Tag: #change

Random Tuesday’s have a whole new meaning…

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I used to use the phrase that included “on a random Tuesday”… until a random Tuesday changed my life. I was 41 years old when I heard those words on a Tuesday. I was teaching a class on a Tuesday when I got a call. I was standing in the hallway on a Tuesday when I heard the doctor say, “I am not sure how to tell you this, but you have breast cancer.” For a while, my world stopped on a Tuesday. I am going to give new energy to Tuesday’s! Tuesday’s are going to be a regular blog post day from now on.

As I sit at the orthodontist office, waiting for my youngest son to get some brackets put on his teeth, I am making a commitment. A commitment to be more consistent in my writing. A commitment to make Tuesday’s something to look forward to. A commitment to myself and to you. I keep getting told that someone needs to hear what I have to say. Although that’s hard for me to believe, I’m going to assume it’s true and hope you will continue to follow me in my journey.

Putting myself out there is scary. It’s eye opening and heart warming. I am hoping it will be a positive spot for your Tuesday and won’t be as “random.” Consistent Tuesday will be the phrase instead of random. I hope you will join me on my journey of enough as we share some time together.

PS – the flowers are from my husband, who sent me random flowers, because unexpected flowers are so amazing! Pink for breast cancer awareness month and I am the chairperson of our Relay for Life team.

Would you wave a magic wand?

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This is one of my favorite pictures of my boys. 5 years ago, on a still day at the lake they were just fishing. The reflection on the water makes it look like they are surrounded by clouds. I feel like this is my oldest son’s version of heaven. This picture came up on my Facebook memories and I got kind of emotional. An unexpected flood of emotions… making my eyes well up. They are so innocent here. This was before my cancer diagnosis. This was before their uncle’s farm accident (he miraculously survived). This was before their loved ones were ill. So much has changed. Part of me wants to reach into this picture & hug those little boys. I wish I could protect them from the heartache. I wish I could see that sweet “carefree” look in their eyes.

But I can’t do that… & part of me doesn’t want to. All of those scary things taught us something. As crummy as it was to tell my kids that I had cancer, it brought us closer together. It taught us how to ask for help. It allowed us some quiet time. It changed my perception of life in general. Their uncle’s farm accident taught us how to pray intentionally. It taught us how to let others hold us when we feel like we are falling apart. It showed us that miracles are real and they do happen. Their loved one’s illness taught us that health is important. It taught us to listen to our bodies, to love and respect these vessels that we have been entrusted with. It made me even more aware that life is short & we should take the trips!

Yes, part of me would like to wave my magic wand and keep them from the pain. But, those painful moments make us realize how sweet life is. Cancer happened for me, not to me. I was asked shortly after radiation, “So, has cancer changed you?” Yes. Yes, it did. I didn’t fully realize it at that moment, but I will never be the same… and not in a bad way. I will always try to make it to my kids’ events. I will honor and listen to my body. I will hug more. I will take the trip. I will sit and pet my cat. I will practice meditation & prayer. I will enjoy the life I have. I will give to others. I will show up for them when they don’t know what to do next. I will know that silence is ok, just being there means a lot.

None of us are promised a “tomorrow,” but I will do my best to live my life to the fullest. When my time comes, I hope to end up in a place like this picture… more beautiful than I can ever imagine. I really do wish you peace on your journey of enough. Peace is a powerful thing. Learning to sit in silence and absorb all of the good around you is good for the soul.

I still do…

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Wow. Where did a month go? It’s been a month since my last post. Summer in the upper Midwest is a precious time of trying to soak up as much good weather as we can… & that’s what I’ve been doing. Soaking up summer like a sponge. Maybe I’ll remember these warm days when it’s -40 in January.

About 2 months ago, I wasn’t able to wear my wedding ring. It was hurting my finger and my hands had gotten too “puffy” due to some extra weight that has crept up on me. I know it should be an easy equation = eat less + move more. It’s just not that simple for everyone. Many factors come into play. Last fall, someone I know had their breast cancer return after 20+ yrs. It’s now stage 4 and in several places… yet she wasn’t overweight, ate plenty of fruits and vegetables & took vitamins daily. This was hard for me to deal with – the possibility of this happening to me was scary. I had a “why bother eating healthy” attitude & a bit of unspoken self-pitty. I had an “I deserve a donut” mentality and it wasn’t healthy.

There is something I didn’t realize right away… her story is not my story. Just because it happened to her doesn’t mean it will happen to me. I go in for my check ups, I’m an advocate for myself and I want to be around for many more years.

2 things happened to spur my desire to shed some extra pounds. 1) Relay for Life. As I posted last time, the Relay for Life event was very powerful. Walking around that track made me feel like I had an obligation to continue to survive. Seeing those white balloons release in memory of those who have passed made me realize all those balloons were symbols of someone who people wished was still here. I don’t want to take my life for granted. I don’t want my kids to live without their mom. If there is something I can do to extend my life, then I should. 2) My husband asked me if I needed my ring re-sized. It was an innocent question, but one that was hard to answer. “I just need to shed some weight.” Funny that he brought it up because he hasn’t worn his ring in years, but he never thinks that it insinuates that he’s not married. (Ok there might be 3 reasons – the third being vanity, if I’m honest. I saw those pictures of me with a double chin and a belly larger than I’d like, & it made me self conscious)

So, 3 weeks into a keto lifestyle, I can wear my rings. I am drinking a lot of water and have drastically reduced carbs and sugar. I’ve discovered that I’m likely gluten sensitive because I feel so much better after eliminating it. I have a higher likelihood of getting diabetes since I had gestational diabetes & my dad is diabetic. Having PCOS increased my health risks for other diseases & my history of breast cancer increases other risks. It would be easy for me to give up, but I feel like this is different. My “WHY” … why I do this – is to live longer. I want to be able to keep up with my active family. As I told my oldest son, I want to be around to annoy you when I’m 95. (To which he replied, “Um, I’ll be fishing – you’ll have to annoy my brother.”) I think it felt safer for me to hide behind extra weight. I wasn’t attracting attention that way.

I still do want to be married. I still do want to run. I still do want to feel fit. I still do want to live to be 95. I still do want my journey to continue. I still do want to write a book. There is so much yet to do. I’m excited to feel amazing! Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you find the support you need to keep you going… whatever your goals are. I hope to report at Christmas time that I’ve met my goals and have discovered some amazing gluten free & lower sugar recipes.

So close…

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Do you ever feel like this pool ball? Do you feel on the edge – soooo close, just not quite there? What’s the thing you need to push you forward or onto something great? How long will you sit there?

A few things happened to me after I had cancer. Aside from physical changes, my outlook on life changed some also. “Life is too short” took on a whole new meaning for me. I would sit at my desk job, feeling bad because I wasn’t making a difference in the world.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Life is too short to be stressed.

Life is too short to be angry.

Life is too short to _____ (fill in the blank).

I might not be “changing the world” like I envisioned, but I am changing my world and my family’s world. I’ve tried a bunch of new things in the last 3 years… I joined a wine club, taken a Healing Touch class, joined a church small group, become a co-chair of our Relay for Life team, taken intuition & spirit classes and shot a bow & arrow. Do you ever get a whispering feeling nudging you in a certain direction? If you don’t pay attention to it, does it get louder? Are you like the pool ball, sitting on the edge? Don’t let fear hold you back. There is a Christian radio song called “Fear is a Liar.” It’s a great song. Fear is a liar. It will try to keep you small and safe and comfortable. Don’t believe the lies.

On your journey of enough, I hope you listen to the nudge instead of just sitting on the edge. I hope you take a risk, make someone smile, try something new, meet a new friend, experience something amazing. Peace be with you on your journey. Life really is short – make the most of it.

“Can we fix it?”

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When our oldest son was growing up, he loved Bob the Builder. It was (maybe still is) a cartoon about a construction guy named Bob, who had talking vehicles that helped him fix things. Their slogan was, “Can we fix it? Yes, we can!” And there was a song that followed. My husband stayed at home with the boys when they were little, so he heard this song… a LOT. One day, he got tired of it, and switched it to the Spanish version. Since we don’t know much Spanish, he thought it would quickly get shut off because it would be too confusing. He was wrong. Instead, it seemed like a fun new adventure to hear things in a whole new way.

I’m finding myself wanting to “fix” things that aren’t mine to fix. My life path is taking a bit of a detour/side road, and the control freak side of me is wanting to call in Bob the Builder. If I could just “fix” it and make it all better, then life could go on as planned… or would it? Would it turn into a version that I couldn’t understand, trying to figure out how to switch the remote back?We usually have “rear-view mirror” epiphanies… it’s sometimes easy to see what our lesson was after the fact. In the middle of it, it’s messy and confusing & feels like we are watching an episode that we don’t know how to follow along with.

Sometimes we try to “fix things” with external stuff in hopes it will fill us up. (Mine was Caribou coffee, sunshine, peanut butter & chocolate, as shown in the picture) Sometimes we use music or meditation to distract us a bit. When we try to use alcohol or drugs to escape and not deal with it at all, it does not make it go away. Whatever we are supposed to learn is still there.

I’m trying to learn how to be mindful and set intentions in my day. Some days it’s great and keeps me moving forward. Some days, like yesterday, I can almost see it going down the drain. It’s an old school merry-go-round with nobody to stop it. Too many things just out of my control…. but I have to stop. And breathe. And realize there is a lesson in this somewhere. It might take me years to see it… but it’s there. Something is happening to help me grow & teach me what I need to know to move forward. My mentor frequently says, “Things are happening FOR you, not TO you. Look for the blessings.” I’m learning a lot this week. Perhaps you are too. Some things aren’t mine to fix, and that is OK.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough… Peace to fill you as you sit in the sunshine, peace to fill you as you look for the light. Peace… (and some chocolate or coffee) Take a deep breath and smile, even if you don’t mean it yet. I hope soon you will.

I’m sorry but we’re breaking up…

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It’s New Year’s Eve, but we’re breaking up. Me and Fear. I’ve decided I’m done with Fear. It is no longer needed in my life. Oh sure, I will still be appropriately fearful of dangerous things… but it’s not going to rule my life. No longer will I fear a breast cancer re-occurrence. I’m done with it. Please don’t fear it for me either. It’s not healthy. It does neither of us any good.

I’m debating whether or not I will keep my pink ribbon shoes (pictured above). I don’t necessarily want to forget my previous cancer. Perhaps I will wear them as a reminder of what I’ve overcome instead of a reminder of what might return. That seems more healthy.

It’s the time of year when lots of people come up with resolutions. I admit that I’ve had the whole “weight loss resolution” more than once. This year, I’m resolving to experience life. I going to try to be more present. I’m going to try things I haven’t done before (winter camping is the first thing on the list.) I’m going to set fear aside and live my best life.

I hope you can do the same. Whatever thing your Fear is tied to, let it go. Hand it over to God or the universe or whatever you believe. Make 2018 be your best year in your journey of enough. Peace be with you in the new year. Thanks for being with me on my journey!

Drop the hiking pack…

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I took this picture after dropping my son off at school. What a beautiful sunrise. (I added the words to make it more “artsy”) But, it got me thinking – how many days do we drag yesterday with us instead of starting over. Have you seen the movie “50 First dates?” Adam Sandler falls in love with Drew Barrymore, but she has short term memory loss. She forgets yesterday & starts over each day. I wouldn’t want to forget yesterday, but maybe I don’t need to hold onto it so much. You’ve heard people say they have “emotional baggage.” To me, that brings up a powerful mental image. The heavy baggage of yesterday that we carry around…We dwell on it. We let it define us. We let it hold us down & keep us from moving forward.

Have you ever pictured it? Have you pictured getting rid of it? Have you seen yourself lifting it off your shoulders like one of those giant hiking backpacks? Give it a try. Picture yourself taking off that burden. Release that fear, that anger, that guilt, that doubt. You don’t need to carry it with you. It does not need to define you. It may have shaped who you are, but it doesn’t need to weigh you down and keep you from discovering something new about yourself.

You might not want to get rid of your big hiking pack. I get it, it’s comfortable & safe. It feels like something you’re supposed to have on, to carry around and to keep you from running too far or trying something too crazy. Ok, so what if you took baby steps & took a few things out of your pack to start with? Maybe you’re not ready to kick it down the street just yet. What if you wrote down something from that backpack & then tossed it away? We did this at a retreat & it was a powerful experience. Toss it. Got rid of it. Throw it in the fire or into the garbage. You don’t need it anymore. You don’t need it to define you. Fill yourself up with some laughs. Let that laughter take the spot of whatever you took out of that pack. See how much lighter the laughter is? It’s bound to make you smile too.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I wish you peace that you will find from the release of your baggage. Fill it up with enough love to keep you warm, enough laughter to keep you light & enough hope to keep you moving forward.

Experiment of One Word…

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One word. I was a part of a group/class and one of our assignments was to ask on social media: “describe me in 1 word.” We could not say why or respond with anything other than “thank you.” This felt strange. It felt like I was fishing for compliments and laying my heart out. The most amazing thing happened: I got practice accepting a compliment. Instead of brushing it off or adding a “but…” – all I did was reply thank you. It’s harder to do than you think. How many times does someone compliment you and you add a “thanks, BUT I got it on sale” or some other comment that tends to diminish their compliment? Try it out. If someone compliments you, just say thank you, and smile. Soak up the positive energy & spread it around to someone else. 

Another great thing happened… I now have a whole list of words to describe myself. Instead of the negative comments that sometimes float around in my head, I have a whole list of great words. I heard from people I wouldn’t have expected a comment from. I heard responses I wasn’t anticipating. They all remind me of who I am to others & who I should be to myself. I typed them all out in different fonts and  fun colors and hung it in my room. I haven’t been brave enough to hang it at work yet. One word came up twice and made me teary… Enough. Oh, yes! Enough! What a great reminder. 

Given the recent tragic shooting in Las Vegas, it made me think of this “one word.” It doesn’t cost anything to give people a compliment. It’s free to give people a new word to describe themselves. What if you could make someone’s day? What if you could lift them up when they are down? What if you could make them feel loved? You can. Oh precious soul, you do have the power to make someone else feel enough. Or beautiful… or inspirational… or talented. We don’t know how long we have on this earth. Don’t leave those good words unsaid. I challenge you to tell someone what they mean to you. Give them a new positive word. 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I’d love to hear what your one word is.

Better Connected

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I looked in the mirror after the church service Wednesday night, looking for grey hair. When did I become a grumpy old church lady? Do you know what I’m talking about? We had some sweet grey haired ladies in our Lutheran church growing up. They sure would give you a “look” if your kids were misbehaving. As our pastor talked, people talked amongst themselves… loudly. Not just kids, but adults too… talking without respect for the pastor. Their conversation was much more important than whatever he was saying about the new Confirmission year (confirmation + mission). I felt myself being annoyed and wondering what the pastor was feeling. I certainly was grumpy about it but I didn’t make any “church lady glances.”

Our church has a “theme” each year. Last year, it was Church in the Wild. It focused on getting out into the community to share our faith. This year, the theme is Better Connected. They bring in a guest speaker every so often. That night it was a youth pastor who spoke of being called out of our comfort zone. When he spoke, those side conversations stopped. Everyone was paying attention. (Thank goodness) This topic was perfect for me. Although I’m no longer considered a youth, the idea of being better connected with strangers is certainly out of my comfort zone. As part of the Better Connected theme, they are starting small groups. Ugh small groups? Will there be “ice breakers” also? Normally, I’d pretend that I didn’t see the sign up sheet, come up with an excuse not to do it, or avoid everyone who tried to ask me about it. In the spirit of trying new things, I signed up. Aaahh. Can you believe this?! Add this to the list of things I never thought I’d do. Oh and while I was at it, last week I also went to a Parents Advisory Council (kinda like PTA) at Myles’ school. 

Why, oh why am I doing these things? Modeling. No, not in the sense of fashion (for sure that’s not me)… in the sense of modeling for my kids. To show them that it’s ok to step outside your comfort zone. It’s ok to try new things. It’s ok to open up and let people in. Scary? Hell, yes. But, I felt that tap on my shoulder to do this. I’m excited to see what will come of it. If I don’t try, I will never know. 

My journey of enough is taking me on a different path. A path that I never thought I’d go down. It’s safe and comfortable to stay with what you know… but what if something great comes out of the new path? What if I inspire my kids or make a new friend? I’ll keep you posted on how this all shakes out. Maybe you’ll feel compelled to try something new too. Maybe you’ll find your new favorite hobby or wine or friend. 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Hang on and enjoy the ride!

Free to grow…

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School is starting for our North Dakota friends, and before we know it, we will have our new “back to school pictures” too. This photo was from 5 years ago. 5 years. Myles was just going into Kindergarten and Dallas was going into 4th grade. Sometimes when I look at my boys, this is what I see. I’m guessing that my parents still see a blonde 5 year old with curly pigtails. I imagine it’s similar for other parents… you see a growing son or daughter before you, but your mind jumps back to years ago. Those little hands that just wanted you to hold them, those big backpacks on their little bodies, those smiles – eager with anticipation for a new school year. 

I often hear people say, “I wish I could keep them this age forever.” I get the idea behind it, but it also makes me think of those parents that don’t get to see their kids grow – they are taken from them all too soon, and they are “frozen in time.” They won’t get to experience life with them beyond that point. That picture is the last one they will take. There won’t be totes of school papers, pictures from the big game or prom or weddings. I know that may seem harsh, but there are families in this area dealing with that this year. There are families everywhere dealing with it. 

So, while we soak up the last few days of summer and get ready for back-to-school nights, let’s remember to be thankful. Be thankful that your kids are free to grow. Be thankful for their busy schedules and noisy friends and games. Be thankful that they’ve grown out of their new clothes already. Just stop and breathe it all in. Soak it up like a sponge and thank God for another year with them. Think of those parents who won’t get to experience this. (Maybe have coffee with them or just give them a hug). 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough & may God grant you growing kids.