Tag: #mom

Curd, curd, curd ugh…

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Photo from Culver’s web site

I’m almost 47, and up until a few years ago, I had never tried a cheese curd. Being from the Midwest, cheese curds are pretty popular. Warm and crispy fried cheese… yummy, right? I could not get over the name. Curd. I could NOT bring myself to try it. Here’s the back story… when my sisters’ kids (& my boys) were babies, and they would spit up milk, my mom would call it curds. So I equated the word with puke. Makes sense why I wouldn’t want to eat that, right? For some reason if they would have been called cheese nuggets, I would have tried these tasty fried cheese balls long ago.

A couple weeks ago, I asked my Facebook friends to tell me what words made them cringe. Some words got more than one vote.

  • Ain’t
  • Hate
  • Panties
  • Ufda
  • Meltdown
  • Moist
  • Phlegm
  • Visceral
  • Smear/smeared
  • Seen
  • Littles
  • ScheelDs
  • Utilize
  • Supposably instead of supposedly
  • “You got this”

Words are powerful. They can be powerfully negative or powerfully positive. The ones listed above are annoying. They probably make you cringe just reading them. Phlegm is a very visual word to me. Many of these trigger an emotion or an event that makes them not pleasing.

But what if I asked the opposite question? What words make you feel happy or spark JOY? Would we have more of those in common, or are they tied to experiences also? Mine would be (in no particular order):

  • Sunshine
  • Babies
  • Joy
  • Gingerbread
  • Family
  • Peace
  • Fall
  • Laughter, giggles
  • Kittens
  • Chickens
  • Lazy River
  • Purrr

You get the idea. Something shaped those feelings tied to the words. Gingerbread makes me think of my mom and warm gingerbread cake with hot lemon pudding. Lazy River makes me think of floating down the river with friends. Fall makes me think of the crisp air and the beautiful leaves. Giggles makes me think of baby giggles or the way my grandpa would giggle. Just pure joy. Chickens make me think of my fluffy hens and what goofy personalities they have.

Words are powerful, my friends. Use them wisely. Don’t let them drive a wedge between those you love. Words can bring comfort to a friend who is struggling or to someone who feels alone. They can lift up someone’s day or completely ruin it. They can inspire and motivate or be crushing. As a writer, I search for the right words… the ones to peak someone’s interest or make a post worth sharing.

I’m encouraging you to add more positive words to your day. You might make someone else’s day too. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May your words be kind. Oh, and try a cheese curd. Seriously. They are delicious. Just call them cheese nuggets or cheese balls, and you’ll be fine.

Letting go…

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There is a saying, “Autumn leaves show us how beautiful it is to let things go.” This past weekend, we took a spontaneous trip to Itasca State Park. Last minute fishing trip for my husband and oldest son meant a chance for me and the youngest son to explore the state park. We’ve been there before, but usually in the summer. Fall in MN is just magical. The trees are brilliant yellows, oranges, reds and browns. We met up with some friends and hiked the trails through the woods where bikes aren’t allowed. It was a perfect, crisp fall day. The sun was shining, the leaves were beautiful and the fallen leaves were crunching beneath our feet. It smelled like fall. If fall has a smell, that was it – crisp air, fallen leaves, slight breeze.

The kids (my son and my friend’s two girls) complained a little about the length of the hike. Some photo stops, finding walking sticks and the many leaf colors distracted them a bit from the amount of miles we were walking. My friend and I just breathed in deeply… soaking it in. “They need this,” we both agreed. Spending hours online for school, they needed the connection with nature. We did too. To be grounded with the earth, breathing in fresh air, soaking up the silence…. all just good for our souls.

If there was a place that was fall year round, I’d move there. But it’s part of the cycle… letting go (fall), being still (winter), regrowth (spring) and abundance (summer). One of the benefits of living here is our distinct season changes. It’s one of the reasons I put up with winter.

What are you letting go of this fall? Fear? Anger? Frustration? Busyness? Self doubt? We get so wrapped up in being busy, we forget the value of being still and connecting with nature. I hope you are able to be outside, breathe fresh air and soak up some sunshine before our days turn colder and shorter. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

I blinked…

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This past weekend, our oldest son took senior pictures. Senior. Pictures. Seriously, wasn’t he a toddler just yesterday? Wasn’t he farming the carpet in the living room last week? Wasn’t he racing around the couch while watching the Cars movie last month? 17 years. I blinked and 17 years have gone by. I know I wrote about it recently, but wow.

All last week I was out of sorts. I was crabby and irritated and couldn’t figure out why. Full moon? Seasonal changes? Weather cooling off? (Nope, actually fall is my favorite,) Looking back, I was just nervous about the pictures. Not really the location or the photographer, but the realization that I have a senior… And my time with him is now measured in months instead of years. The photographer was great. We did several different shots & I’m sure they will be wonderful. I didn’t make him dress up, because that’s just not his style. I wanted the pictures to be representing things he loves. I blinked.

I blinked, and Nerf guns were replaced with trap shooting guns. I blinked, and Matchbox cars were replaced with real cars. I blinked and toy tools were replaced with welding tools. I blinked, and my boy became a man. I feel like the sand is slipping through my hands at a rapid rate. Sure, he might visit, but it won’t be the same. Pretty soon we will be making graduation announcements. Pretty soon he won’t be telling me about the ducks and geese and fish and deer before going to bed. Pretty soon, the lasts will happen and I won’t even know it.

Ugh. My momma heart is aching. As much as I want to hold on, I know I need to let go. In less than a year, our house won’t be the same. In less than a year, they won’t randomly go fishing on a nice summer day. In less than a year, his mowing jobs will be turned over to his brother. So much to do, and such little time. I need a pause button.

So, to all my fellow senior parents, I’m here with you. I’m trying to keep my eyes open, because before we know it, May/June will be here and our lives will be different. Blink. Senior pictures. Blink. Graduation day. I’m wishing you peace on your journey of enough… and I’ll have some extra Kleenex for you. Let’s cheer these kids on to the best senior year.

No rest for the weary?

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Normally, I sleep pretty well. Aside from when my boys were small, I’ve usually been able to sleep well. My husband is a very light sleeper and gets up pretty early. If it was up to me, I would probably sleep longer but I always feel guilty sleeping in. After all, there is stuff to do. I’m not a 5am type “early,” but I do get 6-7 hrs of sleep. And I need to or I don’t function well. I know this about myself.

I was recently thinking about the difference between sleep and rest. To me, they are not the same. I can sleep well, but not feel rested. And I feel like my soul needs rest, but it does not need sleep. In the last 6 months, many of us have had more time at home than ever before. Some of our busy has been replaced with other kinds of busy. Commuting worries replaced with internet speed worries…Wondering what to wear replaced with wondering what to cook… Trip planning replaced with “at home” routines. Balancing work, school, cooking, homework, internet speeds, lack of travel, gardening, markets, relationships, baking, mental and physical wellbeing has been exhausting for my soul. Some days are better than others, but I’ve felt a general sense of needing rest, regardless of how much sleep I get.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Matthew 11:2

Ugh, weary. That word just speaks to me so much. Weary is a very vivid word, and it makes me think of a tired soul. Weary – like a mom who needs some time alone. Weary – like a teacher worried about her students. Weary – like a pastor who just wants his congregation to be together, but also to be safe. Weary – like a cancer patient navigating treatment during a pandemic. “Come to me, and I will give you rest.” Jesus isn’t saying for you come to him and take a nap. He is saying to come to him with your burdens of worry, and lay them at His feet. How many times would you like to take off that weight on your shoulders and set it down? You can. Easy to say, not as easy to do. We hold so tightly to the straps on that burden, clenching it in our fists… afraid to set it down. Afraid of the “what if’s.”

  • What if I didn’t do enough to help my kids?
  • What if their time online outweighs their time to be “kids”?
  • What if work doesn’t think I’m doing enough?
  • What if my house is messy?
  • What if I have to say no to someone?
  • What if my kids’ mental health suffers?
  • What if mine does?
  • What if I miss the Senior year and don’t soak it up enough?
  • What if my health suffers?
  • What if a loved one gets sick?
  • What if I miss out on time with my spouse, even though we see each other more?

Lay it all at His feet. Hand it over. Worrying just steals from today, it doesn’t change anything. Telling someone not to worry is also not effective. So maybe we do both? Allow the thought, acknowledge it, and release it. Either hand it over to God or write it on a piece of paper & burn it. Release it, so you can rest.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough… The kind of peace that gives your soul the rest it needs. Time to get some sleep too.

Delayed, not “done”…

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I signed up for a writing retreat a while ago. It was supposed to happen in May, 2020 in Florida. Time set aside just for writing (at the beach) sounded wonderful. I looked forward to the time away, just for me. I ignored my introverted fears and even had planned for a roommate whom I had never met. And then the pandemic hit, and our retreat was delayed. We could not fly to Florida in May. It was delayed to November. Ok, November might be alright? Getting away from MN in November still sounded like a good idea. Recently, they decided to move it to a remote/online format. I respect and understand the decision. Traveling in November still would be risky, so I canceled my flight and hotel. I also decided to cancel my spot in the retreat. I know it will be wonderful. The people putting it on are amazing and talented. But I also know myself. I know that an online format for this kind of retreat would not get my full attention. I’d be distracted by things at home, work requirements & taking vacation time just for me. So I’m delaying my book writing idea, but I’m not done.

Many things have had to be delayed this year. We don’t have to give up on all of them though. We didn’t go camping this summer, other than our back yard. We didn’t have a 25th anniversary celebration. We didn’t take a family trip this summer. Hopefully these things are just delayed and not done. With a senior in high school this year, I know our timeline of delays is limited. It’s beyond my understanding though. I know I need to release the idea of being able to control things. Just because you know something is right doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

This year seems like the year of delays. Whatever delays you are facing, I hope you don’t give up. Hang in there. You are loved. You are needed. We will get through this together. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Back to school, just different…

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He checked off the items on his school supply list, tried on 5 different suits, got his lunch bag and water bottle ready to go, packed his gym and cross country clothes and made sure he had his mask. He wrote his schedule down on a piece of paper and packed what would be his locker contents into his bag (this time, he included hand sanitizer). The first day of school for 8th grade would not look or feel the same. 25 emails, 10 different changes, last minute schedules and new requirements make this year much different. He won’t see all of his friends because many of them are on the other side of the alphabet. We are alternating between “in person” and “distance learning.” Every other day he will be in school then at home. It’s just different.

This will be the first time he has been in the school building since March. When some kids jokingly said, “See you next year,” we didn’t think they would be right. He didn’t get to say goodbye to his teachers or friends. Didn’t get to have the back-to-school night in person (it was via Google meets). This year will start out with masks, lunch in the gym, no lockers, and one-way traffic in the halls. No more “hanging out” before school. No more visiting with buddies at lunch…. just different.

It is difficult for my momma heart not to worry. Even though he’s 14, this year is just so different… for a kid who likes routine, how will he do? Will he be able to hear in class? Will he find all of his classrooms without being able to see them ahead of time? Will he be able to change out of and back into his suit in time? How will tomorrow go for distance learning? I can’t reassure him with specifics because I just don’t know. I guess I can tell him it’s just different. Life doesn’t always go as planned. Wear the mask, smile with your eyes, make lemonade out of the lemons and learn to adapt.

By the way, he probably did better than me today. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. We will get through this different time… hang in there.

Ready. Not ready. Ready.

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Normally, in MN, we start school after Labor Day. That is still true, but our oldest son started PSEO (Post Secondary Education Option) at the Technical College. He had orientation last week Monday. He is a senior in high school, but he will be 100% at the Technical College for welding.

He is ready. He is ready to be welding. He is ready to be a senior. He is ready to explore. He is ready to set his own schedule.

I’m not ready. I’m not ready for a different senior year. I’m not ready to take senior pictures. I’m not ready for planning a graduation party. I’m not ready to have him move out. I’m not ready to watch him drive away or bring him to college. I’m not ready for an empty room.

But it’s not the end. 18 years is just 1/5th of your lifetime if you live to be 90. What will be other 4/5th of his life bring? Will he remember what he learned at home? Will he have good manners, clean up after himself and be able to cook? What will he miss or fondly remember about his childhood? How often will he return? Will he find someone to share his time? Where will his life path take him?

I’m ready. I’m ready for him to walk across the stage at graduation. I’m ready to hear about his adventures. I’m ready to listen to more hunting and fishing stories. I’m ready for the excitement in his voice when he finds the perfect fishing spot. I’m ready to bake his favorite brownies when he comes home on the weekend.

I could worry about it or I could embrace it. I had to make my own mistakes. I had to fall and pick myself up. He will have to do the same. I have to release control. I have to trust. I will continue to cover him in prayer. I will float between “ready” and “not ready” for the rest of this year… maybe longer. There is a lot I wasn’t prepared for in motherhood. Letting go is one of them.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. To all you moms of seniors, cheers to a great senior year. To any seniors reading, give your mommas some grace and patience. We want the best for you, but we still see that cute little kindergartener when we look in your eyes. And we love you more than you will ever know. (Unless you have kids of your own… and then you will realize the depths of our love for you.) And some day, you too may be ready, not ready, ready.

Silver & searching for Narnia…

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25 years ago, I was putting last minute wedding plans in place, prepping for the groom’s dinner and rehearsal, and probably driving everyone around me crazy. Our 25th anniversary is coming up this week. I remember my mom and dad’s 25th. We had a party at Oxbow country club. For our 25th, I was hoping to go somewhere fun… maybe go back to Vegas for the National Finals Rodeo in December or find a relaxing beach vacation. That was before COVID. Instead, we went to a church camp for the weekend with our kids. I don’t want to underplay the significance. I know not everyone makes it to 25. It’s just not really my dream silver anniversary trip. Or was it?

We arrived at the Bible camp Friday afternoon and unpacked to our cabin. This is the 2nd time we’ve stayed away from our house since February. They had lots of safety precautions in place. We spent lots of time outside too. We decided to go for a hike. It was close to 90 and 98% humidity and we forgot to bring bug spray with us. It was a “moderate” hiking trail, which was obviously graded by an experienced hiker (I thought it was advanced). Oh, and we got LOST. Boys and I almost missed supper. After that hike the boys decided their hiking time was done. No more hikes for them.

Saturday, we played games, swam, went on a wagon ride and had lunch. There was a hike after lunch (with a guide) called the Narnia hike. The boys were not up for that. They played basketball and pool instead. Cam and I decided to go. Well, HE decided and I went with. This time, we brought bug spray, the map, and we had a guide. A 3/4 mile hike in to the area they call Narnia. The guide sounded super excited about it. We walked off the trail into the pine and evergreen trees. “This is Narnia,” she exclaimed.

“Narnia”

I almost laughed out loud. It’s our back yard. We hiked all this way for our back yard. We see this every day.

Our back yard

We texted the Narnia picture to the boys. They would have been soooo annoyed to hike all that way for our back yard view. As we made our way back to camp, Cam said, “So, sometimes what you are searching for is right at home.” (Sometimes he is wise) Yes, sometimes what we search for is right in front of us. It might be within ourselves, in our home or with our loved ones. Did we need a fancy trip to celebrate our 25th? Nope. We just needed our family. We needed a private cabin with crummy WiFi and a peaceful camp. Oh, and I didn’t have to cook! We played games: pool, ping pong, air hockey, foosball, basketball, tennis, Battleship, checkers, Sequence, Farmopoly and cards. My Narnia is here every day. It might not always feel magical, but it can be.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you find your Narnia right in your own back yard.

What sparks a memory…

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The picture above is of “pie crust things.” Something delicious that never got a proper name. When my mom baked pies, she would cut off the outer edges, place them on a cookie sheet and sprinkle with sugar & cinnamon. I loved the pies but I looked forward to this tasty treat just as much. It was also a good way to see if your crust was going to be good- kind of like a preview. I vividly remember talking with someone about the pie crust things and they looked at me like I was from Mars. I instantly realized this was not something everyone did. I clammed up, thinking my experience was wrong instead of just different. Most people throw that part away I guess? I can’t imagine.

There is something about these pie crust things that make me think about my childhood. I love the way the house smells when a pie is in the oven. I love the flaky tender pie crust, still warm on the cookie sheet. I remember my dad saying, “This is the best apple pie I’ve had all month” (or insert time frame since the last one.) It’s amazing to me how food can bring back a flood of emotions. Perhaps that’s why I struggle so much with my food relationship. There are certain things I don’t want to let go of. Some things that bring up strong memories:

  • BBBats candy reminds me of being “good” at the doctor or dentist and getting a treat.
  • Blue raspberry popsicles remind me of summer in general.
  • Chick-o-stick candy reminds me of the swimming pool concession stand and of my sister, since this was one of her favorites.
  • Kuchen makes me think of my mom’s side of the family and their great treats.
  • Ginger snaps remind me of my dad’s mom and the tiny cookies she would make at Christmas.
  • Duck with orange sauce reminds me of family birthday dinners at home. I don’t think we went out to eat for birthdays, but we could pick our meal at home.
  • Red velvet cake reminds me of my childhood friend whose mother would make it for her birthday every year.
  • Circle cinnamon crimp bread make me think of a treat from the grocery store.

Clearly, I don’t have this food relationship thing figured out yet. Also, there are some things that you think you love, only to find out it’s not the same. This happened recently with brats from our old grocery store. We remembered them being our favorite. We had them recently & we both agreed they were “ok.” Our memory of them was a higher standard than the real thing.

Perhaps it’s more of a harmony/balance type thing – small amounts that bring those comforting memories, without over-doing it. I’m not sure. If you’re on a journey of self acceptance, change and balance all in one, I’m there with you. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Oh, and if you’ve never tried the pie crust thing, give it a try. It’s a game changer!

Empty Nest?

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This is a baby sparrow. It fell out of the nest in an evergreen tree behind our house. The little ball of fluff sat motionless in the grass. Somehow, our son noticed it before the cat did. When we got close it it, the mom freaked out. She chirped loudly and tried to fly at my head. She knew her baby wasn’t ready to fly on its own yet, but she couldn’t lift it back to the nest. She brought food to it and tried to make noise to scare off any danger. Empty nest… we refer to people as “empty nesters” when their kids(s) leave home. I feel like sometimes we can be like that momma bird, wanting to protect and shelter our young. 18 years can seem like forever when you’re the kid, but it’s a blink of the eye for the parents.

I have one more year with both boys still “in the nest.” A year from now, I will have had a graduation. This year, graduations looked different. Empty nests became full again. Plans changed, and were revised, and changed again. We have no idea what the coming school year will look like. Some nests will remain full and some will empty again. Letting go is difficult. I’m not ready to, but I know it’s important. Hold on too tight & they will go wild when they’re on their own. Lack of structure isn’t good either though. Responsibilities and consequences are important too.

For now, I will soak it up like a sponge, but still let them experience life. Sometimes I really do feel like I’m in the middle of a teeter totter, trying to keep my balance. Someone once told me they prefer the word “harmony” instead of “balance.” Harmony sounds so much smoother and musical and peaceful. Balance makes me think of the teeter totter. Are you old enough to remember getting the wind knocked out of you when someone jumped off? I am. Let’s focus on harmony instead.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Whether you’re an empty nester, have a full nest, or somewhere in between, I hope you stay connected to those you love. We’ve had to get more creative, learn new technologies (Zoom) and even go back to some old ways (letter writing.) Stay safe, stay healthy. You are enough.