Tag: #breastcancer

The birds & the bears…

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I realized it’s been quite a while since I’ve written a post. I’ve started several, but something silly happened. I noticed that my blog was read around the world. Literally – people from other countries were reading my blogs. And as cool and humbling as that was, it scared me. I don’t really like to “be seen.” Since then, I’ve been taking some writing classes and some self development type classes. I realized now is the time to step forward. So here I am again 😉.

The necklace above is one I bought for myself. Someone once told me that my spirit animal is a bear. Whether or not you believe in that kind of thing doesn’t really matter to me – I thought it was cool & appropriate. I am fiercely protective of my two “cubs”… but not only them… I’m protective of those I’m close to. Make fun of my kid? Mama bear comes out. Make my sister sad? Mama bear again. Make my friend cry? Yep, Mama bear. The bear holding the fish was at our house when we bought it. We thought of getting rid of it, but I think it needs to stay. It’s a reminder to me of my strength. It also reminds me that I need to be aware of my mama bear and sometimes back off. I can’t rush in to save the day. I can’t beat up the bully or take revenge on a mean person. Sometimes people need to wade their way through their own battles and learn to find their inner bear. It’s really difficult though. My controlling nature and desire for my loved ones to be happy makes it hard to keep the bear silent. Instead, I just need to tell them, “I’m here for you.” I think they know if they ever really needed my mama bear side, it would be there.

These two pictures are of a cardinal bird Mom in our shrub & of the nest itself. She guarded the eggs for quite a while. We didn’t touch them – we just observed. Then one day there was an egg missing. Two days later, the other egg was missing. We assume it was the red squirrel, but we can’t be sure. What does this have to do with anything? My own nest was partially empty this week. Our oldest son was at FFA camp, and I felt “off.” School is out and summer activities have begun. We are working a lot on our farm to get things planted and nurtured and watered…. but something was missing. Work went on for me as normal and our youngest had band camp & golf lesson, but something was missing. I felt like that mama bird must have felt when her first egg was gone. Luckily, mine returns today.

I realized part of the reason it bothered me was because I couldn’t control what was happening. He was only 2 hrs away, but I didn’t know what he was up to. I didn’t know if he was behaving, or brushing his teeth or being kind to others. Whew. Control. Something I will need to keep working on. Keep letting him explore and experience, while keeping my mama bird & mama bear off to the sideline.

On your journey of enough, I hope you have a mama bear friend… but I also hope you find the one inside of you. It’s there. I wish you peace and awareness and acceptance. You are enough. You’ve always been enough.

So close…

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Do you ever feel like this pool ball? Do you feel on the edge – soooo close, just not quite there? What’s the thing you need to push you forward or onto something great? How long will you sit there?

A few things happened to me after I had cancer. Aside from physical changes, my outlook on life changed some also. “Life is too short” took on a whole new meaning for me. I would sit at my desk job, feeling bad because I wasn’t making a difference in the world.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Life is too short to be stressed.

Life is too short to be angry.

Life is too short to _____ (fill in the blank).

I might not be “changing the world” like I envisioned, but I am changing my world and my family’s world. I’ve tried a bunch of new things in the last 3 years… I joined a wine club, taken a Healing Touch class, joined a church small group, become a co-chair of our Relay for Life team, taken intuition & spirit classes and shot a bow & arrow. Do you ever get a whispering feeling nudging you in a certain direction? If you don’t pay attention to it, does it get louder? Are you like the pool ball, sitting on the edge? Don’t let fear hold you back. There is a Christian radio song called “Fear is a Liar.” It’s a great song. Fear is a liar. It will try to keep you small and safe and comfortable. Don’t believe the lies.

On your journey of enough, I hope you listen to the nudge instead of just sitting on the edge. I hope you take a risk, make someone smile, try something new, meet a new friend, experience something amazing. Peace be with you on your journey. Life really is short – make the most of it.

What NOT to do…

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We are used to seeing signs and messages about what NOT to do… No parking, no smoking, no loitering. We don’t think twice about their meaning. For the most part, they are straight forward and make sense. But what about people? Do you have people in your life who are showing you what NOT to do? Sometimes, I feel like we ignore those people as being signs or teachers. We dismiss them as being annoying or mean or frustrating, but maybe they have a message for us.

If everyone crosses our path for a reason, the difficult people are there for a reason too. For example, the person who is really prejudiced…did they teach you to be more accepting of others? The person who is ungrateful and rude…did they teach you to use softer words and say “thank you” more? I feel like if someone is in my path to teach me something, they won’t leave until I learn it… or someone new and similar will show up. Sometimes it’s a reflection on how I talk to myself (mean things in my head about my weight or writing or parenting). Until I fix or heal those things, I will keep getting opportunities to learn more.

There are plenty of people who are good examples too. The people who you admire, look up to or strive to be like – they also have something to teach us. If we see something positive in others, we should look for it in ourselves too. So, if you are also a teacher for others, what are you going to choose to be?… the positive example or the example of what NOT to do? Each day on Earth, we have a choice. On your journey of enough, I hope you will be a positive example to others and learn from those who can’t seem to find a silver lining.

“Can we fix it?”

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When our oldest son was growing up, he loved Bob the Builder. It was (maybe still is) a cartoon about a construction guy named Bob, who had talking vehicles that helped him fix things. Their slogan was, “Can we fix it? Yes, we can!” And there was a song that followed. My husband stayed at home with the boys when they were little, so he heard this song… a LOT. One day, he got tired of it, and switched it to the Spanish version. Since we don’t know much Spanish, he thought it would quickly get shut off because it would be too confusing. He was wrong. Instead, it seemed like a fun new adventure to hear things in a whole new way.

I’m finding myself wanting to “fix” things that aren’t mine to fix. My life path is taking a bit of a detour/side road, and the control freak side of me is wanting to call in Bob the Builder. If I could just “fix” it and make it all better, then life could go on as planned… or would it? Would it turn into a version that I couldn’t understand, trying to figure out how to switch the remote back?We usually have “rear-view mirror” epiphanies… it’s sometimes easy to see what our lesson was after the fact. In the middle of it, it’s messy and confusing & feels like we are watching an episode that we don’t know how to follow along with.

Sometimes we try to “fix things” with external stuff in hopes it will fill us up. (Mine was Caribou coffee, sunshine, peanut butter & chocolate, as shown in the picture) Sometimes we use music or meditation to distract us a bit. When we try to use alcohol or drugs to escape and not deal with it at all, it does not make it go away. Whatever we are supposed to learn is still there.

I’m trying to learn how to be mindful and set intentions in my day. Some days it’s great and keeps me moving forward. Some days, like yesterday, I can almost see it going down the drain. It’s an old school merry-go-round with nobody to stop it. Too many things just out of my control…. but I have to stop. And breathe. And realize there is a lesson in this somewhere. It might take me years to see it… but it’s there. Something is happening to help me grow & teach me what I need to know to move forward. My mentor frequently says, “Things are happening FOR you, not TO you. Look for the blessings.” I’m learning a lot this week. Perhaps you are too. Some things aren’t mine to fix, and that is OK.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough… Peace to fill you as you sit in the sunshine, peace to fill you as you look for the light. Peace… (and some chocolate or coffee) Take a deep breath and smile, even if you don’t mean it yet. I hope soon you will.

Friday the 13th…

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It’s Friday the 13th. This is my black cat. Did you worry about this day? Were you anticipating the bad things that would happen? If you were planning on the day being bad or full of mishaps you were probably right. If you hadn’t noticed what day it was, or weren’t worried about what would happen, you were also probably right.

I’m learning about the power of thoughts… the background noise in our heads (Some is louder than others). What does your background noise sound like? Is it positive or negative. Whatever it is, it will shape your day. Do you plan on something going wrong? Then it’s likely it will. Do you look for the silver lining? Then it’s likely you will find it. “Thoughts become things.” I’m not sure who said it originally, but my boss said it recently & it really stuck. The saying, along with several classes I’m taking and groups I am a part of – has me shifting my thoughts. My black cat isn’t bad luck. The 13th day of the month doesn’t make it worse, regardless of the day it falls on in the week. Each day we have a choice to make… will it be a good day or a bad day? Some things are out of our control, but our reactions are within our control. If lots of things seem to be going wrong, search for the good. Find one thing, even a small thing & be thankful for that. The next day, try to find two positive things.

I wish you luck on your journey of enough, but mostly I wish you peace and happiness. I wish for you to experience joy and gratitude. Once you do, I hope you will share the good with others… share a smile, a word of encouragement, a compliment. You may be their “one thing” that they are thankful for today.

Embracing 3 years…

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Some people will ignore this as “just another cancer anniversary post, but it’s more than that. 3 years ago today, I rang the bell as a cancer survivor. I still carry the card with me from the cancer center:

“Ring this bell Three times well Its toll to clearly say, My treatment’s done This course is run And I am on my way.”

I brought my family with me that day. I almost didn’t. I was tired from the radiation & hadn’t thought about “bothering them” to come and be with me. Bothering. How often do we not let others help us or let them in because we don’t want to bother them? Way too often. 3 years ago, I almost stood there by myself because I didn’t want to be a bother. I already had way too much attention on me. I already felt bad about so much time being spent on me. So many times throughout my cancer treatments, I didn’t want to be a bother. I didn’t want to ask for help with meals or call someone just to talk about “normal life” or let someone clean my house.

We do this regardless if we have cancer or not. We don’t think that we are worth someone’s time. We are wrong. My mom would have loved it if I bothered her more to help me or to just listen. My friend would have felt useful if I would have bothered her more to bring a meal or just visit over coffee. We need to realize that we are not a bother or a waste of time. We are worthy. The worth needs to come from within. You need to believe it first. Once you do, you can let people in. Sure, that can be scary… there is usually a fear of rejection. But what if they say “yes” and they would love to help/listen/visit/clean? They will feel great for being there for you & you will feel great because some burden has been lifted from your shoulders.

In honor of my 3 year anniversary, I invite you to write down all of the ways you think you are a bother. Write them on a piece of paper. Then shred the paper or (safely) burn it. Do NOT hold onto it. Get rid of that – let it go. Then fill yourself up with something good, something you enjoy. I wish you peace on your journey. You are not alone, you are not a bother, and you ARE enough!

Learn from the bad, remember the good…

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99 what??

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

99 problems?

Nope. My grandma would have been 99 on Easter. She was an April Fool’s baby. Her birthday was always easy for me to remember. This picture was taken 5 years ago. (It’s a little blurry but you get the idea) My son was 6 at the time. He could make her smile like nobody else could. He would visit with her and wasn’t scared of older people like some kids are. She passed away at 95. I can’t even imagine all of the change she saw in her lifetime. She lived through the depression. She raised 10 kids. She didn’t lead an easy life, but it was full. One thing I will always remember is how much my grandparents loved each other. They would hold hands, giggle/laugh and have fun. They loved to dance when they were able, before arthritis made it difficult for grandma to walk. They played cards together and with friends. It wasn’t that they never fought, but they must have forgiven… found a way to come together despite their differences. It’s the kind of relationship I’ve wanted to emulate. Maybe it’s part of the reason I married my husband- I’d always be sure to laugh.

I don’t know all of the details of their bad times. I don’t know about the depression of the 30’s and 40’s, shortages of food or money, or what it’s like to lose a child. I feel like both of my grandparents would say, “Learn from the bad times, but remember the good times.” They weren’t negative people. They didn’t dwell on the crummy stuff in the past. They learned from those experiences, but I feel like they remembered the good instead of the struggles.

Same goes for the memories of them. I feel like they would want the good times to come to mind first… the big family gatherings, the laughter, the food shared, the games and the fun. Sometimes I find myself dwelling in the past. I feel guilty for yelling at my 3 yr old (12 years ago!), or regret words said or things I did in high school (even longer ago!!) I need to honor those things as a part of what shaped my story, but it’s not my current story. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move forward.

We recently went on a “spring break” trip to learn about making maple syrup and then to Nashville, Memphis & Bowling Green. Will my kids remember every detail from the trip? No. I hope they have a general memory that it was a fun trip, including the Grand Ole Opry, the Bass Pyramid & the Corvette Museum. They (hopefully) won’t remember the argument about Algebra before hand or any of the other small things along the way. Hopefully, they will learn from the Algebra struggles but remember the trip.

We are all too hard on ourselves. We carry around the baggage of the past, unwilling to set it down and hand it over because we’ve gotten comfortable with it. It’s ok to set it down. It’s ok to write a new chapter to your story. This is your journey- make the most of it. When you lay down the baggage of the past, you make more room for great new experiences.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you always learn from the bad, but remember the good!!

Eraser tip that makes you hold your breath…

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An eraser tip. You know what I’m talking about. It’s usually perched on the top of a #2 pencil. But why hold your breath? Are you taking a test? Kind of…

As a cancer survivor, self checks are important but scary. A few weeks ago, I felt a lump on my left side. This was the side I had cancer on, had a lumpectomy & radiation. I thought maybe it was my imagination… maybe it wasn’t new. Maybe it was scar tissue. Maybe if I don’t think about it or talk about it, it won’t happen. If thoughts become things, I don’t want this to be either. So I told nobody. Not one person. I knew my oncology follow up was coming up soon, so I’d have it checked then.

Breathe…

My appointment was on a Friday afternoon. It works out well because I miss less work and the parking is way better also. I assured everyone it was a routine check up and it wouldn’t take long. When I mentioned the lump to the Dr, his face turned serious. He knew that an eraser tip could change my life again. He could feel the lump I was talking about & immediately called to see if they could get an ultrasound done yet that same day (Friday afternoon, what are the odds?). Odds or spirit or God or good vibes- something was working because I got in right away. It was 4:30 by the time I got up there. I knew the routine, but I still felt like I was holding my breath.

Breathe…

Cold ultrasound gel goes on. “Oh, this spot here?”… yep – not my imagination. “It’s probably nothing.” Forgive me for not believing you, but I’ve heard that before (I said in my head). She went to talk to the Dr. Then the Dr came in to look for herself. She pointed the screen towards me and explained what she was seeing… normal tissue, muscle & the lump… it was just a fatty tissue. Nothing to worry about.

Breathe…

Routine breast MRI was coming due soon also. I asked if I could have it done here to save me a trip. Sure enough, they could get me in the following Thursday. Excellent! Again, supposed to be routine, but this would see deeper & clearer and be confirmation of how good things are. This MRI room had headphones so you could hear music along with the loud noises of the machine. Nice. For this MRI, you lay on your stomach… arms above your head, chest through two holes in the bottom & you go in head first. It takes about 30-40 min. My mind drifted and raced and calmed.

Breathe…

I was back to work by 9:30am. Excellent. Now to wait. I was surprised to see the Sanford number show up as a missed call and voice mail at 11am. Ugh. Voice mail? They don’t call that quick and not with good news. I called back. “Your MRI was all clear.” 5 words that made me feel like cheering. Wheew.

Breathe…

In 6 months, I’ll have a mammogram again, but until then, I can breathe. I may never look at an eraser the same way again though. One thing I’m learning is to stop and breathe. On your journey of enough may you take the time to breathe deeply. Whatever you’re going through, stop and take a good deep breath. You’re alive, you’re here, and you are enough. Exhale.

International Women’s Day

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Yesterday, these flowers arrived on my desk. A random act of kindness from my best friend. While some people may see a beautiful spring bouquet, I see support. I see an invisible bond, unbroken by 112 mile distance. I see a friend who would give me a hug if she was physically here. I see reassurance that I’m not alone. I see acknowledgement that some days, this “Mom” thing can be hard… but together we are stronger.

I didn’t do anything special for International Women’s Day. It was a pretty normal Thursday for me. One difference was that these flowers greeted me this morning… a reminder that I’m in someone else’s thoughts (& actual prayers). What if we supported each other more as women? What if we compared less and complimented more? What if we were accepted just as we are? What if we cheered each other on more? I feel like there is such a struggle to prove ourselves as being enough…. but not too much! Be assertive, but not too bossy. Be kind, but not too soft. Be smart, but not too much of a “know it all.” Be a successful businesswoman, but still a good mom.

I’ve joined a few online groups in the past year- the members are mainly women. While some days I feel like sharing with them, other times I feel not enough. Not because of anything they’ve said – it’s in my head. All of the “what if’s” that are really ridiculous worries – that likely are lies- come flooding into my head. Part of it is breaking out of my introvert shell & letting people in. Do you know what I mean? It’s scary. It’s unfamiliar…. but, it’s possible. Good things can come from this too. I’ve met some amazing people. It will take a while before I randomly send them flowers, but maybe I should. It could likely make their day – or at least make them smile (every time they see them).

Whatever you chose to do on this day, I hope you will remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH. Each and every day. Show up for yourself, be kind to yourself & spread that kind kindness to others. Peace be with you today.

Why are you here?

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If you’ve ever used the “Yelp” app, it’s pretty handy. We use it a lot when we travel, to find places to eat. There are reviews from customers & usually some details about hours, price, menu etc. When we went to St.Louis at the end of last summer, we used it to find IMO’s pizza. We took a break from our BBQ coma and tried something different. It was a small little pizza joint in a strip mall, but there were a few of them around the city. We ordered a couple of different kinds so we could try them out. (This was my first experience eating eggs on pizza)

We must have asked some silly questions & we obviously had an accent compared to St. Louis, so the ladies asked us where we were from. When we said MN, they all looked shocked. “Why are you HERE??!,” said one of them with a confused look on her face. We told them that we had gotten some cheap airline tickets and had never been here before, so we thought, “What the heck?” They thought it was so cool that we were from that far away & asked a few questions about the Midwest.

Why did we take a random trip to St.Louis? Because I want my kids to know that their world can be bigger than 1 or 2 states. I remember growing up in ND and several of my classmates had never been to the state capital city of Bismarck (3 hrs away). When our family would take trips, they were usually small day trips around the state. Because we had cattle and sheep (& they like to eat every day), our choices were limited. I went on several trips for school or 4-h as I got older. I’ve never been to any place too extravagant, but I still enjoy the experience of traveling. I want my kids to have those experiences too. Lately, it seems they would rather have a snowmobile instead of a trip, but they still enjoy the trips. Those memories and experiences are something they will always carry with them. So, we will go on another random trip to Nashville for spring break. Instead of going somewhere tropical, we’re going to Nashville. Why? We’ve never been there, the flights were cheap… so, why not?! Maybe someone in Nashville will ask us why we are there.

Whatever journey you’re on, take some time for something new. If you have kids, go places with them. Go to a state park or learn how to make maple syrup or take a random trip to Nashville. While they may not remember specifics 10 yrs later, they will remember that you went… and that will be enough.