Tag: #survivor

All in…

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There is a song by Matthew West called “All In.” This is the first part:

My feet are frozen on this middle ground. The water’s warm here, but the fire’s gone out.

I played it safe for so long the passion left
Turns out safe is just another word for regret

So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
We’re all dying to live but we’re all scared to death
And this is the part where my head tells my heart
You should turn back around but there’s no turning back now

I’m going all in. Headfirst into the deep end. I hear You calling, and this time the fear won’t win. I’m going, I’m going all in.

The song is talking about your faith in God – how it feels safe to stay where you are… in the middle ground. If you go to church, do you go just to be seen, or are you the hands & feet of God? Routine and comfort are familiar, but the fire has gone out. Where is the excitement? Sometimes our head tries to keep us in the routine and tries to stifle our hearts. Whenever our hearts try to lead, our heads try to stop us.

  • That’s silly.
  • That’s not practical.
  • That won’t work.
  • Don’t follow your heart.
  • Don’t talk to someone new.
  • Don’t take that risk.

Our heads would like our world to remain small. Our heads would like us to stay safe. The song says “safe is just another word for regret.” At the affirmation & intentions class I went to in Saturday, “All in” was my phrase for 2019. We didn’t do New Years resolutions, but we did have words or phrases to focus on. This is the year I start my book. This is the year we will harvest and sell our fruits and vegetables. This is the year I will write consistently. This is the year I will be “All in.” All in with my family, my faith, my work, my farm, my writing & my love of life.

I hope you have someone who challenges you to move off the “safe middle ground.” Life is meant to be experienced & not just tolerated. Have some fun, try something new or complete something you started long ago. I wish you peace along your journey & maybe you’ll listen to this catchy tune. Don’t let fear win. May you be “All in” on your journey of enough.

And the world didn’t stop…

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This is my Christmas tree. Yes, it’s January and I haven’t taken it down yet. Some of the ornaments are in a box, but most are still on the tree. We traveled a lot over the holidays, but we were home some too. I had all weekend to take it down. Too many excuses… my head hurt, we went ice fishing, we watched movies as a family. My tree is still up and the world didn’t stop.

It’s hard to take time for ourselves. I often feel guilty just sitting down because there is “so much to do.” Sometimes we need to listen to our bodies. My headache was my sign to rest. Spending time with my family fills me up, but so does reading a book. I was able to do both this weekend and I was less than 8 feet from my half- taken down tree. I didn’t completely obsess about it. I didn’t let myself feel guilty. I was thankful for the time to rest, the time to connect and the time to laugh.

Whatever stage your holiday decorations are in, it’s ok. Have the cup of coffee, write in your journal or snuggle up with your kids. Life is short, my friends. If the tree brings you joy, it’s ok that it stays up a little longer. I wish you peace on your journey of enough as we start the new year. Let’s make it a great 2019. Maybe I’ll get to my tree tomorrow, but I know the world won’t stop if I don’t.

I hope you find your people…

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It’s the season of getting Christmas or Holiday cards from friends and family. Some send cards or pictures right after Thanksgiving, some wait until New Years & one friend sends a Halloween card. There are some people I’ve sent to for years and others just recently added. Aside from the year I was diagnosed with cancer (& a little too distracted to get them all sent out), we’ve sent Christmas cards or New Years greetings almost every year. The amount we send out doesn’t equal the number we receive. Some people don’t send them at all, which is fine. I do feel kind of bad when people that I send cards to have sent cards to other people but not to me. It kind of makes me feel like I’m not important enough... Am I not worth the stamp? Not worth the card? I’m not sure of the reason.

Instead of worrying about it, I’ve decided to just focus on the people who give the positive energy back to me… The people who show up, who love me, scars and all. I spent some extra time with family and friends over the Christmas break. We traveled a few different times and tried to make some memories. We ate lots of treats, played games, went skiing, made lefse, drove go-karts and rode roller coasters. As we say good bye to 2018, there will be a lot of “reflective” posts. I don’t have a top 10 list. Many people I care about lost loved ones this year – some unexpectedly & some had been struggling for a while. For myself, I chose to focus on the positive. I learned a lot this year. I grew, I shrunk, I laughed, I cried, I gained new friends and some fell off the radar. Some of them are like the “return to sender,” but that’s ok.

I will look back on 2018 and remember the times I spent with “my people.” Not just one person, but groups of people who get me. Groups of people who think I am enough. All are different… yet all are meaningful. Family, friends, people at work, people I met at classes or retreats, people at church, people at the grocery store… all bring something magical to my life.

For 2019, I welcome in magic, fun, laughter, prosperity, writing, growing, loving, adventure, kindness and vulnerability.

Whatever your new year brings, I wish you peace on your journey of enough. With peace in your heart, you can survive the ebbs and flows of life. I hope you find your people on your journey. Be thankful for your breath and blow the noisemaker!

To my boys… 19 things I want you to know…

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(I started writing this last December but paused. After being stuck at home with influenza for a week last winter, losing some loved ones & watching a couple of TV shows that had some “life is too short moments”… I felt I need to finish this. It’s honest and personal but hopefully inspires someone else to do something similar.)

I’m a mom of 2 boys. In this photo they were 2 & 5. See those smiles? They warm my heart and bring a tear to my eye. I can still hear their giggles. They are growing up so fast. I remember people telling me this would happen and I would just shrug them off… but oh man, they were right. One is almost as tall as me and the other has his drivers permit. Here are some things I want them to know (even though this may embarrass them, they will one day appreciate it)

  1. I love you more than you can comprehend. Both of you.
  2. I am your biggest fan.
  3. I will always feel like a mamma bear for you. I will try to contain this, but I won’t always be able to.
  4. Seeing pictures of you as little boys makes me sad & happy at the same time.
  5. I may nag you to do your homework or clean your room … but you are always good enough.
  6. I only want the best for you. Whatever that is.
  7. I want to protect you and set you free at the same time.
  8. Your worries, anxieties & fears… I’ve had many of them too. I really do understand.
  9. I’m sorry for missing the dinosaur exhibit at school when I thought I was too busy at work. I tried not to let it happen again.
  10. I’m sorry I didn’t know what to say… when other kids were mean to you, when you struggled to fit in, or when your worries overwhelmed you. All I wanted to do was to wrap you up & keep you safe.
  11. I hope you are always there for each other, regardless of your life paths.
  12. After I’m gone, I will still be with you in spirit. Still talk to me and look for signs.
  13. I hope you have amazing life experiences. This will mean something different to each of you.
  14. I’m sorry you had a mom with cancer when you were young, but I hope you see how strong I am. That strength is in you too.
  15. Go on trips. Sometimes have a plan and sometimes just wing it. You won’t regret it either way.
  16. At 18 years old, you do NOT need to know what you want to do for the rest of your life. You are allowed to change your mind.
  17. Wear your seatbelt every time. No exceptions.
  18. Don’t get drunk on your wedding night. You will want to be able to remember it.
  19. Life really is short. Love big, forgive others and make some awesome memories.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you be reminded of the reason for the Christmas season. I hope you are able to be surrounded by the gifts of family this year. I am thankful for my two gifts who will always be enough for me!

Thanks, but no…

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It’s Christmas time and the season of holiday parties. While we don’t have a “work Christmas party,” there are some groups who do parties this time of year. I’m thankful to be invited, but I’m likely not going. I just might not have thought of an excuse yet. I wrote about this last year also, but it bears repeating.

I’m a stereotypical introvert. I need time alone to recharge. I get flustered by people who demand an answer right now. And the thought of going to a party makes my stomach hurt. If you are not an introvert, this probably seems strange. “Just go, it will be fun.” Yeah, I’m sure people will have fun, but if I go, I’d likely fill awkward silence with a drink and that would quickly become out of hand. It is not the image I’d like to portray to my co-workers. When I was 17? Sure, I didn’t care. Also, I’m not good at small talk. If my husband is there, I’m fine – he does all of the talking and story telling. I smile and laugh at his jokes or roll my eyes, and I don’t have to say much.

For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. “Why don’t you come out for happy hour?” I just couldn’t. I’d rather be at home with my family or shopping by myself. It wasn’t until I read some articles on introverts that the lightbulb went off – I’m not so strange. I need to honor and respect that part of me instead of trying to be something I’m not. I have little patience for “fake” people, so why would I want to be one myself?

People have different reasons for not going to the party – maybe they have other things going on in their personal life that they haven’t shared yet. Perhaps they are dealing with loss or being alone. While it’s good to invite people, I think we need to respect their answer. We shouldn’t make them explain their why.

Going to events like this remind me of all of the ways I’m not enough. I realize it’s a self imposed thing – I’m not smiling enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not social enough, I’m not pretty enough… this list goes through my head. I know I need to speak kinder to myself and I’m working on it. It takes time. My request is for the answer of “no, thanks” to be enough.

Peace be with you this holiday season. You are always enough, whether you go to the party or choose to stay home.

Thanks, but no…

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It’s Christmas time and the season of holiday parties. While we don’t have a “work Christmas party,” there are some groups who do parties this time of year. I’m thankful to be invited, but I’m likely not going. I just might not have thought of an excuse yet. I wrote about this last year also, but it bears repeating.

I’m a stereotypical introvert. I need time alone to recharge. I get flustered by people who demand an answer right now. And the thought of going to a party makes my stomach hurt. If you are not an introvert, this probably seems strange. “Just go, it will be fun.” Yeah, I’m sure people will have fun, but if I go, I’d likely fill awkward silence with a drink and that would quickly become out of hand. It is not the image I’d like to portray to my co-workers. When I was younger? Sure, I didn’t care. Also, I’m not good at small talk. If my husband is there, I’m fine – he does all of the talking and story telling. I smile and laugh at his jokes or roll my eyes, and I don’t have to say much.

For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. “Why don’t you come out for happy hour?” I just couldn’t. I’d rather be at home with my family or shopping by myself. It wasn’t until I read some articles on introverts that the lightbulb went off – I’m not so strange. I need to honor and respect that part of me instead of trying to be something I’m not. I have little patience for “fake” people, so why would I want to be one myself?

People have different reasons for not going to the party – maybe they have other things going on in their personal life that they haven’t shared yet. Perhaps they are dealing with loss or being alone. While it’s good to invite people, I think we need to respect their answer. We shouldn’t make them explain their why.

Going to events like this remind me of all of the ways I’m not enough. I realize it’s a self imposed thing – I’m not smiling enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not social enough, I’m not pretty enough… this list goes through my head. I know I need to speak kinder to myself and I’m working on it. It takes time. My request is for the answer of “no, thanks” to be enough.

Peace be with you this holiday season. You are always enough, whether you go to the party or choose to stay home.

He found the joy, did you?

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While shopping at Target last weekend, our youngest son saw this Christmas suit. He is not a typical 12 year old – he loves to wear suits. It’s either suits or sweats. He’s not a fan of jeans for some reason. I think it’s a “tween” thing. Normally, I would refuse such a purchase because who would wear this thing? Him. He would wear it, along with red shoes and the largest grin possible. If he wasn’t required to wear black for his band concert next week, he’d be wearing this suit.

How often in life do we wear our joy? He is wearing it in the form of an obnoxious Christmas suit. What does yours look like? Are we too afraid of what other people will think? I remember when I was young, my mom wouldn’t go to the local grocery store (in our town of 500) unless she at least had lipstick on. I haven’t worn lipstick since my wedding. Everyone has their own idea of acceptable. Our outward appearance doesn’t always match our joy but sometimes it does. Sometimes it’s the opposite – fake joy may equal hidden sadness.

4 years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Stage 1 invasive ductal carcinoma. Some days I felt actually brave, ready to conquer cancer. Other days, I felt like staying in bed and giving up. 4 years ago at Christmas was difficult for me because it made me think of all the what if’s. Lots of scenarios ran through my head while I tried to fake the holiday cheer. I still didn’t know my course of treatment and yet I had to reassure everyone I’d be fine.

Unfortunately, the holidays aren’t filled with joy for everyone. I encourage you to reach out to someone who may be struggling- emotionally or financially, if possible. Just letting people know you care is a huge thing. If you are struggling, I encourage you to seek help. There are better days ahead. If you are filled with joy this holiday season, wear it like this Christmas suit. Spread it around like sunshine and glitter. Our journey of enough isn’t meant to be walked alone. May you find joy this holiday season…whatever form it may be in. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Where is your JOY hiding?

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I found this “Joy” at Target, which seems appropriate, since the store tends to bring me joy. Hang with me for a minute while I give you the background on Joy…

At the retreat I attended in Duluth, we played hide & seek. This seemed silly at the time, but we paired up (just like when you were a kid)… one person hid while the other was the seeker. Jodie Harvala, our retreat leader said, “If you feel like you are supposed to hide in the middle of the room, that’s ok.” And that’s what one person did – stood in the room with her arms wide open. (I think she was the first one found.) I recall mumbling to myself, “why couldn’t mine have been that easy!” I looked around the big meeting room but didn’t see my partner. I checked the bathroom and sauna but she wasn’t there. I went down to the bunk bed area where we were camping out, but she wasn’t there either. Back upstairs I went, feeling like a failure. “I stink at this, I must have no intuition….” This time I said it out loud. Jodie heard me and said, “Did you try asking where she is? Is she sending you signs?” I walked directly back downstairs and found her right away! She was hiding behind the coats, in the small/kids section. (She’s probably 6-8″ taller than me). When it was my turn to hide, I hid in the hall closet with the vacuum in the dark. Even though she was pretty sure I was in there, she still jumped when she found me.

We all laughed and got back together as a group. Then Jodie said something that was amazing to me. “The person hiding represents your JOY. What was your reaction? Where did you find it?” Wow. While I was looking for my joy, I found someone else’s joy and it scared me. I didn’t trust my intuition and doubted I’d find it. There it was, with the kids coats. Hearing that made my eyes a little misty… my kids are my joy. One person’s joy was right in front of her, waiting to be found. What started out as an intuition exercise turned into so much more and yet none of us had the same experience.

I purchased this joy as a reminder to me of that weekend and the experience. This time of year, we see lots of JOY signs – the kind in the picture and the other signs of joy that aren’t physical, but felt. I hope you will be on the lookout for joy. It might be in the cupcakes you deliver to your neighbor, the stranger’s coffee you purchase, the friendly cashier or server, the songs of children or the purr of a cat. If we slow down & really listen, maybe we can find it more easily. Or maybe it wasn’t hiding at all – it was standing in the room, arms wide open, just waiting for you to open your eyes.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough this holiday season. I truly hope you find your Joy!

Thanks & giving…

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This past Thursday, we spent Thanksgiving with extended family & friends. 2 large meals and a whole table of pies and desserts made for some stuffed guests, not just stuffed turkey. Friday morning at 3:30am, our alarm rang. We threw some clothes on & hopped in the car. This year, our boys came with us for Black Friday shopping. Their eyes were wide yet sleepy while hundreds of people streamed into Fleet Farm on a chilly North Dakota morning. Some were just there for the free stuffed sloth. We made a couple more stops and didn’t have to wait in line too long. The reward? Some kid-approved Christmas gifts & Sandy’s donuts (one of the best donut shops around). We have lots to give thanks for.

We stayed in West Fargo with our friends. Our plans were to do our Christmas baking on Saturday. Since Black Friday shopping went smoothly, we started baking a few things early. Our annual baking day turned into baking days – plural. Most of our recipes were doubled or x6! A neighbor & her mom came over to join in the fun. From Friday afternoon through Saturday at 9pm, we went through more than 25lbs of sugar and flour, over 120 eggs. My husband packaged all of the treats into 3 separate tables of containers. Her husband did dishes for hours. We mixed, measured, scooped, baked, dipped and rolled until we smelled like sugar. Our aprons, the counters and the floors were covered in sugar & flour. Good thing my friend loves to sweep! Many of these goodies will be gifts. Some will be for piano open houses, some for bus drivers, teachers, neighbors and co-workers. Family gatherings and pot-luck events and a Relay for Life fundraiser will all benefit from our baking day. Our joy is in giving it away! (Of course some will be snacks at home too)

You know the saying that anything “baked with love” tastes better? I think that’s why people love our treats. They aren’t anything strange or necessarily special- but they are baked with love. While Christmas music plays in the background, we bake our treats and visit. There may have been a glass or two of wine included, but not too much – we need to make sure the measurements are accurate! We can’t exactly remember when it started, but it’s been about 9-10 yrs that we have baked together. I think we only missed the year we moved. Each year, one of us packs up half the kitchen and comes with recipes and “raw materials” to bake several dozen treats. I think we made 25 different kinds of treats this year, but we’ve been told to scale back next year, our our packaging department might protest.

Whatever your holiday traditions are, I hope they involve both thanks AND giving. Peace be with you on your journey of enough & may you enjoy a holiday treat or spend some time laughing and visiting with those you love.

Not just another angel…

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Do you collect anything? I’m not sure if people still do that. One of our sons collects fishing gear but that’s not what I’m referring to. When I was young, I remember my mom’s spoon collection. Decorative spoons from places we visited were displayed in a case. She also collected angels. We would try to find unique or meaningful angels. One of my favorite ornaments (aside from ones my kids made) is an angel from her that says “I made a wish and you came true.” My maternal grandmother crocheted an angel tree topper and it sits on top of our tree every Christmas. She lived to be 95 and it’s a great reminder each year.

I went to Israel when I was in high school. We saw a bunch of camels there, and I brought some camel figurines home as a memento. Since the only camels in North Dakota live in zoos, they were fascinating to me. Shortly after that trip, I started collecting camels. I got tired of dusting them and scaled them down, especially during our moves.

My mother-in-law used to collect bells and angels. I’m not sure of the story behind the bells. My husband thought it might be related to the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.” She had a variety of angel figurines too. I’m not sure which ones were the most meaningful to her. I didn’t get a chance to ask. She passed away in September, just shy of her 71st birthday. She had stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She first had breast cancer shortly after we were married. It returned last year. When people remember her, it’s often for the way she spoke her mind. It’s also for how strong & tough she was. My husband and I started dating in 1993, so I knew her for 25 years. We are probably more similar than I’ll admit out loud. We both love my husband & my boys, we both had breast cancer, we both speak our minds and we are both tough/strong women. This angel will be given to my father-in-law to place at her gravesite until a headstone is ready. It was hand made by a guy in Fargo,ND – Eli Harvala. It’s not “just another angel.” It’s one that will rust & tarnish with time, a reminder that none of us are perfect. We start out as babies, all shiny and new, and the storms of life alter our appearance. The comforting thing, to me, is that her spirit will live on – free from pain, free from worry. Her spirit is shiny and new.

If you are new to my blog, I frequently end with, “peace be with you on your journey of enough.” To me, peace is an amazing feeling… one I know my mother-in-law is experiencing now, but one we can experience on earth too.