Tag: #survivor

I blinked…

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This past weekend, our oldest son took senior pictures. Senior. Pictures. Seriously, wasn’t he a toddler just yesterday? Wasn’t he farming the carpet in the living room last week? Wasn’t he racing around the couch while watching the Cars movie last month? 17 years. I blinked and 17 years have gone by. I know I wrote about it recently, but wow.

All last week I was out of sorts. I was crabby and irritated and couldn’t figure out why. Full moon? Seasonal changes? Weather cooling off? (Nope, actually fall is my favorite,) Looking back, I was just nervous about the pictures. Not really the location or the photographer, but the realization that I have a senior… And my time with him is now measured in months instead of years. The photographer was great. We did several different shots & I’m sure they will be wonderful. I didn’t make him dress up, because that’s just not his style. I wanted the pictures to be representing things he loves. I blinked.

I blinked, and Nerf guns were replaced with trap shooting guns. I blinked, and Matchbox cars were replaced with real cars. I blinked and toy tools were replaced with welding tools. I blinked, and my boy became a man. I feel like the sand is slipping through my hands at a rapid rate. Sure, he might visit, but it won’t be the same. Pretty soon we will be making graduation announcements. Pretty soon he won’t be telling me about the ducks and geese and fish and deer before going to bed. Pretty soon, the lasts will happen and I won’t even know it.

Ugh. My momma heart is aching. As much as I want to hold on, I know I need to let go. In less than a year, our house won’t be the same. In less than a year, they won’t randomly go fishing on a nice summer day. In less than a year, his mowing jobs will be turned over to his brother. So much to do, and such little time. I need a pause button.

So, to all my fellow senior parents, I’m here with you. I’m trying to keep my eyes open, because before we know it, May/June will be here and our lives will be different. Blink. Senior pictures. Blink. Graduation day. I’m wishing you peace on your journey of enough… and I’ll have some extra Kleenex for you. Let’s cheer these kids on to the best senior year.

No rest for the weary?

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Normally, I sleep pretty well. Aside from when my boys were small, I’ve usually been able to sleep well. My husband is a very light sleeper and gets up pretty early. If it was up to me, I would probably sleep longer but I always feel guilty sleeping in. After all, there is stuff to do. I’m not a 5am type “early,” but I do get 6-7 hrs of sleep. And I need to or I don’t function well. I know this about myself.

I was recently thinking about the difference between sleep and rest. To me, they are not the same. I can sleep well, but not feel rested. And I feel like my soul needs rest, but it does not need sleep. In the last 6 months, many of us have had more time at home than ever before. Some of our busy has been replaced with other kinds of busy. Commuting worries replaced with internet speed worries…Wondering what to wear replaced with wondering what to cook… Trip planning replaced with “at home” routines. Balancing work, school, cooking, homework, internet speeds, lack of travel, gardening, markets, relationships, baking, mental and physical wellbeing has been exhausting for my soul. Some days are better than others, but I’ve felt a general sense of needing rest, regardless of how much sleep I get.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Matthew 11:2

Ugh, weary. That word just speaks to me so much. Weary is a very vivid word, and it makes me think of a tired soul. Weary – like a mom who needs some time alone. Weary – like a teacher worried about her students. Weary – like a pastor who just wants his congregation to be together, but also to be safe. Weary – like a cancer patient navigating treatment during a pandemic. “Come to me, and I will give you rest.” Jesus isn’t saying for you come to him and take a nap. He is saying to come to him with your burdens of worry, and lay them at His feet. How many times would you like to take off that weight on your shoulders and set it down? You can. Easy to say, not as easy to do. We hold so tightly to the straps on that burden, clenching it in our fists… afraid to set it down. Afraid of the “what if’s.”

  • What if I didn’t do enough to help my kids?
  • What if their time online outweighs their time to be “kids”?
  • What if work doesn’t think I’m doing enough?
  • What if my house is messy?
  • What if I have to say no to someone?
  • What if my kids’ mental health suffers?
  • What if mine does?
  • What if I miss the Senior year and don’t soak it up enough?
  • What if my health suffers?
  • What if a loved one gets sick?
  • What if I miss out on time with my spouse, even though we see each other more?

Lay it all at His feet. Hand it over. Worrying just steals from today, it doesn’t change anything. Telling someone not to worry is also not effective. So maybe we do both? Allow the thought, acknowledge it, and release it. Either hand it over to God or write it on a piece of paper & burn it. Release it, so you can rest.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough… The kind of peace that gives your soul the rest it needs. Time to get some sleep too.

Delayed, not “done”…

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I signed up for a writing retreat a while ago. It was supposed to happen in May, 2020 in Florida. Time set aside just for writing (at the beach) sounded wonderful. I looked forward to the time away, just for me. I ignored my introverted fears and even had planned for a roommate whom I had never met. And then the pandemic hit, and our retreat was delayed. We could not fly to Florida in May. It was delayed to November. Ok, November might be alright? Getting away from MN in November still sounded like a good idea. Recently, they decided to move it to a remote/online format. I respect and understand the decision. Traveling in November still would be risky, so I canceled my flight and hotel. I also decided to cancel my spot in the retreat. I know it will be wonderful. The people putting it on are amazing and talented. But I also know myself. I know that an online format for this kind of retreat would not get my full attention. I’d be distracted by things at home, work requirements & taking vacation time just for me. So I’m delaying my book writing idea, but I’m not done.

Many things have had to be delayed this year. We don’t have to give up on all of them though. We didn’t go camping this summer, other than our back yard. We didn’t have a 25th anniversary celebration. We didn’t take a family trip this summer. Hopefully these things are just delayed and not done. With a senior in high school this year, I know our timeline of delays is limited. It’s beyond my understanding though. I know I need to release the idea of being able to control things. Just because you know something is right doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

This year seems like the year of delays. Whatever delays you are facing, I hope you don’t give up. Hang in there. You are loved. You are needed. We will get through this together. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Back to school, just different…

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He checked off the items on his school supply list, tried on 5 different suits, got his lunch bag and water bottle ready to go, packed his gym and cross country clothes and made sure he had his mask. He wrote his schedule down on a piece of paper and packed what would be his locker contents into his bag (this time, he included hand sanitizer). The first day of school for 8th grade would not look or feel the same. 25 emails, 10 different changes, last minute schedules and new requirements make this year much different. He won’t see all of his friends because many of them are on the other side of the alphabet. We are alternating between “in person” and “distance learning.” Every other day he will be in school then at home. It’s just different.

This will be the first time he has been in the school building since March. When some kids jokingly said, “See you next year,” we didn’t think they would be right. He didn’t get to say goodbye to his teachers or friends. Didn’t get to have the back-to-school night in person (it was via Google meets). This year will start out with masks, lunch in the gym, no lockers, and one-way traffic in the halls. No more “hanging out” before school. No more visiting with buddies at lunch…. just different.

It is difficult for my momma heart not to worry. Even though he’s 14, this year is just so different… for a kid who likes routine, how will he do? Will he be able to hear in class? Will he find all of his classrooms without being able to see them ahead of time? Will he be able to change out of and back into his suit in time? How will tomorrow go for distance learning? I can’t reassure him with specifics because I just don’t know. I guess I can tell him it’s just different. Life doesn’t always go as planned. Wear the mask, smile with your eyes, make lemonade out of the lemons and learn to adapt.

By the way, he probably did better than me today. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. We will get through this different time… hang in there.

Ready. Not ready. Ready.

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Normally, in MN, we start school after Labor Day. That is still true, but our oldest son started PSEO (Post Secondary Education Option) at the Technical College. He had orientation last week Monday. He is a senior in high school, but he will be 100% at the Technical College for welding.

He is ready. He is ready to be welding. He is ready to be a senior. He is ready to explore. He is ready to set his own schedule.

I’m not ready. I’m not ready for a different senior year. I’m not ready to take senior pictures. I’m not ready for planning a graduation party. I’m not ready to have him move out. I’m not ready to watch him drive away or bring him to college. I’m not ready for an empty room.

But it’s not the end. 18 years is just 1/5th of your lifetime if you live to be 90. What will be other 4/5th of his life bring? Will he remember what he learned at home? Will he have good manners, clean up after himself and be able to cook? What will he miss or fondly remember about his childhood? How often will he return? Will he find someone to share his time? Where will his life path take him?

I’m ready. I’m ready for him to walk across the stage at graduation. I’m ready to hear about his adventures. I’m ready to listen to more hunting and fishing stories. I’m ready for the excitement in his voice when he finds the perfect fishing spot. I’m ready to bake his favorite brownies when he comes home on the weekend.

I could worry about it or I could embrace it. I had to make my own mistakes. I had to fall and pick myself up. He will have to do the same. I have to release control. I have to trust. I will continue to cover him in prayer. I will float between “ready” and “not ready” for the rest of this year… maybe longer. There is a lot I wasn’t prepared for in motherhood. Letting go is one of them.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. To all you moms of seniors, cheers to a great senior year. To any seniors reading, give your mommas some grace and patience. We want the best for you, but we still see that cute little kindergartener when we look in your eyes. And we love you more than you will ever know. (Unless you have kids of your own… and then you will realize the depths of our love for you.) And some day, you too may be ready, not ready, ready.

Silver & searching for Narnia…

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25 years ago, I was putting last minute wedding plans in place, prepping for the groom’s dinner and rehearsal, and probably driving everyone around me crazy. Our 25th anniversary is coming up this week. I remember my mom and dad’s 25th. We had a party at Oxbow country club. For our 25th, I was hoping to go somewhere fun… maybe go back to Vegas for the National Finals Rodeo in December or find a relaxing beach vacation. That was before COVID. Instead, we went to a church camp for the weekend with our kids. I don’t want to underplay the significance. I know not everyone makes it to 25. It’s just not really my dream silver anniversary trip. Or was it?

We arrived at the Bible camp Friday afternoon and unpacked to our cabin. This is the 2nd time we’ve stayed away from our house since February. They had lots of safety precautions in place. We spent lots of time outside too. We decided to go for a hike. It was close to 90 and 98% humidity and we forgot to bring bug spray with us. It was a “moderate” hiking trail, which was obviously graded by an experienced hiker (I thought it was advanced). Oh, and we got LOST. Boys and I almost missed supper. After that hike the boys decided their hiking time was done. No more hikes for them.

Saturday, we played games, swam, went on a wagon ride and had lunch. There was a hike after lunch (with a guide) called the Narnia hike. The boys were not up for that. They played basketball and pool instead. Cam and I decided to go. Well, HE decided and I went with. This time, we brought bug spray, the map, and we had a guide. A 3/4 mile hike in to the area they call Narnia. The guide sounded super excited about it. We walked off the trail into the pine and evergreen trees. “This is Narnia,” she exclaimed.

“Narnia”

I almost laughed out loud. It’s our back yard. We hiked all this way for our back yard. We see this every day.

Our back yard

We texted the Narnia picture to the boys. They would have been soooo annoyed to hike all that way for our back yard view. As we made our way back to camp, Cam said, “So, sometimes what you are searching for is right at home.” (Sometimes he is wise) Yes, sometimes what we search for is right in front of us. It might be within ourselves, in our home or with our loved ones. Did we need a fancy trip to celebrate our 25th? Nope. We just needed our family. We needed a private cabin with crummy WiFi and a peaceful camp. Oh, and I didn’t have to cook! We played games: pool, ping pong, air hockey, foosball, basketball, tennis, Battleship, checkers, Sequence, Farmopoly and cards. My Narnia is here every day. It might not always feel magical, but it can be.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you find your Narnia right in your own back yard.

Stuck?

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We recently got almost 6” of rain. The left side of this picture is Lake Carlos, and this is the Long Prairie River dam. This chunk of “bog” (cattails, grass & mud) was stuck at the top of the dam. While the water rushed around it, it was just stuck. It can’t go backwards because of the flow of the water. It cannot go over the dam until something changes… either the mud on the bottom erodes to let it flow over or something knocks it over the edge.

Sometimes we can feel like this bog… just stuck in place while everything flows around us at a rapid pace. There is more noise and activity when the water is this high. Behind the cluster seems smooth, but it’s flowing fast. On the other side is a churning, bubbling flurry of activity.

I felt this way when I had cancer. I felt like everything was moving quickly around me and I was stuck. The past seemed more calm, but I couldn’t go back. I was stuck. I was healing and getting better, but time seemed to go in slow motion and fast forward all at once. Looking back, I feel like I missed much of 6-7 months of my life. I tried too hard at times to force myself over the dam & back into the flow.

Since then, I’ve learned what self care is. I’ve learned to recognize when anxiety spins my thoughts out of control. I’ve learned to pause, to stop when I need to… not because I’m stuck, but because I’m observing. I’m figuring out what I need to do next in order to move forward. It’s ok to feel stuck. Just don’t stay at the top of the dam. Find a way to go forward, because you cannot go back.

“Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago. Watch for the new thing I am going to do. It is happening already—you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness and give you streams of water there” (Isaiah 43:18b-19).

I think that verse is a good one. God will make a road though the wilderness and give us streams of water. Keep looking forward. I wish you peace on your journey of enough.

Mess and all…

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I read a post Monday about being the kind of friend who accepts you how you are… mess and all. Being a “come as you are” friend. Wonderoak & Love What Matters posted it. My sister sent it to me as a reminder. You are always enough. Timing was perfect. It was just one of those days. We all have them. Woke up with a bad headache, had the sniffles and was extra tired. Frustrated by dumb stuff at work. My energy felt slow and thick and heavy. I shared my frustrations with my friend, who didn’t judge me for my feelings or opinions… we just shared our woes and supported each other. We cheer for each other when something good happens. We stop and listen when the other is in distress. We are there for each other, mess and all.

As an introvert, I often have “resting “B” face.” (Sorry mom, you’ll have to Google it) I’m not very approachable. I’m usually lost in my own thoughts. So, I’ve had to adapt over the years… be more approachable, smile more, act the part. I’m kind of like M&M’s with a “hard candy shell.” Lots of walls put up over the years to protect my heart haven’t been torn down yet. I don’t make new friends quickly. I’m usually trying to gauge their perception if I’m “good enough” to be included. I worry too much afterwards why I wasn’t.

So when I find someone who accepts me, mess and all, I’m so thankful. My circle may be small, but they get me. They know I’ll likely obsess over something, overthink and try to regain control. They can talk me back down to earth, help ease anxiety and tell me the truth. They know I’m fiercely loyal and worry about what other people think. They also know I love to give – time, talents, prayers & baked goods. I don’t need a huge superficial group, I need real people who really love me, mess and all.

With all of the division going on, hold onto your circle. Check in and let them know you care. Show up with a coffee or text an uplifting message. Overlook their pile of laundry or stack of dishes. Honestly, my friend’s house looks like a Magnolia home photo shoot. Mine can be borderline “Hoarders” some days (but not that bad). When she comes to visit, she doesn’t see the mess, she comes to see me, mess and all. Our messes aren’t always visible- sometimes it’s an internal struggle, a mess of a marriage, relationship or belief. Supporting your friend means supporting them through it all. You find your own rhythm and what works for you both. Your circle will ebb and flow, twist and turn. Being your authentic self is a freeing thing. It allows you to be true to who you are meant to be, and that will spark joy.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you find someone to be there for you, mess and all.

Yabut …

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My high school art teacher recently passed away. She was a cool lady. She told it like it is … no sugar coat at all. She didn’t like it when someone said, “Yeah, but….” She would stop you. “There is no yabut,” she would say. Either you agree or you don’t. I think that was her point.

There are lots of debates being waged on social media. Lots of yabuts. Lots of keyboard warriors on a crusade. I’m guessing the posts have changed very few minds. If I strongly believe something, some stranger yelling at me isn’t likely to make me suddenly switch. Instead of yabuts, what about “yes, and?”

  • Yes, I believe in God, AND I think others can believe whatever they like.
  • Yes, I want to get back to normal, AND I worry about my high risk family members.
  • Yes, I support friends who are cops AND there are some changes that need to be made.
  • Yes, kids are missing school AND I have family who would be impacted because they are school staff.
  • Yes, I understand the desire to go back to work, AND I’m a wreck with anxiety.
  • Yes, I want to travel and explore AND I want to stay in my house.

It’s draining. The energy around people is almost visible right now. Tension, anger, frustration… if I could float down the river each night, I would. Tonight, I’m pressing pause. I’m sitting in a lawn chair on a gorgeous MN night… reading a book and writing to you. Asking you to pause. Put down the anger and frustration. Leave the “yabuts” for a while. Look for some miracles or inspiration or something positive. I almost didn’t write today because I was too overwhelmed… then I figured just maybe someone else needed to pause too.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have more “yes and’s” and fewer “yabuts,” and take some time for o pause. People will still be angry online tomorrow.

Thankful…

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What a roller coaster of emotions.

  • Dad’s PSA was elevated
  • Re-checked, it was higher
  • Biopsy done… cancer
  • Caught it early
  • More tests just to be sure it’s contained
  • Hm, spot in the bone scan
  • Oh, results were wrong, it’s more advanced
  • Urologist left, medical order for Mayo lost
  • Back to Dr
  • Refer to Mayo
  • Expect long wait
  • Can get you in next week
  • Might not cover for insurance
  • Never mind, it’s covered
  • PET & MRI at Mayo
  • Meet with top Urologist
  • Cancer contained
  • Shot now, radiation in 3 months (6-8weeks)

This is a brief summary and I missed a lot of steps, a lot of calls, sleepless nights, calling back, rechecking. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my sister being a nurse and following through, we would still be waiting. I’ve said it before, but the logistics of treating cancer is exhausting. The people start to sound like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoon, “wa wa, wa wa wa wa.” You lose track of time, who knows what part of the story and what the next step will be. Thankfully, we know the cancer is contained and treatment can be somewhat close to them. They will still have to drive, but it’s a much better scenario.

I was supposed to take them, but I had a cough. Something that wouldn’t normally be a big deal, but with COVID it is. Had I become infected? I certainly didn’t want to risk giving it to my parents. I found out they wouldn’t have let me in to the clinic anyway with a cough. I got tested but didn’t get the results back in time. Thankfully, my sister was able to take them. She had been to Mayo, knows the “campus” and is familiar with medical terms. We were so relieved he could get in so quickly and that it was the best possible outcome.

Since I couldn’t be there – helping, listening, driving, “doing” something, I did the only thing I could do – ask for prayers. Whether you believe in God or not, there is power in having many people think good thoughts, pray prayers and send positive/healing energy. I’ve felt it. I’ve felt it wrap me up like a blanket. I felt it 6 years ago while we waited and prayed and hoped for the best outcome for my brother-in-law. We got a miracle 6 years ago, and we got another one on Friday.

His journey isn’t done. He will wear a new badge that he didn’t ask for. He will change the family medical history “tree.” He will be a cancer survivor. Along the way, I may ask for more healing, more prayers, more love to be sent his way & our way. One thing is certain, I saw the look of relief on my parents’ faces, and my heart swelled. There is a plan. It might change again, but at least we have a path. And, we have an army of angels by our sides the whole way. I had the song “Angel Army” in my head and didn’t realize it until later. I envisioned all of those prayers lifting them up, carrying them forward & giving good news.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Whatever you’re facing, I hope you reach out & let someone pray for you or think good thoughts or send you love. We are in this together. God bless.