seems like it won’t ever be enough. I think we need to be better about picking our “yes” to other people. I get that there are some things at work that you need to do & saying “no” might not be an option. I saw Rachel Hollis speak in Alexandria and one of her points was, “If it isn’t a hell yes, then it’s a NO.”

    We get scared to say no. We like to be so busy. We stretch ourselves thin and end up doing something we don’t love. What if we said no? We might not need to multiply ourselves if we allowed some “no’s.” I know we need people to volunteer, but some people really do like it. It might be their hell yes. As Rachel said, if we say yes to something we don’t really want to do, we end up resentful when we have to do it. We bring a negative energy with us.

    Just for this week, what if you didn’t need to multiply yourself? What if you were enough just as you are? Give it a try. I will too. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. (& maybe you can check out “Multiplicity” on Netflix.

    Through all of it…

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    I had a completely different post written for this week, but then Monday happened. Along with it being the birthday of one of my sisters, January 28th has another special meaning to me. It was the day (4 years ago) I heard, “Your cancer is gone.” All day Monday, my throat was tight and whenever I found myself thinking back 4 years to my cancer journey, I realized I was holding my breath.

    4 years ago, I waked into Sanford hospital in Fargo for my lumpectomy surgery with my pink pj shirt and my pink boxing gloves. 4 years ago, my husband wore his “Hump Day” shirt (because it was a Wednesday.) 4 years ago, friends, family and strangers all prayed for the best outcome. 4 years ago, teachers and friends held my sons and calmed their fears. 4 years ago, my mom and dad held their breath. 4 years ago, a tumor almost 1/2″ and 4 lymph nodes were removed. 4 years ago, I felt like a survivor.

    There is a contemporary Christian song from Colton Dixon called “Through all of it.” I heard it Monday and I almost stopped the car. It is how I felt. Life’s been a journey. I’ve seen joy, I’ve seen regret. You have been my God through all of it.

    Here are some more of the lyrics:

    There are days I’ve taken more than I can give
    And there are choices that I made
    That I wouldn’t make again
    I’ve had my share of laughter
    Of tears and troubled times
    This is has been the story of my life
    I have won
    and I have lost
    I got it right sometimes
    But sometimes I did not
    Life’s been a journey
    I’ve seen joy, I’ve seen regret
    Oh and You have been my God
    Through all of it
    You were there when it all came down on me
    When I was blinded by my fear
    And I struggled to believe
    But in those unclear moments
    You were the one keeping me strong
    This is how my story’s always gone
    I have won
    and I have lost
    I got it right sometimes
    But sometimes I did not
    Life’s been a journey
    I’ve seen joy, I’ve seen regret
    Oh and You have been my God
    Through all of it
    I’ve written about it before, but if you’ve ever had a group of people praying for you, it’s something you can actually feel. I can’t describe it enough to do it justice. It feels like peace. It feels like being held. It feels like you are placed in a marshmallow cloud. God doesn’t promise us a life free from troubles. He does promise to be with us through all of it. He places the right people in our paths to help us. He gives us the experiences so we may help others.
    Would I wish cancer on anyone? Nope. Am I glad God was with me through all of it? Yep, yes I am. My journey isn’t finished. Is my cancer gone? Yes, it is. My side effects and doctor appointments and risks are not gone. Those will last several more years. Two of my aunts had cancer return after the 5 & 10 year mark, so I won’t let my guard down… but not from a place of fear. I will keep my appointments. I will be aware of any changes I see or feel. I will honor my body by improving my health.
    I wish you peace on your journey of enough. I hope God is with you through all of it.

    Holy Rabies!

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    What?! The cat got rabies? Nope. There is a back story….

    If you have kids or grandkids (or you just like animated movies), you know what movie this is from. In 2012, a movie called Hotel Transylvania came out. It looked like a cute movie – Dracula’s daughter turns 118, which is like turning 18 in real life, and she is wanting to explore the world. Her father doesn’t want her to go – he wants to keep her safe. He instills fear in her – that the humans are just out to hurt her, so she stays at Hotel Transylvania and doesn’t venture out.

    As we were watching the movie, Dracula called his daughter by name – Mavis. “What did he say?” I have a unique name. It’s an older name, but still not that common. I don’t hear my name in a crowd. I don’t have to go by my full name because there is another “Mavis.” I rarely meet someone else named Mavis either. My dad often assumed I didn’t like my name, but it’s not true. I kind of like being unique. The only thing that bothered me growing up, was not being able to find cool trinkets with my name on them. I couldn’t just go to Claire’s in the mall and get a Mavis bracelet like some of my friends could. So, imagine my surprise when there was an actual character named Mavis. So strange!

    I was shopping the clearance aisles at my local Target last week, when I spotted Mavis’ on clearance! “Holy Rabies!” (It’s the thing Mavis in the movie says instead of “holy cow” or “holy smokes.”)

    3 different “Mavis'”?! Wow!! I still haven’t decided if I’ll open one and display it or what I’ll do. I think I will bring one to work and leave 2 in boxes. (For sure the one that has Mavis’ name on it should stay in the box.)

    Sometimes I feel like Dracula – wanting to keep my kids safe… wanting to protect them. Sometimes I think back to when I was their age and how I felt like the Mavis in the movie – ready to explore! Our fears can be like Dracula too- trying to keep us small… telling us lies to try and keep us from experiencing new thing. Our heads, like I talked about last week, try to keep us safe. Our hearts are like Mavis – wanting to adventure to Hawaii. I’m not saying that being safe is a bad thing. When it comes at the cost of missing out on life though? Then I think it’s sad. Not many people, at the end of their life will say, “I’m so glad I didn’t try new things.” Since it’s still January, you can make a list of one new thing you want to try this year (something that will not cause harm to you or anyone else.)

    I wish you peace on your journey of enough, but I also wish you adventures and experiences. I hope you have something so exciting, it makes you shout- “Holy Rabies!!”

    All in…

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    There is a song by Matthew West called “All In.” This is the first part:

    My feet are frozen on this middle ground. The water’s warm here, but the fire’s gone out.

    I played it safe for so long the passion left
    Turns out safe is just another word for regret

    So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
    We’re all dying to live but we’re all scared to death
    And this is the part where my head tells my heart
    You should turn back around but there’s no turning back now

    I’m going all in. Headfirst into the deep end. I hear You calling, and this time the fear won’t win. I’m going, I’m going all in.

    The song is talking about your faith in God – how it feels safe to stay where you are… in the middle ground. If you go to church, do you go just to be seen, or are you the hands & feet of God? Routine and comfort are familiar, but the fire has gone out. Where is the excitement? Sometimes our head tries to keep us in the routine and tries to stifle our hearts. Whenever our hearts try to lead, our heads try to stop us.

    • That’s silly.
    • That’s not practical.
    • That won’t work.
    • Don’t follow your heart.
    • Don’t talk to someone new.
    • Don’t take that risk.

    Our heads would like our world to remain small. Our heads would like us to stay safe. The song says “safe is just another word for regret.” At the affirmation & intentions class I went to in Saturday, “All in” was my phrase for 2019. We didn’t do New Years resolutions, but we did have words or phrases to focus on. This is the year I start my book. This is the year we will harvest and sell our fruits and vegetables. This is the year I will write consistently. This is the year I will be “All in.” All in with my family, my faith, my work, my farm, my writing & my love of life.

    I hope you have someone who challenges you to move off the “safe middle ground.” Life is meant to be experienced & not just tolerated. Have some fun, try something new or complete something you started long ago. I wish you peace along your journey & maybe you’ll listen to this catchy tune. Don’t let fear win. May you be “All in” on your journey of enough.

    And the world didn’t stop…

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    This is my Christmas tree. Yes, it’s January and I haven’t taken it down yet. Some of the ornaments are in a box, but most are still on the tree. We traveled a lot over the holidays, but we were home some too. I had all weekend to take it down. Too many excuses… my head hurt, we went ice fishing, we watched movies as a family. My tree is still up and the world didn’t stop.

    It’s hard to take time for ourselves. I often feel guilty just sitting down because there is “so much to do.” Sometimes we need to listen to our bodies. My headache was my sign to rest. Spending time with my family fills me up, but so does reading a book. I was able to do both this weekend and I was less than 8 feet from my half- taken down tree. I didn’t completely obsess about it. I didn’t let myself feel guilty. I was thankful for the time to rest, the time to connect and the time to laugh.

    Whatever stage your holiday decorations are in, it’s ok. Have the cup of coffee, write in your journal or snuggle up with your kids. Life is short, my friends. If the tree brings you joy, it’s ok that it stays up a little longer. I wish you peace on your journey of enough as we start the new year. Let’s make it a great 2019. Maybe I’ll get to my tree tomorrow, but I know the world won’t stop if I don’t.

    I hope you find your people…

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    It’s the season of getting Christmas or Holiday cards from friends and family. Some send cards or pictures right after Thanksgiving, some wait until New Years & one friend sends a Halloween card. There are some people I’ve sent to for years and others just recently added. Aside from the year I was diagnosed with cancer (& a little too distracted to get them all sent out), we’ve sent Christmas cards or New Years greetings almost every year. The amount we send out doesn’t equal the number we receive. Some people don’t send them at all, which is fine. I do feel kind of bad when people that I send cards to have sent cards to other people but not to me. It kind of makes me feel like I’m not important enough... Am I not worth the stamp? Not worth the card? I’m not sure of the reason.

    Instead of worrying about it, I’ve decided to just focus on the people who give the positive energy back to me… The people who show up, who love me, scars and all. I spent some extra time with family and friends over the Christmas break. We traveled a few different times and tried to make some memories. We ate lots of treats, played games, went skiing, made lefse, drove go-karts and rode roller coasters. As we say good bye to 2018, there will be a lot of “reflective” posts. I don’t have a top 10 list. Many people I care about lost loved ones this year – some unexpectedly & some had been struggling for a while. For myself, I chose to focus on the positive. I learned a lot this year. I grew, I shrunk, I laughed, I cried, I gained new friends and some fell off the radar. Some of them are like the “return to sender,” but that’s ok.

    I will look back on 2018 and remember the times I spent with “my people.” Not just one person, but groups of people who get me. Groups of people who think I am enough. All are different… yet all are meaningful. Family, friends, people at work, people I met at classes or retreats, people at church, people at the grocery store… all bring something magical to my life.

    For 2019, I welcome in magic, fun, laughter, prosperity, writing, growing, loving, adventure, kindness and vulnerability.

    Whatever your new year brings, I wish you peace on your journey of enough. With peace in your heart, you can survive the ebbs and flows of life. I hope you find your people on your journey. Be thankful for your breath and blow the noisemaker!

    To my boys… 19 things I want you to know…

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    (I started writing this last December but paused. After being stuck at home with influenza for a week last winter, losing some loved ones & watching a couple of TV shows that had some “life is too short moments”… I felt I need to finish this. It’s honest and personal but hopefully inspires someone else to do something similar.)

    I’m a mom of 2 boys. In this photo they were 2 & 5. See those smiles? They warm my heart and bring a tear to my eye. I can still hear their giggles. They are growing up so fast. I remember people telling me this would happen and I would just shrug them off… but oh man, they were right. One is almost as tall as me and the other has his drivers permit. Here are some things I want them to know (even though this may embarrass them, they will one day appreciate it)

    1. I love you more than you can comprehend. Both of you.
    2. I am your biggest fan.
    3. I will always feel like a mamma bear for you. I will try to contain this, but I won’t always be able to.
    4. Seeing pictures of you as little boys makes me sad & happy at the same time.
    5. I may nag you to do your homework or clean your room … but you are always good enough.
    6. I only want the best for you. Whatever that is.
    7. I want to protect you and set you free at the same time.
    8. Your worries, anxieties & fears… I’ve had many of them too. I really do understand.
    9. I’m sorry for missing the dinosaur exhibit at school when I thought I was too busy at work. I tried not to let it happen again.
    10. I’m sorry I didn’t know what to say… when other kids were mean to you, when you struggled to fit in, or when your worries overwhelmed you. All I wanted to do was to wrap you up & keep you safe.
    11. I hope you are always there for each other, regardless of your life paths.
    12. After I’m gone, I will still be with you in spirit. Still talk to me and look for signs.
    13. I hope you have amazing life experiences. This will mean something different to each of you.
    14. I’m sorry you had a mom with cancer when you were young, but I hope you see how strong I am. That strength is in you too.
    15. Go on trips. Sometimes have a plan and sometimes just wing it. You won’t regret it either way.
    16. At 18 years old, you do NOT need to know what you want to do for the rest of your life. You are allowed to change your mind.
    17. Wear your seatbelt every time. No exceptions.
    18. Don’t get drunk on your wedding night. You will want to be able to remember it.
    19. Life really is short. Love big, forgive others and make some awesome memories.

    Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you be reminded of the reason for the Christmas season. I hope you are able to be surrounded by the gifts of family this year. I am thankful for my two gifts who will always be enough for me!

    Thanks, but no…

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    It’s Christmas time and the season of holiday parties. While we don’t have a “work Christmas party,” there are some groups who do parties this time of year. I’m thankful to be invited, but I’m likely not going. I just might not have thought of an excuse yet. I wrote about this last year also, but it bears repeating.

    I’m a stereotypical introvert. I need time alone to recharge. I get flustered by people who demand an answer right now. And the thought of going to a party makes my stomach hurt. If you are not an introvert, this probably seems strange. “Just go, it will be fun.” Yeah, I’m sure people will have fun, but if I go, I’d likely fill awkward silence with a drink and that would quickly become out of hand. It is not the image I’d like to portray to my co-workers. When I was 17? Sure, I didn’t care. Also, I’m not good at small talk. If my husband is there, I’m fine – he does all of the talking and story telling. I smile and laugh at his jokes or roll my eyes, and I don’t have to say much.

    For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. “Why don’t you come out for happy hour?” I just couldn’t. I’d rather be at home with my family or shopping by myself. It wasn’t until I read some articles on introverts that the lightbulb went off – I’m not so strange. I need to honor and respect that part of me instead of trying to be something I’m not. I have little patience for “fake” people, so why would I want to be one myself?

    People have different reasons for not going to the party – maybe they have other things going on in their personal life that they haven’t shared yet. Perhaps they are dealing with loss or being alone. While it’s good to invite people, I think we need to respect their answer. We shouldn’t make them explain their why.

    Going to events like this remind me of all of the ways I’m not enough. I realize it’s a self imposed thing – I’m not smiling enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not social enough, I’m not pretty enough… this list goes through my head. I know I need to speak kinder to myself and I’m working on it. It takes time. My request is for the answer of “no, thanks” to be enough.

    Peace be with you this holiday season. You are always enough, whether you go to the party or choose to stay home.

    Thanks, but no…

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    It’s Christmas time and the season of holiday parties. While we don’t have a “work Christmas party,” there are some groups who do parties this time of year. I’m thankful to be invited, but I’m likely not going. I just might not have thought of an excuse yet. I wrote about this last year also, but it bears repeating.

    I’m a stereotypical introvert. I need time alone to recharge. I get flustered by people who demand an answer right now. And the thought of going to a party makes my stomach hurt. If you are not an introvert, this probably seems strange. “Just go, it will be fun.” Yeah, I’m sure people will have fun, but if I go, I’d likely fill awkward silence with a drink and that would quickly become out of hand. It is not the image I’d like to portray to my co-workers. When I was younger? Sure, I didn’t care. Also, I’m not good at small talk. If my husband is there, I’m fine – he does all of the talking and story telling. I smile and laugh at his jokes or roll my eyes, and I don’t have to say much.

    For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. “Why don’t you come out for happy hour?” I just couldn’t. I’d rather be at home with my family or shopping by myself. It wasn’t until I read some articles on introverts that the lightbulb went off – I’m not so strange. I need to honor and respect that part of me instead of trying to be something I’m not. I have little patience for “fake” people, so why would I want to be one myself?

    People have different reasons for not going to the party – maybe they have other things going on in their personal life that they haven’t shared yet. Perhaps they are dealing with loss or being alone. While it’s good to invite people, I think we need to respect their answer. We shouldn’t make them explain their why.

    Going to events like this remind me of all of the ways I’m not enough. I realize it’s a self imposed thing – I’m not smiling enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not social enough, I’m not pretty enough… this list goes through my head. I know I need to speak kinder to myself and I’m working on it. It takes time. My request is for the answer of “no, thanks” to be enough.

    Peace be with you this holiday season. You are always enough, whether you go to the party or choose to stay home.

    He found the joy, did you?

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    While shopping at Target last weekend, our youngest son saw this Christmas suit. He is not a typical 12 year old – he loves to wear suits. It’s either suits or sweats. He’s not a fan of jeans for some reason. I think it’s a “tween” thing. Normally, I would refuse such a purchase because who would wear this thing? Him. He would wear it, along with red shoes and the largest grin possible. If he wasn’t required to wear black for his band concert next week, he’d be wearing this suit.

    How often in life do we wear our joy? He is wearing it in the form of an obnoxious Christmas suit. What does yours look like? Are we too afraid of what other people will think? I remember when I was young, my mom wouldn’t go to the local grocery store (in our town of 500) unless she at least had lipstick on. I haven’t worn lipstick since my wedding. Everyone has their own idea of acceptable. Our outward appearance doesn’t always match our joy but sometimes it does. Sometimes it’s the opposite – fake joy may equal hidden sadness.

    4 years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Stage 1 invasive ductal carcinoma. Some days I felt actually brave, ready to conquer cancer. Other days, I felt like staying in bed and giving up. 4 years ago at Christmas was difficult for me because it made me think of all the what if’s. Lots of scenarios ran through my head while I tried to fake the holiday cheer. I still didn’t know my course of treatment and yet I had to reassure everyone I’d be fine.

    Unfortunately, the holidays aren’t filled with joy for everyone. I encourage you to reach out to someone who may be struggling- emotionally or financially, if possible. Just letting people know you care is a huge thing. If you are struggling, I encourage you to seek help. There are better days ahead. If you are filled with joy this holiday season, wear it like this Christmas suit. Spread it around like sunshine and glitter. Our journey of enough isn’t meant to be walked alone. May you find joy this holiday season…whatever form it may be in. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.