Tag: #growingup

Cookies & fresh starts…

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I looked back at my published posts, and I haven’t written since August. I have drafts, but never published. I have things started, but lacked the confidence. Where do I begin? What do I explain? It’s been so long.

But as I was walking to the mailbox in the rain, a whole series of paragraphs flooded my mind. And, I decided it was time. Ready or not.

I made cookies for my husband’s birthday. I’ve made cakes or lemon bars in the past, but raisin cookies are his favorite. The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg filled the house and I started thinking about cookies, and how they mean something different to me than they do to most people.

Most people probably don’t think much about them. But when I think about cookies, I have a mix of emotions & memories. I remember baking cookies with my mom. I remember the special mixing fork she used (never a stand/hand mixer), the homemade frosting for sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and without, tiny gingersnaps and the people we shared them with. I remember all of the times my boys stood on a chair with their tiny aprons, helping to mix cookies, sneaking a bite of dough, dumping a whole container of sprinkles, decorating sugar cookies and saving some chocolate chips off to the side.

Cookies bring me joy. They are like a hug in the form of a treat. I’d bake when I was frustrated, as a way to calm down. I’d bake to bring treats for the kids or to a friend. As the years passed, the boys learned to bake on their own too. Last year, Myles made almost all of the treats for the Farmer’s Market. Dallas has made brownies and pies, much to the surprise of his roommates.

Cookies also bring me guilt & shame. As a T2 diabetic, I know I shouldn’t be eating them. The lower sugar or artificial sugar ones just don’t taste the same. I think I’ve only made cookies once since Christmas, so I cannot blame them on my weight. And my blood sugar has stayed remarkably “in range” despite the added pounds. I’m not exactly sure how to get past the guilt part. It’s a work in progress. Maybe I just need to focus on the joy that they bring to me and to others.

My fresh start is to get back to writing. Even for a brief while… if nothing else, just for me. It’s not something that will bring me fame or fortune, just peace. And I will probably have a cookie with my coffee.

I blinked again…

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Myles with Miles Axlerod cake (age 6)
Car show (18)

Our youngest son, Myles recently turned 18. The picture of him with the “Miles cake” from the Cars movie makes me smile. That grin is the best! This time for his birthday, we did some shopping (for suits of course), went to a casino, stopped at MN largest candy store and went to a car show. He starts his senior year in high school soon. Time is flying by. The next year will be filled with nostalgia, grad planning and senior year moments. It won’t be a “typical” senior year since most of his classes will be at the Technical College. He has a world full of options, more skills and talent that he realizes, and a smile that can brighten anyone’s day.

He’s embarking on a road trip soon with a fellow You Tube buddy. Am I nervous about them traveling alone? A little, but I’m more excited for them than anything. I hope that he’s picked up some tips from our previous trips. I hope he listens to his gut, keeps his phone charged and is aware of his surroundings. But mostly, I hope they have fun. I hope they create some core memories & have some amazing videos! They will learn through experience and have some great stories to tell.

I’m certainly not a parenting expert. I’ve made my share of mistakes and have some regrets. I’m thankful for the time spent together and memories made. Roots & wings, right? Boundaries, a safe space and the freedom to experience life. It must be a shocking transition to go from having too many rules to be an independent adult after graduation. I hope I’ve given them a balance.

I blinked again and he’s 18. He works at the coffee shop, has a YouTube channel (The Unspecified Show) & a podcast (Be Unspecified Podcast). He does not know what he wants to do after high school, and that’s ok. Honestly, he should just make something up. It’s really just a conversation starter – it’s not like people follow up with you later to see if you’ve done what you said. Nobody ever asked me if I was a physical therapist (original major in college). Even my degree isn’t related to what I do now.

Anyway, I hope they have a wonderful week long adventure. I can’t wait to hear about it. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re not able to go on an adventure of your own, check out their videos in a couple of weeks.

Comfort stars…

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I can’t tell you how many bowls of chicken noodle soup I’ve had in my lifetime, but I can tell you for sure that number of bowls consumed while sick far outweighs the bowls I’ve had when I felt well. From Lipton noodle soup to Campbell’s Chicken & Stars, those were the traditional comfort foods when I had a cold or didn’t feel well. (And of course, some saltine crackers.)

It’s interesting how many emotions can be stirred up by different foods. Often we think of celebrations, traditions, highs or lows. We might be able to remember the sweet or savory tastes and smells while being transported back in time. Having chicken & stars soup tonight made me think of our old green and gold sofa. As I sat on my own gold/yellow sofa, I thought of all of the times my mom made soup for me when I was sick. There may be some negative food related memories, but for me, they were mostly positive.

I had a health coach tell me to remove the emotion from food, and just see it as fuel for the body. I wasn’t very successful with that concept. Even “mindless snacking” is often a form of self soothing/comfort. Sharing food or cooking and baking for someone is often an expression of love. It’s a form of gift giving, by sharing your talents and resources. It’s one of the things that brings me joy. While I don’t necessarily have fancy or expensive taste, I do appreciate good food. I also gravitate to the foods that are tied to a memory of a person or an event.

Now that I’m physically back in the office half of the time, I’m sure my cubicle neighbor thinks a goat moved in next door since I do like to snack. Surprisingly, I think I snacked less when my kitchen was 30 feet from my office. Maybe I’ll incorporate some comfort snacks into my desk drawer stash. For tonight, I’ll have my “comfort stars” in hopes of warding off a cold.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. What are some of your favorite comfort foods? Which ones bring you back to a special birthday or celebration? Do you have a family tradition or a favorite dish your grandma made?

Weren’t you just 10 yesterday?

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Time really does fly by. Do I write about it every year? Well, it’s true. Seems like my oldest boy was just 10 or just 5, but now he’s turning 21. No longer a little boy with a buzz cut, now he’s a man with much longer, curly locks.

There are a few milestone birthdays, and this is one of them. I don’t think I was fully prepared to be spending so many of his birthdays without him after he turned 18. I certainly have some core memories from the day he was born and many birthdays and parties since then. A January birthday in the upper Midwest is a bit of a surprise for what the weather will be like. Cold is a pretty good bet though. 18 is another milestone and our youngest turns 18 this summer. As I see ads for senior pictures, it all makes me pause. When did my two little guys become men?

Being a parent to teens/young adults isn’t easier… it’s just a different set of worries. Instead of “Bob the Builder” or “Minecraft” t shirts, it’s welding work boots for one and suits for the other. Instead of “Hot Wheels” races, it’s actual fender benders with trucks and cars. Sleepless nights with babies changes into late nights waiting for them to get home, or talking on the phone later because one of them is a time zone ahead.

I love these two humans more than they can comprehend… more than I say. One day they might understand if they chose to have kids. Either way, I will love them through their highs and lows, loves and heartaches, triumphs and disappointments and everything in between. It’s the silly little stuff they remember- not always the grand gestures, big gifts or trips. As long as they know that I’m their safe space, their home base, their unconditional fan…. I’ll be happy.

So, happy birthday to my legal adult son. I’d say “don’t over do it,” but I know better. Be safe. Thank you for still calling your mom. I love getting to share in the details of your life.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I’m thankful for the passage of time… it means I’m still here!

Empty, full or none at all?

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Happy Holidays! For me, I celebrate Christmas but I also respect the fact that there are many different holidays this time of year. Last night we went to a Rock & Roll Christmas program. It was fun – they put traditional songs to rock music. We are picking up our son tonight and will travel this weekend to see more family. After a year of many health issues for my family, I’m thankful we can be together. We will miss out on seeing my in-laws since some are in AZ and some in NC.

I’ve seen a lot of articles about moms not having Christmas stockings. I can honestly say I don’t have one. But neither does my husband. Neither of us have one, in fact I don’t think we have the whole time we have been married. I’m fine with it. I feel bad if it’s one sided but since neither of us have one, it doesn’t really matter to me. Quite honestly, I stink at gift giving to my hubby anyway. For everyone else, I usually do well. Not for him… something I think will be great goes unused. Not having to figure out stocking gifts for him is one less thing on my holiday “to do” list.

Much of the holiday “burden” typically falls on the mom. Planning, gift buying/wrapping, organizing, meal planning/prep/making, decorating, cleaning before and after, making sure the cards are sent, all the relatives have gifts, shipping packages in time, and trying to create magical core memories. We are also probably working full time, might have used up our vacation so we don’t have a holiday break, we might have put on a few pounds, are trying to have grace with ourselves and keep our cool. We don’t want to miss out, take things for granted or have regrets.

Everyone is at a different place during the holidays. Some people get to be with family and friends, while others may spend it alone. There may be a full house or an empty chair at the table. There may be piles of gifts or families barely scraping by. We can’t assume we know what’s going on with someone else. It’s also not our job to judge. If you’re able, do what makes you happy and try to share some joy with someone else. Maybe you’re on the receiving end of help or compassion… that’s ok too.

My goals this holiday season are to spend time with my family, enjoy some delicious food, have a fun time playing games and laughing until my stomach hurts. I want to hug my family and frost sugar cookies with my boys who are no longer little. I want to bless a stranger and have more patience. What are your goals?

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Whether your stocking is empty, full or none at all, just make sure you’re on the same page. Have the discussion. You might be glad you did.

Beans, clouds and tea parties?

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What do these things have in common? Boston, MA. I mean, there are clouds everywhere, but I’ll be flying in them today. Why Boston? Why not? It’s not super hot or cold and there is plenty to do. Plus, it’s someplace we haven’t been. There is a list of ideas for things to do, places to eat and only one reservation (aside from hotels). The weather looks great and I think our long weekend will be fun. Next week, our youngest son starts classes at the tech school with (junior year) high school classes starting after Labor Day.

With his high school and tech classes, Mama Mia musical practice and working part time, along with his You Tube channel (The Unspecified Show), this seemed like the best time to take a trip. I don’t have the facts, but I’m guessing that most people will not say, “I wish I would not have traveled so much,” looking back at their life. Maybe if they traveled for work and didn’t like it – but recreationally? Yeah, I’m not going to regret these little trips. And I’ll probably share pictures of our trip, because maybe you’ve never been to Boston and you’d like to see it. Maybe you have been, but it’s fun to see it from our point of view.

When we went to NYC, we shared lots of pictures because we packed a ton of stuff into our trip. But one of Cam’s friends said, “It’s fun to see it from a whole new perspective.” They lived in NYC, but hadn’t done some of the “tourist stuff,” and got some ideas of things they wanted to try.

Maybe someday we will take a trip to relax on a beach, but not yet. For now, we will pack our walking shoes and have our cameras ready.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re not able to travel in person, travel in your mind with a good book or a Discovery channel documentary.

The longest night on the longest day…

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17 years ago, we had a 3 1/2 yr old and I was very pregnant with another. I was past my “due date” but I honestly cannot remember much of those details anymore. I just know I was very huge, tired of being asked “You didn’t have the baby yet?” and I was supposed to be induced June 22nd. My parents came to our house the day before so they could stay with Dallas while we went to the doctor in the morning. I’m sure I had lists and notes and things ready. A bag for the hospital had been packed for weeks. I kept a towel on the seat of my car & a waterproof tablecloth on my bed just in case my water broke. Months of injections due to gestational diabetes was about to come to an end. I might be able to see my feet soon. I cannot wait to meet our newest little Frueh. I kind of forgot how painful labor can be (because we must be wired that way or we probably wouldn’t repeat it). I’m ready. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m prepared.

So when everyone was getting ready for bed, I joked with my mom, “I’ll wake you up if I go into labor on my own. Otherwise, we will leave at 6am for the hospital.” And we laughed. And God chuckled. And just as my husband was starting to snore, my water broke. My memory may be sketchy at times, but I do remember saying, “I think my water broke.” And him saying, “No, it didn’t, go back to sleep.” He wanted to shower and wake up more and I wanted to get going. It was 25 minute drive to the hospital. We quickly got ready, informed my mom that I apparently was not joking about the labor thing, and headed to the hospital. We got into the car that did not have my hospital bag in it, so a few miles down the road we turned around and went back. Do I realize that I didn’t really need anything in there? Yes, I do now. But a woman in labor isn’t always rational.

I remember bits and pieces of that night. I remember it being the longest night on the longest day of the year. I couldn’t get comfortable. I tried a bath, a whole bunch of different breathing and labor positions, but it wasn’t until the epidural that things got better. The epidural almost didn’t happen. But, after almost crushing Cameron’s fingers during a contraction and practically passing out from the pain, he found the anesthesiologist and I was able to have some relief. I remember my doctor running down the hall in high heels, just in time to catch the baby. Shortly before our “originally scheduled induction,” our tiny baby boy arrived. Less than 6 lbs, but healthy at the time. The longest night on the longest day of the year was worth it. I was now a mom of boyS. Dallas was excited to meet his little brother.

Myles was in the nursery when he stopped breathing. I was in my room, trying to rest. The nurse came in to inform me that he had stopped breathing and they had revived him, but he was on his way to the NICU. Tears flowed as I prayed for my little boy to be ok. The next few days were filled with tests to try and determine what happened. Tons of waiting, lots of prayers. They never did find out. He did stop breathing again in the NICU, but was quickly brought back. My body knew I needed to be strong, so I spent a lot of time in the NICU before I was officially discharged from my room. We would go in right away to hear the info from shift change. We would stay all day as our little guy was in an incubator with cords,wires and tubes attached to him. We learned the nurses names, felt bad for the babies who were alone or for the families who lost a baby. They made sure we went home at night to rest. Some very long nights and long days. When he graduated from the incubator to the crib, we were so grateful. We are filled with joy to be able to be able to finally take him home.

I’m so thankful to say that we have a happy, almost 17 year old now. He is healthy and strong, caring and independent, creative and insightful. He doesn’t know how many people prayed for him when he was born. He cannot fathom the joy and pride I have for being his mom. He is an old soul, and he is brave in the pursuit of his dreams.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Myles, you will always be enough for me. So I’m wishing an early Happy Birthday to our miracle Myles. The longest night on the longest day will always be worth it. Love you!

Life is short, try something new…

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Last week, our son, Myles decided he wanted to go camping… alone. We live 5 minutes from the state park so it’s not like this was a long trip. He drove over and scoped out the spots that would be good for a tent. I reserved a tenting spot for him & made some suggestions on what to take. He packed the car with food, tent, supplies and was off on his adventure.

He has a You Tube channel, The Unspecified Show, and wanted to film for his channel. He’s just 16 (almost 17), but if you know him, you’d know he is an old soul and a responsible kid. He filmed many hours of video – setting up an 8 person tent alone, getting fire started and cooking meals, hiking, fishing and more. He came home briefly to download some of the video and free up space, but he solo camped for 3 days/2 nights. It even rained. Twice.

Part of his meal experimentation was using pie irons. He made a chocolate cherry pie (pictured) – he said it was delicious. He invited us over for one meal and we had tacos in the pie irons also. He made eggs and bacon on his own. I was so proud of him. It may seem strange, but it’s one of those moments when you realize your kids have been (mostly) paying attention. We’ve gone camping since Myles was a baby. We had the playpen in the tent and he would take naps in there. After a few very rainy, very cold tenting experiences, we switched to mainly staying in the state park camper cabins. That way, you can eat indoors and play cards if it rains. We cook all of our meals over the fire, but still bring a small cook stove for pancakes. Myles skipped the cook stove this time.

He posted “Day 1” on his channel. I encourage you to check it out. Day 2 and 3 will be coming out soon also, but he’s been working at the Deja Bleu coffee truck this week, so he’s been busy.

His brother, Dallas also tried something new recently. He decided to do “ranch bronc” riding at the rodeo in Bozeman. He said, “I’m only 20 once.” Yes, this is true, but I’d like you to see 21 also (ha ha). He got bucked off right away, but he’s going to try it again. We never had horses ourselves. He always wanted to rodeo when he was little, but it wasn’t an option really. When your son is 20 years old and 13 hours away from you, there isn’t much more you can do other than pray he makes it out of the arena in one piece. It’s either super brave or super crazy to try this. Maybe a little of both!

I’m wondering what I should try that’s new for me? I’m going to try self publishing a couple of books. That might be my “out of my comfort zone/new thing.” I’m sure there is more. What’s a bucket list item you’d suggest?

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Enjoy your life, take the chances, ride the horse or go solo camping. You can do it, I believe in you.

Parallels of gardens & life…

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Our yellow peonies were moved from Kindred to Argusville to Oakes to Carlos. They are thriving on the south side of our house. (The pine needles are another story!) they started to bloom last week. Sometimes the move shocked them a little and it took a while to bounce back. Other times they thrived and grew beautifully, always reminding me of home.

Onions. Freshly weeded & compost added

These are the onions in our garden. My husband weeded them and carefully added compost. They have drip irrigation in between the 2 rows. It has been much needed after a late spring and a hot start to summer.

Potatoes, newly hilled

These are our potatoes. They also have drip irrigation and have been newly hilled. Potato beetles have started to show up and will need some attention.

The rest of the garden, minus carrots

The rest of our garden is zucchini, peas, tomatoes & peppers, peas, peas, cucumbers, beets and beans are up front. Raspberries are on the side and chokecherries in the back. (Not pictured is rhubarb & asparagus). These rows have either straw, cardboard & grass, or burlap sacks down the walking rows. It helps reduce weeds. It’s also irrigated. There is a fence for the peas, and will be for the tomatoes & cucumbers also. The pallet “tents” have squash on each side. It will grow up and over.

18 Irish Spring

18 Irish Spring used to help keep the bunnies from eating the peas and cucumbers. I guess the cat has not scared them away yet. Either the bunnies will be deterred, or my garden will smell like a fresh bath.

Why am I showing you my garden and plants? I think we are similar. We may bloom where we are planted, but sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes we need some help from a caretaker who isn’t afraid of getting dirty or pulling thistles. We learn over time what we need to thrive. We need help from each other to grow and flourish. Just as our plants need sunlight and water, we too need to spend time outside and be sure we are hydrated. Tonight, the bees were busy in the raspberries, helping to make sure we have a great berry crop.

Gardening is a lot of work, but the rewards of fresh produce are great. We are able to be nourished by something we tended to and cared for. We get to share that with others also. There are circumstances beyond our control, such has heat, rain/lack of rain, storms or pests. We do the best to manage what we can. There are just so many parallels with life, raising a family, and the cycles we go through. Sometimes we bloom and thrive, and sometimes we just need a little help.

Wherever you are on your journey in life, you are enough. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Today is World Cancer Awareness Day. I’m an 8 year cancer survivor, and asking for help was one of the biggest things I learned through that struggle. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Looking forward to a great harvest!

They’re looking for you…

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That’s our son, Myles, on the 40 yard line waving to us in the stands. We had a home track meet last week, so we went to cheer them on. He ran the mile (his fastest time this season), and the 4×400 relay. We weren’t there for the whole meet, but we did get to see both of his events. Even though it was a home meet, the stands were not full. The parking lot was – there were ball games and soccer at the same time.

He spotted us in the stands and grinned or nodded. This time he saw me taking pics and gave a wave. He looks for us to be there. I’m not sure if he’d admit that he likes having us there or not, but we try to go to the events. Each time, he scans the stands to see if we are there. We sit through rain, wind, heat and cold… if he is running, we try to be there. We aren’t perfect parents. Nobody is. We try to show up because it’s important to him. He’s looking for us.

I saw a quote recently that said, “Your job won’t remember the nights you worked late, but your kids will.” I know sometimes it seems necessary to work late, and sometimes it is. Often times though, things could wait until tomorrow. If family is important to you, try your best to be there for them. They’re looking for you in the stands. They are also looking to us as examples. They look at how we spend our time. Do our priorities match with our allocation of time? Could we rearrange something to make it work?

Time slips through our fingers, and before we know it, there won’t be track meets to cheer at. We may not remember the score of an event or the time he ran a certain race, but we will remember being there. Hopefully he will too. My older sisters still remember my dad being at the track meet in a snowmobile suit (snow flurries!) I remember the hot cocoa. That was many years ago.

Go to the meet, the game, the match, the run, the concert, the performance, the musical, the play… all of the things. If you cannot go, let them know why and ask questions about it later. Kids don’t always want to let their parents know what’s important to them. They might not want to say the words, “I’m looking for you,” or “I’d like you to be there.” They may not even acknowledge your presence….but I’m willing to bet they smile a little when they see you (even if it’s just in their head).

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Don’t “mom guilt” yourself if you cannot be there – I just want you to be aware that they might be looking for you.

(Last choir concert was tonight, since he’s not in it next year and tomorrow is the last track meet of the year. I’ll be there!)