Tag: #faith

Use your voice…

On By journeyofenough2 Comments

We spend the first few years of life learning to talk. Our parents and family members are so excited when we learn new words. They clap and cheer and smile at us. Then we are toddlers and are told to be quiet. Maybe it’s the constant questions or the “Mom?! Mom?! Mom??” nonstop that wears us down.

I’m an introvert with a Mass Communications degree. I can talk in front of a large group of people, yet I’m not a fan of small talk. I was in speech and drama in high school, and even in college. I was never afraid to speak my mind. A bit too much at times, I guess. Somewhere along the way, I lost my voice. Maybe it’s the way people looked at me if I did stand up for myself or voice my opinion. Maybe it’s the training about what should or could be said and how to go about it. Maybe it’s the years of being told what I was saying out loud wasn’t right. If you hear something long enough, you begin to believe it.

“Your voice doesn’t matter….”

“Your thoughts are wrong….”

Whatever the narrative was, it started to shut me down. So much so, that it manifested as physical pain in my throat a few years ago. I went to the doctor several times, convinced that I had something wrong. I mean, suppressed emotions can’t become actual pain, right? Wrong. It can and does happen. Your throat chakra is a thing. It’s an energy point that can get stuck when you’re not using your voice. That’s what happened with me. Am I totally fine and speaking my voice again? Some days, but not always.

Fear gets in the way. Fear of rejection, fear of driving someone away, fear of offending, fear of being misunderstood. I have a ton of conversations in my head, but I don’t always speak them out loud. I assume people are mind readers and should just know what I’m thinking or what I’d like. It’s not fair that I get frustrated when I haven’t actually spoken the words. As an introvert, it’s common to clam up and just stuff all those words and feelings inside. “Why bother anyone?” This is NOT healthy thinking. The words need to be spoken. Once I can verbalize something, then we can have a true discussion. Otherwise it’s just words swirling around in my head with no place to go.

I’m not an expert. I’m not a therapist. I’m learning as I go. I’m learning that my voice has value. I’m learning that it’s ok to be heard. I’m learning that by speaking my words, I am validating my feelings. But man, that’s still scary at times. I wrote recently about being invisible, yet I never talked about it out loud. This kept me still invisible. I’m a work in progress, friends. We all are. Some days you might need to talk out loud to yourself. That’s totally ok. That’s a validation too.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. I also wish for you to find your voice. Go yell outside if you must. Speak to your pet or talk to the mirror. Call up a friend or speak to a counselor. We all want to feel heard, but in order to do that, we have to use our voice.

Labor of love…

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It’s almost here… June 20th is when the book comes out. I am the author for one of the chapters. I’d be lying if I said being a “published author” was a lifelong dream of mine. I actually hadn’t dreamed that BIG for my writing. Sure, there was a maybe or someday that danced through my head, but I honestly never thought I’d be good enough to be a published author. And then I had cancer and writing became a way for me to manage and share information. Every now and then, someone would throw a compliment my way. I’d dismiss it, because they were just being polite, right?

Then I went to a retreat and was opened up to a whole new realm I hadn’t experienced before. I met intuitive, magical and strong women. Women who lifted each other up and supported without judgement. People I wouldn’t have come in contact with during my regular life. Each retreat widened the circle…. several returned, new people came… our spiderweb of connectivity grew.

I can’t explain the feeling, other than to say I felt like my authentic self. I could share and listen and be lifted up. Intuition was celebrated and shared instead of hidden. I began to look at life differently. I still believe in God, but I’m also more connected to nature and aware of the signs from our loved ones and angels.

I’ve been pregnant and given birth twice. Because of infertility treatments, I knew I was pregnant when I was exactly 17 days along. 9 months of excitement and worry, puking and having swollen feet, insulin shots and bloodwork. Fifteen (first one) and seven (second) hours of labor. This book has been a much shorter version of a labor of love. I’ve felt like I was going to puke, I’ve worried and stressed, written and rewritten, and the day is almost here. My chapter is called “Journey to Joy” because there is a book in my heart already called Journey of Enough. I talk about two of the things that bring me joy and a little more about my back story. I have no idea how many copies I will sell, or how many the other authors will sell. I hope that collectively we will reach a bunch of readers. I’m excited to read the other chapters and to feel the book in my hands.

I’d love to sign a copy for you. $22 covers the book, tax and shipping. June 20th is our launch date (and right around graduation open house time so it will be a busy week.) My journey of enough has brought me to the journey to joy… and I can’t wait to share it with you! Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

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The Wild Woman’s Book of Shadows

Pre-order your author signed copy. Tax and shipping included. Books will ship after June 20th. Allow 1-2 weeks for delivery.

$22.00

Take me to the water…

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I don’t know much about astrological signs, but I am a Sagittarius, which I guess is a “fire” sign. Youngest son is a “water” sign, oldest son is “air” and my husband is an “earth” sign. My husband’s makes the most sense because he is very connected to the earth. He loves to garden, move dirt, work with compost, and trim trees. I love the water. I spent most days at the city pool when I was a kid. Growing up in the 70’s/80’s, we would ride our bikes to the pool and wait for it to open (as long as it was warm enough). We would swim until supper break & sometimes ride back again for evening swim. In high school, I got my lifeguard certificate and worked at the pool for a few summers.

I’m drawn to water. I love floating down the river or being on the lake. I could sit and listen to the waves lap against the shore all day. I love the sound of it flowing over the rocks at the dam. I like kayaking so I can glide across the water. There is a calm and sense of peacefulness that washes over me when I’m by the water. It’s hard to explain if it’s not something you connect with. It is where I will retire someday… in a cabin on a lake. I will wake up and have my coffee while watching the sunrise and listening to the loons.

“Take me to the River” is the song that the “Billy Bass” sings. If you’re not familiar with it, Google it. For several years, that’s how my husband woke up our oldest son. A song from a plaque with a singing bass fish was just annoying enough to get him out of bed. I could always hear it upstairs, even though his room is in the basement. It made me chuckle. I wonder what will happen to Billy when he goes off to college?

I know my son will learn to fly fish in Bozeman. He will seek out the pond of ducks and sit to listen to their calls. Are there lakes by Bozeman? If there is, he will find them. Ironically, the kid sinks like a stone… he is not a strong swimmer. His lifeguard mom failed at getting him comfortable IN the water. He will be on or beside it, but he doesn’t love to swim. He may not have Billy Bass with him, but I’m sure there will be a few tackle boxes and rods packed into his car in the fall.

There are many things I admire about my son. He can talk to anyone, I love his smile and he has a desire to learn new things (especially if they are in the realm of fishing, hunting or welding). He may look more like his dad, but we will always share the connection to the water. I’m thankful this summer will be busy compared to last summer. There will still be time for fishing or boating or river floating. Next year will be completely different.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Take me to the water, are memories to be made.

I see you…

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This picture of an “invisible woman” really caught my attention. I first time I saw it was in a writing group. They asked us to write a short paragraph about how this made us feel. Tears rolled down my cheek as I typed my paragraph. It made me sad because I often feel invisible.

Sometimes we yearn to be seen and heard. It’s a validation that we are enough.

Have you ever felt invisible? I admit that invisible is my preference at a party or in a crowd. I hide behind being busy. My labels make me invisible and I lose myself. I’m not Mavis, I’m Dallas’ mom or Myles’ mom. I’m not Mavis, I’m Cameron’s wife. I lose myself to be what others want me to be, what they expect me to be. I lose myself to make sure I stay “small.” I set my own wants aside to make sure everyone else is taken care of. Self care seems selfish for me, even though I know how important it is & I encourage it for other people.

I will be the invisible helper in the kitchen. I will be the invisible chef, invisible crafter, invisible planner, invisible laundry folder, the invisible accountant. I keep a mental checklist of all of the appointments & medication refills, of every item in the house, each upcoming activity, birthday, bills to pay, who needs new socks or pants to be spotted, what homework is coming due, what trips we have coming up…. oh and then there is the list for work related stuff too. No wonder I have vertigo with all of these things spinning in my head. Don’t get me wrong, my family is great, and I know they love me. The only females around me are 6 hens, and they aren’t much help (other than the eggs).

Mother’s Day is just around the corner, and to the other moms who feel invisible, I want you to know… I see you.

  • To the hopeful mom, praying for a positive pregnancy test… I see you.
  • To the new mom worried about doing “the right stuff”… I see you.
  • To the toddler mom who thinks these days will never end… I see you.
  • To the mom in the store with a kid in full tantrum mode… I see you.
  • To the mom of the 4th grader longing to fit in… I see you.
  • To the mom of tweens who wonder what happened to their kid… I see you.
  • To the mom of junior high awkwardness… I see you.
  • To the mom of a senior, taking a deep breath as their child prepares to leave the nest… I see you.
  • To the mom of a graduate, wishing for another weekend together… I see you.
  • To the mom who became a grandma, beaming with pride… I see you.
  • To the mom who became a great grandma, yearning for a more active body to keep up with those sweet babies… I see you.

I see you. I have been you or likely will become you… invisible and just wanting to feel enough in the ebbs and flows of motherhood. I have gotten used to skipping self care. It’s not something I’m proud of. I’m aware of it… it became apparent when I had cancer. I was forced to take care of myself. I was forced to say no so I could conserve my energy. But time marches on, and I became invisible again. I did “all the things” because it is easier to, right? Who am I if I’m not busy or stressed? Sometimes I feel like I’m not worthy of taking time for myself. It makes me feel guilty for taking time away from my family, partly because I know time is limited.

I’ve attended a few retreats and towards the end, we sit in a circle with one person standing in the center. We go around the room and say positive & uplifting things about the person in the center. They can only say “thank you”… they cannot dismiss the compliment, they just take it in. We fill up their bucket. We see them. I do not volunteer to go first, but I do admit that it feels good to be seen.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you truly see others and allow yourself a o be seen. I will be working on this too!

Zip lines & spider webs…

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2 years ago, I was zip lining in the mountains of CA for a cancer survivor retreat. I like to remember that trip. For me, it reminds me of what is possible. It reminds me I can fly to CA, drive up a mountain by myself (without getting lost), and stay with strangers who would become friends. I can do a ropes course, zip line and do yoga on the mountainside. I can share my story, and listen to someone else’s story without fear or judgement. I grew a lot that weekend. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I think it was a turning point for me. I can do the tough things and still be vulnerable.

It’s bittersweet because we’ve lost some of the ladies from the retreat. My heart aches for their loved ones who have a void that won’t be filled. The kids who miss their mom, the spouses, friends and parents who reach for the phone and realize they can’t call to say hi. They enriched the lives of those they touched, but it still doesn’t make sense why they had to pass. Some things just don’t have easy answers.

The loss reminds me to appreciate my health, to cherish my friendships and to find JOY. It reminds me to fill my circle with people who cheer me on, even if I don’t make it across the ropes. We all have an invisible connection. When I picture it, I see a spider web. It slowly spins as we tell our stories and gain a connection. By the end of the weekend, the web was strong. Roommates, similar diagnosis, similar struggle, similar victories, similar likes and dislikes, with a common respect and a lasting connection.

A zip line in the mountains was where I found my courage. A zip line in the mountains was where I laughed and screamed and almost puked. A zip line in the mountains will hold a special place in my heart. And every year when this memory pops up, I will think of this web of connection woven between women who started with one common thread (cancer), and ended up with so many more. Your tragedy doesn’t have to define you, but it sure shapes you in a different way.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find your own “zip line in the mountains” and don’t forget to keep your eyes open. The view is breathtaking!

Are you willing to stick your tongue out?

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This is one of the many bird feeders in our back yard. It is empty. Although we’ve had some snow lately, it has melted and hopefully it will feel like spring soon. The bird feeder isn’t empty due to a bunch of migrating birds returning from their winter vacation. It’s not empty because of a wind storm or squirrels. Nope, it is empty due to the deer wandering through the yard. While this feeder closes if a squirrel gets on it, it does not close if a deer sticks its tongue through the hole to lick out the bird seed.

Pretty creative, right? The deer walking from the state park through our yard like to stop for a snack, I guess. We have 3 “winter feeders” we keep full all year. These 3 deer were having some breakfast when we looked out the patio. (Our snow is gone finally- this was a little while ago)

How often does our life not go quite like we planned it? How often are we forced to adapt? Sometimes we have to be creative, be like the deer and stick our tongue out. It might be something small like a road detour causing us to reroute. It might be a larger event – job change, a sickness, a marriage, divorce, baby or graduation causing us to adjust to our new circumstances. Will you keep walking past the feeder, not even realizing that it’s a solution? Will you pay attention to the person showing you the way? Will you take the path not yet traveled? Sometimes the detour is wonderful and exciting, yet other times it feels scary. There isn’t one right answer, you just have to be open to new ways to seek help or find solutions.

I was happy that there were deer in the back yard. If it was a bear in the bird feeder, that might have been a different story. My chickens are pretty safe with the deer. Deer are often a symbol of peace and serenity. I figured they had some kind of lesson or wisdom to share. I think the wisdom is ‘to find peace amidst the change.’ Often times, the part of change that feels scary is the lack of control… the fear of the unknown. Maybe if we are willing to stick out tongues out, we might find what we are looking for.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find some answers you’ve been searching for, and maybe a full bird feeder or two.

Hang on!

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Roller coasters. I feel like you either love them or avoid them at all costs. I’ve been on more actual roller coasters in the last 6 years than my previous 41 years combined. I’ve had my share of emotional and life related roller coasters also.

Last week marked 6 years since I rang the bell at the cancer center, signaling the end of active treatment. The 5 months from diagnosis to bell ringing was a fast roller coaster. It had lots of twists and turns. It made me sick to my stomach at times, elated, feeling like I was just dropped 7 stories, smiling, upside down, laughing and wanting to scream. It felt like the slow “click-click-click” as you inch towards the top peak, and the racing/rattling of the downward descent. You feel relief when the ride stops, but then you realize that wasn’t the end. There is another section. It might be the lazy river but it might be the corkscrew or a 100 year old wooden roller coaster. You might even get stuck at the upward ascent (this actually happened to us – someone had their phone out and was going to take pictures, which is against their rules).

The last 6 years have had plenty of roller coaster moments, but none as quick as those 5 months. I could almost break the last 6 years up into separate “rides.” …Cancer treatment…recovery…selling a house…moving…having teenagers…starting a new job…loss of friends…loved ones with cancer…pandemic…distance learning…starting a farm & business…writing for a compilation book. Each different in their own way, but not without their twists and turns. The roller coaster in the photo happens to be one in the shape of a cancer ribbon. I thought it was fitting for me. Your roller coaster will look completely different. Yours may be full of people or just have a few. You might be laughing the whole time or scared to death. You may feel like you are completely in the dark or basking in a bright sunny day. None of it is wrong, it’s just part of life.

There are some upcoming roller coaster rides that I’m aware of – graduation, moving the oldest son from MN to MT, having a chapter published in an actual book, adjusting to one son at home, driver’s ed… but there are so many that aren’t planned also. There will be times we want to close our eyes and hope it will end and other times when we want to enjoy the view. I’m thankful to have you on my roller coaster ride. Wait, do rides make you sick? I’ll sit in front.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May your roller coaster ride have some great times, with you in the front row. Throw your hands in the air, take some Dramamine and don’t forget to take the change out of your pocket. Hang on!

For the birds….

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I was recently looking for an upgrade in eyeglasses. Normally, I’d have one of the guys come with me to help narrow it down. I mean, they look at me way more than I look at myself. But, due to COVID19, I had to go alone. I couldn’t try on 50 pairs either. I normally have a difficult time deciding. I had to leave it all in the hands of the eyeglass expert.

If you’re new here, letting go of control is not easy for me. To just sit there while she chose the glasses FOR me was a big test of strength. She came back with 5 pairs. Wait, where are the other 45? How will I pick from 5? The first one was cute, second one was too small, 3rd one was cute, 4th was too tight and the 5th one was funky. I narrowed down to 3, took pictures and send to my husband. While I was talking to him to see his opinion, she told me the funky one has actual feathers on the side. What?! Ok, never mind, that makes the decision so much easier! So my new glasses will be “from the birds” instead of “for the birds.”

It’s so easy to stay in the middle. To stay safe and comfortable and not make changes. Sometimes it’s fun to go a little outside the lines. I used to be more fun. I used to not follow the rules or worry as much about what people thought. I’m trying to get a little bit of that back… perhaps a new “middle ground” that has a little more harmony. Aside from new glasses, I have a few other things up my sleeve. You’ll have to wait for them to unfold. One of the big ones is becoming a published author in June. I’ve submitted my 2,000 word chapter for a compilation book. “Why do you want to be a published author?” Because it will feel like a validation for me, it will be outside of the middle ground and it will make me feel a little more enough.

What kind of shift can you make? What will stretch you outside of your middle ground? Maybe it will be for the birds and maybe it will be from the birds. Whatever it is, it will be enough. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Out of the spotlight…

On By journeyofenough4 Comments

My mom recently turned 80. She has never liked the spotlight. She probably won’t like the attention, but she deserves to be celebrated. We couldn’t go see her on her birthday because our son was exposed to Covid and had to quarantine. It broke his heart and mine too. We want her to know how special she is and how much we love her.

Where to start? My mom is the oldest of 10 kids. I remember stories about the one room schoolhouse and the farm they grew up on. I remember big Christmas get togethers and family reunions filled with laughter and food. But it’s the small things too that make her special. My oldest son says she makes the best toast. My youngest son says she makes the best mac and cheese. Everyone is convinced her scalloped potatoes and ham have some secret ingredient because we can’t quite replicate it. Not only the food she makes, but her smile, her warm laugh, her hugs and the way she loves her family makes her one of a kind.

She has always been an example of giving. As a church secretary for many years, she was often a listening ear to whoever was waiting for the pastor or happened to stop by. She would write notes to people in need of a smile. She listened to many hours worth of teen heartbreak and drama (and I understand now how difficult that must have been.) She went to my band/choir concerts, 4-h events, track meets, plays, basketball and wrestling to watch me cheer. She’d make pizzas and malts for me and my friends before a game. Many slumber parties and sleep overs were held on that orange shag carpet and my friends always knew there would be treats.

She taught me to sew, how to bake, how to do laundry and how to write thank you notes. She showed me the importance of faith and giving. She used to have “Hobby Club” and “Homemakers” and Bible study meetings. Aside from her weekly hair appointment, those were the few “self care” things she did. She is an example of how to show up for those you love. It’s one of the reasons I was sad that I couldn’t show up for her. It was beyond my control, but sometimes lack of control is hard to accept.

80 years is a big deal. I’m sad to have missed most of the last year with mom, but know it was important to keep them safe & healthy. Too often we wait to tell those we love what an impact they have on our lives. So, to anyone reading, I hope you tell someone today what they mean to you. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. If your loved one has passed, sit quietly and talk to them as if they are still here. Their spirit is with you.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Mom, you’ve always been more than enough and I’m forever grateful God chose you to be my mom. It was worth the wait!

Before selfies…

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This week marked 26 yrs since my husband proposed. This photo wasn’t taken at the proposal. It wasn’t common to have people photograph or document it. Heck, we still had regular film cameras where you had to take your film in to be developed (& hope for some good ones). Selfies weren’t a thing yet. We took this picture at the International Peace Gardens in 1997. We went after Labor Day and there were very few people, so we took the phot ourselves. Odds are, there are 10 others that have part of our heads or just the sky in them, but this one was good. We camped in a tent there, saw porcupines, deer, tons of beautiful flowers and we did lots of biking.

It got me thinking… what would I say to my “26 years ago self?” My experiences brought me to where I am today, but that young 21 year old had no idea what was in store. What would I say to that young lady?

  • Your wedding day will be the fastest day of your life. Enjoy it.
  • Sometimes it takes a while to have a family. Hold on, it’s worth the wait.
  • Hold those babies more! Let them sit on your lap longer, rock them and give them even more kisses than you already did.
  • Lighten up. 21 yr old me went from wild to serious and stayed there too long.
  • Don’t lose yourself. It’s ok to have dreams and goals of your own. Don’t get too lost in everything else that you forget to take care of yourself.
  • You cannot pour from an empty cup.
  • One day you will look back at the “Rice a Roni years” and realize you can get by with less.
  • Jalapeño peppers will burn your hands.
  • You will meet some magical ladies. Listen and learn. They help you discover part of yourself that is also magical.
  • Date night. Seriously. Get a sitter and go out more.
  • Love your body in all it’s phases. One day you’ll wish you were the size you are now. Love yourself through all of it.
  • 529 plan. Look into it. College is no longer $12k for 4 years!
  • Slow down. Life goes by fast enough.
  • S’mores for breakfast & pancakes in letter shapes are totally ok when camping. Your kids will remember it.
  • Before you know it, you’ll be knocking on the door of 50. Enjoy the journey.
  • Have more massages, take more walks, spend more time by the water.
  • You will complete half marathons and then forget you’re capable of it. Don’t forget.
  • You’ll experience the power of prayer and feel people praying for you.
  • Keep sharing. Keep sending notes and baking treats for people and sending care packages.
  • Be in the pictures. The number on your jeans doesn’t matter. Your family loves you at all sizes.
  • 26 years later, you’d still say “yes” again.

I’m sure there is more. But, like I said, all of those experiences, victories and mistakes got me to where I am today… so maybe I wouldn’t change much. I bet she wouldn’t listen anyway. She was pretty stubborn. I would tell her to make more photo books because her iPhone will run out of space. (Then she’d wonder what I was talking about!)

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Have some grace with your younger self. She/he did the best they could, and brought you to where you are.