Tag: #survivor

Another anniversary… 

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

 Are you tired of my anniversaries? 1 year ago tomorrow, I had my last radiation appointment. I “rang the bell” at Roger Maris Cancer Center & ended my active treatment. These milestones are wonderful to celebrate but they bring up some emotions too. My Facebook memories showed my Caring Bridge post from a year ago. Since you might not have read that, I’m posting it here too:

April 7, 2015

Today I had my last regular/weekly appointment with the radiation oncologist (aka my flow chart Dr). Tomorrow is my last radiation treatment. They were talking to me today about ringing the bell after my last treatment tomorrow. I guess I hadn’t thought of that. I obviously know that tomorrow is the last day, but to realize that it’s the last day of “active treatment” was something that hadn’t quite sunk in yet. The thought of being able to “Ring the Bell” kind of made me emotional. For those of you who don’t know, there is a big bell by the doorway at Roger Maris. When you are done with “active treatment”, you can ring the bell to signify that you are a Survivor. Some people don’t want to do it, some think it’s superstitious to ring it in case your cancer returns (and also you still have 5 yrs of follow up – but this is the end of active treatment). I am quite certain that I will ring their bell and do so with my pink attire on and a large smile on my face. And I will quite possibly be teary.

I am relieved to have this part of my journey (almost) over. I’m amazed at the prayers, friendship and support that me and all of my family have received these last 4 months. I’m thankful for those prayers and positive messages that have carried us through some difficult days. I’m so thankful for my family and their support. I know I’m not always easy to deal with, and they’ve taken it in stride. I’m thankful for my co-workers, and Cameron’s, who have helped cover our work duties, supported our absences and listened to our stories – I’m sure to them it seems like this is going on FOREVER. I am thankful that I have grown in faith, learned to turn things over to God (and not be shy or apologetic in my dependence on HIM), and have drawn on HIS strength and promise to keep me going. While my journey isn’t over, and I’ll likely update after hysterectomy (and if there is anything else “interesting” that happens along the way), I’m glad to be closing this “chapter” of my cancer story. Strength, positive attitude and faith are things that I’ve heard from people when they talk about how I’m handling this. There is a saying on my desk that is truer than you’ll ever know – “You never know how STRONG you are until being STRONG is the only choice you have”. That’s how I’ve approached this journey, and will continue to for the next 5+ years.
So, if you see me tomorrow (Wed) after 11am, feel free to HIGH FIVE me, say congratulations, or just smile big. This chapter of my journey will be ending, and I will be thankful!
**********

That was from a year ago. At times it feels like yesterday & sometimes it feels like a million miles away. I still carry the card with me from the cancer center: “Ring this bell Three times well Its toll to clearly say, My treatment’s done This course is run And I am on my way.” I still can’t read that without getting a lump in my throat. So tomorrow I will acknowledge my anniversary & be thankful for all that’s happened. Oh, and if you want to high five me on Friday, that’s fine too.

Just breathe…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

  
How long can you hold your breath? Just recently, I held mine for 8 days. Not literally of course, but it sure felt like it.

Last Thursday, I had my follow up MRI. I had one last January before my lumpectomy. (The one last January found 2 spots that the mammogram had missed. One was pre-cancer & was removed. The other was not cancer and was just “marked” with a metal clip so they can watch it.) I wasn’t expecting anything to come from the one last week. I went in, asked for extra ear protection (I highly recommend it) – & spent 30 min visualizing the lake. For this type of MRI, you are on your stomach, with your chest through the table. I did just fine & went back to work after. I was hoping to just get a letter in the mail 7-10 days later. 

I was shocked when the surgeon called me at home after supper. “There is a spot/nodule on your right breast (opposite from previous cancer) that has changed since last year. We will want to have you come in and check it out.” It would be Thursday before I could get in for an ultrasound & possible biopsy. The waiting game sucks. I had kind of forgotten how much it stinks. I didn’t want to alarm my kids. As honest as I was throughout my cancer, I just simply didn’t know enough to tell them anything yet. I’d deal with that if I needed to when that time came. 

I had the distraction of a weekend with family for Easter and then back to work for more waiting. I talked with the Roger Maris Cancer Center’s psych Dr on Monday. She talked about prayer & meditation & ways to get me through to Thursday without going too stir crazy. You see, this type of thing is what (most) cancer survivors fear. It’s what nobody talks about or prepares you for. The “what ifs”… What if the cancer comes back, what if it metastasized, what if I can’t tell  that something changed etc etc. This is the kind of thing that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. As much as I remained positive & strong through my cancer, fear over took me this time. I did ok (not super, but ok) until Wednesday. The day before the ultrasound & biopsy I was a bit of a mess. Only a handful of people knew about it, but those who did were sending up some pretty big prayers. Songs would come on the radio that made me teary. The thought of having to tell my kids again made my heart ache. 

Thursday came & I spent an hour of the morning having reiki to try and calm and balance me. I had breakfast with my aunt & she came with me to the ultrasound. Being a cancer survivor herself, she knew what to expect. They let her come in with me for the ultrasound. The spot they were looking for was deep, closer to the chest wal. It was difficult to find, which was good and bad. The Dr came in to look and said that if I was anyone else, with no history of cancer, they’d just wait and see. He also said that he realized I’d probably worry for 6 months if I decided to just wait, so he would do the biopsy. Yes, please. Peace of mind is worth the temporary pain. Plus it was already scheduled so I could do it right away. 

This is my 4th biopsy (3 last year.) They put lidocaine in to numb it, then go in with a long needle to get a sample. Then they put a tiny clip in that spot to mark it for future reference. One that’s done, they have to put pressure on your chest for 15 minutes. Yep, that’s as fun as it sounds…not fun. Awkward small talk etc. After that, they do a mammogram again to see that the clip is in place. They send you on your way with ice packs in your bra. Time to rest. It would be Monday before they had results. Initially the Dr thought it looked good, so I should be relieved. Since I’ve heard, “I’m sure it’s nothing” before and they were wrong, I would wait until I got the call to celebrate.

I didn’t have to wait until Monday. The Dr called tonight with good news that the biopsy wasn’t cancer. It was inflammatory tissue (& other words that I didn’t hear because I was still just absorbing the good news.) Yahooooo! NOW I can smile, be relieved & celebrate! 

And I can breathe…

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Just Fishing…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

  
No, we aren’t fishing just yet. This picture was taken a few years ago of me and my boys fishing at Itasca State Park. (The barn wood frame was made by my husband.) One of my favorite songs is a country song – Just Fishin’ by Trace Adkins. It talks about a dad fishing with his daughter. She thinks they’re just fishing, but they’re really bonding, talking, spending time together. While we tend to focus on big things to do with our kids, sometimes it’s the small stuff that means the most. As my kids get older, I tend to wonder if I’ve done enough with them. Did I do enough of the things that help create those bonds that last forever? Did I listen enough to them when they were smaller to make them feel comfortable talking to me when they get older?

I wonder about these things, and then my 13 year old goes on and on about fishing tackle, kayak modifications for fishing and different kinds of bows and bow hunting… and I think, maybe I’ve done ok. He did his radio commentary for his speech meets about fishing, and how you should go fishing as a family & how it brings you closer as a family. He did this on his own, and reading it kind of made me melt. I’m not telling the story to make you think I’ve got it all together- far from it. I’m telling you so that maybe you realize you’re doing a better job than you think. To my 9 year old, I’m still a super hero but I know that won’t always be the case. This 13 year old boy thing is new territory for both of us though. We are figuring it out together & sometimes I get clues that it’s going to be ok.

 If fishing is something that opens the door to other conversations, then I will get my rod and reel ready. I’ll also be prepared to cook up a fish dinner. And he thinks we’re just fishin’.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.