Tag: #writing

Fight or Flight

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I’m not taking up boxing or flying anywhere soon. “Fight or Flight” has been what I’ve been feeling like internally for a while. The same thing happened last year, when early morning & late night meetings led to burn out and exhausted anxiety. Here we are again. Given the state of things, I am super happy to have a job & thankful to still be remote. The one down side is not having a set time to leave for the day. 6:15am meetings & again at 7:30 pm makes for a long day. Several counterparts are in Asia, so we need to accommodate the different time zones.

I’m in the “I wish my racing brain had a pause button” phase again. Waking up with an instant to do list in my head, things to follow up on, wondering what the day will bring isn’t healthy. I’m aware of it, and trying to remember to pause and breathe deeply. I continually feel like I’m letting people down. Since it’s nearing the year end review time at work, it’s a good chance to focus on the good things this year. Maybe gratitude & good things should be added to my daily list. I need to shift the focus.

As we near the holiday seasons, you’ll see lots of cute family photos or trips or presents. Just know that behind those photos is likely someone burned out, just trying to hang on. Also, if you ask them how they are doing, you’ll probably get an answer of “fine” or maybe the slightly more accurate answer of “busy.”

We all see things differently. I wish I knew more about neurodiversity previously. When watching an Iron Man sequence in a movie, I realized people visualize (in their mind) differently also. In the movie, Iron Man moves 3d images around using his hands. One of my boys had a lightbulb moment and said, “that’s what it’s like.” I was confused because this was a movie and it must be made up, right? Nope. All 3 of them can see things in their mind in 3d – move it around and see it from different angles. So, you never know what’s going on in someone’s mind… are they making mental list, is there a song on repeat or is there a 3d image being moved around?

Fight or flight mode isn’t something you can see most of the time. It may be like the duck feet paddling under water. Sure, there are times when people actually fight or flee, but often times it’s not something visible. People keep going about their day, Ground Hogs Day style until the song changes. Someday I will have great advice of a trick/method/magic that worked wonders. I’m not there yet.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You’re not alone, whether you’re in fight or flight mode or smooth sailing, keep going.

Circle back around…

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I was scrolling through my phone at lunch and found someone talking about ADHD traits and one of them had to do with “closed loop.” (Pasha Marlowe) Summary is that people with ADHD need to close the loop on a conversation because having it open just means they will keep thinking about it. This got me thinking about the hundreds of half conversations or thoughts in my head. I imagined them looking like colorful half loops – almost a spaghetti diagram (work/manufacturing related)… so that’s what I made. The above picture is just a fraction of what was running through my mind at the time. I did not include work related things, so this is just the “non work” side of my brain. Just a part of it. It’s pretty and exhausting and incomplete.

I found every color of pen I had and started making half loops of current thoughts. “What are you doing?,” my husband asked. I kept going until I used every color once, then I decided I could use it more than once because I wasn’t nearly done and it was looking neat. I look the paper outside and set it in the grass. I needed to actually touch grass today. I needed to ground myself because my head was spinning like the picture and the work diagram would have been even larger, had I written that one out.

“Circle back around” is a phrase used especially in corporate America and has become kind of a joke or cliche. When Pasha was talking about how ADHD people need to close those loops, I had an “Ah ha” moment. Yep, that’s me. I want to be able to check the box, cross the thing off the list or put the issue to rest, and if there is a lingering open loop that won’t happen.

I am not a medical professional, doctor or therapist, but I’ve found it interesting to learn more about ADHD in women and how high-functioning women often go undiagnosed. They mask their true selves so much that they don’t even really know who they are. They become a different person for every situation. They read the energy of the room and adjust accordingly. Sometimes they can misjudge and if they get it wrong they will dwell on that mistake for a while.

Growing up, ADHD was something only hyper boys had. There isn’t more ADHD/Autism because of external factors, but because we are understanding more about it (my opinion). It makes me sad that there is a push to stigmatize it again and also to reduce the research and education associated with it. I’m scared to get tested but I also probably know the answer.

I don’t have a solution. Just be patient with me if I ask questions or need to circle back around. I may get to a point where I just need to be quiet and not talk, or I may just spill all the things at once. Until then, I’ll be on my colorful looping spaghetti diagrams, feeling like I’m on the “sit & spin” and hoping for a pause.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Cookies & fresh starts…

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I looked back at my published posts, and I haven’t written since August. I have drafts, but never published. I have things started, but lacked the confidence. Where do I begin? What do I explain? It’s been so long.

But as I was walking to the mailbox in the rain, a whole series of paragraphs flooded my mind. And, I decided it was time. Ready or not.

I made cookies for my husband’s birthday. I’ve made cakes or lemon bars in the past, but raisin cookies are his favorite. The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg filled the house and I started thinking about cookies, and how they mean something different to me than they do to most people.

Most people probably don’t think much about them. But when I think about cookies, I have a mix of emotions & memories. I remember baking cookies with my mom. I remember the special mixing fork she used (never a stand/hand mixer), the homemade frosting for sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and without, tiny gingersnaps and the people we shared them with. I remember all of the times my boys stood on a chair with their tiny aprons, helping to mix cookies, sneaking a bite of dough, dumping a whole container of sprinkles, decorating sugar cookies and saving some chocolate chips off to the side.

Cookies bring me joy. They are like a hug in the form of a treat. I’d bake when I was frustrated, as a way to calm down. I’d bake to bring treats for the kids or to a friend. As the years passed, the boys learned to bake on their own too. Last year, Myles made almost all of the treats for the Farmer’s Market. Dallas has made brownies and pies, much to the surprise of his roommates.

Cookies also bring me guilt & shame. As a T2 diabetic, I know I shouldn’t be eating them. The lower sugar or artificial sugar ones just don’t taste the same. I think I’ve only made cookies once since Christmas, so I cannot blame them on my weight. And my blood sugar has stayed remarkably “in range” despite the added pounds. I’m not exactly sure how to get past the guilt part. It’s a work in progress. Maybe I just need to focus on the joy that they bring to me and to others.

My fresh start is to get back to writing. Even for a brief while… if nothing else, just for me. It’s not something that will bring me fame or fortune, just peace. And I will probably have a cookie with my coffee.

OOO…

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I’m going to attempt to be “OOO” = Out Of Office this weekend for the long weekend. Work has been crazy ever since I started my new job. Although it may seem like I’ve been on several adventures, work stress never leaves and I’m often online early mornings or later evenings. I’ve been in “fight or flight” mode since April. I’m pretty sure my cortisol levels are not healthy.

I really can’t believe that it’s the end of August. Our youngest started school on Monday at the Technical College, but it’s also his senior year in high school. We recently took a trip to MT to see our other son. We had a great time and quite a few unique experiences. This month has been filled with work, travel, canning, family surgery, more canning and more work. August will end with a trip to Seattle… without my computer!

Why Seattle? Why not?! We have not been there before, August is the least rainy month in Seattle, and if I don’t force myself to leave work behind, I might snap. We will do a quick 2 full days of tourist things and then fly back. Driving there is not on my bucket list and we are under time constraints. I have my notebook of ideas (no spreadsheets this time, uncle Brian), some suggestions from friends and the advice of strangers in a “Seattle tourism” Facebook group. Will I still worry about work? Probably. But I will not be checking emails or capacity charts or batch numbers for almost 4 days.

Life is short. You’ve seen the stories & heard about people who wait for retirement before they have their adventures only to get them cut short by health issues or other things. I’m not waiting. I’m having experiences while I can. I’m grabbing those 4 day weekends, skipping a farmers market or two and seeing something new. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. I don’t currently have the mental capacity to work on my Copywriting dream or write my next book. I’m just trying to hang on. I’ve lost friends, had strained relationships and have not been kind to myself in the last few years. I’m not the same. I’ve shifted timelines but I don’t think I am done shifting yet. I feel like there is more. There is more to life than work and there are more changes to come.

Even though I haven’t written much in the last few months, life sure has been going at full speed. Tonight we did 32 jars of hot salsa and 35 jars of pickles (& I had an hour conference call). Sometime before Friday at noon, I’ll throw some things in a suitcase and call it good. If I forget something, Seattle has stores. For almost 4 days, I will be OOO. I’ll report back if you’d like to hear about it. Travel blogger is on my someday/wish list. I just don’t think people vacation hard like we do. We try to cram as much in as we can. Maybe there is a market for it though?? We’ll see.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. And yes, our journey will include coffee from the original Starbucks (even though we prefer our local coffee shop with my favorite barista).

WAIT Mode…

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It’s August 1st, yet I feel like August is already over. The jam packed “last month of summer” has my head spinning. Although I no longer need to worry about summer camps, there are still a lot of things packed into August. Our garden is in full swing, we are trying to process pickles and keep our tomatoes/onions/peppers growing for salsa, there are acting classes, bowling tournaments, trips to see family, trips with family, a comedy show and an anniversary, among many other things.

I’ve been trying to learn more about ADHD, and as I do, several of the things listed ring a bell. I never thought of myself as having ADHD. I had good grades in school, active in a lot of things, but not hyperactive. It was never considered. This is pretty common for women. Something that really resonated was the idea of “wait mode.” Wait mode is when your mind is overly focused on an upcoming event. You have a hard time accomplishing anything else because you are waiting for the other thing. Like if there is an appointment later in the day, your whole day is shot because you’re thinking about that appointment, backtracking time as to when you need to leave. How early should you be there?, What if there is traffic? What do you need to get done before the appointment? What about after? (And 100 other things). It’s common with people who have ADHD, or anxiety & depression.

So, in my head, August is almost over. On the first day. It’s like an appointment, but in the form of a month. Will I be productive in August? Probably, but I will also be thinking about these multiple events along with the timing and coordination of each. Which things overlap? What other arrangements have not been made yet? How will I manage working remotely and at different times while I’m gone? Throw in some “worst case scenario” thoughts, and it gets to be a lot. My brain needs a pause button. I’ve tried very hard not to lose myself in drinking etc, but I still grab a snack when I’m extra stressed out. Being fluffier than I’d like causes me to feel shame and talk negatively… it’s a whole loop. Growing up as Gen X, there was a lot of body shaming. That all stuck in my head. While I did not have an eating disorder, I certainly have a tricky relationship with food.

Anyway, that’s the squirrel brain tangent (just a snippet). So for August, my challenge to myself is to write it out, but be present. I have some boundary work to do also. I’m going to try to reduce the amount of “wait mode” in August. (Notice I said I wasn’t going to get rid of it, because I don’t think changing my entire personality in a month is a realistic goal.) Maybe I just need a daily reminder of what day it is today, without jumping ahead too far. Today is August 1st, and I will try to plan for today (after I write out the whole month because I am a planner by profession and it is just my nature.)

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re in wait mode also, maybe we can wait together and have some coffee.

Patience & pickles…

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Last year, we made a ton of pickles. For some reason I didn’t write down how many pints jars we made, but it was a lot. Like probably 150-200 jars. We have 4 left. We sold most of them, gifted several and ate some ourselves. Family function? I’ll bring the pickles.

The baby dill pickles are a favorite. Do you know how many tiny cucumbers it takes to make baby dills? A lot. Our cucumbers just started producing and we made our first dozen jars for the season. Pickles take patience. The seeds need to be planted, watered & weeded. The cucumber plants need to have enough sun, enough heat, and few bugs/pests. You may need to train them on a fence or trellis. Then you need to pick them just at the right time. They need to be washed and trimmed and cut. Then after the jars are washed, garlic, cucumbers and dill are added. The hot brine is poured over and the jars are water bathed. Then they need to be covered while they cool so that they seal. They need to be labeled on top and the side and boxed up for the market. Patience. It doesn’t take long to eat a jar of pickles, but it takes a long time to make a jar.

We often want instant gratification. We don’t like to wait. We are impatient if our computer is slow. People are impatient at the market (not wanting to wait in line.) It’s difficult to be patient. It’s often hard to be patient with ourselves. It takes a while to change. I’m guilty of this myself. I want to be good at my job now. I want to lose weight now. We try to rush from one thing to the next without fully experiencing the growth part. if we rush to pick, we may miss one hiding behind a leaf. They may grow into the fence or need to be guided and moved.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Enjoy the pickles, but understand they took months to make. Don’t rush past the growth phase.

You might know one of the six…

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We were married 7 years before we had kids. That wasn’t the original plan. I didn’t find out I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) until a few years after things didn’t just “happen on their own.” At the time, I didn’t know anything about it. I didn’t know the percentage of people who struggle with infertility (one in 6). It wasn’t discussed in our conservative Midwest communities. When people asked, “When are you going to have kids?,” or “Why haven’t you started a family yet?,” we would deflect or make a joke. Instead of crying in the bathroom over their hurtful questions, I wish I would have told them my story. I should have talked about it more. Maybe people would realize how common it is, and how many people are impacted by potential reproductive legislation.

We wanted kids. We wanted a family. We needed a fertility specialist to make that happen. So when I hear of legislation restricting IVF or other fertility treatments, my heart sinks. Those people who already feel disappointed or hopeless may have fewer options. You’re entitled to your beliefs, but keep in mind that legislation may impact someone you love/care about, you just don’t know their story.

Mother’s Day, baptisms and other people’s pregnancies sparked tears, sadness and longing… for several years. I felt alone, depressed and discouraged. There wasn’t a support group, a Facebook group or blog posts discussing infertility. The injections/shots, medications and procedures were not covered by our insurance. Each time before we did get pregnant, it was going to be “the last round.” The financial, emotional and physical toll was just too much. I do not regret it at all.

My sharps container for fertility shots was replaced with one for gestational diabetes, which was replaced with one for type 2 diabetes 16 yrs later. Still no regrets. My cancer may have been caused by birth control, but that medication also made things slightly easier each month. Maybe we just need to change the name to “hormone management.” The cancer may have been caused by fertility treatments and increased hormone levels, yet I have 2 wonderful sons as a result. The cancer may have been caused by microwaved food, microplastics, environmental issues, some genetic marker that didn’t show up, extra weight, not taking care of myself…. and on and on and on. I won’t ever know.

I try to stay away from politics and opinions, but this one hits pretty close to home. Given the upcoming elections, I thought it was important to share my story in a little more detail. I probably won’t change your mind, but maybe I’ll make you think a little. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. We could all use a little extra peace at the moment. Please be kind to one another.

I blinked again…

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Myles with Miles Axlerod cake (age 6)
Car show (18)

Our youngest son, Myles recently turned 18. The picture of him with the “Miles cake” from the Cars movie makes me smile. That grin is the best! This time for his birthday, we did some shopping (for suits of course), went to a casino, stopped at MN largest candy store and went to a car show. He starts his senior year in high school soon. Time is flying by. The next year will be filled with nostalgia, grad planning and senior year moments. It won’t be a “typical” senior year since most of his classes will be at the Technical College. He has a world full of options, more skills and talent that he realizes, and a smile that can brighten anyone’s day.

He’s embarking on a road trip soon with a fellow You Tube buddy. Am I nervous about them traveling alone? A little, but I’m more excited for them than anything. I hope that he’s picked up some tips from our previous trips. I hope he listens to his gut, keeps his phone charged and is aware of his surroundings. But mostly, I hope they have fun. I hope they create some core memories & have some amazing videos! They will learn through experience and have some great stories to tell.

I’m certainly not a parenting expert. I’ve made my share of mistakes and have some regrets. I’m thankful for the time spent together and memories made. Roots & wings, right? Boundaries, a safe space and the freedom to experience life. It must be a shocking transition to go from having too many rules to be an independent adult after graduation. I hope I’ve given them a balance.

I blinked again and he’s 18. He works at the coffee shop, has a YouTube channel (The Unspecified Show) & a podcast (Be Unspecified Podcast). He does not know what he wants to do after high school, and that’s ok. Honestly, he should just make something up. It’s really just a conversation starter – it’s not like people follow up with you later to see if you’ve done what you said. Nobody ever asked me if I was a physical therapist (original major in college). Even my degree isn’t related to what I do now.

Anyway, I hope they have a wonderful week long adventure. I can’t wait to hear about it. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re not able to go on an adventure of your own, check out their videos in a couple of weeks.

Is the grass greener?

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“The grass is always greener on the other side.” Or is it? The local deer aren’t a big fan of the grass in our yard but they do love the hosta! See that one big green leaf in the front? It should all look like that – but instead it is a snack for the deer. We’ve tried to deter them with Irish Spring, hair clippings, cayenne pepper & almost every other home remedy or wives’ tale. Nothing works. They are determined to have the treat. It must be delicious, but I’ll take their word for it.

Why don’t they eat dandelions, clover or those other annoying weeds in my plantings? Could be the same reason I’d rather have a cookie than kale. That would be cool though, if I could teach them to like those pesky weeds instead of my plants. Maybe the deer are just reminding me that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. A new job has me testing my limits. Even though it’s similar, I feel like I’ve been on a very fast roller coaster for the last 1.5 months. Kind of like Space Mountain, twisting and turning in the dark. My self care has been a challenge, hence the lack of writing. I also have to make time to take a lunch break and get up and walk around. While I learn a bunch of new things and get up to speed at work, I have to remember boundaries & breathing. Saying no, not right now is a challenge.

I struggle with the balance between “positive vibes” and “feeling the feels.” If I try to tell myself things are going great, a very large internal voice says (lots of swear words) & “THAT’S NOT TRUE!” So there is a balance between acknowledging that I feel like things are not OK, and not wanting to manifest things “not being ok.” The expectations I have on myself for how quickly I can get up to speed at my new job are completely unrealistic. If someone else told me they expect to remember all of the things, know the new terms, new team members, new countries, etc. all in less than 2 months, I would tell them they are nuts. Yet for some reason I expect myself to, and continually feel “not enough” in soooo many ways. I’m in another season of life where I’d like to be able to put my mind on pause. And/or escape for a while.

I’m an emotional eater. Maybe the deer are also. Maybe they are stressed out by coyotes and bears- so they munch on hosta and eat my bird food. I’m trying to find better things to snack on, but I’m also trying to pick my battles and frankly, sometimes the potato chips win. I get so consumed with the “right way” to handle things, that I forget my unique personality. Right for someone else isn’t always right for me.

I don’t have any great advice. I don’t have any wonderful examples of work/life balance or balance in general. I’m just here to tell you that it’s ok to not be ok. Just don’t give up. Also if you ask me how I am, I will probably tell you I’m fine. I’m not fine, but I’m not giving up. I will still show up for everyone else, and I will preserve as much of my sense of self that I can. I will try to find one good thing each day and little by little, those “good things” will become “great things” and they will multiply.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re barely hanging on, keep going. You can do it. We both can.

Unconditional

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It’s graduation season, and while I have one more year until my last graduation, I will soon have an 18 year old. For 18 years, we try to control what goes on for our kids. Part of it is due to wanting to keep them safe & healthy. Part of it is trying to steer them in the “right” direction or at least away from harm. Once they graduate, they are often on their own, testing the boundaries themselves. Often times, the kids who had the most controlling parents are the ones who go wild in college. They don’t know how to handle the freedom and autonomy & they try to make up for things they missed in high school.

I was the most wild of the three girls, but I never smoked and was never arrested. I think the only vehicle accident I was in involved a deer. My boys have already both been in car accidents, for various reasons. Accidents happen. We can’t prepare for everything. Our oldest has had his fair share of near death experiences, but hadn’t broken any bones. The youngest broke his leg skiing, but was thankfully ok otherwise. Unconditional love means they will call you when they are in crisis, knowing that you won’t yell but will help them navigate the next steps.

We aren’t perfect parents. What we do though, is love our kids unconditionally. I hope they always know that. I hope they know they are always loved and welcomed regardless of the twists and turns their lives take. (I know there are cases where it is necessary to cut ties due to safety reasons, but hopefully that won’t happen with them.) Many parents kick their kids out at 18 and don’t want them to come back. While I know that they need to learn things on their own, I also know that college, housing and other expenses are way more than when I was 18.

They will likely take very different paths, and that’s ok. They are unique individuals, not carbon copies of us (although some characteristics are unmistakable.) It’s exciting to see where life will take them. I’m happy for the graduates this year and I’m looking forward to next year. Having a senior again will bring another roller coaster of emotions. One thing will remain constant… unconditional love.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you experience unconditional love in your lifetime, either as the giver, recipient or both.