Tag: #grace

Is the grass greener?

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“The grass is always greener on the other side.” Or is it? The local deer aren’t a big fan of the grass in our yard but they do love the hosta! See that one big green leaf in the front? It should all look like that – but instead it is a snack for the deer. We’ve tried to deter them with Irish Spring, hair clippings, cayenne pepper & almost every other home remedy or wives’ tale. Nothing works. They are determined to have the treat. It must be delicious, but I’ll take their word for it.

Why don’t they eat dandelions, clover or those other annoying weeds in my plantings? Could be the same reason I’d rather have a cookie than kale. That would be cool though, if I could teach them to like those pesky weeds instead of my plants. Maybe the deer are just reminding me that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. A new job has me testing my limits. Even though it’s similar, I feel like I’ve been on a very fast roller coaster for the last 1.5 months. Kind of like Space Mountain, twisting and turning in the dark. My self care has been a challenge, hence the lack of writing. I also have to make time to take a lunch break and get up and walk around. While I learn a bunch of new things and get up to speed at work, I have to remember boundaries & breathing. Saying no, not right now is a challenge.

I struggle with the balance between “positive vibes” and “feeling the feels.” If I try to tell myself things are going great, a very large internal voice says (lots of swear words) & “THAT’S NOT TRUE!” So there is a balance between acknowledging that I feel like things are not OK, and not wanting to manifest things “not being ok.” The expectations I have on myself for how quickly I can get up to speed at my new job are completely unrealistic. If someone else told me they expect to remember all of the things, know the new terms, new team members, new countries, etc. all in less than 2 months, I would tell them they are nuts. Yet for some reason I expect myself to, and continually feel “not enough” in soooo many ways. I’m in another season of life where I’d like to be able to put my mind on pause. And/or escape for a while.

I’m an emotional eater. Maybe the deer are also. Maybe they are stressed out by coyotes and bears- so they munch on hosta and eat my bird food. I’m trying to find better things to snack on, but I’m also trying to pick my battles and frankly, sometimes the potato chips win. I get so consumed with the “right way” to handle things, that I forget my unique personality. Right for someone else isn’t always right for me.

I don’t have any great advice. I don’t have any wonderful examples of work/life balance or balance in general. I’m just here to tell you that it’s ok to not be ok. Just don’t give up. Also if you ask me how I am, I will probably tell you I’m fine. I’m not fine, but I’m not giving up. I will still show up for everyone else, and I will preserve as much of my sense of self that I can. I will try to find one good thing each day and little by little, those “good things” will become “great things” and they will multiply.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re barely hanging on, keep going. You can do it. We both can.

Grace like snow…

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In MN, it seems like winter has overstayed its welcome. Since it’s only mid-February, I know we are a few months from spring. Heck, we’ve had snow in May, so it’s possible. When I saw this picture comparing grace to a snowfall, I thought it was a good analogy. Grace covering everything like snow… powerful image, isn’t it? Just like the snow not being able to avoid certain houses, grace doesn’t pick and choose.

The God I believe in shows grace to everyone. The God I believe in loves all of us because he created us. The God I believe in wants us to show grace to each other and to ourselves. Somewhere along the line, “love one another” became less important than being right. I picture God waiting, shaking his head a little, hoping we will embrace kindness and grace. He’s waiting for us to see the snow all around us. The grace.

It’s not just grace for me and my house, it’s grace for all. Grace for the teachers struggling to teach our kids without the support they need. Grace for the servers in the restaurant trying to make ends meet. Grace for the healthcare workers trying to save our loved ones. So many examples of people struggling, yet so many people just wanting to be right. We need grace. We need kindness. We need to smile at each other. We need to pause and listen to the answer after we ask, “How are you doing?” And we need to be willing to give an honest answer.

Over the last two years, we’ve lost friends, relatives, jobs, routines, safety and a sense of normalcy. Instead of trying to come together, people are just wanting to win the argument. This has my conflict avoidance mode on high alert and I just want the snowy grace instead. If you’ve experienced a snowfall without wind, it’s a beautiful thing. The air is crisp and calm and quiet. It’s what I envisioned when I saw this picture.

I am a bit of an open book in some aspects, yet I don’t like to create waves. I’m afraid of people attacking me for what I believe. But I’m tired. I’m tired of the middle of the road. I’m tired of the anger and fear and finger pointing. But can one person make a difference? Yes. One person can make a difference even to just one more person. Grace and peace to just one more person. Then it can ripple like waves on the water.

“Put your own mask on before assisting others.” They say it every time you fly. Same goes for grace. You must show grace and love to yourself or you cannot give it to others. That grace you show them might be what helps them through their day, through their shift, through their grief, through their illness. Less judging and more grace.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Peace like a new fallen snow, and when you see that snowfall, think of God’s grace.

Grace …

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“the condition or fact of being favored by someone”

synonyms: favor, approval, approbation, acceptance, esteem, regard, respect; goodwill

Grace. There are at least 5 different meanings when I look it up. I felt it the other night. We were at church for confirmation & the parents go to a small group while the kids are in their own group. It’s led by a lady who is trained in the “Nurtured Heart” approach. Our previous school did lots of things with this. My husband had gone to training in it also. She talked about how we need to give our kids a safe place. We shouldn’t be hard on them or freak out at them. Some parents talked about their kids being perfectionists. I said that I just wanted mine to care more so I didn’t have to hound him to do homework. I sat with my arms crossed, feeling like a failure. I’m sure my body language was obvious.

I yell. I hound. I curse (out loud & in my head… not out loud at church of course). After the parent session was over, I grumbled in my head and met Dallas to go home. In the car, we talked about what our groups were doing. “What are they doing in your group, Mom?” My summary was less than stellar (apologies to the church people who may read this). “We talked about the Nurtured Heart.” He asked what it was. “Well, I’m not supposed to freak out at you, so I’m feeling like a $@&y mom.” His voice sounded surprised. “You’re not a crappy mom, you’re a great mom.” I told him how I felt bad for hounding him to do homework & turn stuff in. He said that it was ok, & he actually appreciates it because sometimes he forgets. 

Grace. 

9th grade in a new, big school is overwhelming. I guess it’s ok for your mom to remind you to turn in your stuff. If I hadn’t talked about this, I would have gone home, playing that crappy Mom scenario over and over in my head. I would have made up a whole story that was negative and self-hating. Instead, I asked and he gave me grace.

Fast forward to parent teacher conferences last night… there were some assignments that still weren’t turned in. While talking with the teachers, they were more than willing to let him turn the work in still. Grace. Because he asked. Because he cared. 

Grace. I’ve seen the word pop up a number of times in the last week. I started writing and then stopped. Put my blog post in “draft” mode and waited. But it appeared again and today, so someone needs to hear about Grace. To me, it means acceptance, forgiveness & love. I need to show it to my son more. I need to show it to myself more. I’m guessing you need it too. We all do. 

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you keep your hearts open to give grace & accept grace along the way.