Who brought the humbug?

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

My youngest son and I went to a show in Minneapolis on Sunday. It was called “Who brought the humbug?” We had front row seats and he wore a Christmas suit. He certainly didn’t bring the humbug. It was me. (I’m actually in the picture on the screen)

I’m guessing less than 39 people will read this because it makes people uncomfortable.

This is what anxiety looks like. Put together, hair fixed, makeup on, smile… not what you thought? Yeah, me neither.

I didn’t know what it looked like. I used to assume anyone anxious would look worried and be fidgety. I used to assume anyone depressed would be crying and withdrawn. December 9th, 2014, my world changed. I’ve told the story before, but if you’re new, here’s a quick recap. I had gone in for a routine mammogram. That turned into an ultrasound and then a biopsy. “I’m sure it’s nothing, you’re only 41.” That nothing ended up being cancer. I was teaching a class at work when I got the call. “I’m not sure how to tell you this, but you have cancer.” The next several weeks blur together. Fast forward 5 years. Healthy, a little overweight, but cancer free.

We went to the show on Sunday with tap dancing, singing & a band. It was just the two of us because the other two were ice fishing. Gotta love MN! Before the show, we wanted to spread some kindness. We put quarters in the candy machines at the Outlet Mall. Then, with his Christmas suit on, my son and I put candy canes on the door handles of the cars in the parking lot. If there was someone in the car (happened to be all men), I asked if they wanted a candy cane too. They all said “yes.” It’s part of my 46 acts of kindness between my birthday & Christmas. I cannot call them random acts because I have to come up with ideas first – some are random, most are not. While my body is cancer free, my mind wages a different war…. anxiety about the cancer anniversary, seasonal depression, overwhelm of the holidays, lingering thoughts of not doing enough.

This kindness challenge has shifted my focus but it’s still a struggle to get out of my comfort zone. I’ve talked to more strangers than I normally do. Every part of me wants to hibernate and every part of me wants a magical Christmas. How can I be the one who brings both the humbug and the Christmas cookies? Do you ever feel this way? Caught in a tug of war? I know the things I need to do, yet I struggle to get them done. If you’re in the same boat, you’re not alone. Join me in some acts of kindness- random or not. Watch your favorite holiday movie. Dance & sing. Do something that brings you joy. It’s not selfish, it is necessary. You cannot fill from an empty cup! Give yourself the gift of taking care of you also… you’ll have more to give to others.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May your holidays be filled with joy, peace, forgiveness, gratitude, grace, love or whatever you need most this holiday season.

Tradition…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

We have just finished up with Thanksgiving & Black Friday and we got our tree up on Sunday. As I placed my grandma’s crochet angel on top of our Christmas tree, it got me thinking about traditions. Before we had kids, I would look at what other families did for traditions and wonder what ours would be. One aunt and uncle slept by the tree with their kids on Christmas Eve. One family member had oyster stew as a tradition. One grandma made a “Christmas dessert” as a special treat.

Traditions don’t have to be just for the holidays… some people have pizza on a certain night or special birthday treats. It’s tradition for my nephew to have pumpkin pie instead of cake for his birthday (because it’s his favorite & his birthday is close to Thanksgiving). I remember getting to pick the meal for my birthday when I was growing up. It was a big deal.

Traditions tie us together. It’s like an invisible string that connects us to the event/memory/people. When I think of the Christmas angel, I think of my grandma. I picture her sitting in her chair, making the angels. I see her starching them to make them stand up. I picture her smile and hear her laugh. When I see Gingersnap cookies, I think of my other grandma who made them every Christmas. I don’t know if she made them other times if the year, but they were always there on Christmas. I picture her grey hair and glasses. It brings me back to her house with her Siamese cat, Sam. He would hide at Christmas because of all of the commotion. I was one of the few who could pet him.

Traditions bring us back to vivid memories. They make us feel safe and comfortable and reassured. What traditions will my kids remember? I’m not sure. I’d imagine they each have a different one. I tried to force some traditions when they were little, but that didn’t work. They will each have their own view of what they think is special.

Whatever your traditions are or if you create new ones, they are great just as they are. They don’t have to make sense to anyone else. They don’t need to be approved. They don’t need to conform. If it’s special to you, it’s enough.

This busy holiday season, remember that you are enough just as you are. As I am thinking of my 46 acts of kindness, I’ve found myself getting caught up on the act being big enough or good enough. “No act of kindness is too small.” I saw that quote yesterday & it really stuck. No tradition is too small if it means something to you.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you be able to enjoy the holiday season with new or old traditions. May your heart be filled with peace and love… so much so that you just have to share it with others.

Math, birthdays & kindness…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

I’m not sure what age it happened, but somewhere along the way, my age became irrelevant. Of course it was exciting to become a teenager, then sweet 16, then 18 & then 21. Turning 30 was a big deal but I thought I would have been done having kids instead of just starting. 40 seemed like a big deal but I wasn’t sure why. Should I be having a mid-life crisis? Am I only living to be 80? Why don’t I feel like a grown up at 40? This week I turn 46. It’s an odd year that requires me to do math when I think about how old I am. I can guarantee each age has been nothing like I imagined it would be.

I didn’t think I’d be married at 21. I didn’t think I’d change jobs after 40, have cancer at 41 or move at 43. I didn’t think I’d have a hobby farm and 7 chickens at 46. The saying, “you’re only as old as you feel?”… some days I feel 16, and some days I feel 60. Some days it feels like life is zooming by me and I’m missing it. Other days, it seems like Groundhog Day. As I was trying to think about ways to celebrate my birthday, a few ideas crossed my mind. 1) 46 acts of kindness 2) 46 things I’m thankful for 3) 46 things I want to do in the next year. It is Thanksgiving week, but I think I’ll pick kindness. I’m not sure if I will get that many done before my birthday, but I can for sure complete them before Christmas.

46 (not so random) acts of kindness. I like it. Maybe I will count #1 as going back home to get my husbands sinus medicine. We can do acts of kindness to our loved ones as well as friends and strangers. I’ll make a list and report back in December. I encourage you to do some random (or planned) acts of kindness this holiday season also. You don’t have to do 46… just do one or 100 – whatever feels right for you. I know we can for sure use some more kindness in the world, so any amount (above 0) is good.

Wishing you peace on your journey of enough. Regardless of your age, may you take the time to share some kindness. It could make someone’s day and it will likely come back to you in an unexpected way.

Just a chapter…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Have you seen the phrase, “Don’t judge a story by the chapter you walked in on”? Sometimes we get stuck re-reading the same chapter. Even the painful ones are difficult to put down… we somehow feel comfortable with their pattern.

I was recently cleaning out some papers and organizing a filing cabinet (& a tote that has been sitting in our room with miscellaneous things since we moved). I came across this red notebook. The edges are worn and the color on the front is even wearing off. That’s because it traveled with me for every Dr appointment for 6 months or more. This was my “cancer notebook.” A notebook, in my opinion, is key for anyone going through a medical crisis of any kind. The nurses and doctors rush in and out, telling you all kinds of facts and stats and test names and results… it’s overwhelming. It helps to write it down. This book wasn’t my journal. It was my project list. My to-do, to-ask, next step master list. It’s not a large book. I glanced through it while I was cleaning and wondered what to do with it.

It’s just a chapter. It’s not my whole story. It’s not my whole life. It’s a significant, yet small period of time. I couldn’t throw it. Not because I wanted to hang on to that chapter, but because I don’t have a great memory, so when I need to refer to it, at least I’ll have it. When a cousin or relative asks about my testing or what grade the tumor was, that info may have faded from my memory. There are a few things I’m not willing to part with yet and this is one of them. I did give a bunch of shirts and jewelry to a newly diagnosed lady. I didn’t know her but I wanted to pay it forward. I needed to release some of that also. It’s a chapter whose page is ready to turn.

I’m approaching my 5 year (from diagnosis) anniversary. December 9th. My random Tuesday. As I get closer to the anniversary, I feel more at peace with letting go. It was certainly a big part of my story, but I’m happy to begin new chapters. Do you have something you re-read in your story? Is it something that no longer serves you? Can you set it down and walk away? Can you turn the page and start something new? It’s not easy. The familiar is comforting, safe and not as scary. You can do it though. I can do it too. I will still remember it because I have physical scars, but I can start a new chapter. This one is going to be great!

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have the courage to turn the page when you need to. You don’t need to erase it, but you also don’t need to keep re-reading. Share a blank notebook with someone… you might be helping them with their new chapter.

Quick question (from an introvert’s perspective)…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Quick question? Have you ever asked an introvert a “quick question?” Did you see the immediate fear and shock in their eyes or did they hide it well? (Because it was there either way). It’s one of the things I used to think was wrong with me… I don’t like to be put on the spot. I don’t like spontaneous questions. The more I learned about introverts and about myself, the more I realized I’m not alone. “Why is it a big deal?” (You may ask if you are not introverted). Because we like to be prepared. We like to give accurate, thoughtful answers. We like to research and investigate and plan and prepare our answers. Sometimes we go too far, I know I do. We keep searching for the perfect answer. We like to be experts, knowledgeable and sound intelligent, and we certainly don’t want to be wrong.

I can probably recount some of these “on the spot” quick questions and my fumbling, unintelligent or snappy response. Why? Why would I remember those things? I’m not alone. Several people do this. We replay the conversation over and over and over… thinking of the perfect thing we should have said. On a few occasions, I became aware of my frustration and asked if I could email a response later. On a few occasions also, the person asking didn’t leave. They just sat on my desk and waited for me to give my answers.

Aloof, cool, disinterested, snobby, snappy, uninvolved, alone… common adjectives for introverts. We like to process things internally. We take too long to come up with an answer. We cringe when the phone rings if it’s something that could be communicated with an email. Yet, we will talk for hours to the people we feel safe with … the people who get us. Many of us like animals because they unconditionally love us. (And they never question us) I’ve been in training meetings where they said we need to adapt to the other person’s preference, but what that does is make us very uncomfortable. It makes us want to withdraw and retreat.

I don’t have a solution to this, because I don’t need to fix introverts. If you are one, you are still enough. You are always enough. Even when someone else thinks you don’t fit in, that’s ok. There is nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to conform to the mainstream. I’ve been coached to be something other than me, and I think it’s not necessary. I’m ok as I am. You are too. Introvert or not.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. If someone asks you a quick question, just take a deep breath. You’ll be ok. If you’re the one asking and you get a “deer in the headlights” look, just give them a minute. They just want to give you a good answer.

The right words…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Fall is a time of loss. Trees lose their leaves, the grass stops growing in the upper Midwest and we lose daylight hours. As the mornings turn crisp and frosty, the evenings get dark more quickly, and before we know it, the sun will be going down at 4:30.

This fall has been a time of loss and remembrance for many people also… an anniversary of loss for a friend’s son & nephew, a cousin’s husband, a friend’s stillborn baby, my mother-in-law and many others. Birthdays and anniversaries come and go. A friend recently lost her best friend, leaving behind a husband and two kids. I struggle to find the right words. I’m a “fixer”… I like to make things better. I’m not able to fix the holes in their hearts. I am fortunate enough to have both living parents, spouse, children, siblings and friends. The right thing to say to me might not be comforting to them. Eloquent sentences in my head turn into just “I’m sorry for your loss.” This isn’t like the trees shedding their leaves for the winter. Their person isn’t returning.

I feel a sense of aching for them. I think about all of the “what if’s” and “should have been’s”… wishing I could change the story. It’s not my place and I don’t have the power. I believe we will see our loved ones again, but it doesn’t make it easier when we wish we could hug them or talk to them one more time.

Psalm 23 is a comforting verse to me:

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. 3He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for the sake of His name. 4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,a I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

A friend who I met at a survivor retreat found out she had weeks to live. Over the last month, friends and family from all over have come to visit. What an awesome and amazing outpouring of love. She has outlived their timeline and has had some wonderful company. They aren’t waiting for her funeral or death, they are celebrating every day she is alive. Wow.

I may not have the right words, but I will reach out anyway. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. If you are going through a season of loss and remembering, hold on. I wish I could find the perfect thing to say to comfort you. Just know that you are enough. Your grief journey is uniquely yours. You cannot do it wrong. Honor those you’ve lost, live your life, find peace and joy again.

To be seen…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

How many times do you walk through a store, a mall, a hospital etc and see someone with a name tag? Do you notice them? Do they see you?

Recently, I was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. I drove my parents down for my dad’s test. While he was in the procedure room, my mom and I explored. Mayo is well known across the United States for being one of the best hospitals. The campus is huge… so many buildings, elevators, tunnels and walk ways – it would be easy to get lost. We wandered the “subway” level and looked at some shops. We had gone quite a distance, when we got to a corridor that seemed less busy and active. A lady with a name tag stopped. “Do you need help finding anything?” She was so polite and helpful. While we didn’t need help, she did tell us about a great place to eat and where to go for a good bowl of soup. She saw us. She stopped and talked and listened.

After my dad’s procedure, the doctor came in to visit. He shook our hands and sat down. He explained what they had done, what the next steps would be, and even drew a picture. He made sure our questions were answered and took the time to listen. The nurse joked about the Dr… he gets them behind schedule because he talks so much. But you know what? Yep, he saw us. He saw my dad as a person and not just a procedure. Many times while we were there, we saw people being helped, guided or asked if they needed directions. Random people in the elevator told us to have a great day.

Sometimes we like to stay hidden. I sure do. Many times I like to blend in and not draw attention to myself. I tried to sneak out of church on Wednesday night, but the pastor’s wife saw me and wanted to make sure I knew they’d be praying for our son and his stress test. Even though being seen sometimes makes me uncomfortable, it also makes me feel like someone cares. To be seen is ok. It can be scary sometimes, but it’s ok. Or maybe you’re the person who sees someone else. Maybe you notice the lonely person or the person who seems lost, or the person who needs some prayers.

God sees us, but sometimes it’s hard to realize. I think we need to be his eyes to see others, to help them and to reach out. That might mean we come out of our comfort zone or spend a few extra minutes listening. When we see others, we are doing God’s work. We let someone know they are valuable, important, and worth our time. We get so busy rushing and doing and trying to get to the next thing, we might not see. It can be with our own family – did we stop and listen? Did we really see what our kids or our spouse was trying to show us?

Our journeys aren’t meant to be traveled alone. We need connections and conversations. We need to be seen. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you see and be seen. It may just make someone’s day.

Um, that wasn’t my plan…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” How many times do our plans not work out? How many times are we convinced that we know better, know the answer, know the right path? Sometimes the meaning behind our struggles comes later and we realize what the lesson was. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense.

When we lived in ND, and our youngest was little, my husband took down old barns or old buildings. He made furniture and signs and frames. When we moved to MN, we didn’t have a place for all of the lumber. Some of it didn’t “make the cut” and was burned in the fire pit before we moved. Some of the stuff that we wanted to save was stored at a friend’s place for the last 3 years. We recently moved it home, and had built a shed to store it in. It’s like a tarp building.

The weekend we finished putting it up, it was snowing. We got most of it moved inside the shelter. We thought it should be good. My husband even bought longer anchors to secure it in the ground.

Plans changed. Not our plans. Winds over 60 mph, along with a driving rain hit our area last night. Thankfully, our trees are standing and our chickens are ok. The shed is not ok. Not even a little bit. The cables attached to the stakes snapped. The metal broke and twisted. The tarp has holes. It’s done for. Um, not our plan.

The wind came under and picked it up like a sail. It tossed it back to the trees. It felt like it was mocking all of our hard work. Now what? We aren’t sure yet. It was still too windy this morning to try and move it or disassemble it.

Sometimes we feel like this shed… tossed and broken and torn. We don’t quite know how to put the pieces back together. I encourage you to hold on. Get a pen and paper and write out everything that’s on your mind and everything on your heart (not always the same thing). Rip it up or burn the paper. You do not need to hold onto it. Find a trusted friend to talk to, preferably someone who will just listen. Know that you’re not alone. The social media pictures only tell part of the story. Everyone has a crappy “brain dump” list.

Our plans may not always work out how we envisioned. In fact, many times they don’t. If you haven’t found your groove yet, hold on. If you haven’t found your tribe yet, hold on. If you haven’t found your purpose yet, hold on. Hold on… pain ends. One way or another, the pain will end. The shed will get taken down and maybe pieces will be used for something else. Maybe God will be making diamonds out of your dust.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Regardless of your plans, I hope His plans are bigger and more wonderful than you could have imagined.

Pins & needles…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

“Sitting on pins and needles” is a phrase that dates back to the 19th century. The fact that the saying has been around for 200 years means it’s something super common. We don’t always discuss our “pins & needles” moments. The intensity may vary, but they happen to all of us.

Last week I had my yearly mammogram. Because I am a breast cancer survivor, I have an MRI and alternating 3D mammogram every 6 months. Pins & needles. I feel fine, but is it really still ok? What if they see something I hadn’t noticed. What if a marker (tiny clip they put in where they do biopsies) has changes by it…. what if. I got the results this week, and it was normal. Wheew.

Last week, our oldest son went to the cardiologist for his heart. They did an EKG, we met with the Dr, did an Echo of his heart, and met with the Dr. again. We left there with a 24 hr heart monitor. He wore it as instructed. Then we sent it back to them. Now we wait. Pins and needles. Thoughts race through our minds of what if. We still wait… Up to a week before they have the test results. Mama bear will give them a call on Wednesday. They will likely do a stress test and then figure out the next steps. I wish I could tell kids to be nice and not make fun of him. I wish I could take the pains away.

Wednesday is the same day I go back to Fargo for oncology follow up. Obviously, if my mammogram was fine, this should be a quick visit. It will take longer to drive up there than it will for the appointment. Still some pins and needles. What will he say? Will he release me to Alexandria instead? Will he want me to still come twice a year or will it be only yearly? Then what? I’m approaching 5 yrs from diagnosis. It’s a day I always knew would come, but there has been a lot of pins and needles in between.

I know so many people on different kinds of pins and needles: job changes, pregnancy, relationships, finances, family issues, health concerns…. we all have our own version. The person who seemed “prickly” today may have some pins and needles bothering them. Be kind.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find some peace in your “pins & needles” moments. Be the listening ear or the cheerleader for someone else who is experiencing their own “pins & needles” moments. Life is short, let’s be there for each other.

What’s trying to steal your joy?

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Last week, our oldest son was startled by a noise in the window well. Sometimes a frog or critter will end up stuck down there. This was different. A weasel had gotten in and was on his window. Now, if you’ve read my blogs before, you know that I have chickens. If you’ve watched Looney Tunes, you know that weasels love chickens also… but in a different way.

I love my chickens. They are my pets. They do give me eggs, but mostly, they bring me joy. I love the way they run up to me. I love their clucks and noises. I love learning about what their noises mean. I love hearing stories from my mom about her chickens when she was growing up. I don’t have any mean chickens. They just make me smile… bring me joy.

My husband has run many marathons. I think he was up to 16 full marathons before we moved. For a while, he did two per year… one in May and one in October. As crazy as it sounds, it brought him joy. Much like my chickens bring me joy, running brought him joy.

Our oldest son loves fishing… joy. Our youngest son loves his cat… joy. A friend of mine loves sloths… joy. Another friend loves to clean… joy. Someone else’s “joy” doesn’t need to make sense to you. Whatever brings you JOY, do more of that. Love to paint? Do that. Does nature bring you joy? Go out for a walk. Love to bake? Make something for a college student and mail them a care package. Love books? Volunteer to read to kids.

We get caught up in being busy and think we don’t have time for joy. It should be one of the things we do every day. Every day we should chose joy. Don’t let time or schedules or weasels try to steal your joy away. Sneak it in… even a little bit of something that brings you joy can turn your day around. Our journeys aren’t meant to be boring or difficult or painful. Try to find room for a little joy.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find your “chickens” aka JOY, and don’t let anyone steal it!