Tag: #kindness

Did we just become best friends?!

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It’s a quote from the movie, “Step Brothers,” but it’s what I was thinking about recently. I had a lovely pause/trip to CA. I was able to work remote, spend time with my sister, complete a few projects, see a musical, run/walk a Rock n Roll 5k, kayak with otters & seals and so much more! We were discussing podcasts, and The Holderness Family podcast is one of my favorites. I told her, “They don’t know it, but I’m pretty sure we are best friends.”

I’m not a stalker. I have not reached out to these people. I follow them on social media and listen to their podcasts. I didn’t see them on “The Amazing Race,” but they did win it. I just feel like we are similar and we’d probably be along, in a strange way. We are close to the same age, both have 2 kids and we have similar personalities. Penn has ADHD and is very creative. Same with my husband. Kim is an introvert and needs to recharge after too much people-ing. Same with me. Aside from Penn singing & playing piano, I feel like he and my husband would talk for hours. Kim and I would get into a deep (non-superficial) conversation, but be blunt about when we need to leave. I’d learn pickle ball to hang out with them.

Having a best friend is a strange concept as an adult. Kids become best friends because they’re in the same class or same neighborhood or same activity. Adults may find people through their kids, or it may be kind of random. I stepped out of my comfort zone a few years ago and went on a weekend retreat where I knew nobody. I came away with several friends. Many of whom I keep in touch with, and a few I’ve gotten close to. I realized the other day that I’ve been here (in this town) 7 years. I still feel like “the new person/outsider,” even after all this time. You never know when you’ll connect with someone and spark a friendship. I’m sure I have more friends to meet yet.

I miss the friends I fell out of touch with. I often think of the times we spent together. I think of people I used to work with. I think of the neighborhood we used to live in. I guess in some cases, Best Friends Forever might be Best Friends For a while. People may come and go, but think of the additional people you get to meet and new experiences you get to have.

Maybe someday I will meet Penn and Kim, but I won’t hold my breath. Until then, I’ll be thankful for my friends – past, present and future. Thank you for coming along on my journey.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You are enough and you always will be – even if people come in and out of your life.

A fall pause;

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Normally, this time of year we have a bunch of mini pumpkins and gourds. This year, we just have this small basket. But it screams fall to me, so I’ll keep these for myself (and perhaps my deer friends who have been eating my hosta.) Our garden took a hit due to the hot, dry summer and my husband working on the front and back steps/patio. I kept up with picking, but not enough watering and weeding. That’s ok. We still had things to bring to the market and have food in the freezer.

I haven’t written for a while, which is a little unusual for me. I’m a pretty regular weekly writer – even if I do lose track of days. I guess I needed a fall pause. I haven’t felt very inspirational, and there are some things going on that are just too personal to share. I’m fine, I just have some background things happening that I needed to focus on.

Sometimes we forget to pause. We rush from one thing to the next. This summer was busy with work, market, gardening, canning and family time. There wasn’t a lot of pausing. Even our trips are packed and full of walking/adventures. I’m grateful to get to go. I just forgot to give myself some grace.

I also forgot that it is ok to be both…

  • Both busy and needing a break
  • Both introverted and needing to talk
  • Both loving family and needing time alone
  • Both grateful for what you have and craving a change

I often feel like I need permission to pause. Busy is rewarded, yet pausing feels selfish (when I do it). I’m aware that it’s necessary, it’s just not always supported.

So, if you’re in need of a fall pause, here is your permission. Take a break, read a book, have some extra water, go for a walk, meditate, pray or just take a deep breath or two.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you take some time to pause. You’re worth it!

Experience sponge…

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It kind of looks like a computer screensaver, but it’s a photo I took at the New England Aquarium on our trip to Boston. The three of us did not press up to the glass like these starfish. I’m pretty sure too many kids had licked on it. Our trip to Boston was fun. We saw a lot of things, walked a lot of miles and needed a bunch of extra socks. The weather was great, aside from two downpours on Friday. We got completely drenched. Twice. I feel like “an experience sponge” as I tried to soak up the sights.

I’ve mentioned it before, but we don’t sit much or have downtime on our vacations. We try to see and do as much as we can. This time, we did all of the things on my list earlier than planned, so I had to quickly find some additional things to do. We walked 7-15 miles each day. We took the “hop on, hop off trolley,” the first day. It was a good way to see the city. They had a night tour, but that was pretty much the same route so it was a bit of a waste (but we did sit down). We saw many of the Freedom Trail stops. Some were interesting and others were quick visits and then on to something else. It was neat to see the USS Constitution. An amazing old ship with beautiful wood and really short ceilings & steep stairs. I imagined how sick I’d be to sleep in a hammock while on the water.

Boston Day 1. Tate bakery, Nero coffee, Trolley tour, freedom trail, USS Constitution, USS Cassin Young, Quincy Market, Bunker Hill, Faneuil Hall, Boston Tea Party tour, 🦞 seafood & “summer night trolley tour” Also drove by Fenway (country concert & lots of people.)

Boston Day 2. Continuation of the Freedom trail, 12-15 miles of walking, several inches of rain, 3 pair of socks each 😂. Went by Paul Revere house and statue, had Mike’s Pastry (thank you to those who recommended that – YUM!), saw the old North Church and Boston market- outdoor and indoor…. All before lunch. Boston Market was cool. Had some good coffee and got some treats for later. Poured rain, luckily we went in the correct door for the Massachusetts State house- the Hooker entrance 😂, it was very pretty inside. I took way more pictures of it than I thought I would. We walked through all of the Boston Public gardens (it’s free), but they didn’t have the swan boats running due to weather. Had lunch in Chinatown, it was very good. “Your cousin from Boston” Samuel Adams tour was 45 min. We took the orange subway there and back. We had beer, of course (not Myles), and also beer cheese pretzel and chips/beer cheese. We went back to Boston Market, went to little Italy/The North Side for a fish festival but it was raining again. Had gelato instead. It cleared up and we walked all along the pier & saw a double rainbow. Finished the day at Legal Seafood.

Boston day 3: New England Aquarium. The center was a large aquarium with lots of varieties of fish and turtles & rays etc. We petted some stingray. We got to see a feeding. Walked back to little Italy (which I guess is not called that – it’s called “The North Side.”) It was an amazing lunch – lobster ravioli was amazing! Then switched hotels so we walked a mile with luggage 😂 New hotel had us on the 13th floor, but we weren’t there long. Since we did the other things more quickly than planned, I added a last minute whale watching trip. I was nervous about the seasick possibility but it was good. 4 hour tour & saw lots of whales. Supper at Quincy Market. The market has a lot of shops and small food vendors. Had to get some clam chowder! (Chowder was great but the San Francisco bread bowls are better). Travel day the last day.

I feel like we did most of what I would have wanted to do. We didn’t see Harvard or Salem due to time and distance. We either walked, took an Uber or Subway instead of renting a car. That was great advice because traffic there is nuts and you have to pay to park everywhere. For now, we can cross Boston off the list and start thinking of where to go next.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Returning home meant more pickles and salsa to process, so we won’t be traveling very far for a while. College classes have started for our junior in HS and regular HS classes start Tues. Life goes by quickly. Keep your eyes open.

Beans, clouds and tea parties?

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What do these things have in common? Boston, MA. I mean, there are clouds everywhere, but I’ll be flying in them today. Why Boston? Why not? It’s not super hot or cold and there is plenty to do. Plus, it’s someplace we haven’t been. There is a list of ideas for things to do, places to eat and only one reservation (aside from hotels). The weather looks great and I think our long weekend will be fun. Next week, our youngest son starts classes at the tech school with (junior year) high school classes starting after Labor Day.

With his high school and tech classes, Mama Mia musical practice and working part time, along with his You Tube channel (The Unspecified Show), this seemed like the best time to take a trip. I don’t have the facts, but I’m guessing that most people will not say, “I wish I would not have traveled so much,” looking back at their life. Maybe if they traveled for work and didn’t like it – but recreationally? Yeah, I’m not going to regret these little trips. And I’ll probably share pictures of our trip, because maybe you’ve never been to Boston and you’d like to see it. Maybe you have been, but it’s fun to see it from our point of view.

When we went to NYC, we shared lots of pictures because we packed a ton of stuff into our trip. But one of Cam’s friends said, “It’s fun to see it from a whole new perspective.” They lived in NYC, but hadn’t done some of the “tourist stuff,” and got some ideas of things they wanted to try.

Maybe someday we will take a trip to relax on a beach, but not yet. For now, we will pack our walking shoes and have our cameras ready.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re not able to travel in person, travel in your mind with a good book or a Discovery channel documentary.

The end of a chapter…

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This week, I had my yearly oncology appointment in Fargo. I took the afternoon off from work and drove up there alone. I have no concerns, so I didn’t really need anyone with me. I already knew my latest MRI was clear, my A1C has been really good, and aside from some extra tummy weight – I’m in pretty good health. I don’t know how many times I’ve walked into the Roger Maris Cancer Center since December 9, 2014. It’s quite a few, that’s for sure. I honestly felt like this would be the last time. I parked my car in the ramp and I paused on the sidewalk. I asked for God to be with me and for my angels to surround and protect me. There is a lot of dense energy in a cancer center. A lot.

I checked in and took my spot in the waiting room. I glanced around the room, noting that I was still one of the youngest people there. I opened up my Colleen Hoover book and didn’t get very far before I heard her call my name. She weighed me in the hallway (which I’m not a fan of), and walked me back to the room. The last several times I’ve been there, I was in room 7. This time, I was in room 9. “Something is different today,” I said to myself with a hopeful grin. I got asked all of the standard questions and she left. My doctor came in shortly after, shook hands and opened my chart. We went through the last scans, talked about my blood sugar levels and general health. He handed me the pink gown for the last time and stepped out of the room. Nothing concerning happened during the exam. The lumpectomy site is still tender, more than 8 years later. I just avoid sleeping on my stomach. Otherwise, things were good.

“I don’t think you need to come back here, unless you have any issues or concerns. Feel free to reach out though if you do.” Music to my ears. If you would have asked me 8 years ago if I would feel comfortable ending my oncologist visits before 10 years was up, I would have said you’re crazy. But today was different. I felt a confidence I didn’t know I had. I felt a sense of relief and gratitude to be able to close this chapter. I shook his hand again and said, “I hope I don’t see you here again. No offense.” No follow up appointment to schedule, no half day to figure out with work and other activities. This was it. I got dressed and walked out of room 9.

I walked out of the cancer center as a man was helping his frail wife. They had used the valet and were waiting for their car. As I walked past them, I hoped that she would one day be able to say good bye to this place too. I walked towards my car and figured I should document the sign. And I took special note of the “exit only” part. Yes, I will be only exiting today. I’m ready to be done. As I sat in my car, tears filled my eyes and I wasn’t really anticipating the emotions I was feeling… relief, gratitude, closure, joy. I texted my family and some friends and told them the good news. A sigh of relief.

Some people don’t like the phrase cancer journey, but I do. I think of it as a journey because there are twists and turns, highs and lows, mountains and valleys. It’s so much better if you’re able to have someone along with you on your journey and to have a great navigator. I feel like cancer took things from me: confidence, physical changes, time with my family, changes in my personality & the loss of some friends. But, it also gave me things: importance of self care, a spiritual community, the ability to ask for help, renewed relationships, and my renewed love of writing. I am so thankful my chapter has ended how it did. I know not everyone has a happy ending, and I’m grateful mine is. I honestly felt like I set down the baggage when I walked out of that building and felt more free.

Will I stop writing about this? Probably not. But I’m in maintenance mode now. It’s different. I’m not sure how to explain the shift, but it certainly has shifted. If you’ve been though this journey with me the whole time, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. Now that this chapter is done, I feel like I can move forward with writing my next book. It will be a healing process and probably difficult to relive some of those memories, but good will come from it.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Hug your loved ones, take care of yourself and get your yearly screenings done!

The ripple effect …

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These are some of the turkey hens and poults in our garden. It’s a turkey buffet now. Shade, food, water… they have it made. And it’s predator free. Raccoons had been wrecking our garden and they are dangerous to have around for chickens, so we trapped them. But removing the raccoons removed the predators for the turkeys. And our cat has been indoors due to an actual cat fight (multiple), so he’s no threat to them either. He lost his meow and has several scars. We’ve upset the ecosystem and now we have 4 hens and 30 or so babies hanging out in our garden. Hopefully they are eating lots of bugs. They have been trampling the straw and walking all over the beans. The raspberry plants are pretty popular with them and they like the carrot and beet area because the watering over there is like a mini fountain.

We still get deer in the yard. They don’t bother the garden much… it’s fenced but not super high so they could jump it if they wanted to. They prefer to eat the bird food that spills out of the feeder or they stick their tongues in to get the corn. You can’t really “turkey proof” a garden. They fly. So even if we put mesh around the bottom, they would just fly over the top. Putting the a net over 2 acres isn’t realistic either. I’m not sure. They supposedly eat potato beetles, so I’m hoping that is true.

Until more raccoons wander over from the state park, I think we might just have to deal with our new turkey friends. A ripple effect. I often think about ripple effects in life. One small moment or decision may seem like no big deal at the time but the impact lasts for years and often magnifies. Over 30 years ago, I flirted with the man who would become my husband & that had a ripple effect. Two sons and countless adventures later and hopefully more adventures on the horizon. What would our lives look like if we hadn’t taken that chance? There still would have been ripples in our lives but it wouldn’t be the same.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Never underestimate the impact you have on others.

What do cookies and peas have to do with self worth?

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I could hear the jet skis zooming around the lake. The sun was warm and I was jealous of the people on the water. You can see the lake from our driveway, but we are not on the water. Instead, I was picking peas. While I am thankful for a good crop this year due to diligent watering, I kept thinking about how much hard work this is. I wondered if people realized the amount of manual labor that goes into fresh veggies. Planting, weeding, watering, weeding, picking, weighing & packaging… a lot goes into a pea pod or string bean. We took 48 lbs of peas to the farmers market last weekend and SOLD OUT! So when people ask me for a discount if they buy a certain quantity, it’s difficult for me to say no, but I know I will sell them. My/our time is the same regardless if someone buys one pound or 10. Also, if we don’t sell the produce, we will eat it fresh or freeze it for ourselves.

I’m also in the Minnesota Cottage Food Producers group online. Someone said they are new to farmers markets and wanted to know what people charge for cookies. Our market is normally $6/6 cookies. Some of the other area bakers were $8-$12. When I mentioned that I charge $3/6 cookies, several of them said I needed to raise my prices. It feels strange to do that since people are used to ours being $3, and we sell out of 25-30 bags per weekend.

Then it dawned on me… this is tied to my self worth. Ouch. I don’t feel worthy of charging a fair price because I feel bad, or because I don’t take into account my time. “Acts of service/gift giving” are high on my love language scores. So normally I want to give and help but don’t expect or accept much in return. But so far this year, I have not given a discount for peas. They are a lot of work. I also have not raised my cookie prices though. Baby steps.

I help pick veggies after work or on weekends. One of my sisters was visiting last week and offered to help pick. I gladly accepted since the garden is in full swing, our son has a part time job, and my husband is working on our patio. When she brought in the bowls of peas, she had music playing. For some reason, it never dawned on me to have music in the garden. We don’t have fields of peas, beans or potatoes. We just have a very large garden. I’ve always picked in silence unless someone is out with me. A little Taylor Swift might be a good idea instead of my rambling thoughts. I would write them down, but there are too many. I’d use the “talk to text” on my phone, but that usually goes horribly wrong. The deep thoughts about cookies, peas and self worth came while I was in the garden. I thought I’d share in case anyone else was struggling.

Your time is worth something. Your talents are worth something. Don’t settle for less. Don’t discount a skill, service or product unless you feel comfortable doing so. You are enough, everybody has something to offer (that’s an old church hymn.)

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I’ll be over here deciding what cookies to bake and munching on some sugar snap peas.

D.O.O.M.

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Didn’t Organize, Only Moved. D.O.O.M. Say what you will about Tik Tok, but I certainly have learned more about ADHD from that app than anything else. Granted, I didn’t know where to look for resources either. We always assumed my husband has it. Our oldest son was diagnosed, but there wasn’t really any help or explanation or anything. Women are often not diagnosed until later in life. It makes me wonder if I should get tested. But if I did, then what? What would change? I’m not sure. I hear of so many traits that are ADHD related and I relate to so many of them. It kind of makes me feel normally abnormal.

D.O.O.M. piles are on that list. Paper is a big one. When the boys were little, it was their school papers, or mail. Now it’s work papers, receipts to be entered for the farm business, mail, thank you notes, a hundred notebooks partially filled with work notes or journal notes or manifestation/affirmation notes. The piles get moved if I know someone is coming, but otherwise they just tend to accumulate. It’s frustrating and I dislike it greatly, yet I feel like I cannot clear it, put it away or organize it. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve referred back to one of those notebooks. It rarely happens. Once I write it down, it’s out of my head and disappears from my thought bank.

Some things I want to move, but they aren’t mine, so I know that if I move it, someone will ask me where did it go? Then I will have to try and remember where it is. Keeping mental track of all of the things is exhausting. It’s a giant file cabinet that is heavy. It weighs me down like an anchor, yet I cannot get rid of it. I go in spurts where I will try to clean it up and downsize or get rid of things, but it doesn’t last. If I run out of time before someone comes over (if I’m aware they are coming), then those doom piles just get shoved into a bag or a closet.

It’s pretty vulnerable to admit this. I’m not sure why I feel so ashamed of it. I have had people help me purge stuff before, and I occasionally go through things and organize or get rid of things. Yet the doom piles remain. They creep back like an unwelcome pest. They make me feel like a failure. I feel like a terrible housekeeper. I have friends who have similar homes, yet theirs don’t bother me. I also have friends who have homes that you could walk into at any time and feel like you were at a spa or a B&B. Our house isn’t large so it doesn’t take long for the clutter to feel overwhelming.

Aside from paper, there are other doom piles in my living room currently. I won’t go into specifics. Yet the three of us will walk by most of this stuff, unable to make the move to clear it… until I know someone is coming over.

I don’t have a solution to D.O.O.M. piles, I just recently learned about it and wanted to share with you. So, if you stop by and I don’t know you’re coming over, who knows what you’ll see. Baking nights prompt a kitchen clean up, but the baking also makes another mess. I’m not off the hamster wheel yet.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you too are familiar with the D.O.O.M. piles, you’re not alone. Now I’d better go move some papers.

Letting go…

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I sat there in my blue hospital gowns and pants, waiting. Listening to their conversation and trying to think positive thoughts. It’s been almost 3 years since I started working from home. I’m aware now that the “office small talk” is something I no longer have. I don’t hear about people’s lives and what’s going on. I don’t hear about weekend plans or what’s happening with office dynamics. I used to have best friends that I worked with, but that was years ago. When I was promoted to be a supervisor, many of those friendships ended… they all changed. It left me guarded, hesitant to open up. Eventually I became friends with coworkers again when I stepped back from managing people. But then I moved. I let go of the comfort of familiar friends and departed into unfamiliar territory.

For some reason, I’m still guarded. I assume it’s a “self preservation” tactic… guarding my heart from potential heart break. It also means I’m missing out. Missing out on connections and deeper friendships. I waiver back and forth between being ok with a small inner circle and feeling like I wish I had a large group of friends to do things with. I do have close friends, but I don’t have that big group… the “let’s go do something all together” type group. I don’t know what is right or better. It’s different for everyone. When one of my closest friends pulled away from me, I went through a grieving process. I felt like a puppy, wondering what I did wrong. I still long for those days when I can text or pick up the phone at any time, but I can’t. It’s different. Our paths diverged and I just wasn’t ready for it. I closed up more, put up another layer of walls, even though I know I shouldn’t. I need to let go of the “should’ve done” and stop reliving what I think I should have done differently.

Things at work have changed a lot over the last 6 months. I still have my job, which is great. I’m not sure where my writing will take me, as it has to be a night and weekend kind of thing. It’s still a constant struggle of feeling good enough. If I spend all this time writing, would anyone buy the book? If I try to write copy part time, will I get enough clients? I’m still learning to let go. I’m still trying to build up the confidence that I know lives deep inside. Maybe because it’s not a “one and done” event… it’s a constant evolution.

Why was I in hospital gowns? Routine MRI. Still makes me pause. Reminds me to be thankful for all of my years cancer free. Gives me 45 minutes with just my thoughts and a really loud MRI machine with an IV in my arm and my chest through a hole in the table. I can’t run from my thoughts or get distracted with a pile of clothes to fold. I’m letting go of fears… acknowledging them but releasing them. They don’t serve me well.

What do you need to let go of? Emotional? Physical things? Expectations? Fears? The past? Give yourself some grace and some space as you work though it. I’ll be there too.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You’ve got this, you can do it.

Life is short, try something new…

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Last week, our son, Myles decided he wanted to go camping… alone. We live 5 minutes from the state park so it’s not like this was a long trip. He drove over and scoped out the spots that would be good for a tent. I reserved a tenting spot for him & made some suggestions on what to take. He packed the car with food, tent, supplies and was off on his adventure.

He has a You Tube channel, The Unspecified Show, and wanted to film for his channel. He’s just 16 (almost 17), but if you know him, you’d know he is an old soul and a responsible kid. He filmed many hours of video – setting up an 8 person tent alone, getting fire started and cooking meals, hiking, fishing and more. He came home briefly to download some of the video and free up space, but he solo camped for 3 days/2 nights. It even rained. Twice.

Part of his meal experimentation was using pie irons. He made a chocolate cherry pie (pictured) – he said it was delicious. He invited us over for one meal and we had tacos in the pie irons also. He made eggs and bacon on his own. I was so proud of him. It may seem strange, but it’s one of those moments when you realize your kids have been (mostly) paying attention. We’ve gone camping since Myles was a baby. We had the playpen in the tent and he would take naps in there. After a few very rainy, very cold tenting experiences, we switched to mainly staying in the state park camper cabins. That way, you can eat indoors and play cards if it rains. We cook all of our meals over the fire, but still bring a small cook stove for pancakes. Myles skipped the cook stove this time.

He posted “Day 1” on his channel. I encourage you to check it out. Day 2 and 3 will be coming out soon also, but he’s been working at the Deja Bleu coffee truck this week, so he’s been busy.

His brother, Dallas also tried something new recently. He decided to do “ranch bronc” riding at the rodeo in Bozeman. He said, “I’m only 20 once.” Yes, this is true, but I’d like you to see 21 also (ha ha). He got bucked off right away, but he’s going to try it again. We never had horses ourselves. He always wanted to rodeo when he was little, but it wasn’t an option really. When your son is 20 years old and 13 hours away from you, there isn’t much more you can do other than pray he makes it out of the arena in one piece. It’s either super brave or super crazy to try this. Maybe a little of both!

I’m wondering what I should try that’s new for me? I’m going to try self publishing a couple of books. That might be my “out of my comfort zone/new thing.” I’m sure there is more. What’s a bucket list item you’d suggest?

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Enjoy your life, take the chances, ride the horse or go solo camping. You can do it, I believe in you.