Normally, this time of year we have a bunch of mini pumpkins and gourds. This year, we just have this small basket. But it screams fall to me, so I’ll keep these for myself (and perhaps my deer friends who have been eating my hosta.) Our garden took a hit due to the hot, dry summer and my husband working on the front and back steps/patio. I kept up with picking, but not enough watering and weeding. That’s ok. We still had things to bring to the market and have food in the freezer.
I haven’t written for a while, which is a little unusual for me. I’m a pretty regular weekly writer – even if I do lose track of days. I guess I needed a fall pause. I haven’t felt very inspirational, and there are some things going on that are just too personal to share. I’m fine, I just have some background things happening that I needed to focus on.
Sometimes we forget to pause. We rush from one thing to the next. This summer was busy with work, market, gardening, canning and family time. There wasn’t a lot of pausing. Even our trips are packed and full of walking/adventures. I’m grateful to get to go. I just forgot to give myself some grace.
I also forgot that it is ok to be both…
Both busy and needing a break
Both introverted and needing to talk
Both loving family and needing time alone
Both grateful for what you have and craving a change
I often feel like I need permission to pause. Busy is rewarded, yet pausing feels selfish (when I do it). I’m aware that it’s necessary, it’s just not always supported.
So, if you’re in need of a fall pause, here is your permission. Take a break, read a book, have some extra water, go for a walk, meditate, pray or just take a deep breath or two.
Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you take some time to pause. You’re worth it!
It kind of looks like a computer screensaver, but it’s a photo I took at the New England Aquarium on our trip to Boston. The three of us did not press up to the glass like these starfish. I’m pretty sure too many kids had licked on it. Our trip to Boston was fun. We saw a lot of things, walked a lot of miles and needed a bunch of extra socks. The weather was great, aside from two downpours on Friday. We got completely drenched. Twice. I feel like “an experience sponge” as I tried to soak up the sights.
I’ve mentioned it before, but we don’t sit much or have downtime on our vacations. We try to see and do as much as we can. This time, we did all of the things on my list earlier than planned, so I had to quickly find some additional things to do. We walked 7-15 miles each day. We took the “hop on, hop off trolley,” the first day. It was a good way to see the city. They had a night tour, but that was pretty much the same route so it was a bit of a waste (but we did sit down). We saw many of the Freedom Trail stops. Some were interesting and others were quick visits and then on to something else. It was neat to see the USS Constitution. An amazing old ship with beautiful wood and really short ceilings & steep stairs. I imagined how sick I’d be to sleep in a hammock while on the water.
Boston Day 1. Tate bakery, Nero coffee, Trolley tour, freedom trail, USS Constitution, USS Cassin Young, Quincy Market, Bunker Hill, Faneuil Hall, Boston Tea Party tour, 🦞 seafood & “summer night trolley tour” Also drove by Fenway (country concert & lots of people.)
Boston Day 2. Continuation of the Freedom trail, 12-15 miles of walking, several inches of rain, 3 pair of socks each 😂. Went by Paul Revere house and statue, had Mike’s Pastry (thank you to those who recommended that – YUM!), saw the old North Church and Boston market- outdoor and indoor…. All before lunch. Boston Market was cool. Had some good coffee and got some treats for later. Poured rain, luckily we went in the correct door for the Massachusetts State house- the Hooker entrance 😂, it was very pretty inside. I took way more pictures of it than I thought I would. We walked through all of the Boston Public gardens (it’s free), but they didn’t have the swan boats running due to weather. Had lunch in Chinatown, it was very good. “Your cousin from Boston” Samuel Adams tour was 45 min. We took the orange subway there and back. We had beer, of course (not Myles), and also beer cheese pretzel and chips/beer cheese. We went back to Boston Market, went to little Italy/The North Side for a fish festival but it was raining again. Had gelato instead. It cleared up and we walked all along the pier & saw a double rainbow. Finished the day at Legal Seafood.
Boston day 3: New England Aquarium. The center was a large aquarium with lots of varieties of fish and turtles & rays etc. We petted some stingray. We got to see a feeding. Walked back to little Italy (which I guess is not called that – it’s called “The North Side.”) It was an amazing lunch – lobster ravioli was amazing! Then switched hotels so we walked a mile with luggage 😂 New hotel had us on the 13th floor, but we weren’t there long. Since we did the other things more quickly than planned, I added a last minute whale watching trip. I was nervous about the seasick possibility but it was good. 4 hour tour & saw lots of whales. Supper at Quincy Market. The market has a lot of shops and small food vendors. Had to get some clam chowder! (Chowder was great but the San Francisco bread bowls are better). Travel day the last day.
I feel like we did most of what I would have wanted to do. We didn’t see Harvard or Salem due to time and distance. We either walked, took an Uber or Subway instead of renting a car. That was great advice because traffic there is nuts and you have to pay to park everywhere. For now, we can cross Boston off the list and start thinking of where to go next.
Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Returning home meant more pickles and salsa to process, so we won’t be traveling very far for a while. College classes have started for our junior in HS and regular HS classes start Tues. Life goes by quickly. Keep your eyes open.
What do these things have in common? Boston, MA. I mean, there are clouds everywhere, but I’ll be flying in them today. Why Boston? Why not? It’s not super hot or cold and there is plenty to do. Plus, it’s someplace we haven’t been. There is a list of ideas for things to do, places to eat and only one reservation (aside from hotels). The weather looks great and I think our long weekend will be fun. Next week, our youngest son starts classes at the tech school with (junior year) high school classes starting after Labor Day.
With his high school and tech classes, Mama Mia musical practice and working part time, along with his You Tube channel (The Unspecified Show), this seemed like the best time to take a trip. I don’t have the facts, but I’m guessing that most people will not say, “I wish I would not have traveled so much,” looking back at their life. Maybe if they traveled for work and didn’t like it – but recreationally? Yeah, I’m not going to regret these little trips. And I’ll probably share pictures of our trip, because maybe you’ve never been to Boston and you’d like to see it. Maybe you have been, but it’s fun to see it from our point of view.
When we went to NYC, we shared lots of pictures because we packed a ton of stuff into our trip. But one of Cam’s friends said, “It’s fun to see it from a whole new perspective.” They lived in NYC, but hadn’t done some of the “tourist stuff,” and got some ideas of things they wanted to try.
Maybe someday we will take a trip to relax on a beach, but not yet. For now, we will pack our walking shoes and have our cameras ready.
Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re not able to travel in person, travel in your mind with a good book or a Discovery channel documentary.
This week, I had my yearly oncology appointment in Fargo. I took the afternoon off from work and drove up there alone. I have no concerns, so I didn’t really need anyone with me. I already knew my latest MRI was clear, my A1C has been really good, and aside from some extra tummy weight – I’m in pretty good health. I don’t know how many times I’ve walked into the Roger Maris Cancer Center since December 9, 2014. It’s quite a few, that’s for sure. I honestly felt like this would be the last time. I parked my car in the ramp and I paused on the sidewalk. I asked for God to be with me and for my angels to surround and protect me. There is a lot of dense energy in a cancer center. A lot.
I checked in and took my spot in the waiting room. I glanced around the room, noting that I was still one of the youngest people there. I opened up my Colleen Hoover book and didn’t get very far before I heard her call my name. She weighed me in the hallway (which I’m not a fan of), and walked me back to the room. The last several times I’ve been there, I was in room 7. This time, I was in room 9. “Something is different today,” I said to myself with a hopeful grin. I got asked all of the standard questions and she left. My doctor came in shortly after, shook hands and opened my chart. We went through the last scans, talked about my blood sugar levels and general health. He handed me the pink gown for the last time and stepped out of the room. Nothing concerning happened during the exam. The lumpectomy site is still tender, more than 8 years later. I just avoid sleeping on my stomach. Otherwise, things were good.
“I don’t think you need to come back here, unless you have any issues or concerns. Feel free to reach out though if you do.” Music to my ears. If you would have asked me 8 years ago if I would feel comfortable ending my oncologist visits before 10 years was up, I would have said you’re crazy. But today was different. I felt a confidence I didn’t know I had. I felt a sense of relief and gratitude to be able to close this chapter. I shook his hand again and said, “I hope I don’t see you here again. No offense.” No follow up appointment to schedule, no half day to figure out with work and other activities. This was it. I got dressed and walked out of room 9.
I walked out of the cancer center as a man was helping his frail wife. They had used the valet and were waiting for their car. As I walked past them, I hoped that she would one day be able to say good bye to this place too. I walked towards my car and figured I should document the sign. And I took special note of the “exit only” part. Yes, I will be only exiting today. I’m ready to be done. As I sat in my car, tears filled my eyes and I wasn’t really anticipating the emotions I was feeling… relief, gratitude, closure, joy. I texted my family and some friends and told them the good news. A sigh of relief.
Some people don’t like the phrase cancer journey, but I do. I think of it as a journey because there are twists and turns, highs and lows, mountains and valleys. It’s so much better if you’re able to have someone along with you on your journey and to have a great navigator. I feel like cancer took things from me: confidence, physical changes, time with my family, changes in my personality & the loss of some friends. But, it also gave me things: importance of self care, a spiritual community, the ability to ask for help, renewed relationships, and my renewed love of writing. I am so thankful my chapter has ended how it did. I know not everyone has a happy ending, and I’m grateful mine is. I honestly felt like I set down the baggage when I walked out of that building and felt more free.
Will I stop writing about this? Probably not. But I’m in maintenance mode now. It’s different. I’m not sure how to explain the shift, but it certainly has shifted. If you’ve been though this journey with me the whole time, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. Now that this chapter is done, I feel like I can move forward with writing my next book. It will be a healing process and probably difficult to relive some of those memories, but good will come from it.
I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Hug your loved ones, take care of yourself and get your yearly screenings done!
I sat there in my blue hospital gowns and pants, waiting. Listening to their conversation and trying to think positive thoughts. It’s been almost 3 years since I started working from home. I’m aware now that the “office small talk” is something I no longer have. I don’t hear about people’s lives and what’s going on. I don’t hear about weekend plans or what’s happening with office dynamics. I used to have best friends that I worked with, but that was years ago. When I was promoted to be a supervisor, many of those friendships ended… they all changed. It left me guarded, hesitant to open up. Eventually I became friends with coworkers again when I stepped back from managing people. But then I moved. I let go of the comfort of familiar friends and departed into unfamiliar territory.
For some reason, I’m still guarded. I assume it’s a “self preservation” tactic… guarding my heart from potential heart break. It also means I’m missing out. Missing out on connections and deeper friendships. I waiver back and forth between being ok with a small inner circle and feeling like I wish I had a large group of friends to do things with. I do have close friends, but I don’t have that big group… the “let’s go do something all together” type group. I don’t know what is right or better. It’s different for everyone. When one of my closest friends pulled away from me, I went through a grieving process. I felt like a puppy, wondering what I did wrong. I still long for those days when I can text or pick up the phone at any time, but I can’t. It’s different. Our paths diverged and I just wasn’t ready for it. I closed up more, put up another layer of walls, even though I know I shouldn’t. I need to let go of the “should’ve done” and stop reliving what I think I should have done differently.
Things at work have changed a lot over the last 6 months. I still have my job, which is great. I’m not sure where my writing will take me, as it has to be a night and weekend kind of thing. It’s still a constant struggle of feeling good enough. If I spend all this time writing, would anyone buy the book? If I try to write copy part time, will I get enough clients? I’m still learning to let go. I’m still trying to build up the confidence that I know lives deep inside. Maybe because it’s not a “one and done” event… it’s a constant evolution.
Why was I in hospital gowns? Routine MRI. Still makes me pause. Reminds me to be thankful for all of my years cancer free. Gives me 45 minutes with just my thoughts and a really loud MRI machine with an IV in my arm and my chest through a hole in the table. I can’t run from my thoughts or get distracted with a pile of clothes to fold. I’m letting go of fears… acknowledging them but releasing them. They don’t serve me well.
What do you need to let go of? Emotional? Physical things? Expectations? Fears? The past? Give yourself some grace and some space as you work though it. I’ll be there too.
Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You’ve got this, you can do it.
If you know me personally, you may know that I believe in signs. Signs from the universe, signs from God, signs from angels, signs from our passed loved ones… I believe they show up to guide us. We just aren’t always looking.
Cardinals are often associated with signs from loved ones. They also like pine trees. Since we are surrounded by a hundred or so, we see a pair of cardinals every year. This year, they decided to nest right in the tree/bush right by our front window (I’m not sure what it is- it’s either a cedar or an arborvitae). I noticed them flying back and forth and when I looked last week, there were 4 eggs. This week, two have hatched. I like to listen to the momma bird as she chirps and chatters. New baby birds are pretty ugly, but it will be interesting to see these little ones turn into beautiful red birds.
What a blessing to be a host to 4 more “signs” to guide someone else. This week has been busy with work, gardening and track meets. I started three different blog posts and never got around to publishing. Then these little ones started hatching. I took it as a sign that they wanted the attention and to be a vehicle to remind others to look. Look for the signs. When you start paying attention, you will see more than you realize. Every trip we go on, we find pennies or dimes (my grandparents and aunt) and even quarters (my mother-in-law wanted to be unique so we’d know it’s from her). A friend used to see eagles, which were a sign from her husband. She has passed on now too and her friends will see eagles and think of her. Some people find feathers or other animals. One friend gets skunks as a sign (I think I’d request a new one!!)
My point is, be aware. Be looking. What can it hurt? Noticing a sign can give hope, encouragement or help you remember someone you love. Maybe they remind us to slow down. To quote Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you pause to look for signs as we go into the weekend and the new moon. You are enough, and your loved ones and guides are here to cheer you on and help you realize it.
(Side note, our school mascot is also a Cardinal!)
May is a full month! It was difficult to fit all of the things in the basket. These are just a few of the events and things for May. It will go by quickly. Nurse and teacher appreciation weeks hit home for me – I have several of both in my family. These people care for/about and nurture others. They are often taken for granted and tend to put others before themselves. Thank you, nurses and teachers!
May brings us the winding down of the school year, and graduation prep for some. For those moms/parents of graduates, I understand how quickly this month will go. I understand how much you want to soak up these “lasts” with your child. Hang in there. Everyone is looking forward to the nicer weather. We often forget that not everyone is looking forward to summer break. For some, this means food insecurity, lack of a loving/stable/safe home and a lot of uncertainty. I’m fortunate that my summers growing up were spent at the pool or working. I looked forward to the break.
I skipped writing last week due to some personal issues. Since May is also Mental Health month, I’ll share a little of what is going on. I wasn’t doing well last week. My son was struggling and I couldn’t do anything to help/fix it. My work status was in limbo and it was out of my control. I felt sad and frustrated and scared. I wasn’t ready to write about that. We tend to share the shiny /happy moments with others and this wasn’t either of those. This week, I realized that we need to share these “not so shiny” moments also. I’m not alone in my struggles. While I tend to minimize these things in my mind, I listened to a podcast where someone talked about trauma being trauma, regardless of the size of it. That really hit home for me. It’s really what sparked the name of my blog… I felt like my cancer wasn’t bad enough and I frequently felt not good enough. It’s not a competition and it shouldn’t be a comparison. It’s OK to not be OK and this last week, I really wasn’t.
May also has Mother’s Day. I vividly recall a pastor who gave a sermon about Mother’s Day not being a happy day for everyone. I couldn’t understand why when I was young. As I grew older, I realized not everyone has a great mom, not everyone has a mom who is still here, and not everyone who wants to be a mom is able to be. I spent several Mother’s Days in tears… wondering why it wasn’t working for me. Why wasn’t I a mom yet. Since then, I have two wonderful boys who are now young men. I’m grateful and thankful to be their mom. I really am #blessed. For this Mother’s Day, I’ll be missing my oldest son. My other son had me on his podcast, which was cool. It will be coming out soon under the “Be Unspecified” Podcast. One thing I forgot to mention in the interview is how proud I am of him. He has come so far in the last year and I know he will continue to do great things.
So whatever your May brings you, I hope you take some time to take a breath…a deep, cleansing breath. (Hopefully the pollen won’t make you sneeze!) Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You are enough, just as you are.
This photo is from a recent evening, right in my front yard. I heard there would be auroras visible, so we went outside. At first, it just seemed like lighter cloud streaks in the sky. Then I took my phone out to take a picture, and the magic dancing lights appeared. I’ve tried to take pictures of the moon before and those rarely turn out. For some reason, the northern lights like to have their picture taken. The greens and purples showed up on my phone just like I remembered them.
My husband and I started dating the summer after my freshman year in college. I was home for the summer near Fargo, ND and we started dating after a 4-H conference. When fall came, I went back to college in Grand Forks (80 miles north). I was a resident assistant my sophomore year. We continued dating, but that meant quite a few trips back and forth for both of us. Some of those trips back to Grand Forks were pretty late at night. It was common to see the auroras dancing across the sky as I drove back to my dorm. The greens and purples would ebb and flow like waves across the night sky. There was no city lights to get in the way.
The reason why the aurora looked brighter on my phone than in real life recently, is because the human eye cannot see faint colors at night. So last year, when my sister and I were driving all over trying to see them, we might have been able to if we took out our phones. It’s a different perspective. It got me thinking about how sometimes we need to change our perspective in our lives also. Taking a step back and looking at things through a different lens might reveal something beautiful.
Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May your “different perspective” bring you clarity and beauty.
This is our youngest son, Myles, as he prepared for his live show last Saturday. He started his YouTube show, “The Unspecified Show,” about a year ago. He wanted to do a live show with an audience for the one year anniversary. Of course he has help with some logistics, but he organized most of it on his own. My 16 year old son put on a comedy/variety show for around 120 people.
He wrote the jokes, planned the games, found the trivia, got the cast/crew he needed, promoted the event, ordered merchandise and more. To say I’m proud is an understatement. The show flowed smoothly. He even did a live call to wish his grandma a happy birthday. He modified “My Way,” and sang a finale song. He was hoping for a larger audience, but those who showed up had a good time. Some people in the audience were loud towards the end of the show, but kept his composure.
Some day he will look back at this event and say, “Remember when I did a live show?” He has big dreams. (I certainly wasn’t following my dreams at 16 years old.) Will he be the next Fallon? Who knows, but it’s not impossible. We are going to NYC soon, and hope to get in the audience of a few late shows. It will be neat to see how they run. We also will take in some Broadway shows and try to be on the Today show plaza (with Unspecified Show gear on!)
I’m thankful for the people who have encouraged and believed in him. I’m thankful to the people who helped with the show – before/during/after. I’m thankful for the people who watch the YouTube shows or listen to the podcasts. Having someone (other than mom) believe in you is powerful. I’ve had many people tell me that he will do great things. I agree. He already has, and that’s just the start.
Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Never underestimate the power of believing in someone. Never underestimate what kids can do. Check out his YouTube channel “The Unspecified Show,” and the podcast on Spotify, “Be Unspecified” podcast. His YouTube channel has a replay of his live show. Enjoy!
Meet Penny. Our oldest son is home from Montana for a few days, and Penny came with. Since he is fishing with his buddy/buddies and dad, I’m dog-sitting. I’m not sure how to say “no” to actual puppy dog eyes.
I grew up on a farm on the edge of a small town. (Like literally on the edge – town was on one side of the road, and our farm was on the other). We had a few cattle and sheep, lots of “barn cats,” and one dog. He was a black and white Border Collie who was supposed to help with working livestock. We even took him to obedience school. Despite his breed and training, we had to put the dog away when we worked livestock. He was not helpful. He was a pet, but he didn’t spend time inside. This is my first experience with a dog in the house.
You may also know that we have a cat. The cat, Toothless, and the dog, Penny are not friends. If we keep them in separate areas, they are kind of ok. Until the cat forgets he’s not alone and starts meowing at the door, then the dog is on full alert. They think the other one’s food is much better and they are both used to being the only (& most important) pet.
Cat hiding under the tractor in the garage
So, Penny hung out with me today. She alerted me to the squirrels, the birds and the deer that were surely invading our yard. She cleaned up any crumbs on my kitchen floor, and she played a mean game of tug-of-war. Aside from working and making meals and treats for the guys, I made some homemade dog treats for Penny also. She approved.
It’s been a few years since I had little toddler eyes looking at me for treats. For a few days, I’ll have actual puppy dog eyes asking for treats. And in grandma fashion, I’ll probably say yes.
Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I’d better go work on my arm strength for more tug-of-war with the doggo.
journeyofenough 