I had an entirely different post planned. I’d written part of it, then I saw a post from a friend of ours. 5 years ago, they lost their son to suicide. (He was the same age as our oldest son) It’s also mental health awareness month, so I figured I should switch gears. Mental health isn’t something someone else has. We all do. We all have our own mental health differences, just like our physical bodies aren’t all the same. Mental health struggles impact more people than you might be aware of. It has impacted us.

Two years ago, I got a call from our oldest son. He was in his freshman year at Montana State, 13 hours from home. He moved there not knowing anyone and his roommate was about to drop out. He was going to school and working part time. He had gone to fraternity rush but wasn’t accepted. When he called, he has been in the ER. He told me that he called campus police because he was worried about what he would do. Actually, someone else called campus police and found him, bleeding. We had talked about it because of Robbie. I had hoped he would have reached out. I went numb. I didn’t know what to do. Do I fly out there? Do I drive? Then what? I told my boss I needed some time for a personal matter and I went for a walk. I sat on the dock by the lake and sobbed. Thankful he was found. Terrified it would happen again. I felt lost, alone and like a failure. What could I have done differently? This wasn’t about me.

He didn’t want to miss work, so he still went. He got in trouble for being late. If they only knew. From outward appearances, he was fine. He had been so depressed that he was not sleeping. He would wander around campus until 3am and still make it to work and class. After that day, he went to campus counseling, but just didn’t find a connection with the right person. She did tell him that hunting would be ok since he enjoyed being out in nature. He had to talk to the campus counselor and to the police in order to get his guns back to be able to hunt. He decided to drop out after the first semester. He started working full time instead. There is a stigma attached to dropping out of college. One that shouldn’t exist. It’s not right for you? Good for you to recognize that before spending almost $200k in tuition and being miserable the whole time.

He calls me (almost) daily. I still worry about him, but I feel more confident that he would reach out again before it’s too late. Too often we aren’t aware of people’s struggles. It’s not easy to talk about. It’s necessary though. Even if we think people “seem fine.” It’s OK to not be OK, but it is not OK not to tell someone. He knows that now. He’s in a better frame of mind. He has a core group of friends, a dog, and he does a lot of hunting and fishing.

That fall, he showed people what they wanted to see… a friendly, talkative guy. I asked him today what would have made him give an honest answer instead of “fine.” He said, “Probably someone looking me in the eyes and saying that they cared and I didn’t really seem fine. Someone to push for the truth instead of a fake answer.”

This isn’t a story many people know. Many family members will be shocked. I’m sorry you heard about it this way. It’s not something that’s easy for a parent to bring up either.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Your are needed. You are worthy. You are loved. If you feel you, or someone you know is in crisis, 988 is the suicide and crisis line. You can also text 741741 for free crisis counseling. For resources on teen mental health, go to https://Robbie’s-hope.com.