This past week, there have been a number of people who passed away. Not anyone directly related to me, but a friend’s wife, another friend’s brother and another friend’s young son. I was somewhat unexposed to death when I was young. Not that it’s a bad thing, it’s just strange to adjust to as I get older. It’s one of those things I know will happen to all of us, but the timing sometimes baffles me. Not everyone gets to live to be 95. 

I consider myself to be a woman of faith. I believe in God and although I don’t make it to church every Sunday, I try to keep God in our lives. A mother having to bury her 10 year old son doesn’t make sense to me. Losing a brother suddenly would be hard to handle. Most any death is difficult. It leaves a hole in our hearts. Even if we believe that their souls go to heaven and they are in a better place, it leaves us empty and aching. We want them to be able to experience things with us still physically, instead of just “in spirit.” 

Sometimes death makes us pause and appreciate life. It makes us hug our loved ones more, let go of regrets or take chances. This week, the death of a friend’s wife from leukemia inspired me to take the family to Valley Fair amusement park. My motto this week was, “life is short, ride the coaster!” So a friend and I planned a quick trip to Minneapolis to spend a long, fun-filled day at the amusement park. It was a beautiful day. We made the most of it. We arrived when the park opened and stayed almost until it closed. We did things that I wouldn’t have considered before. Armed with motion sickness pills, we rode coasters like The Wild Thing, Renegade and High Roller. We spent time in the water park and even rode The Wave at sunset and got DRENCHED! Why? Life is short. I wanted to enjoy these things with my family and our friends. (Oh and Myles and I found 3 pennies and 2 dimes. See previous post about pennies from heaven)

The past 2 years have been a roller coaster of emotions, of life. Lots of ups and downs. Sometimes it takes a wild roller coaster for us to really appreciate the lazy river. I’ve certainly had more ups than downs. I have much to be thankful for. I can’t explain why God took these people from their loved ones this week. I don’t understand why he created mosquitos,tornados or cockroaches either. Some things just aren’t for us to understand. We can just thank God for the blessings we do have, hug our family & support our friends. 

I didn’t ride all the rides, but what I did was enough. Enough to make a lasting impression on my kids and to make a good story. (Myles and I were stopped at the TOP of Renegade coaster because some dude took out his phone to take a selfie. The worker had to walk to the top, tell the guy to put his phone away for the 2nd time before we could take off. Interesting story.) Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Sometimes Facebook “memories” remind you of fun/cool events. Sometimes they remind you of just how fragile life is. July 23, 2014 is a day that forever changed our family. My brother-in-law, Jeff was involved in a freak farm accident. He was trying to put out a small fire on his tractor when it started up again and drove over his back. It broke his pelvis, punctured his lung and broke most of his ribs. One of his sons, Garrett happened to be with him at the time and called 911 and his other brother and sister to come quickly. The ambulance got him to Ellendale and then flew him to Aberdeen, SD. From there, they determined that he needed to go to Hennepin Medical Center because they have one of the best pelvic surgeons in the country.  Time seemed to stand still. We were all beside ourselves waiting, hoping, praying… Would he be OK? Would he walk again? Would he remember what happened?

I drove quickly to get down to Minneapolis to be with them. I waited longer than I should have to leave, but then just got in my car and took off. I picked up some clothes for my sister, Marie since we didn’t know how long he’d be there (and she just left right from work.) I am sure to them, there are vivid images of those days, weeks and months that followed. I remember those first few hours after I got there. We waited and prayed and tried to keep people updated on what was happening. I remember them lightening up his sedation to do a neuro check and seeing the fear and confusion in his eyes. I remember him being taken out of sedation but kept on pain meds & still intubated. He was able to respond well & wanted to write notes to Marie. He asked, “where am I?”, “what day is it?” & “will I be ok for the wedding (his oldest son, Casey had an upcoming wedding)?” He wrote about 4 pages of notes, telling what happened, thanking Garrett for saving him & telling everyone he loves them. We really just handed it all over to God. We knew that there was nothing that we could do and it was all in His hands. He had surgery to put a plate in his pelvis to keep it stable, but that meant no weight on it for several weeks. A week later, he was able to be moved to the hospital in their town to continue recovery.

Caring Bridge entry from July 25th – As I sit here tonight & try to make sure that my amazingly strong sister gets some rest, I’m overwhelmed with the last 2 1/2 days. For those who don’t know me well, I’m Marie’s “baby sister” by 9 yrs. I’ve admired her for many things, her faith, her caring nature, her strong family bonds, her selfless friendship & her relationship/teamwork with Jeff. If you’re reading this, you know of Marie & Jeff .. Whether you’ve known them for a month or a lifetime, you know what a great family they are. They are close to each other, & they are all “givers”. So, it was no surprise to me that moments after people found out about the accident, their friends & family all started praying… & offering help in any way they could. They’ve said so many times, “how do we thank everyone?!” I try to remind them, that the good they’ve always shown to others is coming back around now. They’ve also said how thankful they are to live in such a wonderful community. So from them & from the bottom of their hearts & mine, thank you. Thank you for praying, for calling, for visiting, for caring.

They have felt your prayers. Jeff asks us to read the comments to him from this site. It lifts him up and reminds him how loved he is. He loves to hear from all of you. This family has amazing faith in God. They KNOW that God has been here so many times in the last few days, putting the right people in the right places at the right time. Their Pastor Justin just “happened” to be in Minneapolis this weekend for a wedding. What a blessing to have him visit & pray with the family. Too many things to list, where we knew it could only be the hand of God making things possible.

There is a song by Casting Crowns called “Just Be Held.” It is one that had significance for the whole family as Jeff went through his healing process. As painful as it is to have these memories reappear, it also reminds us to be thankful for each day. It reminds us that we really aren’t in control of it all. Sometimes we have to hand it over to God, and just “be held.”

Just Be Held by Casting Crowns:

Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong. But life hits you out nowhere and barely leaves you holding on.

And when you’re tired of fighting, chained by your control… There’s freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go. 

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away… You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held. Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place. I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held.

That year, we all learned to be held – by God, by friends and by family. Jeff was able to heal and to make it to the wedding. We often called him Super Man since he had a steel plate in him, or “Miracle Man,” because it’s such a miracle that he is here.  Through struggles, our faith can falter or strengthen – it depends on what you are looking for. When you look for the blessings, your faith can be strengthened. When you foucus on the negative, then your faith may falter. May you chose to focus on the positive. May you love deeply & be thankful for today. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

This beautiful sign was given to me by my aunt this past weekend at our family reunion. She had gone to Magnolia Market (from the TV show “Fixer Upper”), and when she saw this, she thought of me. All because of my little blog. 💕

I’m so blessed to be part of a big family. Both of my parents are the oldest of their siblings and are from large families. At holidays when we would get together, there was a LOT of us! I remember going to grandma and grandpa’s and having a house full. There was always lots of food and laughing and card games & very little sleep. My grandparents were married in 1940. Fast forward more than 75 years – 10 kids on my mom’s side who all have significant others, their kids and their kids’ kids & in some cases, their kids’ kids’ kids makes for over 100 people… All because two people fell in love. My grandpa passed away 10 years ago. Myles was a baby & the funeral was the same day as our wedding anniversary. I won’t forget that day, mainly because of all of the kind words people said about him. Some of us thought that losing her soul mate would be too much for grandma. They were always like two kids in love (or at least how I remember them.) They had a twinkle in their eyes, still held hands, and looked out for each other. She lived for many more years, and passed away not long after her 95th birthday. Many of us had gotten together to celebrate her birthday with her. We got the chance to tell her that we loved her in person. Even if she didn’t fully remember who we were – she could feel that she was loved… enough.

We hadn’t had a big family reunion for a few years. When I visited the Coteau des Prairies Lodge last Valentine’s Day for my sister & brother-in-law’s surprise birthday parties, the place took my breath away. It’s a gorgeous, large wooden lodge on the top of a hill, over-looking the prairie below. The first thing I thought of was, “wow, this would make a great place for an Ulmer family reunion!” As luck would have it, they had a coupon for a reduced rate on the rental of the whole lodge – and that’s when I knew that it was meant to be. The wheels were set in motion for a family reunion! We just needed an organizer & I was the gal for the job. Many months of planning, prep and spreadsheets came together last Friday, when more than 70 of us got together for a whole weekend of food, laughter & games. My sister from California even surprised everyone with a quick visit. Although I write this blog about being enough, it’s also called “journey” of enough because I’m still learning. Many times throughout the last few months, I worried about not having enough food or activities or prizes or beds for the weekend. I worried that it wouldn’t live up to the hype and anticipation & I would fall short in some area. But, I was loved enough and supported enough to make it all come together. 

Grandpa would talk about “pennies from heaven.” When my aunt Marsha passed away, we all put pennies by her grave. When grandma & grandpa were both ill, we would find pennies in the hospital or nursing home. We can all tell stories of finding  pennies or dimes (for the 10 kids). I put out a jar at the Lodge this weekend for pennies that were found – there were at least 13… More than what you’d expect to find in a remote lodge. I know they were all watching over us and they were so happy to have us come together. This weekend reminded us that we are all loved enough. Though miles separate us and too much time passes in between our visits, we can still pick up where we left off. We can reconnect & meet some new family members. We drank too much, ate too much and laughed too much… and it was just enough!

Thank you to my family for making it such a memorable weekend! Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

On Saturday, Cameron completed his 13th marathon. It was hot and humid and sunny – not his favorite weather conditions. When he got to mile 16, it was  eeirly quiet he said. It was at that point, with very few spactators, that many runners realized this wasn’t going to be their best day. So, instead of giving up, he kept going and decided to make the best of it. He wasn’t going to have a PR (personal record), but he was going to have some “firsts.” This was the first time he had bacon & watermelon during a marathon. He ran by a frat house and the guys handed him a shot. He thought it was a beer shot, so he thought “why not?!” Instead, it was tequila – ugh. Luckily, he didn’t puke. We saw him at mile 23, drenched from pouring many cups of water over his head to stay cool. We also saw him right before the finish. He stopped to give the boys high 5’s and a smile. 

He has the skill of making people focus on the positive. It’s one of the reasons many people like running with him – he takes their mind off the pain. Think about something else… talk about something funny…whatever it takes to get you through a long run. Except for the actual marathon itself – when it comes to race day, he doesn’t say much at all. What all goes through his head, I’ll never know. I imagine it’s a wide variety of things, assessing the course, the weather and taking cues from his body. He’s said it before, marathons are mainly mental – you have to be able to get your head right to go 26.2 miles. Mental magic tricks – abracadabra!

The day after running the marathon, we went to a bunch of state parks for hikes. All total, it was over 11 miles. On one of the trails, our youngest son slipped on the mud 3 times and fell down. He was muddy and scraped up. Luckily his dad is a magician. He was able to get him to focus on other things instead of his muddy hands and scraped up legs. He let him be our “hiking leader.” Abracadabra – no more pain. Suddenly, we were on an adventure instead of a hike (where we were getting lost in the woods with impending thunderstorms.) Myles made sure that our group was doing ok, he walked with pride and purpose. He was important. 

Similar things happened today, when we also got lost on a trail and ended up going way further than we thought to see some “falls.” He made each of us take turns being the leader. Although he knew that I had “journeyed enough” and was ready to be done, he still tried to make it fun.  I told him he probably married the wrong lady because I don’t really love hiking. When you are that far into the woods and there is nobody else around, you still have to get back, there aren’t many options. We put on another 8.5 miles today. Vacationing with him is exhausting yet fun. 

He’s a magician and I’m thankful to have him in my life. He’s the silly to my serious, the random to my planning & we balance each other out. We celebrated Father’s Day in an unconventional way, but he thought it was great. Despite having just gone 26.2, we’ve put on another 19 miles in 2 days. I hope that you too are able to have some magic skills, to be able to focus on the positive (even when you are covered in muck and lost in the woods.) May you be a magician for someone else, and help them see past their scraped leg or bruised ego. Peace be with you on your journey of enough & may you find the best trail to the most beautiful waterfalls & perhaps a magic wand.

The picture is of Dallas, our oldest, as we dropped him off for 4h fishing camp last week. He wrote a Mother’s Day poem for me last year & I feel it’s worth repeating. It hangs on my wall at work. It’s a reminder to me if the good that exists. It’s a reminder that all of those small things can add up and make an impact. It reminds me that even though life can take us on some detours, hopefully we have some family by our sides to enjoy the journey. Here it is:

“I am from…” by Dallas Frueh

I am from thumb cast fishing poles, from Nike  running shoes & Betty Crocker cake mix. I am from the yellow house on the corner & the backyard that has seen football games, FIFA soccer, and BBQs on hot summer days. I am from the garden that provides corn, peas, beans, squash and sweet potatoes. I am from going to Grandmas for a week every summer and kindness from Cam and Mavis & Myles. I am from laughing out loud everywhere & body humor (farting) everywhere. I am from “learn from your mistakes” & “work before play.” I am from going to Sunday school on Sunday & staying for church. I am from Fargo, Germany, bars & cookies. I am from the time mom survived cancer & the time dad ran his first marathon. I am from the pictures in the hall, bedroom, television set & walls. I am from the love and kindness that you give. Happy Mother’s Day. Love, Dallas

I had tears the first time I read it and goosebumps just writing it here. It’s a reminder to you too – you’re probably not as bad at this parenting thing as you think you are. You never know what will make an impact to your kids. I will never forget my mom shaking up homemade dressing in a mayo jar and singing “La Cucaracha” in our kitchen at the farm. Why? Because it was silly and out of character and we laughed until our stomachs hurt. I don’t know if she remembers it, but I’m quite certain she didn’t “plan it out” to be a memory for me. It was just one of those things that randomly happened. Maybe I needed some cheering up that day, & that was what did it. Maybe it was just a random occurrence – who knows. 

Don’t be afraid to let your guard down and have fun. Be silly & take a break from being an adult every now and then. You will still be enough to your kids & you might be more than you ever imagined! Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Last night, we attended the Rural Cass Relay for Life. It was held at our school, and Cameron (my husband) was on the committee. When they had the event last year, I still had a broken foot and was sore from surgery. We stayed all night though, and it was a moving experience. This year was different but still good. We went from 5-11 and had games, BINGO and a movie. The track was being worked on so we had a different “path” to set up the luminaries. 

If you’ve not been to a Relay event before, they sell luminaries that people dedicate to loved ones, friends, family etc who have gone through cancer. They light them at sunset and it’s a pretty moving event. Last year was my first Relay for Life and I was also considered a survivor. I hadn’t been to one before cancer, so I can’t compare. This year, Myles (our youngest) decorated the luminaries. He did one for me, his grandma, great grandma, 4 great aunts & 3 friends. I knew that I would see them lit up and he’d have to show me the ones he made. When they are glowing, it just takes on a whole new meaning. What I wasn’t prepared for was to see my name written by people I didn’t know. They let the kids at school decorate some because of all of the money they had raised for the  Northern Cass team. As I walked along, looking at the names, I saw “Mrs. Free, Mrs. Freuh and Mavis” on more than just Myles’. It made me teary to know that other kids had thought of me, to write my name down. (Maybe because of my husband or my boys – in support of them also) They wrote my name, the names of 2 staff members who were also survivors, and my neighbor friend (Angie) among others. I’m so thankful that the school let them do this.

Cancer is scary. It’s scary when you are an adult, but it’s super scary when you are a kid and your mom (or anyone close to you) goes through cancer. Whispering about it makes it scarier. Talking openly about it and letting them see people who have survived makes it a little less scary. I’ll never forget when Angie was going through chemo and had lost her hair. She stopped at school during lunch time. Myles said some of the kids at his table were wondering what happened. He matter-of-factly said, “She has breast cancer like my mom, but she has different medicine that makes her lose her hair. It’s ok though. She’s still the same person and her hair will grow back.” And that was it. Just that simple in his mind. And it maybe made it less scary. 

As I saw the names on the luminaries of a teacher who had offered to talk to our boys and answered questions that they had, my heart was full. She didn’t have to offer that to them – 6th grade boys (at the time) might not want to talk about that stuff. They certainly wouldn’t let their moms or aunts know that they were worried. I’m forever thankful for the staff at the school who looked out for our boys that year. I know that they cared for them as if they were their own kids, understanding their fears and helping them through some scary times. They let their light shine.

Sometimes I wish I could shelter my boys from things like cancer, but I know it’s not possible. I also know that it’s not in their best interest. It’s good for them to know that I’m not immortal. It’s good for them to learn to show compassion towards others. It’s good for them to see the good that can come out of something scary. I hope they let their light shine.

Matthew 5:16King James Version (KJV) Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I hope you take the time to let your light shine.

Our oldest son, Dallas had 4h fishing camp this Sunday to Thursday. So, I randomly asked last week, “do you want our family to go early and camp?” This is quite out of the ordinary for me. We’ve camped many times before, but when we went camping, it was planned almost a year in advance, not a week before. We didn’t camp at all last year due to cancer, hysterectomy & broken foot. This would be our first real camping in 2 years. I looked at the ND State Parks web site, and all they had available was a yurt and a tipi. The boys both cheered, “YES!!” Ok, why not? The campground is Cross Ranch State Park, north of Bismarck, ND. 

The yurt was super cool. Even if you don’t love camping, this was pretty neat. It had beds for 6, a table and chairs, lamps, electricity, mini fridge and a heater/stove. The shape reminds me of a grain bin on the outside, and it has a dome sky light at the top. We cooked our meals over the campfire. (Cameron’s favorite way to cook) Saturday morning, we went on a birding hike put on by the park rangers. We decided to go further and venture on the path along the Missouri River. Before we knew it, we were 2 miles away and needed to head back. We had to check out of our yurt and into the tipi.

Yep, a tipi right along the river. At first, the boys were bummed to leave the yurt, but they soon embraced the idea of the (somewhat musty) tipi. They say it sleeps 6, but there were 4 cots- perfect. You have to park & then walk your stuff to the campsite. Because of the raccoons, you shouldn’t leave food there, so we made may trips back and forth. All total between the hiking and the trips to the van, we walked 10 miles on Saturday! We caught 0 fish, but had lots of giggles. 

One thing for sure, we made memories. I have a feeling the boys will remember the time we stayed in the yurt and tipi. They may forget the 100 wood ticks that we got while hiking, but I’m pretty sure they will remember this camping trip. And that’s what I want for them. I want them to learn to cook over a fire, to enjoy nature and to know that you don’t need to spend a lot of money to have fun. I want them to stop and appreciate a sunset. I want them to listen to the birds, notice the wild roses and pay attention to the raccoon & deer tracks. On their journey of enough, I hope they fondly remember things like this & they feel loved.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I hope you take the time to enjoy some of the same things this summer.