Take off the backpack…

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School is just around the corner. It seems like summer just started in MN, and already the aisles of Target are filled with school supplies. I’m not talking about a school backpack, although those can get very heavy. I’m talking about the burdens we carry around daily.

What’s in your backpack? Guilt, shame, responsibility, fear, anger, resentment, comparison, old stories that no longer serve you? If I picture all of the things that are in my backpack, I start to feel the weight of it. At times, it has felt so heavy, I didn’t know if I could move forward. I wanted to just stay in bed, hide from the world and hope it would all go away. I’ve felt the weight of infertility, of being the primary income for our family, of cancer, of my own weight/health… you get the idea. It has also felt like I was carrying the backpack through quicksand at times.

Someone shared with me a valuable exercise… I will share it with you too. We all need reminders that it’s ok to lay those burdens down. Picture that backpack filled with all of your “stuff”… regardless of its size at the moment, picture yourself taking it off. Take the straps off your shoulders. Picture it thumping down to the ground, as the dust flies. Step back from the backpack and lift your arms up. Give it over to God (or your higher power or the universe etc.) and see yourself announcing, “I’m done! This is no longer mine to carry! I give it over to you!” Do you feel physically lighter?

I can hear some of you…”Oh, that’s silly. Why would I do that? Those things define me… I need those burdens.” But do you? Do you really? This isn’t a one time experience… it’s something you have to keep doing. Whether you wait for that backpack to be so full, you can hardly move, or if you lay it down daily, it’s for sure something to do more than once.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you take the time to lay your burdens down…you don’t need them. They don’t serve you!

Stop it…

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I’d like to send a message to doctors & to ladies. Doctors: Stop telling women they don’t need a mammogram. Just stop. Stop saying it’s not needed until 40 or 50 years old. Just stop. I was 41. Two of my friends were also 41. If I hadn’t had a baseline done years prior, they might have dismissed the findings. They might have told me to wait and see if it changed. I heard someone tell the story about their doctor who told them they should just “wait and see” if things changed in 6 months. My cancer grew from nothing to stage 1 in 12 months. I’m so glad I didn’t have to wait until it progressed to stage 2 or 3 or 4.

My friend told me her Doctor said she didn’t need a mammogram even though it was covered by insurance. Thankfully, she didn’t take “no” for an answer. She at least has a baseline to compare others to. Hopefully she never needs it, but it’s there and could possibly save her life.

Ladies, stop. Stop making excuses.

  1. You’re busy. I get it. We are all busy.
  2. You’re scared of having a mammogram. Being told you have cancer is scary. Telling your kids that their mom has cancer is scary.
  3. It hurts. Guess what? Having surgery hurts. It hurts longer than the 45 seconds of having your boob squished for a mammogram. Catching it early makes the treatment less invasive.

My mother-in-law had breast cancer shortly after we were married (more than 20 years ago.) A few years ago, she stopped going in for regular check ups. She stopped putting herself first. We aren’t sure why, and now we won’t get the chance to ask her. She was 70. She didn’t make it to her 71st birthday. She won’t see her grandkids graduate high school or get married. Last Friday we lit a luminaria bag in her memory at our Relay for Life event.

Our Relay for Life is one of the largest in MN. I was co-captain last year and team captain this year. We raise funds all year and our Relay night is 8 hrs long. We don’t go through the night anymore… not enough people stayed that long. I think that’s common for several Relay events. People have other commitments during their short summer. It is a powerful, emotional night. People of all ages wearing purple “survivor” t-shirts walk the survivor lap. I thought for a moment “maybe I shouldn’t go or be involved…. maybe it’s not a big deal.” And then I thought of my mother-in-law, my aunt, my friend’s wife… and I realized it’s a big deal.

My husband took a picture of the survivor on the back of my shirt. At first I thought it was silly, but it’s one of my favorite pictures of the night. My good friend decorated a bag for me with a cat that looks like ours and some chickens in clothes… perfect. It gets to be in honor of me and not in memory.

In general, please stop thinking that being survivor is not a big deal. I have a friend from a recent retreat who is traveling all over the United States to try and find a cure, a solution… something to buy some more time. Life isn’t guaranteed. We don’t know our end date. Supporting the American Cancer Society helps to fund research, provide rooms or travel assistance or valet parking.

It’s a subject that gets me fired up. I am passionate about prevention. If one person gets checked because of this awareness, it’s worth it. Mammograms don’t only happen in October. You can get checked anytime.

Stop and watch a sunset. Stop and smell some flowers (they don’t have to be roses). Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you stop doubting, procrastinating or worrying and start living.

Mooances

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My nephews have started calving. Hundred of babies will soon fill their farm. I few weeks ago, I had posted about them lambing. Now they have lambs and calves. I grew up with both when I was little. We had a small “hobby farm” right in the edge of our small town. We had a handful of cattle and sheep. Enough to keep us busy. Enough to help me appreciate the hard work and care that goes into raising livestock.

I love the feel of new calves’ hair… Soft and curly. I love to watch them chase each other and play tag. I learned a lot from having cattle. When my husband and I were either dating or newly married, we drove by a pasture of cattle. They were all standing in the corner. I said, “it’s going to rain.” He wondered what I was talking about. Cattle gather in the corner before a storm. I’m not sure if the science behind it, but it happens. Another time, there was a group of calves with one cow by them. I remarked, “it’s the babysitter cow.” He thought I was nuts. “There is no such thing as a babysitter cow!” Um, yeah, there is. One cow stays by the calves while the other moms are off eating or something. 

He joked with me, “you should write a book on your cow observations & call it mooances.” I doubt it will be a best seller, since those were my main two observations. Why am I writing about cows? Observation. How often do we go through the motions of our day without really observing what’s around us? Do we notice nature around us? Do we pay attention to our natural roles? We all have a talent or passion for something that leads us to do what we were called to do. Whether it’s a hobby or your job, do something that makes you happy. The next time that someone says, “you’re really good at ___,” take that to heart. It might just be the path that you are supposed to follow. And the next time that you see a pasture of cows & calves, look for the babysitter.

Thank God…

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This is why you wear a seatbelt. This scene is from last weekend. After my niece’s wedding, our 16 year old son was supposed to get up early so he could drive to Albany, MN and meet up with another FFA chapter and go to camp. Only he didn’t make it to the bus. He is ok, but this could easily have been a very different post.

At 5am, after only a few hours of sleep, he got up and got ready to go. I was also tired, so I failed to give him snacks or a pop to help keep him awake. 6:12 am my phone rang. “Mom, I’m not sure how to say this. I’m ok, but I’m in a ditch outside of Lidgerwood. I fell asleep and over corrected and ended up in the ditch.” My heart stopped and I was immediately awake. He was shaken, but ok. I asked if he could drive out and he thought he could. There was grass coming through the hood, but he cleaned some of it out and put the hubcap back on and drove out of the ditch. He was only a mile away from a town, so he pulled into the Cenex to clear some more stuff away, get a drink and be on his way. It was clear the car had more damage than he initially thought. It wasn’t going anywhere. At 6:30am, his FFA advisor isn’t answering his phone and he doesn’t know the people he is supposed to be meeting for the bus ride. He will not make the 8:45am bus. We are an hour away from him and couldn’t drive him there in time.

He eventually got ahold of his advisor who contacted the other chapter and the camp to let them know he would be delayed. My husband drove over to where his car was. We could drive him to camp ourselves, but they’d need to come back and get me and our other son and then go home and drop them off.

His seatbelt saved his life. He was tired, going 64 mph on cruise, trying to stay awake. Window down, then up, shifting in his seat, radio on… until he heard the tires hit the gravel on the left side of the road. He startled awake and over corrected, swerved back and forth and slammed into the ditch. Thank God it was 6am on Sunday morning, so there was no traffic. He could have hit someone. Thank God he wasn’t on the interstate. Thank God he was wearing his seatbelt, or he would have been thrown through the front windshield and the car would have driven over him. Thank God he didn’t roll it. Thank God he didn’t fall asleep 10 seconds later because he would have ended up in a ditch full of water. Thank God he is ok. Thank God he learned a lesson in a non-fatal way.

He learned a few things:

  1. Wear your seatbelt, even if it’s not “cool.”
  2. Driving while tired is dangerous.
  3. Do not drive with the cruise on if you are sleepy.
  4. Have snacks or drinks along to help keep you awake.
  5. North Dakota mud will turn to a clay brick if it dries.

Shaken and probably suffering from whiplash, he still went to camp. I drove him the 2 hours from our house up there. He was be able to catch the bus back home, or at least to Albany. “Mom, I could have died. It all happened so fast.” Yes, yes I know. I am beyond thankful for the angels watching over you, tapping you on the shoulder and helping you to wake up. I’m thankful that God spared your life that Sunday morning.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough & always wear your seatbelt!

I didn’t breathe…

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This was me on Saturday at my niece’s wedding. It was 90 degrees in ND on a hot summer night. The gym (where the reception & dance were held) was air conditioned, but it just couldn’t keep up with having over 300 people, the humid weather and doors opening. The humidity isn’t the reason why I didn’t breathe. I didn’t breathe because I was running around, trying to make it all perfect, and I failed to fully take it all in. The day went by almost as fast as my own wedding and I didn’t stop and take a breath.

My oldest sister’s oldest daughter got married Saturday. My husband and I were asked to be a host couple, and I offered to bake cupcakes. My love language is “acts of service,” followed by “words of affirmation.” People who know me will totally understand. I like to “do” and to help. (If baking was a love language, that would be on the list too. We made around 400 cupcakes with homemade frosting.) I’m not sure what a typical host couple does at weddings, but my planning & control freak sides take over and I become the Energizer bunny. I helped with my nephew’s wedding a few years ago also. The reception was in the same place, so I was somewhat familiar. It’s an old school, no longer used as a school but as an antique shop and community center. The gym is beautiful and makes a great wedding reception venue. The town itself isn’t really even a town anymore. They don’t appear on the list of ND town census. There is literally one street. I think there are 2 or 3 houses.

Big dark thunderstorm clouds loomed on the horizon as we took some family pictures outside. The temperature dropped a few degrees, and it appeared as though we would get drenched, but the rains stayed away. The wedding was beautiful. My niece was stunning and her groom had the biggest smile… just as it should be. She had planned everything, had a budget, an itinerary, and a vision of how things would look. It all looked magical. Everyone seemed to have a good time. It was hot, but we had lots of bottled water for the guests. There were snacks and bars and hundreds of cupcakes.

“You should really sit down.” I’m pretty sure I heard that phrase 20 times that night. In my mind, a good event is one where things are tidy and there are extra paper towels and toilet paper and the garbages are taken care of. The snack table is refilled, the lemonade is cold, there is plenty of water and the tables are cleared of plates & cups and half eaten bars. That was my job, at least in my head. For as many times as someone told me to stop running around, my niece and her new husband said, “thank you.” A sincere, loving, heart felt appreciation for what was being done… so they could just enjoy their wedding.

One of my aunts sent me a note the next day. She said, “I watched you scan the room and take care of every detail.” I didn’t do this for recognition or praise. I did it as an act of service. A few years ago, after my brother-in-law’s farm accident, we didn’t know if he’d get to walk his daughter down the aisle… but he did. I also

did this for him and my sister, so they could also enjoy the night.

I did dance a few songs with my husband. (We can two step to almost anything.) I wish I would have stopped a little more though, just to breathe deep. I should have taken it all in. I should have absorbed that love and joy and newness of marriage.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you stop and take a breath amidst the chaos. May you look for the good and focus on the blessings. The more you focus on the blessings, the more abundant they become. They sure were abundant for these newlyweds. Wishing them many years of wedded bliss. I’d do it all again, but next time, I’ll breathe more.

Mother hen…

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This past weekend, our youngest son turned 13. We officially have 2 teenagers in the house. Our worries about nap times and eating vegetables has changed to curfews and preparing them to be on their own. My biggest goal is to make sure they are good humans. Not perfect, free from flaws or mistakes, but nice and kind and compassionate. Unfortunately, that might be why they keep getting repeated lessons about how it feels when someone isn’t nice or kind or compassionate. Will they make mistakes? Yep. Will they make bad choices? Probably. My hope is that they learn from them and make different choices going forward.

My husband said something this weekend that made me stop and think. On our way back up to the house (after working in the garden), I mentioned about how much I love the 10 chickens we have. I also said I was kind of surprised and I had not expected to care for them as much as I do. He didn’t seem shocked at all. “They’re kind of like kids, you know? You get to mother them.” Huh. I’m the mother hen. This made me laugh, but it also made sense. As my kids move towards independence, they need me less. These chickens depend on me for food and water and to keep them safe. I’m not comparing my kids to chickens, and I certainly love my kids more than the birds. It’s just different.

My chickens don’t “bawk” at me posting photos of them. (Ha ha) They don’t care how they look or if a feather is out of place. Nobody will make fun of them. This is Teriyaki in the photo with me. We think she’s a girl but we don’t know for sure. If she starts crowing one day, we will still think “he” is cute and know that he likes clover and loves to sit on your lap.

If you Google “mother hen,” it says:

noun

INFORMAL
  1. a person who sees to the needs of others, especially in a fussy or interfering way.

Yeah, I probably am a mother hen. I guess I will be fussy with my chickens, but I’ll still be interfering with my kids. I’ll interfere enough so they know I care, but not too much to drive them away. I want them to be able to talk to me. I want them to know they are loved. I want them to have fond memories. I want them to remember the summer we got chickens and the chicken cupcakes I made. (Even though the birthday boy asked what they were supposed to be!)

Mother hen, mama bear, mommy shark, mama llama… I’m probably a bit of all of them. My heart expanded to add the chickens, they didn’t replace anything. I’m thankful to get to be a mother. It wasn’t an easy road, and I know there are moms who have lost kids or women who wish to be moms who cannot. It’s a special bond.

God doesn’t “mother hen” us. He isn’t fussy or forceful or interfering. He wants a relationship with us, but many times we are like the teenager, rolling our eyes. Take some time to sit in nature, watch the birds or dragonflies or fireflies and connect back to God. He’s the safe place where you can land. He’s the loving father who knows we still need him, even if we act like we can do it all ourselves.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I wish you a good summer, and if you see me in person, I’ll probably show you pictures of my chickens.

I can still hear her laugh…

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5 years ago last week, my last grandparent passed away… my mom’s mother. My grandma celebrated 95 years on this earth. She was a mother to 10 kids, and a wife to the same man until his death in 2006. I don’t have as many young memories of my grandparents as my sisters do. They are 7 & 9 years older than me and were some of the first grandkids. They remember visits to the farm. I remember a few Christmases there. I remember one Christmas when my younger cousins threw hangers at me in the spare bedroom. My uncle came in to scold them & he was my hero from then on. I remember sleeping in my Crayons sleeping bag by the tree. I remember their big table full of people. I remember the upstairs where my mom and her siblings grew up. I remember the “creepy basement” where my uncles sometimes had fox furs from trapping. I remember that she had a drawer of goodies… candies, marshmallows, chocolate chips etc. It was a drawer the grandkids would sneak a treat from and she’d just wink. And her laugh. I’ll never forget her laugh.

After my grandpa passed away, we were sure she wouldn’t be far behind. They were soul mates. They were the kind of grandparents who held hands and smiled at each other with love. The kind of grandparents you would look at and say, “That’s what I want when I am older.” I want someone to help me up out of my chair, to make sure my favorite treat was in the house and to play cards with me and my widow lady friends. They had a tough life. They lived through the depression. They weren’t rich financially, but they were rich in love. Their family gatherings just kept growing, as more kids were married, added children of their own, and even grandkids. I have over 20 cousins, several of whom are married and have kids of their own. We have a reunion coming up, and we will have almost 90 people attending, and there are 35 who cannot make it.

I think it’s awesome when kids can think of their grandparents and smile. The things they will remember might surprise you. I remember my grandma’s chicken shaped cookie jar but I don’t remember the chickens. I remember her white, curly hair and her crochet angels. I remember when they moved to town and we would play cards in the basement. I remember their big freezer always had ice cream treats. I think of her often, and always with fondness. Even when she would tell goofy stories or not fully know who we were, she was still in there. It was more difficult to see her that way, but when I remember her, I remember the fun little things.

I hope it’s that same way for me someday. I hope someday I’ll have grandkids (but not for a while). I hope I’ll be goofy and fun and do the things I wished I would have done with my kids… play more games, eat dessert first, laugh more. Maybe they’ll remember my curly hair, or my treat drawer (just like my grandma Lil’s). On your journey of enough, I hope you have some warm memories to make you smile. I still can get my grandma’s laugh, 5 years after she passed. Hold onto the good memories. Listen in the silence for the laughter of your loved ones. They’d love to hear you laugh too!

Chicken doodles…

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These are our 10 baby chickens. We got them the end of May. This is our first time having chickens. Prior to moving to Minnesota, the only pets we ever had were gold fish and beta fish. We’ve added a cat and now 10 chickens (we had a little turtle for a while but he didn’t make it.) We kept the chicks in the garage until it warmed up a little more and they could be in their outside coop. This made for an interesting situation with the cat…

It’s actually been better than I thought. The cat has not tried to eat the chickens. He leaves them alone most of the time. Occasionally, he will stare at them from his perch. He has been a little jealous of his chicken garage mates. “Why are they so cute? Why do they get a xylophone?”

They’ve grown so much in just a few weeks. Now they are in their outside coop with a little area to run in the daytime. We are still learning more about them. Now the cat kind of ignores the chickens if he’s outside. They all have names and one was named by my aunt in Texas. (Their names are Hawk, Butterscotch, Daisy, Henrietta, Col.Sanders, Cluck Norris, Sesame, Teryaki, Noodle and Fancy Pants)

I never knew they would have neat personalities. I worry about them when it storms. I know which ones like to eat out of your hand and which ones like to sit on your lap. They are softer than I could have imagined.

Why chickens?

  • We have the land/area for it.
  • We only have 1 neighbor.
  • They eat bugs.
  • I’ve always wanted to raise chickens.
  • We will know what’s in their feed and will have eggs in a few months.
  • I think it’s a good thing to be able to raise and care for an animal.
  • It teaches compassion and responsibility.
  • They make me feel young.

I never imagined my journey would include chickens. My dad thinks I’m silly. (Often reminds me of how cheap eggs are in the store) One of my sisters is not a fan of birds in general, but she is happy for me. My point in sharing my chicken story? Be open to new possibilities… it may just open your heart. I’m excited for all we will learn from our back yard chicken doodles. What new thing will you invite into your life?

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If chicken xylophones make you laugh, go for it. Life’s short… make it an adventure!

So many journeys…

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Graduations and weddings… the season for both has begun. While some colleges graduate in May, many high schools in this area are just graduating now. I’m 2 years away from having a high school graduate. I feel like I will be prepared in a logistical/planning sense for a graduation party. I’m sure there will be lists involved, a spreadsheet or two, and a “honey-do” of projects to complete before we have a house full of grad party guests. I guess it doesn’t happen everywhere, but in the upper Midwest, high school graduation parties are a big deal. People paint their houses, remodel parts of their kitchen, spend hours cleaning and organizing and get enough food ready for hundreds of guests. Most of these people won’t be familiar with my house, so they won’t know if I repainted or fixed something up. Quite frankly, if they are there to judge my house, they shouldn’t have come. I hope they will be there to support our son or be there for us. I want to make sure he’s ready for his journey and has people who truly care about him and support him. When I graduated high school, almost everyone in my class went to college. It was just what you were “supposed” to do. It is far more common now to have high school graduates going to a trade school or into the military or right into the work force. Everyone’s journey is different & we need all kinds of skills and trades.

Wedding season has also begun (at least up here where it gets super cold in the winter). I spent part of the weekend with my oldest niece, who is getting married at the end of June. She will start her journey of marriage and moving to a new state. We had a little bachelorette party to celebrate with her. What advice would I give her? I’m not sure I listened to much wedding advice before I was married, but there are some things I’ve held onto over the last (almost) 24 years of marriage:

  • Never go to bed angry. This is difficult some days, but I do think it’s important.
  • Be on the same page about the “big” things in your life… values, family, religion, etc.
  • Respect each other.
  • Laugh together.
  • Spend time together & really get to know each other.
  • Love each other – say it and show it.
  • Take the trips. Big or small, you will not regret taking trips together.
  • Enjoy the journey.

One day, you will wake up and 24 years will have flown by. You’ll both have grey hair (his will look distinguished and yours might be hidden by some color). Your size and shape won’t be what it used to be. Your 2-3 tiny humans will be as tall as you. Hopefully, your love will remain strong and you can think back to these days before your wedding and remember how madly in love you were. And you’ll smile because you would still chose each other all over again.

If you’re graduating, having a graduate, getting married or having kids getting married, I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you enjoy your journey, soak up the experiences and laugh along the way.

#IintrovertSoHard

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I recently traveled to CA for my niece’s graduation. She is the last niece on my side (of 6 nieces and nephews), and my Godchild. To get from MSP to San Jose, CA, I flew through Denver. I had a layover and then they said there was an hour delay. They changed the gate 5 different times and then moved up the departure time so it was only 10 minutes late instead of an hour. While on the plane, and waiting in the airport, I had time to finish a book. #IMOMSOHARD is a book from 2 moms who also have a YouTube and Instagram page dedicated to telling it like it is… messy and tiring and sometimes requiring wine. I’m not much of a drinker anymore. I think I took care of that in my younger years. I did take Southwest up on their free drink coupon though.

On one leg of the flight, the WiFi wasn’t working, so I read some more and rested a little. I also sponged though. (It’s kind of a nicer term for eavesdropping) The flight from Denver to MSP was full. A couple in their 60’s boarded after me. They took aisle seats across from each other. A lady who was traveling alone asked if she could sit in the middle seat. She made sure the wife didn’t want to sit by the husband. They both prefer aisles. She said to him, “You two are the cutest couple. Are you newlyweds?” He chuckled. “Yes, we are,” he said with a grin. “We’ve been married only 38 years.” Without having to say a word, I learned the woman next to me had 4 boys and a girl, all grown. The man had two sons, a doctor and lawyer in New York.

The last few minutes was the only time I talked. She commented on all of the water/lakes. I told her that MN is the land of 10,000 lakes. She was surprised by how flat it was. She said Carson Wentz is her favorite player (after I told her I was from ND originally). It’s ironic to me that I write a blog anyone can read, yet I avoid making small talk on a plane. Introverted. Text book introvert.

Before graduation, we cleaned, made food, did landscaping, set everything up, ran errands, decorated and arranged flowers. We got the chocolate fountain ready and had food options for everyone. At the graduation party, I made sure the food was refilled, the drinks were chilled, the chocolate fountain had plenty of berries & treats to dip, and the garbages were emptied. When the guests had all gone home, my sister said she felt bad that I had spent all my time in the kitchen. My niece said, “Oh no, that’s where she prefers to be.” And she was right. I didn’t have to do much small talk. I was able to be helpful and let my sister and nieces visit with their guests. Yep, it’s totally where I want to be. This is the 5th of 6 graduation parties I have helped with (along with a wedding, bridal shower, baptism etc). I’d much rather be the one making sure things run smoothly, (quietly refilling the chips) than being the center of attention. #introvert.

I’m so glad I made the trip. I’m glad my husband took care of things at home. I’m glad my sister let me help (and give honest opinions). I’m glad her cat was excited to see me. I’m glad my niece had a great party. And, I’m glad I’m an introvert, because that’s part of my journey and it makes me enough. I don’t have to be outgoing or social or vibrant. I can be behind the scenes, and it’s helpful enough. Whatever your skill is, embrace it. Whatever you love to do, do more of that. Those who love you will still love you and those who don’t aren’t worth your time.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have your very own gluten-free funfetti bundt cake to make you feel extra special… because you are.

(Photo of my niece, Emily on her high school graduation day)