Tag: #connect

The village changes…

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Shopping at Target, I walked by the cute little newborn onesies & mini dinosaur socks on my way to the dorm room supplies. Instead of sippy cups, I’m looking for water filter pitchers. The mental list is a long one, so I try to write random notes when I think about it… extra forks & spoons, ibuprofen, scissors, Kleenex etc. There is a Target in Bozeman. I’m not sending him out into the wilderness alone. He is fully capable of getting anything he needs. This isn’t an episode of Survivor.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I think your village must shift around this stage of life. The village changes to support the moms. I cannot speak for the dads, I feel like many of them don’t talk about this stuff. I’ve seen my village shift over the last 8 months. From supporting me while I looked through senior pics, to helping get ready for graduation open house, and now as I navigate the “last 16 days”””… it’s my friends and family who have picked me up. My village is changing.

  • A friend reminding me to journal out my feelings and (safely) burn the paper…
  • My sister sending an encouraging card…
  • A friend helping me navigate trying to get residency for a new state …
  • A friend listening to me wonder out loud about financial aid and logistics…
  • My sister sending a text to let me know she’s thinking of me…
  • Encouraging words from a friend who has been there…
  • A hug…
  • My husband’s patience as I order another “must have” from Amazon or Target, based on the Bobcat parent group or the ‘Grown and Flown’ group…

I feel like I’m prepared for this some days and other days I read an article about time flying and my eyes get misty. It’s so confusing to feel excited for him, nervous, sad, guilty and happy all at once. It’s strange because we didn’t have a senior year of “lasts” since he was enrolled at the tech school at the same time. It seems like the summer has flown and now I’m starting to use my packing list. I did pick up some extra Kleenex today and a really cool fan came to the door step from Costco.

The past 7 years, I’ve learned to ask for help (more than before). I’ve built a support system and had it shift and change. I’ve tried to prepare him to be out in his own, and he’s made me proud so many times. My village is changing and that’s ok. I’m thankful for those who have stuck with me and continue to support my roller coaster ride.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If your village is changing, that’s ok… and if your new college momma is randomly teary, let her tears flow. Next time she will be sharing about the fun college adventures of her new adult.

This was a lot…

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This was a lot… a lot of preparation, a lot of planning, a lot of moving things & painting things, a lot of pulling weeds, a lot of mowing, a lot of baking cupcakes, a lot of pictures, a lot of lists, a lot of folding chairs. It was also a lot of friends & family helping out, a lot people showing up and a lot of memories made. We celebrated our son’s graduations from Tech School for welding and from high school this past weekend. We had a nice stream of people, a few sprinkles of rain, and a calm evening. Two of his high school buddies from his old school came for the weekend. The smile on Dallas’ face was worth all of the preparation. To hear him tell welding stories to the party guests and show off his certification welds made me happy.

I know he loves it. I know he will love Montana. I know he will make more friends and new memories… memories that I won’t be a part of. Seeing all of the pictures from when he was little made me nostalgic. Not sad, just nostalgic. I’m not sad that he is growing up. I’m not sad that he’s moving away. I will miss him for sure. I just wish I could have a little more time with that little boy farming on my carpet. I wish I could get back the year that I had cancer because it seemed like a blur. I wish I would have had the words to calm worries and mend broken hearts.

But I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot of conversations at bed time, a lot of cookies made and eaten, a lot of side hugs when my hands were full of something else. I don’t tell him how proud I am of him because I want him to be proud of himself… to seek that pride on his own instead of looking for someone else to fill it. But I am proud of him. I’m proud of how he came back from failing classes to accepting help. I’m proud that he can carry on a conversation with adults. I’m proud that he can be his own advocate. I’m proud he found a unique skill and learned how to improve on it. I could go on, but you get the idea. Is the kid perfect? Nope. And I don’t expect him to be. I’m proud nonetheless.

So I sat by the fire on Sunday night, reflecting on the week. There were a lot of emotions from the book launch, to graduation prep, to the party and the cleanup. There were a lot of cupcakes left over and a lot of things to put away. I’m thankful for it all.

I feel like summer can begin now. We were able to go tubing down the river with my sister and nieces and Dallas’ friend. The weather was perfect and it was a great way to top off the weekend. The quiet time by the fire was what I needed to. It may have been a lot, but it was also just enough.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Excuse me while I go make notes for a party four years from now….

Zip lines & spider webs…

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2 years ago, I was zip lining in the mountains of CA for a cancer survivor retreat. I like to remember that trip. For me, it reminds me of what is possible. It reminds me I can fly to CA, drive up a mountain by myself (without getting lost), and stay with strangers who would become friends. I can do a ropes course, zip line and do yoga on the mountainside. I can share my story, and listen to someone else’s story without fear or judgement. I grew a lot that weekend. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I think it was a turning point for me. I can do the tough things and still be vulnerable.

It’s bittersweet because we’ve lost some of the ladies from the retreat. My heart aches for their loved ones who have a void that won’t be filled. The kids who miss their mom, the spouses, friends and parents who reach for the phone and realize they can’t call to say hi. They enriched the lives of those they touched, but it still doesn’t make sense why they had to pass. Some things just don’t have easy answers.

The loss reminds me to appreciate my health, to cherish my friendships and to find JOY. It reminds me to fill my circle with people who cheer me on, even if I don’t make it across the ropes. We all have an invisible connection. When I picture it, I see a spider web. It slowly spins as we tell our stories and gain a connection. By the end of the weekend, the web was strong. Roommates, similar diagnosis, similar struggle, similar victories, similar likes and dislikes, with a common respect and a lasting connection.

A zip line in the mountains was where I found my courage. A zip line in the mountains was where I laughed and screamed and almost puked. A zip line in the mountains will hold a special place in my heart. And every year when this memory pops up, I will think of this web of connection woven between women who started with one common thread (cancer), and ended up with so many more. Your tragedy doesn’t have to define you, but it sure shapes you in a different way.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find your own “zip line in the mountains” and don’t forget to keep your eyes open. The view is breathtaking!

Are you willing to stick your tongue out?

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This is one of the many bird feeders in our back yard. It is empty. Although we’ve had some snow lately, it has melted and hopefully it will feel like spring soon. The bird feeder isn’t empty due to a bunch of migrating birds returning from their winter vacation. It’s not empty because of a wind storm or squirrels. Nope, it is empty due to the deer wandering through the yard. While this feeder closes if a squirrel gets on it, it does not close if a deer sticks its tongue through the hole to lick out the bird seed.

Pretty creative, right? The deer walking from the state park through our yard like to stop for a snack, I guess. We have 3 “winter feeders” we keep full all year. These 3 deer were having some breakfast when we looked out the patio. (Our snow is gone finally- this was a little while ago)

How often does our life not go quite like we planned it? How often are we forced to adapt? Sometimes we have to be creative, be like the deer and stick our tongue out. It might be something small like a road detour causing us to reroute. It might be a larger event – job change, a sickness, a marriage, divorce, baby or graduation causing us to adjust to our new circumstances. Will you keep walking past the feeder, not even realizing that it’s a solution? Will you pay attention to the person showing you the way? Will you take the path not yet traveled? Sometimes the detour is wonderful and exciting, yet other times it feels scary. There isn’t one right answer, you just have to be open to new ways to seek help or find solutions.

I was happy that there were deer in the back yard. If it was a bear in the bird feeder, that might have been a different story. My chickens are pretty safe with the deer. Deer are often a symbol of peace and serenity. I figured they had some kind of lesson or wisdom to share. I think the wisdom is ‘to find peace amidst the change.’ Often times, the part of change that feels scary is the lack of control… the fear of the unknown. Maybe if we are willing to stick out tongues out, we might find what we are looking for.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find some answers you’ve been searching for, and maybe a full bird feeder or two.

You can’t skip the flour and the dishes…

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I have always loved to bake. I make pies, cookies and breads for the farmers market. Pies are a favorite. There is something special about a homemade pie crust. The flakey, crispy, melt in your mouth pie crust brings back memories for many people. It brings me back to my mom’s kitchen in the 1911 farmhouse I grew up in. It makes me think of the red and white Betty Crocker cookbook (the crust recipe I always use). I remember her saying, “Save your fork,” after the meal… then you knew there would be dessert!

Aside from pumpkin (which HAS to be Festal), I make all of my fillings from scratch. It isn’t quick but I’ve gotten better at pie time management. Before a market, I’ll prep the filling mixes (the sugar, flour, cinnamon etc) so that it’s ready to mix in with the fruit when the crust is made. I’ll have my son help line some pizza pans with foil to reduce oven drips. I’ll make sure I have the cinnamon and sugar mixed up for the pie crust crispies.

There are some things about pie baking you just can’t skip. For mine, I need flour. I haven’t tried gluten free pie crust yet and I don’t have a flour free kitchen, so there is flour everywhere. It’s difficult to keep flour off the counter, the apron and even the floor. It’s a key ingredient to the crust. It can’t be skipped. Dishes are the other thing that comes with baking. Even though I put pies in disposable tins, I have bowls for the crusts, the special fork I use to mix it, the rolling pin, all of the measuring spoons and cups and even a small basting brush to make the top of the crust extra tasty. Dishes. Ugh. If ever I could hire help, it would be solely for the dishes. But they are necessary.

The mess is necessary. You can’t skip it. You can’t skip an ingredient and the dishes have to be done. Similar to life, you can’t skip the middle. You can’t skip over the messy parts or the clean up. You’ll get covered in flour and have a full dishwasher, but in the end, you’ll have a wonderful, delicious pie. (Ok yes, you could just buy a pie, but you get the idea). To me, baking is therapy. It’s soothing. I am creating something and sharing a skill. I’m baking JOY. I’m offering a connection – since most people share a pie (although I do not judge if you chose to keep one for yourself!)

I love seeing the people smile at the market when they buy a pie. They talk about bringing it to a friend for pie and ice cream, or a having a coffee snack. They don’t think about the mess behind it, they just get to enjoy the finished product. They have their own “flour and dishes” to deal with. We all do. Let people into your flour mess. Let them help with the dishes. And let them scoop up some ice cream when you’re done. We are meant to help each other in some way. We might as well enjoy some pie too.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. I also wish for you to have flour messes and dishes so you can get to the pie part. Save your fork, the best is yet to come.

Detours and rerouting …

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This is a small dam near our place. The water from the lake flows over the dam and down the river. If you look closely, you can see the erosion on the far side. The water decided it wanted to go on the other side of that metal wall. It eroded the bank and started to flow a little too quickly.

This is the river we float down in the summer. This is my relaxing spot. For a couple of hours, time slows down. The water and the sun, the slow pace, the wildlife and fish… it’s all just what I need. Catching up with friends while we slowly float down the river is a highlight of the summer.

I’m not sure what it will look like this year. They are adding rock and trying to fix the erosion. Since it’s only March, (and in MN that means we still have potential winter), we have time. Also, the lake it flows from is one of the deepest, so it melts last. This means the water is pretty cold in the spring. We have some time before we need to air up the lounge floaters.

This wasn’t part of the plan for the dam. It’s a detour, a rerouting. It got me thinking about all of the detours or rerouting I’ve gone through. Some times I welcomed it, and other times I resisted. It came either way, whether I was ready or not. It’s more comfortable to stay in the stream, to stay the course. We get caught up in routines and before we know it, a whole year has gone by. Cancer was a detour, moving was a rerouting… they both created experiences I wouldn’t have had if I had stayed where I was. I wouldn’t have met the people I met because of cancer. I wouldn’t be writing a blog each week. I wouldn’t have gotten rid of household cleaning chemicals or become aware of my health. I wouldn’t get to wake up to rows of trees and chickens and a cat if we hadn’t moved. I wouldn’t have grown a huge garden and become a cottage food producer. I wouldn’t have perfected a pie crust and found almond cake recipes.

Sometimes it’s ok to be rerouted. Sometimes it’s ok to have a detour. You never know where you will end up as a result. For me, I hope the actual river will be great for tubing when May rolls around. Wherever your life detour takes you, I hope you have someone to share it with. While you’re being rerouted, I hope you know you are enough. If you’re struggling with that, please reach out. Talk to a friend, a pastor, a counselor… someone. Sometimes we just need to share our story and to know we aren’t alone in the detour. I wish you peace on your journey of enough.

But we will…

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Last weekend, my husband and I drove to Fargo to return some things. Outgrown, duplicates and just plain “not needed” stuff filled the back seat. We left our house for the afternoon, just the two of us. As we drove away, I said, “This is kind of like a long date!” He looked at me like I was nuts. The thing is, I can’t remember the last time we went somewhere alone. It might have happened in the last year but it certainly wasn’t want a regular thing. It was enough to make it seem special. No occasion, just a Saturday afternoon to go to “the big city,” return some things, see friends in person and have some delicious food.

Our short shopping trip was successful. Items returned or exchanged quickly and easily. I’ve been working from home a lot and just don’t go out much. It felt good to be away from home. I no longer live near a Kohl’s or Old Navy or Scheels. I miss the variety and the selection (& quite honestly, the thrill of shopping.) I remember thinking, “I’ll never take shopping for granted again….” but we will. We will get vaccinated and get herd immunity and some parts of life will get back to normal. We will look at a trip to Target as a chore instead of a rare outing.

We went out for supper and met our two friends. We couldn’t recall the last time we saw each other in person. We weren’t sure when the last time just the 4 of us went out for a meal either. We enjoyed some appetizers and flights of beer (or ciders in my case). Our meal was great. I remember thinking, “We won’t take this for granted again.” But we will. We will eventually be eating in full restaurants. We will sit down instead of getting take out or delivery or contactless drop off.

I remember when I broke my foot after my radiation was done. The long wait of wearing a boot, using a scooter and not putting weight on my foot seemed endless. “I’ll be so thankful when I can walk again. I won’t take it for granted.” But I did. My son did the same after he broke his leg. He doesn’t think much about it now.

We aren’t meant to dwell in the past. We may think we can’t move forward, but we will. The bumps in the road are reminders that we are human… we aren’t immortal or invincible. There are no capes or magic wands to wave. We will get through this. Will their be changes and even loss? Unfortunately, yes. Our journey is meant to bring us together, and that seems so contradictory when we’ve spent so much time apart over the last year.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. We may think we won’t ever get back to normal, but we will.

Silver and Gold…

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“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other is gold.” I remember singing this as a young girl. I couldn’t remember where. Thanks to Google, I realized it was from my days in Girl Scouts.

What triggered this memory from years ago? A friend I met at a cancer survivor retreat is passing away. She loved the Golden Girls and even went on a Golden Girls theme cruise. She is the third one from the retreat to pass away since April 2019. In less than 2 years, 3 of the 30 ladies have passed away. All of them were younger ladies with loved ones who will miss them. I wasn’t prepared for this to happen. Recurrence makes us more aware of our own mortality. We aren’t immortal. Sometimes we forget this and act as though we will live forever.

The Healing Odyssey 53rd retreat in the mountains of California was completely out of my comfort zone. They try to make it affordable so any cancer survivor can attend. I just had to get myself to CA. Flying alone is something I’ve done before. Staying with 29 other ladies who have had cancer previously or were still being treated was an experience like no other. I had an instant bond with total strangers. My story was enough. My cancer was enough. My journey was enough. I told them stories very few people know. I cried with and hugged these new friends. I zip-lined – which is something I swore I’d never do. I went on a ropes course, high in the trees with my legs shaking so fiercely as I thought for sure I’d fall. I did yoga outside at the top of the mountain. I went for walks among the tall pine trees and sat silently to look out over the valley below.

The whole song is: Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold. A circle is round, it has no end. That’s how long I will be your friend. A fire burns bright, it warms the heart. We’ve been friends from the very start. You have one hand, I have the other. Put them together, we have each other. Silver is precious, gold is too. I am precious and so are you. You help me and I’ll help you, and together we will see it through. The sky is blue. The Earth is green. I can help to keep it clean. Across the land, Across the sea… Friends forever we will always be.

I’m forever grateful for my experience at the retreat. I hope they are able to hold it again once COVID is under control. Rest In Peace sweet friends.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Take a moment to reach out to your silver and gold friends today.

What’s in your cabinet?

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This is the cabinet in our bathroom. We moved into this house almost 4 years ago. It was built in 2006 by the technical college. They didn’t find it necessary to have many cabinets or closets for storage. We moved into this smaller (square footage) house with lots fewer options to put stuff. I found some cabinets at our Habitat for Humanity store in town and those have helped to ease the crowding.

Recently though, I have taken a clutter clearing class. You wouldn’t know it by looking at my living room, but I have taken several classes, read some books and bought some books with the intent to read. The latest class had us start in the bedroom. I went through my closet (again) and my youngest son went through his clothes also. We were able to donate 4 large bags of clothes and sold some of the name brand items locally. He is a typical 14 year old and went through growth spurts, causing a whole bunch of “too small” clothes that were barely worn. Turns out, a friend of mine had a son who was needing some new pants and it worked out perfectly.

Stuff. Clutter. Extras. Why do we hold onto it? The answer is different for everyone. It might be an emotional attachment, but often times there is a story or history tied to the item. I tend to keep a lot of “just in case” stuff. I have a crazy amount of beach towels. I went through a period of time where I bought a bunch of rugs. I have way too many shoes. It’s true that everything in the house takes the mental capacity to remember where it is in case someone may need it. I just released 4 bags of things I no longer need to keep track of. One thing I liked about this class on decluttering was the time limit set. Spend 30 minutes and then move on. She didn’t say to spend a whole day or that you need to throw it all out in 5 hours. 30 minutes. It’s a start. It felt like releasing a weight and made me want to continue.

Anyone else shove stuff in a closet and then forget about it? Stuff, feelings, emotions, goals… it doesn’t have to be just physical. Regardless of what you’re cleaning out of the cupboard, be gentle with yourself in the process. Keep the stuff that sparks joy. Bless and release the rest. January lends itself to being a goal setting, life changing month… and then by February, we beat ourselves up because we didn’t achieve our big goals. 30 minutes to declutter your closet or your thoughts. 30 minutes of mindfulness, 30 minutes of meditation, 30 minutes of journaling, 30 minutes of movement. I’m one to say I don’t have time, yet I will watch TV for 30 minutes. Little shifts can make a difference, but if February comes and your world isn’t magically different, it’s ok. Be gentle with yourself and try again.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you take the 30 minutes to open the cabinet. You may be blessing someone else with the items you release.

Here comes the sun…

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I was sitting in Sanford hospital last week, waiting for my son’s cardio appointment & “Here Comes the Sun” plays over the speakers. They play this when a Covid patient gets sent home. It made me smile, although you wouldn’t be able to see it.

Earlier that day, I found out that my friend had passed from pancreatic cancer. My heart was heavy, but also filled with peace. I could envision her greeting her husband with a huge smile & arms wide open. I knew she would always watch over her daughter, but it’s not the same. The conversations aren’t quite the same, and you don’t get physical hugs. A few years ago, I met her at a Spirit School retreat. We connected instantly. I also connected with her husband who had passed away. We would see each other once or twice a year & keep in touch via texts etc. It was at that retreat where I learned we can connect with those who have passed away. When people say, “I just wish I could talk to them”… you can. Sure, it’s different, but you can still connect and communicate with them. I’m not a teacher or professional in this area, but I have had the experience. It’s one that’s probably easier to write about than to talk about. (Partially because I can’t see you rolling your eyes right now.)

Have you experienced a loved one appearing in a dream? Found feathers, seen cardinals, eagles, pennies/dimes/quarters? If you think it might be a message from them, it probably is. My friend’s husband came through in eagles. My aunt comes through pennies, my grandparents through pennies and dimes, and my mother-in-law through quarters. It makes me think of death differently. Although I’m still super sad at the passing of my friend, I know her spirit is at peace. I know she joined her husband and has left her earthly body. Less than 12 hours after she passed, her favorite song came on the radio. It’s not a current/pop song, so for me to hear it was certainly a sign from her. I smiled and cried and said, “thank you – I’m glad you made it.” Since then, I’ve seen 2 eagles, found a penny and visited with her in a meditation.

It’s no coincidence that I heard the song at the hospital either. The song “Here Comes the Sun” is one of hope. It’s about the sun coming after a long, cold winter. I believe my friend is feeling the sun. Her earthly pain is gone. Her winter is over and she is among the angels and spirits. I will miss seeing her at the retreats and hearing her laugh. I’m looking forward to the signs she sends.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May the sun start to shine even though our actual winter isn’t over.