I sat there in my blue hospital gowns and pants, waiting. Listening to their conversation and trying to think positive thoughts. It’s been almost 3 years since I started working from home. I’m aware now that the “office small talk” is something I no longer have. I don’t hear about people’s lives and what’s going on. I don’t hear about weekend plans or what’s happening with office dynamics. I used to have best friends that I worked with, but that was years ago. When I was promoted to be a supervisor, many of those friendships ended… they all changed. It left me guarded, hesitant to open up. Eventually I became friends with coworkers again when I stepped back from managing people. But then I moved. I let go of the comfort of familiar friends and departed into unfamiliar territory.

For some reason, I’m still guarded. I assume it’s a “self preservation” tactic… guarding my heart from potential heart break. It also means I’m missing out. Missing out on connections and deeper friendships. I waiver back and forth between being ok with a small inner circle and feeling like I wish I had a large group of friends to do things with. I do have close friends, but I don’t have that big group… the “let’s go do something all together” type group. I don’t know what is right or better. It’s different for everyone. When one of my closest friends pulled away from me, I went through a grieving process. I felt like a puppy, wondering what I did wrong. I still long for those days when I can text or pick up the phone at any time, but I can’t. It’s different. Our paths diverged and I just wasn’t ready for it. I closed up more, put up another layer of walls, even though I know I shouldn’t. I need to let go of the “should’ve done” and stop reliving what I think I should have done differently.

Things at work have changed a lot over the last 6 months. I still have my job, which is great. I’m not sure where my writing will take me, as it has to be a night and weekend kind of thing. It’s still a constant struggle of feeling good enough. If I spend all this time writing, would anyone buy the book? If I try to write copy part time, will I get enough clients? I’m still learning to let go. I’m still trying to build up the confidence that I know lives deep inside. Maybe because it’s not a “one and done” event… it’s a constant evolution.

Why was I in hospital gowns? Routine MRI. Still makes me pause. Reminds me to be thankful for all of my years cancer free. Gives me 45 minutes with just my thoughts and a really loud MRI machine with an IV in my arm and my chest through a hole in the table. I can’t run from my thoughts or get distracted with a pile of clothes to fold. I’m letting go of fears… acknowledging them but releasing them. They don’t serve me well.

What do you need to let go of? Emotional? Physical things? Expectations? Fears? The past? Give yourself some grace and some space as you work though it. I’ll be there too.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You’ve got this, you can do it.