Tag: #memories

Time for presence…

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Recently, we went to Stuttgart, Arkansas for the World Duck Calling Championships. Did I know this existed previously? Not really. When our son got the chance to go and represent Montana did I block off my calendar and hit the road? Yep! Did I know what a champion duck caller should sound like? Nope.

If you know me at all, you know I’m a planner. I’m an actual planner as a job, but also a planner in general – family trips, events, graduations, showers, weddings – you name it, I love to plan it. But for this trip, there was a lot of unknowns. How early should we get there? Would he be hunting? Would we leave the town? What was there to do in the town? I wasn’t sure, and this trip was not about me, Cam or Myles – it was about Dallas. Our sole purpose was to be there to support him and watch him call on a World Champion Stage. So I tried my best to not plan. Of course I had to get a hotel, but the nicer one was booked so we ended up at the Days Inn. Since Stuttgart has 9,000 people, our choices were limited. Also needed a hotel in Memphis for a night because he flew in late. Traveling the week of Thanksgiving is the most expensive time to fly, so we flew him on Monday to Memphis and Myles on Wednesday into Little Rock. Flights? Check. Hotel? Check. Car gassed up? Check.

This was one of the very few times I’ve been on vacation and actually left my computer at home. I laid out exactly what was needed to cover for me while I was gone for 8 days. Lately I have been working weekends and nights also since I deal with international customers, so being gone from Sunday to the following Monday was a bigger challenge than normal. I was determined to make it work. It was Thanksgiving, my birthday and the World Duck Calling on my agenda. I didn’t even have hotels for our driving part of the trip! I knew we couldn’t do 16+ hrs driving in a day so we’d have to split it up. Both ways I reserved the hotel rooms the day of, from the car. Look at me being all spontaneous!

Dallas made it to Memphis late Monday, and we left on Tues to head to Stuttgart. First stop, the outdoor store, of course. We wandered around the store as he talked waders and duck calls and learned some tips from someone who had been in the championship before. I’m a little surprised they didn’t kick us out for loitering. Presence. That’s what I was there for. This was important for him, so I tried to observe and listen. We also got to visit the duck call shop who made his call. He learned some more tips.

Wednesday we visited the local museum, learned more about ducks and rice, found a Wal-Mart and had some great food (catfish, crawfish tails and duck gumbo). Cam and Dallas played a few rounds of pool on the pool tables with Sitka brand logo. Presence. Slow and unplanned, but the gears in his head were churning – how would he do? What could or should he change? One of the hardest things as a parent is when you cannot fix or help. I had no advice and my cheerleading just made it worse. Myles flight was also delayed Wednesday night so it was 2:30am when we got back to the hotel. Dallas had made it back not too much before we did (takes a lot of willpower to remain sober amongst drunk duck hunters).

Thursday was Thanksgiving & we were invited for prime rib. They said we could bring a side dish. Um, most everything is closed – even Wal-Mart. There was a Dollar General that was open so we went there and found enough ingredients to make a couple of “Minnesota salads” – cookie salad and cherry cracker salad (but also had to purchase bowls to put them in, spoons and can opener etc). The food was delicious and we watched football but didn’t know anyone. Dallas had met the Sitka rep when he was blowing out sprinklers in Bozeman, and that’s how we ended up at their Thanksgiving. Most everything was closed in town so we were thankful for the invite.

Friday morning, very early, he was able to go on the hunt of a lifetime. Duck hunting in Arkansas the week of World Duck Calling Championships & with a hunting brand he loves. They got some birds that were used for duck gumbo. It helps to have butcher shop experience! He had never hunted the swampy area before so it was a fun day. When he got back, I was expecting him to have a ton of pictures. He had one video and said that hunt was as for him – he didn’t need the pictures, he wanted to be present. While he was doing that, the three of us went to Little Rock and shopped a bit. Dallas called on Friday in the Last Chance competition to try and get some nerves out of the way. (It might have made it worse) We went to the caller’s BBQ supper, which was delicious but 1,000 miles out of my comfort zone. Luckily we had talked to some chamber folks earlier and they said we could all come with him since we were from so far away etc. My attempts to cheer him up failed, so I tried to just be present.

Saturday was the big day. It had been in the mid 50’s, but the weather turned colder and rainy. The temps in the low 40’s with the rain impacts the call and also the mindset. 62 contestants got ready for the World Stage. The judges cannot see the contestants so they don’t know who anyone is. They drew numbers for calling order. He drew #1. Being the first caller for your first time is the worst place to be. He tried his best but didn’t advance. He did meet a lot of new people, learned some tips, made connections and got to do his duck call on a stage that few get to stand on.

Sunday morning, we packed the 4 of us, all of the luggage and headed towards Memphis for them to fly back home. Cam and I made our way back on some icy roads, but we arrived back on Monday. I also don’t take many pictures, which is unusual for me. I have videos of his calling events and a couple of pictures from the trip. Even though the 4 of us were together, we only took one “family” picture in the Baskin Robins having ice cream for my birthday treat. I just wanted to be around my three favorite people. Presence.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading about our little journey to Arkansas and back. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you find time for presence in the season of presents.

Bday ice cream and our only family pictures
Saturdays World Campion Duck Calling Competition
Phot from Stuttgart Chamber of Commerce (Sat)

Cookies & fresh starts…

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I looked back at my published posts, and I haven’t written since August. I have drafts, but never published. I have things started, but lacked the confidence. Where do I begin? What do I explain? It’s been so long.

But as I was walking to the mailbox in the rain, a whole series of paragraphs flooded my mind. And, I decided it was time. Ready or not.

I made cookies for my husband’s birthday. I’ve made cakes or lemon bars in the past, but raisin cookies are his favorite. The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg filled the house and I started thinking about cookies, and how they mean something different to me than they do to most people.

Most people probably don’t think much about them. But when I think about cookies, I have a mix of emotions & memories. I remember baking cookies with my mom. I remember the special mixing fork she used (never a stand/hand mixer), the homemade frosting for sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and without, tiny gingersnaps and the people we shared them with. I remember all of the times my boys stood on a chair with their tiny aprons, helping to mix cookies, sneaking a bite of dough, dumping a whole container of sprinkles, decorating sugar cookies and saving some chocolate chips off to the side.

Cookies bring me joy. They are like a hug in the form of a treat. I’d bake when I was frustrated, as a way to calm down. I’d bake to bring treats for the kids or to a friend. As the years passed, the boys learned to bake on their own too. Last year, Myles made almost all of the treats for the Farmer’s Market. Dallas has made brownies and pies, much to the surprise of his roommates.

Cookies also bring me guilt & shame. As a T2 diabetic, I know I shouldn’t be eating them. The lower sugar or artificial sugar ones just don’t taste the same. I think I’ve only made cookies once since Christmas, so I cannot blame them on my weight. And my blood sugar has stayed remarkably “in range” despite the added pounds. I’m not exactly sure how to get past the guilt part. It’s a work in progress. Maybe I just need to focus on the joy that they bring to me and to others.

My fresh start is to get back to writing. Even for a brief while… if nothing else, just for me. It’s not something that will bring me fame or fortune, just peace. And I will probably have a cookie with my coffee.

OOO…

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I’m going to attempt to be “OOO” = Out Of Office this weekend for the long weekend. Work has been crazy ever since I started my new job. Although it may seem like I’ve been on several adventures, work stress never leaves and I’m often online early mornings or later evenings. I’ve been in “fight or flight” mode since April. I’m pretty sure my cortisol levels are not healthy.

I really can’t believe that it’s the end of August. Our youngest started school on Monday at the Technical College, but it’s also his senior year in high school. We recently took a trip to MT to see our other son. We had a great time and quite a few unique experiences. This month has been filled with work, travel, canning, family surgery, more canning and more work. August will end with a trip to Seattle… without my computer!

Why Seattle? Why not?! We have not been there before, August is the least rainy month in Seattle, and if I don’t force myself to leave work behind, I might snap. We will do a quick 2 full days of tourist things and then fly back. Driving there is not on my bucket list and we are under time constraints. I have my notebook of ideas (no spreadsheets this time, uncle Brian), some suggestions from friends and the advice of strangers in a “Seattle tourism” Facebook group. Will I still worry about work? Probably. But I will not be checking emails or capacity charts or batch numbers for almost 4 days.

Life is short. You’ve seen the stories & heard about people who wait for retirement before they have their adventures only to get them cut short by health issues or other things. I’m not waiting. I’m having experiences while I can. I’m grabbing those 4 day weekends, skipping a farmers market or two and seeing something new. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. I don’t currently have the mental capacity to work on my Copywriting dream or write my next book. I’m just trying to hang on. I’ve lost friends, had strained relationships and have not been kind to myself in the last few years. I’m not the same. I’ve shifted timelines but I don’t think I am done shifting yet. I feel like there is more. There is more to life than work and there are more changes to come.

Even though I haven’t written much in the last few months, life sure has been going at full speed. Tonight we did 32 jars of hot salsa and 35 jars of pickles (& I had an hour conference call). Sometime before Friday at noon, I’ll throw some things in a suitcase and call it good. If I forget something, Seattle has stores. For almost 4 days, I will be OOO. I’ll report back if you’d like to hear about it. Travel blogger is on my someday/wish list. I just don’t think people vacation hard like we do. We try to cram as much in as we can. Maybe there is a market for it though?? We’ll see.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. And yes, our journey will include coffee from the original Starbucks (even though we prefer our local coffee shop with my favorite barista).

Comfort stars…

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I can’t tell you how many bowls of chicken noodle soup I’ve had in my lifetime, but I can tell you for sure that number of bowls consumed while sick far outweighs the bowls I’ve had when I felt well. From Lipton noodle soup to Campbell’s Chicken & Stars, those were the traditional comfort foods when I had a cold or didn’t feel well. (And of course, some saltine crackers.)

It’s interesting how many emotions can be stirred up by different foods. Often we think of celebrations, traditions, highs or lows. We might be able to remember the sweet or savory tastes and smells while being transported back in time. Having chicken & stars soup tonight made me think of our old green and gold sofa. As I sat on my own gold/yellow sofa, I thought of all of the times my mom made soup for me when I was sick. There may be some negative food related memories, but for me, they were mostly positive.

I had a health coach tell me to remove the emotion from food, and just see it as fuel for the body. I wasn’t very successful with that concept. Even “mindless snacking” is often a form of self soothing/comfort. Sharing food or cooking and baking for someone is often an expression of love. It’s a form of gift giving, by sharing your talents and resources. It’s one of the things that brings me joy. While I don’t necessarily have fancy or expensive taste, I do appreciate good food. I also gravitate to the foods that are tied to a memory of a person or an event.

Now that I’m physically back in the office half of the time, I’m sure my cubicle neighbor thinks a goat moved in next door since I do like to snack. Surprisingly, I think I snacked less when my kitchen was 30 feet from my office. Maybe I’ll incorporate some comfort snacks into my desk drawer stash. For tonight, I’ll have my “comfort stars” in hopes of warding off a cold.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. What are some of your favorite comfort foods? Which ones bring you back to a special birthday or celebration? Do you have a family tradition or a favorite dish your grandma made?

Get Lost…

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Last week, we went on a family vacation. It was spring break for our son and a pause between school activities, so the time was right. I didn’t track how many miles we put on the rental car, but we walked 25-30,000 steps per day. We had great weather despite the forecast and only had rain one day. We went through 4 states: Nevada, Utah, California and Arizona…3 different hotels… 2 time zones, 2 national parks and 1 state park. We didn’t get lost, or at least not so lost that we couldn’t find our way back.

You’ve seen the posts about life being short, “Take the trip,” or “Eat the cake,” or “Use the fancy dishes for a Tuesday.” I tend to not use my fancy dishes mainly because they don’t go in the dishwasher, but I do love cake and I do love to travel. Pro tip: do NOT watch the Boeing documentary and then fly on the exact planes that they talk about in the documentary. It’s a little unsettling. But we made it there and back – no doors or wheels fell off and I am very thankful!

My someday is now. I’m not waiting until I retire to travel and have adventures. I use all of my vacation time each year. I can’t recall a trip or adventure that I regret. Even the ones that were not so good allow me to appreciate the good ones even more. The time we went camping and it was -40 degrees with no running water with only an outhouse and I ended up with influenza…. NOT fun, but memorable! On this trip, we had some very crummy pizza at the Zion lodge for lunch, but it made us super thankful for our amazing pizza at Trevi in the Cesar’s Forum shops Vegas (also get the mozzarella- it is AMAZING!) I don’t think you have to have something bad to appreciate something good, but sometimes the contrast is a good reminder.

We hiked, we saw family, we went to a show, we shopped, rode the bus, we saw breathtaking views and had some great (& some not so great) food. While looking up from the bottom of the canyon in Zion at the massively huge rocks and the waterfalls finding their way down the side, I felt so small. From the top of the rocks looking out over the landscape, I also felt small. From far away, you could see people on the trails who looked like ants, yet you could hear the peaceful rushing water, the bird singing and the sound of the wind through the canyon. It was like a hug from Mother Nature, asking you to pause and take a deep breath. Watching the sun come up over the canyon at just the right time was hard to describe… it was there for an instant with oranges and reds, then the clouds moved in and it was gone. The snow covered peaks now surrounded in clouds as the bright colors muted in the daylight.

I could write a whole chapter on our week long adventure, but I’ll keep this shorter. I agree that life is short. My bonus could have gone to some bills, but instead I traded it for memories. Along the way, we found coins that held meaning – our other son’s birth year and graduation year along with my mom’s birth year, the year I was diagnosed with cancer and some others. Constant reminders of those we love and the things we’ve overcome.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. And, if you do get lost, be sure to find your way back. You’re needed here.

Weren’t you just 10 yesterday?

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Time really does fly by. Do I write about it every year? Well, it’s true. Seems like my oldest boy was just 10 or just 5, but now he’s turning 21. No longer a little boy with a buzz cut, now he’s a man with much longer, curly locks.

There are a few milestone birthdays, and this is one of them. I don’t think I was fully prepared to be spending so many of his birthdays without him after he turned 18. I certainly have some core memories from the day he was born and many birthdays and parties since then. A January birthday in the upper Midwest is a bit of a surprise for what the weather will be like. Cold is a pretty good bet though. 18 is another milestone and our youngest turns 18 this summer. As I see ads for senior pictures, it all makes me pause. When did my two little guys become men?

Being a parent to teens/young adults isn’t easier… it’s just a different set of worries. Instead of “Bob the Builder” or “Minecraft” t shirts, it’s welding work boots for one and suits for the other. Instead of “Hot Wheels” races, it’s actual fender benders with trucks and cars. Sleepless nights with babies changes into late nights waiting for them to get home, or talking on the phone later because one of them is a time zone ahead.

I love these two humans more than they can comprehend… more than I say. One day they might understand if they chose to have kids. Either way, I will love them through their highs and lows, loves and heartaches, triumphs and disappointments and everything in between. It’s the silly little stuff they remember- not always the grand gestures, big gifts or trips. As long as they know that I’m their safe space, their home base, their unconditional fan…. I’ll be happy.

So, happy birthday to my legal adult son. I’d say “don’t over do it,” but I know better. Be safe. Thank you for still calling your mom. I love getting to share in the details of your life.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I’m thankful for the passage of time… it means I’m still here!

Empty, full or none at all?

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Happy Holidays! For me, I celebrate Christmas but I also respect the fact that there are many different holidays this time of year. Last night we went to a Rock & Roll Christmas program. It was fun – they put traditional songs to rock music. We are picking up our son tonight and will travel this weekend to see more family. After a year of many health issues for my family, I’m thankful we can be together. We will miss out on seeing my in-laws since some are in AZ and some in NC.

I’ve seen a lot of articles about moms not having Christmas stockings. I can honestly say I don’t have one. But neither does my husband. Neither of us have one, in fact I don’t think we have the whole time we have been married. I’m fine with it. I feel bad if it’s one sided but since neither of us have one, it doesn’t really matter to me. Quite honestly, I stink at gift giving to my hubby anyway. For everyone else, I usually do well. Not for him… something I think will be great goes unused. Not having to figure out stocking gifts for him is one less thing on my holiday “to do” list.

Much of the holiday “burden” typically falls on the mom. Planning, gift buying/wrapping, organizing, meal planning/prep/making, decorating, cleaning before and after, making sure the cards are sent, all the relatives have gifts, shipping packages in time, and trying to create magical core memories. We are also probably working full time, might have used up our vacation so we don’t have a holiday break, we might have put on a few pounds, are trying to have grace with ourselves and keep our cool. We don’t want to miss out, take things for granted or have regrets.

Everyone is at a different place during the holidays. Some people get to be with family and friends, while others may spend it alone. There may be a full house or an empty chair at the table. There may be piles of gifts or families barely scraping by. We can’t assume we know what’s going on with someone else. It’s also not our job to judge. If you’re able, do what makes you happy and try to share some joy with someone else. Maybe you’re on the receiving end of help or compassion… that’s ok too.

My goals this holiday season are to spend time with my family, enjoy some delicious food, have a fun time playing games and laughing until my stomach hurts. I want to hug my family and frost sugar cookies with my boys who are no longer little. I want to bless a stranger and have more patience. What are your goals?

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Whether your stocking is empty, full or none at all, just make sure you’re on the same page. Have the discussion. You might be glad you did.

Experience sponge…

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It kind of looks like a computer screensaver, but it’s a photo I took at the New England Aquarium on our trip to Boston. The three of us did not press up to the glass like these starfish. I’m pretty sure too many kids had licked on it. Our trip to Boston was fun. We saw a lot of things, walked a lot of miles and needed a bunch of extra socks. The weather was great, aside from two downpours on Friday. We got completely drenched. Twice. I feel like “an experience sponge” as I tried to soak up the sights.

I’ve mentioned it before, but we don’t sit much or have downtime on our vacations. We try to see and do as much as we can. This time, we did all of the things on my list earlier than planned, so I had to quickly find some additional things to do. We walked 7-15 miles each day. We took the “hop on, hop off trolley,” the first day. It was a good way to see the city. They had a night tour, but that was pretty much the same route so it was a bit of a waste (but we did sit down). We saw many of the Freedom Trail stops. Some were interesting and others were quick visits and then on to something else. It was neat to see the USS Constitution. An amazing old ship with beautiful wood and really short ceilings & steep stairs. I imagined how sick I’d be to sleep in a hammock while on the water.

Boston Day 1. Tate bakery, Nero coffee, Trolley tour, freedom trail, USS Constitution, USS Cassin Young, Quincy Market, Bunker Hill, Faneuil Hall, Boston Tea Party tour, 🦞 seafood & “summer night trolley tour” Also drove by Fenway (country concert & lots of people.)

Boston Day 2. Continuation of the Freedom trail, 12-15 miles of walking, several inches of rain, 3 pair of socks each 😂. Went by Paul Revere house and statue, had Mike’s Pastry (thank you to those who recommended that – YUM!), saw the old North Church and Boston market- outdoor and indoor…. All before lunch. Boston Market was cool. Had some good coffee and got some treats for later. Poured rain, luckily we went in the correct door for the Massachusetts State house- the Hooker entrance 😂, it was very pretty inside. I took way more pictures of it than I thought I would. We walked through all of the Boston Public gardens (it’s free), but they didn’t have the swan boats running due to weather. Had lunch in Chinatown, it was very good. “Your cousin from Boston” Samuel Adams tour was 45 min. We took the orange subway there and back. We had beer, of course (not Myles), and also beer cheese pretzel and chips/beer cheese. We went back to Boston Market, went to little Italy/The North Side for a fish festival but it was raining again. Had gelato instead. It cleared up and we walked all along the pier & saw a double rainbow. Finished the day at Legal Seafood.

Boston day 3: New England Aquarium. The center was a large aquarium with lots of varieties of fish and turtles & rays etc. We petted some stingray. We got to see a feeding. Walked back to little Italy (which I guess is not called that – it’s called “The North Side.”) It was an amazing lunch – lobster ravioli was amazing! Then switched hotels so we walked a mile with luggage 😂 New hotel had us on the 13th floor, but we weren’t there long. Since we did the other things more quickly than planned, I added a last minute whale watching trip. I was nervous about the seasick possibility but it was good. 4 hour tour & saw lots of whales. Supper at Quincy Market. The market has a lot of shops and small food vendors. Had to get some clam chowder! (Chowder was great but the San Francisco bread bowls are better). Travel day the last day.

I feel like we did most of what I would have wanted to do. We didn’t see Harvard or Salem due to time and distance. We either walked, took an Uber or Subway instead of renting a car. That was great advice because traffic there is nuts and you have to pay to park everywhere. For now, we can cross Boston off the list and start thinking of where to go next.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Returning home meant more pickles and salsa to process, so we won’t be traveling very far for a while. College classes have started for our junior in HS and regular HS classes start Tues. Life goes by quickly. Keep your eyes open.

The end of a chapter…

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This week, I had my yearly oncology appointment in Fargo. I took the afternoon off from work and drove up there alone. I have no concerns, so I didn’t really need anyone with me. I already knew my latest MRI was clear, my A1C has been really good, and aside from some extra tummy weight – I’m in pretty good health. I don’t know how many times I’ve walked into the Roger Maris Cancer Center since December 9, 2014. It’s quite a few, that’s for sure. I honestly felt like this would be the last time. I parked my car in the ramp and I paused on the sidewalk. I asked for God to be with me and for my angels to surround and protect me. There is a lot of dense energy in a cancer center. A lot.

I checked in and took my spot in the waiting room. I glanced around the room, noting that I was still one of the youngest people there. I opened up my Colleen Hoover book and didn’t get very far before I heard her call my name. She weighed me in the hallway (which I’m not a fan of), and walked me back to the room. The last several times I’ve been there, I was in room 7. This time, I was in room 9. “Something is different today,” I said to myself with a hopeful grin. I got asked all of the standard questions and she left. My doctor came in shortly after, shook hands and opened my chart. We went through the last scans, talked about my blood sugar levels and general health. He handed me the pink gown for the last time and stepped out of the room. Nothing concerning happened during the exam. The lumpectomy site is still tender, more than 8 years later. I just avoid sleeping on my stomach. Otherwise, things were good.

“I don’t think you need to come back here, unless you have any issues or concerns. Feel free to reach out though if you do.” Music to my ears. If you would have asked me 8 years ago if I would feel comfortable ending my oncologist visits before 10 years was up, I would have said you’re crazy. But today was different. I felt a confidence I didn’t know I had. I felt a sense of relief and gratitude to be able to close this chapter. I shook his hand again and said, “I hope I don’t see you here again. No offense.” No follow up appointment to schedule, no half day to figure out with work and other activities. This was it. I got dressed and walked out of room 9.

I walked out of the cancer center as a man was helping his frail wife. They had used the valet and were waiting for their car. As I walked past them, I hoped that she would one day be able to say good bye to this place too. I walked towards my car and figured I should document the sign. And I took special note of the “exit only” part. Yes, I will be only exiting today. I’m ready to be done. As I sat in my car, tears filled my eyes and I wasn’t really anticipating the emotions I was feeling… relief, gratitude, closure, joy. I texted my family and some friends and told them the good news. A sigh of relief.

Some people don’t like the phrase cancer journey, but I do. I think of it as a journey because there are twists and turns, highs and lows, mountains and valleys. It’s so much better if you’re able to have someone along with you on your journey and to have a great navigator. I feel like cancer took things from me: confidence, physical changes, time with my family, changes in my personality & the loss of some friends. But, it also gave me things: importance of self care, a spiritual community, the ability to ask for help, renewed relationships, and my renewed love of writing. I am so thankful my chapter has ended how it did. I know not everyone has a happy ending, and I’m grateful mine is. I honestly felt like I set down the baggage when I walked out of that building and felt more free.

Will I stop writing about this? Probably not. But I’m in maintenance mode now. It’s different. I’m not sure how to explain the shift, but it certainly has shifted. If you’ve been though this journey with me the whole time, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. Now that this chapter is done, I feel like I can move forward with writing my next book. It will be a healing process and probably difficult to relive some of those memories, but good will come from it.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Hug your loved ones, take care of yourself and get your yearly screenings done!

The longest night on the longest day…

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17 years ago, we had a 3 1/2 yr old and I was very pregnant with another. I was past my “due date” but I honestly cannot remember much of those details anymore. I just know I was very huge, tired of being asked “You didn’t have the baby yet?” and I was supposed to be induced June 22nd. My parents came to our house the day before so they could stay with Dallas while we went to the doctor in the morning. I’m sure I had lists and notes and things ready. A bag for the hospital had been packed for weeks. I kept a towel on the seat of my car & a waterproof tablecloth on my bed just in case my water broke. Months of injections due to gestational diabetes was about to come to an end. I might be able to see my feet soon. I cannot wait to meet our newest little Frueh. I kind of forgot how painful labor can be (because we must be wired that way or we probably wouldn’t repeat it). I’m ready. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m prepared.

So when everyone was getting ready for bed, I joked with my mom, “I’ll wake you up if I go into labor on my own. Otherwise, we will leave at 6am for the hospital.” And we laughed. And God chuckled. And just as my husband was starting to snore, my water broke. My memory may be sketchy at times, but I do remember saying, “I think my water broke.” And him saying, “No, it didn’t, go back to sleep.” He wanted to shower and wake up more and I wanted to get going. It was 25 minute drive to the hospital. We quickly got ready, informed my mom that I apparently was not joking about the labor thing, and headed to the hospital. We got into the car that did not have my hospital bag in it, so a few miles down the road we turned around and went back. Do I realize that I didn’t really need anything in there? Yes, I do now. But a woman in labor isn’t always rational.

I remember bits and pieces of that night. I remember it being the longest night on the longest day of the year. I couldn’t get comfortable. I tried a bath, a whole bunch of different breathing and labor positions, but it wasn’t until the epidural that things got better. The epidural almost didn’t happen. But, after almost crushing Cameron’s fingers during a contraction and practically passing out from the pain, he found the anesthesiologist and I was able to have some relief. I remember my doctor running down the hall in high heels, just in time to catch the baby. Shortly before our “originally scheduled induction,” our tiny baby boy arrived. Less than 6 lbs, but healthy at the time. The longest night on the longest day of the year was worth it. I was now a mom of boyS. Dallas was excited to meet his little brother.

Myles was in the nursery when he stopped breathing. I was in my room, trying to rest. The nurse came in to inform me that he had stopped breathing and they had revived him, but he was on his way to the NICU. Tears flowed as I prayed for my little boy to be ok. The next few days were filled with tests to try and determine what happened. Tons of waiting, lots of prayers. They never did find out. He did stop breathing again in the NICU, but was quickly brought back. My body knew I needed to be strong, so I spent a lot of time in the NICU before I was officially discharged from my room. We would go in right away to hear the info from shift change. We would stay all day as our little guy was in an incubator with cords,wires and tubes attached to him. We learned the nurses names, felt bad for the babies who were alone or for the families who lost a baby. They made sure we went home at night to rest. Some very long nights and long days. When he graduated from the incubator to the crib, we were so grateful. We are filled with joy to be able to be able to finally take him home.

I’m so thankful to say that we have a happy, almost 17 year old now. He is healthy and strong, caring and independent, creative and insightful. He doesn’t know how many people prayed for him when he was born. He cannot fathom the joy and pride I have for being his mom. He is an old soul, and he is brave in the pursuit of his dreams.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Myles, you will always be enough for me. So I’m wishing an early Happy Birthday to our miracle Myles. The longest night on the longest day will always be worth it. Love you!