Tag: #survivor

Hold my hand…

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“Fine.” That’s what most people say when you ask, “How are you doing?” Most people are also liars when it comes to this question, but we still ask just to be nice, or fill an awkward silence or make us think that by asking we are somehow better connected. They talked about it at church last night. The pastor talked about people coming to church to feel a sense of community, but not being willing to get past the “fine.”  I get it. I’m there with you. It’s scary. It’s scary to open up to someone else and/or someone new. What if they look at you funny? What if they avoid you next time? What if they laugh, think you’re crazy or tell their friends to avoid you? But what if they care? What if, by opening up, you make a new friend or a new connection? What if you are the listening ear that someone else needs & you make their day? (By the way, you may never know or realize that this happens… people don’t always come back saying, “thanks for listening or caring.”)

So, here I am… being vulnerable… asking for you to hold my hand. (Virtually, of course.) I have my “routine” mammogram tomorrow (Friday) now changed to Monday 10/23. It comes 6 months after the MRI. This is the schedule for a while, after finding breast cancer on my left side. It still makes me nervous. It still takes my breath away. It still makes me feel like an actual elephant is sitting on my chest. I was thinking it would be later in October, but they had an opening this week, and it worked into the schedule. It’s for the best that I didn’t have 25 days to think about it. I only had 2. (I literally wrote this post at noon and they called me to change it to Oct 23rd, so I DO have 25 days to wait. I guess this gives me extra time for prayers.) This will be my first one at the clinic in town instead of driving back to Fargo.  I can do this. It’s quick, it’s not super painful and it’s necessary. I know God’s in control of this, but I can’t help wonder what is up his sleeve for me. I hope it’s to live a long life, see my kids grow & marry, and have families of their own. We aren’t guaranteed that… but that’s my hope. 

I learned to pray more intentionally after several significant life events. So here is my request: Imagine you are holding my hand on October 23rd. I may squeeze your hand when they press the machine down. The scar tissue is still tender. I may shed a tear because I’m just so thankful to be alive. Pray specifically for peace… for a sense of calm to wash over me. Pray for a good, clear scan. Pray for quick results & good news. Then, go hug someone. If you are a female, schedule your damn mammogram. Just do it. I don’t care what size or shape you are… just make the appointment. And when you do, you can message me to pray for you and I promise I will. 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have enough courage to open up and let people in. May you have enough faith to get you through tough times. May you have enough friends to hold your hand so that you don’t even notice the mammogram machine smush.

Better Connected

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I looked in the mirror after the church service Wednesday night, looking for grey hair. When did I become a grumpy old church lady? Do you know what I’m talking about? We had some sweet grey haired ladies in our Lutheran church growing up. They sure would give you a “look” if your kids were misbehaving. As our pastor talked, people talked amongst themselves… loudly. Not just kids, but adults too… talking without respect for the pastor. Their conversation was much more important than whatever he was saying about the new Confirmission year (confirmation + mission). I felt myself being annoyed and wondering what the pastor was feeling. I certainly was grumpy about it but I didn’t make any “church lady glances.”

Our church has a “theme” each year. Last year, it was Church in the Wild. It focused on getting out into the community to share our faith. This year, the theme is Better Connected. They bring in a guest speaker every so often. That night it was a youth pastor who spoke of being called out of our comfort zone. When he spoke, those side conversations stopped. Everyone was paying attention. (Thank goodness) This topic was perfect for me. Although I’m no longer considered a youth, the idea of being better connected with strangers is certainly out of my comfort zone. As part of the Better Connected theme, they are starting small groups. Ugh small groups? Will there be “ice breakers” also? Normally, I’d pretend that I didn’t see the sign up sheet, come up with an excuse not to do it, or avoid everyone who tried to ask me about it. In the spirit of trying new things, I signed up. Aaahh. Can you believe this?! Add this to the list of things I never thought I’d do. Oh and while I was at it, last week I also went to a Parents Advisory Council (kinda like PTA) at Myles’ school. 

Why, oh why am I doing these things? Modeling. No, not in the sense of fashion (for sure that’s not me)… in the sense of modeling for my kids. To show them that it’s ok to step outside your comfort zone. It’s ok to try new things. It’s ok to open up and let people in. Scary? Hell, yes. But, I felt that tap on my shoulder to do this. I’m excited to see what will come of it. If I don’t try, I will never know. 

My journey of enough is taking me on a different path. A path that I never thought I’d go down. It’s safe and comfortable to stay with what you know… but what if something great comes out of the new path? What if I inspire my kids or make a new friend? I’ll keep you posted on how this all shakes out. Maybe you’ll feel compelled to try something new too. Maybe you’ll find your new favorite hobby or wine or friend. 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Hang on and enjoy the ride!

Just try…

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We went to a Cross Country meet Thursday. It was 88 degrees in the shade and there was only a slight breeze. Buses lined the street and there were cars as far as we could see. We had never been to Little Falls, Mn, but that’s where the meet was. JV boys, JV girls, Varsity Boys then Varsity girls ran a 5k on the golf course. We were most interested in the JV boys. I love watching running. While I have completed 4 half marathons, I don’t really love to run like my husband does. I’ve never driven by someone who was out for a run and wished I was them. But I love to watch it.  I love the crowd of kids and seeing them race. I love cheering for them – all of them. The fun went off and the crowd came racing towards us. I always try to pick out my runner, and in that first sea of kids, it’s sometimes difficult. As I scanned the crowd for Alexandria shirts, I cheered for the Cardinals and clapped for everyone else. Then a boy in a green jersey ran by with an adult. The adult had a strap around his wrist attached to the kid in the green jersey. He was leading him through the course because his sight is impaired. I instantly got a lump in my throat. Wow. We wove our way through the golf course, cheering at different intersections. There was one big hill on the course. After our Alexandria runners went by, I stayed to cheer on the rest of the kids. Myles asked me why we didn’t just leave. I said, “Because nobody is here. No one is cheering these boys on. We are staying until the last one runs by.” And we did. First, last or in between, they all tried.

As the sight impaired boy came closer to the finish, I heard his guide say, “26 is a PR (personal record), you’re almost there!” I cheered for him, never knowing his name or his story. I talked to my husband after the race and asked out loud, “Why does that make me so emotional to see a blind kid running?” Why? Because he tried. He didn’t give up. Last week we were at a race in Detroit Lakes. It was a hard course with lots of hills. As usual, Cameron went to the back of the course to cheer the kids on… the spots that nobody goes to, except maybe a coach or two. He saw a kid start to go up the hill, start walking and walk off the course. He didn’t finish. He wasn’t going to win, so he stopped. He didn’t appear injured… it was just hot and hard. 
To me, this is one of the big things that sports teaches us. Yes, I understand that many won’t go on to be big college runners or win the Boston marathon, but they learn to try. Hopefully they have a coach that puts more emphasis on doing your best than winning. If you learn to keep going in the face of adversity, maybe you will apply that to other areas of your life. If you do your best, that’s enough.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you keep going when you feel like walking off the course. Listen for the cheers, and just try.

Stand by me…

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Are you sitting down? Stand up. It’s ok, I’ll wait… Stand up. How long did it take you? If you are able bodied, it took you a few seconds maybe? How many times do you do that in a day? Ever think about it? Ever give thanks for it? We did, 3 years ago. 

My brother-in-law had been in a farm accident, where a tractor drove over his back. He had broken ribs and needed a plate put in to hold his pelvis together. He spent weeks in the hospital recovering, and even longer in a wheel chair. He needed time to heal without walking. Then the OK came… “You can try to stand.” I can’t imagine how scary and exciting and overwhelming that must have been. Can you imagine the faith that took? The faith that the doctors knew what they were doing? The faith that God had pulled you through? The faith that your family would be there if you fell? He stood with a walker, and we all cheered!

The thought of that “anniversary” yesterday made me cry. Thankful, overwhelmed tears, even after 3 years. There is so much that we take for granted each day… walking,  seeing, talking. We forget to be thankful for the small things until something happens to make them more difficult. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Isaiah 40:29. There is no doubt in my mind that God gave him strength to stand. God continues to give him strength, as he does to all of us…Strength to overcome obstacles we never thought we’d win. 

When things go wrong, or seem out of control, we are more likely to cry out for help. But, just today, stand up – and then whisper, “thank you.” Make a list of all of the things you are thankful for – big or small. Then do the same thing tomorrow. If you focus on the good, more good will come.  When you feel like you’re not enough, remember that God is standing beside you. To Him, you are always enough. 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. 

Good news and donuts…

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I’ve transitioned almost everything after our move… new dentist, orthodontist, new church, new doctor, new place to change the oil and find cheap bread (different places). One thing that I’ve held out on is my oncologist. I can’t bring myself to change that one just yet. There’s a reason why we are reluctant to change – it’s safe and comfortable and predictable to stay with what you know. Even with all of the changes that I’ve gone through in the last year, this is one that I’m waiting a little longer to change. So, for now, I will drive back to Fargo every 6 months to meet with my oncologist. 

Leading up to the appointment, we were on a family trip, so my mind was pre occupied with vacation stuff. I did find myself being “short” with my family, but I didn’t make the connection- appointment was coming up and I was anxious. It’s been more than 2 years since I rang the bell signifying the end of my cancer, but the what ifs are hard to push out of my mind. What if I missed something in a self exam? What if there is a different cancer somewhere else? I tried to quiet my mind on the drive to Fargo and stopped for a quick cappuccino Heath Blizzard before my appointment. 

Breathe…

I checked in to the front desk at the cancer center. Every time I’m there, I’m one of the youngest people there. I also look healthy, aside from being a little overweight… I don’t fit in. I wonder about everyone’s story. We all have a story. The grey haired couple argued about which direction to go. The lady in a wheelchair wanted her leg adjusted. The lady with a walker and a scarf on her head looked for a place to sit. All different stories with a common thread… cancer. I didn’t have to wait long before the nurse called my name. I stepped on the scale and walked back to the exam room.

Breathe…

Vitals and verbal updates, then wait for the Doctor. While I waited, I thought back to that first appointment with him, when they had to re-do my blood pressure because it was off the charts. I didn’t have to wait too long before he came in. I had nothing new to report, but he would check things over just to be sure. I got the all clear – stat on the same “anti-cancer” meds and see him again in 6 months. I can have my 3D mammograms and MRI done in Alexandria.  

Wheew! BIG breath.

As I left the clinic, I found my way down to Broadway and just had to stop for donuts. I wish I didn’t tie food to celebrating, but I do. Good news called for good donuts. Maybe someone will start a trend of celebration carrots, but until then… peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you be blessed with good news and donuts! 

Free to grow…

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School is starting for our North Dakota friends, and before we know it, we will have our new “back to school pictures” too. This photo was from 5 years ago. 5 years. Myles was just going into Kindergarten and Dallas was going into 4th grade. Sometimes when I look at my boys, this is what I see. I’m guessing that my parents still see a blonde 5 year old with curly pigtails. I imagine it’s similar for other parents… you see a growing son or daughter before you, but your mind jumps back to years ago. Those little hands that just wanted you to hold them, those big backpacks on their little bodies, those smiles – eager with anticipation for a new school year. 

I often hear people say, “I wish I could keep them this age forever.” I get the idea behind it, but it also makes me think of those parents that don’t get to see their kids grow – they are taken from them all too soon, and they are “frozen in time.” They won’t get to experience life with them beyond that point. That picture is the last one they will take. There won’t be totes of school papers, pictures from the big game or prom or weddings. I know that may seem harsh, but there are families in this area dealing with that this year. There are families everywhere dealing with it. 

So, while we soak up the last few days of summer and get ready for back-to-school nights, let’s remember to be thankful. Be thankful that your kids are free to grow. Be thankful for their busy schedules and noisy friends and games. Be thankful that they’ve grown out of their new clothes already. Just stop and breathe it all in. Soak it up like a sponge and thank God for another year with them. Think of those parents who won’t get to experience this. (Maybe have coffee with them or just give them a hug). 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough & may God grant you growing kids. 

Just one…

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On a humid August night, I walked into a restaurant that was new to me (The Garden Bar on 6th). There were only two other guests in the building, but the sign said Please wait to be seated. So I did. The gal came over and asked how many were in my party. “Just one,” I said quietly. My boys were off on a trip back to Harvey, ND so I was in my own tonight. Truth be told, I don’t love to cook. I love to bake things or make desserts, but I’m not a great cook. So when I’m home alone, it’s either cereal, eggs or left overs. I thought I’d try something new. As I scrolled through my phone, I glanced at the menus. I ordered a Minnescato Mule (like a Moscow Mule, but with a local Miscato and rhubarb syrup). I’m not a “foodie,” but in the spirit of trying new things, I had a kale summer salad with berries, candied pecans, pecan crusted chicken and a maple vinegarette. I made a point to look at my waiter when he came by – instead of being shy and embarrassed of being alone, I paused what I was doing and paid attention. As the copper mug condensated on the table, I slowly enjoyed my salad. When I was finished, he appeared again and asked if I’d like dessert. (See previous post about pie.. 😉). “Yes,” I said. “What do you have?” He looked surprised that I had agreed to it and he read off the 3 items on their dessert menu. The first one was a blueberry rhubarb bread pudding. Mmm. No more needed to be said. I love bread pudding for some reason and Cameron isn’t a fan. “Yes, the bread pudding sounds great, thank you.” I went back to my phone, pausing to look out the window or watch for new people coming in. The other two had left and soon more groups appeared… 2 guys who made it clear that they were not on a date, a group of 4 ladies who were there for a “birthday club,” (even though it wasn’t anyone’s birthday- they just like to get together once a month), and a group of young ladies. As I waited for my dessert, the restaurant got busier and the sound of conversations drowned out the music. Then it arrived. Warm blueberry rhubarb bread pudding with ice cream on top. It was amazing. After a couple of bites of the warm pudding with a prefect crunch top, I figured I’d better photograph this. I am not a food critic but this was really good.

As I left the restaurant, I started thinking about my first statement… “just one.” Just… like it wasn’t ok that I was there alone. I almost felt the need to explain myself, but I didn’t. The thing is, as an introvert, I need this kind of time to recharge my batteries. I don’t do it much, but I do feel more refreshed when I’ve had a little time alone, to regroup. I feel like it makes me a better mom, wife, co-worker when I’ve had some “me time.”  There was a time in my like where I would have laughed at that term. Me time?!  What is that? Nobody has time to be alone, there is too much to do. Yeah, there is, but it will still be there. The peas were still waiting in my garden to be picked. While my supper delay made me a feast for hungry mosquitoes (they get worse at dusk), the peas were still there and they still got picked. And, while I was picking peas and being a mosquito buffet, I started thinking about writing. Sometimes I catch myself thinking in “story lines”… testing out my blog ideas in my head. Will that be a good enough story? Is that interesting enough? Enough, enough, enough. Yes. It will be. Because someone else is eating alone tonight and they also said “just one.” And I want them to know that’s ok. Whatever your reason, it’s alright. If you are lonely though and don’t want it to be just one, I hope you’ll chat up the waiter or waitress. You might be the only person tonight that treats them like a person and not a servant or an after thought. If you need that time to recharge and refresh, I hope you take it. I hope you are able to enjoy a peaceful evening (or lunch or whatever). I wish you peace on your journey of enough. The kind of peace that comes from a recharge (and a really good bread pudding.)

Pack your bags & try the pie….

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It all started with a casual conversation…

My sister, Marie and her friend Heather were talking about spending some time with their daughters. “We should really do something with our girls before they go off to college next year… And while they still like us.” What the mom’s didn’t realize was that the girls overhead the conversation and it lit a spark. Both of them probably knew it was one of those things people say, wishing for it to happen, but knowing that it probably wouldn’t. Time would slip away, and before they knew it, they’d be off to college. So the girls, soon to be seniors in high school, took it upon themselves to plan a trip. The girls told the moms what days to take off of work and what to pack, but nothing else. “You need 3 days off, tennis shoes & shorts for sure.” No clues. No hints. No slip ups. Their lips were sealed, but their minds were racing. You could see the sparkle in their eyes when they talked about the upcoming adventure. 

The girls researched where to go, what things to do in the area, popular places to eat, etc. The moms were still totally unaware of what was in store. Anticipation was thick as they loaded up the car early in the morning of day 1. It was 3 hours into the trip before they found out where they were headed. Duluth, MN. 


Their 3 day adventure would take them biking along Canal Park, having meals by Lake Superior, a trip to Gooseberry Falls, Glensheen mansion & Betty’s Pies & more. 3 days. That’s it. This wasn’t a week long vacation to the Caribbean. It was 3 days in northern Minnesota, and it meant more to the moms than the girls will ever know. It meant that they cared enough to want to spend time together. It mean that they planned out their trip with excitement & mystery. It meant that the love those moms show their daughters came back full circle. It makes me emotional and teary eyed thinking about it. I’m sure it will make them all smile each time they think of their trip together. Time spent together that they wouldn’t trade for the world. 

Take the trip. Try the pie. Walk by the lake. Love. Laugh. 

It makes me think of a surprise trip that I planned 16 years ago. Cameron was about to turn 30, and I wanted to surprise him. Before kids, before 9/11, before airport security & before you needed a passport for Canada, I planned a surprise trip to Niagara Falls. I did have a binder and a plan but it was all secret to him. I got him to the airport & had his bags already packed. I had a sign with his name on it. His plane ticket was purchased & we were off.


We stayed on the Canadian Falls side & had a great time. We went on a biking trip to vineyards in the area and saw the falls up close. I normally don’t add this many pictures, but look at these kids!! I’m not sure what made us laugh at the vineyard picture, but I’m guessing it was something that seemed funnier given the amount of wine we had.


I realize that we do need to work to make a living, but it can’t be at the expense of our life. These moments won’t come around again. We don’t get a “do-over.” I still grin when I think about this trip – as will those 4 ladies when they think about their Duluth adventures.

On your journey of enough, take the time to have a detour. Go somewhere new. Try a new food. Have a new adventure. Stop and listen and soak it all in. Spend some time with those you hold dear. Oh, and for sure -have the pie! 

The file grows…

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It all started as I approached 40. I wouldn’t call it a “bucket list,” because I wasn’t planning on dying anytime soon… there were just some new things I thought I should try. Stuck in my routine and bound by anxiety, I felt like I was missing out. So, why not try something new? I wish I would have actually written them all down. Perhaps I didn’t believe in myself enough to think I’d go through with it. Some things that I do remember (starting around, near or after 40):

  1. Colored my hair blonde (just to see if I’d have more fun)
  2. Completed a half marathon (total of 4 times)
  3. Went to a “paint & sip” by myself – did a painting while drinking
  4. Did hot yoga (normally don’t like being hot)
  5. Joined a “fight club” at the gym (I know, I broke the first rule)
  6. Got breast cancer (lumpectomy, radiation & hysterectomy)
  7. Rang the survivor bell (see above)
  8. Got tattoos (just for radiation, haven’t been brave enough to get a fun one)
  9. Wrote/writing a blog
  10. Rode the Wild Thing roller coaster at Valley Fair
  11. Ski @ Red Lodge, MT
  12. Moved my family to Alexandria 
  13. Went to a writers conference 
  14. Rode the Linq wheel in Vegas
  15. Went to a drive in movie 

Did any of them change my life? Yes. Some were intentional & some were not. All came with lessons or realizations of some kind. Some were more profound than others. Coloring my hair made me realize that it’s not your hair color that decides how much fun you have – it’s your willingness to say yes to new things. Completing the half marathons started out as a test for myself to see if I could do half of what my husband does (he’s a full marathoner). It ended up as an emotional journey – my last one being completed a year after my cancer “stuff.” The painting class by myself was proof that I could step outside my comfort zone. I normally avoid situations where I’m alone with 20-30 strangers. I made it through the class and have done it a few times since then – alone and with friends or family. The hot yoga and fight club made me realize that my body can do some amazing things. Also learned that “hot” is ok and I got my pink boxing gloves for fight club. Those pink gloves would be worn the day of my lumpectomy. The cancer wasn’t on my bucket list, but it did change me. It opened my eyes to how short life is. It helped me to realize that it’s ok to take a risk or make a change. It made me realize that it’s alright to need people, to let them bring you meals or flowers or just visit. 

You get the idea… everything had a meaning or a lesson or a realization of some kind. Some stretched me further than I thought I could go. Some prepared me for other things that would come along later. It only happened because I was open to it. Not quite like the Jim Carey “Yes Man” movie, but along those same lines. Before having cancer, our family trips were carefully planned out. I’m talking spreadsheets, budgets, binders, timing of events & places to go, how much we would spend on parking or toll roads – all of it. Planned. After cancer, we went with a rough idea and were more spontaneous. I’ll never forget my boys looking at me and asking what our plan was for the day. When I said “I’m not sure,” their eyes got huge. “What do you mean?!” This whole concept was foreign to them. It has taught them both ways – it’s good and comfortable and reassuring to have a plan, but it can be fun to be spontaneous.

My hope for you is that your own file (“things I never thought I’d do”) grows. Be open to new things. Let people in. Step out of your comfort zone. Take the trip. May your journey of enough lead you to a whole new set of adventures and a peace that fills your soul. 

Sometimes you get an answer you weren’t expecting…

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Last Saturday, I spent the day at the Northwestern Christian Writers Conference  in Minneapolis. I had signed up several months ago, feeling led or drawn to do this. Then the week before the conference, doubt set in… “Why on earth did you sign up for this?!” “What were you thinking?!” “You’re not a good enough writer to go to a conference!” “What do you really want to get out of this?!” “You’re not Christian enough- you only have a few verses memorized.” You get the idea. I asked a friend what I should do – should I still go? I’m not even sure what I want from it. Her advice was great… “Go. Soak it all in. Leave behind any doubts and just see where it leads you.” 

So I did.

Me and several hundred other people. I was amazed at the number of people in the auditorium for the opening message. I looked around and saw a wide variety of people. I had come alone, but some people there clearly knew each other. Some made new friends with whoever was sitting next to them. I grabbed a coffee and almond bread (which was super delicious- like poppyseed but with almonds) and tried to blend in. I felt like this should be a safe place. It’s a Christian writers conference… everyone should be nice, right? The opening message was good. There was a worship band who sang upbeat music to get us all inspired. Then we had break out sessions – groups of 100 or less got together in separate rooms to lean about specific topics. There were people there with varying writing styles, platforms and goals –  children’s books, novels, greeting card writer, bloggers etc. you few the idea. 

It was a roller coaster day. Intimidating. Uplifting. Intriguing. That was all before lunch. Then I had a one on one appointment with an actual published writer. We had 10 minutes in the cafeteria. The bell went off and your 10 minutes started. You got a warning bell at 9 minutes and then another bell at 10 minutes – switch. I didn’t even know what I wanted to ask. I was flustered & insecure. She asked about what I write and I told her. She talked about “branding” and “marketing” and how my blog name was too vague and I needed to be more consistent with my writing. And she didn’t smile. Not once. She almost looked past me when she talked. Unemotional. Unimpressed. I could feel all of my excitement getting sucked out of my soul and stepped on. Then the words all flooded back in to fill that void – “See, you shouldn’t have come.” “What were you thinking?” I almost left early, but I didn’t. I found the courage to stay. 

Then another break out session. This one was the one I needed. While waiting in the classroom for the session to start, a gal sat by me. She was confident and bubbly. “I love your hair!”, she said with an enthusiastic smile. “Is it naturally red & naturally curly??”, she asked with intrigue. “Naturally curly, artificially red,” I said quietly, returning the smile. She asked what kind of writing I do (which was appropriate, given the fact that we were at a writers conference). I told her that I’m kind of a blogger. “Kind of?!”, she said with the same energy as before. “Girlfriend, you are a blogger! You own it!” I thanked her and told her a little bit of my story. She told me some of hers. Then the session began.

“If something doesn’t feel right, then it’s not the right time. God’s timing is different than ours. You will know when the time is right to move forward or take the next step.” This was the part that I took away from the session. This is what I needed to hear. I was led to the conference to get a feel for what I’d experience if I advanced my writing. But those things aren’t what I want. I don’t want a brand name or a marketing department or critics or a schedule & deadline. I just want to write… for me, for you, when I’m inspired. And I grinned. 

It’s ok to not advance this further. It’s ok to have only 20 or so people read what I write.  It’s ok. It’s enough. Maybe someday things will change. Maybe I will write a newspaper article or be a guest blogger or write a book. But if it doesn’t happen, that’s ok too. 

I hope that you feel direction in your life. What are you called to do? If you don’t feel it, are you listening for it? Are you paying attention? Sometimes it takes a while to get the answer we are looking for. Sometimes we end up following a whole new path. We are here for such a short time. Enjoy the journey!

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. (And yes, I’m keeping the name & not yet changing it to something more generic or searchable… because I can)