Tag: #kindness

What to do or say…

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When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, I had no idea how it would change my life. Writing a Caring Bridge update and then a regular blog has opened me up for questions. I get asked from friends, relatives and acquaintances about how they can help their newly diagnosed cancer friend. I am honored to answer such questions. I know everyone’s journey is different and not everyone appreciates the same things I do. I hope I am able to give some good advice and perhaps spark some joy for those who are traveling a scary path.

Here are some things I frequently tell people when I’m asked, “what can I do?!”

Do:

  • Reach out to them in some way.
  • Send a card or note – it doesn’t have to be big. (I kept all of the cards and notes)
    Journals or notebooks are helpful. There are lots of Dr appointments, things to remember or record. They may also want a journal to chronicle their journey.
    Start a meal train to make sure they don’t have to worry about supper.
    Support their family – their spouse/partner or kids. (Take the kids somewhere fun or just drive them to events, if needed.)
    Offer to do their grocery shopping, laundry or cleaning.
    Give some gift cards to the family.
    Offer a massage certificate.
    Tell positive stories about survivors.
    Give a good book, one you’ve enjoyed – it doesn’t need to be new.
    Hug or touch them, if appropriate. Cancer isn’t contagious.
    Pray intentionally for and/or with them.

Don’t:

  • Don’t tell them stories about people who died. They do not need to know about your neighbor’s aunt who had the same thing and died in 3 weeks.
  • Please don’t ignore them. This is hurtful. The people who left me during cancer were not really my friends.
  • Don’t ask them to “let me know what I can do to help.” They do not need to find a to-do list for you. They are seriously just trying to get by. I know people mean well by this, but it’s one of the least helpful things (in my opinion).
  • Don’t tell them, “I was going to stop by/call/do something etc.” This tells them you thought about it for a minute but you really weren’t worth their time. Sometimes it’s because they wanted to do the perfect or huge thing and didn’t get around to it.
    Please don’t judge how the spend their time or money. You probably don’t know their whole story.
    Don’t look at them like they are about to die. They can see the “oh this must be so difficult” look on your face.
    Don’t tell them it’s karma. (Seriously, someone said this to me.)

Some people love the word survivor, while others find it annoying. Some choose to go through their journey quietly, not wanting people to know. Everyone is different… but hopefully this gives you some ideas of what helped me. This applies to many situations, not just cancer – anyone who is struggling may benefit from the list above.

Go write the note, make the call or bring the hot dish. I believe God puts people in our path for a reason, so who am I to argue with that? On your journey of enough, there will be bumps along the way. Hopefully those bumps are also learning experiences and you have someone to love and support you. Peace be with you, and your friend.

Neo what?

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Before 2014, I hadn’t heard the word “neoplasm” before. If you would have asked me what it was, I would have assumed it was some kind of science fiction term. I might have thought it had something to do with The Matrix (since Neo was the main character). I never thought it would be part of my permanent record. (My medical record, not my criminal record.)

Yesterday was my oncology follow up. Every 6 months, I drive back to Fargo to meet with the oncology Dr to see if anything has changed. Before this appointment, I had an MRI, ultrasound and mammogram in Alexandria. A few days after the tests and before the oncology appointment, I skimmed through the test results online looking for key words… “no sign of malignancy,” “benign,” “no abnormalities.” I’m not a doctor, but I know that if you have those 3 tests and there is anything suspicious, they will call you. Since I was reading these results myself, this was also a good sign. I saw nothing that looked concerning.

A neoplasm is a fancy word for tumor. My medical records will always include “malignant neoplasm of central portion of left female breast.” I will always remember December 2014. The timing of cancer free or survivor vary depending on what you’re talking about. They consider you a survivor when you’re diagnosed… I guess because you’re not dead? That part seemed strange to me. You’re considered cancer free after they remove your tumor. The “5 year mark” for me is based on when I started my hormone suppressing (aka “anti-cancer pills.”) I started those the summer after my hysterectomy, so according to that, I’m at 3 1/2 years. These were all things we discussed at the appointment. Since my side effects are minimal, I will likely stay on this medication for 10 years. The doctor agreed. It was a pretty uneventful appointment, and I am SUPER thankful!

After I got the “all clear,” I stopped up to see a friend (similar in age) on the oncology floor. He was in for low white counts and infection risk. We talked about somedays. I shared with him my clean bill of health, we talked about how kids process a parent with cancer, and we talked about how this changes you. It’s difficult to describe unless it’s happened to you. Someday we will take the trip. Someday I’ll change jobs. Someday we will start a family (not either of us by the way.. I was just making a point.) Cancer gives you a reminder that we are human. We aren’t meant to walk the earth in the same body forever. We don’t have an unlimited time line. Love, live life and experience it!

When I read the word neoplasm, my heart stops a little. Perhaps years from now it won’t do that, but for now it still does. It releases a flood of emotions some days, and other days I don’t think about it as much. For today, I will thank the neoplasm for all it has taught me, and be thankful it is gone.

On your journey of enough, may you be surrounded by people who care about you. Go do one of your somedays & reach out to that person you’ve been “meaning to call.”

Do it anyway…

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Another storm was set to dump a foot of snow on MN this past Saturday, and our youngest son, Myles is still in a full leg cast. I had made reservations for one night at the Stoney Ridge Treehouse in Burtrum, MN. Would we be able to get there? Would we be able to get out? Would Myles enjoy it at all? Should we cancel? The snow was supposed to start early, but it looked ok at home. The owner texted me saying we could arrive sooner because the people ahead of us were gone and they knew we’d want to arrive before travel became difficult.

We had an uneventful drive to the treehouse. The roads were actually pretty clear. Aside from some backseat driving, um, I mean navigating, we made it to the treehouse by noon. The snow was falling gently. The treehouse has a covered bridge up to it, so it was accessible for Myles. Once we got settled, Cameron & Dallas put on their boots to trek down to the lake. No fishing gear came along this time, but they wanted to check it out for future trip possibilities. The 850 square foot treehouse is beautiful. Hand crafted cabinets and furniture, big beams and lots of windows made this an impressive cabin.

There is a small kitchen, a main bedroom and a small bathroom. As much as Myles wanted to go up to the loft, that wasn’t an option. Up there was a table & chairs, futon, tv, bed and another bedroom. We’d make some modifications and have the TV on the main floor so he could enjoy them also. We had brought movies with us & popcorn too!

I’d be lying if I said it was a “technology free” stay, but it was relaxing. As the snow continued to fall, we turned the outside lights on to watch. One big circle window at the top was designed with a light above it, so it looks like a snow globe when it’s snowing. We didn’t try the hot tub because that would have been difficult for Myles, but they had one there & the people before us had clearly enjoyed it. I’m sure it would be fun in the snow too!

We watched movies, took a nap, read a book and looked through the pictures chronicling the story of the treehouse being built. We read the journal entries of the guests before us (sometimes with added info for dramatic effect). We played Sequence and taught the boys International Rummy. We made our own food and even had heart shaped pastries for breakfast. At one point, my husband said, “This makes your heart happy, doesn’t it?” Yes, yes it does. Because to these three guys, I am enough. I’m the one who plans our family trips, makes sure everyone packed their clothes (but sometimes forgets the toothbrush), plans the meals and packs the snacks. As we packed up, 24 hours after our arrival, Myles said, “thanks for a fun time.” And it was all worth it. The drive home was more challenging due to the foot of snow, but the roads were plowed and the sun was shining. We made it home safely.

My advice is… on your journey of enough, if there are challenges or obstacles, do it anyway. Take the trip, spend the time together & soak it up like a sponge. Don’t forget to take the picture, even if they have to get back out of the car (& you risk the embarrassment of someone seeing it.) Do it anyway.

Well done…

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I’m not talking about steak or my score on this game… it’s a song. I know I write a lot about songs, but it’s one of the ways I pay attention to messages. A Contemporary Christian group, “The Afters,” has a song on Sirius radio called “Well Done.” I hear it a lot. I feel like many of us long to be told “good job” or “well done.” Such simple words, but when they aren’t said, can leave us searching to be enough.

Here are some of the lyrics:

What will it be like when my pain is gone
And all the worries of this world just fade away?
What will it be like when You call my name
And that moment when I see You face to face?
I’m waiting my whole life to hear You say
Well done, well done
My good and faithful one
Welcome to the place where you belong
Well done, well done
My beloved child
You have run the race and now you’re home
Welcome to the place where you belong
What will it be like when tears are washed away
And every broken thing will finally be made whole?
What will it be like when I come into Your glory
Standing in the presence of a love so beautiful?
I’m waiting my whole life for that day
I will live my life to hear You say
Well done, well done
My good and faithful one
Welcome to the place where you belong
Well done, well done
My beloved child
You have run the race and now you’re home
Welcome to the place where you belong

Powerful words. The lyrics seem to imply that we have to wait until we are gone to hear God say, “well done.” I happen to disagree. I think he says it in ways we might not recognize… When we pay it forward to someone in the drive though and they smile, God smiles too. When we reach out to someone who is sad, hurting or going through a difficult time, God sighs with us. When we pay attention to a child who needs help or just needs someone to listen, God is listening too. When we take time out of our day to be thankful for what we have, God is thankful for our acknowledgment. When we celebrate with those we love, God celebrates also. In these ways, he says, “Well done.” We may not hear the words. We may not recognize the significance, but it matters. It matters to Him, to us and to those around us. By being the hands and feet of God, we are doing his work. Sometimes we think it needs to be monumental or difficult in order to be meaningful. But by doing the small things, God is saying “Well done,” even if we don’t feel it.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Be sure to say the words, “Well done” to someone… it might be just what they need to hear.

Multiplicity

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On a very cold North Dakota January day, I went to my very last OB appointment for our first baby. There was a storm predicted for the weekend and my doctor wanted to make sure I didn’t have to deliver at home. It was a Thursday. He said I was close enough and he could induce me to get the labor started. If I remember correctly, I was induced that afternoon – for some reason, 4:30 sticks in my mind, but my husband probably remembers better than I do.

The first baby is a big deal. We had been waiting and hoping and praying for this for years. We also didn’t know what to expect. The info they tell you ahead of time is silly.

  • Have a birth plan
  • Bring some music
  • Bring some card games along to pass time
  • Maybe these work for some people, but I certainly didn’t listen to music or feel like playing cards. As the wind howled outside, we counted contractions and nurses came in and out of the room to check on the progress. We weren’t planning on staying up all night. We didn’t know what to expect. Some people are in labor for days, and others just for a few hours. We had the TV on, hoping it would keep Cameron awake enough for the labor. There weren’t as many options back then. The movie that was on was “Multiplicity” from 1996.

    • If you haven’t seen it… Doug, played by Michael Keaton, is overwhelmed by life and had the opportunity to clone himself. The clone can go to work and he can do stuff around the house and with his family. Then he makes another clone because he still doesn’t have enough time or enough of him to go around. While he is gone, the clones make a copy of a clone – so now there are 4. The “copy of the copy” isn’t as helpful but adds to the comedy part of it.

    The movie was on again at the time of our son’s 16th birthday. All 4 of us watched it together. As we sat there, my husband grinned, “remember where we were 16 years ago?” Yes, yes I do. The boys thought the movie was funny. My husband thought this was also pretty good material for my blog. We all feel stretched thin at times… wishing we could be more places, do more things, relax more, or volunteer more. It seems like it won’t ever be enough. I think we need to be better about picking our “yes” to other people. I get that there are some things at work that you need to do & saying “no” might not be an option. I saw Rachel Hollis speak in Alexandria and one of her points was, “If it isn’t a hell yes, then it’s a NO.”

    We get scared to say no. We like to be so busy. We stretch ourselves thin and end up doing something we don’t love. What if we said no? We might not need to multiply ourselves if we allowed some “no’s.” I know we need people to volunteer, but some people really do like it. It might be their hell yes. As Rachel said, if we say yes to something we don’t really want to do, we end up resentful when we have to do it. We bring a negative energy with us.

    Just for this week, what if you didn’t need to multiply yourself? What if you were enough just as you are? Give it a try. I will too. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. (& maybe you can check out “Multiplicity” on Netflix.

    I hope you find your people…

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    It’s the season of getting Christmas or Holiday cards from friends and family. Some send cards or pictures right after Thanksgiving, some wait until New Years & one friend sends a Halloween card. There are some people I’ve sent to for years and others just recently added. Aside from the year I was diagnosed with cancer (& a little too distracted to get them all sent out), we’ve sent Christmas cards or New Years greetings almost every year. The amount we send out doesn’t equal the number we receive. Some people don’t send them at all, which is fine. I do feel kind of bad when people that I send cards to have sent cards to other people but not to me. It kind of makes me feel like I’m not important enough... Am I not worth the stamp? Not worth the card? I’m not sure of the reason.

    Instead of worrying about it, I’ve decided to just focus on the people who give the positive energy back to me… The people who show up, who love me, scars and all. I spent some extra time with family and friends over the Christmas break. We traveled a few different times and tried to make some memories. We ate lots of treats, played games, went skiing, made lefse, drove go-karts and rode roller coasters. As we say good bye to 2018, there will be a lot of “reflective” posts. I don’t have a top 10 list. Many people I care about lost loved ones this year – some unexpectedly & some had been struggling for a while. For myself, I chose to focus on the positive. I learned a lot this year. I grew, I shrunk, I laughed, I cried, I gained new friends and some fell off the radar. Some of them are like the “return to sender,” but that’s ok.

    I will look back on 2018 and remember the times I spent with “my people.” Not just one person, but groups of people who get me. Groups of people who think I am enough. All are different… yet all are meaningful. Family, friends, people at work, people I met at classes or retreats, people at church, people at the grocery store… all bring something magical to my life.

    For 2019, I welcome in magic, fun, laughter, prosperity, writing, growing, loving, adventure, kindness and vulnerability.

    Whatever your new year brings, I wish you peace on your journey of enough. With peace in your heart, you can survive the ebbs and flows of life. I hope you find your people on your journey. Be thankful for your breath and blow the noisemaker!

    To my boys… 19 things I want you to know…

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    (I started writing this last December but paused. After being stuck at home with influenza for a week last winter, losing some loved ones & watching a couple of TV shows that had some “life is too short moments”… I felt I need to finish this. It’s honest and personal but hopefully inspires someone else to do something similar.)

    I’m a mom of 2 boys. In this photo they were 2 & 5. See those smiles? They warm my heart and bring a tear to my eye. I can still hear their giggles. They are growing up so fast. I remember people telling me this would happen and I would just shrug them off… but oh man, they were right. One is almost as tall as me and the other has his drivers permit. Here are some things I want them to know (even though this may embarrass them, they will one day appreciate it)

    1. I love you more than you can comprehend. Both of you.
    2. I am your biggest fan.
    3. I will always feel like a mamma bear for you. I will try to contain this, but I won’t always be able to.
    4. Seeing pictures of you as little boys makes me sad & happy at the same time.
    5. I may nag you to do your homework or clean your room … but you are always good enough.
    6. I only want the best for you. Whatever that is.
    7. I want to protect you and set you free at the same time.
    8. Your worries, anxieties & fears… I’ve had many of them too. I really do understand.
    9. I’m sorry for missing the dinosaur exhibit at school when I thought I was too busy at work. I tried not to let it happen again.
    10. I’m sorry I didn’t know what to say… when other kids were mean to you, when you struggled to fit in, or when your worries overwhelmed you. All I wanted to do was to wrap you up & keep you safe.
    11. I hope you are always there for each other, regardless of your life paths.
    12. After I’m gone, I will still be with you in spirit. Still talk to me and look for signs.
    13. I hope you have amazing life experiences. This will mean something different to each of you.
    14. I’m sorry you had a mom with cancer when you were young, but I hope you see how strong I am. That strength is in you too.
    15. Go on trips. Sometimes have a plan and sometimes just wing it. You won’t regret it either way.
    16. At 18 years old, you do NOT need to know what you want to do for the rest of your life. You are allowed to change your mind.
    17. Wear your seatbelt every time. No exceptions.
    18. Don’t get drunk on your wedding night. You will want to be able to remember it.
    19. Life really is short. Love big, forgive others and make some awesome memories.

    Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you be reminded of the reason for the Christmas season. I hope you are able to be surrounded by the gifts of family this year. I am thankful for my two gifts who will always be enough for me!

    Thanks, but no…

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    It’s Christmas time and the season of holiday parties. While we don’t have a “work Christmas party,” there are some groups who do parties this time of year. I’m thankful to be invited, but I’m likely not going. I just might not have thought of an excuse yet. I wrote about this last year also, but it bears repeating.

    I’m a stereotypical introvert. I need time alone to recharge. I get flustered by people who demand an answer right now. And the thought of going to a party makes my stomach hurt. If you are not an introvert, this probably seems strange. “Just go, it will be fun.” Yeah, I’m sure people will have fun, but if I go, I’d likely fill awkward silence with a drink and that would quickly become out of hand. It is not the image I’d like to portray to my co-workers. When I was 17? Sure, I didn’t care. Also, I’m not good at small talk. If my husband is there, I’m fine – he does all of the talking and story telling. I smile and laugh at his jokes or roll my eyes, and I don’t have to say much.

    For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. “Why don’t you come out for happy hour?” I just couldn’t. I’d rather be at home with my family or shopping by myself. It wasn’t until I read some articles on introverts that the lightbulb went off – I’m not so strange. I need to honor and respect that part of me instead of trying to be something I’m not. I have little patience for “fake” people, so why would I want to be one myself?

    People have different reasons for not going to the party – maybe they have other things going on in their personal life that they haven’t shared yet. Perhaps they are dealing with loss or being alone. While it’s good to invite people, I think we need to respect their answer. We shouldn’t make them explain their why.

    Going to events like this remind me of all of the ways I’m not enough. I realize it’s a self imposed thing – I’m not smiling enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not social enough, I’m not pretty enough… this list goes through my head. I know I need to speak kinder to myself and I’m working on it. It takes time. My request is for the answer of “no, thanks” to be enough.

    Peace be with you this holiday season. You are always enough, whether you go to the party or choose to stay home.

    Thanks, but no…

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    It’s Christmas time and the season of holiday parties. While we don’t have a “work Christmas party,” there are some groups who do parties this time of year. I’m thankful to be invited, but I’m likely not going. I just might not have thought of an excuse yet. I wrote about this last year also, but it bears repeating.

    I’m a stereotypical introvert. I need time alone to recharge. I get flustered by people who demand an answer right now. And the thought of going to a party makes my stomach hurt. If you are not an introvert, this probably seems strange. “Just go, it will be fun.” Yeah, I’m sure people will have fun, but if I go, I’d likely fill awkward silence with a drink and that would quickly become out of hand. It is not the image I’d like to portray to my co-workers. When I was younger? Sure, I didn’t care. Also, I’m not good at small talk. If my husband is there, I’m fine – he does all of the talking and story telling. I smile and laugh at his jokes or roll my eyes, and I don’t have to say much.

    For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. “Why don’t you come out for happy hour?” I just couldn’t. I’d rather be at home with my family or shopping by myself. It wasn’t until I read some articles on introverts that the lightbulb went off – I’m not so strange. I need to honor and respect that part of me instead of trying to be something I’m not. I have little patience for “fake” people, so why would I want to be one myself?

    People have different reasons for not going to the party – maybe they have other things going on in their personal life that they haven’t shared yet. Perhaps they are dealing with loss or being alone. While it’s good to invite people, I think we need to respect their answer. We shouldn’t make them explain their why.

    Going to events like this remind me of all of the ways I’m not enough. I realize it’s a self imposed thing – I’m not smiling enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not social enough, I’m not pretty enough… this list goes through my head. I know I need to speak kinder to myself and I’m working on it. It takes time. My request is for the answer of “no, thanks” to be enough.

    Peace be with you this holiday season. You are always enough, whether you go to the party or choose to stay home.

    He found the joy, did you?

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    While shopping at Target last weekend, our youngest son saw this Christmas suit. He is not a typical 12 year old – he loves to wear suits. It’s either suits or sweats. He’s not a fan of jeans for some reason. I think it’s a “tween” thing. Normally, I would refuse such a purchase because who would wear this thing? Him. He would wear it, along with red shoes and the largest grin possible. If he wasn’t required to wear black for his band concert next week, he’d be wearing this suit.

    How often in life do we wear our joy? He is wearing it in the form of an obnoxious Christmas suit. What does yours look like? Are we too afraid of what other people will think? I remember when I was young, my mom wouldn’t go to the local grocery store (in our town of 500) unless she at least had lipstick on. I haven’t worn lipstick since my wedding. Everyone has their own idea of acceptable. Our outward appearance doesn’t always match our joy but sometimes it does. Sometimes it’s the opposite – fake joy may equal hidden sadness.

    4 years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Stage 1 invasive ductal carcinoma. Some days I felt actually brave, ready to conquer cancer. Other days, I felt like staying in bed and giving up. 4 years ago at Christmas was difficult for me because it made me think of all the what if’s. Lots of scenarios ran through my head while I tried to fake the holiday cheer. I still didn’t know my course of treatment and yet I had to reassure everyone I’d be fine.

    Unfortunately, the holidays aren’t filled with joy for everyone. I encourage you to reach out to someone who may be struggling- emotionally or financially, if possible. Just letting people know you care is a huge thing. If you are struggling, I encourage you to seek help. There are better days ahead. If you are filled with joy this holiday season, wear it like this Christmas suit. Spread it around like sunshine and glitter. Our journey of enough isn’t meant to be walked alone. May you find joy this holiday season…whatever form it may be in. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.