Tag: #faith

The right words…

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Fall is a time of loss. Trees lose their leaves, the grass stops growing in the upper Midwest and we lose daylight hours. As the mornings turn crisp and frosty, the evenings get dark more quickly, and before we know it, the sun will be going down at 4:30.

This fall has been a time of loss and remembrance for many people also… an anniversary of loss for a friend’s son & nephew, a cousin’s husband, a friend’s stillborn baby, my mother-in-law and many others. Birthdays and anniversaries come and go. A friend recently lost her best friend, leaving behind a husband and two kids. I struggle to find the right words. I’m a “fixer”… I like to make things better. I’m not able to fix the holes in their hearts. I am fortunate enough to have both living parents, spouse, children, siblings and friends. The right thing to say to me might not be comforting to them. Eloquent sentences in my head turn into just “I’m sorry for your loss.” This isn’t like the trees shedding their leaves for the winter. Their person isn’t returning.

I feel a sense of aching for them. I think about all of the “what if’s” and “should have been’s”… wishing I could change the story. It’s not my place and I don’t have the power. I believe we will see our loved ones again, but it doesn’t make it easier when we wish we could hug them or talk to them one more time.

Psalm 23 is a comforting verse to me:

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. 3He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for the sake of His name. 4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,a I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

A friend who I met at a survivor retreat found out she had weeks to live. Over the last month, friends and family from all over have come to visit. What an awesome and amazing outpouring of love. She has outlived their timeline and has had some wonderful company. They aren’t waiting for her funeral or death, they are celebrating every day she is alive. Wow.

I may not have the right words, but I will reach out anyway. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. If you are going through a season of loss and remembering, hold on. I wish I could find the perfect thing to say to comfort you. Just know that you are enough. Your grief journey is uniquely yours. You cannot do it wrong. Honor those you’ve lost, live your life, find peace and joy again.

To be seen…

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How many times do you walk through a store, a mall, a hospital etc and see someone with a name tag? Do you notice them? Do they see you?

Recently, I was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. I drove my parents down for my dad’s test. While he was in the procedure room, my mom and I explored. Mayo is well known across the United States for being one of the best hospitals. The campus is huge… so many buildings, elevators, tunnels and walk ways – it would be easy to get lost. We wandered the “subway” level and looked at some shops. We had gone quite a distance, when we got to a corridor that seemed less busy and active. A lady with a name tag stopped. “Do you need help finding anything?” She was so polite and helpful. While we didn’t need help, she did tell us about a great place to eat and where to go for a good bowl of soup. She saw us. She stopped and talked and listened.

After my dad’s procedure, the doctor came in to visit. He shook our hands and sat down. He explained what they had done, what the next steps would be, and even drew a picture. He made sure our questions were answered and took the time to listen. The nurse joked about the Dr… he gets them behind schedule because he talks so much. But you know what? Yep, he saw us. He saw my dad as a person and not just a procedure. Many times while we were there, we saw people being helped, guided or asked if they needed directions. Random people in the elevator told us to have a great day.

Sometimes we like to stay hidden. I sure do. Many times I like to blend in and not draw attention to myself. I tried to sneak out of church on Wednesday night, but the pastor’s wife saw me and wanted to make sure I knew they’d be praying for our son and his stress test. Even though being seen sometimes makes me uncomfortable, it also makes me feel like someone cares. To be seen is ok. It can be scary sometimes, but it’s ok. Or maybe you’re the person who sees someone else. Maybe you notice the lonely person or the person who seems lost, or the person who needs some prayers.

God sees us, but sometimes it’s hard to realize. I think we need to be his eyes to see others, to help them and to reach out. That might mean we come out of our comfort zone or spend a few extra minutes listening. When we see others, we are doing God’s work. We let someone know they are valuable, important, and worth our time. We get so busy rushing and doing and trying to get to the next thing, we might not see. It can be with our own family – did we stop and listen? Did we really see what our kids or our spouse was trying to show us?

Our journeys aren’t meant to be traveled alone. We need connections and conversations. We need to be seen. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you see and be seen. It may just make someone’s day.

Um, that wasn’t my plan…

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One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” How many times do our plans not work out? How many times are we convinced that we know better, know the answer, know the right path? Sometimes the meaning behind our struggles comes later and we realize what the lesson was. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense.

When we lived in ND, and our youngest was little, my husband took down old barns or old buildings. He made furniture and signs and frames. When we moved to MN, we didn’t have a place for all of the lumber. Some of it didn’t “make the cut” and was burned in the fire pit before we moved. Some of the stuff that we wanted to save was stored at a friend’s place for the last 3 years. We recently moved it home, and had built a shed to store it in. It’s like a tarp building.

The weekend we finished putting it up, it was snowing. We got most of it moved inside the shelter. We thought it should be good. My husband even bought longer anchors to secure it in the ground.

Plans changed. Not our plans. Winds over 60 mph, along with a driving rain hit our area last night. Thankfully, our trees are standing and our chickens are ok. The shed is not ok. Not even a little bit. The cables attached to the stakes snapped. The metal broke and twisted. The tarp has holes. It’s done for. Um, not our plan.

The wind came under and picked it up like a sail. It tossed it back to the trees. It felt like it was mocking all of our hard work. Now what? We aren’t sure yet. It was still too windy this morning to try and move it or disassemble it.

Sometimes we feel like this shed… tossed and broken and torn. We don’t quite know how to put the pieces back together. I encourage you to hold on. Get a pen and paper and write out everything that’s on your mind and everything on your heart (not always the same thing). Rip it up or burn the paper. You do not need to hold onto it. Find a trusted friend to talk to, preferably someone who will just listen. Know that you’re not alone. The social media pictures only tell part of the story. Everyone has a crappy “brain dump” list.

Our plans may not always work out how we envisioned. In fact, many times they don’t. If you haven’t found your groove yet, hold on. If you haven’t found your tribe yet, hold on. If you haven’t found your purpose yet, hold on. Hold on… pain ends. One way or another, the pain will end. The shed will get taken down and maybe pieces will be used for something else. Maybe God will be making diamonds out of your dust.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Regardless of your plans, I hope His plans are bigger and more wonderful than you could have imagined.

Pins & needles…

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“Sitting on pins and needles” is a phrase that dates back to the 19th century. The fact that the saying has been around for 200 years means it’s something super common. We don’t always discuss our “pins & needles” moments. The intensity may vary, but they happen to all of us.

Last week I had my yearly mammogram. Because I am a breast cancer survivor, I have an MRI and alternating 3D mammogram every 6 months. Pins & needles. I feel fine, but is it really still ok? What if they see something I hadn’t noticed. What if a marker (tiny clip they put in where they do biopsies) has changes by it…. what if. I got the results this week, and it was normal. Wheew.

Last week, our oldest son went to the cardiologist for his heart. They did an EKG, we met with the Dr, did an Echo of his heart, and met with the Dr. again. We left there with a 24 hr heart monitor. He wore it as instructed. Then we sent it back to them. Now we wait. Pins and needles. Thoughts race through our minds of what if. We still wait… Up to a week before they have the test results. Mama bear will give them a call on Wednesday. They will likely do a stress test and then figure out the next steps. I wish I could tell kids to be nice and not make fun of him. I wish I could take the pains away.

Wednesday is the same day I go back to Fargo for oncology follow up. Obviously, if my mammogram was fine, this should be a quick visit. It will take longer to drive up there than it will for the appointment. Still some pins and needles. What will he say? Will he release me to Alexandria instead? Will he want me to still come twice a year or will it be only yearly? Then what? I’m approaching 5 yrs from diagnosis. It’s a day I always knew would come, but there has been a lot of pins and needles in between.

I know so many people on different kinds of pins and needles: job changes, pregnancy, relationships, finances, family issues, health concerns…. we all have our own version. The person who seemed “prickly” today may have some pins and needles bothering them. Be kind.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find some peace in your “pins & needles” moments. Be the listening ear or the cheerleader for someone else who is experiencing their own “pins & needles” moments. Life is short, let’s be there for each other.

What’s trying to steal your joy?

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Last week, our oldest son was startled by a noise in the window well. Sometimes a frog or critter will end up stuck down there. This was different. A weasel had gotten in and was on his window. Now, if you’ve read my blogs before, you know that I have chickens. If you’ve watched Looney Tunes, you know that weasels love chickens also… but in a different way.

I love my chickens. They are my pets. They do give me eggs, but mostly, they bring me joy. I love the way they run up to me. I love their clucks and noises. I love learning about what their noises mean. I love hearing stories from my mom about her chickens when she was growing up. I don’t have any mean chickens. They just make me smile… bring me joy.

My husband has run many marathons. I think he was up to 16 full marathons before we moved. For a while, he did two per year… one in May and one in October. As crazy as it sounds, it brought him joy. Much like my chickens bring me joy, running brought him joy.

Our oldest son loves fishing… joy. Our youngest son loves his cat… joy. A friend of mine loves sloths… joy. Another friend loves to clean… joy. Someone else’s “joy” doesn’t need to make sense to you. Whatever brings you JOY, do more of that. Love to paint? Do that. Does nature bring you joy? Go out for a walk. Love to bake? Make something for a college student and mail them a care package. Love books? Volunteer to read to kids.

We get caught up in being busy and think we don’t have time for joy. It should be one of the things we do every day. Every day we should chose joy. Don’t let time or schedules or weasels try to steal your joy away. Sneak it in… even a little bit of something that brings you joy can turn your day around. Our journeys aren’t meant to be boring or difficult or painful. Try to find room for a little joy.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find your “chickens” aka JOY, and don’t let anyone steal it!

The fine line…

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Today is October 1st. Typically “Pinktober” reminds us of breast cancer awareness. When I was getting ready this morning, I wasn’t sure if I should wear pink. Do I wear pink all month long? I’ve done that before. Do I ignore it and go on with my day? It’s a fine line between hope and fear.

I wasn’t sure what I’d write about today. I had three other topics in mind, but all of these “pink” messages and memories popped up, so I took that as my sign. (Even though I likely lost many people once they saw the subject.) I’ve put away many of my warrior/survivor/pink shirts. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge it. Every day I have a reminder of what I went through. Do I wear pink for me? For you? For someone just diagnosed? Maybe all of the above.

I wear pink for me as a reminder of my strength. When we were cleaning the boys’ rooms this weekend, there was a shirt from a 5k we ran, supporting breast cancer research. It said “I run for ____” and “mom” was written in black sharpie in that blank. A lump formed in my throat and I just couldn’t get rid of it. Even though it no longer fit, I had to save it. Part of me wasn’t ready yet.

I wear pink for you. I wear it as a reminder to get checked. Have a yearly mammogram. Encourage others to do the same. The temporary pain is minimal. Don’t ignore something unusual. Don’t assume it can’t happen to you. Don’t put it off. You may think I’m annoying, but if it reminds someone to schedule their appointment, it’s worth it.

I wear pink for someone recently diagnosed. When I was diagnosed, I didn’t wear a giant sign that said “Hey, guess what? I just found out I have invasive ductal carcinoma.” I looked fine. I looked normal. I didn’t lose my hair. Someone else might be going through the same thing. Or their wife, friend, daughter or sister. I’m here with you. I support you. I wear pink for you.

I actually felt ill today. The thought of October brings anxiety that punches me in the gut. I think I’m fine, and then “wham.” Do I live in fear of recurrence or hope for good heath? The fine line. Today, I chose hope. I chose to make a change, to chose joy, to live my best life. I chose to support “Pink it Forward” – an organization who sends care packages to breast cancer patients. I chose to write about it because it’s a part of me. It doesn’t define me, but it shaped me in ways I wouldn’t have thought possible.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you have the courage to make the appointment. May you chose hope over fear in all aspects of your life. Life is short, enjoy the journey.

Change …

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Since the start of autumn/fall happened on the 23rd, I thought it was appropriate to talk about change. It’s not just the leaves in MN changing, many people I know are going through life changes too. It reminds me that we are all in different stages of our seasons. We might be letting go, or saying goodbye, or changing, or welcoming something new.

A friend with a new job and a move across the country…

A sister who dropped off her youngest daughter at college and is now an empty nester…

A family who laid their 12 year old son to rest after a battle with cancer…

A friend who holds a fundraiser in honor of his late wife, and helps others with financial burdens…

A friend who navigates the medical terms, the stress and the anxiety of a child with autism & epilepsy…

A husband who deals with the anniversary of the loss of his mother …

A niece who prepares to move away this winter…

A friend who reads the statistics of stage 4 metastatic breast cancer…

So many people are going through big changes or have significant reminders of big life changes. What do you do? What do you say? How can you help? We worry about saying the wrong thing. We hold back because we want to do the right thing. What’s worse than possibly saying the wrong thing? Silence. Nothingness. I remember being surprised when some friends of mine were silent during my cancer. A friend whose nephew died by suicide said the same thing – people leaving hurt the worst.

Friends, we all go through change. Some of it we didn’t ask for. It’s how we grow. It’s how we learn. It’s how we move forward. Sometimes the change is messy and hurtful and sometimes it’s exciting and wonderful. If you know of someone going through a change, you don’t need to fix it or make it better, you just need to be there for them. Let them know you care, however seems appropriate…Send them a card, support their fundraiser, let them cry on your shoulder, laugh with them, make them a care package, pray for them, cheer for them… just love them.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May the fall season remind us that letting go can be beautiful, and spring will come again.

Speak kindly…

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After spending part of a Wednesday night in the ER with our oldest son, I have some thoughts to reflect upon. He had complained of chest pain/pressure before, but it always went away and wasn’t accompanied by other symptoms. That night, his face was red and his left arm bothered him. Hmmm, I’m not messing with heart issues, so we made a trip to the ER. I knew the walk-in wouldn’t have the ability to run the tests we needed, and we already met the insurance deductible after his brother’s skiing/broken leg this past winter. I could see the worry in his eyes… “What if I have a heart attack? I’m too young.” I tried not to convey the worry in mine. He’s had a couple of brushes with death, and I’m not ready for him to go.

The ER treated both of us with compassion. They explained what they were doing. They showed him his heart beats on the screen and how his flipped down and had some pauses. They turned the ultrasound screen towards him so he could see his heart and lungs. (“Want to see your liver? Here is your kidney!”) They showed him the EKG print out. They explained what the blood work was for and what the blood looked like (and that they normally draw a couple of extra in case the doctors request additional tests.) As they explained what an ectopic atrial rhythm is, I could see his fear lessen. As they talked about cardiology consults and possible next steps, I could see him relax. He was seen and heard, and not ignored.

I did get the question about why we waited so long to come in. Well, he had no other symptoms to go with it. Also, I don’t see him 24/7, so I don’t know how often this happened. The questions made me feel like a bad mom. It made me doubt myself. I had to focus on the fact that I did bring him in.

Thursday morning, I was very tired. I went to work as normal, but wasn’t very focused. Then we went to the regular Dr on Friday to get a referral. More questions, “Why didn’t you come in sooner?” It takes the wind out of me. It makes me feel less than as a mom. Then (at work) to get questions or hear comments about being gone for the appointment makes me feel less than as an employee.

Always speak kindly. Don’t assume you know the story.

The woman who looks tired? She may have stayed up all night worrying about her kids. She may have just a heard a diagnosis she can’t wrap her head around. She may have spent time in the hospital with her father. She might be wondering how to hold it all together. She may be struggling with infertility, too scared to share her story. She may feel the weight of financial burdens. She may be struggling with anxiety and depression, wondering why she can’t just be grateful. She may have had a tough conversation with her kids.

The woman who has missed a lot of work? She may be going to counseling. She may be taking her child to counseling. She may have gone to her doctor appointment, only to hear “try again next month.” She may be having radiation treatments that leave her so exhausted, but she shows back up to work anyway because she’s scared of losing her job. She may have a sick kid and have nobody else to watch him.

At one time in my life, these were my real scenarios. Not all at once, but sometimes more than one at a time. The list could go on and on. My point is, we all need to speak with more kindness & less judgement. More “how are you doing?” and less “where were you?” Truth be told, most of the time, I feel like I’m failing…Treading water and almost out of breath. It’s like a balancing act on a teeter totter while juggling – we all have our own version. If I spend more time at work, I feel like a bad mom. If I spend more time with my family, I feel like a bad employee. If I spend more time for myself, I feel like a bad spouse. Too many “hats” … too many roles… only one me.

I’m stretched thin, but I’m getting heavier. I know I’m not alone. I know there are other moms out there with the same balancing act. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to have a crappy day. I know one day I will sit in my empty house and wish for the busy that I have now. Until then, I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Speak kindly to others, you never know what burdens lie on their heart.

Do you have an internal crowing competition?

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Mid-May, we added 10 chickens to our farm. At the time, we weren’t sure if they were hens or roosters. We were still learning about chickens, but I knew I wanted to have some.

Fast forward to August, when two of our chickens started “cock-a-doodle-doing.” My husband wasn’t impressed & quickly offered to get rid of them (because he thought they would bother the neighbors). We live in the country and the state park is across the road from us, so we really only have one house close by. Turns out, we have 4 roosters. Two of them crow more than the others. In fact, they have a bit of a competition to see who can crow the most or the loudest (we aren’t sure which, they didn’t say.) We’ll see if the video works…

In this video, Cluck Norris starts out first. Teriyaki follows. The tan one is Cluck Norris. The brown one is Teriyaki (whom I’ve written about before… turns out is a “roo” and now likes that to be known to everyone.)

My chickens sure have taught me a lot of things. I’m thankful to have let them into our lives. I was talking with a mentor the other day and I said, “I feel like there are two parts to me: 1) Organized, planning, in control side 2) Creative, free, baking/painting/sewing side. They are kind of like my roosters, crowing in competition to see who gets noticed.” She said, “They are both sides of you. Both your organized and your creative sides make you unique.” Wow. I hadn’t thought of it that way before. Instead of one trait being better or worse, they both work together to make me who I am.

Sadly, we don’t need 4 roosters for 6 hens (we don’t really need any, but Col.Sanders and Hawk don’t crow). We are giving Cluck Norris and Teriyaki to a family who will let them free range on their farm. They will have new adventures ahead of them. I will miss their personalities, but I’m thankful for all they have taught me.

Cluck Norris

Teriyaki (first one to go for a walk with the chicken harness.)

I will miss the way they run over to the fence to see if I have treats. I will miss the strange clucks and noises they make. I’m interested to see if the two remaining Roos change in personality. Will any of the hens miss them? (Probably not, Ha Ha)

Do you have an internal crowing competition? Do you struggle with which side is better or worse? Which side can be seen and which one you feel like you need to hide? I encourage you to honor and embrace both sides. It makes you a unique individual. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May both sides of you crow with glee. Just don’t wake the neighbors up at 5am!

Like sands through the hourglass…

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How many of you said, “So are the Days of our Lives?” Ha ha. Yeah, I used to watch that soap opera. I think if I tuned in now, they would still have the same story line.

Tuesday marks the start of school in most MN towns. Usually the Tuesday after Labor Day, the unofficial end of summer. This year we will have a 7th grader and a junior. As we were making a quick trip back to Rollag, to the Western MN Steam Threshers Reunion, my husband said, “This will be less and less, you know.” (I pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about.) “This, the making memories stuff.” Yeah, I know. Like sands through the hourglass, it just goes faster and faster. Our job isn’t to keep them at home forever though. Our job is to prepare them to be on their own. They might not remember every camping trip or adventure we went on, but hopefully they will have a general sense of having a good childhood. And hopefully, they will be prepared to be independent adults.

We’ve been blessed with good kids. Not perfect kids, but good kids. They’ve made our job a little easier. We’ve still had plenty of roller coaster moments. Highs and lows that I’m not fully prepared to share (mainly because of the impact it may have on the boys.) Hopefully we’ve given them a foundation of faith and family. Hopefully they know that we will love them through it, whatever that may be. I’ll be their biggest cheerleader but will also give them “the mom look” if they’re being inappropriate. We just hope we’re not messing them up. Do all parents wonder this? Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s a common thing or if it’s just my over-active imagination. My boys probably don’t cook as much as they should or independently start laundry. They do fold clothes and mow and can build a campfire with some birch bark and a match.

If you have kids or grandkids heading back to school, say a prayer with me. “Dear Lord, please watch over our kids. Help them to be kind and patient. Help them to look out for others. Help them to listen and learn. Please be with the teachers and support staff as they try to guide and teach them. Keep them safe. Amen.”

Here we go, only one more “first day of school” picture with all three of these guys. Love you!

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Instead of wishing the time would slow down, let’s be thankful it’s still moving forward. We can do this!