Tag: #breastcancer

I don’t want to blink …

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I don’t want to blink. I don’t want to miss any more of this. The last year feels like a blur, and I feel like I wasn’t fully present for my life, for my family. I was selfish and said no to volunteering, social functions & life in general some days. I needed to, in order to just get by. Sometimes I feel like I should have done more, since I had an “easier/stage 1″ cancer. I missed out though, I closed my eyes too much. Now my oldest son is 2” taller than me and my youngest one can finally say breakfast instead of “brefkist.”

Today, and this weekend, is graduation for many. In 5 short years, I’ll be doing the same. I don’t want to blink. I don’t want to miss it. Today, my boys played with foam swords and horsed around on the water. They laughed and chased each other, and I literally had tears in my eyes. I know this won’t last. I know that there will be summer jobs, and girls and camps etc, and my time with them will slip through my fingers.

I think I know why the youngest in the family is usually spoiled. (I’m the youngest so I can comment on this – ha ha) It’s because that’s when it sinks in for the parents – this is the last. The last little one. The last tooth fairy and Santa. The last Kindergarten program and science fair. So we try to hold on, soak it in and make it last a little longer. (Plus sometimes we are just more tired, so we give in)  We may have been in such a sleep-deprived zombie state with our first kids to fully realize this. Now it starts to sink in. So we say “yes” to a few more things… staying up later, an extra treat, etc.

For those of you with graduates today, take it all in. I hope the day goes well. I hope you realize that it doesn’t matter what kind of food you have or how many decorations there are. If your kids are happy, that is enough. For those graduating today, remember your parents love you… probably more than you can comprehend  right now. Enjoy the next stage in your life. Have some fun, learn something new & have some amazing adventures. To your parents, you are enough.  Peace be with you today. I’ll be the one with my eyes wide open, trying not to blink.

My wish for you…

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My wish for you is that you will do something in your life that’s out of your comfort zone. Something that you thought you’d never be able to do (in a good way, not an illegal way 😉) Yesterday, I completed my 4th half marathon, but my first one “post cancer.” I didn’t prepare enough for it, and I knew that. I had started training with a great group in Fargo in January (Faster Stronger Runner.) I soon realized that I’d need to walk more than run. I started skipping the training sessions. My kids had events, it was too cold… Lots of excuses. The problem was, that I don’t feel like a runner. I don’t love it like my husband does. I’m not fast. I cannot talk when I run. I don’t get a runner’s high. I had committed to do the half though, and I wasn’t going to back out. I did most of my training on my own, enjoying the quiet time.

Leading up to the half marathon, the weather reports showed it being hotter than it has been in this area. 80 degrees is great for spectators, but not great for most runners. You need to take in more water and try to keep your body cool. I started out ahead of the three hour pace group, knowing that they’d eventually pass me. That was ok. My main goal was to finish. I gave lots of high 5’s to kids and adults. I wore a big pink tutu and my “TeamEdith” hat. (I raised over $275 for breast cancer research) I twirled my tutu in the street, told the story behind it to a few people, and smiled big each time someone yelled, “nice tutu!” The temps were much hotter than I would have liked, but you have to deal with the day as it comes. I took water and Powerade at every stop. I ran through each sprinkler, and took advantage of kids with squirt guns. A friend handed me a bag of ice, which made its way around my body – in my bra, under my arms and in my hat. My husband and kids were out to cheer me on. Their cheers, hugs and high fives were wonderful. They walked with me the last mile. One advantage of Cameron being a 6 time finisher of the same race, he knew the last mile would be tough. He was right. They kept me going, and I was able to shuffle/jog into the Fargodome. My sister was in the stands, and husband and kids were right along the finish line. I did it!

I thought for sure I’d cry at the end. I didn’t. Maybe I was too dehydrated. I did almost pass out, but managed to keep it together (despite being clammy and having everything flashing/going spotty.) What did make me cry was when I thought of the people I was thankful for. I texted some of them as I was waking on the course. Not everyone, but some I was able to text as I ran “their mile.” The people towards the end had much shorter notes. At mile 5/6 there was a man in a wheelchair without legs, cheering on the side of the road. His sign said “take a step for me, I’ll be with you..” Something to that effect. I was crying in the street because I could walk/run/jog – it’s all about perspective. It made me think that a year ago, I had a broken foot, was recovering from lumpectomy & radiation and I was getting ready for a hysterectomy. This is why I ran. Because I can. I wanted to show people, and my kids, that you can do anything you put your mind to. My pain is only temporary. A few days from now, stairs won’t hurt as much and I will be able to get up more easily.

I struggled with not being fast enough, good enough, going far enough… But the look on my family’s faces said that I was enough. Peace be with you on your journey of enough & may you take the time to enjoy some high fives and spectators cheers. God put them there for you.

Let us run with perseverance…

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The young man on the right is my son, getting ready for a 100m race. It’s a race that he didn’t win, but he did his best and didn’t give up. The verse is one of my favorites. It is also printed on the back of the Fargo Marathon medals.

The Fargo Marathon is coming up this weekend. There are several events leading up to it, but the one I’ll be concerned with is the half marathon. For the past 6 years, my husband has run the Fargo full marathon.  26.2 miles is not on my bucket list. I’m content to be a marathoner’s wife. At some point last year, I decided that when I beat cancer, I’d finish another half marathon. (It didn’t seem like a good idea when it was super cold out though.) Regardless of my finishing time, I plan to complete the race.

“Perseverance”… not giving up. It applies to more than just running. Steady persistence in a course of action is one definition. Don’t give up is a lesson that I hope I’ve taught our boys. Facing cancer head on, broken foot, hysterectomy etc – I didn’t give up. Were there days that I wanted to? Yep. I’m human. We all are. My husband got a stomach bug during his last marathon. He looked longingly at the medical tent, tempted to give up. But he didn’t. He wanted to show our boys perseverance. Will they understand it today? Maybe not. But they will have the memory of him sticking with it.

“The race marked out for us…” Just as the marathon organizers plan out the course and mark it with spray paint, orange cones & traffic directors, God does the same for us. Sometimes we don’t see the signs. We are too busy looking ahead to see what’s next, or looking behind us to see who’s coming, & we don’t pay attention to his signs. We may be tempted to quit or to take a different route. We might be so busy worrying about our feet hurting that we forget to high 5 the little kids on the sidelines, to thank the volunteers or just to soak up all of the positive energy. God puts people in our lives to help direct us. While they may not have orange reflective vests on, they are there to gently guide us down the correct route. Have you ever felt this? That someone was placed in our life for you to learn something or to help you go a certain direction? They were. And there are more signs if we just pay attention.

I hope you take the opportunity to watch a marathon or a half marathon. It’s amazing. I get emotional each time I watch. The things that our bodies can do are simply amazing. All kinds, shapes, sizes and ages will be in the race. For some, their speed and grace is beautiful to see. For others like me, their goal is to finish… to persevere. Cheer them all on!!

Saturday will be an emotional day. Whatever my finish time is, it will be enough. Crossing the finish line will symbolize more than just 13.1 miles. I’ll be the one in the pink tutu. Come out & cheer me on. I’ll be accepting high 5’s also.

Warriors wanted…

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“Prayer warriors” took on a whole new meaning 2 years ago after my brother-in-law’s farm accident. He had a tractor drive over his back. The odds of him coming out of that alive, let alone able to walk again were slim. He is a miracle. We called on everyone we knew to pray. For those first several scary days, that’s all we could do. Pray. My sister and I stayed up all day & night for a few days. Our slogan became, “we are running on God and coffee.” I’m not one to stay up all night, yet I didn’t feel tired (not like I would normally be) the whole time I was there. We could feel the prayers. If you’ve ever gone through something traumatic and let people into your personal life, asked them to pray for you, you might have experienced this. It’s amazing and life changing. It makes you look at prayer in a whole new way. Intentional…

Intentional prayer is different. Instead of saying, “I’ll pray for you,” you pray specific, intentional prayers. I like to think that God likes it when we have a conversation. When we are more specific and intentional, I feel like it makes it easier for him to help us. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt that same feeling again. I felt people praying for me. The best way to describe it, for me, is like a warm blanket covering you… wrapping you in peace. Given the experience from before, I asked for specific prayers. I opened up & shared what I was going through, in order for people to help pray specifically & intentionally. It’s hard to let people in and be vulnerable, but I was glad that I did.

If you want to help someone and you don’t know what to do, this is one of the easiest ways to help. Take a few minutes & have a chat with God. Include a prayer for peace for them. Offer some kind words to your friend… not advice or judgement or questions, just tell them you are praying for them (& maybe what your specific prayer was.) There are a lot of people I know who are going through some crummy stuff right now. It seems that the older I get, the more common that is – health issues, marriage issues/divorce, and death of loved ones. Aside from possibly bringing them a meal or sending a care package or card, I try to pray for them.

Faith is an important thing to me, and it’s become something I’m more open to talk about than ever before. It doesn’t make me perfect or better. It makes me more at peace. I feel that part of my journey is to share it with others – to share my faith journey, stumbles and all. Remember friends, you are enough!

Thankfulness…

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I like this picture. Aside from the message of being thankful, I like the picture of the two seeds just floating along together. Sometimes we feel like the two seeds in the middle, floating side by side, and sometimes we feel like the ones in the top corner, kind of tumbling and randomly falling. I feel like the more thankful we are, the more we are like the two in the middle. It helps guide our path. When we forget to be thankful, then things can feel out of control.

But what if it’s hard to be thankful? Oh, some days it’s not easy & I won’t claim to have it all together. Some days fear and guilt overshadow thankfulness. Fear is something they don’t talk much about “post treatment.” Fear of the unknown, of reoccurrence, of death. The what ifs that swirl around in our mind can sometimes make it feel like you are suffocating. When you get a strange pain or have unexplained vertigo for long periods of time, it’s hard to shut off the “what ifs.” It’s a balance between being a hypochondriac and being an advocate for yourself. There is unexpected guilt too. How did I get so lucky to get through this while other people lose loved ones unexpectedly? I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain those things. Maybe nobody does.

I feel the need to hand over those fears to God though. I know that it makes some people uncomfortable talking about it, but you can just quietly do this yourself. Whisper, pray, think to yourself…

       Lord, I give my fears over to you. I know that I cannot fix them myself and that you are greater than this world. Help me to focus on the good. I give to you my feelings of not being enough. Help me to realize that to you, I am enough. You designed me to be the best mom that I can be to my kids (even when it doesn’t feel like it.) You already give me the tools I need … Help me to see all the good you see in me. Amen

To me, those two seeds feel so peaceful. I hope you find peace today amidst your struggle. Start your day with thankfulness, even when it’s not easy. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Another anniversary… 

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 Are you tired of my anniversaries? 1 year ago tomorrow, I had my last radiation appointment. I “rang the bell” at Roger Maris Cancer Center & ended my active treatment. These milestones are wonderful to celebrate but they bring up some emotions too. My Facebook memories showed my Caring Bridge post from a year ago. Since you might not have read that, I’m posting it here too:

April 7, 2015

Today I had my last regular/weekly appointment with the radiation oncologist (aka my flow chart Dr). Tomorrow is my last radiation treatment. They were talking to me today about ringing the bell after my last treatment tomorrow. I guess I hadn’t thought of that. I obviously know that tomorrow is the last day, but to realize that it’s the last day of “active treatment” was something that hadn’t quite sunk in yet. The thought of being able to “Ring the Bell” kind of made me emotional. For those of you who don’t know, there is a big bell by the doorway at Roger Maris. When you are done with “active treatment”, you can ring the bell to signify that you are a Survivor. Some people don’t want to do it, some think it’s superstitious to ring it in case your cancer returns (and also you still have 5 yrs of follow up – but this is the end of active treatment). I am quite certain that I will ring their bell and do so with my pink attire on and a large smile on my face. And I will quite possibly be teary.

I am relieved to have this part of my journey (almost) over. I’m amazed at the prayers, friendship and support that me and all of my family have received these last 4 months. I’m thankful for those prayers and positive messages that have carried us through some difficult days. I’m so thankful for my family and their support. I know I’m not always easy to deal with, and they’ve taken it in stride. I’m thankful for my co-workers, and Cameron’s, who have helped cover our work duties, supported our absences and listened to our stories – I’m sure to them it seems like this is going on FOREVER. I am thankful that I have grown in faith, learned to turn things over to God (and not be shy or apologetic in my dependence on HIM), and have drawn on HIS strength and promise to keep me going. While my journey isn’t over, and I’ll likely update after hysterectomy (and if there is anything else “interesting” that happens along the way), I’m glad to be closing this “chapter” of my cancer story. Strength, positive attitude and faith are things that I’ve heard from people when they talk about how I’m handling this. There is a saying on my desk that is truer than you’ll ever know – “You never know how STRONG you are until being STRONG is the only choice you have”. That’s how I’ve approached this journey, and will continue to for the next 5+ years.
So, if you see me tomorrow (Wed) after 11am, feel free to HIGH FIVE me, say congratulations, or just smile big. This chapter of my journey will be ending, and I will be thankful!
**********

That was from a year ago. At times it feels like yesterday & sometimes it feels like a million miles away. I still carry the card with me from the cancer center: “Ring this bell Three times well Its toll to clearly say, My treatment’s done This course is run And I am on my way.” I still can’t read that without getting a lump in my throat. So tomorrow I will acknowledge my anniversary & be thankful for all that’s happened. Oh, and if you want to high five me on Friday, that’s fine too.

Plans…

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Planning… It’s kind of what I do. I mean literally, as a job, I’m a production planner. It carries over into my personal life too. My husband isn’t a planner, so that’s one of my roles in this relationship. I plan the birthday parties, family trips, what people are going to wear for holidays etc. (I’m bad at planning supper but I honestly don’t know too many people who love that role.)

 As a result of my love for planning, my kids have grown to expect that I will have a plan. This past year has changed me in more ways than one. MY plans kind of went out the window. You see, cancer was not part of my plan. It was part of God’s plan for me. I wasn’t super excited about his plan, but it shaped me into a bit of a different person. Aside from the physical changes, I also changed my level of “control.” Part of the great thing about planning is that you’re in control of the outcome (most of the time.) Giving up that control means that you don’t know what will happen next. Kinda scary, right?! It’s ok – just take baby steps.

My personal life planning decreased because I was just focused on getting through treatment, getting through the next step, and the next, etc. Many times in the last year, my boys have said “what’s the plan?” My answer was, “I don’t know.” This frequently is met with confused looks – what do you mean you don’t know?! Mom always knows the plan. Well, this past year has helped me to trust more in God’s plan. I know he’s not done with me yet. Part of his plan for me was to learn let go of control and trust. He knew I wouldn’t have slowed down enough after the hysterectomy, so he “blessed” me with a broken foot to force the slow down. Ok, I get it, sometimes I’m a slow learner. I’m also still learning that it’s ok to not have a plan sometimes & things will still turn out.

Ironically, I’m telling you about how good I am of letting go of planning while I am planning a family reunion for 100 people. Ok, I didn’t say I completely gave it up, I said I was getting better. I still have a job in planning so I can’t give it up completely. So, there will be lists and spreadsheets with details about the party… but without it, we might not all get together. And that’s another thing this last year has taught me – family is important & you never know how long you have to enjoy them. And I know that our reunion weekend will be wonderful & filled with lots of love and laughter. We have some pretty cool angels watching over us, and they’ll be wondering what games we will be playing & betting on who will win at Whist.

My point is, to God, we are enough. We are a part of His plan. While it might not always make sense in the moment, sometimes we can see the meaning after it’s all over with. I think I could write a book on “oh, that’s what that was for” type moments. But that’s another subject. For now,trust His plans for you. You are enough to the God of the universe – how cool is that?!!

Just breathe…

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How long can you hold your breath? Just recently, I held mine for 8 days. Not literally of course, but it sure felt like it.

Last Thursday, I had my follow up MRI. I had one last January before my lumpectomy. (The one last January found 2 spots that the mammogram had missed. One was pre-cancer & was removed. The other was not cancer and was just “marked” with a metal clip so they can watch it.) I wasn’t expecting anything to come from the one last week. I went in, asked for extra ear protection (I highly recommend it) – & spent 30 min visualizing the lake. For this type of MRI, you are on your stomach, with your chest through the table. I did just fine & went back to work after. I was hoping to just get a letter in the mail 7-10 days later. 

I was shocked when the surgeon called me at home after supper. “There is a spot/nodule on your right breast (opposite from previous cancer) that has changed since last year. We will want to have you come in and check it out.” It would be Thursday before I could get in for an ultrasound & possible biopsy. The waiting game sucks. I had kind of forgotten how much it stinks. I didn’t want to alarm my kids. As honest as I was throughout my cancer, I just simply didn’t know enough to tell them anything yet. I’d deal with that if I needed to when that time came. 

I had the distraction of a weekend with family for Easter and then back to work for more waiting. I talked with the Roger Maris Cancer Center’s psych Dr on Monday. She talked about prayer & meditation & ways to get me through to Thursday without going too stir crazy. You see, this type of thing is what (most) cancer survivors fear. It’s what nobody talks about or prepares you for. The “what ifs”… What if the cancer comes back, what if it metastasized, what if I can’t tell  that something changed etc etc. This is the kind of thing that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. As much as I remained positive & strong through my cancer, fear over took me this time. I did ok (not super, but ok) until Wednesday. The day before the ultrasound & biopsy I was a bit of a mess. Only a handful of people knew about it, but those who did were sending up some pretty big prayers. Songs would come on the radio that made me teary. The thought of having to tell my kids again made my heart ache. 

Thursday came & I spent an hour of the morning having reiki to try and calm and balance me. I had breakfast with my aunt & she came with me to the ultrasound. Being a cancer survivor herself, she knew what to expect. They let her come in with me for the ultrasound. The spot they were looking for was deep, closer to the chest wal. It was difficult to find, which was good and bad. The Dr came in to look and said that if I was anyone else, with no history of cancer, they’d just wait and see. He also said that he realized I’d probably worry for 6 months if I decided to just wait, so he would do the biopsy. Yes, please. Peace of mind is worth the temporary pain. Plus it was already scheduled so I could do it right away. 

This is my 4th biopsy (3 last year.) They put lidocaine in to numb it, then go in with a long needle to get a sample. Then they put a tiny clip in that spot to mark it for future reference. One that’s done, they have to put pressure on your chest for 15 minutes. Yep, that’s as fun as it sounds…not fun. Awkward small talk etc. After that, they do a mammogram again to see that the clip is in place. They send you on your way with ice packs in your bra. Time to rest. It would be Monday before they had results. Initially the Dr thought it looked good, so I should be relieved. Since I’ve heard, “I’m sure it’s nothing” before and they were wrong, I would wait until I got the call to celebrate.

I didn’t have to wait until Monday. The Dr called tonight with good news that the biopsy wasn’t cancer. It was inflammatory tissue (& other words that I didn’t hear because I was still just absorbing the good news.) Yahooooo! NOW I can smile, be relieved & celebrate! 

And I can breathe…

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Just Fishing…

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No, we aren’t fishing just yet. This picture was taken a few years ago of me and my boys fishing at Itasca State Park. (The barn wood frame was made by my husband.) One of my favorite songs is a country song – Just Fishin’ by Trace Adkins. It talks about a dad fishing with his daughter. She thinks they’re just fishing, but they’re really bonding, talking, spending time together. While we tend to focus on big things to do with our kids, sometimes it’s the small stuff that means the most. As my kids get older, I tend to wonder if I’ve done enough with them. Did I do enough of the things that help create those bonds that last forever? Did I listen enough to them when they were smaller to make them feel comfortable talking to me when they get older?

I wonder about these things, and then my 13 year old goes on and on about fishing tackle, kayak modifications for fishing and different kinds of bows and bow hunting… and I think, maybe I’ve done ok. He did his radio commentary for his speech meets about fishing, and how you should go fishing as a family & how it brings you closer as a family. He did this on his own, and reading it kind of made me melt. I’m not telling the story to make you think I’ve got it all together- far from it. I’m telling you so that maybe you realize you’re doing a better job than you think. To my 9 year old, I’m still a super hero but I know that won’t always be the case. This 13 year old boy thing is new territory for both of us though. We are figuring it out together & sometimes I get clues that it’s going to be ok.

 If fishing is something that opens the door to other conversations, then I will get my rod and reel ready. I’ll also be prepared to cook up a fish dinner. And he thinks we’re just fishin’.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. 

Sometimes you just need to say, “why not?”

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Last Saturday, we went skiing for the last time at Andes Tower Hills in Alexandria, MN.  Through the generosity of some wonderful friends & the people at Andes, we were able to enjoy a great skiing season this year. I didn’t count how many times we went, but it was quite a few. We enjoyed our time with family and friends in the crisp northern winter. Saturday was unusually warm… 60+ in March isn’t very common. It was the last day that they were going to be open, so we went. Even by 11am, there were areas of slush on the hills. They have an event called “the pond plunge” – where you ski down one of the steepest hills into a pool of water at least 10 feet long. Most people end up falling in & the water is very cold. Only a few glide across. Some people dress up in shorts or scuba gear or Hawaiian outfits as they go down. My husband decided to ski down the bunny hill instead of the big hill as Elf on the Shelf. “Why not?!” The kids thought it was great. The people who know him didn’t bat an eye – of course it’s something he would do. He got asked, “oh you must be doing the pond plunge?” He said, “Nope, just having fun!”

This month, I’m trying an Ayurveda digestive reset. “Why not?” One week of food journaling, one week of clean eating, one week of kitchari, another week of clean eating. The first week, I said goodbye to some downfalls- donuts, burgers, pizza, etc. This week, I’ve gone 3 days without added sugar. I’m admittedly a band wagon jumper. I’ve tried lots of things in the past, but this is more about jump starting a healthier eating style & finding my triggers. I eat when I’m frustrated or bored… I bake when I’m stressed. If I want this past year’s cancer to be my last, I need to make some changes. “Why not?”

Change is scary. Adjusting to the new normal takes time. Learning to adapt is something they don’t talk to you about after the active treatment is over. Similar things when you have a tragic event – PTSD. Doctors treat your physical body and send you on your way. Lots of emotional things change too. One thing that might happen is a realization that life is short, so don’t wait. Tell your friends and family what they mean to you. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Do something scary. Try something new. Ski in an Elf costume or try a new diet… “Why not?!”