Tag: #survivor

You don’t know what you’ve got…

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5 years ago, while still healing from radiation, I stepped wrong going down the stairs and broke my foot. I remember thinking that I never realized I take “walking with ease” for granted. I tried to use crutches, but it rubbed on my already raw skin, making it nearly unbearable. 20 rounds of radiation had peeled away layers of skin right where the crutches sat under my arm. A friend suggested a knee scooter. What a game changer! Now I could get around more easily, but since I couldn’t put weight on my broken left foot, it still made it a challenge to get around. It was better, but wow did I appreciate my foot the first day I could wear regular shoes. I kind of forget about it until it comes up in my Facebook memories.

This week is both nurse appreciation week and teacher appreciation week. I have 2 sisters… a nurse and a teacher. While their jobs are much easier to explain than mine is, their jobs certainly aren’t easier to do. I think many people across the world are realizing the impact of teachers and nurses. Many of us are trying to help our kids do distance/remote learning. We are now how I was when I broke my foot – not realizing what I had until it was gone.

But it’s not “gone” … the teachers are putting in even more hours to try and connect with kids virtually, following up with emails, Zoom or Google meets, sending kids notes, etc. Some parents are looking for the scooter to make it easier, but it’s still a challenge. It’s difficult to explain to kids why they can’t hang out with friends. It’s hard to see them miss the connections with their teachers and classmates. Heart warming stories of unique ways students and teachers are connecting are popping up all over. Look for those stories. I’m thankful for my teacher sister.

Nurses are also getting much more respect and admiration. Many nurses are holding the hands of those who are sick. They are the last person a dying patient sees. They are managing their other patients, trying to keep them safe and get them healthy. They are trying to manage their PPE, when most of us recently learned what that means. They are volunteering to help other hospitals & working long hours. They are staying separated from their families because of their exposure to high risk patients. They are saying prayers for their patients and coworkers and themselves. They are cheered in big cities, and hopefully appreciated in small cities also. We are giving them a scooter by sewing masks or donating meals. I am thankful for my nurse sister.

There are a lot of things we are realizing that we miss right now. The hair stylists, the full church, the corner bar, the favorite restaurant, the handshakes and hugs … all have more meaning when we feel them missing in our lives. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you stop for a moment and thank a teacher or a nurse, but don’t stop there. There are so many people to be grateful for. You are one of them. Hang in there!

What day is it?

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Seriously, since mid-March, 90% of the time, I have no idea what day of the week it is. Very rarely do I know the date. This is a bit of a challenge when I’m trying to keep track of school assignments, work schedules, blog posts and birthdays. The last two months have flown by and crawled at a snail’s pace all at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a time warp, or living some alternate reality. I’m aware this is a historic time, yet I’m not doing anything memorable or interesting. All of our summer plans are cancelled… county fair, state fair, fishing camp, Bible camp, Dude Perfect show… all of it. We aren’t sure if we will be able to go camping or not.

We are gardening, cleaning up outside, going for walks & fishing. Oh, and chickens. The chickens have been loving their tractor. I’m not sure why it has that name. Maybe because they drive around? They peck the bugs and grass and weeds and we drive them to their next spot. Some days I just want to stick my head in the sand and go watch chickens. Some days it’s productive and feels normal.

I run out of things to say. I run out of ways to motivate myself and my kids. I get overwhelmed by “do’s and don’ts” and the latest reports. We all have different opinions. At first, we seemed so unified, and we heard inspiring stories. The hearts in my window are sun faded. It seems the dividing lines, negativity and mean comments get more attention lately. When I feel those creeping in, I try to think of something positive, but I’m probably reaching for a snack instead. So today, I don’t have an inspiring story or words of wisdom… I just have me. Honestly floundering and just trying to remind myself that I am enough. You are too. Hang in there. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. We will get through this.

Summer dreams…

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This is the Long Prairie River. It’s less than a mile from my house in Minnesota. As we went for a walk last week, I snapped a photo. The browns and tans of the cattails and trees will soon give way to lush green grass and leaves. This river is popular to tube down in the summer. It’s as beautiful and relaxing as you can imagine. The water is clear and you can see fish swimming beneath you as you float down the river. It’s not wide, it’s not flashy and it’s not easily accessible. There are only a few spots to get in and out of the river (which feels more like a stream). There is something about it that I love. Actually, lots of things… usually, it’s filled with family and friends, cool drinks and sometimes music. It’s peaceful and calm, a perfect way to decompress. We’ve floated down with different groups of people. Sometimes we’ve been floating with full sun, sometimes it’s on the verge of thunderstorms and sometimes the wind picks up and makes the floating a challenge.

I long for the days when we can float down again. It’s not an option right now for a couple of reasons… 1) You’d freeze your back end off because the ice came off the lake not too long ago 2) There is the issue of social distance and not wanting to wear a mask while river floating. Last Tuesday we had snow, but last weekend it was in the mid 60’s and we planted our garden. Mother Nature isn’t sure what season it is yet, but we are hoping for a great summer. We are hoping to see our friends and family again in person. I’ve struggled off and on, as I’m sure most people have. There is a big mental health piece of this pandemic that is skimmed over, but not widely talked about. I’m not a mental health expert or professional. I’m just a mom, wife & employee trying to keep kids on track with school, figure out what to feed everyone and work from home with limited internet.

“Pandemic Mavis” doesn’t get ready every day, she’s hit or miss with make up, she is overwhelmed with planning meals and she’s a little tired of being around only males (ha ha). “Pandemic Mavis” also has sewn many masks for friends and family, planted her garden, gone for walks and sewn up her injured chicken. This last 6 weeks has been a roller coaster. I feel guilty for being overwhelmed because I am thankful I have a job. I feel like the worst mom in the world when my kids don’t turn in their school work, and elated when they get back on track. I feel worried about being high risk, but isolated being at home. I feel bad for gaining weight, but I don’t want to make big changes in the middle of all of this.

Things that have made me feel better:

  • Talking with sisters
  • Video chat with friends
  • Calling parents
  • Going for walks
  • Spending time outside
  • My pets (cat and chickens)
  • Helping others

I hope you are coping well. I hope you have the support network you need. I hope you will take a moment to take a deep breath and find something to be thankful for. Give some grace to yourself and those around you. I hope you are able to stay safe and healthy. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May your dreams of summer keep you sustained and positive, but not COVID19 positive!

Grace, peace and chickens of course…

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If you know me or have read my blogs, you know that I have chickens. Right now it’s 6 hens and 1 rooster. (The picture is of them in their “chicken tractor” a it allows them to scratch and peck during the day and we move them to the coop at night). We started out with 10 total – 4 roosters, 6 hens. We gave away 2 roosters, then 2 more, then got one back because he wasn’t getting along with his brothers (& the hens missed their dude). Anyway, I’m part of a couple of “backyard chicken” groups on Facebook. People have a wide variety of experience & opinions when it comes to their chickens. Some free range, some have elaborate coops, some bake cornbread for their chickens, some let them forage on their own. Ask a question about roosters crowing or insulating your coop & you’ll get a wide variety of answers. Not all of them are nice.

Being a chicken mom parallels motherhood in many ways. For as many opinions there about chicken coop runs and how to protect from predators, there are opinions on parenting and how to be a “good parent.” What does that even mean? Good parent? Good chicken mom? The Covid-19 situation has brought distance learning into our vocabulary. Our kids navigate remote classes and homework that is 100% at home. The teachers work hard to try and put together meaningful content, respond to a bunch more emails, do a Google chat or Google meet or whatever, often while trying to manage their own kids. It’s not easy. None of it is easy. I’m thankful to be working from home, and I’m thankful to have a job. I still stress about not meeting expectations of my work, my boys or my husband. I still look at the moms who have schedules or charts for their kids and feel a pang of jealousy. Is that what being a good mom is? I miss my extended family. I miss giving my parents a hug or seeing my sister in person. But I am staying home for them. If I was an unknown carrier and got someone sick, I’d feel horrible. The day will come when I can give them all a big hug. And I’m 100% certain there will be happy tears involved.

You’ll see a bunch of posts about what you should be doing during the pandemic. This isn’t one of them. We all have our own journey. If you have pizza delivered instead of cooking, I won’t judge. If you need to take a walk outside to clear your head, I won’t judge (as long as you’re 6 feet apart.) If you declare it a cereal day, pajama day or double coffee day, I’m not judging. You do whatever you need to do. As long as you’re not harming anyone or yourself, it’s all good. I don’t comment in my chicken groups what people should be doing, and I won’t make you feel bad here either. We need lots of love, compassion and grace… with our kids, spouses, teachers, coworkers, neighbors and ourselves. We are all doing new things, and that’s ok.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. We could all use a little extra grace and peace right now.

From planting to Dip n Dots…

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Radishes planted April 11

There is an old wives tale about planting potatoes on Good Friday. I couldn’t find much info on why this started… seems like a strange thing, since Good Friday is not on the same day each year. It’s not even close. In MN, Good Friday weather might be nice or we might have a bunch of snow. Last year, we had a bunch of snow. This year, it was kind of nice here, 30 to 40 degrees. We got the planting spots tilled and were ready to plant – much earlier than we have in the past. The first picture is 7 rows of radishes!

New seed planter

This handy little planter has different size wheels to plant the seeds and cover them up. I admit I was skeptical at first. My husband saw this and thought it would be great for our little farm. I didn’t think it was necessary. Maybe part of me longed for the days when my boys were little and would use a ruler to plant peas. They’d carefully lay the ruler in the dirt and space them 2” apart (learning to count by 2’s). I’ll admit though, usually by the end of the planting, we’d both be kind of tired and impatient. At that time, our garden was 24×24. The boys and the garden have both grown. Time to speed up the planting process! This worked well, saved our backs, and planted radish seeds in a fraction of the time it normally would. We shouldn’t need to thin them as much either, since the seeds are spaced as they should be.

6 rows of potatoes

Our potatoes weren’t planted on Good Friday, but the very next day. 6 rows of potatoes went in on Saturday. We’ve been married almost 25 years and I don’t think we’ve ever planted potatoes. We’ve planted sweet potatoes, but not “regular” potatoes. 2 rows of russet, 2 rows of red, and 2 rows of golden/Yukon were planted this year. We’ll see how it goes. We should have potatoes for the Farmer’s Market this year. My husband is busy getting the other seeds organized, tomatoes and cucumbers started inside, and planning out our garden layout. Our asparagus and rhubarb will soon be up, the raspberries are starting to bud, and the ground is ready for seeds. Our farm name is Frueh Market (our last name is pronounced “free” even though it doesn’t look like it should be). We are expanding and learning each year. This year will look different from what we anticipated, but it will still be good.

4-14-20 snow

3 days ago, we planted, and today it snows! Weather in MN is unpredictable. The weather here has been much like our feelings on the “stay at home” order. It’s sunny one minute, look out again and it’s snowing. Wait a few minutes and it’s clear again. Yesterday we had snow that looked like Dip n Dots. We know the snow won’t last much longer, but we are yearning for green grass and warm weather. Our birds are confused about what season it should be, but hold on birdies, this weekend will be 30 degrees warmer! We are yearning to be with friends and family, to be back to normal, even though it won’t look the same.

I’m wishing you peace on your journey of enough. Hold onto hope of brighter days ahead and take a deep breath. You are loved.

Distance learning, bear hunts and window hearts…

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Our cat, Toothless sits by the window next to a bear and a bunch of hearts. The bear is in the window in case any kids in our neighborhood go on a “bear hunt” while out for a walk. We also try to go for a walk every day. We keep our distance, but enjoy the fresh air and exercise. We are adding more hearts to our windows as part of #aworldofhearts. Hopefully it brings someone else as much joy as it brings to me.

Part of me wants to document this pandemic and the impact it’s having, but another part of me is just overwhelmed. My anxiety has eased somewhat by being able to work from home. But I still worry about my family and their health & safety. In the last 12 days, I’ve been in my vehicle twice. Once to mail packages and once to deliver FFA fruit and see my friends from their pickup. It’s all so strange. Yesterday, we tried distance learning for the first time… us and a million other kids and teachers. The system crashed a few times, but hopefully they will get it figured out. All 4 of us online & at home was interesting, but we will get through it.

Some things I’m not doing:

  • I’m not driving daily to work. I save 40 minutes per day, at least. I’m thankful to work from home.
  • I’m not wandering around Target and spending $100 when I only came in for shampoo. My husband picks up what we need, with no browsing.
  • I’m not filling my vehicle (see bullet point 1). I’ve gone on more walks in the last 2 weeks than I have in a long time.
  • I’m not spending extra time walking to the lunch room or restroom. They are both pretty close by in my home (hence the need for walks!)
  • I’m not taking a lunch, going out to eat or having snacks all day. I’m able to eat at home & surprisingly snack less.
  • I’m not seeing many other people. My family may get kind of sick of me.

I’m also not making a chore chart, learning a new skill or organizing my closets yet. I am trying to make sure we have the resources to function in the “distance learning or e-learning” environment as much as we can. I’m trying to be as productive as possible and still remember to get up and move. I’m a planner. I’ve planned things for as long as I can remember. There is no “standard work” or set of instructions for what we are going through. It can be overwhelming.

I wish I had some inspiring words. I guess I will leave you with the things I’d want to hear: 1) You are loved. 2) You are safe. 3) You are enough. Hang some hearts in your windows, put a bear for kids to find, and wash your hands. We will get through this. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. (And don’t forget to breathe!)

Sheltering in place?

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Our world has changed so much in the past 3 months. What seemed like a “virus on the other side of the world,” has now appeared on our doorstep. My sister in CA is currently “sheltering in place” and trying to teach her class remotely. My sister in ND is trying to keep her dialysis patients, her nurses and herself safe and healthy. I started working from home last Friday while my kids are both at home.

It’s all new territory. Very few businesses had “in case of pandemic” procedures in place. I doubt anyone had heard of sheltering in place or social distancing. Restaurants are closed or doing take out/drive through only. Bars, salons, massage, and many other small businesses are closed. Teachers are trying to figure out how to teach their kids online and parents are trying to figure out how to help. Shelves are bare at the grocery stores and hospital workers are worried and stretched thin.

Last week, I was spinning with anxiety. You’d think an introvert would love the idea of quarantine. But I was still going to work and each day left me emotionally exhausted. I felt out of control. I worried I would transmit to someone even though I wasn’t infected. Any cough or sniffle made me cringe. A few online groups started up with the purpose of helping others. I joined, sent a couple of packages to people in need, and when I helped someone else, something neat happened. My mind stopped spinning. I felt useful.

No idea of how to do math with your kids? It’s ok, there are people to help. Working from home and just want to stay in your pj’s? It’s ok. Meals and chores planned or just winging it? It’s ok. What isn’t ok is putting others at risk. It’s not ok to be rude to the grocery store employees or to hoard essential items.

All across the country there are people coming together like never before. Even though we are isolated, we are hanging hearts in our windows. We are having Zoom meetings and virtual happy hours. We are going on neighborhood “bear hunts” for teddy bears. I cannot control the people who go out when they shouldn’t. I cannot make all of the kids safe. I can do my part to limit my exposure and keep my family safe. I can reduce my chances of spreading something to a person who is at high risk or immune compromised. You can too by staying 6 feet away from people, being aware of what you touch or staying home if possible.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re sheltering in place like my cat, you can still reach out… send a note, pick up the phone, do a conference call or a Zoom meeting, hang hearts in your window. Come together while staying apart – if we all do it, hopefully it will be enough.

Jesus take the wheel…

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Before Covid19 quarantined us, my sisters and I took a trip to Texas. We decided to rent a car so we’d be able to drive around while my niece and her husband were at work. Our flights weren’t at the same time since we were flying from different parts of the US. Two of us flew together and met the other one at the airport. We got our luggage and found the rental car shuttle. As we sat down on our shuttle bus, we looked up and saw this sign. Yes, our shuttle driver was Jesus. We had to take a picture to remember our Godwink.

We are now in the midst of an unprecedented worldwide pandemic. Our MN schools are closed until the end of the month, and possibly longer. Classes are moving online to reduce the risk of exposure. Last night, they ordered bars & restaurants to close unless they are drive through or pickup. There is so much unknown, so much misinformation and it’s changing rapidly. The maximum group gathering quickly went from 500 to 250 to 100 down to 10. In other words, stay home. This isn’t an option for everyone and it creates a lot of logistical issues. Healthcare workers, delivery drivers, first responders, grocery stores, gas stations and many manufacturing businesses will be open. Our kids are going to school just for today so they can get their Chromebooks and other supplies, then they are home until the end of the month.

I’m not throwing my hands up and letting Jesus completely take the wheel. I will certainly let him steer the way though. I will keep my kids at home, even if I’m not able to be. I will limit my errands and try to support my local businesses when I can. I will try to fact check the things I read to be more accurately informed. I will watch my church online from my home and be thankful they care about my safety. As an introvert, this won’t be much of a challenge for me. I worry about those who crave interaction, those who will go out anyway and cough or sneeze or not wash their hands. I also worry about the kids who do not have a safe place to be during this time. I worry about those who are at a higher risk of infection.

Worry and hope cannot exist at the same time. So, I’m trying to set down my worry, calm my fears, and pick up hope. I will do what I can to limit my exposure and risk for others. I gave blood yesterday because I’m sure there will be a shortage due to cancelled blood drives. Small stuff adds up. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Stay home if you can, cover your cough, don’t touch your face and wash your hands. Be a lighthouse for others in this time of need and hopefully Jesus will help steer us to shore.

Sticks & stones…

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“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Whoever came up with this saying must not have been a teenager at any point in their life and certainly didn’t raise one. I still remember names I was called and rumors that were spread about me as a teen. It’s an age where you are trying to find out who you are, and when people put negatives into your head, you start to believe them. I am a different person than I was in high school, but why can’t I shake those labels? Why don’t I have excellent advice to give my sons?

My 17 year old son also has labels put on him and rumors spread. With social media, peers are able to message ladies to “warn her” about him and fill her with lies before he even gets to know her. They stalk where you are, who you’ve added to Snapchat or Instagram, and bad mouth anything you post. I know the pain of feeling alone and yet I don’t have the words to comfort him.

My 13 year old gets called “gay” and “pimp” because he wears suit coats to school. While I would love him regardless of if he’s gay or straight, I’m quite certain he isn’t a pimp (since he didn’t know what it even meant). Kids in his church group even pick on him and he has stuff thrown at him at school. I don’t know how to explain these things to a kid who got a kindness award and gets A’s.

It’s not a journey I wanted my kids to take. It’s not a lesson I wanted them to learn. It’s not something I was prepared to re-live. I can’t “mama bear” protect them and yell at these kids. I can’t fight their battles for them. And now we’ve changed to “distance learning,” where their online presence is all that is seen. Does this make it better or worse? Plenty of adults have hurtful things to say online too. Would they say them in person? To your face? Not sure. It’s honestly one of the things that has delayed my book writing… fear of rejection, of being seen, of putting my heart out there and being told it wasn’t good enough.

While other moms are using this time to create cute time capsules, or learn something new, or make lasting memories, I’m just getting by. We are watching movies at night and all working on computers during the day. We have home cooked meals and sack lunches from school. I’m not going to lose 50 lbs or get my book written during this time. I cleaned out my refrigerator door over the weekend and I was pretty proud of myself. My house isn’t spotless (partially because I know nobody is coming over). But hopefully, through all of this, my kids will know they are loved.

When I was looking to take a picture of actual “sticks and stones,” I ended up placing them in the shape of a cross. I didn’t realize it at first. This seems fitting since last Sunday was Palm Sunday and this Sunday is Easter. Jesus dealt with sticks and stones, palm branches and praises, thorns and nails. He sees our hurting hearts, and just like my momma bear instincts, he wants to make it better. Sometimes we have to go through the difficult stuff to come out stronger on the other side.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Stay home if you can, wash your hands, stay 6 feet away, don’t touch your face, and be a kind human. Don’t judge the person at the grocery store or the person online- “keep your eyes on your own paper.” We are all in uncharted territory, and you are enough!

Put your right foot out…

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I’m not talking about the hokey pokey, but that’s a good guess. I (almost) always sleep with my right foot out of the covers when I’m sleeping. It could be winter or summer, at a hotel or at home… but it’s just the right foot. It’s one of those things you don’t think about. You might also assume everyone does it. My husband does not. My oldest son does. So this made me wonder… is it hereditary? I know my grandma Lil did the same thing. We aren’t unique. If you Google it, there are a bunch of articles about how this helps regulate your body temperature. Maybe the reason my hubby doesn’t do this is because his body temp is always below 98.6. I’m not sure.

I’m fascinated by the different traits we inherit. I can only wink my right eye but I can raise my left eyebrow. Watch someone try to do the opposite, it’s funny. I can roll my tongue like a tube, but someone who can’t will just stick their tongue out. It’s not something you can learn (to the best of my knowledge). Have you been around family members who have the same laugh or mannerisms? When you get extended family together, that can get pretty interesting. My boys got my left eye dominance, blue eye color and my teeth. Few people say they look like me.

Aside from genetics, there are other things I hope to pass on to my kids. I hope they continue to love animals. I hope they believe in a higher power. I hope they hold the door open and remember their manners. I hope they treat people with kindness and look for ways to help. They both have my husband’s sense of humor and love of movies. They have his work ethic, even though he doesn’t always see it. They love to be outside and experience nature. As we are getting closer to having a high school senior, giving them life skills is increasingly important. Can you do your own laundry? Can you mow the lawn, fix a meal, grocery shop and build something on your own?

Giving them life skills will help them put their best foot forward, but it means giving up control. It means you might end up eating a homemade nacho pizza experiment or having to explain rewashing clothes if you forgot to dry them. It means they will have to learn the lessons of asking for help and independence at the same time.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough… and sweet dreams.