Tag: #faith

I can still hear her laugh…

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5 years ago last week, my last grandparent passed away… my mom’s mother. My grandma celebrated 95 years on this earth. She was a mother to 10 kids, and a wife to the same man until his death in 2006. I don’t have as many young memories of my grandparents as my sisters do. They are 7 & 9 years older than me and were some of the first grandkids. They remember visits to the farm. I remember a few Christmases there. I remember one Christmas when my younger cousins threw hangers at me in the spare bedroom. My uncle came in to scold them & he was my hero from then on. I remember sleeping in my Crayons sleeping bag by the tree. I remember their big table full of people. I remember the upstairs where my mom and her siblings grew up. I remember the “creepy basement” where my uncles sometimes had fox furs from trapping. I remember that she had a drawer of goodies… candies, marshmallows, chocolate chips etc. It was a drawer the grandkids would sneak a treat from and she’d just wink. And her laugh. I’ll never forget her laugh.

After my grandpa passed away, we were sure she wouldn’t be far behind. They were soul mates. They were the kind of grandparents who held hands and smiled at each other with love. The kind of grandparents you would look at and say, “That’s what I want when I am older.” I want someone to help me up out of my chair, to make sure my favorite treat was in the house and to play cards with me and my widow lady friends. They had a tough life. They lived through the depression. They weren’t rich financially, but they were rich in love. Their family gatherings just kept growing, as more kids were married, added children of their own, and even grandkids. I have over 20 cousins, several of whom are married and have kids of their own. We have a reunion coming up, and we will have almost 90 people attending, and there are 35 who cannot make it.

I think it’s awesome when kids can think of their grandparents and smile. The things they will remember might surprise you. I remember my grandma’s chicken shaped cookie jar but I don’t remember the chickens. I remember her white, curly hair and her crochet angels. I remember when they moved to town and we would play cards in the basement. I remember their big freezer always had ice cream treats. I think of her often, and always with fondness. Even when she would tell goofy stories or not fully know who we were, she was still in there. It was more difficult to see her that way, but when I remember her, I remember the fun little things.

I hope it’s that same way for me someday. I hope someday I’ll have grandkids (but not for a while). I hope I’ll be goofy and fun and do the things I wished I would have done with my kids… play more games, eat dessert first, laugh more. Maybe they’ll remember my curly hair, or my treat drawer (just like my grandma Lil’s). On your journey of enough, I hope you have some warm memories to make you smile. I still can get my grandma’s laugh, 5 years after she passed. Hold onto the good memories. Listen in the silence for the laughter of your loved ones. They’d love to hear you laugh too!

Chicken doodles…

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These are our 10 baby chickens. We got them the end of May. This is our first time having chickens. Prior to moving to Minnesota, the only pets we ever had were gold fish and beta fish. We’ve added a cat and now 10 chickens (we had a little turtle for a while but he didn’t make it.) We kept the chicks in the garage until it warmed up a little more and they could be in their outside coop. This made for an interesting situation with the cat…

It’s actually been better than I thought. The cat has not tried to eat the chickens. He leaves them alone most of the time. Occasionally, he will stare at them from his perch. He has been a little jealous of his chicken garage mates. “Why are they so cute? Why do they get a xylophone?”

They’ve grown so much in just a few weeks. Now they are in their outside coop with a little area to run in the daytime. We are still learning more about them. Now the cat kind of ignores the chickens if he’s outside. They all have names and one was named by my aunt in Texas. (Their names are Hawk, Butterscotch, Daisy, Henrietta, Col.Sanders, Cluck Norris, Sesame, Teryaki, Noodle and Fancy Pants)

I never knew they would have neat personalities. I worry about them when it storms. I know which ones like to eat out of your hand and which ones like to sit on your lap. They are softer than I could have imagined.

Why chickens?

  • We have the land/area for it.
  • We only have 1 neighbor.
  • They eat bugs.
  • I’ve always wanted to raise chickens.
  • We will know what’s in their feed and will have eggs in a few months.
  • I think it’s a good thing to be able to raise and care for an animal.
  • It teaches compassion and responsibility.
  • They make me feel young.

I never imagined my journey would include chickens. My dad thinks I’m silly. (Often reminds me of how cheap eggs are in the store) One of my sisters is not a fan of birds in general, but she is happy for me. My point in sharing my chicken story? Be open to new possibilities… it may just open your heart. I’m excited for all we will learn from our back yard chicken doodles. What new thing will you invite into your life?

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If chicken xylophones make you laugh, go for it. Life’s short… make it an adventure!

So many journeys…

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Graduations and weddings… the season for both has begun. While some colleges graduate in May, many high schools in this area are just graduating now. I’m 2 years away from having a high school graduate. I feel like I will be prepared in a logistical/planning sense for a graduation party. I’m sure there will be lists involved, a spreadsheet or two, and a “honey-do” of projects to complete before we have a house full of grad party guests. I guess it doesn’t happen everywhere, but in the upper Midwest, high school graduation parties are a big deal. People paint their houses, remodel parts of their kitchen, spend hours cleaning and organizing and get enough food ready for hundreds of guests. Most of these people won’t be familiar with my house, so they won’t know if I repainted or fixed something up. Quite frankly, if they are there to judge my house, they shouldn’t have come. I hope they will be there to support our son or be there for us. I want to make sure he’s ready for his journey and has people who truly care about him and support him. When I graduated high school, almost everyone in my class went to college. It was just what you were “supposed” to do. It is far more common now to have high school graduates going to a trade school or into the military or right into the work force. Everyone’s journey is different & we need all kinds of skills and trades.

Wedding season has also begun (at least up here where it gets super cold in the winter). I spent part of the weekend with my oldest niece, who is getting married at the end of June. She will start her journey of marriage and moving to a new state. We had a little bachelorette party to celebrate with her. What advice would I give her? I’m not sure I listened to much wedding advice before I was married, but there are some things I’ve held onto over the last (almost) 24 years of marriage:

  • Never go to bed angry. This is difficult some days, but I do think it’s important.
  • Be on the same page about the “big” things in your life… values, family, religion, etc.
  • Respect each other.
  • Laugh together.
  • Spend time together & really get to know each other.
  • Love each other – say it and show it.
  • Take the trips. Big or small, you will not regret taking trips together.
  • Enjoy the journey.

One day, you will wake up and 24 years will have flown by. You’ll both have grey hair (his will look distinguished and yours might be hidden by some color). Your size and shape won’t be what it used to be. Your 2-3 tiny humans will be as tall as you. Hopefully, your love will remain strong and you can think back to these days before your wedding and remember how madly in love you were. And you’ll smile because you would still chose each other all over again.

If you’re graduating, having a graduate, getting married or having kids getting married, I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you enjoy your journey, soak up the experiences and laugh along the way.

#IintrovertSoHard

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I recently traveled to CA for my niece’s graduation. She is the last niece on my side (of 6 nieces and nephews), and my Godchild. To get from MSP to San Jose, CA, I flew through Denver. I had a layover and then they said there was an hour delay. They changed the gate 5 different times and then moved up the departure time so it was only 10 minutes late instead of an hour. While on the plane, and waiting in the airport, I had time to finish a book. #IMOMSOHARD is a book from 2 moms who also have a YouTube and Instagram page dedicated to telling it like it is… messy and tiring and sometimes requiring wine. I’m not much of a drinker anymore. I think I took care of that in my younger years. I did take Southwest up on their free drink coupon though.

On one leg of the flight, the WiFi wasn’t working, so I read some more and rested a little. I also sponged though. (It’s kind of a nicer term for eavesdropping) The flight from Denver to MSP was full. A couple in their 60’s boarded after me. They took aisle seats across from each other. A lady who was traveling alone asked if she could sit in the middle seat. She made sure the wife didn’t want to sit by the husband. They both prefer aisles. She said to him, “You two are the cutest couple. Are you newlyweds?” He chuckled. “Yes, we are,” he said with a grin. “We’ve been married only 38 years.” Without having to say a word, I learned the woman next to me had 4 boys and a girl, all grown. The man had two sons, a doctor and lawyer in New York.

The last few minutes was the only time I talked. She commented on all of the water/lakes. I told her that MN is the land of 10,000 lakes. She was surprised by how flat it was. She said Carson Wentz is her favorite player (after I told her I was from ND originally). It’s ironic to me that I write a blog anyone can read, yet I avoid making small talk on a plane. Introverted. Text book introvert.

Before graduation, we cleaned, made food, did landscaping, set everything up, ran errands, decorated and arranged flowers. We got the chocolate fountain ready and had food options for everyone. At the graduation party, I made sure the food was refilled, the drinks were chilled, the chocolate fountain had plenty of berries & treats to dip, and the garbages were emptied. When the guests had all gone home, my sister said she felt bad that I had spent all my time in the kitchen. My niece said, “Oh no, that’s where she prefers to be.” And she was right. I didn’t have to do much small talk. I was able to be helpful and let my sister and nieces visit with their guests. Yep, it’s totally where I want to be. This is the 5th of 6 graduation parties I have helped with (along with a wedding, bridal shower, baptism etc). I’d much rather be the one making sure things run smoothly, (quietly refilling the chips) than being the center of attention. #introvert.

I’m so glad I made the trip. I’m glad my husband took care of things at home. I’m glad my sister let me help (and give honest opinions). I’m glad her cat was excited to see me. I’m glad my niece had a great party. And, I’m glad I’m an introvert, because that’s part of my journey and it makes me enough. I don’t have to be outgoing or social or vibrant. I can be behind the scenes, and it’s helpful enough. Whatever your skill is, embrace it. Whatever you love to do, do more of that. Those who love you will still love you and those who don’t aren’t worth your time.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have your very own gluten-free funfetti bundt cake to make you feel extra special… because you are.

(Photo of my niece, Emily on her high school graduation day)

I responded in my head…

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This picture is proof that I could use a good wrinkle cream. LOL. That’s not what this is about though.

I was talking to my niece at Easter. She was complaining about her brother, who rarely responds to texts. She’s mentioned it to him a few times, and each time he says, “Oh, sorry. I responded in my head.” It really struck a chord with me. THAT’S IT!!! For the last several years, there have been many occasions where I thought I told my husband something, but I clearly just responded in my head. Apparently, we must have full conversations in my head, and I think the issue is resolved… so I don’t actually tell him things.

This happened a LOT after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. There was so much information, appointments, people checking in on me, etc. I would think that I had told him something, but I probably told my sisters or my mom, my friend or co-worker. He felt left out. He thought I was not telling him the whole story. I just honestly couldn’t keep track of everything. This was unusual for me- I was a note taker, had a Caring Bridge page to update people… but I still didn’t know who I had talked to. I never had chemo. I cannot blame it on chemo brain fog. I thought maybe I was alone until I brought it up to someone at work. He said, “Don’t all married people do that?” Huh. I’m not sure, but at least I’m not the only one.

When I came back from my retreat, this was something I had put on my “to do” list. Be more intentional – have more conversations. I tend to retreat inward when there is a bunch of stuff going on. I need time to process things, figure stuff out & sometimes think of every possible (sometimes worst-case) scenario. I like to think I remember to mention the big stuff but that’s not always true. Apparently, we had a conversation (just in my head), where I decided I was going back to CA for my last niece’s graduation. Since my husband can’t take time off from work during the last month of school, and we wouldn’t want to take the kids out of school, it seemed logical for me to go alone. (Again, I obviously never said this out loud)

I clearly have some work to do in this area. I’m not an expert… just a middle aged mom who likes to write for the 30 or so people who read this every Tuesday. Occasionally I will get readers from Sweden or Japan or even Cameroon. If you’ve taken the time to read this far, thank you. Someday I will get brave enough to put myself out there in a bigger way. When I do, I promise to have a conversation with my husband (out loud this time), so he’s aware of it.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. If you’ve responded in your head, you’re not alone. I challenge you to respond out loud also… or at least in a text.

To the moms…

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That’s me in the middle. Lol. Obviously. I’m no longer taller than either of the boys. Neither one can (or would) sit on my lap. I don’t read stories to them or hold their hands in the parking lot. Those days are gone. This picture was taken on Mother’s Day. While I could be sad that my boys are no longer little, I chose to be happy they are growing.

Mother’s Days are not always sunshine and roses. Many Mother’s Days were spent wondering if I’d ever get to be a mother. This year was the first Mother’s Day since my mother-in-law passed away. This was the first Mother’s Day for friends who lost their son. I’m aware of how special it is, and I try my best to appreciate each Mother’s Day. There are very few things I want or request on Mother’s Day.

  • Let me sleep a little
  • Coffee is good
  • No dishes
  • No laundry
  • Flowers are nice but don’t spend too much
  • I’d like to avoid cooking (much)
  • I want to spend it with my kids

That last one is like a time bomb. I can hear the time ticking away like the clock on the wall. I won’t always get to spend this day with them. I don’t always see my own mom each Mother’s Day. There will be a time when my boys are working or in school or married or having kids of their own (hopefully not for a while). So for now, I’m thankful for each Mother’s Day I get with them. Last year, we moved compost and planted asparagus on Mother’s Day. This year, we played cards, went for lunch, visited a little and took a nap. Heavenly. The cat even got to visit for a while.

There are many days of motherhood where we feel like we aren’t enough. I don’t think that will go away regardless of how many books we read or inspiring videos we watch. We will feel like we are not enough because we care. We care about our kids, our family and ourselves. We want to do better and be better, not realizing we already are. We already are the cheerleaders, the working moms, the stay-at-home moms, the ones who remember the lunch money and get the ibuprofen in the middle of the night. We are enough because we care. I urge you to look into the mirror this week and tell yourself “You are a good mom. You are enough.”

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you have fond memories of Mother’s Day to carry you through some tough days. We are all in this together & you, sweet mom, are enough.

To leave it behind…

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This is the confident me. The numbing fear in my entire body might not be visible in this picture. The ropes course at Healing Odyssey retreat was more difficult and life changing than I had expected. I mentioned in my previous post how I wasn’t sure why I went to the retreat, I just knew I needed to go. After the first night, I thought, “Well, maybe I’m supposed to be here as support or encouragement for someone else.” (Because I couldn’t possibly need healing, right? Ha ha) I was telling my friends and family about the retreat and they all asked, “So, you didn’t know anybody? WHY did you go?!”

Partially, I believe I was supposed to meet these ladies from cabin 8. All are strong and powerful. Each with a unique cancer story and a unique life story… yet we all shared a common chapter to our stories: CANCER. It’s something that’s difficult to explain, yet if you’ve had/have cancer… you “get” it. You “get” the scanxiety felt with each scan and test and doctor appointment. You “get” the fear, the anger/frustration, the strength needed, the way it changes your life and the way people look at you. The list goes on and on. I didn’t know how powerful it would be to surround myself with over 30 other cancer survivors. I didn’t know I would cry in front of complete strangers. I didn’t know I would leave with a bunch of new friends… many of whom I won’t see in person again.

The other reason I went was revealed at the ropes course. I was 8th in line. I had a chance to see others go before me… each getting to a different point on the course. I had a chance to plan my goal. There were 4 ropes to reach towards to get to the end. My goal was to get to 3 … for my 3 guys. I tried to psych myself up for this. As I got hooked up and ready to climb, I had to stand at the bottom of the ladder and tell everyone what I was leaving behind. My hand started to shake and my voice quivered as I told the story about my journey of enough. I was leaving the idea that I’m not enough behind. I was leaving behind the “can’ts. Leaving behind doubts and fears & moving towards new adventures and a renewed sense of self. Once I dried my eyes, I started the climb up the ladder and then up the pegs.

Once I got to the top, I had to stand on a wire and reach for a rope. Easy, right? Nope. Not at all. This was my first ropes course. First time being 30 feet in the air, standing on a wire, attached to a harness and rope. I could hear the cheers and encouragement from below. I listened for the voices of those who had gone before me, telling me what to do next. As my legs trembled and the adrenaline rushed, I grabbed for the first rope. “I’m good, I’m done.”

I leaned back and descended back to earth. I was greeted with hugs and cheers and more tears.

It literally took hours for the adrenaline to leave and for me to calm back down again. It was intense, it was exhilarating & it was life changing. You may be thinking, “But you only got to the first rope. You wanted to get to 3.” Yes. That’s true. What I realized after it was over, was that the 1 rope I got to was for ME… not for my husband, my boys, my parents or my sisters… it was for me. You cannot pour from an empty cup. 1 was all I needed to believe I can. I left the can’ts behind.

After the ropes course, we went on a zipline. This was another thing I said I would never do – but after the morning, it seemed like a breeze! I didn’t have to balance, I just had to let go and enjoy the ride. What a feeling! The Mountain views were breath taking. The feeling of accomplishment was amazing.

So, why did I fly all the way to California, drive myself up a mountain, stay with 30+ strangers, go to sessions, hike in the mountains, do a ropes course, zipline and tell my story? To leave it behind… leave the doubt, the fears, the worry, the comparison, the feeling of being “not enough.” Am I completely free of these things? Maybe not. But nobody told me it was just stage 1. Nobody said it was just breast cancer. To everyone there, I was enough... and that feeling will carry me up many mountains in life. I will always remember the ladies I met at camp and the feeling of conquering those fears.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have friends cheering you on from the sidelines. May you have voices to listen to of those who have gone before you. May you be a listening ear or a comforting shoulder to someone else. We are all in this together & you are enough.

Trip preview & summary thoughts…

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I just got back from a Healing Odessey retreat in California. While I take some time to write more about the event and what I gained from it, here are some things I learned on my trip:

  • Solo trips are a good thing. If you can do it, you might learn something about yourself.
  • People in airports don’t realize there is a volume button on their phone and I don’t need to hear them type or play a game.
  • I am for sure one of those people annoyed by certain sounds. Trying to let that go isn’t working.
  • If you can check your bags (Southwest gives your 2 free), it is far easier to navigate the airport and the plane.
  • Target stores in California have entire aisles of wine. Seriously, I’d probably go broke.
  • If you’re from Minnesota and go to other regions, people can tell you have an accent. (Dontcha know)
  • You can usually purchase another bag if you run out of room (or if you have to waste some time at Target and Kohl’s.)
  • If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.
  • Listening to your body takes practice.
  • Finding people with whom you share a common thread is powerful.
  • It’s ok to be nervous.
  • A double cappuccino means something different at different coffee shops.
  • There is something magical and healing about walking in nature.
  • Hotels close to the airport start their breakfast earlier.
  • If you have a fear, worry or question, odds are high someone else does also.
  • If you tip the airport shuttle driver, it will make his day and he will give you directions on where to go next.
  • Everyone has a story, their surface might not show it.
  • Never say never (except for sky diving, I’m seriously never doing that!)
  • You cannot judge time by distance in the LA area. In Minnesota, if it’s 60 miles away, it will take you just under an hour to get there. I have no idea how to gauge time here.

More summaries and pictures next week. It was an amazing, powerful and inspiring weekend!

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have a group of people cheering you on!

But I’m not lost…

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This week I will embark on a solo trip. I’m flying out to California for a breast cancer survivor retreat. I found out about it from a group I follow on Facebook. Sometimes it helps to connect with people who share a similar part of their story. Everyone in the group has been impacted by breast cancer. One of the ladies highly recommended the retreat, so I looked into it a little more.

It’s very reasonably priced. They have it more than once per year. It’s called Healing Odessey. The retreats run from Friday to Sunday. I’d just need to get myself to CA in time. Oh, and drive up the mountains by myself. In the dark. Alone. Hmmm. I convinced myself I could do this. It might be one of the last things I do like this, since they are usually focused on women in the first 5 years since diagnosis. I booked my flight with airline miles, reserved hotel rooms before and after the retreat (using Holiday Inn points) & reserved a rental car. I’ll essentially be gone 5 days for a 3 day retreat, but I figured I’m worth it.

What am I hoping to get out of this? Am I going to find myself? Not really, I’m not lost. A weekend with strangers normally isn’t on my wish list. As an introvert, this gives me a little bit of anxiety. There are some reassuring things though: 1) Nobody knows me, so there is no “history” or story that they have about me. 2) I likely won’t ever see them again, so if they think I’m strange, I won’t run into them at Target next week. 3) I am going to take time on the flights and in the airport to read some books and just re-set.

  • Old me: I can’t take that time off from work.
  • New me: I need to take time for myself.
  • Old me: I need to be there for my kids.
  • New me: My kids need to see me also as an individual & trying new things.
  • Old me: My husband needs my help.
  • New me: He is completely capable of handling things at home. (He was before also, I’m just acknowledging it more now)
  • I think I’m ready. I’ll make sure to bring my passport/ID an empty water bottle. I’ll pack some headphones and plenty of books. I’ll throw my motion sickness pills in my purse and make sure I have plenty of gum. I’ll bring an open mind and an open heart. I believe things appear in our lives for a reason. I’m taking this opportunity to see what I’m supposed to learn from it.
  • Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have the courage to say “yes” to something… even if it’s outside of your comfort zone, a little scary (in a good way), or might possibly make you nauseated. Sometimes great things happen just outside of our comfort zones.

  • Peas in a pod or peas and carrots?

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    One likes hunting. He learns about it and has patience to wait for them. The other would rather watch the deer and turkeys walk by or try to catch them.

    One likes fishing. He would fish all day if he could. The other would rather look for interesting shells or spy on turtles.

    One quit band. The other plays saxophone and guitar & has tried to write some songs.

    One struggles with school. The other is stressing out about his only “B.”

    One has curly brown hair. The other has straight blonde hair.

    One likes country music. The other prefers rock.

    One wears jeans, t-shirt and a hunting or fishing cap year round. The other wears a suit any chance he gets. (Opposite in this picture because of prom.)

    If you know my kids, you know which one is which. 2 boys from the same parents can end up being so different. I remember when we were going through fertility treatments (again) after having Dallas. I recall sobbing on the steps, “But what if he will never have a brother or sister?” I assumed they would get along. I assumed they would be similar kids. You know what happens when you ass-u-me?! Yep.

    I’m still thankful and I love them both. I cannot make them have things in common or want to spend time together. Sure, when they were little, they liked the same toys and movies. Then they developed their own personalities. Things changed. We ended up dividing our parenting time based on their interests. Cam would take Dallas fishing. I would go for walks with Myles and look for acorns or cool rocks. We still do plenty of activities together. It’s just different. In 2 years and 2 months, Dallas will graduate & things will change again. It’s hard to say where their paths will take them in life. I hope they stay in touch and find some more common bonds.

    These are the things they have in common as of now:

    • They both love French toast.
    • They both run cross country.
    • They both have blue eyes.
    • They both think Ironman is the best of the Marvel super heroes.
    • They both think they are competitive.
    • They both like the cat.
    • They both bow hunt left handed.

    We struggled to come up with this list of things they have in common. There might be more, but for now, they are finding their way and learning what they like. Parenting is more difficult than anyone prepares you for. For the past 12 & 16 years, I’ve tried to protect them and keep them safe… give them independence and skills to be on their own… but mostly, I’ve just tried to love them through it all. I feel like my relationship with God is the same way. Because of free will, I still make plenty of mistakes. Those mistakes teach me something… or if I wasn’t paying attention, I’ll get to experience/learn it again. God is like our parent… a safe place to land.

    My kids mess up. They aren’t perfect. They are learning there are people who will dwell on those mistakes and people who will forgive them. Regardless, I hope they know I am their safe place. I hope they know God is too. HE loves us through all of our differences and similarities. Peas in a pod or peas and carrots… he loves us just the same.

    Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re in the middle of parenthood, just starting out, dealing with an empty nest or enjoying grand parenting, God will love you through it.