Tag: #faith

Letting go…

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I sat there in my blue hospital gowns and pants, waiting. Listening to their conversation and trying to think positive thoughts. It’s been almost 3 years since I started working from home. I’m aware now that the “office small talk” is something I no longer have. I don’t hear about people’s lives and what’s going on. I don’t hear about weekend plans or what’s happening with office dynamics. I used to have best friends that I worked with, but that was years ago. When I was promoted to be a supervisor, many of those friendships ended… they all changed. It left me guarded, hesitant to open up. Eventually I became friends with coworkers again when I stepped back from managing people. But then I moved. I let go of the comfort of familiar friends and departed into unfamiliar territory.

For some reason, I’m still guarded. I assume it’s a “self preservation” tactic… guarding my heart from potential heart break. It also means I’m missing out. Missing out on connections and deeper friendships. I waiver back and forth between being ok with a small inner circle and feeling like I wish I had a large group of friends to do things with. I do have close friends, but I don’t have that big group… the “let’s go do something all together” type group. I don’t know what is right or better. It’s different for everyone. When one of my closest friends pulled away from me, I went through a grieving process. I felt like a puppy, wondering what I did wrong. I still long for those days when I can text or pick up the phone at any time, but I can’t. It’s different. Our paths diverged and I just wasn’t ready for it. I closed up more, put up another layer of walls, even though I know I shouldn’t. I need to let go of the “should’ve done” and stop reliving what I think I should have done differently.

Things at work have changed a lot over the last 6 months. I still have my job, which is great. I’m not sure where my writing will take me, as it has to be a night and weekend kind of thing. It’s still a constant struggle of feeling good enough. If I spend all this time writing, would anyone buy the book? If I try to write copy part time, will I get enough clients? I’m still learning to let go. I’m still trying to build up the confidence that I know lives deep inside. Maybe because it’s not a “one and done” event… it’s a constant evolution.

Why was I in hospital gowns? Routine MRI. Still makes me pause. Reminds me to be thankful for all of my years cancer free. Gives me 45 minutes with just my thoughts and a really loud MRI machine with an IV in my arm and my chest through a hole in the table. I can’t run from my thoughts or get distracted with a pile of clothes to fold. I’m letting go of fears… acknowledging them but releasing them. They don’t serve me well.

What do you need to let go of? Emotional? Physical things? Expectations? Fears? The past? Give yourself some grace and some space as you work though it. I’ll be there too.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You’ve got this, you can do it.

The longest night on the longest day…

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17 years ago, we had a 3 1/2 yr old and I was very pregnant with another. I was past my “due date” but I honestly cannot remember much of those details anymore. I just know I was very huge, tired of being asked “You didn’t have the baby yet?” and I was supposed to be induced June 22nd. My parents came to our house the day before so they could stay with Dallas while we went to the doctor in the morning. I’m sure I had lists and notes and things ready. A bag for the hospital had been packed for weeks. I kept a towel on the seat of my car & a waterproof tablecloth on my bed just in case my water broke. Months of injections due to gestational diabetes was about to come to an end. I might be able to see my feet soon. I cannot wait to meet our newest little Frueh. I kind of forgot how painful labor can be (because we must be wired that way or we probably wouldn’t repeat it). I’m ready. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m prepared.

So when everyone was getting ready for bed, I joked with my mom, “I’ll wake you up if I go into labor on my own. Otherwise, we will leave at 6am for the hospital.” And we laughed. And God chuckled. And just as my husband was starting to snore, my water broke. My memory may be sketchy at times, but I do remember saying, “I think my water broke.” And him saying, “No, it didn’t, go back to sleep.” He wanted to shower and wake up more and I wanted to get going. It was 25 minute drive to the hospital. We quickly got ready, informed my mom that I apparently was not joking about the labor thing, and headed to the hospital. We got into the car that did not have my hospital bag in it, so a few miles down the road we turned around and went back. Do I realize that I didn’t really need anything in there? Yes, I do now. But a woman in labor isn’t always rational.

I remember bits and pieces of that night. I remember it being the longest night on the longest day of the year. I couldn’t get comfortable. I tried a bath, a whole bunch of different breathing and labor positions, but it wasn’t until the epidural that things got better. The epidural almost didn’t happen. But, after almost crushing Cameron’s fingers during a contraction and practically passing out from the pain, he found the anesthesiologist and I was able to have some relief. I remember my doctor running down the hall in high heels, just in time to catch the baby. Shortly before our “originally scheduled induction,” our tiny baby boy arrived. Less than 6 lbs, but healthy at the time. The longest night on the longest day of the year was worth it. I was now a mom of boyS. Dallas was excited to meet his little brother.

Myles was in the nursery when he stopped breathing. I was in my room, trying to rest. The nurse came in to inform me that he had stopped breathing and they had revived him, but he was on his way to the NICU. Tears flowed as I prayed for my little boy to be ok. The next few days were filled with tests to try and determine what happened. Tons of waiting, lots of prayers. They never did find out. He did stop breathing again in the NICU, but was quickly brought back. My body knew I needed to be strong, so I spent a lot of time in the NICU before I was officially discharged from my room. We would go in right away to hear the info from shift change. We would stay all day as our little guy was in an incubator with cords,wires and tubes attached to him. We learned the nurses names, felt bad for the babies who were alone or for the families who lost a baby. They made sure we went home at night to rest. Some very long nights and long days. When he graduated from the incubator to the crib, we were so grateful. We are filled with joy to be able to be able to finally take him home.

I’m so thankful to say that we have a happy, almost 17 year old now. He is healthy and strong, caring and independent, creative and insightful. He doesn’t know how many people prayed for him when he was born. He cannot fathom the joy and pride I have for being his mom. He is an old soul, and he is brave in the pursuit of his dreams.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Myles, you will always be enough for me. So I’m wishing an early Happy Birthday to our miracle Myles. The longest night on the longest day will always be worth it. Love you!

Life is short, try something new…

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Last week, our son, Myles decided he wanted to go camping… alone. We live 5 minutes from the state park so it’s not like this was a long trip. He drove over and scoped out the spots that would be good for a tent. I reserved a tenting spot for him & made some suggestions on what to take. He packed the car with food, tent, supplies and was off on his adventure.

He has a You Tube channel, The Unspecified Show, and wanted to film for his channel. He’s just 16 (almost 17), but if you know him, you’d know he is an old soul and a responsible kid. He filmed many hours of video – setting up an 8 person tent alone, getting fire started and cooking meals, hiking, fishing and more. He came home briefly to download some of the video and free up space, but he solo camped for 3 days/2 nights. It even rained. Twice.

Part of his meal experimentation was using pie irons. He made a chocolate cherry pie (pictured) – he said it was delicious. He invited us over for one meal and we had tacos in the pie irons also. He made eggs and bacon on his own. I was so proud of him. It may seem strange, but it’s one of those moments when you realize your kids have been (mostly) paying attention. We’ve gone camping since Myles was a baby. We had the playpen in the tent and he would take naps in there. After a few very rainy, very cold tenting experiences, we switched to mainly staying in the state park camper cabins. That way, you can eat indoors and play cards if it rains. We cook all of our meals over the fire, but still bring a small cook stove for pancakes. Myles skipped the cook stove this time.

He posted “Day 1” on his channel. I encourage you to check it out. Day 2 and 3 will be coming out soon also, but he’s been working at the Deja Bleu coffee truck this week, so he’s been busy.

His brother, Dallas also tried something new recently. He decided to do “ranch bronc” riding at the rodeo in Bozeman. He said, “I’m only 20 once.” Yes, this is true, but I’d like you to see 21 also (ha ha). He got bucked off right away, but he’s going to try it again. We never had horses ourselves. He always wanted to rodeo when he was little, but it wasn’t an option really. When your son is 20 years old and 13 hours away from you, there isn’t much more you can do other than pray he makes it out of the arena in one piece. It’s either super brave or super crazy to try this. Maybe a little of both!

I’m wondering what I should try that’s new for me? I’m going to try self publishing a couple of books. That might be my “out of my comfort zone/new thing.” I’m sure there is more. What’s a bucket list item you’d suggest?

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Enjoy your life, take the chances, ride the horse or go solo camping. You can do it, I believe in you.

Parallels of gardens & life…

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Our yellow peonies were moved from Kindred to Argusville to Oakes to Carlos. They are thriving on the south side of our house. (The pine needles are another story!) they started to bloom last week. Sometimes the move shocked them a little and it took a while to bounce back. Other times they thrived and grew beautifully, always reminding me of home.

Onions. Freshly weeded & compost added

These are the onions in our garden. My husband weeded them and carefully added compost. They have drip irrigation in between the 2 rows. It has been much needed after a late spring and a hot start to summer.

Potatoes, newly hilled

These are our potatoes. They also have drip irrigation and have been newly hilled. Potato beetles have started to show up and will need some attention.

The rest of the garden, minus carrots

The rest of our garden is zucchini, peas, tomatoes & peppers, peas, peas, cucumbers, beets and beans are up front. Raspberries are on the side and chokecherries in the back. (Not pictured is rhubarb & asparagus). These rows have either straw, cardboard & grass, or burlap sacks down the walking rows. It helps reduce weeds. It’s also irrigated. There is a fence for the peas, and will be for the tomatoes & cucumbers also. The pallet “tents” have squash on each side. It will grow up and over.

18 Irish Spring

18 Irish Spring used to help keep the bunnies from eating the peas and cucumbers. I guess the cat has not scared them away yet. Either the bunnies will be deterred, or my garden will smell like a fresh bath.

Why am I showing you my garden and plants? I think we are similar. We may bloom where we are planted, but sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes we need some help from a caretaker who isn’t afraid of getting dirty or pulling thistles. We learn over time what we need to thrive. We need help from each other to grow and flourish. Just as our plants need sunlight and water, we too need to spend time outside and be sure we are hydrated. Tonight, the bees were busy in the raspberries, helping to make sure we have a great berry crop.

Gardening is a lot of work, but the rewards of fresh produce are great. We are able to be nourished by something we tended to and cared for. We get to share that with others also. There are circumstances beyond our control, such has heat, rain/lack of rain, storms or pests. We do the best to manage what we can. There are just so many parallels with life, raising a family, and the cycles we go through. Sometimes we bloom and thrive, and sometimes we just need a little help.

Wherever you are on your journey in life, you are enough. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Today is World Cancer Awareness Day. I’m an 8 year cancer survivor, and asking for help was one of the biggest things I learned through that struggle. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Looking forward to a great harvest!

Signs…

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If you know me personally, you may know that I believe in signs. Signs from the universe, signs from God, signs from angels, signs from our passed loved ones… I believe they show up to guide us. We just aren’t always looking.

Cardinals are often associated with signs from loved ones. They also like pine trees. Since we are surrounded by a hundred or so, we see a pair of cardinals every year. This year, they decided to nest right in the tree/bush right by our front window (I’m not sure what it is- it’s either a cedar or an arborvitae). I noticed them flying back and forth and when I looked last week, there were 4 eggs. This week, two have hatched. I like to listen to the momma bird as she chirps and chatters. New baby birds are pretty ugly, but it will be interesting to see these little ones turn into beautiful red birds.

What a blessing to be a host to 4 more “signs” to guide someone else. This week has been busy with work, gardening and track meets. I started three different blog posts and never got around to publishing. Then these little ones started hatching. I took it as a sign that they wanted the attention and to be a vehicle to remind others to look. Look for the signs. When you start paying attention, you will see more than you realize. Every trip we go on, we find pennies or dimes (my grandparents and aunt) and even quarters (my mother-in-law wanted to be unique so we’d know it’s from her). A friend used to see eagles, which were a sign from her husband. She has passed on now too and her friends will see eagles and think of her. Some people find feathers or other animals. One friend gets skunks as a sign (I think I’d request a new one!!)

My point is, be aware. Be looking. What can it hurt? Noticing a sign can give hope, encouragement or help you remember someone you love. Maybe they remind us to slow down. To quote Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you pause to look for signs as we go into the weekend and the new moon. You are enough, and your loved ones and guides are here to cheer you on and help you realize it.

(Side note, our school mascot is also a Cardinal!)

They’re looking for you…

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That’s our son, Myles, on the 40 yard line waving to us in the stands. We had a home track meet last week, so we went to cheer them on. He ran the mile (his fastest time this season), and the 4×400 relay. We weren’t there for the whole meet, but we did get to see both of his events. Even though it was a home meet, the stands were not full. The parking lot was – there were ball games and soccer at the same time.

He spotted us in the stands and grinned or nodded. This time he saw me taking pics and gave a wave. He looks for us to be there. I’m not sure if he’d admit that he likes having us there or not, but we try to go to the events. Each time, he scans the stands to see if we are there. We sit through rain, wind, heat and cold… if he is running, we try to be there. We aren’t perfect parents. Nobody is. We try to show up because it’s important to him. He’s looking for us.

I saw a quote recently that said, “Your job won’t remember the nights you worked late, but your kids will.” I know sometimes it seems necessary to work late, and sometimes it is. Often times though, things could wait until tomorrow. If family is important to you, try your best to be there for them. They’re looking for you in the stands. They are also looking to us as examples. They look at how we spend our time. Do our priorities match with our allocation of time? Could we rearrange something to make it work?

Time slips through our fingers, and before we know it, there won’t be track meets to cheer at. We may not remember the score of an event or the time he ran a certain race, but we will remember being there. Hopefully he will too. My older sisters still remember my dad being at the track meet in a snowmobile suit (snow flurries!) I remember the hot cocoa. That was many years ago.

Go to the meet, the game, the match, the run, the concert, the performance, the musical, the play… all of the things. If you cannot go, let them know why and ask questions about it later. Kids don’t always want to let their parents know what’s important to them. They might not want to say the words, “I’m looking for you,” or “I’d like you to be there.” They may not even acknowledge your presence….but I’m willing to bet they smile a little when they see you (even if it’s just in their head).

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Don’t “mom guilt” yourself if you cannot be there – I just want you to be aware that they might be looking for you.

(Last choir concert was tonight, since he’s not in it next year and tomorrow is the last track meet of the year. I’ll be there!)

May’s basket is full…

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May is a full month! It was difficult to fit all of the things in the basket. These are just a few of the events and things for May. It will go by quickly. Nurse and teacher appreciation weeks hit home for me – I have several of both in my family. These people care for/about and nurture others. They are often taken for granted and tend to put others before themselves. Thank you, nurses and teachers!

May brings us the winding down of the school year, and graduation prep for some. For those moms/parents of graduates, I understand how quickly this month will go. I understand how much you want to soak up these “lasts” with your child. Hang in there. Everyone is looking forward to the nicer weather. We often forget that not everyone is looking forward to summer break. For some, this means food insecurity, lack of a loving/stable/safe home and a lot of uncertainty. I’m fortunate that my summers growing up were spent at the pool or working. I looked forward to the break.

I skipped writing last week due to some personal issues. Since May is also Mental Health month, I’ll share a little of what is going on. I wasn’t doing well last week. My son was struggling and I couldn’t do anything to help/fix it. My work status was in limbo and it was out of my control. I felt sad and frustrated and scared. I wasn’t ready to write about that. We tend to share the shiny /happy moments with others and this wasn’t either of those. This week, I realized that we need to share these “not so shiny” moments also. I’m not alone in my struggles. While I tend to minimize these things in my mind, I listened to a podcast where someone talked about trauma being trauma, regardless of the size of it. That really hit home for me. It’s really what sparked the name of my blog… I felt like my cancer wasn’t bad enough and I frequently felt not good enough. It’s not a competition and it shouldn’t be a comparison. It’s OK to not be OK and this last week, I really wasn’t.

May also has Mother’s Day. I vividly recall a pastor who gave a sermon about Mother’s Day not being a happy day for everyone. I couldn’t understand why when I was young. As I grew older, I realized not everyone has a great mom, not everyone has a mom who is still here, and not everyone who wants to be a mom is able to be. I spent several Mother’s Days in tears… wondering why it wasn’t working for me. Why wasn’t I a mom yet. Since then, I have two wonderful boys who are now young men. I’m grateful and thankful to be their mom. I really am #blessed. For this Mother’s Day, I’ll be missing my oldest son. My other son had me on his podcast, which was cool. It will be coming out soon under the “Be Unspecified” Podcast. One thing I forgot to mention in the interview is how proud I am of him. He has come so far in the last year and I know he will continue to do great things.

So whatever your May brings you, I hope you take some time to take a breath…a deep, cleansing breath. (Hopefully the pollen won’t make you sneeze!) Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You are enough, just as you are.

A different perspective…

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This photo is from a recent evening, right in my front yard. I heard there would be auroras visible, so we went outside. At first, it just seemed like lighter cloud streaks in the sky. Then I took my phone out to take a picture, and the magic dancing lights appeared. I’ve tried to take pictures of the moon before and those rarely turn out. For some reason, the northern lights like to have their picture taken. The greens and purples showed up on my phone just like I remembered them.

My husband and I started dating the summer after my freshman year in college. I was home for the summer near Fargo, ND and we started dating after a 4-H conference. When fall came, I went back to college in Grand Forks (80 miles north). I was a resident assistant my sophomore year. We continued dating, but that meant quite a few trips back and forth for both of us. Some of those trips back to Grand Forks were pretty late at night. It was common to see the auroras dancing across the sky as I drove back to my dorm. The greens and purples would ebb and flow like waves across the night sky. There was no city lights to get in the way.

The reason why the aurora looked brighter on my phone than in real life recently, is because the human eye cannot see faint colors at night. So last year, when my sister and I were driving all over trying to see them, we might have been able to if we took out our phones. It’s a different perspective. It got me thinking about how sometimes we need to change our perspective in our lives also. Taking a step back and looking at things through a different lens might reveal something beautiful.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May your “different perspective” bring you clarity and beauty.

Evening fears…

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“Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I awake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” This hung in my room when I was little. I said the prayer every night, but was always scared of dying in my sleep. It wasn’t until we had our first son that I learned of an alternate ending. Instead of dying, the stuffed bunny he got for a baby gift said, “The angels watch me through the night until I wake in morning light.” That sure was as a much better ending! This isn’t an isolated thing though. Several nursery rhymes and children’s stories are actually about death or something you probably wouldn’t want your baby or child to go through.

I tried to research why they are so dark, but couldn’t find one common answer. It ranged from “wanting to keep children compliant,” to “hidden meaning tied to historical events.” If fear was one of the reasons, they were successful, at least for me. I feel like fear is either a motivator or it’s something that causes you to grind to a halt. Kind of like cilantro or beets – one way or the other. (I’ve never met someone who kind of likes either of those things… either you like them, or you think cilantro tastes like soap and beets taste like dirt.)

It got me thinking about fear, and how many times I’ve been stuck in a loop. Usually, fear of failure is a recurring one for me. I’m not sure why. I’m sure a few therapy sessions might uncover that, but I know I’m not alone. Fear of failure has kept me from moving forward many times. I have pushed through fear and done things anyway, so you would think that would show me I can do hard things. I survived cancer (scary), I’ve moved my family to a new city & state (also scary), I’ve been published in a book… I’m sure there are more examples of things I’ve done that were wrapped in fear.

I’m not a medical professional or psychiatrist, so perhaps this is just a pep talk for myself as I embark on something scary. I graduate from my evening copywriting class next week. It’s a new skill in my toolbox, but it’s scary. As someone who is sensitive to rejection, there is an additional layer of fear associated with this new thing. “May your faith be bigger than your fear,” although I’m not sure I believe it’s a matter of size of faith that squashes fear. You’ve probably seen the motivational saying, “But what if you fly?” Instead of worrying about the fear of failure, I’m going to welcome in the paradise of possibility. Maybe I’ll move that unicorn over to joy.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I encourage you to listen to Francesca Battistelli’s song, “The Breakup Song.” She breaks up with fear. It’s a good one.

The City that Never Sleeps?

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NYC from Staten Island Ferry

I took last week off from writing since we were traveling. What started out as a request to go to Scranton, PA (due to The Office TV show) turned into a trip to NYC. I’m not sure the city never sleeps, but they are pretty quiet before 6am. We went to MSP early due to snow & ice storms. We got delayed due to weather going out there, but we made it. Luckily I didn’t have reservations for anything the day we arrived. We stayed at the Crowne Plaza hotel near Times Square (thanks to IHG points!) It was a great location & allowed us to walk to most of the things we wanted to see. Our two Broadway shows happened to be next to & across the street from the hotel.

I chronicled our trip on Facebook. I felt a little bad about posting so many pics, but I knew my family would want to see what we were up to. Turns out that a friend from NYC liked to see it from a tourist perspective. One friend liked to see what tips we had for their upcoming trip. And, some liked to see it since they hadn’t been there before. Of course there are always comments of, “You sure do take a lot of trips,” but I’ve learned to not let that bother me as much. Time with kids at home goes quickly and it’s something you don’t get back. The trip was relatively inexpensive and we packed a TON of stuff into the time we were there.

Highlight of the trip? It’s hard to narrow down. Being on the Today show plaza, seeing the Tonight Show and Late Night in person, spending an afternoon in Chinatown & Little Italy with friends, doing a day trip to see all of the places referenced in The Office, freezing on the top deck of the bus tour, Broadway shows, and of course the food… hard to pick a favorite. My most favorite of all was getting to spend the time together. We navigated subways, taxis, Times Square, the Ferry and more. We went to a lighthouse museum and got a (long) personal tour from the light house museum guy. We didn’t get mugged or see rats (ha ha). It was cooler temps than we had planned, but we made it work. My husband, who is not a fan of musicals, was a good sport when we ended up in the FRONT ROW of the Chicago musical. We did a lot of walking, but I’m so glad we didn’t rent a car (other than the day trip to PA). I would not have liked to drive in the city and parking is expensive and tight. Plus, 20k steps per day burns off NYC cheesecake!

Since our youngest son modeled his show partly after Jimmy Fallon, it was cool to get to see it in person. The tickets to the shows are free, but they don’t release them until the month before. It’s quite a process of waiting to find out if you got tickets, then waiting to get checked in & waiting in the Peacock lounge before the show. Of course there are no pictures allowed in the studios, but they were much smaller in person than they seem on TV.

SNL tickets are more difficult to get, so we didn’t see it this time.

We (Cam) found the bridge from the movie Elf where they have a snowball fight in Central Park.

We didn’t take a horse/carriage ride, see the FAO toy store, the Intrepid or Botanical Gardens, but we did get to a lot of things on our list. It had been over 30 years since I was in NYC, and this was the first time for my husband & son. I was a little reluctant to go back, but I’m so glad we did. My feet were sore but my heart was full.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Life is short, I took the trip & will continue to do so.