Tag: #thankfulness

Where is your JOY hiding?

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I found this “Joy” at Target, which seems appropriate, since the store tends to bring me joy. Hang with me for a minute while I give you the background on Joy…

At the retreat I attended in Duluth, we played hide & seek. This seemed silly at the time, but we paired up (just like when you were a kid)… one person hid while the other was the seeker. Jodie Harvala, our retreat leader said, “If you feel like you are supposed to hide in the middle of the room, that’s ok.” And that’s what one person did – stood in the room with her arms wide open. (I think she was the first one found.) I recall mumbling to myself, “why couldn’t mine have been that easy!” I looked around the big meeting room but didn’t see my partner. I checked the bathroom and sauna but she wasn’t there. I went down to the bunk bed area where we were camping out, but she wasn’t there either. Back upstairs I went, feeling like a failure. “I stink at this, I must have no intuition….” This time I said it out loud. Jodie heard me and said, “Did you try asking where she is? Is she sending you signs?” I walked directly back downstairs and found her right away! She was hiding behind the coats, in the small/kids section. (She’s probably 6-8″ taller than me). When it was my turn to hide, I hid in the hall closet with the vacuum in the dark. Even though she was pretty sure I was in there, she still jumped when she found me.

We all laughed and got back together as a group. Then Jodie said something that was amazing to me. “The person hiding represents your JOY. What was your reaction? Where did you find it?” Wow. While I was looking for my joy, I found someone else’s joy and it scared me. I didn’t trust my intuition and doubted I’d find it. There it was, with the kids coats. Hearing that made my eyes a little misty… my kids are my joy. One person’s joy was right in front of her, waiting to be found. What started out as an intuition exercise turned into so much more and yet none of us had the same experience.

I purchased this joy as a reminder to me of that weekend and the experience. This time of year, we see lots of JOY signs – the kind in the picture and the other signs of joy that aren’t physical, but felt. I hope you will be on the lookout for joy. It might be in the cupcakes you deliver to your neighbor, the stranger’s coffee you purchase, the friendly cashier or server, the songs of children or the purr of a cat. If we slow down & really listen, maybe we can find it more easily. Or maybe it wasn’t hiding at all – it was standing in the room, arms wide open, just waiting for you to open your eyes.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough this holiday season. I truly hope you find your Joy!

Thanks & giving…

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This past Thursday, we spent Thanksgiving with extended family & friends. 2 large meals and a whole table of pies and desserts made for some stuffed guests, not just stuffed turkey. Friday morning at 3:30am, our alarm rang. We threw some clothes on & hopped in the car. This year, our boys came with us for Black Friday shopping. Their eyes were wide yet sleepy while hundreds of people streamed into Fleet Farm on a chilly North Dakota morning. Some were just there for the free stuffed sloth. We made a couple more stops and didn’t have to wait in line too long. The reward? Some kid-approved Christmas gifts & Sandy’s donuts (one of the best donut shops around). We have lots to give thanks for.

We stayed in West Fargo with our friends. Our plans were to do our Christmas baking on Saturday. Since Black Friday shopping went smoothly, we started baking a few things early. Our annual baking day turned into baking days – plural. Most of our recipes were doubled or x6! A neighbor & her mom came over to join in the fun. From Friday afternoon through Saturday at 9pm, we went through more than 25lbs of sugar and flour, over 120 eggs. My husband packaged all of the treats into 3 separate tables of containers. Her husband did dishes for hours. We mixed, measured, scooped, baked, dipped and rolled until we smelled like sugar. Our aprons, the counters and the floors were covered in sugar & flour. Good thing my friend loves to sweep! Many of these goodies will be gifts. Some will be for piano open houses, some for bus drivers, teachers, neighbors and co-workers. Family gatherings and pot-luck events and a Relay for Life fundraiser will all benefit from our baking day. Our joy is in giving it away! (Of course some will be snacks at home too)

You know the saying that anything “baked with love” tastes better? I think that’s why people love our treats. They aren’t anything strange or necessarily special- but they are baked with love. While Christmas music plays in the background, we bake our treats and visit. There may have been a glass or two of wine included, but not too much – we need to make sure the measurements are accurate! We can’t exactly remember when it started, but it’s been about 9-10 yrs that we have baked together. I think we only missed the year we moved. Each year, one of us packs up half the kitchen and comes with recipes and “raw materials” to bake several dozen treats. I think we made 25 different kinds of treats this year, but we’ve been told to scale back next year, our our packaging department might protest.

Whatever your holiday traditions are, I hope they involve both thanks AND giving. Peace be with you on your journey of enough & may you enjoy a holiday treat or spend some time laughing and visiting with those you love.

Not just another angel…

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Do you collect anything? I’m not sure if people still do that. One of our sons collects fishing gear but that’s not what I’m referring to. When I was young, I remember my mom’s spoon collection. Decorative spoons from places we visited were displayed in a case. She also collected angels. We would try to find unique or meaningful angels. One of my favorite ornaments (aside from ones my kids made) is an angel from her that says “I made a wish and you came true.” My maternal grandmother crocheted an angel tree topper and it sits on top of our tree every Christmas. She lived to be 95 and it’s a great reminder each year.

I went to Israel when I was in high school. We saw a bunch of camels there, and I brought some camel figurines home as a memento. Since the only camels in North Dakota live in zoos, they were fascinating to me. Shortly after that trip, I started collecting camels. I got tired of dusting them and scaled them down, especially during our moves.

My mother-in-law used to collect bells and angels. I’m not sure of the story behind the bells. My husband thought it might be related to the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.” She had a variety of angel figurines too. I’m not sure which ones were the most meaningful to her. I didn’t get a chance to ask. She passed away in September, just shy of her 71st birthday. She had stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She first had breast cancer shortly after we were married. It returned last year. When people remember her, it’s often for the way she spoke her mind. It’s also for how strong & tough she was. My husband and I started dating in 1993, so I knew her for 25 years. We are probably more similar than I’ll admit out loud. We both love my husband & my boys, we both had breast cancer, we both speak our minds and we are both tough/strong women. This angel will be given to my father-in-law to place at her gravesite until a headstone is ready. It was hand made by a guy in Fargo,ND – Eli Harvala. It’s not “just another angel.” It’s one that will rust & tarnish with time, a reminder that none of us are perfect. We start out as babies, all shiny and new, and the storms of life alter our appearance. The comforting thing, to me, is that her spirit will live on – free from pain, free from worry. Her spirit is shiny and new.

If you are new to my blog, I frequently end with, “peace be with you on your journey of enough.” To me, peace is an amazing feeling… one I know my mother-in-law is experiencing now, but one we can experience on earth too.

Robbie’s Hope

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I believe in God. I always have. There are some things I would like to ask him about though. The list is long, but here are a few:

1. Why do we have extra body parts that we can live without (appendix, gallbladder etc)?

2. Why can’t we turn on and off our ability to have kids?

3. What on earth do I need hair on the top of my nose for?!

One of my biggest questions is:

4. Why do we lose loved ones too soon?

There has been a lot of deaths lately. A couple of weeks ago, a friend I grew up with in 4-H posted a link on Facebook. Her nephew had passed away. He was 15. (The same age as my oldest son.) Everyone loved him. He was an active kid, outgoing, smiled a lot. But he was silently struggling with depression. Behind that smile, he was not OK. He died by suicide while his parents were at teacher conferences hearing about how great he was. Instead of taking him to swimming, they had to plan a funeral. They had to figure out what his wishes were. They could have easily lost themselves in grief. (I tend to think that’s what I would do.) Instead, they were called to action.

They started “Robbie’s Hope” with the intention of bringing more awareness to teen depression & suicide. They later learned of the acronym for HOPE: Hold On, Pain Ends. Their GoFundMe page has raised over $75,000 to help get awareness and prevention programs started in Colorado.

gofundme.com/robbieshope

Even more amazing – all of the conversations it has sparked. I’ve talked to both of my boys about this. I’m sure many others have also had conversations they didn’t think they would have with their kids. If you haven’t had that conversation yet, do it NOW. Please let them know to talk to parents, coaches, school counselors, teachers, pastors, relatives… anyone who will listen. Robbie’s parents thought he was OK.

“It’s ok to not be ok. It’s not ok not to tell anyone.” This is a message that his family wants to be sure you hear. “Not ok” is normal. The photo shopped and Instagram perfect looking people have issues too. Talk to someone & get some help. Suicide is not the answer. There are many people who love you.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&v=9kipGOGRT4g

After showing him the news story on Robbie, my oldest son said, “It’s true. I’m sure there are a lot of people struggling. Mom, guys are the worst. Nobody wants to talk about feelings.” If that’s true, how do we change it? How do we make it ok for guys to open up? How do we encourage them to support each other? They are constantly bombarded with not being enough. Not a nice enough truck, not a big enough deer, not a fancy enough boat, not smart enough… and he’s 15. It’s a completely different scenario from when I was 15. Instead of someone talking bad about you on Instagram, they stuck a mean (hand written) note in your locker. Bullying and depression aren’t the same thing. Talking to someone is a good first step for both.

We need to believe them. We need to support them. We need to be present with them. Sometimes our journeys take us places we don’t want to go. We need to get the message out so fewer parents have to plan funerals. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s NOT ok to not tell anyone you’re not ok.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You are loved. You are important.

Pinktober

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I’m sure you know by now that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. To some people, it might be an annoying amount of pink. The first year after I was diagnosed, I wore pink every single day in October. It’s not that I love the color (I really didn’t own much pink previously). I wanted to raise awareness. I wanted someone who wouldn’t think of getting checked to call and make an appointment for a mammogram. I wanted them to see a (then) 41 year old breast cancer survivor and realize that it could happen to them. I want a husband to remind his wife to get checked. I wanted a mom to urge her daughter to get checked, or a group of friends to go together & have drinks after.

According to statistics, my aunts having breast cancer might not have been of concern – they aren’t “straight line” relatives. Straight line relatives would be mother/daughter/sister/grandmother. I had none of those… yet I went anyway. My cancer was detected because they had a baseline to compare to from the year before. I had gone the past few years. Because of this baseline, they could see the lump that was not there 12 months prior. They could take action instead of just waiting to see if it changed. People may complain about mammograms being painful. It is far more painful to have a wire guided biopsy and then have a mammogram (to make sure they have your cancerous tumors pinpointed).

If you’ve had breast cancer in the past, there is no reason to avoid follow up appointments. None. Think you don’t have the time? It takes less than 30 minutes. 30 minutes once a year. You are worth it. You are so worth it that you should go out for lunch after… or get a massage, or a manicure or get a treat of some kind. 30 minutes a year could be the difference between stage 1 or 2 and stage 4. There is no stage 5. I was 41 when I was diagnosed and I have promised my husband and my boys and my sisters and my parents and my friends that I will get checked every year for the rest of my life. Pinktober is just a good reminder to do so. My appointment is already scheduled for November. When is yours? Make sure your journey lasts as long as possible- make your mammogram appointment or urge the women in your life to schedule theirs.

Be IN the picture…

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This is a picture of me and my boys at the first Cross Country race they did together. As I snapped a picture of just the two of them, another mom said, “Do you want me to take a picture with you too?” “Yes! Yes, I do!” It’s something we do too little of. I know I’m not the first person to write about this, but it needs to be repeated. A lot…Until all of us moms get IN the picture!!

Tonight there is a family going through photo albums. They are gathering pictures for an upcoming funeral. How many pictures do you think they will find with her in them? How many times was the mom behind the camera instead of in the pictures? How many times did she feel not thin enough, not pretty enough, not dressed up enough, not “put together” enough? Those moments can’t be re-done. We cannot get them back. The pictures spark the memories and without them, we miss out on some reminders. We miss out on silly moments. We miss out on a gift to give our kids & grandkids… a glimpse of US.

There is a picture on my desk of me & the boys in our back yard having s’mores. I had been working outside, I was dirty and too many pounds overweight. But the photo hangs on my wall. My boys don’t care. They just loved having s’mores together.

I’m not a scrapbooker, but I do make Shutterfly books when I can. They love to look through them, but it’s mostly of them. I need to be OK with being in the picture instead of just being the one holding the camera. I need to remember that I am enough to my kids, my family and my loved ones. I want them to have so many pictures of me when my time comes, that there are too many to choose from.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough…and get IN the picture!!

Would you wave a magic wand?

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This is one of my favorite pictures of my boys. 5 years ago, on a still day at the lake they were just fishing. The reflection on the water makes it look like they are surrounded by clouds. I feel like this is my oldest son’s version of heaven. This picture came up on my Facebook memories and I got kind of emotional. An unexpected flood of emotions… making my eyes well up. They are so innocent here. This was before my cancer diagnosis. This was before their uncle’s farm accident (he miraculously survived). This was before their loved ones were ill. So much has changed. Part of me wants to reach into this picture & hug those little boys. I wish I could protect them from the heartache. I wish I could see that sweet “carefree” look in their eyes.

But I can’t do that… & part of me doesn’t want to. All of those scary things taught us something. As crummy as it was to tell my kids that I had cancer, it brought us closer together. It taught us how to ask for help. It allowed us some quiet time. It changed my perception of life in general. Their uncle’s farm accident taught us how to pray intentionally. It taught us how to let others hold us when we feel like we are falling apart. It showed us that miracles are real and they do happen. Their loved one’s illness taught us that health is important. It taught us to listen to our bodies, to love and respect these vessels that we have been entrusted with. It made me even more aware that life is short & we should take the trips!

Yes, part of me would like to wave my magic wand and keep them from the pain. But, those painful moments make us realize how sweet life is. Cancer happened for me, not to me. I was asked shortly after radiation, “So, has cancer changed you?” Yes. Yes, it did. I didn’t fully realize it at that moment, but I will never be the same… and not in a bad way. I will always try to make it to my kids’ events. I will honor and listen to my body. I will hug more. I will take the trip. I will sit and pet my cat. I will practice meditation & prayer. I will enjoy the life I have. I will give to others. I will show up for them when they don’t know what to do next. I will know that silence is ok, just being there means a lot.

None of us are promised a “tomorrow,” but I will do my best to live my life to the fullest. When my time comes, I hope to end up in a place like this picture… more beautiful than I can ever imagine. I really do wish you peace on your journey of enough. Peace is a powerful thing. Learning to sit in silence and absorb all of the good around you is good for the soul.

Stay ‘till the end…

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This past weekend, we traveled to Minneapolis, MN for a little vacation before school starts. We went to a Vikings game on Friday night. None of us had been to an NFL game. We toured the Cowboys stadium when we went to Dallas, but we hadn’t been to a game before. Since this is considered “pre-season,” the tickets were cheaper. We scored seats in the corner of the end zone in row #12!

Instead of trying to find parking in downtown MSP, we decided to take the tram from the Mall of America to the US Bank Stadium. As we filed through a sea of purple and gold, we could see the giant stadium with lots of glass. No food is allowed in from the outside, so it gave us a chance to have an over-priced supper. There was plenty to see before the game and the stands filled up in no time.

The game was a good one – lots to take in. With the Vikings losing to the Seahawks, several fans decided to leave early. I asked our friends if they wanted to beat the crowds for the tram or to stay ’till the end. Luckily, my friend suggested to stay. The Vikings came back and won the game by 1 point… scoring in the end zone right in front of us! We almost missed it. We aren’t huge football fans, but it was quite a sight! The energy was amazing! The 95 foot tall glass doors were open, letting in a nice breeze. We almost missed it. “Wow, good thing we stayed!”… was heard over and over amidst the crowd.

How many times in life do we stay ’till the end? How many times do we leave early, or stop too soon – thinking we will save time or get something else accomplished? As we stood in line for the tram, and packed in like sardines with thousands of other people, I thought about this. I’m guilty of quitting too soon or leaving too early at times. What else have I missed out on? There are many times I have stayed though, and it’s been worth it. What if I didn’t “stay ’till the end” of my cancer treatment? What if I didn’t “stay ’till the end” of my son’s cross country race? It applies in many aspects of life… not only showing up, but staying.

I’ve started several online classes, but don’t always “stay ’till the end.” Something comes up, life gets in the way, my head gets in the way (or 100 other excuses)… and I don’t finish strong. It’s not fair to me or the people I’m in class with or the teacher. I need to stay ’till the end more. Maybe you’ll join me on my journey of enough & be the friend that says, “Let’s just stay ’till the end & see what happens!”

Embracing 3 years…

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Some people will ignore this as “just another cancer anniversary post, but it’s more than that. 3 years ago today, I rang the bell as a cancer survivor. I still carry the card with me from the cancer center:

“Ring this bell Three times well Its toll to clearly say, My treatment’s done This course is run And I am on my way.”

I brought my family with me that day. I almost didn’t. I was tired from the radiation & hadn’t thought about “bothering them” to come and be with me. Bothering. How often do we not let others help us or let them in because we don’t want to bother them? Way too often. 3 years ago, I almost stood there by myself because I didn’t want to be a bother. I already had way too much attention on me. I already felt bad about so much time being spent on me. So many times throughout my cancer treatments, I didn’t want to be a bother. I didn’t want to ask for help with meals or call someone just to talk about “normal life” or let someone clean my house.

We do this regardless if we have cancer or not. We don’t think that we are worth someone’s time. We are wrong. My mom would have loved it if I bothered her more to help me or to just listen. My friend would have felt useful if I would have bothered her more to bring a meal or just visit over coffee. We need to realize that we are not a bother or a waste of time. We are worthy. The worth needs to come from within. You need to believe it first. Once you do, you can let people in. Sure, that can be scary… there is usually a fear of rejection. But what if they say “yes” and they would love to help/listen/visit/clean? They will feel great for being there for you & you will feel great because some burden has been lifted from your shoulders.

In honor of my 3 year anniversary, I invite you to write down all of the ways you think you are a bother. Write them on a piece of paper. Then shred the paper or (safely) burn it. Do NOT hold onto it. Get rid of that – let it go. Then fill yourself up with something good, something you enjoy. I wish you peace on your journey. You are not alone, you are not a bother, and you ARE enough!

Do you look for it?

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This picture was taken last weekend. My youngest son and I were sitting in a blue pop up ice house on a frozen lake in MN. It had “warmed up” so it was above zero. Our 4 ice holes had only produced one small fish. My husband and oldest son were outside fishing in the fresh air. I looked down and saw this. It’s an ice bubble but looks like a heart to me. Plain as day. A heart. I’ve never seen one like this before. My youngest son asked why I was taking a picture & I showed him. He had one by him also. While the winter wind blew outside, our small heater was keeping the chill off. And we both found hearts.

Do you ever look for signs? I bet if you do, you find them. Do you look for feathers or pennies or eagles? If you do, I bet you see/find a lot of them. We have to be open to it. Open to the magic, the miracles, the unexplainable. Similarly, if you look for good, you will find it. If you look for the bad, you will also find that. If you listen to the news all the time, the world may seem like a bad, scary place. If you spend more time looking outside, enjoying nature or visiting with someone, I bet you will think it’s not all that bad.

I’m not 100% sure what our heart messages were. I think for me it was a reminder to have a softer heart, more patience and forgiveness. To breathe, to slow down, to share the love. Cheesy? Maybe. But I’m going to choose to look for the good. Some days it’s hard to do. The other morning I was walking in to work thinking about how cold it was. I found myself being negative & stopped. I started listing off all of the things I can be grateful for.

  1. It’s way warmer than Saturday was
  2. I’m walking(we take this one for granted a lot)
  3. I got to drive my son to school and visit with him
  4. I like my job
  5. We’ve remained healthy

The list could have gone on but you get the idea. There is a constant dialogue in my head. One of my goals this year is to be more intentional with making sure it’s a positive one. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. I hope you choose to look for the good. I’m betting that you will find it.