Tag: #thoughts

Sheltering in place?

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Our world has changed so much in the past 3 months. What seemed like a “virus on the other side of the world,” has now appeared on our doorstep. My sister in CA is currently “sheltering in place” and trying to teach her class remotely. My sister in ND is trying to keep her dialysis patients, her nurses and herself safe and healthy. I started working from home last Friday while my kids are both at home.

It’s all new territory. Very few businesses had “in case of pandemic” procedures in place. I doubt anyone had heard of sheltering in place or social distancing. Restaurants are closed or doing take out/drive through only. Bars, salons, massage, and many other small businesses are closed. Teachers are trying to figure out how to teach their kids online and parents are trying to figure out how to help. Shelves are bare at the grocery stores and hospital workers are worried and stretched thin.

Last week, I was spinning with anxiety. You’d think an introvert would love the idea of quarantine. But I was still going to work and each day left me emotionally exhausted. I felt out of control. I worried I would transmit to someone even though I wasn’t infected. Any cough or sniffle made me cringe. A few online groups started up with the purpose of helping others. I joined, sent a couple of packages to people in need, and when I helped someone else, something neat happened. My mind stopped spinning. I felt useful.

No idea of how to do math with your kids? It’s ok, there are people to help. Working from home and just want to stay in your pj’s? It’s ok. Meals and chores planned or just winging it? It’s ok. What isn’t ok is putting others at risk. It’s not ok to be rude to the grocery store employees or to hoard essential items.

All across the country there are people coming together like never before. Even though we are isolated, we are hanging hearts in our windows. We are having Zoom meetings and virtual happy hours. We are going on neighborhood “bear hunts” for teddy bears. I cannot control the people who go out when they shouldn’t. I cannot make all of the kids safe. I can do my part to limit my exposure and keep my family safe. I can reduce my chances of spreading something to a person who is at high risk or immune compromised. You can too by staying 6 feet away from people, being aware of what you touch or staying home if possible.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re sheltering in place like my cat, you can still reach out… send a note, pick up the phone, do a conference call or a Zoom meeting, hang hearts in your window. Come together while staying apart – if we all do it, hopefully it will be enough.

Jesus take the wheel…

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Before Covid19 quarantined us, my sisters and I took a trip to Texas. We decided to rent a car so we’d be able to drive around while my niece and her husband were at work. Our flights weren’t at the same time since we were flying from different parts of the US. Two of us flew together and met the other one at the airport. We got our luggage and found the rental car shuttle. As we sat down on our shuttle bus, we looked up and saw this sign. Yes, our shuttle driver was Jesus. We had to take a picture to remember our Godwink.

We are now in the midst of an unprecedented worldwide pandemic. Our MN schools are closed until the end of the month, and possibly longer. Classes are moving online to reduce the risk of exposure. Last night, they ordered bars & restaurants to close unless they are drive through or pickup. There is so much unknown, so much misinformation and it’s changing rapidly. The maximum group gathering quickly went from 500 to 250 to 100 down to 10. In other words, stay home. This isn’t an option for everyone and it creates a lot of logistical issues. Healthcare workers, delivery drivers, first responders, grocery stores, gas stations and many manufacturing businesses will be open. Our kids are going to school just for today so they can get their Chromebooks and other supplies, then they are home until the end of the month.

I’m not throwing my hands up and letting Jesus completely take the wheel. I will certainly let him steer the way though. I will keep my kids at home, even if I’m not able to be. I will limit my errands and try to support my local businesses when I can. I will try to fact check the things I read to be more accurately informed. I will watch my church online from my home and be thankful they care about my safety. As an introvert, this won’t be much of a challenge for me. I worry about those who crave interaction, those who will go out anyway and cough or sneeze or not wash their hands. I also worry about the kids who do not have a safe place to be during this time. I worry about those who are at a higher risk of infection.

Worry and hope cannot exist at the same time. So, I’m trying to set down my worry, calm my fears, and pick up hope. I will do what I can to limit my exposure and risk for others. I gave blood yesterday because I’m sure there will be a shortage due to cancelled blood drives. Small stuff adds up. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Stay home if you can, cover your cough, don’t touch your face and wash your hands. Be a lighthouse for others in this time of need and hopefully Jesus will help steer us to shore.

Sticks & stones…

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“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Whoever came up with this saying must not have been a teenager at any point in their life and certainly didn’t raise one. I still remember names I was called and rumors that were spread about me as a teen. It’s an age where you are trying to find out who you are, and when people put negatives into your head, you start to believe them. I am a different person than I was in high school, but why can’t I shake those labels? Why don’t I have excellent advice to give my sons?

My 17 year old son also has labels put on him and rumors spread. With social media, peers are able to message ladies to “warn her” about him and fill her with lies before he even gets to know her. They stalk where you are, who you’ve added to Snapchat or Instagram, and bad mouth anything you post. I know the pain of feeling alone and yet I don’t have the words to comfort him.

My 13 year old gets called “gay” and “pimp” because he wears suit coats to school. While I would love him regardless of if he’s gay or straight, I’m quite certain he isn’t a pimp (since he didn’t know what it even meant). Kids in his church group even pick on him and he has stuff thrown at him at school. I don’t know how to explain these things to a kid who got a kindness award and gets A’s.

It’s not a journey I wanted my kids to take. It’s not a lesson I wanted them to learn. It’s not something I was prepared to re-live. I can’t “mama bear” protect them and yell at these kids. I can’t fight their battles for them. And now we’ve changed to “distance learning,” where their online presence is all that is seen. Does this make it better or worse? Plenty of adults have hurtful things to say online too. Would they say them in person? To your face? Not sure. It’s honestly one of the things that has delayed my book writing… fear of rejection, of being seen, of putting my heart out there and being told it wasn’t good enough.

While other moms are using this time to create cute time capsules, or learn something new, or make lasting memories, I’m just getting by. We are watching movies at night and all working on computers during the day. We have home cooked meals and sack lunches from school. I’m not going to lose 50 lbs or get my book written during this time. I cleaned out my refrigerator door over the weekend and I was pretty proud of myself. My house isn’t spotless (partially because I know nobody is coming over). But hopefully, through all of this, my kids will know they are loved.

When I was looking to take a picture of actual “sticks and stones,” I ended up placing them in the shape of a cross. I didn’t realize it at first. This seems fitting since last Sunday was Palm Sunday and this Sunday is Easter. Jesus dealt with sticks and stones, palm branches and praises, thorns and nails. He sees our hurting hearts, and just like my momma bear instincts, he wants to make it better. Sometimes we have to go through the difficult stuff to come out stronger on the other side.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Stay home if you can, wash your hands, stay 6 feet away, don’t touch your face, and be a kind human. Don’t judge the person at the grocery store or the person online- “keep your eyes on your own paper.” We are all in uncharted territory, and you are enough!

Put your right foot out…

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I’m not talking about the hokey pokey, but that’s a good guess. I (almost) always sleep with my right foot out of the covers when I’m sleeping. It could be winter or summer, at a hotel or at home… but it’s just the right foot. It’s one of those things you don’t think about. You might also assume everyone does it. My husband does not. My oldest son does. So this made me wonder… is it hereditary? I know my grandma Lil did the same thing. We aren’t unique. If you Google it, there are a bunch of articles about how this helps regulate your body temperature. Maybe the reason my hubby doesn’t do this is because his body temp is always below 98.6. I’m not sure.

I’m fascinated by the different traits we inherit. I can only wink my right eye but I can raise my left eyebrow. Watch someone try to do the opposite, it’s funny. I can roll my tongue like a tube, but someone who can’t will just stick their tongue out. It’s not something you can learn (to the best of my knowledge). Have you been around family members who have the same laugh or mannerisms? When you get extended family together, that can get pretty interesting. My boys got my left eye dominance, blue eye color and my teeth. Few people say they look like me.

Aside from genetics, there are other things I hope to pass on to my kids. I hope they continue to love animals. I hope they believe in a higher power. I hope they hold the door open and remember their manners. I hope they treat people with kindness and look for ways to help. They both have my husband’s sense of humor and love of movies. They have his work ethic, even though he doesn’t always see it. They love to be outside and experience nature. As we are getting closer to having a high school senior, giving them life skills is increasingly important. Can you do your own laundry? Can you mow the lawn, fix a meal, grocery shop and build something on your own?

Giving them life skills will help them put their best foot forward, but it means giving up control. It means you might end up eating a homemade nacho pizza experiment or having to explain rewashing clothes if you forgot to dry them. It means they will have to learn the lessons of asking for help and independence at the same time.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough… and sweet dreams.

What’s your super power?

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Last week, I wore a T-shirt that says #writer. It’s chilly in MN (it was -1 that day), so I wore my buffalo plaid shirt over the top of it. I realized I was self conscious and almost changed shirts. “What if someone says something?” I kind of felt like Clark Kent. Writing, for me, is a bit of a Superman type secret. Not everyone in my normal life knows that I write a blog each week. I’m not sure all of my relatives know either… or maybe they just chose not to read it. Some days I think it would be great to have a large following and other days I struggle to feel worthy enough to be an inspiration.

WordPress does a neat job of showing how many people read your blog. It also shows where they are from. One day, I had a bunch of readers from Ukraine and I was a little worried that I was being flagged or something. That lasted one day, so I figured they realized I was kind of boring and not any type of threat or spy. I’ve had people from all over the world read my words. It’s kind of cool, if you think about it. Without the internet (and my phone), I couldn’t reach this many people. I am going to be writing a book. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about for a while. I’ve had people tell me I have to write but they didn’t say what it should be. I’ve leaped forward into classes and then I’ve slunk back into my cave, wondering what my topic should be and if anyone other than my 24 followers would read it.

Superpowers. While writing isn’t really a super power, it’s something I do that isn’t known to everyone. Maybe my writing makes someone feel like they’re not alone or that they are enough. Do you have a secret talent? A super power of sorts? Something you love to do but you aren’t sure if you should share it with the world? What if you shared it? What would happen? Everyone is good at something or has something they love to do. Most of the time, if it’s something you love to do, you’re probably pretty good at it. Part of what makes it good is the joy that it brings to you. Each time I write, I feel like I am giving something of myself. When someone reads & comments and even shares my words, that brings me joy. I also love to bake. It is like therapy for me and I love that it brings joy to others. I enjoy sewing and gardening and tending to my chickens.

Whatever your super power, I hope you will feel it’s good enough to share with others. Start out small if you need to. Remember that you don’t need validation from others though- if you love doing it and it brings you joy, then it’s already enough. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Find one thing …

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This is my cat in his “cat cave.” I’m jealous… I wish they made them for humans. Ever feel like you’re at the tipping point? Just on the edge of ok and not ok? Yeah. Me too. Some things seem silly and still drive me nuts. There is a road sign by a beach area – it’s a yellow sign suggesting to slow down. It’s winter in Minnesota. Nobody is at the beach. It’s not even plowed out as an ice fishing access. Every day I drive by it twice, and most days someone slows down for the beach area. I let it bother me. I know it shouldn’t but it does, so that frustrates me. When I know how to respond or how to act, but I don’t do it, I get frustrated with myself. I feel like a pouting kid needing a “time out.”

I’ve taken a lot of classes, read books and gone to retreats to help me be more self aware. I am much more aware of what things trigger me and how to respond. It doesn’t mean that I respond appropriately on a regular basis. I know I feel more relaxed when I meditate. I know I feel more clear when I am outside. I know I feel more grounded when I go for a walk. I know my mind feels less cluttered when I journal. Some days I feel like I have a tool box full of options and it is sitting on a shelf, just out of reach. That’s when I am jealous of my cat and want to crawl into a cave.

We had the cloudiest January in Minnesota this year. When the sun doesn’t shine for days on end and it’s cold & snowy outside, it can impact people’s moods. It does for me. I’ve been frustrated with others, frustrated with myself and just out of sorts. I think it’s a reminder to me that we are all human. Even when we know what to do, sometimes we struggle to follow through. Some days it feels easier to be like my cat and hide away.

This week, I challenged myself to find one good thing about the day. Even when things go wrong, I am going to find at least one positive. I know that focusing on the crappy stuff brings in more crappy stuff. The things that frustrate me in others are often a mirror to what frustrates me about myself. I can’t even fix it with a Snickers because I’m trying to eat healthier. So instead of candy or saying something I’ll regret, I’ll try gratitude. I’ll try focusing on something good. Will I be 100% positive? Probably not. But it’s enough because it’s a start. We all have to start somewhere and each day is a new day.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Give yourself some grace, but challenge yourself to find at least one good thing about your day. You’re worth it!

This year, be you…

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When I was in college, I was a server at Red Lobster. The tips were good (except if you had to work lunch), and the schedule worked around my college classes for the most part. We had at least 3 managers who kept an eye on things. One gentleman took me off to the side and said, “You need to smile more. You need to look happier.” One other manager was more interested in how we looked and if our white shirts were clean. You could tell she was not listening when you talked to her. It was one of those periods of time where you look back and realize it shaped part of who you are… or who you thought you should be. I was told I wasn’t good enough. I seemed too serious, thinking, trying to remember who needed extra butter and who needed tartar sauce and which table was #73. I wasn’t “Mary Sunshine.” I was me… a college student, not sure of who she was yet.

Since it’s the New Year, you may be bombarded with resolutions or things you need to change. What if you were just the best version of you? Not a number on a scale or a grade point average or a picture perfect version – but an unapologetic, thankful to be here, awesome you. I’m not saying give up or don’t try… just be kinder to yourself. Focus on the things you are great at, the things that bring you joy, the things that bring joy to others. Don’t beat yourself up over the rest of it. I know when I’m focusing on all things I shouldn’t eat or can’t eat or how heavy I am, I feel worse. It’s not motivating to me when I think about the can’t(s) and should have’s.

So, here is my resolution: this year I will be me. I will be happy, healthy, committed and helpful. This year I will go on trips with my sisters, my family, my hubby and by myself. I will drink more water and spend time with my chickens. What am I good at? Writing, baking, giving to others, painting, sewing and planning trips. Those things (in addition to my family of course) bring me joy. This year, I’m going to do those things and I’m going to be me. I know I should lose 40 lbs, get back to running and be more successful… but what if the focus on the things that bring joy also brings new opportunities, experiences and joy to others? Then I’d say it will be a pretty good year.

My sister gave me a plate that has this saying on it and a co-worker gave me the mug. “My chickens think I’m amazing.” I love it, it makes me smile. I think you’re amazing too. You have the ability to do great things. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May 2020 be a great year for you.

Stop it…

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I’d like to send a message to doctors & to ladies. Doctors: Stop telling women they don’t need a mammogram. Just stop. Stop saying it’s not needed until 40 or 50 years old. Just stop. I was 41. Two of my friends were also 41. If I hadn’t had a baseline done years prior, they might have dismissed the findings. They might have told me to wait and see if it changed. I heard someone tell the story about their doctor who told them they should just “wait and see” if things changed in 6 months. My cancer grew from nothing to stage 1 in 12 months. I’m so glad I didn’t have to wait until it progressed to stage 2 or 3 or 4.

My friend told me her Doctor said she didn’t need a mammogram even though it was covered by insurance. Thankfully, she didn’t take “no” for an answer. She at least has a baseline to compare others to. Hopefully she never needs it, but it’s there and could possibly save her life.

Ladies, stop. Stop making excuses.

  1. You’re busy. I get it. We are all busy.
  2. You’re scared of having a mammogram. Being told you have cancer is scary. Telling your kids that their mom has cancer is scary.
  3. It hurts. Guess what? Having surgery hurts. It hurts longer than the 45 seconds of having your boob squished for a mammogram. Catching it early makes the treatment less invasive.

My mother-in-law had breast cancer shortly after we were married (more than 20 years ago.) A few years ago, she stopped going in for regular check ups. She stopped putting herself first. We aren’t sure why, and now we won’t get the chance to ask her. She was 70. She didn’t make it to her 71st birthday. She won’t see her grandkids graduate high school or get married. Last Friday we lit a luminaria bag in her memory at our Relay for Life event.

Our Relay for Life is one of the largest in MN. I was co-captain last year and team captain this year. We raise funds all year and our Relay night is 8 hrs long. We don’t go through the night anymore… not enough people stayed that long. I think that’s common for several Relay events. People have other commitments during their short summer. It is a powerful, emotional night. People of all ages wearing purple “survivor” t-shirts walk the survivor lap. I thought for a moment “maybe I shouldn’t go or be involved…. maybe it’s not a big deal.” And then I thought of my mother-in-law, my aunt, my friend’s wife… and I realized it’s a big deal.

My husband took a picture of the survivor on the back of my shirt. At first I thought it was silly, but it’s one of my favorite pictures of the night. My good friend decorated a bag for me with a cat that looks like ours and some chickens in clothes… perfect. It gets to be in honor of me and not in memory.

In general, please stop thinking that being survivor is not a big deal. I have a friend from a recent retreat who is traveling all over the United States to try and find a cure, a solution… something to buy some more time. Life isn’t guaranteed. We don’t know our end date. Supporting the American Cancer Society helps to fund research, provide rooms or travel assistance or valet parking.

It’s a subject that gets me fired up. I am passionate about prevention. If one person gets checked because of this awareness, it’s worth it. Mammograms don’t only happen in October. You can get checked anytime.

Stop and watch a sunset. Stop and smell some flowers (they don’t have to be roses). Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you stop doubting, procrastinating or worrying and start living.

#IintrovertSoHard

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I recently traveled to CA for my niece’s graduation. She is the last niece on my side (of 6 nieces and nephews), and my Godchild. To get from MSP to San Jose, CA, I flew through Denver. I had a layover and then they said there was an hour delay. They changed the gate 5 different times and then moved up the departure time so it was only 10 minutes late instead of an hour. While on the plane, and waiting in the airport, I had time to finish a book. #IMOMSOHARD is a book from 2 moms who also have a YouTube and Instagram page dedicated to telling it like it is… messy and tiring and sometimes requiring wine. I’m not much of a drinker anymore. I think I took care of that in my younger years. I did take Southwest up on their free drink coupon though.

On one leg of the flight, the WiFi wasn’t working, so I read some more and rested a little. I also sponged though. (It’s kind of a nicer term for eavesdropping) The flight from Denver to MSP was full. A couple in their 60’s boarded after me. They took aisle seats across from each other. A lady who was traveling alone asked if she could sit in the middle seat. She made sure the wife didn’t want to sit by the husband. They both prefer aisles. She said to him, “You two are the cutest couple. Are you newlyweds?” He chuckled. “Yes, we are,” he said with a grin. “We’ve been married only 38 years.” Without having to say a word, I learned the woman next to me had 4 boys and a girl, all grown. The man had two sons, a doctor and lawyer in New York.

The last few minutes was the only time I talked. She commented on all of the water/lakes. I told her that MN is the land of 10,000 lakes. She was surprised by how flat it was. She said Carson Wentz is her favorite player (after I told her I was from ND originally). It’s ironic to me that I write a blog anyone can read, yet I avoid making small talk on a plane. Introverted. Text book introvert.

Before graduation, we cleaned, made food, did landscaping, set everything up, ran errands, decorated and arranged flowers. We got the chocolate fountain ready and had food options for everyone. At the graduation party, I made sure the food was refilled, the drinks were chilled, the chocolate fountain had plenty of berries & treats to dip, and the garbages were emptied. When the guests had all gone home, my sister said she felt bad that I had spent all my time in the kitchen. My niece said, “Oh no, that’s where she prefers to be.” And she was right. I didn’t have to do much small talk. I was able to be helpful and let my sister and nieces visit with their guests. Yep, it’s totally where I want to be. This is the 5th of 6 graduation parties I have helped with (along with a wedding, bridal shower, baptism etc). I’d much rather be the one making sure things run smoothly, (quietly refilling the chips) than being the center of attention. #introvert.

I’m so glad I made the trip. I’m glad my husband took care of things at home. I’m glad my sister let me help (and give honest opinions). I’m glad her cat was excited to see me. I’m glad my niece had a great party. And, I’m glad I’m an introvert, because that’s part of my journey and it makes me enough. I don’t have to be outgoing or social or vibrant. I can be behind the scenes, and it’s helpful enough. Whatever your skill is, embrace it. Whatever you love to do, do more of that. Those who love you will still love you and those who don’t aren’t worth your time.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have your very own gluten-free funfetti bundt cake to make you feel extra special… because you are.

(Photo of my niece, Emily on her high school graduation day)

Thoughts are powerful…

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Are you familiar with the saying, “Be careful what you wish for?” Thoughts are powerful. What we focus on, we attract. Think the world is crappy? You will look for validation of that and either see, find or experience crappy things. Think things are great? You will also find validation of those thoughts… you will look for the good in people, find the bright spot in the day or make someone else smile.

Recently, I’ve been lamenting about how quickly my sons are growing. They are more independent, one is driving and they just don’t need me as much. Then Myles broke his leg. I’m not sure how much the leg splint or the cast weigh, but for a 12 year old, who isn’t much more than 100 lbs, it’s a significant amount. He cannot bend over. He needs help with many daily tasks that seemed like no big deal prior to February 2nd, when his tib/fib fractures changed his life. He suddenly needed me. My husband made the comment that I must love being needed again. I got defensive. “Woah, I never wished for him to break his leg.” Well, no, not directly, but he does now need help.

Wheew. That was a tough one. It really brought home the power of thoughts. I’ve said to myself several times, “I’m too heavy” or “my stomach is too fat.” I recently lost almost 30 pounds. And then something happened. I stepped on the scale and couldn’t believe the number. I hadn’t been that weight in a while. And although I should have been happy, it scared me. My identity as overweight was changing. So I ended up eating things I had avoided for several months. I gained 10lbs back and was subconsciously trying to get back to that overweight me I had identified with for so long. Now I need to shift my thoughts back to the positive. I need to remember my “why” … why I wanted to get healthier in the first place. It’s not a vanity thing or a competition. I want to live longer. I want to honor this body I’ve been given and keep it around for a while.

Is your glass half empty or half full? When life hands you lemons, will you make lemonade? (These lemons in the picture were from my sister’s tree in CA last week. Dallas are one like an orange!) If you knew how powerful your thoughts were, would you try to change them? Every time you think of something negative, try to think of 2 or 3 things positive. It’s more difficult than it sounds. I’m not sure if this is one of the coldest or snowiest winters in MN, but it’s probably on the top 10 list for sure. Complaining about the weather won’t make it sunny & warm. Thinking positively won’t make it warm either but it certainly won’t make you miserable. Might as well put on some extra layers or a heated blanket & grab a glass of lemonade!

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May your glass be half full, but more importantly, be refillable.