Tag: #faith

What if you could….

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I celebrated a birthday this week. In the past, I didn’t think they were a big deal, but events over the past two years have made me realize that every birthday is special. Too often we take each day for granted. I’m as guilty as anyone of trying to plan ahead. It’s been part of my job for as long as I can remember and a part of my personal life too. It’s December 1st, but I’m planning for the weekend, for Christmas, for New Years, for next summer. I plan as if it were guaranteed to me – as if living to 95 is how it’s all going to work out. But ask someone who has lost someone – most times they probably weren’t expecting the loss. They too assumed they’d have more time. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t feel like I was going to die when I had cancer. Actually the sudden death of others is what hit me harder. Both things made me appreciate life more. The saying “life is too short” really made sense and that’s part of what prompted our move.

For my birthday, my sister in California sent me a present & house warming gift. The towels are pictured above. “Bake the world a better place.” What if you could? What if just baking could bring joy and peace and make the world a better place?  While it seems like an unattainable goal, when you stop to think about it, it’s true – you can.

I’ve always loved to bake. My mom taught me how. She was great with making homemade cookies, bars, cakes and pies. We frequently had dessert at meals. While she will tell you that she’s “lost the touch,” her gingersnap cookies never last long & her peanut butter Rice Krispie bars are often requested. To me, baking does make the world a better place. It’s one of the things I do when I’m stressed out because it makes me happy. I’d rather offer to bake something for an event than do anything else. It’s one of the reasons that we’ve had a marathon baking day the last several years … joy. We both (me and my friend who does “baking day” with me) give away most of our baking. Teachers, co-workers, church or neighbors – many people other than just family benefit from our plethora of holiday goodies. We’ve taken several dozen to the homeless shelter every year too. My boys help me bring it in. They get to see the big smiles on the faces of those who wouldn’t have homemade treats. Baking the world a better place, one cookie at a time. Perhaps that will be my tag line some day. Now if I could just make them healthier, I’d have it made!

So, enjoy your birthdays, celebrate with loved ones and maybe even bake something this holiday season. (It can be from a mix or even from the freezer, nobody will know) Whatever you make, share it with someone. You could be making their day. Peace be with you on your journey of enough & stop to smell the cookies.

Thanks, you might hear that a few times today…

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At the risk of posting something on Thanksgiving day and having it get lost in your feed…I like this saying & it’s fitting for Thanksgiving week. Sometimes we get so busy that we forget to stop and be thankful. Instead of worrying about what we lack, we should focus on what we have. Many of us live in abundance – we don’t worry about our next meal or where we will sleep. I didn’t thank God for the ability to walk until I broke my foot. Then that simple thing that we take for granted suddenly becomes a big deal. I wasn’t thankful for my health until I had cancer and my life forever changed.

Everyone has a story. We’ve all had some event or circumstance that shapes who we are and the journey that we travel. Sometimes they are huge, significant things like death/loss, cancer, accidents etc. Other times they are small and we don’t recognize it at the time (or maybe ever). For example, back in 1993, I went to a 4H picnic & walked over with a friend to a group of “the cool guys.” The one guy asked where my ex-boyfriend was. I explained that we weren’t dating. He said, “I’m sorry.” I said, “I’m not.” The rest is history. Small, every day occurrences can shape our lives significantly also. That cool dude became my husband. Life forever changed. You may look back on an ordinary day and realize that it was a turning point.

We all also cope with those significant changes differently. Some people feel sorry for themselves, some pretend it didn’t happen, and some are more vocal. I’ve been more vocal about my cancer journey than some. It doesn’t make my way better – this is just how I cope. Writing stuff out is like making a big list. Have you ever made to-do lists? I have plenty. (I’ve been known to make a list or add to it so that I can cross something off). I do think that sharing with people allows you to bring them in, share in your joy or pain and feel more connected. You might learn something about them or yourself.

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful on purpose. Today you may hear people be thankful for family or friends or a big turkey dinner. There will also be people who are alone, scared, homeless or wondering where their next meal will come from. They might be cold, tired or struggling with addiction. Not everyone enjoys the 4 day weekend filled with food, football, shopping &/or family. I say this, not to make anyone feel bad, but to make you aware that you probably have so much more than you realize. My husbands job at the school opened our eyes to the struggles that some kids face. Some of those kids worry about more than just turkey. They worry about being safe, where to sleep, what to eat. Yes, we have way more to be thankful for than what we realize. When we really think about it, the list could be very long. Sometimes it might not make sense.


I wondered if I should put this quote in, because it seemed kind of negative… but to me, it is a reminder to be thankful for our struggles, challenges and even difficult people. Maybe an odd thing to be thankful for, but hasn’t a difficult person also shaped your life? Did they make you realize how strong you really are? Did they make you strive to be nicer? Less judgemental? More loving? We learn a lesson from everyone who touches our lives. What path we take is up to us. Fill up with turkey and blessings this weekend, but take some time to relfect too. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

per·se·ver·ance

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Perseverance. noun: steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

A lot goes into training for a half or full marathon. Usually 18 weeks of training, long runs on Saturdays and lots of core strength building. For the last 7 years, my husband has done 2 marathons per year, every year. What started out with a neighbor friend suggesting a run around the development has turned into an obsession. 367 miles of just marathons, let alone the hundreds of training hours and long runs. You can train and prepare and do everything right, but race day is always a wild card. What will the weather be like? Did you “pre-hydrate” enough ahead of time? Did you practice drinking while running? Did you eat the right foods? Are you mentally prepared? To me, marathons are the epitome of perseverance. Today, Cameron completed #14. While it wasn’t his fastest time, he finished. It was warmer than he likes, the humidity was high, and yesterday he twisted his ankle. It swelled up last night to almost twice the size. I asked him if he wanted to skip the race today. That wasn’t an option for him. Perseverance. Today was the ultimate test. He finished. To him, it didn’t seem enough. His time wasn’t good enough. You know who did think it was enough? His cheering section. We had our cowbells ringing the whole time.


I have never run a full marathon. It’s not on my list. I did 4 half marathons & that was enough (maybe). I love my husband, but I don’t share his love of running. He gets jealous when he sees people out for a run…wishing he could be out with them. He gets up at the crack of dawn or long before, inspires and leads others, then goes to school and does more of the same inspiring and leading. He won’t admit it. He’s pretty humble that way. I’ve said it before, but I’m a pretty big fan of the guy.

This past week was homecoming at school. When you go to a small rural school, homecoming week is a big deal. Dress up days every day, & lots of extra games and activities. Our school also does a “chalk fest.” The students get to draw on the sidewalks. This year, a group did a portrait of him in chalk. He was humbled & embarrassed, but it was pretty cool. He had his picture taken by his portrait- he was in a “Mr. Incredible” costume. Yes, yes you are.


There are days when he feels like he doesn’t do enough. (The day following the portrait, one kid wrote that he was mean – he must have said no to them.) We all have days when we feel like we are not enough. I bet, there is someone who thinks you are though. Aside from God, who always thinks you’re enough, there are others. When you have those feelings, ask yourself if you’d say the same thing to your best friend. Would you tell them they were too slow, not nice enough, not a good enough parent? Most likely not. Don’t do it to yourself. Show some love. Look in the mirror & be like the old SNL skit, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me.”

Peace be with you on your journey of enough, whether it’s 26.2 miles or not, it will be enough.

Ribbons…

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All of that work for a ribbon? Both of our kids are in 4H. This week was the culmination of the year – the 4H judging for the Red River Valley Fair. Cameron and I met through 4H, so we are familiar with the projects and the fair & the work that goes into it. While some of the projects were done ahead of time, there were some that we were doing the week (or day) before. It’s a great experience for them to work on something & then have to explain/tell about it.

They each entered almost 20 exhibits. From gardening to woodworking, sewing to baking, outdoor skills, ceramics and citizenship, they had their hands full. We each try to help and guide them with the projects, but the kids do most of the work. While we offer suggestions, we don’t correct or perfect it for them. Cameron helps with woodworking & outdoor skills, and I help with baking and sewing. The boys have to write out their own recipe cards for their baked goods. Myles wrote his in paragraph form. I “suggested” that he make it in a list so it’s easier to read. “No, mom… I like it this way.” Ok. I let it be. I let them pick the recipes they want to make, and this year they got creative. They both love maraschino cherries so Dallas made “cherry bomb muffins” and Myles made double cherry cookies. When they got to the judging time, the judge “suggested” that Myles make his recipe easier to read. (Mom just grinned) They got some honorable mention ribbons – Myles for his cookies, Dallas for his rhubarb and fish holder. They also came home with some reds, and I was ok with that. I don’t expect them to be perfect… I want them to try their best and learn from the experience. It’s their project, not mine. I had my 4H project days – this is up to them. While they might not have gotten all blue ribbons, my 13 & 10 year old boys have sewn, baked, painted, created, sanded and gardened. That’s what I’m most proud of. Not the ribbons, the experience.

The other thing I’m most proud of is the tied blankets they made for breast cancer patients. The blankets will comfort someone going through breast cancer & that just warms my heart. Pink ribbons will always hold a special meaning, for me and for the boys.


The red ribbons in sewing, ceramics and jelly weren’t the end of the world. As Myles walked away from the judges table with a red ribbon and his head held down, I knew he felt “not good enough.” We tried to explain that this is a learning experience & now he will know what to do next time. I don’t think they should all get blue ribbons, but it made me think of something. God gives us blue ribbons every day. To him we are always enough, even when we feel like it’s a red (or white) ribbon day. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that our good deeds don’t make him love us more. It doesn’t matter if we feel like we deserve a Grand Champion ribbon. He loves us as we are. Isn’t that great?! I hope you have a blue ribbon day. The creator of the universe thinks you’re enough, so why are you so hard on yourself? Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Let us run with perseverance…

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The young man on the right is my son, getting ready for a 100m race. It’s a race that he didn’t win, but he did his best and didn’t give up. The verse is one of my favorites. It is also printed on the back of the Fargo Marathon medals.

The Fargo Marathon is coming up this weekend. There are several events leading up to it, but the one I’ll be concerned with is the half marathon. For the past 6 years, my husband has run the Fargo full marathon.  26.2 miles is not on my bucket list. I’m content to be a marathoner’s wife. At some point last year, I decided that when I beat cancer, I’d finish another half marathon. (It didn’t seem like a good idea when it was super cold out though.) Regardless of my finishing time, I plan to complete the race.

“Perseverance”… not giving up. It applies to more than just running. Steady persistence in a course of action is one definition. Don’t give up is a lesson that I hope I’ve taught our boys. Facing cancer head on, broken foot, hysterectomy etc – I didn’t give up. Were there days that I wanted to? Yep. I’m human. We all are. My husband got a stomach bug during his last marathon. He looked longingly at the medical tent, tempted to give up. But he didn’t. He wanted to show our boys perseverance. Will they understand it today? Maybe not. But they will have the memory of him sticking with it.

“The race marked out for us…” Just as the marathon organizers plan out the course and mark it with spray paint, orange cones & traffic directors, God does the same for us. Sometimes we don’t see the signs. We are too busy looking ahead to see what’s next, or looking behind us to see who’s coming, & we don’t pay attention to his signs. We may be tempted to quit or to take a different route. We might be so busy worrying about our feet hurting that we forget to high 5 the little kids on the sidelines, to thank the volunteers or just to soak up all of the positive energy. God puts people in our lives to help direct us. While they may not have orange reflective vests on, they are there to gently guide us down the correct route. Have you ever felt this? That someone was placed in our life for you to learn something or to help you go a certain direction? They were. And there are more signs if we just pay attention.

I hope you take the opportunity to watch a marathon or a half marathon. It’s amazing. I get emotional each time I watch. The things that our bodies can do are simply amazing. All kinds, shapes, sizes and ages will be in the race. For some, their speed and grace is beautiful to see. For others like me, their goal is to finish… to persevere. Cheer them all on!!

Saturday will be an emotional day. Whatever my finish time is, it will be enough. Crossing the finish line will symbolize more than just 13.1 miles. I’ll be the one in the pink tutu. Come out & cheer me on. I’ll be accepting high 5’s also.

Warriors wanted…

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“Prayer warriors” took on a whole new meaning 2 years ago after my brother-in-law’s farm accident. He had a tractor drive over his back. The odds of him coming out of that alive, let alone able to walk again were slim. He is a miracle. We called on everyone we knew to pray. For those first several scary days, that’s all we could do. Pray. My sister and I stayed up all day & night for a few days. Our slogan became, “we are running on God and coffee.” I’m not one to stay up all night, yet I didn’t feel tired (not like I would normally be) the whole time I was there. We could feel the prayers. If you’ve ever gone through something traumatic and let people into your personal life, asked them to pray for you, you might have experienced this. It’s amazing and life changing. It makes you look at prayer in a whole new way. Intentional…

Intentional prayer is different. Instead of saying, “I’ll pray for you,” you pray specific, intentional prayers. I like to think that God likes it when we have a conversation. When we are more specific and intentional, I feel like it makes it easier for him to help us. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt that same feeling again. I felt people praying for me. The best way to describe it, for me, is like a warm blanket covering you… wrapping you in peace. Given the experience from before, I asked for specific prayers. I opened up & shared what I was going through, in order for people to help pray specifically & intentionally. It’s hard to let people in and be vulnerable, but I was glad that I did.

If you want to help someone and you don’t know what to do, this is one of the easiest ways to help. Take a few minutes & have a chat with God. Include a prayer for peace for them. Offer some kind words to your friend… not advice or judgement or questions, just tell them you are praying for them (& maybe what your specific prayer was.) There are a lot of people I know who are going through some crummy stuff right now. It seems that the older I get, the more common that is – health issues, marriage issues/divorce, and death of loved ones. Aside from possibly bringing them a meal or sending a care package or card, I try to pray for them.

Faith is an important thing to me, and it’s become something I’m more open to talk about than ever before. It doesn’t make me perfect or better. It makes me more at peace. I feel that part of my journey is to share it with others – to share my faith journey, stumbles and all. Remember friends, you are enough!

Thankfulness…

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I like this picture. Aside from the message of being thankful, I like the picture of the two seeds just floating along together. Sometimes we feel like the two seeds in the middle, floating side by side, and sometimes we feel like the ones in the top corner, kind of tumbling and randomly falling. I feel like the more thankful we are, the more we are like the two in the middle. It helps guide our path. When we forget to be thankful, then things can feel out of control.

But what if it’s hard to be thankful? Oh, some days it’s not easy & I won’t claim to have it all together. Some days fear and guilt overshadow thankfulness. Fear is something they don’t talk much about “post treatment.” Fear of the unknown, of reoccurrence, of death. The what ifs that swirl around in our mind can sometimes make it feel like you are suffocating. When you get a strange pain or have unexplained vertigo for long periods of time, it’s hard to shut off the “what ifs.” It’s a balance between being a hypochondriac and being an advocate for yourself. There is unexpected guilt too. How did I get so lucky to get through this while other people lose loved ones unexpectedly? I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain those things. Maybe nobody does.

I feel the need to hand over those fears to God though. I know that it makes some people uncomfortable talking about it, but you can just quietly do this yourself. Whisper, pray, think to yourself…

       Lord, I give my fears over to you. I know that I cannot fix them myself and that you are greater than this world. Help me to focus on the good. I give to you my feelings of not being enough. Help me to realize that to you, I am enough. You designed me to be the best mom that I can be to my kids (even when it doesn’t feel like it.) You already give me the tools I need … Help me to see all the good you see in me. Amen

To me, those two seeds feel so peaceful. I hope you find peace today amidst your struggle. Start your day with thankfulness, even when it’s not easy. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Another anniversary… 

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 Are you tired of my anniversaries? 1 year ago tomorrow, I had my last radiation appointment. I “rang the bell” at Roger Maris Cancer Center & ended my active treatment. These milestones are wonderful to celebrate but they bring up some emotions too. My Facebook memories showed my Caring Bridge post from a year ago. Since you might not have read that, I’m posting it here too:

April 7, 2015

Today I had my last regular/weekly appointment with the radiation oncologist (aka my flow chart Dr). Tomorrow is my last radiation treatment. They were talking to me today about ringing the bell after my last treatment tomorrow. I guess I hadn’t thought of that. I obviously know that tomorrow is the last day, but to realize that it’s the last day of “active treatment” was something that hadn’t quite sunk in yet. The thought of being able to “Ring the Bell” kind of made me emotional. For those of you who don’t know, there is a big bell by the doorway at Roger Maris. When you are done with “active treatment”, you can ring the bell to signify that you are a Survivor. Some people don’t want to do it, some think it’s superstitious to ring it in case your cancer returns (and also you still have 5 yrs of follow up – but this is the end of active treatment). I am quite certain that I will ring their bell and do so with my pink attire on and a large smile on my face. And I will quite possibly be teary.

I am relieved to have this part of my journey (almost) over. I’m amazed at the prayers, friendship and support that me and all of my family have received these last 4 months. I’m thankful for those prayers and positive messages that have carried us through some difficult days. I’m so thankful for my family and their support. I know I’m not always easy to deal with, and they’ve taken it in stride. I’m thankful for my co-workers, and Cameron’s, who have helped cover our work duties, supported our absences and listened to our stories – I’m sure to them it seems like this is going on FOREVER. I am thankful that I have grown in faith, learned to turn things over to God (and not be shy or apologetic in my dependence on HIM), and have drawn on HIS strength and promise to keep me going. While my journey isn’t over, and I’ll likely update after hysterectomy (and if there is anything else “interesting” that happens along the way), I’m glad to be closing this “chapter” of my cancer story. Strength, positive attitude and faith are things that I’ve heard from people when they talk about how I’m handling this. There is a saying on my desk that is truer than you’ll ever know – “You never know how STRONG you are until being STRONG is the only choice you have”. That’s how I’ve approached this journey, and will continue to for the next 5+ years.
So, if you see me tomorrow (Wed) after 11am, feel free to HIGH FIVE me, say congratulations, or just smile big. This chapter of my journey will be ending, and I will be thankful!
**********

That was from a year ago. At times it feels like yesterday & sometimes it feels like a million miles away. I still carry the card with me from the cancer center: “Ring this bell Three times well Its toll to clearly say, My treatment’s done This course is run And I am on my way.” I still can’t read that without getting a lump in my throat. So tomorrow I will acknowledge my anniversary & be thankful for all that’s happened. Oh, and if you want to high five me on Friday, that’s fine too.

Just breathe…

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How long can you hold your breath? Just recently, I held mine for 8 days. Not literally of course, but it sure felt like it.

Last Thursday, I had my follow up MRI. I had one last January before my lumpectomy. (The one last January found 2 spots that the mammogram had missed. One was pre-cancer & was removed. The other was not cancer and was just “marked” with a metal clip so they can watch it.) I wasn’t expecting anything to come from the one last week. I went in, asked for extra ear protection (I highly recommend it) – & spent 30 min visualizing the lake. For this type of MRI, you are on your stomach, with your chest through the table. I did just fine & went back to work after. I was hoping to just get a letter in the mail 7-10 days later. 

I was shocked when the surgeon called me at home after supper. “There is a spot/nodule on your right breast (opposite from previous cancer) that has changed since last year. We will want to have you come in and check it out.” It would be Thursday before I could get in for an ultrasound & possible biopsy. The waiting game sucks. I had kind of forgotten how much it stinks. I didn’t want to alarm my kids. As honest as I was throughout my cancer, I just simply didn’t know enough to tell them anything yet. I’d deal with that if I needed to when that time came. 

I had the distraction of a weekend with family for Easter and then back to work for more waiting. I talked with the Roger Maris Cancer Center’s psych Dr on Monday. She talked about prayer & meditation & ways to get me through to Thursday without going too stir crazy. You see, this type of thing is what (most) cancer survivors fear. It’s what nobody talks about or prepares you for. The “what ifs”… What if the cancer comes back, what if it metastasized, what if I can’t tell  that something changed etc etc. This is the kind of thing that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. As much as I remained positive & strong through my cancer, fear over took me this time. I did ok (not super, but ok) until Wednesday. The day before the ultrasound & biopsy I was a bit of a mess. Only a handful of people knew about it, but those who did were sending up some pretty big prayers. Songs would come on the radio that made me teary. The thought of having to tell my kids again made my heart ache. 

Thursday came & I spent an hour of the morning having reiki to try and calm and balance me. I had breakfast with my aunt & she came with me to the ultrasound. Being a cancer survivor herself, she knew what to expect. They let her come in with me for the ultrasound. The spot they were looking for was deep, closer to the chest wal. It was difficult to find, which was good and bad. The Dr came in to look and said that if I was anyone else, with no history of cancer, they’d just wait and see. He also said that he realized I’d probably worry for 6 months if I decided to just wait, so he would do the biopsy. Yes, please. Peace of mind is worth the temporary pain. Plus it was already scheduled so I could do it right away. 

This is my 4th biopsy (3 last year.) They put lidocaine in to numb it, then go in with a long needle to get a sample. Then they put a tiny clip in that spot to mark it for future reference. One that’s done, they have to put pressure on your chest for 15 minutes. Yep, that’s as fun as it sounds…not fun. Awkward small talk etc. After that, they do a mammogram again to see that the clip is in place. They send you on your way with ice packs in your bra. Time to rest. It would be Monday before they had results. Initially the Dr thought it looked good, so I should be relieved. Since I’ve heard, “I’m sure it’s nothing” before and they were wrong, I would wait until I got the call to celebrate.

I didn’t have to wait until Monday. The Dr called tonight with good news that the biopsy wasn’t cancer. It was inflammatory tissue (& other words that I didn’t hear because I was still just absorbing the good news.) Yahooooo! NOW I can smile, be relieved & celebrate! 

And I can breathe…

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Just Fishing…

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No, we aren’t fishing just yet. This picture was taken a few years ago of me and my boys fishing at Itasca State Park. (The barn wood frame was made by my husband.) One of my favorite songs is a country song – Just Fishin’ by Trace Adkins. It talks about a dad fishing with his daughter. She thinks they’re just fishing, but they’re really bonding, talking, spending time together. While we tend to focus on big things to do with our kids, sometimes it’s the small stuff that means the most. As my kids get older, I tend to wonder if I’ve done enough with them. Did I do enough of the things that help create those bonds that last forever? Did I listen enough to them when they were smaller to make them feel comfortable talking to me when they get older?

I wonder about these things, and then my 13 year old goes on and on about fishing tackle, kayak modifications for fishing and different kinds of bows and bow hunting… and I think, maybe I’ve done ok. He did his radio commentary for his speech meets about fishing, and how you should go fishing as a family & how it brings you closer as a family. He did this on his own, and reading it kind of made me melt. I’m not telling the story to make you think I’ve got it all together- far from it. I’m telling you so that maybe you realize you’re doing a better job than you think. To my 9 year old, I’m still a super hero but I know that won’t always be the case. This 13 year old boy thing is new territory for both of us though. We are figuring it out together & sometimes I get clues that it’s going to be ok.

 If fishing is something that opens the door to other conversations, then I will get my rod and reel ready. I’ll also be prepared to cook up a fish dinner. And he thinks we’re just fishin’.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.