It’s usually not a statement that ends in a question mark, but this is a different kind of anniversary. A year ago today, I heard those words “I don’t know how to tell you over the phone, but it came back positive for breast cancer”.  I’m not very good with remembering dates, but I have a feeling I will always remember that day, one year ago. I was teaching a class at work when I got the call. I remember talking to the Dr on the phone in the hall, hanging up & going back to teaching. Then there was another interruption from the nurse navigator who helped to set up a string of appointments to help determine my path. Back to teaching & back to work. I remember those things but I don’t remember how I told my husband, mom & dad or sisters. I had already gone into fight mode & was overwhelmed at the info coming at me. I do remember that I had to go to Dallas’ Christmas program that night & try to be “ok” for my kids. We would wait until we knew more before telling them. We wanted to give them info and not scare them with the unknown… although there would still be plenty of unknowns.

I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary today. This past weekend though, my husband Cameron and I snuck away to Vegas. It was a celebration of our 20 year wedding anniversary. 20 yrs ago, we honeymooned in Vegas and it only seemed fitting that we return. This time we went to the National Finals Rodeo “Tough enough to wear pink” night. We saw a show, had meals together & had some drinks. We walked about 30 miles in 3 days. We laughed so much that if laughter is the best medicine, then we cured a year’s worth of struggles. I realize we were just gone, but that was different… that was our whole family. Vegas was just us. We haven’t been there in 4 years & given the timing of the “new anniversary” it was great to get away together. The last year has been harder on Cameron than it might seem. This was my thank you to him. I wouldn’t be where I am without him.

Elf is our favorite movie. Especially Cameron. He knows almost every line to the movie. It’s a feel good movie and it’s a classic. He’s wanted to get an Elf costume and walk Vegas ever since we were there last. He had gotten the costume last year and wore it for Black Friday shopping. We took it to Vegas this past weekend. Although he didn’t stand still long enough to get tips or photos, he made a bunch of people smile. And isn’t that part of the Christmas season? Sharing smiles & making people feel good? We think so. We didn’t care how silly we looked because, one year ago, we had no idea where our journey would take us. The fact that we could walk around Vegas together is amazing & we are thankful for our journey. So, happy anniversary of two life changing events. I’m thankful & blessed. Peace be with you this Christmas season. May you make someone else smile.  

 

Source: Tradition & perspective 

This time of year makes me think of pumpkin pie and Black Friday shopping. For many years, we’ve had a pretty traditional Thanksgiving…traditional in my world. Sometimes we forget that not everyone does things the same way. While big meals with family & some crazy Black Friday shopping is traditional for me, I realize it’s not for everyone. Not everyone can do that or wants to. Not everyone has family to be with or the means to have a big meal. The long holiday break isn’t always a fun time. If you don’t have a loving family to be with or if you have to worry about eating at all, let alone a big meal, then this long weekend might be one of dread. I never realized that until my husband started working at the school. It has given me a whole new perspective & changed my idea of what to be thankful for. Add on a cancer diagnosis, battle and “win” & it certainly changed my ideas of thankfulness. 

We become aware of these things to be thankful for when they are challenged or taken away. I guarantee I wasn’t thankful to be able to walk until I broke my foot. I wasn’t thankful to be able to open a door until I was healing from surgery & radiation and such a simple task was painful. I wasn’t thankful enough for my husband until a friend of our lost hers in an accident. Perspectives change as our lives and experiences change. 

I’d rather spend time than money. I’d rather avoid negativity than feed on it. I’d rather challenge myself than assume this is “as good as it gets”.  So I will embrace new adventures & a break in tradition. I will spend Thanksgiving in an untraditional way for me, but amazing just the same. I’ll be surrounded by family & a few thousand other people. Instead of turkey from the oven, I’ll have turkey legs & pumpkin fudge in a theme park. And I will try to soak up all of the love I can, because there will be a lot. And there will be a lot to be thankful for. I’m beyond blessed with people who love me and people for me to love back. It’s all about perspective & I’ll choose the rose colored glasses version. It’s hard to believe that I want even aware of the cancer inside of me a year ago. So this year I will celebrate “I kicked cancer” in a big way & with lots of love. Cancer sucks is on our tshirts & we are having a blast!! 

    
 

I’m not talking about my height, although I could be. At 5’2″, I come up with some creative ways of reaching the top shelf in my kitchen. It usually involves a really long BBQ tongs. My blog post though is based on the very common “life is too short” statement. This is usually one of the first things that people say when some tragic life event has happened. It is a trigger to remind us that our time here on Earth is small. “Someday” will never come – there won’t be a better time than now.

“If only I lost 20lbs”… then life would be better. What if your 20lb loss comes as a result of an illness or a stressful situation? – does that still make it great? If you are hoping for a new car, but that comes about as a result of your current car dying and needs to be replaced, then is it as exciting? When we ask repeatedly for something, it may not come in the manner that we had in mind.

Our prayers don’t come with disclaimers. Our youngest son was in the NICU shortly after he was born. It was a rough pregnancy, and he stopped breathing less than 24 hrs after he was born. He was rushed to the NICU, and was blue on more than one occasion. He had a ton of tests done. We prayed a lot. We prayed for strength for him. We prayed for him to fight to live. Luckily, he was able to come home after a couple of weeks. We never knew why he stopped breathing, but it hasn’t happened since. He’s 9 now. He has a strong personality and can be stubborn at times.  Many times we’ve said “when we prayed for him to be tough, we didn’t know it would last this long”.

We rarely know our fate or how long we have. I am guilty of trying to plan way ahead. I guess I just assumed I would live to be 95 like my grandma. While I haven’t lived the last year like I was dying, it has certainly made me more aware of my mortality. Life really is too short. Take the trip, live your dreams, hug your family, forgive your neighbor  & love more. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. 

 

Source: Friday the 13th

Apparently, my comfort zone is undergoing a rezoning. I’ve been stretched outside of it a lot in the last year – even before my cancer diagnosis.  I started to do a few of those “things I’ve never done before” after I turned 40. Not nearly a mid-life crisis – I didn’t do anything super wild. No fancy cars or lavish things. I changed jobs. I went to a painting class by myself.  I went skiing (which I had done before but it was many years ago so to me it was new). I wish I had made a list, but you get the idea. The fact that I didn’t make a list will shock some people who know me well. I inherited this from my dad.

Anyway, the breast cancer diagnosis was something that I didn’t think I was prepared for, but many things leading up to it did prepare me. When I look back at it, the fact that I started to do some things I had never done before was preparing me for a whole new level of “things I’ve never done before”.  My brother-in-law’s farm accident & miraculous recovery raised my faith in God and the power of prayer. It showed me the importance of family, and of being there for each other. Previous anxiety issues prepared me for dealing with a diagnosis that I had never planned for. That’s the difference – my plans are not always the same as God’s plan. Those things that were frustrating or appeared to be road blocks at times, are his way of preparing us for things to come. I wouldn’t wish some of this stuff on anyone, but I wish everyone could come to these conclusions without something drastic happening.

Asking for help with our medical bills was outside my comfort zone. Being interviewed for a news story was outside of my comfort zone. Feeling like an advocate for breast cancer awareness was outside of my comfort zone. Attending the “Embrace” Cancer Survivor retreat alone was out of my comfort zone. Signing up for the Livestrong program was outside of my comfort zone. So when a friend of ours emailed me and suggested me as a person to interview on Tuesday’s live show for WDAY, I wasn’t really surprised because my comfort zone keeps getting stretched. It’s the anniversary of the Roger Maris Cancer Center and they want to talk to someone who has gone through it. He thought of me. It may not seem like it, but I shy away from being the center of attention. I don’t have an overwhelming sense of self confidence. In fact, writing the blog in general was a huge leap for me. I felt narcissistic – why would people want to read what I’m rambling about? But then I realized I was telling myself things that I would never say to someone else. It’s really hard to be nice to yourself. We are our own worst critics. I’m trying to change that, by baby steps, but still trying. So, tomorrow morning between 6:15 and 7am, you may see me on WDAY’s live show. Whatever comes of it, I hope it’s enough.

Aside from the negative press that Lance Armstrong received when he was found guilty of ‘doping’ in bike racing, he did start a good program – Livestrong. There is a local Livestrong program in Fargo, ND at the YMCA. Another cancer survivor mentioned it to me and said that I really must go. So, I signed up for the 12 week class. It works on strength, endurance and getting back some of what might have gotten lost along the cancer journey. I had my first class on Tuesday. I had no idea what to expect. There were 12 cancer survivors, 12 ‘support people’- loved ones of the survivors and 3 trainers. They did a baseline assessment to see where we are at as far as strength, flexibility, balance and endurance. Then they will group us based on our results.

This was another one of those “out of my comfort zone” moments. It’s a group of people who I hadn’t met before – would I feel like I’m enough? Good enough, nice enough, strong enough, friendly enough etc. You know what? It doesn’t matter. It only matters that I am going. I am trying to be more fit, and that makes me enough. If we don’t stretch ourselves to go outside of our comfort zone, we will miss out on so much in life. Many of those things that end up being amazing come out of those places we didn’t think we’d go. It turns out that one of the ladies who was at my table for the Embrace seminar is also in this class. One of the trainers is running friends with my husband. It really is a small world, you just need to talk to people to learn that.  So, for today I will still push myself to be better but I will also try to be enough.