Tag: #baking

Cookies & fresh starts…

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I looked back at my published posts, and I haven’t written since August. I have drafts, but never published. I have things started, but lacked the confidence. Where do I begin? What do I explain? It’s been so long.

But as I was walking to the mailbox in the rain, a whole series of paragraphs flooded my mind. And, I decided it was time. Ready or not.

I made cookies for my husband’s birthday. I’ve made cakes or lemon bars in the past, but raisin cookies are his favorite. The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg filled the house and I started thinking about cookies, and how they mean something different to me than they do to most people.

Most people probably don’t think much about them. But when I think about cookies, I have a mix of emotions & memories. I remember baking cookies with my mom. I remember the special mixing fork she used (never a stand/hand mixer), the homemade frosting for sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and without, tiny gingersnaps and the people we shared them with. I remember all of the times my boys stood on a chair with their tiny aprons, helping to mix cookies, sneaking a bite of dough, dumping a whole container of sprinkles, decorating sugar cookies and saving some chocolate chips off to the side.

Cookies bring me joy. They are like a hug in the form of a treat. I’d bake when I was frustrated, as a way to calm down. I’d bake to bring treats for the kids or to a friend. As the years passed, the boys learned to bake on their own too. Last year, Myles made almost all of the treats for the Farmer’s Market. Dallas has made brownies and pies, much to the surprise of his roommates.

Cookies also bring me guilt & shame. As a T2 diabetic, I know I shouldn’t be eating them. The lower sugar or artificial sugar ones just don’t taste the same. I think I’ve only made cookies once since Christmas, so I cannot blame them on my weight. And my blood sugar has stayed remarkably “in range” despite the added pounds. I’m not exactly sure how to get past the guilt part. It’s a work in progress. Maybe I just need to focus on the joy that they bring to me and to others.

My fresh start is to get back to writing. Even for a brief while… if nothing else, just for me. It’s not something that will bring me fame or fortune, just peace. And I will probably have a cookie with my coffee.

Comfort stars…

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I can’t tell you how many bowls of chicken noodle soup I’ve had in my lifetime, but I can tell you for sure that number of bowls consumed while sick far outweighs the bowls I’ve had when I felt well. From Lipton noodle soup to Campbell’s Chicken & Stars, those were the traditional comfort foods when I had a cold or didn’t feel well. (And of course, some saltine crackers.)

It’s interesting how many emotions can be stirred up by different foods. Often we think of celebrations, traditions, highs or lows. We might be able to remember the sweet or savory tastes and smells while being transported back in time. Having chicken & stars soup tonight made me think of our old green and gold sofa. As I sat on my own gold/yellow sofa, I thought of all of the times my mom made soup for me when I was sick. There may be some negative food related memories, but for me, they were mostly positive.

I had a health coach tell me to remove the emotion from food, and just see it as fuel for the body. I wasn’t very successful with that concept. Even “mindless snacking” is often a form of self soothing/comfort. Sharing food or cooking and baking for someone is often an expression of love. It’s a form of gift giving, by sharing your talents and resources. It’s one of the things that brings me joy. While I don’t necessarily have fancy or expensive taste, I do appreciate good food. I also gravitate to the foods that are tied to a memory of a person or an event.

Now that I’m physically back in the office half of the time, I’m sure my cubicle neighbor thinks a goat moved in next door since I do like to snack. Surprisingly, I think I snacked less when my kitchen was 30 feet from my office. Maybe I’ll incorporate some comfort snacks into my desk drawer stash. For tonight, I’ll have my “comfort stars” in hopes of warding off a cold.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. What are some of your favorite comfort foods? Which ones bring you back to a special birthday or celebration? Do you have a family tradition or a favorite dish your grandma made?

What do cookies and peas have to do with self worth?

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I could hear the jet skis zooming around the lake. The sun was warm and I was jealous of the people on the water. You can see the lake from our driveway, but we are not on the water. Instead, I was picking peas. While I am thankful for a good crop this year due to diligent watering, I kept thinking about how much hard work this is. I wondered if people realized the amount of manual labor that goes into fresh veggies. Planting, weeding, watering, weeding, picking, weighing & packaging… a lot goes into a pea pod or string bean. We took 48 lbs of peas to the farmers market last weekend and SOLD OUT! So when people ask me for a discount if they buy a certain quantity, it’s difficult for me to say no, but I know I will sell them. My/our time is the same regardless if someone buys one pound or 10. Also, if we don’t sell the produce, we will eat it fresh or freeze it for ourselves.

I’m also in the Minnesota Cottage Food Producers group online. Someone said they are new to farmers markets and wanted to know what people charge for cookies. Our market is normally $6/6 cookies. Some of the other area bakers were $8-$12. When I mentioned that I charge $3/6 cookies, several of them said I needed to raise my prices. It feels strange to do that since people are used to ours being $3, and we sell out of 25-30 bags per weekend.

Then it dawned on me… this is tied to my self worth. Ouch. I don’t feel worthy of charging a fair price because I feel bad, or because I don’t take into account my time. “Acts of service/gift giving” are high on my love language scores. So normally I want to give and help but don’t expect or accept much in return. But so far this year, I have not given a discount for peas. They are a lot of work. I also have not raised my cookie prices though. Baby steps.

I help pick veggies after work or on weekends. One of my sisters was visiting last week and offered to help pick. I gladly accepted since the garden is in full swing, our son has a part time job, and my husband is working on our patio. When she brought in the bowls of peas, she had music playing. For some reason, it never dawned on me to have music in the garden. We don’t have fields of peas, beans or potatoes. We just have a very large garden. I’ve always picked in silence unless someone is out with me. A little Taylor Swift might be a good idea instead of my rambling thoughts. I would write them down, but there are too many. I’d use the “talk to text” on my phone, but that usually goes horribly wrong. The deep thoughts about cookies, peas and self worth came while I was in the garden. I thought I’d share in case anyone else was struggling.

Your time is worth something. Your talents are worth something. Don’t settle for less. Don’t discount a skill, service or product unless you feel comfortable doing so. You are enough, everybody has something to offer (that’s an old church hymn.)

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I’ll be over here deciding what cookies to bake and munching on some sugar snap peas.

Labor of love…

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It’s almost here… June 20th is when the book comes out. I am the author for one of the chapters. I’d be lying if I said being a “published author” was a lifelong dream of mine. I actually hadn’t dreamed that BIG for my writing. Sure, there was a maybe or someday that danced through my head, but I honestly never thought I’d be good enough to be a published author. And then I had cancer and writing became a way for me to manage and share information. Every now and then, someone would throw a compliment my way. I’d dismiss it, because they were just being polite, right?

Then I went to a retreat and was opened up to a whole new realm I hadn’t experienced before. I met intuitive, magical and strong women. Women who lifted each other up and supported without judgement. People I wouldn’t have come in contact with during my regular life. Each retreat widened the circle…. several returned, new people came… our spiderweb of connectivity grew.

I can’t explain the feeling, other than to say I felt like my authentic self. I could share and listen and be lifted up. Intuition was celebrated and shared instead of hidden. I began to look at life differently. I still believe in God, but I’m also more connected to nature and aware of the signs from our loved ones and angels.

I’ve been pregnant and given birth twice. Because of infertility treatments, I knew I was pregnant when I was exactly 17 days along. 9 months of excitement and worry, puking and having swollen feet, insulin shots and bloodwork. Fifteen (first one) and seven (second) hours of labor. This book has been a much shorter version of a labor of love. I’ve felt like I was going to puke, I’ve worried and stressed, written and rewritten, and the day is almost here. My chapter is called “Journey to Joy” because there is a book in my heart already called Journey of Enough. I talk about two of the things that bring me joy and a little more about my back story. I have no idea how many copies I will sell, or how many the other authors will sell. I hope that collectively we will reach a bunch of readers. I’m excited to read the other chapters and to feel the book in my hands.

I’d love to sign a copy for you. $22 covers the book, tax and shipping. June 20th is our launch date (and right around graduation open house time so it will be a busy week.) My journey of enough has brought me to the journey to joy… and I can’t wait to share it with you! Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

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The Wild Woman’s Book of Shadows

Pre-order your author signed copy. Tax and shipping included. Books will ship after June 20th. Allow 1-2 weeks for delivery.

$22.00

You can’t skip the flour and the dishes…

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I have always loved to bake. I make pies, cookies and breads for the farmers market. Pies are a favorite. There is something special about a homemade pie crust. The flakey, crispy, melt in your mouth pie crust brings back memories for many people. It brings me back to my mom’s kitchen in the 1911 farmhouse I grew up in. It makes me think of the red and white Betty Crocker cookbook (the crust recipe I always use). I remember her saying, “Save your fork,” after the meal… then you knew there would be dessert!

Aside from pumpkin (which HAS to be Festal), I make all of my fillings from scratch. It isn’t quick but I’ve gotten better at pie time management. Before a market, I’ll prep the filling mixes (the sugar, flour, cinnamon etc) so that it’s ready to mix in with the fruit when the crust is made. I’ll have my son help line some pizza pans with foil to reduce oven drips. I’ll make sure I have the cinnamon and sugar mixed up for the pie crust crispies.

There are some things about pie baking you just can’t skip. For mine, I need flour. I haven’t tried gluten free pie crust yet and I don’t have a flour free kitchen, so there is flour everywhere. It’s difficult to keep flour off the counter, the apron and even the floor. It’s a key ingredient to the crust. It can’t be skipped. Dishes are the other thing that comes with baking. Even though I put pies in disposable tins, I have bowls for the crusts, the special fork I use to mix it, the rolling pin, all of the measuring spoons and cups and even a small basting brush to make the top of the crust extra tasty. Dishes. Ugh. If ever I could hire help, it would be solely for the dishes. But they are necessary.

The mess is necessary. You can’t skip it. You can’t skip an ingredient and the dishes have to be done. Similar to life, you can’t skip the middle. You can’t skip over the messy parts or the clean up. You’ll get covered in flour and have a full dishwasher, but in the end, you’ll have a wonderful, delicious pie. (Ok yes, you could just buy a pie, but you get the idea). To me, baking is therapy. It’s soothing. I am creating something and sharing a skill. I’m baking JOY. I’m offering a connection – since most people share a pie (although I do not judge if you chose to keep one for yourself!)

I love seeing the people smile at the market when they buy a pie. They talk about bringing it to a friend for pie and ice cream, or a having a coffee snack. They don’t think about the mess behind it, they just get to enjoy the finished product. They have their own “flour and dishes” to deal with. We all do. Let people into your flour mess. Let them help with the dishes. And let them scoop up some ice cream when you’re done. We are meant to help each other in some way. We might as well enjoy some pie too.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. I also wish for you to have flour messes and dishes so you can get to the pie part. Save your fork, the best is yet to come.

What sparks a memory…

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The picture above is of “pie crust things.” Something delicious that never got a proper name. When my mom baked pies, she would cut off the outer edges, place them on a cookie sheet and sprinkle with sugar & cinnamon. I loved the pies but I looked forward to this tasty treat just as much. It was also a good way to see if your crust was going to be good- kind of like a preview. I vividly remember talking with someone about the pie crust things and they looked at me like I was from Mars. I instantly realized this was not something everyone did. I clammed up, thinking my experience was wrong instead of just different. Most people throw that part away I guess? I can’t imagine.

There is something about these pie crust things that make me think about my childhood. I love the way the house smells when a pie is in the oven. I love the flaky tender pie crust, still warm on the cookie sheet. I remember my dad saying, “This is the best apple pie I’ve had all month” (or insert time frame since the last one.) It’s amazing to me how food can bring back a flood of emotions. Perhaps that’s why I struggle so much with my food relationship. There are certain things I don’t want to let go of. Some things that bring up strong memories:

  • BBBats candy reminds me of being “good” at the doctor or dentist and getting a treat.
  • Blue raspberry popsicles remind me of summer in general.
  • Chick-o-stick candy reminds me of the swimming pool concession stand and of my sister, since this was one of her favorites.
  • Kuchen makes me think of my mom’s side of the family and their great treats.
  • Ginger snaps remind me of my dad’s mom and the tiny cookies she would make at Christmas.
  • Duck with orange sauce reminds me of family birthday dinners at home. I don’t think we went out to eat for birthdays, but we could pick our meal at home.
  • Red velvet cake reminds me of my childhood friend whose mother would make it for her birthday every year.
  • Circle cinnamon crimp bread make me think of a treat from the grocery store.

Clearly, I don’t have this food relationship thing figured out yet. Also, there are some things that you think you love, only to find out it’s not the same. This happened recently with brats from our old grocery store. We remembered them being our favorite. We had them recently & we both agreed they were “ok.” Our memory of them was a higher standard than the real thing.

Perhaps it’s more of a harmony/balance type thing – small amounts that bring those comforting memories, without over-doing it. I’m not sure. If you’re on a journey of self acceptance, change and balance all in one, I’m there with you. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Oh, and if you’ve never tried the pie crust thing, give it a try. It’s a game changer!

I didn’t breathe…

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This was me on Saturday at my niece’s wedding. It was 90 degrees in ND on a hot summer night. The gym (where the reception & dance were held) was air conditioned, but it just couldn’t keep up with having over 300 people, the humid weather and doors opening. The humidity isn’t the reason why I didn’t breathe. I didn’t breathe because I was running around, trying to make it all perfect, and I failed to fully take it all in. The day went by almost as fast as my own wedding and I didn’t stop and take a breath.

My oldest sister’s oldest daughter got married Saturday. My husband and I were asked to be a host couple, and I offered to bake cupcakes. My love language is “acts of service,” followed by “words of affirmation.” People who know me will totally understand. I like to “do” and to help. (If baking was a love language, that would be on the list too. We made around 400 cupcakes with homemade frosting.) I’m not sure what a typical host couple does at weddings, but my planning & control freak sides take over and I become the Energizer bunny. I helped with my nephew’s wedding a few years ago also. The reception was in the same place, so I was somewhat familiar. It’s an old school, no longer used as a school but as an antique shop and community center. The gym is beautiful and makes a great wedding reception venue. The town itself isn’t really even a town anymore. They don’t appear on the list of ND town census. There is literally one street. I think there are 2 or 3 houses.

Big dark thunderstorm clouds loomed on the horizon as we took some family pictures outside. The temperature dropped a few degrees, and it appeared as though we would get drenched, but the rains stayed away. The wedding was beautiful. My niece was stunning and her groom had the biggest smile… just as it should be. She had planned everything, had a budget, an itinerary, and a vision of how things would look. It all looked magical. Everyone seemed to have a good time. It was hot, but we had lots of bottled water for the guests. There were snacks and bars and hundreds of cupcakes.

“You should really sit down.” I’m pretty sure I heard that phrase 20 times that night. In my mind, a good event is one where things are tidy and there are extra paper towels and toilet paper and the garbages are taken care of. The snack table is refilled, the lemonade is cold, there is plenty of water and the tables are cleared of plates & cups and half eaten bars. That was my job, at least in my head. For as many times as someone told me to stop running around, my niece and her new husband said, “thank you.” A sincere, loving, heart felt appreciation for what was being done… so they could just enjoy their wedding.

One of my aunts sent me a note the next day. She said, “I watched you scan the room and take care of every detail.” I didn’t do this for recognition or praise. I did it as an act of service. A few years ago, after my brother-in-law’s farm accident, we didn’t know if he’d get to walk his daughter down the aisle… but he did. I also

did this for him and my sister, so they could also enjoy the night.

I did dance a few songs with my husband. (We can two step to almost anything.) I wish I would have stopped a little more though, just to breathe deep. I should have taken it all in. I should have absorbed that love and joy and newness of marriage.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you stop and take a breath amidst the chaos. May you look for the good and focus on the blessings. The more you focus on the blessings, the more abundant they become. They sure were abundant for these newlyweds. Wishing them many years of wedded bliss. I’d do it all again, but next time, I’ll breathe more.

Thanks & giving…

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This past Thursday, we spent Thanksgiving with extended family & friends. 2 large meals and a whole table of pies and desserts made for some stuffed guests, not just stuffed turkey. Friday morning at 3:30am, our alarm rang. We threw some clothes on & hopped in the car. This year, our boys came with us for Black Friday shopping. Their eyes were wide yet sleepy while hundreds of people streamed into Fleet Farm on a chilly North Dakota morning. Some were just there for the free stuffed sloth. We made a couple more stops and didn’t have to wait in line too long. The reward? Some kid-approved Christmas gifts & Sandy’s donuts (one of the best donut shops around). We have lots to give thanks for.

We stayed in West Fargo with our friends. Our plans were to do our Christmas baking on Saturday. Since Black Friday shopping went smoothly, we started baking a few things early. Our annual baking day turned into baking days – plural. Most of our recipes were doubled or x6! A neighbor & her mom came over to join in the fun. From Friday afternoon through Saturday at 9pm, we went through more than 25lbs of sugar and flour, over 120 eggs. My husband packaged all of the treats into 3 separate tables of containers. Her husband did dishes for hours. We mixed, measured, scooped, baked, dipped and rolled until we smelled like sugar. Our aprons, the counters and the floors were covered in sugar & flour. Good thing my friend loves to sweep! Many of these goodies will be gifts. Some will be for piano open houses, some for bus drivers, teachers, neighbors and co-workers. Family gatherings and pot-luck events and a Relay for Life fundraiser will all benefit from our baking day. Our joy is in giving it away! (Of course some will be snacks at home too)

You know the saying that anything “baked with love” tastes better? I think that’s why people love our treats. They aren’t anything strange or necessarily special- but they are baked with love. While Christmas music plays in the background, we bake our treats and visit. There may have been a glass or two of wine included, but not too much – we need to make sure the measurements are accurate! We can’t exactly remember when it started, but it’s been about 9-10 yrs that we have baked together. I think we only missed the year we moved. Each year, one of us packs up half the kitchen and comes with recipes and “raw materials” to bake several dozen treats. I think we made 25 different kinds of treats this year, but we’ve been told to scale back next year, our our packaging department might protest.

Whatever your holiday traditions are, I hope they involve both thanks AND giving. Peace be with you on your journey of enough & may you enjoy a holiday treat or spend some time laughing and visiting with those you love.

Thousands to share…

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When my friend and I get together, it’s quite the opposite of the “5 loaves and 3 fishes” story. We always over-do food. Not sure why but we both do, so when we are together, we could easily add a few more people and still have plenty. For many years, we have gotten together to do our Christmas baking. We aren’t even sure how it started. Likely it was while we were on a walk one time when we were still neighbors. I’m guessing we got to talking about holiday baking & thought that since we both liked to bake, it would be a great way to do it together. We would try to get together once a month for a group meal. Maybe we talked about it then. Not sure. It all started with her bringing over her baking supplies and using our double oven to make the baking go faster. Of course there were lists involved (who made which one and how much). We each picked our favorites to make. Eventually we found some new ones and got rid of some others.

We made a full day of it each year. Our husbands were in charge of dishes, packaging & the babies. Now our kids are much older and we don’t need the pack & play or diaper bags. The year I was diagnosed with cancer, we still baked. We made an extra batch of everything & took it to a neighbor who was also battling cancer. I was still numb from my diagnosis- still not sure what path my treatment would take. Baking has always been like therapy to me. Not sure why, I just love it. Last year we didn’t do baking day. We had moved into a rental and things were crazy. Between the two of us, we didn’t have a good weekend to do it and my double oven was gone. When we were cleaning out our old house, I cried when I saw sprinkles under the stove – so many memories of baking in that house.

So, this year, we took baking day “on the road.” Her friend wanted to join too, so this time, I packed up 1/2 of my kitchen and hauled it to West Fargo. We spent 4 hrs the night before having some wine & just doing “a few things.” Sunday was Game Day! It was an 8am start, and when we left at 5, they were still doing their cut out cookies. After seeing the pictures on Facebook, several people asked if we were doing a bake sale. It’s not why we made that much, but I am taking some of mine to a bake sale at work. We do a fundraiser for Relay for Life. Usually, we give most of it away. We like to eat some of course, but we mainly just love to share it. Several years, we have packed up a bunch to take to the homeless shelter. We give it to teachers and neighbors & co-workers. The fun is in the laughs that we have while we do it. It’s an all-day, 12-14 hr marathon. Our feet are sore, but our freezers are full and we have plenty to share. Her husband likes to keep track of numbers. Final count was 3500 treats, aside from our separate cut outs and the puff corn & reindeer chow.

I ended up sick but it wasn’t from eating too many sweets. Just a bug. Or God’s way of slowing me down. Or maybe I’m getting too old for this. Regardless, the treats were all divided into 3 groups by our packaging department & will be shared throughout December.

Whatever your talent, be sure to share it. This time of year is a great time to reach out to a neighbor or volunteer somewhere. May your journey of enough contain enough sugar for your cookies, enough music for you to sing along and enough laughter to make the time fly. I’m thankful to have had all of that and more yesterday.

The best kind of contagious…

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I decided to give you a break from my cancer diagnosis anniversary to let you know about a great book. I’ve followed Nicole Phillips’ column for a while. She writes a weekly column for the Forum newspaper about kindness & recently released a book. “100 short stories to remind you God is good and so are most people.” I bought 4 copies. Guess what 3 people are getting for Christmas? (Aside from 3M products) The book is a compilation of her columns, all good reminders that it doesn’t necessarily take lots of money or time to spread kindness, sometimes you just need to be nice.

The book gives you lots of examples of how something small can mean a lot to someone else. Sometimes we get too wrapped up in ourselves to think of others. I’m guilty too. We rush about and don’t take the time to listen to others, to smile at the cashier, to ask the server how her day was or to look people in the eyes. If nothing else, maybe it will make you more aware of your fellow humans.

Several years ago, when Dallas was small, we visited family & went to church in Oakes, Nd. They had “quiet bags” for the kids… a bag with some distractions for them. A stuffed toy, coloring pages and crayons, a car, a book etc. Both Cam and I thought this would be a great addition to our own church. The nursery in our hometown church wasn’t “sound proof” and we felt self conscious of our loud toddler. With our tax refund money, we bought cloth bags, found clearance stuffed bunnies, used coupons for etch-a-sketches and found Bible coloring books at the dollar store. I painted on each bag and we filled them up. Over the years, someone brought in 2 stands to put them on and our boys have helped us fill and re-organize the bags. If it makes some parents with little kids feel more welcome and more willing to stay for church with their kids, then that’s great. It was our way of spreading kindness.

There are many simpler examples though… pay it forward in the drive though… help someone who is short on money at the grocery store…visit a nursing home… find out the needs at the local shelter. The ideas are endless.

Each year, for the past several years, my best friend Jessie and our families do a giant baking day. It’s a 12-14 HR marathon day of cookies, candies, bars and snacks. It started when she lived two houses down from us. It seemed like a good idea to use our double oven and kitchen island. Over the years, we streamlined our process and added cooling tables in the garage too. The husbands were in charge of dishes and packaging up the finished product. We each brought our favorite recipes and then doubled or tripled it. We both like to bake, love the chance to visit, and like to share the Christmas goodies. The majority of our treats go to family gatherings, but also to school teachers, mail carriers, bus drivers, co workers and homeless shelters. I know I wrote about this recently, but for us it was a really great tradition… one that we are both missing this year. It’s also one that for us was an easy way to spread kindness.

As we navigate some new paths on our journey, we look towards the opportunity to spread kindness in our new location. I hope you will order Nicole’s book and it will spark some ideas for you too. And, when you are done reading it, do what I did – share it with someone. I gave mine to my new co-worker (with a note thanking her for making me feel so welcome). Peace be with you on your journey of enough… may you have enough  this holiday season to be able to share with others!