Tag: #survivor

Zip lines & spider webs…

On By journeyofenough2 Comments

2 years ago, I was zip lining in the mountains of CA for a cancer survivor retreat. I like to remember that trip. For me, it reminds me of what is possible. It reminds me I can fly to CA, drive up a mountain by myself (without getting lost), and stay with strangers who would become friends. I can do a ropes course, zip line and do yoga on the mountainside. I can share my story, and listen to someone else’s story without fear or judgement. I grew a lot that weekend. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I think it was a turning point for me. I can do the tough things and still be vulnerable.

It’s bittersweet because we’ve lost some of the ladies from the retreat. My heart aches for their loved ones who have a void that won’t be filled. The kids who miss their mom, the spouses, friends and parents who reach for the phone and realize they can’t call to say hi. They enriched the lives of those they touched, but it still doesn’t make sense why they had to pass. Some things just don’t have easy answers.

The loss reminds me to appreciate my health, to cherish my friendships and to find JOY. It reminds me to fill my circle with people who cheer me on, even if I don’t make it across the ropes. We all have an invisible connection. When I picture it, I see a spider web. It slowly spins as we tell our stories and gain a connection. By the end of the weekend, the web was strong. Roommates, similar diagnosis, similar struggle, similar victories, similar likes and dislikes, with a common respect and a lasting connection.

A zip line in the mountains was where I found my courage. A zip line in the mountains was where I laughed and screamed and almost puked. A zip line in the mountains will hold a special place in my heart. And every year when this memory pops up, I will think of this web of connection woven between women who started with one common thread (cancer), and ended up with so many more. Your tragedy doesn’t have to define you, but it sure shapes you in a different way.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find your own “zip line in the mountains” and don’t forget to keep your eyes open. The view is breathtaking!

Are you willing to stick your tongue out?

On By journeyofenough1 Comment

This is one of the many bird feeders in our back yard. It is empty. Although we’ve had some snow lately, it has melted and hopefully it will feel like spring soon. The bird feeder isn’t empty due to a bunch of migrating birds returning from their winter vacation. It’s not empty because of a wind storm or squirrels. Nope, it is empty due to the deer wandering through the yard. While this feeder closes if a squirrel gets on it, it does not close if a deer sticks its tongue through the hole to lick out the bird seed.

Pretty creative, right? The deer walking from the state park through our yard like to stop for a snack, I guess. We have 3 “winter feeders” we keep full all year. These 3 deer were having some breakfast when we looked out the patio. (Our snow is gone finally- this was a little while ago)

How often does our life not go quite like we planned it? How often are we forced to adapt? Sometimes we have to be creative, be like the deer and stick our tongue out. It might be something small like a road detour causing us to reroute. It might be a larger event – job change, a sickness, a marriage, divorce, baby or graduation causing us to adjust to our new circumstances. Will you keep walking past the feeder, not even realizing that it’s a solution? Will you pay attention to the person showing you the way? Will you take the path not yet traveled? Sometimes the detour is wonderful and exciting, yet other times it feels scary. There isn’t one right answer, you just have to be open to new ways to seek help or find solutions.

I was happy that there were deer in the back yard. If it was a bear in the bird feeder, that might have been a different story. My chickens are pretty safe with the deer. Deer are often a symbol of peace and serenity. I figured they had some kind of lesson or wisdom to share. I think the wisdom is ‘to find peace amidst the change.’ Often times, the part of change that feels scary is the lack of control… the fear of the unknown. Maybe if we are willing to stick out tongues out, we might find what we are looking for.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find some answers you’ve been searching for, and maybe a full bird feeder or two.

Hang on!

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Roller coasters. I feel like you either love them or avoid them at all costs. I’ve been on more actual roller coasters in the last 6 years than my previous 41 years combined. I’ve had my share of emotional and life related roller coasters also.

Last week marked 6 years since I rang the bell at the cancer center, signaling the end of active treatment. The 5 months from diagnosis to bell ringing was a fast roller coaster. It had lots of twists and turns. It made me sick to my stomach at times, elated, feeling like I was just dropped 7 stories, smiling, upside down, laughing and wanting to scream. It felt like the slow “click-click-click” as you inch towards the top peak, and the racing/rattling of the downward descent. You feel relief when the ride stops, but then you realize that wasn’t the end. There is another section. It might be the lazy river but it might be the corkscrew or a 100 year old wooden roller coaster. You might even get stuck at the upward ascent (this actually happened to us – someone had their phone out and was going to take pictures, which is against their rules).

The last 6 years have had plenty of roller coaster moments, but none as quick as those 5 months. I could almost break the last 6 years up into separate “rides.” …Cancer treatment…recovery…selling a house…moving…having teenagers…starting a new job…loss of friends…loved ones with cancer…pandemic…distance learning…starting a farm & business…writing for a compilation book. Each different in their own way, but not without their twists and turns. The roller coaster in the photo happens to be one in the shape of a cancer ribbon. I thought it was fitting for me. Your roller coaster will look completely different. Yours may be full of people or just have a few. You might be laughing the whole time or scared to death. You may feel like you are completely in the dark or basking in a bright sunny day. None of it is wrong, it’s just part of life.

There are some upcoming roller coaster rides that I’m aware of – graduation, moving the oldest son from MN to MT, having a chapter published in an actual book, adjusting to one son at home, driver’s ed… but there are so many that aren’t planned also. There will be times we want to close our eyes and hope it will end and other times when we want to enjoy the view. I’m thankful to have you on my roller coaster ride. Wait, do rides make you sick? I’ll sit in front.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May your roller coaster ride have some great times, with you in the front row. Throw your hands in the air, take some Dramamine and don’t forget to take the change out of your pocket. Hang on!

For the birds….

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

I was recently looking for an upgrade in eyeglasses. Normally, I’d have one of the guys come with me to help narrow it down. I mean, they look at me way more than I look at myself. But, due to COVID19, I had to go alone. I couldn’t try on 50 pairs either. I normally have a difficult time deciding. I had to leave it all in the hands of the eyeglass expert.

If you’re new here, letting go of control is not easy for me. To just sit there while she chose the glasses FOR me was a big test of strength. She came back with 5 pairs. Wait, where are the other 45? How will I pick from 5? The first one was cute, second one was too small, 3rd one was cute, 4th was too tight and the 5th one was funky. I narrowed down to 3, took pictures and send to my husband. While I was talking to him to see his opinion, she told me the funky one has actual feathers on the side. What?! Ok, never mind, that makes the decision so much easier! So my new glasses will be “from the birds” instead of “for the birds.”

It’s so easy to stay in the middle. To stay safe and comfortable and not make changes. Sometimes it’s fun to go a little outside the lines. I used to be more fun. I used to not follow the rules or worry as much about what people thought. I’m trying to get a little bit of that back… perhaps a new “middle ground” that has a little more harmony. Aside from new glasses, I have a few other things up my sleeve. You’ll have to wait for them to unfold. One of the big ones is becoming a published author in June. I’ve submitted my 2,000 word chapter for a compilation book. “Why do you want to be a published author?” Because it will feel like a validation for me, it will be outside of the middle ground and it will make me feel a little more enough.

What kind of shift can you make? What will stretch you outside of your middle ground? Maybe it will be for the birds and maybe it will be from the birds. Whatever it is, it will be enough. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Out of the spotlight…

On By journeyofenough4 Comments

My mom recently turned 80. She has never liked the spotlight. She probably won’t like the attention, but she deserves to be celebrated. We couldn’t go see her on her birthday because our son was exposed to Covid and had to quarantine. It broke his heart and mine too. We want her to know how special she is and how much we love her.

Where to start? My mom is the oldest of 10 kids. I remember stories about the one room schoolhouse and the farm they grew up on. I remember big Christmas get togethers and family reunions filled with laughter and food. But it’s the small things too that make her special. My oldest son says she makes the best toast. My youngest son says she makes the best mac and cheese. Everyone is convinced her scalloped potatoes and ham have some secret ingredient because we can’t quite replicate it. Not only the food she makes, but her smile, her warm laugh, her hugs and the way she loves her family makes her one of a kind.

She has always been an example of giving. As a church secretary for many years, she was often a listening ear to whoever was waiting for the pastor or happened to stop by. She would write notes to people in need of a smile. She listened to many hours worth of teen heartbreak and drama (and I understand now how difficult that must have been.) She went to my band/choir concerts, 4-h events, track meets, plays, basketball and wrestling to watch me cheer. She’d make pizzas and malts for me and my friends before a game. Many slumber parties and sleep overs were held on that orange shag carpet and my friends always knew there would be treats.

She taught me to sew, how to bake, how to do laundry and how to write thank you notes. She showed me the importance of faith and giving. She used to have “Hobby Club” and “Homemakers” and Bible study meetings. Aside from her weekly hair appointment, those were the few “self care” things she did. She is an example of how to show up for those you love. It’s one of the reasons I was sad that I couldn’t show up for her. It was beyond my control, but sometimes lack of control is hard to accept.

80 years is a big deal. I’m sad to have missed most of the last year with mom, but know it was important to keep them safe & healthy. Too often we wait to tell those we love what an impact they have on our lives. So, to anyone reading, I hope you tell someone today what they mean to you. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. If your loved one has passed, sit quietly and talk to them as if they are still here. Their spirit is with you.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Mom, you’ve always been more than enough and I’m forever grateful God chose you to be my mom. It was worth the wait!

Before selfies…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

This week marked 26 yrs since my husband proposed. This photo wasn’t taken at the proposal. It wasn’t common to have people photograph or document it. Heck, we still had regular film cameras where you had to take your film in to be developed (& hope for some good ones). Selfies weren’t a thing yet. We took this picture at the International Peace Gardens in 1997. We went after Labor Day and there were very few people, so we took the phot ourselves. Odds are, there are 10 others that have part of our heads or just the sky in them, but this one was good. We camped in a tent there, saw porcupines, deer, tons of beautiful flowers and we did lots of biking.

It got me thinking… what would I say to my “26 years ago self?” My experiences brought me to where I am today, but that young 21 year old had no idea what was in store. What would I say to that young lady?

  • Your wedding day will be the fastest day of your life. Enjoy it.
  • Sometimes it takes a while to have a family. Hold on, it’s worth the wait.
  • Hold those babies more! Let them sit on your lap longer, rock them and give them even more kisses than you already did.
  • Lighten up. 21 yr old me went from wild to serious and stayed there too long.
  • Don’t lose yourself. It’s ok to have dreams and goals of your own. Don’t get too lost in everything else that you forget to take care of yourself.
  • You cannot pour from an empty cup.
  • One day you will look back at the “Rice a Roni years” and realize you can get by with less.
  • Jalapeño peppers will burn your hands.
  • You will meet some magical ladies. Listen and learn. They help you discover part of yourself that is also magical.
  • Date night. Seriously. Get a sitter and go out more.
  • Love your body in all it’s phases. One day you’ll wish you were the size you are now. Love yourself through all of it.
  • 529 plan. Look into it. College is no longer $12k for 4 years!
  • Slow down. Life goes by fast enough.
  • S’mores for breakfast & pancakes in letter shapes are totally ok when camping. Your kids will remember it.
  • Before you know it, you’ll be knocking on the door of 50. Enjoy the journey.
  • Have more massages, take more walks, spend more time by the water.
  • You will complete half marathons and then forget you’re capable of it. Don’t forget.
  • You’ll experience the power of prayer and feel people praying for you.
  • Keep sharing. Keep sending notes and baking treats for people and sending care packages.
  • Be in the pictures. The number on your jeans doesn’t matter. Your family loves you at all sizes.
  • 26 years later, you’d still say “yes” again.

I’m sure there is more. But, like I said, all of those experiences, victories and mistakes got me to where I am today… so maybe I wouldn’t change much. I bet she wouldn’t listen anyway. She was pretty stubborn. I would tell her to make more photo books because her iPhone will run out of space. (Then she’d wonder what I was talking about!)

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Have some grace with your younger self. She/he did the best they could, and brought you to where you are.

You can’t skip the flour and the dishes…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

I have always loved to bake. I make pies, cookies and breads for the farmers market. Pies are a favorite. There is something special about a homemade pie crust. The flakey, crispy, melt in your mouth pie crust brings back memories for many people. It brings me back to my mom’s kitchen in the 1911 farmhouse I grew up in. It makes me think of the red and white Betty Crocker cookbook (the crust recipe I always use). I remember her saying, “Save your fork,” after the meal… then you knew there would be dessert!

Aside from pumpkin (which HAS to be Festal), I make all of my fillings from scratch. It isn’t quick but I’ve gotten better at pie time management. Before a market, I’ll prep the filling mixes (the sugar, flour, cinnamon etc) so that it’s ready to mix in with the fruit when the crust is made. I’ll have my son help line some pizza pans with foil to reduce oven drips. I’ll make sure I have the cinnamon and sugar mixed up for the pie crust crispies.

There are some things about pie baking you just can’t skip. For mine, I need flour. I haven’t tried gluten free pie crust yet and I don’t have a flour free kitchen, so there is flour everywhere. It’s difficult to keep flour off the counter, the apron and even the floor. It’s a key ingredient to the crust. It can’t be skipped. Dishes are the other thing that comes with baking. Even though I put pies in disposable tins, I have bowls for the crusts, the special fork I use to mix it, the rolling pin, all of the measuring spoons and cups and even a small basting brush to make the top of the crust extra tasty. Dishes. Ugh. If ever I could hire help, it would be solely for the dishes. But they are necessary.

The mess is necessary. You can’t skip it. You can’t skip an ingredient and the dishes have to be done. Similar to life, you can’t skip the middle. You can’t skip over the messy parts or the clean up. You’ll get covered in flour and have a full dishwasher, but in the end, you’ll have a wonderful, delicious pie. (Ok yes, you could just buy a pie, but you get the idea). To me, baking is therapy. It’s soothing. I am creating something and sharing a skill. I’m baking JOY. I’m offering a connection – since most people share a pie (although I do not judge if you chose to keep one for yourself!)

I love seeing the people smile at the market when they buy a pie. They talk about bringing it to a friend for pie and ice cream, or a having a coffee snack. They don’t think about the mess behind it, they just get to enjoy the finished product. They have their own “flour and dishes” to deal with. We all do. Let people into your flour mess. Let them help with the dishes. And let them scoop up some ice cream when you’re done. We are meant to help each other in some way. We might as well enjoy some pie too.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. I also wish for you to have flour messes and dishes so you can get to the pie part. Save your fork, the best is yet to come.

Detours and rerouting …

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

This is a small dam near our place. The water from the lake flows over the dam and down the river. If you look closely, you can see the erosion on the far side. The water decided it wanted to go on the other side of that metal wall. It eroded the bank and started to flow a little too quickly.

This is the river we float down in the summer. This is my relaxing spot. For a couple of hours, time slows down. The water and the sun, the slow pace, the wildlife and fish… it’s all just what I need. Catching up with friends while we slowly float down the river is a highlight of the summer.

I’m not sure what it will look like this year. They are adding rock and trying to fix the erosion. Since it’s only March, (and in MN that means we still have potential winter), we have time. Also, the lake it flows from is one of the deepest, so it melts last. This means the water is pretty cold in the spring. We have some time before we need to air up the lounge floaters.

This wasn’t part of the plan for the dam. It’s a detour, a rerouting. It got me thinking about all of the detours or rerouting I’ve gone through. Some times I welcomed it, and other times I resisted. It came either way, whether I was ready or not. It’s more comfortable to stay in the stream, to stay the course. We get caught up in routines and before we know it, a whole year has gone by. Cancer was a detour, moving was a rerouting… they both created experiences I wouldn’t have had if I had stayed where I was. I wouldn’t have met the people I met because of cancer. I wouldn’t be writing a blog each week. I wouldn’t have gotten rid of household cleaning chemicals or become aware of my health. I wouldn’t get to wake up to rows of trees and chickens and a cat if we hadn’t moved. I wouldn’t have grown a huge garden and become a cottage food producer. I wouldn’t have perfected a pie crust and found almond cake recipes.

Sometimes it’s ok to be rerouted. Sometimes it’s ok to have a detour. You never know where you will end up as a result. For me, I hope the actual river will be great for tubing when May rolls around. Wherever your life detour takes you, I hope you have someone to share it with. While you’re being rerouted, I hope you know you are enough. If you’re struggling with that, please reach out. Talk to a friend, a pastor, a counselor… someone. Sometimes we just need to share our story and to know we aren’t alone in the detour. I wish you peace on your journey of enough.

But we will…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Last weekend, my husband and I drove to Fargo to return some things. Outgrown, duplicates and just plain “not needed” stuff filled the back seat. We left our house for the afternoon, just the two of us. As we drove away, I said, “This is kind of like a long date!” He looked at me like I was nuts. The thing is, I can’t remember the last time we went somewhere alone. It might have happened in the last year but it certainly wasn’t want a regular thing. It was enough to make it seem special. No occasion, just a Saturday afternoon to go to “the big city,” return some things, see friends in person and have some delicious food.

Our short shopping trip was successful. Items returned or exchanged quickly and easily. I’ve been working from home a lot and just don’t go out much. It felt good to be away from home. I no longer live near a Kohl’s or Old Navy or Scheels. I miss the variety and the selection (& quite honestly, the thrill of shopping.) I remember thinking, “I’ll never take shopping for granted again….” but we will. We will get vaccinated and get herd immunity and some parts of life will get back to normal. We will look at a trip to Target as a chore instead of a rare outing.

We went out for supper and met our two friends. We couldn’t recall the last time we saw each other in person. We weren’t sure when the last time just the 4 of us went out for a meal either. We enjoyed some appetizers and flights of beer (or ciders in my case). Our meal was great. I remember thinking, “We won’t take this for granted again.” But we will. We will eventually be eating in full restaurants. We will sit down instead of getting take out or delivery or contactless drop off.

I remember when I broke my foot after my radiation was done. The long wait of wearing a boot, using a scooter and not putting weight on my foot seemed endless. “I’ll be so thankful when I can walk again. I won’t take it for granted.” But I did. My son did the same after he broke his leg. He doesn’t think much about it now.

We aren’t meant to dwell in the past. We may think we can’t move forward, but we will. The bumps in the road are reminders that we are human… we aren’t immortal or invincible. There are no capes or magic wands to wave. We will get through this. Will their be changes and even loss? Unfortunately, yes. Our journey is meant to bring us together, and that seems so contradictory when we’ve spent so much time apart over the last year.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. We may think we won’t ever get back to normal, but we will.

Never too old for “firsts”…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

This past weekend, we flew from MSP to Bozeman. We had originally planned to fly to Kalispell, MT when we thought that’s where our oldest son was moving. We were scheduled to go over October break, but things were too risky with Covid, and vaccines hadn’t come out yet. Between then and now, he decided NOT to move to Kalispell, or to go to Billings. He wanted to see Bozeman once more before moving there and get a feel for the town. It’s 170 days until he moves away.

There were a few “firsts” on this trip.

  • First time traveling without snacks
  • First time changing flight plans a week before the trip
  • First time flying first class
  • First time in Yellowstone National Park
  • First time on a winter wildlife safari
  • First time seeing a wolf pack surround an elk
  • First time in the Bozeman airport
  • First time flying during a pandemic
  • First time in a Murdoch’s store
  • First Roost chicken and Red Tractor Pizza

I’m sure there are more “firsts.” Each time we travel, we try to eat somewhere new. (Or at least somewhere we can’t go to at home… so no McDonald’s, Culver’s, Taco John’s etc). We had a big lunch one day and were too stuffed for supper. Instead, we decided to go out for ice cream. I might have added it to the list, but I can’t guarantee it’s a first time having just ice cream for supper. It for sure is the first time we’ve had ice cream AND shared huckleberry shakes for supper. (It was amazing!)

While we sometimes remember the “firsts,” we aren’t always sure when we will have the “lasts.” The last time our kids held our hand or wanted to sit on our lap. The last time we heard someone’s laugh. The last time we hug someone we love. A friend of mine has gone through a lot of loss in the last year. A LOT of people she knows and loves have passed on. Some of them were known to be passing due to illness and some were sudden. It’s a lot for our hearts to bear. We want to help others navigate their loss, while still trying to process our own. We miss seeing them in person. We miss their smile, their stories, their touch. Was our time together enough? What do we remember most? Memories & pictures are what remain after they are gone. The other “stuff” left behind is just that. Stuff. It’s those moments of joy that bring us back to the time when they were here physically.

It’s one of the reasons I like to go on trips. Memories. Moments. Joy. A little escape from regular life that carves out some firsts…. some “remember when?…” It’s putting a pause on Groundhog Day and making room for some Pennies from Heaven.

As we flew into the Bozeman airport, my son said, “Can I just live here forever?”… and that’s when my mommy heart knew that my boy had found his place. He will be living in a beautiful town, surrounded by mountains and streams and abundant wildlife. He will have so many new “firsts” coming up. I hope someday he will remember this trip and smile…and know how very loved he is. I’m so excited for your journey, buddy. You are always enough.

I wish you all peace on your journey of enough. If your heart is hurting and missing the “lasts,” think back to the “firsts” and go create some new ones. You might just find some signs from your loved ones when you do. We found pennies and quarters on our trip. Each time, I stopped and smiled, and my heart was happy.