Tag: #survivor

6 and counting…

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This is the shirt I wore on Monday. I normally just wear it around the house, but I thought it was appropriate. For 15 minutes, it sat on the chair in the doctor’s office for my yearly checkup (not that kind). I’ve graduated from oncology follow up appointments being every 6 months. Now I just go yearly for in person visits, still alternating MRI and mammogram every 6 months. It’s been over 6 years since I rang the bell. Each time I walk back into the cancer center, it takes my breath away a little bit.

Today’s appointment was fairly uneventful. I did get the green light to skip the dexascan (bone density) every 2 years. Since my numbers looked good last time, the Examestane & lack of estrogen must not be creating any bone issues. Although the dexascan is not painful or uncomfortable, there is something reassuring about not having to get one done. I’m 47, so osteoporosis is not super common, but it is more likely given my medical situation (side effects of estrogen reducing drugs and total hysterectomy/menopause). The Dr also asked if I wanted to continue the meds I’m on. I said “yes,” because my physical side effects are minimal (everyone is different), and I had aunts with breast cancer more than once. If a tiny, once a day pill can prolong my life, I’m all for it. And now that I met my deductible, the $500/month is covered.

We chatted awkwardly about the weather and how I had been feeling. I had nothing to note, really. I recently had my MRI, which showed small change in right side lymph nodes, but nothing to be worried about. We talked about my vertigo and other routine medical things. It was wonderfully uneventful. As soon as he left the room and I put my “breathe” shirt back on, I did just that. I took a deep breath and texted my family & friends that I had the “all clear” for another year. I walked outside into the sunny, 85 degree day, took off my mask and took a deep breath again. I walked over to the sculpture, snapped a picture and gave thanks. I’m thankful for my health, the support of my friends and family, the ability to keep sharing my story, and for the wonderful sunshine.

Why do I share such a mundane thing? Because for cancer survivors, it’s not over when they ring the bell. It’s not over when the treatment ends, when the scars heal or when their hair grows back. It’s a lifelong sensitivity to their health, follow up appointments they don’t discuss, health scares they may worry about in silence. They become the family member or friend who had cancer. They become an expert even when they don’t feel like they are… but they have been through it. They get calls or texts or messages from people asking how to help their newly diagnosed loved one… because they have been though it. I have been through it. While it is in my past, it will still make me pause each time I walk through those doors and wait for my appointment… thankful that I can just breathe.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Wherever you are, it’s always a good reminder to breathe deep & say a “thank you” when you do. And if you’re in Fargo, ND and want a fun treat, check out the Thai ice cream rolls at Tea & Crepe downtown. We had a nice walk downtown, stopping at some shops and visiting with friends.

This was a lot…

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This was a lot… a lot of preparation, a lot of planning, a lot of moving things & painting things, a lot of pulling weeds, a lot of mowing, a lot of baking cupcakes, a lot of pictures, a lot of lists, a lot of folding chairs. It was also a lot of friends & family helping out, a lot people showing up and a lot of memories made. We celebrated our son’s graduations from Tech School for welding and from high school this past weekend. We had a nice stream of people, a few sprinkles of rain, and a calm evening. Two of his high school buddies from his old school came for the weekend. The smile on Dallas’ face was worth all of the preparation. To hear him tell welding stories to the party guests and show off his certification welds made me happy.

I know he loves it. I know he will love Montana. I know he will make more friends and new memories… memories that I won’t be a part of. Seeing all of the pictures from when he was little made me nostalgic. Not sad, just nostalgic. I’m not sad that he is growing up. I’m not sad that he’s moving away. I will miss him for sure. I just wish I could have a little more time with that little boy farming on my carpet. I wish I could get back the year that I had cancer because it seemed like a blur. I wish I would have had the words to calm worries and mend broken hearts.

But I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot of conversations at bed time, a lot of cookies made and eaten, a lot of side hugs when my hands were full of something else. I don’t tell him how proud I am of him because I want him to be proud of himself… to seek that pride on his own instead of looking for someone else to fill it. But I am proud of him. I’m proud of how he came back from failing classes to accepting help. I’m proud that he can carry on a conversation with adults. I’m proud that he can be his own advocate. I’m proud he found a unique skill and learned how to improve on it. I could go on, but you get the idea. Is the kid perfect? Nope. And I don’t expect him to be. I’m proud nonetheless.

So I sat by the fire on Sunday night, reflecting on the week. There were a lot of emotions from the book launch, to graduation prep, to the party and the cleanup. There were a lot of cupcakes left over and a lot of things to put away. I’m thankful for it all.

I feel like summer can begin now. We were able to go tubing down the river with my sister and nieces and Dallas’ friend. The weather was perfect and it was a great way to top off the weekend. The quiet time by the fire was what I needed to. It may have been a lot, but it was also just enough.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Excuse me while I go make notes for a party four years from now….

Wild Woman launch day!

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Today is launch day and I need your help!!!!!

We are launching our book Wild Woman Book of Shadows and it is on sale for only .99 cents today!!!!

Even if you purchased a print copy if you could download the book to help us achieve our goal of making this book a Bestseller!

Also, join us for our launch party! Prizes, giveaways, oracle card pulls and so much more! All 23 authors will go live today sharing their magic inside of the FB group!

• Download a copy of our book here: mybook.to/wwbookofshadows

• Then join us for the fun here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/787309181985109

I will go live at 5:30pm central time. I’ll be sitting with my chickens (weather permitting) & talking about my chapter. My prize will be an apron, recipes and a mixing fork like I use to make cookies and pies.

I can’t tell you what it meant to me to hold this book in my hand and see my words in print! I hope you’ll join me Monday!

He hears our cries…

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I was holding off on my post this week, hoping I’d have a “homecoming” update about our cat. Our black cat, named after the “How to Train Your Dragon” movie star Toothless, has been at the vet. Last week, he stopped playing fetch. We thought maybe it was just a phase & didn’t think much beyond that. If you’ve been around cats, they kind of make their own rules. He switches his favorite resting spots so we thought he was just changing his favorite playtime toys.

Saturday, he didn’t seem like himself and got sick in the garage. At first I thought maybe he was just mad that we were moving things around. He was struggling to urinate also, so we knew something was up. Tried to give him lots of TLC, but Sunday he didn’t feel better. You could tell he was in pain. I tried the local ‘on call’ vet but couldn’t get through. I talked with an online vet who mentioned that bladder obstructions for male cats can be deadly. So, we took him to St.Cloud to the ER vet. Poor kitty had such sad meows the whole way there. Myles and I stayed at a hotel there instead of driving back. (PSA: the Hilton Garden Inn is very nice). They called me and said they removed the blockage but his potassium levels were dangerously high. He would have likely had a heart attack if we had waited. Several of his other numbers were elevated.

We picked him up at 6:30am. They said he was very loving after the procedure & was in pain meds. I’m sure he was purring and rubbing on them, so thankful for the relief! We took him to the regular vet to continue monitoring him and trying to flush his system out. We even made it back home before 8am! We thought he could come home today but he wasn’t quite clear and wasn’t going on his own yet. His blood work came back much better. They said he was eating well also. I miss him, but hopefully he will be fine tomorrow and we can give him lots of love and attention.

Hearing him cry was kind of like hearing an infant cry – you aren’t really sure what they need because they can’t tell you. And not being able to soothe them feels so difficult & helpless. I’ve had 2 kids, I understand it’s not the same thing, but it’s a similar helpless feeling. Sometimes when we cry out to God, we feel helpless too. We feel like he doesn’t understand what we need. We must not be saying it clear enough, right? Maybe he knows what we need and is clearing the way for better things.

I believe this for the most part but really struggle with the tragedy part. The young wife who is now a widow? The young man who took his life and left a heartbroken family? The mom with cancer leaving behind small kids and a spouse? Why did those things have to happen? I don’t know. I don’t claim to know. But, the young widow is bringing awareness to grief… the young man’s family is advocating for teen mental health all across the US… and the mom’s family is raising funds for cancer research. So I do think God hears our cries, and maybe he does really know what we need.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Reach out if you are struggling, you are not alone and you are always enough!

PS- the book launches June 21st!!! So exciting!!

Sometimes you need to sow again…

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This is part of our farm/garden. On May 27th, we worried about frost. We covered our garden because of freezing temps. May 27th should be a “frost free” time frame. We didn’t lose plants, just a few asparagus. Then the temps jumped up into the 90’s. We worried about keeping the plants watered and hoped they wouldn’t burn. What extremes. Highs and lows follow us through life. Sometimes the swings are big, and sometimes things are steady for a while. The last two weeks have been full of temperature swings for sure.

The last few days we have been re-planting. There were gaps in the rows where the plants didn’t germinate. We waited until the garden had a little more shade, and the temps were down to the mid 80’s. I checked my “garden map” to see which varieties we needed and started to sow by hand. Filling the gaps. Replanting. I wasn’t thrilled about it. I was kind of annoyed. I don’t like being hot and this was hard on my back. But I knew it had to be done. In order to get a full harvest, we needed to sow the seeds again. Kind of like life, right? Sometimes things don’t turn out like we planned. Even if we had it just right, we might have to try again. Sometimes when we sow again, the timing is better or the conditions are better and it thrives.

There are 48-66 Bible verses related to sowing (according to two Google sources). either way, it’s mentioned quite a bit. I liked this one the best:

Luke 8:5-15 New International Version

5 “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds ate it up. 6 Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture.7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.” When he said this, he called out, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.” 9 His disciples asked him what this parable meant.10 He said, “The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that, “though seeing, they may not see;
though hearing, they may not understand.’11 “This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. 12 Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. 13 Those on the rocky ground are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. 14 The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. 15 But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. When harvest time comes, I’ll be thankful for the work we did now to sow again.

Doors, roses and dancing…

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We traveled back “home” for the graduation of our son’s former classmates on Sunday. He went alone on Friday to see some more kids and attend a few extra open houses. As we drove up to the school in the middle of nowhere, I knew the day would be almost as emotional for me as it was for the moms of the kids on stage. I forgot Kleenex in the car, but I managed to hold it together.

I held back tears as I talked to other moms before the ceremony. Parents who my son grew up with. Field trips and birthday parties, Halloween around the neighborhood on scooters… now young adults stood before us, eager for their next steps. Pomp and Circumstance played and the lump in my throat got larger. Where would he have been? Who would he walk in with and sit by? What stories would be told of his high school years if we had stayed? Then the choir sang, “I Hope You Dance,” and I leaned over and told my senior that I should have brought tissues. He looked shocked. “What for?!” It’s a touching song. Through all the struggles of raising kids, moving and changing schools, I still always want the best for them. I know it won’t always be easy, and that’s ok. The seniors handed roses to their parents and I’m sure I would have lost it. I would have tried to take 100 pictures so I wouldn’t miss a thing.

When he walked across the stage for his tech school graduation (before high school finished), I wasn’t even able to be there. When he walks across the stage this Friday, I will be there in person, but it’s just not the same. 322 kids instead of 43. Very few he has connected with, and since he was mainly at the tech school, he wasn’t involved in many activities with them either. He is so ready to move on. I can relate to that part. I vividly remember being ready to graduate. I didn’t move as far away, but it was a change. It’s the independence that I longed for. He’s ready for that independence also. I hope we’ve given him the skills to do well, and I hope he will dance.

The words give me chills. Here is a reminder. LeAnn Womack’s “I Hope You Dance”…

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.I hope you dance… I hope you dance…I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’,
Lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth makin’,
Don’t let some Hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone.)I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.Dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone.) I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.Dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone.)

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Moving may have closed a door, but it opened a different opportunity & many friends remained. Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens for you too.

Use your voice…

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We spend the first few years of life learning to talk. Our parents and family members are so excited when we learn new words. They clap and cheer and smile at us. Then we are toddlers and are told to be quiet. Maybe it’s the constant questions or the “Mom?! Mom?! Mom??” nonstop that wears us down.

I’m an introvert with a Mass Communications degree. I can talk in front of a large group of people, yet I’m not a fan of small talk. I was in speech and drama in high school, and even in college. I was never afraid to speak my mind. A bit too much at times, I guess. Somewhere along the way, I lost my voice. Maybe it’s the way people looked at me if I did stand up for myself or voice my opinion. Maybe it’s the training about what should or could be said and how to go about it. Maybe it’s the years of being told what I was saying out loud wasn’t right. If you hear something long enough, you begin to believe it.

“Your voice doesn’t matter….”

“Your thoughts are wrong….”

Whatever the narrative was, it started to shut me down. So much so, that it manifested as physical pain in my throat a few years ago. I went to the doctor several times, convinced that I had something wrong. I mean, suppressed emotions can’t become actual pain, right? Wrong. It can and does happen. Your throat chakra is a thing. It’s an energy point that can get stuck when you’re not using your voice. That’s what happened with me. Am I totally fine and speaking my voice again? Some days, but not always.

Fear gets in the way. Fear of rejection, fear of driving someone away, fear of offending, fear of being misunderstood. I have a ton of conversations in my head, but I don’t always speak them out loud. I assume people are mind readers and should just know what I’m thinking or what I’d like. It’s not fair that I get frustrated when I haven’t actually spoken the words. As an introvert, it’s common to clam up and just stuff all those words and feelings inside. “Why bother anyone?” This is NOT healthy thinking. The words need to be spoken. Once I can verbalize something, then we can have a true discussion. Otherwise it’s just words swirling around in my head with no place to go.

I’m not an expert. I’m not a therapist. I’m learning as I go. I’m learning that my voice has value. I’m learning that it’s ok to be heard. I’m learning that by speaking my words, I am validating my feelings. But man, that’s still scary at times. I wrote recently about being invisible, yet I never talked about it out loud. This kept me still invisible. I’m a work in progress, friends. We all are. Some days you might need to talk out loud to yourself. That’s totally ok. That’s a validation too.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. I also wish for you to find your voice. Go yell outside if you must. Speak to your pet or talk to the mirror. Call up a friend or speak to a counselor. We all want to feel heard, but in order to do that, we have to use our voice.

Labor of love…

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It’s almost here… June 20th is when the book comes out. I am the author for one of the chapters. I’d be lying if I said being a “published author” was a lifelong dream of mine. I actually hadn’t dreamed that BIG for my writing. Sure, there was a maybe or someday that danced through my head, but I honestly never thought I’d be good enough to be a published author. And then I had cancer and writing became a way for me to manage and share information. Every now and then, someone would throw a compliment my way. I’d dismiss it, because they were just being polite, right?

Then I went to a retreat and was opened up to a whole new realm I hadn’t experienced before. I met intuitive, magical and strong women. Women who lifted each other up and supported without judgement. People I wouldn’t have come in contact with during my regular life. Each retreat widened the circle…. several returned, new people came… our spiderweb of connectivity grew.

I can’t explain the feeling, other than to say I felt like my authentic self. I could share and listen and be lifted up. Intuition was celebrated and shared instead of hidden. I began to look at life differently. I still believe in God, but I’m also more connected to nature and aware of the signs from our loved ones and angels.

I’ve been pregnant and given birth twice. Because of infertility treatments, I knew I was pregnant when I was exactly 17 days along. 9 months of excitement and worry, puking and having swollen feet, insulin shots and bloodwork. Fifteen (first one) and seven (second) hours of labor. This book has been a much shorter version of a labor of love. I’ve felt like I was going to puke, I’ve worried and stressed, written and rewritten, and the day is almost here. My chapter is called “Journey to Joy” because there is a book in my heart already called Journey of Enough. I talk about two of the things that bring me joy and a little more about my back story. I have no idea how many copies I will sell, or how many the other authors will sell. I hope that collectively we will reach a bunch of readers. I’m excited to read the other chapters and to feel the book in my hands.

I’d love to sign a copy for you. $22 covers the book, tax and shipping. June 20th is our launch date (and right around graduation open house time so it will be a busy week.) My journey of enough has brought me to the journey to joy… and I can’t wait to share it with you! Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

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The Wild Woman’s Book of Shadows

Pre-order your author signed copy. Tax and shipping included. Books will ship after June 20th. Allow 1-2 weeks for delivery.

$22.00

Take me to the water…

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I don’t know much about astrological signs, but I am a Sagittarius, which I guess is a “fire” sign. Youngest son is a “water” sign, oldest son is “air” and my husband is an “earth” sign. My husband’s makes the most sense because he is very connected to the earth. He loves to garden, move dirt, work with compost, and trim trees. I love the water. I spent most days at the city pool when I was a kid. Growing up in the 70’s/80’s, we would ride our bikes to the pool and wait for it to open (as long as it was warm enough). We would swim until supper break & sometimes ride back again for evening swim. In high school, I got my lifeguard certificate and worked at the pool for a few summers.

I’m drawn to water. I love floating down the river or being on the lake. I could sit and listen to the waves lap against the shore all day. I love the sound of it flowing over the rocks at the dam. I like kayaking so I can glide across the water. There is a calm and sense of peacefulness that washes over me when I’m by the water. It’s hard to explain if it’s not something you connect with. It is where I will retire someday… in a cabin on a lake. I will wake up and have my coffee while watching the sunrise and listening to the loons.

“Take me to the River” is the song that the “Billy Bass” sings. If you’re not familiar with it, Google it. For several years, that’s how my husband woke up our oldest son. A song from a plaque with a singing bass fish was just annoying enough to get him out of bed. I could always hear it upstairs, even though his room is in the basement. It made me chuckle. I wonder what will happen to Billy when he goes off to college?

I know my son will learn to fly fish in Bozeman. He will seek out the pond of ducks and sit to listen to their calls. Are there lakes by Bozeman? If there is, he will find them. Ironically, the kid sinks like a stone… he is not a strong swimmer. His lifeguard mom failed at getting him comfortable IN the water. He will be on or beside it, but he doesn’t love to swim. He may not have Billy Bass with him, but I’m sure there will be a few tackle boxes and rods packed into his car in the fall.

There are many things I admire about my son. He can talk to anyone, I love his smile and he has a desire to learn new things (especially if they are in the realm of fishing, hunting or welding). He may look more like his dad, but we will always share the connection to the water. I’m thankful this summer will be busy compared to last summer. There will still be time for fishing or boating or river floating. Next year will be completely different.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Take me to the water, are memories to be made.

I see you…

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This picture of an “invisible woman” really caught my attention. I first time I saw it was in a writing group. They asked us to write a short paragraph about how this made us feel. Tears rolled down my cheek as I typed my paragraph. It made me sad because I often feel invisible.

Sometimes we yearn to be seen and heard. It’s a validation that we are enough.

Have you ever felt invisible? I admit that invisible is my preference at a party or in a crowd. I hide behind being busy. My labels make me invisible and I lose myself. I’m not Mavis, I’m Dallas’ mom or Myles’ mom. I’m not Mavis, I’m Cameron’s wife. I lose myself to be what others want me to be, what they expect me to be. I lose myself to make sure I stay “small.” I set my own wants aside to make sure everyone else is taken care of. Self care seems selfish for me, even though I know how important it is & I encourage it for other people.

I will be the invisible helper in the kitchen. I will be the invisible chef, invisible crafter, invisible planner, invisible laundry folder, the invisible accountant. I keep a mental checklist of all of the appointments & medication refills, of every item in the house, each upcoming activity, birthday, bills to pay, who needs new socks or pants to be spotted, what homework is coming due, what trips we have coming up…. oh and then there is the list for work related stuff too. No wonder I have vertigo with all of these things spinning in my head. Don’t get me wrong, my family is great, and I know they love me. The only females around me are 6 hens, and they aren’t much help (other than the eggs).

Mother’s Day is just around the corner, and to the other moms who feel invisible, I want you to know… I see you.

  • To the hopeful mom, praying for a positive pregnancy test… I see you.
  • To the new mom worried about doing “the right stuff”… I see you.
  • To the toddler mom who thinks these days will never end… I see you.
  • To the mom in the store with a kid in full tantrum mode… I see you.
  • To the mom of the 4th grader longing to fit in… I see you.
  • To the mom of tweens who wonder what happened to their kid… I see you.
  • To the mom of junior high awkwardness… I see you.
  • To the mom of a senior, taking a deep breath as their child prepares to leave the nest… I see you.
  • To the mom of a graduate, wishing for another weekend together… I see you.
  • To the mom who became a grandma, beaming with pride… I see you.
  • To the mom who became a great grandma, yearning for a more active body to keep up with those sweet babies… I see you.

I see you. I have been you or likely will become you… invisible and just wanting to feel enough in the ebbs and flows of motherhood. I have gotten used to skipping self care. It’s not something I’m proud of. I’m aware of it… it became apparent when I had cancer. I was forced to take care of myself. I was forced to say no so I could conserve my energy. But time marches on, and I became invisible again. I did “all the things” because it is easier to, right? Who am I if I’m not busy or stressed? Sometimes I feel like I’m not worthy of taking time for myself. It makes me feel guilty for taking time away from my family, partly because I know time is limited.

I’ve attended a few retreats and towards the end, we sit in a circle with one person standing in the center. We go around the room and say positive & uplifting things about the person in the center. They can only say “thank you”… they cannot dismiss the compliment, they just take it in. We fill up their bucket. We see them. I do not volunteer to go first, but I do admit that it feels good to be seen.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you truly see others and allow yourself a o be seen. I will be working on this too!