Tag: #kids

Empty, full or none at all?

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Happy Holidays! For me, I celebrate Christmas but I also respect the fact that there are many different holidays this time of year. Last night we went to a Rock & Roll Christmas program. It was fun – they put traditional songs to rock music. We are picking up our son tonight and will travel this weekend to see more family. After a year of many health issues for my family, I’m thankful we can be together. We will miss out on seeing my in-laws since some are in AZ and some in NC.

I’ve seen a lot of articles about moms not having Christmas stockings. I can honestly say I don’t have one. But neither does my husband. Neither of us have one, in fact I don’t think we have the whole time we have been married. I’m fine with it. I feel bad if it’s one sided but since neither of us have one, it doesn’t really matter to me. Quite honestly, I stink at gift giving to my hubby anyway. For everyone else, I usually do well. Not for him… something I think will be great goes unused. Not having to figure out stocking gifts for him is one less thing on my holiday “to do” list.

Much of the holiday “burden” typically falls on the mom. Planning, gift buying/wrapping, organizing, meal planning/prep/making, decorating, cleaning before and after, making sure the cards are sent, all the relatives have gifts, shipping packages in time, and trying to create magical core memories. We are also probably working full time, might have used up our vacation so we don’t have a holiday break, we might have put on a few pounds, are trying to have grace with ourselves and keep our cool. We don’t want to miss out, take things for granted or have regrets.

Everyone is at a different place during the holidays. Some people get to be with family and friends, while others may spend it alone. There may be a full house or an empty chair at the table. There may be piles of gifts or families barely scraping by. We can’t assume we know what’s going on with someone else. It’s also not our job to judge. If you’re able, do what makes you happy and try to share some joy with someone else. Maybe you’re on the receiving end of help or compassion… that’s ok too.

My goals this holiday season are to spend time with my family, enjoy some delicious food, have a fun time playing games and laughing until my stomach hurts. I want to hug my family and frost sugar cookies with my boys who are no longer little. I want to bless a stranger and have more patience. What are your goals?

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Whether your stocking is empty, full or none at all, just make sure you’re on the same page. Have the discussion. You might be glad you did.

New Journeys…

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Sorry I missed “writing Wednesday.” I was fulfilling my duty of being 50 and getting a shingles shot. I was fine Tuesday, but had a 101 fever Wednesday and just needed rest. Today is much better.

“Team hammerhead” excelled at trivia last week and we tied another team, then tied in the tiebreaker and came out winning. It was a fun date night as we get reacquainted with each other. This week, we are trying another trivia night. We’re trying out some new local breweries and sampling their food too. We have some favorites so far, but there are still more to check out.

Even though our nest is not officially empty, it sure is empty more often than it’s full. I guess it’s not something we were fully prepared for. We spent 7 years together before we had kids, then the next 21 years raising them. If someone did mention this phase, I’m sure I brushed them off/didn’t listen. There really should be a list that gets passed on, called “These are the things nobody tells you.” It would be a long list. Although it still might not matter. Often we are too wrapped up in our current stage in life to think about the next one. We also aren’t guaranteed any of these stages so it’s wrong to assume they will happen.

With a year and a half before graduation, we are slowly spending more time together. It’s one of the things we weren’t really expecting. Luckily, we still get along pretty well, so we have that going for us. It’s also adding to our life experiences and using some of Cam’s endless (previously thought to be kind of useless) knowledge. Although I will say, I have gotten some right answers myself.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Regardless if your new journey takes you to trivia nights or not, enjoy your time together. It’s one we shouldn’t take for granted.

H.O.P.E.

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I had an entirely different post planned. I’d written part of it, then I saw a post from a friend of ours. 5 years ago, they lost their son to suicide. (He was the same age as our oldest son) It’s also mental health awareness month, so I figured I should switch gears. Mental health isn’t something someone else has. We all do. We all have our own mental health differences, just like our physical bodies aren’t all the same. Mental health struggles impact more people than you might be aware of. It has impacted us.

Two years ago, I got a call from our oldest son. He was in his freshman year at Montana State, 13 hours from home. He moved there not knowing anyone and his roommate was about to drop out. He was going to school and working part time. He had gone to fraternity rush but wasn’t accepted. When he called, he has been in the ER. He told me that he called campus police because he was worried about what he would do. Actually, someone else called campus police and found him, bleeding. We had talked about it because of Robbie. I had hoped he would have reached out. I went numb. I didn’t know what to do. Do I fly out there? Do I drive? Then what? I told my boss I needed some time for a personal matter and I went for a walk. I sat on the dock by the lake and sobbed. Thankful he was found. Terrified it would happen again. I felt lost, alone and like a failure. What could I have done differently? This wasn’t about me.

He didn’t want to miss work, so he still went. He got in trouble for being late. If they only knew. From outward appearances, he was fine. He had been so depressed that he was not sleeping. He would wander around campus until 3am and still make it to work and class. After that day, he went to campus counseling, but just didn’t find a connection with the right person. She did tell him that hunting would be ok since he enjoyed being out in nature. He had to talk to the campus counselor and to the police in order to get his guns back to be able to hunt. He decided to drop out after the first semester. He started working full time instead. There is a stigma attached to dropping out of college. One that shouldn’t exist. It’s not right for you? Good for you to recognize that before spending almost $200k in tuition and being miserable the whole time.

He calls me (almost) daily. I still worry about him, but I feel more confident that he would reach out again before it’s too late. Too often we aren’t aware of people’s struggles. It’s not easy to talk about. It’s necessary though. Even if we think people “seem fine.” It’s OK to not be OK, but it is not OK not to tell someone. He knows that now. He’s in a better frame of mind. He has a core group of friends, a dog, and he does a lot of hunting and fishing.

That fall, he showed people what they wanted to see… a friendly, talkative guy. I asked him today what would have made him give an honest answer instead of “fine.” He said, “Probably someone looking me in the eyes and saying that they cared and I didn’t really seem fine. Someone to push for the truth instead of a fake answer.”

This isn’t a story many people know. Many family members will be shocked. I’m sorry you heard about it this way. It’s not something that’s easy for a parent to bring up either.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Your are needed. You are worthy. You are loved. If you feel you, or someone you know is in crisis, 988 is the suicide and crisis line. You can also text 741741 for free crisis counseling. For resources on teen mental health, go to https://Robbie’s-hope.com.

Did we just become best friends?!

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It’s a quote from the movie, “Step Brothers,” but it’s what I was thinking about recently. I had a lovely pause/trip to CA. I was able to work remote, spend time with my sister, complete a few projects, see a musical, run/walk a Rock n Roll 5k, kayak with otters & seals and so much more! We were discussing podcasts, and The Holderness Family podcast is one of my favorites. I told her, “They don’t know it, but I’m pretty sure we are best friends.”

I’m not a stalker. I have not reached out to these people. I follow them on social media and listen to their podcasts. I didn’t see them on “The Amazing Race,” but they did win it. I just feel like we are similar and we’d probably be along, in a strange way. We are close to the same age, both have 2 kids and we have similar personalities. Penn has ADHD and is very creative. Same with my husband. Kim is an introvert and needs to recharge after too much people-ing. Same with me. Aside from Penn singing & playing piano, I feel like he and my husband would talk for hours. Kim and I would get into a deep (non-superficial) conversation, but be blunt about when we need to leave. I’d learn pickle ball to hang out with them.

Having a best friend is a strange concept as an adult. Kids become best friends because they’re in the same class or same neighborhood or same activity. Adults may find people through their kids, or it may be kind of random. I stepped out of my comfort zone a few years ago and went on a weekend retreat where I knew nobody. I came away with several friends. Many of whom I keep in touch with, and a few I’ve gotten close to. I realized the other day that I’ve been here (in this town) 7 years. I still feel like “the new person/outsider,” even after all this time. You never know when you’ll connect with someone and spark a friendship. I’m sure I have more friends to meet yet.

I miss the friends I fell out of touch with. I often think of the times we spent together. I think of people I used to work with. I think of the neighborhood we used to live in. I guess in some cases, Best Friends Forever might be Best Friends For a while. People may come and go, but think of the additional people you get to meet and new experiences you get to have.

Maybe someday I will meet Penn and Kim, but I won’t hold my breath. Until then, I’ll be thankful for my friends – past, present and future. Thank you for coming along on my journey.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You are enough and you always will be – even if people come in and out of your life.

Experience sponge…

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It kind of looks like a computer screensaver, but it’s a photo I took at the New England Aquarium on our trip to Boston. The three of us did not press up to the glass like these starfish. I’m pretty sure too many kids had licked on it. Our trip to Boston was fun. We saw a lot of things, walked a lot of miles and needed a bunch of extra socks. The weather was great, aside from two downpours on Friday. We got completely drenched. Twice. I feel like “an experience sponge” as I tried to soak up the sights.

I’ve mentioned it before, but we don’t sit much or have downtime on our vacations. We try to see and do as much as we can. This time, we did all of the things on my list earlier than planned, so I had to quickly find some additional things to do. We walked 7-15 miles each day. We took the “hop on, hop off trolley,” the first day. It was a good way to see the city. They had a night tour, but that was pretty much the same route so it was a bit of a waste (but we did sit down). We saw many of the Freedom Trail stops. Some were interesting and others were quick visits and then on to something else. It was neat to see the USS Constitution. An amazing old ship with beautiful wood and really short ceilings & steep stairs. I imagined how sick I’d be to sleep in a hammock while on the water.

Boston Day 1. Tate bakery, Nero coffee, Trolley tour, freedom trail, USS Constitution, USS Cassin Young, Quincy Market, Bunker Hill, Faneuil Hall, Boston Tea Party tour, 🦞 seafood & “summer night trolley tour” Also drove by Fenway (country concert & lots of people.)

Boston Day 2. Continuation of the Freedom trail, 12-15 miles of walking, several inches of rain, 3 pair of socks each 😂. Went by Paul Revere house and statue, had Mike’s Pastry (thank you to those who recommended that – YUM!), saw the old North Church and Boston market- outdoor and indoor…. All before lunch. Boston Market was cool. Had some good coffee and got some treats for later. Poured rain, luckily we went in the correct door for the Massachusetts State house- the Hooker entrance 😂, it was very pretty inside. I took way more pictures of it than I thought I would. We walked through all of the Boston Public gardens (it’s free), but they didn’t have the swan boats running due to weather. Had lunch in Chinatown, it was very good. “Your cousin from Boston” Samuel Adams tour was 45 min. We took the orange subway there and back. We had beer, of course (not Myles), and also beer cheese pretzel and chips/beer cheese. We went back to Boston Market, went to little Italy/The North Side for a fish festival but it was raining again. Had gelato instead. It cleared up and we walked all along the pier & saw a double rainbow. Finished the day at Legal Seafood.

Boston day 3: New England Aquarium. The center was a large aquarium with lots of varieties of fish and turtles & rays etc. We petted some stingray. We got to see a feeding. Walked back to little Italy (which I guess is not called that – it’s called “The North Side.”) It was an amazing lunch – lobster ravioli was amazing! Then switched hotels so we walked a mile with luggage 😂 New hotel had us on the 13th floor, but we weren’t there long. Since we did the other things more quickly than planned, I added a last minute whale watching trip. I was nervous about the seasick possibility but it was good. 4 hour tour & saw lots of whales. Supper at Quincy Market. The market has a lot of shops and small food vendors. Had to get some clam chowder! (Chowder was great but the San Francisco bread bowls are better). Travel day the last day.

I feel like we did most of what I would have wanted to do. We didn’t see Harvard or Salem due to time and distance. We either walked, took an Uber or Subway instead of renting a car. That was great advice because traffic there is nuts and you have to pay to park everywhere. For now, we can cross Boston off the list and start thinking of where to go next.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Returning home meant more pickles and salsa to process, so we won’t be traveling very far for a while. College classes have started for our junior in HS and regular HS classes start Tues. Life goes by quickly. Keep your eyes open.

Beans, clouds and tea parties?

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What do these things have in common? Boston, MA. I mean, there are clouds everywhere, but I’ll be flying in them today. Why Boston? Why not? It’s not super hot or cold and there is plenty to do. Plus, it’s someplace we haven’t been. There is a list of ideas for things to do, places to eat and only one reservation (aside from hotels). The weather looks great and I think our long weekend will be fun. Next week, our youngest son starts classes at the tech school with (junior year) high school classes starting after Labor Day.

With his high school and tech classes, Mama Mia musical practice and working part time, along with his You Tube channel (The Unspecified Show), this seemed like the best time to take a trip. I don’t have the facts, but I’m guessing that most people will not say, “I wish I would not have traveled so much,” looking back at their life. Maybe if they traveled for work and didn’t like it – but recreationally? Yeah, I’m not going to regret these little trips. And I’ll probably share pictures of our trip, because maybe you’ve never been to Boston and you’d like to see it. Maybe you have been, but it’s fun to see it from our point of view.

When we went to NYC, we shared lots of pictures because we packed a ton of stuff into our trip. But one of Cam’s friends said, “It’s fun to see it from a whole new perspective.” They lived in NYC, but hadn’t done some of the “tourist stuff,” and got some ideas of things they wanted to try.

Maybe someday we will take a trip to relax on a beach, but not yet. For now, we will pack our walking shoes and have our cameras ready.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re not able to travel in person, travel in your mind with a good book or a Discovery channel documentary.

The ripple effect …

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These are some of the turkey hens and poults in our garden. It’s a turkey buffet now. Shade, food, water… they have it made. And it’s predator free. Raccoons had been wrecking our garden and they are dangerous to have around for chickens, so we trapped them. But removing the raccoons removed the predators for the turkeys. And our cat has been indoors due to an actual cat fight (multiple), so he’s no threat to them either. He lost his meow and has several scars. We’ve upset the ecosystem and now we have 4 hens and 30 or so babies hanging out in our garden. Hopefully they are eating lots of bugs. They have been trampling the straw and walking all over the beans. The raspberry plants are pretty popular with them and they like the carrot and beet area because the watering over there is like a mini fountain.

We still get deer in the yard. They don’t bother the garden much… it’s fenced but not super high so they could jump it if they wanted to. They prefer to eat the bird food that spills out of the feeder or they stick their tongues in to get the corn. You can’t really “turkey proof” a garden. They fly. So even if we put mesh around the bottom, they would just fly over the top. Putting the a net over 2 acres isn’t realistic either. I’m not sure. They supposedly eat potato beetles, so I’m hoping that is true.

Until more raccoons wander over from the state park, I think we might just have to deal with our new turkey friends. A ripple effect. I often think about ripple effects in life. One small moment or decision may seem like no big deal at the time but the impact lasts for years and often magnifies. Over 30 years ago, I flirted with the man who would become my husband & that had a ripple effect. Two sons and countless adventures later and hopefully more adventures on the horizon. What would our lives look like if we hadn’t taken that chance? There still would have been ripples in our lives but it wouldn’t be the same.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Never underestimate the impact you have on others.

What do cookies and peas have to do with self worth?

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I could hear the jet skis zooming around the lake. The sun was warm and I was jealous of the people on the water. You can see the lake from our driveway, but we are not on the water. Instead, I was picking peas. While I am thankful for a good crop this year due to diligent watering, I kept thinking about how much hard work this is. I wondered if people realized the amount of manual labor that goes into fresh veggies. Planting, weeding, watering, weeding, picking, weighing & packaging… a lot goes into a pea pod or string bean. We took 48 lbs of peas to the farmers market last weekend and SOLD OUT! So when people ask me for a discount if they buy a certain quantity, it’s difficult for me to say no, but I know I will sell them. My/our time is the same regardless if someone buys one pound or 10. Also, if we don’t sell the produce, we will eat it fresh or freeze it for ourselves.

I’m also in the Minnesota Cottage Food Producers group online. Someone said they are new to farmers markets and wanted to know what people charge for cookies. Our market is normally $6/6 cookies. Some of the other area bakers were $8-$12. When I mentioned that I charge $3/6 cookies, several of them said I needed to raise my prices. It feels strange to do that since people are used to ours being $3, and we sell out of 25-30 bags per weekend.

Then it dawned on me… this is tied to my self worth. Ouch. I don’t feel worthy of charging a fair price because I feel bad, or because I don’t take into account my time. “Acts of service/gift giving” are high on my love language scores. So normally I want to give and help but don’t expect or accept much in return. But so far this year, I have not given a discount for peas. They are a lot of work. I also have not raised my cookie prices though. Baby steps.

I help pick veggies after work or on weekends. One of my sisters was visiting last week and offered to help pick. I gladly accepted since the garden is in full swing, our son has a part time job, and my husband is working on our patio. When she brought in the bowls of peas, she had music playing. For some reason, it never dawned on me to have music in the garden. We don’t have fields of peas, beans or potatoes. We just have a very large garden. I’ve always picked in silence unless someone is out with me. A little Taylor Swift might be a good idea instead of my rambling thoughts. I would write them down, but there are too many. I’d use the “talk to text” on my phone, but that usually goes horribly wrong. The deep thoughts about cookies, peas and self worth came while I was in the garden. I thought I’d share in case anyone else was struggling.

Your time is worth something. Your talents are worth something. Don’t settle for less. Don’t discount a skill, service or product unless you feel comfortable doing so. You are enough, everybody has something to offer (that’s an old church hymn.)

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I’ll be over here deciding what cookies to bake and munching on some sugar snap peas.

D.O.O.M.

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Didn’t Organize, Only Moved. D.O.O.M. Say what you will about Tik Tok, but I certainly have learned more about ADHD from that app than anything else. Granted, I didn’t know where to look for resources either. We always assumed my husband has it. Our oldest son was diagnosed, but there wasn’t really any help or explanation or anything. Women are often not diagnosed until later in life. It makes me wonder if I should get tested. But if I did, then what? What would change? I’m not sure. I hear of so many traits that are ADHD related and I relate to so many of them. It kind of makes me feel normally abnormal.

D.O.O.M. piles are on that list. Paper is a big one. When the boys were little, it was their school papers, or mail. Now it’s work papers, receipts to be entered for the farm business, mail, thank you notes, a hundred notebooks partially filled with work notes or journal notes or manifestation/affirmation notes. The piles get moved if I know someone is coming, but otherwise they just tend to accumulate. It’s frustrating and I dislike it greatly, yet I feel like I cannot clear it, put it away or organize it. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve referred back to one of those notebooks. It rarely happens. Once I write it down, it’s out of my head and disappears from my thought bank.

Some things I want to move, but they aren’t mine, so I know that if I move it, someone will ask me where did it go? Then I will have to try and remember where it is. Keeping mental track of all of the things is exhausting. It’s a giant file cabinet that is heavy. It weighs me down like an anchor, yet I cannot get rid of it. I go in spurts where I will try to clean it up and downsize or get rid of things, but it doesn’t last. If I run out of time before someone comes over (if I’m aware they are coming), then those doom piles just get shoved into a bag or a closet.

It’s pretty vulnerable to admit this. I’m not sure why I feel so ashamed of it. I have had people help me purge stuff before, and I occasionally go through things and organize or get rid of things. Yet the doom piles remain. They creep back like an unwelcome pest. They make me feel like a failure. I feel like a terrible housekeeper. I have friends who have similar homes, yet theirs don’t bother me. I also have friends who have homes that you could walk into at any time and feel like you were at a spa or a B&B. Our house isn’t large so it doesn’t take long for the clutter to feel overwhelming.

Aside from paper, there are other doom piles in my living room currently. I won’t go into specifics. Yet the three of us will walk by most of this stuff, unable to make the move to clear it… until I know someone is coming over.

I don’t have a solution to D.O.O.M. piles, I just recently learned about it and wanted to share with you. So, if you stop by and I don’t know you’re coming over, who knows what you’ll see. Baking nights prompt a kitchen clean up, but the baking also makes another mess. I’m not off the hamster wheel yet.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you too are familiar with the D.O.O.M. piles, you’re not alone. Now I’d better go move some papers.

The longest night on the longest day…

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17 years ago, we had a 3 1/2 yr old and I was very pregnant with another. I was past my “due date” but I honestly cannot remember much of those details anymore. I just know I was very huge, tired of being asked “You didn’t have the baby yet?” and I was supposed to be induced June 22nd. My parents came to our house the day before so they could stay with Dallas while we went to the doctor in the morning. I’m sure I had lists and notes and things ready. A bag for the hospital had been packed for weeks. I kept a towel on the seat of my car & a waterproof tablecloth on my bed just in case my water broke. Months of injections due to gestational diabetes was about to come to an end. I might be able to see my feet soon. I cannot wait to meet our newest little Frueh. I kind of forgot how painful labor can be (because we must be wired that way or we probably wouldn’t repeat it). I’m ready. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m prepared.

So when everyone was getting ready for bed, I joked with my mom, “I’ll wake you up if I go into labor on my own. Otherwise, we will leave at 6am for the hospital.” And we laughed. And God chuckled. And just as my husband was starting to snore, my water broke. My memory may be sketchy at times, but I do remember saying, “I think my water broke.” And him saying, “No, it didn’t, go back to sleep.” He wanted to shower and wake up more and I wanted to get going. It was 25 minute drive to the hospital. We quickly got ready, informed my mom that I apparently was not joking about the labor thing, and headed to the hospital. We got into the car that did not have my hospital bag in it, so a few miles down the road we turned around and went back. Do I realize that I didn’t really need anything in there? Yes, I do now. But a woman in labor isn’t always rational.

I remember bits and pieces of that night. I remember it being the longest night on the longest day of the year. I couldn’t get comfortable. I tried a bath, a whole bunch of different breathing and labor positions, but it wasn’t until the epidural that things got better. The epidural almost didn’t happen. But, after almost crushing Cameron’s fingers during a contraction and practically passing out from the pain, he found the anesthesiologist and I was able to have some relief. I remember my doctor running down the hall in high heels, just in time to catch the baby. Shortly before our “originally scheduled induction,” our tiny baby boy arrived. Less than 6 lbs, but healthy at the time. The longest night on the longest day of the year was worth it. I was now a mom of boyS. Dallas was excited to meet his little brother.

Myles was in the nursery when he stopped breathing. I was in my room, trying to rest. The nurse came in to inform me that he had stopped breathing and they had revived him, but he was on his way to the NICU. Tears flowed as I prayed for my little boy to be ok. The next few days were filled with tests to try and determine what happened. Tons of waiting, lots of prayers. They never did find out. He did stop breathing again in the NICU, but was quickly brought back. My body knew I needed to be strong, so I spent a lot of time in the NICU before I was officially discharged from my room. We would go in right away to hear the info from shift change. We would stay all day as our little guy was in an incubator with cords,wires and tubes attached to him. We learned the nurses names, felt bad for the babies who were alone or for the families who lost a baby. They made sure we went home at night to rest. Some very long nights and long days. When he graduated from the incubator to the crib, we were so grateful. We are filled with joy to be able to be able to finally take him home.

I’m so thankful to say that we have a happy, almost 17 year old now. He is healthy and strong, caring and independent, creative and insightful. He doesn’t know how many people prayed for him when he was born. He cannot fathom the joy and pride I have for being his mom. He is an old soul, and he is brave in the pursuit of his dreams.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Myles, you will always be enough for me. So I’m wishing an early Happy Birthday to our miracle Myles. The longest night on the longest day will always be worth it. Love you!