Tag: #memories

Silver & searching for Narnia…

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25 years ago, I was putting last minute wedding plans in place, prepping for the groom’s dinner and rehearsal, and probably driving everyone around me crazy. Our 25th anniversary is coming up this week. I remember my mom and dad’s 25th. We had a party at Oxbow country club. For our 25th, I was hoping to go somewhere fun… maybe go back to Vegas for the National Finals Rodeo in December or find a relaxing beach vacation. That was before COVID. Instead, we went to a church camp for the weekend with our kids. I don’t want to underplay the significance. I know not everyone makes it to 25. It’s just not really my dream silver anniversary trip. Or was it?

We arrived at the Bible camp Friday afternoon and unpacked to our cabin. This is the 2nd time we’ve stayed away from our house since February. They had lots of safety precautions in place. We spent lots of time outside too. We decided to go for a hike. It was close to 90 and 98% humidity and we forgot to bring bug spray with us. It was a “moderate” hiking trail, which was obviously graded by an experienced hiker (I thought it was advanced). Oh, and we got LOST. Boys and I almost missed supper. After that hike the boys decided their hiking time was done. No more hikes for them.

Saturday, we played games, swam, went on a wagon ride and had lunch. There was a hike after lunch (with a guide) called the Narnia hike. The boys were not up for that. They played basketball and pool instead. Cam and I decided to go. Well, HE decided and I went with. This time, we brought bug spray, the map, and we had a guide. A 3/4 mile hike in to the area they call Narnia. The guide sounded super excited about it. We walked off the trail into the pine and evergreen trees. “This is Narnia,” she exclaimed.

“Narnia”

I almost laughed out loud. It’s our back yard. We hiked all this way for our back yard. We see this every day.

Our back yard

We texted the Narnia picture to the boys. They would have been soooo annoyed to hike all that way for our back yard view. As we made our way back to camp, Cam said, “So, sometimes what you are searching for is right at home.” (Sometimes he is wise) Yes, sometimes what we search for is right in front of us. It might be within ourselves, in our home or with our loved ones. Did we need a fancy trip to celebrate our 25th? Nope. We just needed our family. We needed a private cabin with crummy WiFi and a peaceful camp. Oh, and I didn’t have to cook! We played games: pool, ping pong, air hockey, foosball, basketball, tennis, Battleship, checkers, Sequence, Farmopoly and cards. My Narnia is here every day. It might not always feel magical, but it can be.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you find your Narnia right in your own back yard.

5 year goals…

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January is typically resolution/goal setting/vision board time. Have you ever been asked. “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” For many years, I didn’t know how to answer that question. The idea that I had no clue what the next 5 years was going to bring kind of scared me. Why couldn’t I envision the next 5 years? Why didn’t I have 5 year goals? I honestly worried at times that perhaps I wasn’t going to be around in the next 5 years and that’s why I couldn’t see it.

I worried about it when we were first married- what would the next 5 years bring? The first 5 years brought no children… would the next 5?

I worried about it when I first started my full-time job. Where would the next 5 years take me? I was asked to set long term goals but I didn’t know what I wanted to do.

I worried about it when I was pregnant for the second time. “The baby had a 2 vessel umbilical cord instead of 3.” What would the next 5 years bring? (Spoiler alert, he is fine)

And, I worried about it when I had cancer. What would the next 5 years look like? What treatment would I have? What were my odds? How would my family cope?

Next Tuesday marks 5 years from surgery. 5 years from when the surgeon said, “We got it all.” 5 years from when they said, “Her lymph nodes are clear.” 5 years from when I wore pink gloves to my surgery and afterwards told my husband that I was ready to bust out of there.

I’m writing about it now instead of next week because I feel like I need to honor this milestone. So much has changed in 5 years. It seems like such a short time, and yet it seems life times ago. It often feels like a bad dream, but one that shaped me into who I am today. 5 years ago, people prayed for me and they didn’t know me or hadn’t spoken to me in years. 5 years ago, I had no idea where I would be today. 5 years from today, so much more will change. God willing, I’ll have 21 & 18 year olds and a whole new chapter will be unfolding.

5 years can go by in a blink. Some days I feel like I’m making the most of it, and other days I struggle. I do have some regrets: I wish I would have spent more time on the floor with my kids. I wish I would have played more games and come home earlier. I wish I would have made date night a priority. I wish I would have taken time for self care and not felt like it was selfish (it’s NOT selfish). The list could go on, but it won’t. Today, I lay down those regrets knowing that my kids and husband love me anyway… flaws and all.

Next Tuesday, I will acknowledge the day, but it will be with gratitude & not fear. Do you have 5 year goals? Good for you! Do you have no idea what the next 5 years will bring? Good for you too! I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May your next 5 years be filled with all the things they’re supposed to have, whether you know it now or not.

Stop it…

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I’d like to send a message to doctors & to ladies. Doctors: Stop telling women they don’t need a mammogram. Just stop. Stop saying it’s not needed until 40 or 50 years old. Just stop. I was 41. Two of my friends were also 41. If I hadn’t had a baseline done years prior, they might have dismissed the findings. They might have told me to wait and see if it changed. I heard someone tell the story about their doctor who told them they should just “wait and see” if things changed in 6 months. My cancer grew from nothing to stage 1 in 12 months. I’m so glad I didn’t have to wait until it progressed to stage 2 or 3 or 4.

My friend told me her Doctor said she didn’t need a mammogram even though it was covered by insurance. Thankfully, she didn’t take “no” for an answer. She at least has a baseline to compare others to. Hopefully she never needs it, but it’s there and could possibly save her life.

Ladies, stop. Stop making excuses.

  1. You’re busy. I get it. We are all busy.
  2. You’re scared of having a mammogram. Being told you have cancer is scary. Telling your kids that their mom has cancer is scary.
  3. It hurts. Guess what? Having surgery hurts. It hurts longer than the 45 seconds of having your boob squished for a mammogram. Catching it early makes the treatment less invasive.

My mother-in-law had breast cancer shortly after we were married (more than 20 years ago.) A few years ago, she stopped going in for regular check ups. She stopped putting herself first. We aren’t sure why, and now we won’t get the chance to ask her. She was 70. She didn’t make it to her 71st birthday. She won’t see her grandkids graduate high school or get married. Last Friday we lit a luminaria bag in her memory at our Relay for Life event.

Our Relay for Life is one of the largest in MN. I was co-captain last year and team captain this year. We raise funds all year and our Relay night is 8 hrs long. We don’t go through the night anymore… not enough people stayed that long. I think that’s common for several Relay events. People have other commitments during their short summer. It is a powerful, emotional night. People of all ages wearing purple “survivor” t-shirts walk the survivor lap. I thought for a moment “maybe I shouldn’t go or be involved…. maybe it’s not a big deal.” And then I thought of my mother-in-law, my aunt, my friend’s wife… and I realized it’s a big deal.

My husband took a picture of the survivor on the back of my shirt. At first I thought it was silly, but it’s one of my favorite pictures of the night. My good friend decorated a bag for me with a cat that looks like ours and some chickens in clothes… perfect. It gets to be in honor of me and not in memory.

In general, please stop thinking that being survivor is not a big deal. I have a friend from a recent retreat who is traveling all over the United States to try and find a cure, a solution… something to buy some more time. Life isn’t guaranteed. We don’t know our end date. Supporting the American Cancer Society helps to fund research, provide rooms or travel assistance or valet parking.

It’s a subject that gets me fired up. I am passionate about prevention. If one person gets checked because of this awareness, it’s worth it. Mammograms don’t only happen in October. You can get checked anytime.

Stop and watch a sunset. Stop and smell some flowers (they don’t have to be roses). Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you stop doubting, procrastinating or worrying and start living.

I can still hear her laugh…

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5 years ago last week, my last grandparent passed away… my mom’s mother. My grandma celebrated 95 years on this earth. She was a mother to 10 kids, and a wife to the same man until his death in 2006. I don’t have as many young memories of my grandparents as my sisters do. They are 7 & 9 years older than me and were some of the first grandkids. They remember visits to the farm. I remember a few Christmases there. I remember one Christmas when my younger cousins threw hangers at me in the spare bedroom. My uncle came in to scold them & he was my hero from then on. I remember sleeping in my Crayons sleeping bag by the tree. I remember their big table full of people. I remember the upstairs where my mom and her siblings grew up. I remember the “creepy basement” where my uncles sometimes had fox furs from trapping. I remember that she had a drawer of goodies… candies, marshmallows, chocolate chips etc. It was a drawer the grandkids would sneak a treat from and she’d just wink. And her laugh. I’ll never forget her laugh.

After my grandpa passed away, we were sure she wouldn’t be far behind. They were soul mates. They were the kind of grandparents who held hands and smiled at each other with love. The kind of grandparents you would look at and say, “That’s what I want when I am older.” I want someone to help me up out of my chair, to make sure my favorite treat was in the house and to play cards with me and my widow lady friends. They had a tough life. They lived through the depression. They weren’t rich financially, but they were rich in love. Their family gatherings just kept growing, as more kids were married, added children of their own, and even grandkids. I have over 20 cousins, several of whom are married and have kids of their own. We have a reunion coming up, and we will have almost 90 people attending, and there are 35 who cannot make it.

I think it’s awesome when kids can think of their grandparents and smile. The things they will remember might surprise you. I remember my grandma’s chicken shaped cookie jar but I don’t remember the chickens. I remember her white, curly hair and her crochet angels. I remember when they moved to town and we would play cards in the basement. I remember their big freezer always had ice cream treats. I think of her often, and always with fondness. Even when she would tell goofy stories or not fully know who we were, she was still in there. It was more difficult to see her that way, but when I remember her, I remember the fun little things.

I hope it’s that same way for me someday. I hope someday I’ll have grandkids (but not for a while). I hope I’ll be goofy and fun and do the things I wished I would have done with my kids… play more games, eat dessert first, laugh more. Maybe they’ll remember my curly hair, or my treat drawer (just like my grandma Lil’s). On your journey of enough, I hope you have some warm memories to make you smile. I still can get my grandma’s laugh, 5 years after she passed. Hold onto the good memories. Listen in the silence for the laughter of your loved ones. They’d love to hear you laugh too!

Not just “another day”…

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4 years = 1826 days. 4 years ago, I thought that I’d never forget April 8th. While I never forget that I had cancer, it took my Facebook memories to jog my mind regarding April 8th’s true meaning. Monday seemed like just another Monday, but it wasn’t. 4 years ago, I rang the bell at Roger Maris Cancer Center, signifying the end of active treatment for breast cancer. 4 years ago, I stood with my family and friends while strangers watched me ring the bell. Perhaps it gave hope to someone just starting their journey, that they too can make it to that point – the bell ringing day. I gave my phone to someone to take pictures. I’m so glad I did. I want to remember the image of that strong, but scared 41 yr old. I want to remember the look on my husband’s face of pride and relief. I want to remember how small my boys were.

It’s a big deal. I still carry the card in my wallet from that day. I don’t want April 8th to be just another day. Why? Because not everyone sees 4 years go by. I don’t want to take that for granted. “Easy cancer” or not, cancer is still cancer. Fighting to make sure it’s gone and stays gone takes effort, determination, strength and luck. It shouldn’t be underestimated. It should be celebrated. So I ran over to our grocery store and bought these pink flowers for myself. (4 kinds/colors of pink and white) and some cookies for my co-workers. (I know I should have gotten fruit or something more healthy, but cookies are fun.)

It will likely be a day where the details fade over time, but the memory of ringing the bell still stays. Do you have an event that changed your life? How do you remember or celebrate it? In what ways has it shaped your life from that point on? I want my kids to know I’m not perfect. There are things I would have done differently, but those things also taught me lessons. Ladies (and men), listen up:

  • You’re “only” 41? Cancer doesn’t care. Get checked.
  • No direct relatives with breast cancer? Cancer doesn’t care. Get checked.
  • Your family depends on you? Cancer doesn’t care. Get checked.
  • You are flat chested, big chested or even male? Cancer doesn’t care. Get checked.

Cancer is a jerk, it doesn’t care. Monday was not just another day. It was a reminder about life being short. So eat the cookie, but go for a walk. Love the body that is home to your soul. Hug your kids, even the teens. Tell those who love and support you just how much they mean to you. We aren’t guaranteed our tomorrows. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. You are always enough. Sometimes I feel like too much, but it’s always just enough.

Be IN the picture…

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This is a picture of me and my boys at the first Cross Country race they did together. As I snapped a picture of just the two of them, another mom said, “Do you want me to take a picture with you too?” “Yes! Yes, I do!” It’s something we do too little of. I know I’m not the first person to write about this, but it needs to be repeated. A lot…Until all of us moms get IN the picture!!

Tonight there is a family going through photo albums. They are gathering pictures for an upcoming funeral. How many pictures do you think they will find with her in them? How many times was the mom behind the camera instead of in the pictures? How many times did she feel not thin enough, not pretty enough, not dressed up enough, not “put together” enough? Those moments can’t be re-done. We cannot get them back. The pictures spark the memories and without them, we miss out on some reminders. We miss out on silly moments. We miss out on a gift to give our kids & grandkids… a glimpse of US.

There is a picture on my desk of me & the boys in our back yard having s’mores. I had been working outside, I was dirty and too many pounds overweight. But the photo hangs on my wall. My boys don’t care. They just loved having s’mores together.

I’m not a scrapbooker, but I do make Shutterfly books when I can. They love to look through them, but it’s mostly of them. I need to be OK with being in the picture instead of just being the one holding the camera. I need to remember that I am enough to my kids, my family and my loved ones. I want them to have so many pictures of me when my time comes, that there are too many to choose from.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough…and get IN the picture!!