Tag: #joy

Time for presence…

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Recently, we went to Stuttgart, Arkansas for the World Duck Calling Championships. Did I know this existed previously? Not really. When our son got the chance to go and represent Montana did I block off my calendar and hit the road? Yep! Did I know what a champion duck caller should sound like? Nope.

If you know me at all, you know I’m a planner. I’m an actual planner as a job, but also a planner in general – family trips, events, graduations, showers, weddings – you name it, I love to plan it. But for this trip, there was a lot of unknowns. How early should we get there? Would he be hunting? Would we leave the town? What was there to do in the town? I wasn’t sure, and this trip was not about me, Cam or Myles – it was about Dallas. Our sole purpose was to be there to support him and watch him call on a World Champion Stage. So I tried my best to not plan. Of course I had to get a hotel, but the nicer one was booked so we ended up at the Days Inn. Since Stuttgart has 9,000 people, our choices were limited. Also needed a hotel in Memphis for a night because he flew in late. Traveling the week of Thanksgiving is the most expensive time to fly, so we flew him on Monday to Memphis and Myles on Wednesday into Little Rock. Flights? Check. Hotel? Check. Car gassed up? Check.

This was one of the very few times I’ve been on vacation and actually left my computer at home. I laid out exactly what was needed to cover for me while I was gone for 8 days. Lately I have been working weekends and nights also since I deal with international customers, so being gone from Sunday to the following Monday was a bigger challenge than normal. I was determined to make it work. It was Thanksgiving, my birthday and the World Duck Calling on my agenda. I didn’t even have hotels for our driving part of the trip! I knew we couldn’t do 16+ hrs driving in a day so we’d have to split it up. Both ways I reserved the hotel rooms the day of, from the car. Look at me being all spontaneous!

Dallas made it to Memphis late Monday, and we left on Tues to head to Stuttgart. First stop, the outdoor store, of course. We wandered around the store as he talked waders and duck calls and learned some tips from someone who had been in the championship before. I’m a little surprised they didn’t kick us out for loitering. Presence. That’s what I was there for. This was important for him, so I tried to observe and listen. We also got to visit the duck call shop who made his call. He learned some more tips.

Wednesday we visited the local museum, learned more about ducks and rice, found a Wal-Mart and had some great food (catfish, crawfish tails and duck gumbo). Cam and Dallas played a few rounds of pool on the pool tables with Sitka brand logo. Presence. Slow and unplanned, but the gears in his head were churning – how would he do? What could or should he change? One of the hardest things as a parent is when you cannot fix or help. I had no advice and my cheerleading just made it worse. Myles flight was also delayed Wednesday night so it was 2:30am when we got back to the hotel. Dallas had made it back not too much before we did (takes a lot of willpower to remain sober amongst drunk duck hunters).

Thursday was Thanksgiving & we were invited for prime rib. They said we could bring a side dish. Um, most everything is closed – even Wal-Mart. There was a Dollar General that was open so we went there and found enough ingredients to make a couple of “Minnesota salads” – cookie salad and cherry cracker salad (but also had to purchase bowls to put them in, spoons and can opener etc). The food was delicious and we watched football but didn’t know anyone. Dallas had met the Sitka rep when he was blowing out sprinklers in Bozeman, and that’s how we ended up at their Thanksgiving. Most everything was closed in town so we were thankful for the invite.

Friday morning, very early, he was able to go on the hunt of a lifetime. Duck hunting in Arkansas the week of World Duck Calling Championships & with a hunting brand he loves. They got some birds that were used for duck gumbo. It helps to have butcher shop experience! He had never hunted the swampy area before so it was a fun day. When he got back, I was expecting him to have a ton of pictures. He had one video and said that hunt was as for him – he didn’t need the pictures, he wanted to be present. While he was doing that, the three of us went to Little Rock and shopped a bit. Dallas called on Friday in the Last Chance competition to try and get some nerves out of the way. (It might have made it worse) We went to the caller’s BBQ supper, which was delicious but 1,000 miles out of my comfort zone. Luckily we had talked to some chamber folks earlier and they said we could all come with him since we were from so far away etc. My attempts to cheer him up failed, so I tried to just be present.

Saturday was the big day. It had been in the mid 50’s, but the weather turned colder and rainy. The temps in the low 40’s with the rain impacts the call and also the mindset. 62 contestants got ready for the World Stage. The judges cannot see the contestants so they don’t know who anyone is. They drew numbers for calling order. He drew #1. Being the first caller for your first time is the worst place to be. He tried his best but didn’t advance. He did meet a lot of new people, learned some tips, made connections and got to do his duck call on a stage that few get to stand on.

Sunday morning, we packed the 4 of us, all of the luggage and headed towards Memphis for them to fly back home. Cam and I made our way back on some icy roads, but we arrived back on Monday. I also don’t take many pictures, which is unusual for me. I have videos of his calling events and a couple of pictures from the trip. Even though the 4 of us were together, we only took one “family” picture in the Baskin Robins having ice cream for my birthday treat. I just wanted to be around my three favorite people. Presence.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading about our little journey to Arkansas and back. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you find time for presence in the season of presents.

Bday ice cream and our only family pictures
Saturdays World Campion Duck Calling Competition
Phot from Stuttgart Chamber of Commerce (Sat)

Fight or Flight

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I’m not taking up boxing or flying anywhere soon. “Fight or Flight” has been what I’ve been feeling like internally for a while. The same thing happened last year, when early morning & late night meetings led to burn out and exhausted anxiety. Here we are again. Given the state of things, I am super happy to have a job & thankful to still be remote. The one down side is not having a set time to leave for the day. 6:15am meetings & again at 7:30 pm makes for a long day. Several counterparts are in Asia, so we need to accommodate the different time zones.

I’m in the “I wish my racing brain had a pause button” phase again. Waking up with an instant to do list in my head, things to follow up on, wondering what the day will bring isn’t healthy. I’m aware of it, and trying to remember to pause and breathe deeply. I continually feel like I’m letting people down. Since it’s nearing the year end review time at work, it’s a good chance to focus on the good things this year. Maybe gratitude & good things should be added to my daily list. I need to shift the focus.

As we near the holiday seasons, you’ll see lots of cute family photos or trips or presents. Just know that behind those photos is likely someone burned out, just trying to hang on. Also, if you ask them how they are doing, you’ll probably get an answer of “fine” or maybe the slightly more accurate answer of “busy.”

We all see things differently. I wish I knew more about neurodiversity previously. When watching an Iron Man sequence in a movie, I realized people visualize (in their mind) differently also. In the movie, Iron Man moves 3d images around using his hands. One of my boys had a lightbulb moment and said, “that’s what it’s like.” I was confused because this was a movie and it must be made up, right? Nope. All 3 of them can see things in their mind in 3d – move it around and see it from different angles. So, you never know what’s going on in someone’s mind… are they making mental list, is there a song on repeat or is there a 3d image being moved around?

Fight or flight mode isn’t something you can see most of the time. It may be like the duck feet paddling under water. Sure, there are times when people actually fight or flee, but often times it’s not something visible. People keep going about their day, Ground Hogs Day style until the song changes. Someday I will have great advice of a trick/method/magic that worked wonders. I’m not there yet.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You’re not alone, whether you’re in fight or flight mode or smooth sailing, keep going.

Healing takes many forms…

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I’m still struggling to get back to regular writing. Earlier this year, we went to AZ to visit relatives. We also did some hiking. I took this picture after I climbed a section of Chapel Rock that I was convinced I couldn’t do. “Healing in Progress” seems fitting.

We had gotten to a point in the trail that seemed daunting. Myles and Cam scrambled up the slick rocks. There was not much to hold onto and the footing area was small. I tried a few times, but couldn’t hoist myself up. I decided instead of risking injury, I would wait for them to go up and come back down. I was fine with the decision. I even stepped outside of my comfort zone and offered to take pics for strangers. There was a flat/shelf-like area and it had a stunning backdrop … great photo op. I took pictures for couples, singles, groups etc. I even gave people suggestions on how to climb the rock, based on everyone I had watched.

Me thinking I’d be fine just hanging out here
This is the rock I had difficulty with. Yes it did look like a giant butt.

A while later, Cam returned to get me. “You HAVE to come up – it’s amazing! I will help you.” So he climbed down to grab by hand and help give me a boost up. And he was right – the views were amazing! I would have been fine staying where I was, I didn’t feel defeated. I would have missed some amazing views and a whole new adventure. I saw people who I had taken photos of or who I had given unsolicited climbing advice to & they smiled and said, “you made it!” Myles was a bit shocked that strangers were acting like friends, since I’m normally pretty introverted. I figured I wouldn’t see them again, so I had nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes we need to borrow confidence & trust in ourselves.

I made it to the end of the trail

I needed this “healing in progress” reminder lately. I had to schedule my yearly MRI, but it took me 2 months to get in to see the Dr. I went in on a Wednesday for routine bloodwork, breast exam and left with orders for an MRI. While I was there, they did my flu and pneumonia shots. 5 days later, I went in for my MRI. I’ve been having them yearly for the last 10 years, so I’m aware of the routine. 1) Fill out the paperwork and try to remember details from 10 years ago, while knowing my whole extended family medical history off the top of my head. 2) Change into the giant scrub pants & two gowns (in a room that is like a closet). 3) Get IV started for upcoming contrast. 4) Lay face down with arms over head, chest through an open area in the table. 5) Close eyes to reduce claustrophobic tendencies. 6) Insert ear plugs & put on headphones with music loud enough to somewhat dampen the VERY loud MRI noises. 7) Get slid into the machine, breathe deep and try to think good thoughts for 45 min. 8) Get slid back out, helped up, re-robed and go to get dressed. Then I wait. I waited for the results to appear in my chart. When it popped in, I scanned through, looking for the benign words I’ve seen in years past. Although it didn’t say that. It said something about significantly larger lymph nodes on the left and on the right. They wanted to do an ultrasound and likely a biopsy on the right lymph node.

My heart stopped. I felt nauseous. Was the cancer back? Was this a new one? Why the lymph nodes? How quickly can I get in? I’ll spare you the long details, but since the radiology place is a different company than my Dr office, it took several days for the orders to get called over so I could schedule the ultrasound & biopsy. Oh and the one (& only) radiologist was gone, so it would be 2 weeks after the MRI before I could get in.

There is only so much that can be done to distract someone who is waiting to find out health news. I helped build a shed. I went for walks. I looked up all possible reasons for why the lymph nodes would be so swollen. One possibility was reacting to vaccines. Although 5 days should have been enough time, and I felt fine after the shots, I was hoping I was one of the few people who react with swollen lymph nodes.

I showed up early to the appointment & tried to breathe as they ultrasound the right side then the left. After, the tech asked if I was feeling OK the day of the MRI. I said I felt fine but had my shots 5 days before. Oh good, she said, because now they all seem normal. The Dr came in to look also and confirmed that things were back to normal. What an enormous relief! I went to the car & texted my guys right away and said lots of words of thanks as my eyes welled up with happy tears.

“Healing in progress” applies to us all at some point in our lives. Remember that everyone is going through something & you may not be able to see it. Act with compassion. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Cookies & fresh starts…

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I looked back at my published posts, and I haven’t written since August. I have drafts, but never published. I have things started, but lacked the confidence. Where do I begin? What do I explain? It’s been so long.

But as I was walking to the mailbox in the rain, a whole series of paragraphs flooded my mind. And, I decided it was time. Ready or not.

I made cookies for my husband’s birthday. I’ve made cakes or lemon bars in the past, but raisin cookies are his favorite. The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg filled the house and I started thinking about cookies, and how they mean something different to me than they do to most people.

Most people probably don’t think much about them. But when I think about cookies, I have a mix of emotions & memories. I remember baking cookies with my mom. I remember the special mixing fork she used (never a stand/hand mixer), the homemade frosting for sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and without, tiny gingersnaps and the people we shared them with. I remember all of the times my boys stood on a chair with their tiny aprons, helping to mix cookies, sneaking a bite of dough, dumping a whole container of sprinkles, decorating sugar cookies and saving some chocolate chips off to the side.

Cookies bring me joy. They are like a hug in the form of a treat. I’d bake when I was frustrated, as a way to calm down. I’d bake to bring treats for the kids or to a friend. As the years passed, the boys learned to bake on their own too. Last year, Myles made almost all of the treats for the Farmer’s Market. Dallas has made brownies and pies, much to the surprise of his roommates.

Cookies also bring me guilt & shame. As a T2 diabetic, I know I shouldn’t be eating them. The lower sugar or artificial sugar ones just don’t taste the same. I think I’ve only made cookies once since Christmas, so I cannot blame them on my weight. And my blood sugar has stayed remarkably “in range” despite the added pounds. I’m not exactly sure how to get past the guilt part. It’s a work in progress. Maybe I just need to focus on the joy that they bring to me and to others.

My fresh start is to get back to writing. Even for a brief while… if nothing else, just for me. It’s not something that will bring me fame or fortune, just peace. And I will probably have a cookie with my coffee.

WAIT Mode…

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It’s August 1st, yet I feel like August is already over. The jam packed “last month of summer” has my head spinning. Although I no longer need to worry about summer camps, there are still a lot of things packed into August. Our garden is in full swing, we are trying to process pickles and keep our tomatoes/onions/peppers growing for salsa, there are acting classes, bowling tournaments, trips to see family, trips with family, a comedy show and an anniversary, among many other things.

I’ve been trying to learn more about ADHD, and as I do, several of the things listed ring a bell. I never thought of myself as having ADHD. I had good grades in school, active in a lot of things, but not hyperactive. It was never considered. This is pretty common for women. Something that really resonated was the idea of “wait mode.” Wait mode is when your mind is overly focused on an upcoming event. You have a hard time accomplishing anything else because you are waiting for the other thing. Like if there is an appointment later in the day, your whole day is shot because you’re thinking about that appointment, backtracking time as to when you need to leave. How early should you be there?, What if there is traffic? What do you need to get done before the appointment? What about after? (And 100 other things). It’s common with people who have ADHD, or anxiety & depression.

So, in my head, August is almost over. On the first day. It’s like an appointment, but in the form of a month. Will I be productive in August? Probably, but I will also be thinking about these multiple events along with the timing and coordination of each. Which things overlap? What other arrangements have not been made yet? How will I manage working remotely and at different times while I’m gone? Throw in some “worst case scenario” thoughts, and it gets to be a lot. My brain needs a pause button. I’ve tried very hard not to lose myself in drinking etc, but I still grab a snack when I’m extra stressed out. Being fluffier than I’d like causes me to feel shame and talk negatively… it’s a whole loop. Growing up as Gen X, there was a lot of body shaming. That all stuck in my head. While I did not have an eating disorder, I certainly have a tricky relationship with food.

Anyway, that’s the squirrel brain tangent (just a snippet). So for August, my challenge to myself is to write it out, but be present. I have some boundary work to do also. I’m going to try to reduce the amount of “wait mode” in August. (Notice I said I wasn’t going to get rid of it, because I don’t think changing my entire personality in a month is a realistic goal.) Maybe I just need a daily reminder of what day it is today, without jumping ahead too far. Today is August 1st, and I will try to plan for today (after I write out the whole month because I am a planner by profession and it is just my nature.)

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re in wait mode also, maybe we can wait together and have some coffee.

Patience & pickles…

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Last year, we made a ton of pickles. For some reason I didn’t write down how many pints jars we made, but it was a lot. Like probably 150-200 jars. We have 4 left. We sold most of them, gifted several and ate some ourselves. Family function? I’ll bring the pickles.

The baby dill pickles are a favorite. Do you know how many tiny cucumbers it takes to make baby dills? A lot. Our cucumbers just started producing and we made our first dozen jars for the season. Pickles take patience. The seeds need to be planted, watered & weeded. The cucumber plants need to have enough sun, enough heat, and few bugs/pests. You may need to train them on a fence or trellis. Then you need to pick them just at the right time. They need to be washed and trimmed and cut. Then after the jars are washed, garlic, cucumbers and dill are added. The hot brine is poured over and the jars are water bathed. Then they need to be covered while they cool so that they seal. They need to be labeled on top and the side and boxed up for the market. Patience. It doesn’t take long to eat a jar of pickles, but it takes a long time to make a jar.

We often want instant gratification. We don’t like to wait. We are impatient if our computer is slow. People are impatient at the market (not wanting to wait in line.) It’s difficult to be patient. It’s often hard to be patient with ourselves. It takes a while to change. I’m guilty of this myself. I want to be good at my job now. I want to lose weight now. We try to rush from one thing to the next without fully experiencing the growth part. if we rush to pick, we may miss one hiding behind a leaf. They may grow into the fence or need to be guided and moved.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Enjoy the pickles, but understand they took months to make. Don’t rush past the growth phase.

I blinked again…

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Myles with Miles Axlerod cake (age 6)
Car show (18)

Our youngest son, Myles recently turned 18. The picture of him with the “Miles cake” from the Cars movie makes me smile. That grin is the best! This time for his birthday, we did some shopping (for suits of course), went to a casino, stopped at MN largest candy store and went to a car show. He starts his senior year in high school soon. Time is flying by. The next year will be filled with nostalgia, grad planning and senior year moments. It won’t be a “typical” senior year since most of his classes will be at the Technical College. He has a world full of options, more skills and talent that he realizes, and a smile that can brighten anyone’s day.

He’s embarking on a road trip soon with a fellow You Tube buddy. Am I nervous about them traveling alone? A little, but I’m more excited for them than anything. I hope that he’s picked up some tips from our previous trips. I hope he listens to his gut, keeps his phone charged and is aware of his surroundings. But mostly, I hope they have fun. I hope they create some core memories & have some amazing videos! They will learn through experience and have some great stories to tell.

I’m certainly not a parenting expert. I’ve made my share of mistakes and have some regrets. I’m thankful for the time spent together and memories made. Roots & wings, right? Boundaries, a safe space and the freedom to experience life. It must be a shocking transition to go from having too many rules to be an independent adult after graduation. I hope I’ve given them a balance.

I blinked again and he’s 18. He works at the coffee shop, has a YouTube channel (The Unspecified Show) & a podcast (Be Unspecified Podcast). He does not know what he wants to do after high school, and that’s ok. Honestly, he should just make something up. It’s really just a conversation starter – it’s not like people follow up with you later to see if you’ve done what you said. Nobody ever asked me if I was a physical therapist (original major in college). Even my degree isn’t related to what I do now.

Anyway, I hope they have a wonderful week long adventure. I can’t wait to hear about it. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re not able to go on an adventure of your own, check out their videos in a couple of weeks.

Hummingbird wisdom

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With warmer days and summer just around the corner, the hummingbird feeder came out of the garage. I make my own food for them with 1c water and 1/4c sugar. I put it up after I returned home from a work trip and it only took less than 24 hrs for them to find it. We always see hummingbirds zooming around, and it seems like they don’t stop. Their wings beat at 50-80 times per second while hovering and up to 200 times per second while in flight. (According to Google)

A flock of hummingbirds can be referred to as a bouquet, a glittering, a hover, a shimmer, or a tune. I don’t think I’ve seen a flock of them, but we usually have 2-6 each summer. They even flew to the feeder in the rain.

They do pause. They don’t stop for long, and it seems like they only do it if they feel comfortable/not threatened. They will sit at this feeder and rest. When we had a big cedar shrub near our picture window, I would also see one resting on a branch, tucked back away from the edge. I started a new job on May 1st and I went head first, hummingbird speed into my new position. Trying to soak up the new terms, contact names, locations, products and supply chains has my head spinning a bit. I need to take the hummingbird advice and pause, even for a bit. With evening meetings, I’m trying to be conscious of my time and I’ve been scheduling a pause. It may seem silly but it’s not say to get wrapped up in hummingbird speed and lose track of time. I also need to take time for writing again. It’s helpful in many ways and it’s a tool I use for making me feel more grounded (and productive.)

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. This is your reminder to pause. Oh and if you love the window mounted feeder, I got mine at Fleet Farm.

TGIF…

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I’ve lost track of time, but I’m aware that it’s Friday as I write this. I got a new job (same company), and my last day is April 30. I’ve been training someone new, which requires me to be in the office every day. I had been going to the office 2-3 days/week, but this week it’s been daily. I’m talking/training almost the whole day, which is a departure from what I’m used to. Even when I was going into the office, I wasn’t talking much throughout the day. I’d go in, lead one meeting, listen for a few others and do my work.

I learned/confirmed that my “social battery” needs recharging. I was tired and not wanting to talk when I got home. Every day this week, I just wanted to sit with the cat and be quiet. I was mad at myself for having these feelings. I diminished the impact it had on me. It was such a drastic difference from what I was used to, and it just surprised me how tired I was. How can someone be tired from talking? I literally have a Mass Communication degree.

It’s just a big change and I wasn’t very patient with myself. My friends and sisters helped to remind me that it was a temporary situation. A count down of days helped to put that into perspective. Journaling helped to release some of those thoughts (& so did crying in the shower). Too often we dismiss our own emotions, diminish them or even get mad about them like I did. I struggled with the idea of even writing about this. I know I’m not alone though. I know I’m not the only one to feel overwhelmed by constant talking or too much “people-ing,” and/or the need to feel like you fit in. Even though I’ve been here 7+ years, I felt like the new person or an outsider when I went into the office. Granted, I will be the actual new person on May 1, but that’s to be expected.

So what’s the point? Give yourself the grace that others gave to me this week. Give yourself the space to breathe, to write it out, cry it out, burn some paper, have a pet nap with you, be in nature – whatever you need to keep going.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have people to cheer you on, but also be your own best cheerleader. You can do it. It might take time. It might take some rests or breaks or cat pets, but you can do it. I believe in you.

Reminders…

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These two pictures hang in my home office. Large enough that they cannot be ignored, they serve as reminders when I feel less than. I’ve needed that reminder quite often lately.

Job searching can be quite a stressful process. Searching, applying, waiting, interviewing, waiting, etc. It’s draining and it’s difficult. Thankfully, I do have a job currently, but I’m looking to expand my role (and income), with the possibility of going back to remote work full time. It sort of feels like real-life “whack-a-mole” or an actual roller coaster. It takes a lot to pick yourself back up and try again. Some positions suggest a masters degree, which is not something I have (& really have no desire to obtain). Going back to school when I’m 50 wasn’t really in the plan. Although, the plan was kind of flimsy and changed 509 times, so I’m sure it will evolve yet again.

I think we could all use reminders. Not just reminders of doctor appointments, project due dates or grocery store list – but positive reminders. I don’t want to stick my head in the sand or in the clouds and be either all “doom & gloom,” or all “sunshine and rainbows,” but reminders are good. You are enough. Be kind. These are reminders in my home office. Visually seeing them makes me say them in my head too. They are another form of validation to help offset some of the negative chatter that goes on in my head. Perhaps I’m not alone.

I started writing this post last week and just didn’t feel like finishing. I wrote a whole page of “I AM” statements because I needed some extra reminding. This week, I got 2 interviews and some renewed confidence. Things can change. “I am open and willing to receive great things,” is another one of my favorite reminders.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You can use this as your reminder too. You are enough.