Tag: #survivor

Filling up on magic…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

This past weekend, I spent some time in Superior,WI at a rustic camp (this is me by Lake Superior). 10 ladies and our leader, Jodie Harvala, spent Thursday to Sunday laughing, enjoying nature, hauling wood, bonding and exploring our Spirit side. We didn’t sing any church hymns, but we were at a Lutheran camp and did sing grace before every meal.

When thinking of a Spirit retreat, my family instantly thinks of “church ladies”. While many of us do believe in God, it wasn’t the purpose of the weekend. We were working with the Spirit side of life – learning more about intuition and paying attention to messages. Before I lose you to an image of a giant cauldron in the woods, let me tell you more about it.

We didn’t:

  • Cast any spells
  • Do anything related to voodoo
  • Perform any sacrifices
  • Use a magic wand

We did:

  • Listen to our intuition
  • Connect with like minded souls
  • Laugh until our sides hurt
  • Cry happy and sad tears
  • Release regrets and fears
  • Challenge each other to grow
  • Learn and expand
  • Play “hide & seek”
  • Hike through the forest
  • Observe the power of a waterfall
  • Feed chickadees & squirrels

I could go on and on, yet it’s hard to explain at the same time. I hauled wood in the snow with two friends I hadn’t seen in a while. We laughed and listened to Christmas music and felt like little kids again as the snow fell gently down. It looked like we were inside a snow globe. I met some new friends whom I might not have crossed paths with otherwise. I shared my story and was challenged to write a new one. We talked about big dreams, past hurts, lost loved ones and the messages they send us. We wrote down our regrets and fears and released them in the wood fireplace. We wrote down our dreams and all of the things we are thankful for. It was magical.

I think we get caught in the day-to-day grind and we end up empty. If we don’t fill ourselves back up, we have nothing left to give to others. Was it hard to leave my family for a weekend? Yep. Did they do OK without me? Yep. And I returned refilled with magic and hope, forgiveness and love. Our journey isn’t meant to be walked alone. Find those people who KNOW that you are enough. Let them remind you how magical you are. I wish you peace on your journey of enough & enough magic to fill you up.

Thank you for a magical weekend!

Robbie’s Hope

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

I believe in God. I always have. There are some things I would like to ask him about though. The list is long, but here are a few:

1. Why do we have extra body parts that we can live without (appendix, gallbladder etc)?

2. Why can’t we turn on and off our ability to have kids?

3. What on earth do I need hair on the top of my nose for?!

One of my biggest questions is:

4. Why do we lose loved ones too soon?

There has been a lot of deaths lately. A couple of weeks ago, a friend I grew up with in 4-H posted a link on Facebook. Her nephew had passed away. He was 15. (The same age as my oldest son.) Everyone loved him. He was an active kid, outgoing, smiled a lot. But he was silently struggling with depression. Behind that smile, he was not OK. He died by suicide while his parents were at teacher conferences hearing about how great he was. Instead of taking him to swimming, they had to plan a funeral. They had to figure out what his wishes were. They could have easily lost themselves in grief. (I tend to think that’s what I would do.) Instead, they were called to action.

They started “Robbie’s Hope” with the intention of bringing more awareness to teen depression & suicide. They later learned of the acronym for HOPE: Hold On, Pain Ends. Their GoFundMe page has raised over $75,000 to help get awareness and prevention programs started in Colorado.

gofundme.com/robbieshope

Even more amazing – all of the conversations it has sparked. I’ve talked to both of my boys about this. I’m sure many others have also had conversations they didn’t think they would have with their kids. If you haven’t had that conversation yet, do it NOW. Please let them know to talk to parents, coaches, school counselors, teachers, pastors, relatives… anyone who will listen. Robbie’s parents thought he was OK.

“It’s ok to not be ok. It’s not ok not to tell anyone.” This is a message that his family wants to be sure you hear. “Not ok” is normal. The photo shopped and Instagram perfect looking people have issues too. Talk to someone & get some help. Suicide is not the answer. There are many people who love you.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&v=9kipGOGRT4g

After showing him the news story on Robbie, my oldest son said, “It’s true. I’m sure there are a lot of people struggling. Mom, guys are the worst. Nobody wants to talk about feelings.” If that’s true, how do we change it? How do we make it ok for guys to open up? How do we encourage them to support each other? They are constantly bombarded with not being enough. Not a nice enough truck, not a big enough deer, not a fancy enough boat, not smart enough… and he’s 15. It’s a completely different scenario from when I was 15. Instead of someone talking bad about you on Instagram, they stuck a mean (hand written) note in your locker. Bullying and depression aren’t the same thing. Talking to someone is a good first step for both.

We need to believe them. We need to support them. We need to be present with them. Sometimes our journeys take us places we don’t want to go. We need to get the message out so fewer parents have to plan funerals. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s NOT ok to not tell anyone you’re not ok.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You are loved. You are important.

Random Tuesday’s have a whole new meaning…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

I used to use the phrase that included “on a random Tuesday”… until a random Tuesday changed my life. I was 41 years old when I heard those words on a Tuesday. I was teaching a class on a Tuesday when I got a call. I was standing in the hallway on a Tuesday when I heard the doctor say, “I am not sure how to tell you this, but you have breast cancer.” For a while, my world stopped on a Tuesday. I am going to give new energy to Tuesday’s! Tuesday’s are going to be a regular blog post day from now on.

As I sit at the orthodontist office, waiting for my youngest son to get some brackets put on his teeth, I am making a commitment. A commitment to be more consistent in my writing. A commitment to make Tuesday’s something to look forward to. A commitment to myself and to you. I keep getting told that someone needs to hear what I have to say. Although that’s hard for me to believe, I’m going to assume it’s true and hope you will continue to follow me in my journey.

Putting myself out there is scary. It’s eye opening and heart warming. I am hoping it will be a positive spot for your Tuesday and won’t be as “random.” Consistent Tuesday will be the phrase instead of random. I hope you will join me on my journey of enough as we share some time together.

PS – the flowers are from my husband, who sent me random flowers, because unexpected flowers are so amazing! Pink for breast cancer awareness month and I am the chairperson of our Relay for Life team.

Pinktober

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

I’m sure you know by now that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. To some people, it might be an annoying amount of pink. The first year after I was diagnosed, I wore pink every single day in October. It’s not that I love the color (I really didn’t own much pink previously). I wanted to raise awareness. I wanted someone who wouldn’t think of getting checked to call and make an appointment for a mammogram. I wanted them to see a (then) 41 year old breast cancer survivor and realize that it could happen to them. I want a husband to remind his wife to get checked. I wanted a mom to urge her daughter to get checked, or a group of friends to go together & have drinks after.

According to statistics, my aunts having breast cancer might not have been of concern – they aren’t “straight line” relatives. Straight line relatives would be mother/daughter/sister/grandmother. I had none of those… yet I went anyway. My cancer was detected because they had a baseline to compare to from the year before. I had gone the past few years. Because of this baseline, they could see the lump that was not there 12 months prior. They could take action instead of just waiting to see if it changed. People may complain about mammograms being painful. It is far more painful to have a wire guided biopsy and then have a mammogram (to make sure they have your cancerous tumors pinpointed).

If you’ve had breast cancer in the past, there is no reason to avoid follow up appointments. None. Think you don’t have the time? It takes less than 30 minutes. 30 minutes once a year. You are worth it. You are so worth it that you should go out for lunch after… or get a massage, or a manicure or get a treat of some kind. 30 minutes a year could be the difference between stage 1 or 2 and stage 4. There is no stage 5. I was 41 when I was diagnosed and I have promised my husband and my boys and my sisters and my parents and my friends that I will get checked every year for the rest of my life. Pinktober is just a good reminder to do so. My appointment is already scheduled for November. When is yours? Make sure your journey lasts as long as possible- make your mammogram appointment or urge the women in your life to schedule theirs.

Be IN the picture…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

This is a picture of me and my boys at the first Cross Country race they did together. As I snapped a picture of just the two of them, another mom said, “Do you want me to take a picture with you too?” “Yes! Yes, I do!” It’s something we do too little of. I know I’m not the first person to write about this, but it needs to be repeated. A lot…Until all of us moms get IN the picture!!

Tonight there is a family going through photo albums. They are gathering pictures for an upcoming funeral. How many pictures do you think they will find with her in them? How many times was the mom behind the camera instead of in the pictures? How many times did she feel not thin enough, not pretty enough, not dressed up enough, not “put together” enough? Those moments can’t be re-done. We cannot get them back. The pictures spark the memories and without them, we miss out on some reminders. We miss out on silly moments. We miss out on a gift to give our kids & grandkids… a glimpse of US.

There is a picture on my desk of me & the boys in our back yard having s’mores. I had been working outside, I was dirty and too many pounds overweight. But the photo hangs on my wall. My boys don’t care. They just loved having s’mores together.

I’m not a scrapbooker, but I do make Shutterfly books when I can. They love to look through them, but it’s mostly of them. I need to be OK with being in the picture instead of just being the one holding the camera. I need to remember that I am enough to my kids, my family and my loved ones. I want them to have so many pictures of me when my time comes, that there are too many to choose from.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough…and get IN the picture!!

You’re a good mom…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

Well, clearly these are turkeys & not my kids, but it made me laugh. “Slow…kids at play” sign with a group of turkeys. I didn’t look close enough to see if they were a family, but I thought it was funny… almost like they were getting coached to come this way, right towards the flag. Or perhaps there was a mom turkey leading them. “Get over here!” “What’s taking so long?” I’m sure she’s a good mom.

In the last 4 days, I’ve had an oddly high number of people tell me I’m a good mom. I’m not saying this to “toot my own horn”… it’s just very strange how many times this has come up. Do you ever need a message and you don’t quite get it – or you do get it but you’re not paying attention? Yeah, I think this is it. I’m not alone in being the kind of mom who worries about her kids & if I’m being a good enough mom for them.

I emailed my son’s 6th grade teacher to let her know about a sick relative & how it might be impacting my son. Thursday night, my son & I talked about their “DQ run” on Friday for cross country practice. He needed to bring money. I didn’t set it out at the time but I realized it at lunch time. I dropped off $5 at his school so he could have a treat at the run. I emailed his teacher & told her about the money in the office & said I am not the mom who swoops in & saves the day, because I think they need to learn responsibility, but this seemed different. (Your relative is dying & you don’t get ice cream on an 85 degree day – nope). She emailed me back that she understood. “You’re a good mom.”

I ran some errands for my oldest son because he had cross country practice after school and then had to mow two neighbors’ lawns. I was supposed to get goose decoy weights, cord and a call. I went to the local Fleet Farm with some texted pics of what I should get. I was telling a co-worker about my trek to pick up something I knew nothing about. “You’re a good mom.”

My husband was out of town and my oldest son wanted to go goose hunting. He has a Saturday cross country run at 8am. This means getting up at 4:30am to get stuff ready & go set up decoys so that he can hunt for an hour before practice. I was telling my friend about this upcoming event and how I know very little about hunting, but we were getting up early to go in Saturday. “You’re a good mom.”

My point is, I don’t think this message was just for me. It’s the small things that make a difference. Showing you care about things they like, making sure they can get a treat with the other kids when they’ve had a rough week. If you’re a mom, this message is for you too. “You’re a good mom.” No, I’m serious. “YOU are a good mom.” You may think you’re not enough, but you are the perfect mom for your kids. You are on this journey, learning from each other. So, be sure to tell someone they’re a good mom. It could be just what she needs to hear today.

Would you wave a magic wand?

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

This is one of my favorite pictures of my boys. 5 years ago, on a still day at the lake they were just fishing. The reflection on the water makes it look like they are surrounded by clouds. I feel like this is my oldest son’s version of heaven. This picture came up on my Facebook memories and I got kind of emotional. An unexpected flood of emotions… making my eyes well up. They are so innocent here. This was before my cancer diagnosis. This was before their uncle’s farm accident (he miraculously survived). This was before their loved ones were ill. So much has changed. Part of me wants to reach into this picture & hug those little boys. I wish I could protect them from the heartache. I wish I could see that sweet “carefree” look in their eyes.

But I can’t do that… & part of me doesn’t want to. All of those scary things taught us something. As crummy as it was to tell my kids that I had cancer, it brought us closer together. It taught us how to ask for help. It allowed us some quiet time. It changed my perception of life in general. Their uncle’s farm accident taught us how to pray intentionally. It taught us how to let others hold us when we feel like we are falling apart. It showed us that miracles are real and they do happen. Their loved one’s illness taught us that health is important. It taught us to listen to our bodies, to love and respect these vessels that we have been entrusted with. It made me even more aware that life is short & we should take the trips!

Yes, part of me would like to wave my magic wand and keep them from the pain. But, those painful moments make us realize how sweet life is. Cancer happened for me, not to me. I was asked shortly after radiation, “So, has cancer changed you?” Yes. Yes, it did. I didn’t fully realize it at that moment, but I will never be the same… and not in a bad way. I will always try to make it to my kids’ events. I will honor and listen to my body. I will hug more. I will take the trip. I will sit and pet my cat. I will practice meditation & prayer. I will enjoy the life I have. I will give to others. I will show up for them when they don’t know what to do next. I will know that silence is ok, just being there means a lot.

None of us are promised a “tomorrow,” but I will do my best to live my life to the fullest. When my time comes, I hope to end up in a place like this picture… more beautiful than I can ever imagine. I really do wish you peace on your journey of enough. Peace is a powerful thing. Learning to sit in silence and absorb all of the good around you is good for the soul.

What’s your patchwork?

On By journeyofenough1 Comment

This is my purse. It was an impulse Amazon purchase on “Cyber Monday” last year. It sat in the bottom of my closet for a while because I didn’t like the handles at first. It sat there waiting. Waiting for me to decide my other purse was too small (or I just wanted a change), and I brought it out into rotation. I lost count of the compliments I get on this purse. It “goes with” everything! It’s a patchwork of many colors. Someone took scrap leather pieces and made something beautiful. I think that’s one reason I’ve always liked quilts… a patchwork of small pieces, coming together to form something beautiful.

We are like my funky purse. A mix of qualities that might not seem like much by themselves… but put together, they form something beautiful. Something unique- those qualities form you. I told someone that I felt like an odd mix of things – growing up I was a cheerleader, in drama & speech, band & choir, art, 4-h, attended church regularly, went to parties… things that contradicted each other, but mixed together created something unique – me. She said, “what if you are ALL of those things… and that’s what makes you… you.” None of it is a mistake. All of those experiences helped form me into who I am now. Who I am now will not be the same 10-20 years from now. I will have more life experiences, I will have new skills, I will have traveled to more places, met more people… and my patchwork will be different. Maybe I’ll learn to quilt by then.

As we start a new school year, I hope that my boys will add to their own patchwork. They will learn some new things, meet new people and grow as men. Their lives in 10-20 years will be drastically different. They will likely be out of our home, just visiting on weekends or holidays. They may have families of their own. Things will change, but my love for them and their father/my husband remains.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you add to your patchwork this year and help someone add to theirs. We are all in this together!

Stay ‘till the end…

On By journeyofenoughLeave a comment

This past weekend, we traveled to Minneapolis, MN for a little vacation before school starts. We went to a Vikings game on Friday night. None of us had been to an NFL game. We toured the Cowboys stadium when we went to Dallas, but we hadn’t been to a game before. Since this is considered “pre-season,” the tickets were cheaper. We scored seats in the corner of the end zone in row #12!

Instead of trying to find parking in downtown MSP, we decided to take the tram from the Mall of America to the US Bank Stadium. As we filed through a sea of purple and gold, we could see the giant stadium with lots of glass. No food is allowed in from the outside, so it gave us a chance to have an over-priced supper. There was plenty to see before the game and the stands filled up in no time.

The game was a good one – lots to take in. With the Vikings losing to the Seahawks, several fans decided to leave early. I asked our friends if they wanted to beat the crowds for the tram or to stay ’till the end. Luckily, my friend suggested to stay. The Vikings came back and won the game by 1 point… scoring in the end zone right in front of us! We almost missed it. We aren’t huge football fans, but it was quite a sight! The energy was amazing! The 95 foot tall glass doors were open, letting in a nice breeze. We almost missed it. “Wow, good thing we stayed!”… was heard over and over amidst the crowd.

How many times in life do we stay ’till the end? How many times do we leave early, or stop too soon – thinking we will save time or get something else accomplished? As we stood in line for the tram, and packed in like sardines with thousands of other people, I thought about this. I’m guilty of quitting too soon or leaving too early at times. What else have I missed out on? There are many times I have stayed though, and it’s been worth it. What if I didn’t “stay ’till the end” of my cancer treatment? What if I didn’t “stay ’till the end” of my son’s cross country race? It applies in many aspects of life… not only showing up, but staying.

I’ve started several online classes, but don’t always “stay ’till the end.” Something comes up, life gets in the way, my head gets in the way (or 100 other excuses)… and I don’t finish strong. It’s not fair to me or the people I’m in class with or the teacher. I need to stay ’till the end more. Maybe you’ll join me on my journey of enough & be the friend that says, “Let’s just stay ’till the end & see what happens!”

I still do…

On By journeyofenough1 Comment

Wow. Where did a month go? It’s been a month since my last post. Summer in the upper Midwest is a precious time of trying to soak up as much good weather as we can… & that’s what I’ve been doing. Soaking up summer like a sponge. Maybe I’ll remember these warm days when it’s -40 in January.

About 2 months ago, I wasn’t able to wear my wedding ring. It was hurting my finger and my hands had gotten too “puffy” due to some extra weight that has crept up on me. I know it should be an easy equation = eat less + move more. It’s just not that simple for everyone. Many factors come into play. Last fall, someone I know had their breast cancer return after 20+ yrs. It’s now stage 4 and in several places… yet she wasn’t overweight, ate plenty of fruits and vegetables & took vitamins daily. This was hard for me to deal with – the possibility of this happening to me was scary. I had a “why bother eating healthy” attitude & a bit of unspoken self-pitty. I had an “I deserve a donut” mentality and it wasn’t healthy.

There is something I didn’t realize right away… her story is not my story. Just because it happened to her doesn’t mean it will happen to me. I go in for my check ups, I’m an advocate for myself and I want to be around for many more years.

2 things happened to spur my desire to shed some extra pounds. 1) Relay for Life. As I posted last time, the Relay for Life event was very powerful. Walking around that track made me feel like I had an obligation to continue to survive. Seeing those white balloons release in memory of those who have passed made me realize all those balloons were symbols of someone who people wished was still here. I don’t want to take my life for granted. I don’t want my kids to live without their mom. If there is something I can do to extend my life, then I should. 2) My husband asked me if I needed my ring re-sized. It was an innocent question, but one that was hard to answer. “I just need to shed some weight.” Funny that he brought it up because he hasn’t worn his ring in years, but he never thinks that it insinuates that he’s not married. (Ok there might be 3 reasons – the third being vanity, if I’m honest. I saw those pictures of me with a double chin and a belly larger than I’d like, & it made me self conscious)

So, 3 weeks into a keto lifestyle, I can wear my rings. I am drinking a lot of water and have drastically reduced carbs and sugar. I’ve discovered that I’m likely gluten sensitive because I feel so much better after eliminating it. I have a higher likelihood of getting diabetes since I had gestational diabetes & my dad is diabetic. Having PCOS increased my health risks for other diseases & my history of breast cancer increases other risks. It would be easy for me to give up, but I feel like this is different. My “WHY” … why I do this – is to live longer. I want to be able to keep up with my active family. As I told my oldest son, I want to be around to annoy you when I’m 95. (To which he replied, “Um, I’ll be fishing – you’ll have to annoy my brother.”) I think it felt safer for me to hide behind extra weight. I wasn’t attracting attention that way.

I still do want to be married. I still do want to run. I still do want to feel fit. I still do want to live to be 95. I still do want my journey to continue. I still do want to write a book. There is so much yet to do. I’m excited to feel amazing! Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you find the support you need to keep you going… whatever your goals are. I hope to report at Christmas time that I’ve met my goals and have discovered some amazing gluten free & lower sugar recipes.